September 28th,
It's 4 o'clock in the morning, and I am sitting here in bed completely exhausted but unable to sleep.
I get like this sometimes, so wired from the events of the day that I can't seem to switch off. It didn't help that my meeting with Hawk and Duke ended up running well into the wee hours of the morning.
Hawk looked more ragged than usual. There is a lot of pressure mounting from the Pentagon and the White House to cut our spending, and there are even those who would love to see us shut down once and for all regardless of the fact that COBRA remains a very real threat to our freedom and well being.
Unfortunately, the politicians and bureaucrats who hold the reins of power in this nation prefer to turn a blind eye. If they have nothing tangible to gain from our continued existence, and when I say tangible I mean either votes or campaign money, then why make the effort? It doesn't matter that we bust our balls and risk our lives every day to make sure that these idiots can continue to lead the lives that they do...attending White House functions and playing at that age old pastime...politics.
You can probably tell from my tone that I hold the above-mentioned types in contempt. I have not patience for their little games, their hunger for power and money, and their complete detachment from reality.
Sometimes I wish I could shove a rifle in their hands and lead them into battle. Show them what we face everyday...show them what lies in wait should they become too complacent. Let them stare down the Dreadnoks, let them face Destro one on one, let them go head to head with Cobra Commander and see if they survive his bite.
Knowing the type of people of which I speak, they would more than likely cut a deal to which both parties would benefit.
I love my country, I serve my president...but I tell you this as one who has seen the dark underbelly of the beast...Washington DC is far removed from the image of the proud and honorable Red White and Blue we learned about in school.
Duke says that I am jaded, judging the whole government based on the actions of a few bad apples. What does he expect? He has seen what I have seen...he has been given the same orders...he knows what these men are capable of!
Much of what we did was in the interest of national security, but I can't help but wonder sometimes if the situations we were called in to deal with...the people we were ordered to 'erase'...were not in some way created by the very same men who now sought us out to clean up their mess.
"Stop moralizing, Faireborn. We have our orders...just do it."
Conrad said that to me on our first mission together. I had just been recruited into 'The Black' and was completely unprepared for the hard reality of the job I was so anxious to do. My prior training that stressed following orders without question battled against my conscience.
In some cases against my very humanity...
I needn't tell you which side won out. There was a reason I was called out so many times. There was a reason they thought of me as one of the best.
Duke, who had already been through quite a few of these forays and for all intents and purposes was an 'old hand', became my mentor. He pushed and prodded until he made me realize whatever potential he saw in me when we first met at Fort Bragg so many years ago.
I wonder sometimes what it was that prompted him to take me under his wing. I would like to believe that it was my abilities as a warrior that caught his eye, and I am certain that initially it was just that. However, given the nature of our work, I have a feeling he saw something hidden deep inside me that he could use to his advantage.
The only word I can think of to describe it is as 'a darkness'. Conrad drew it out of me then channeled it, tamed it...used it when the situation merited it.
Do I resent him for it?
There are some days where I do, but for the most part no.
He did what he had to do, what any good leader would do...use what he has at his disposal to ensure the successful completion of the mission. He also knew how to draw out whatever it takes for his men to stay alive, to make it home safely. It is what makes him the well respected, much sought after field commander that he is.
I nearly didn't make it back that first time out...I hesitated at a crucial moment and it damn near cost me my life. Had Duke not been there I would be resting six feet under at Arlington right now.
Duke did what he did so that I would survive...both physically and mentally.
I became hard, cold, calculating. My temper...my anger was channeled expertly as I learned to turn off my conscience and do what needed to be done.
The problem, however, was that the 'darkness' cannot be tamed. Duke had successfully brought it closer to the surface, but once there it took everything in me to keep it under control. It takes EVERYTHING in me to quash my memories and rein in the side of my nature that allowed me to do what I did.
No one knows how hard I fight to remain in control. I can't afford to slip...I have already done so once during my stint with the Joes and I will regret that day for the rest of my life I am sure. Louisa May Alcott once wrote that it took two 'flints' to make a fire. In my case...it takes only one.
I can't believe how lucky I am that I didn't loss everything that day in Sierra Gordo.
It scares me sometimes...the thought of letting go of my emotions. Not just anger...but hurt, sadness, fear...anything that might trigger the release of the demons that haunt my being, the darkness that I fight every day to contain.
'How sublime a thing is to suffer and be strong'. I can only guess that Henry Longfellow was on the outside looking in when he wrote these words, for if he was the one who was doing the suffering I doubt he would find anything inspirational about it.
Roadblock and Duke don't seem to be as affected by our common history as I, but then again I came into it with my own personal baggage. Duke just cultivated the seed that had been sown long ago.
Moreover, who knows what personal demons the two of them battle. Roadblock seems so at peace with himself that it is hard to believe that he might be caught up in some inner struggle, while the face that Duke show the world is that of the composed, consummate professional.
What secret have they found to hold back the pain, the memories?
And yet appearances can be deceiving. Just look at the man that I present to those that I work with...to my friends and colleagues. Can they even guess what lies beneath? And what of the other Joes? It isn't like our job is easy. Soldiers who have seen combat all carry scars...and not necessarily physical ones. We all deal with it in our own way...some better than others.
Even Snake Eyes, who carries more pain and hurt than all of us put together, manages to live his life, although I can see the shadows in his eyes when we sit together. I know them well, as I am sure he can see the same thing reflected in mine. Maybe that is why we hit it off so well from the beginning, kindred spirits in our silent misery.
Joseph Conrad once wrote of a heart of impenetrable darkness, the savage that lies hidden beneath all of us...the animal that is just barely contained within our cloak of civilized humanity.
It takes something primitive, something hard and disturbing deep inside to be able to kill a man...even in the heat of battle. Not all soldiers have it, and among those who do, the ability to control it is rarer still.
Even so...the pressure of keeping the darkness in check is enough to drive a man to the bottle. Just look at the vets who returned from Vietnam...look at my father, who after all these years still fights a constant battle in his mind with his experiences during World War II.
That is where someone like Psyche Out comes in. There is a reason we are all forced to see him regularly, whether we like it or not. Not only is he there to help and listen, but to assess our psychological and emotional ability to continue to do the job for which we were recruited. I needn't tell you that there are many Joes who did not make it through their first year on the team precisely because Psych did not deem them able to handle the stress.
I myself don't talk to him much. I reveal nothing to him other than mere frivolities and he knows it. As I have mentioned at the beginning of this Journal, it drives him around the bend.
My pride keeps me from showing him or anyone any hint weakness, but I also fear that if I begin to talk of what I have seen, what I have done, how I feel...the trickle will turn into a flood and I will speak of things that should remain unsaid.
No. I cannot risk it. Especially given the sensitive nature of what my memories contain.
I wonder what he would think of me if he knew the things I have done.
I wonder what Alison would think of me.
In any case, back to the present. The meeting. Duke and I are on speaking terms again...barely. He knows how I feel about his plans for Lady Jaye...he knows that he is going to have a fight on his hands if he ever tries to draw her in to that game he plays so well.
For my part, I know that he will not back off if he feels she is needed to complete a mission, if her involvement would ensure it's success. Duke is a master of keeping his personal feelings out of his work. He has to...both as Field Commander of the Joe team and as a "former" (I say this tongue in cheek) Black Ops agent.
I, on the other hand, let things get personal.
We have a strange relationship, he and I. We are opposites in almost every way, but we stick together like glue. We compete ruthlessly, yet we seem to thrive on the rivalry.
Two sides of the same coin.
'Light' and 'Dark'.
You would think I would dislike him...avoid him...given my wary attitude towards friendship. You would think he is precisely the kind of person from whom I would distance myself, that he was using me, that he would betray me.
He wouldn't though...at least not deliberately. He looks out for his men...he looks out for his friends. Ask anyone who has serve under him and they would tell you they would give their life for him. He would give his life for them as well.
How many times has he gone to bat for me? How many times has he covered my ass when my big mouth got me into hot water? How many times has he reined me in when I lost control of my temper?
And isn't it because of him that Allie and I are still together?
How ironic, then, that she should be the one to finally come between us.
When Duke asked me if after all we have been through if I was going to allow choose a woman over my friendship with him, I couldn't help but ask if he was going to choose a job over his friendship with me.
Both of us left the question unanswered.
Maybe I expect too much of him. Maybe I ask too much of him...there is a fine line between friendship and leadership. I would never expect Hawk to hold Lady Jaye back if I told him I felt an order was too dangerous for her. He would probably have me up on charges faster than you can spell 'fraternization'.
Yet this rationale doesn't stop me from expecting precisely this kind of loyalty from him, and I know in my soul that if it comes down to it I will do what I have to do to protect Alison...even if it means destroying any last thread of amity between us.
What a hypocrite I am!
I can feel my anger building even now just thinking about this whole damn mess. I can feel it seething inside me, teasing me, memories creeping about the edge of my mind...causing me to remember that I had been faced with a similar choice once before, and not for the first time do I find myself asking whether or not I made the right decision.
Did that choice lead directly to that fateful night so many years ago where my heart was ripped out and my soul scared forever? Or did that choice reflect what my head knew all along even though my heart refused to see it...that the tide had turned long before I myself came to the crossroads.
The dull pain that these particular memories trigger is pounding deep in my gut. It is less powerful than it used to be, but it is still present...and every so often it breaks the barrier that I have built to hold it in.
Damn it!!! Will I ever find peace!
"Not until you let go, Dash..." Karen once told me so many years ago, "You need to let go. If you keep it all inside it will end up growing like a cancer. What the hell are you afraid of?"
You don't want to know...
It's 4 o'clock in the morning, and I am sitting here in bed completely exhausted but unable to sleep.
I get like this sometimes, so wired from the events of the day that I can't seem to switch off. It didn't help that my meeting with Hawk and Duke ended up running well into the wee hours of the morning.
Hawk looked more ragged than usual. There is a lot of pressure mounting from the Pentagon and the White House to cut our spending, and there are even those who would love to see us shut down once and for all regardless of the fact that COBRA remains a very real threat to our freedom and well being.
Unfortunately, the politicians and bureaucrats who hold the reins of power in this nation prefer to turn a blind eye. If they have nothing tangible to gain from our continued existence, and when I say tangible I mean either votes or campaign money, then why make the effort? It doesn't matter that we bust our balls and risk our lives every day to make sure that these idiots can continue to lead the lives that they do...attending White House functions and playing at that age old pastime...politics.
You can probably tell from my tone that I hold the above-mentioned types in contempt. I have not patience for their little games, their hunger for power and money, and their complete detachment from reality.
Sometimes I wish I could shove a rifle in their hands and lead them into battle. Show them what we face everyday...show them what lies in wait should they become too complacent. Let them stare down the Dreadnoks, let them face Destro one on one, let them go head to head with Cobra Commander and see if they survive his bite.
Knowing the type of people of which I speak, they would more than likely cut a deal to which both parties would benefit.
I love my country, I serve my president...but I tell you this as one who has seen the dark underbelly of the beast...Washington DC is far removed from the image of the proud and honorable Red White and Blue we learned about in school.
Duke says that I am jaded, judging the whole government based on the actions of a few bad apples. What does he expect? He has seen what I have seen...he has been given the same orders...he knows what these men are capable of!
Much of what we did was in the interest of national security, but I can't help but wonder sometimes if the situations we were called in to deal with...the people we were ordered to 'erase'...were not in some way created by the very same men who now sought us out to clean up their mess.
"Stop moralizing, Faireborn. We have our orders...just do it."
Conrad said that to me on our first mission together. I had just been recruited into 'The Black' and was completely unprepared for the hard reality of the job I was so anxious to do. My prior training that stressed following orders without question battled against my conscience.
In some cases against my very humanity...
I needn't tell you which side won out. There was a reason I was called out so many times. There was a reason they thought of me as one of the best.
Duke, who had already been through quite a few of these forays and for all intents and purposes was an 'old hand', became my mentor. He pushed and prodded until he made me realize whatever potential he saw in me when we first met at Fort Bragg so many years ago.
I wonder sometimes what it was that prompted him to take me under his wing. I would like to believe that it was my abilities as a warrior that caught his eye, and I am certain that initially it was just that. However, given the nature of our work, I have a feeling he saw something hidden deep inside me that he could use to his advantage.
The only word I can think of to describe it is as 'a darkness'. Conrad drew it out of me then channeled it, tamed it...used it when the situation merited it.
Do I resent him for it?
There are some days where I do, but for the most part no.
He did what he had to do, what any good leader would do...use what he has at his disposal to ensure the successful completion of the mission. He also knew how to draw out whatever it takes for his men to stay alive, to make it home safely. It is what makes him the well respected, much sought after field commander that he is.
I nearly didn't make it back that first time out...I hesitated at a crucial moment and it damn near cost me my life. Had Duke not been there I would be resting six feet under at Arlington right now.
Duke did what he did so that I would survive...both physically and mentally.
I became hard, cold, calculating. My temper...my anger was channeled expertly as I learned to turn off my conscience and do what needed to be done.
The problem, however, was that the 'darkness' cannot be tamed. Duke had successfully brought it closer to the surface, but once there it took everything in me to keep it under control. It takes EVERYTHING in me to quash my memories and rein in the side of my nature that allowed me to do what I did.
No one knows how hard I fight to remain in control. I can't afford to slip...I have already done so once during my stint with the Joes and I will regret that day for the rest of my life I am sure. Louisa May Alcott once wrote that it took two 'flints' to make a fire. In my case...it takes only one.
I can't believe how lucky I am that I didn't loss everything that day in Sierra Gordo.
It scares me sometimes...the thought of letting go of my emotions. Not just anger...but hurt, sadness, fear...anything that might trigger the release of the demons that haunt my being, the darkness that I fight every day to contain.
'How sublime a thing is to suffer and be strong'. I can only guess that Henry Longfellow was on the outside looking in when he wrote these words, for if he was the one who was doing the suffering I doubt he would find anything inspirational about it.
Roadblock and Duke don't seem to be as affected by our common history as I, but then again I came into it with my own personal baggage. Duke just cultivated the seed that had been sown long ago.
Moreover, who knows what personal demons the two of them battle. Roadblock seems so at peace with himself that it is hard to believe that he might be caught up in some inner struggle, while the face that Duke show the world is that of the composed, consummate professional.
What secret have they found to hold back the pain, the memories?
And yet appearances can be deceiving. Just look at the man that I present to those that I work with...to my friends and colleagues. Can they even guess what lies beneath? And what of the other Joes? It isn't like our job is easy. Soldiers who have seen combat all carry scars...and not necessarily physical ones. We all deal with it in our own way...some better than others.
Even Snake Eyes, who carries more pain and hurt than all of us put together, manages to live his life, although I can see the shadows in his eyes when we sit together. I know them well, as I am sure he can see the same thing reflected in mine. Maybe that is why we hit it off so well from the beginning, kindred spirits in our silent misery.
Joseph Conrad once wrote of a heart of impenetrable darkness, the savage that lies hidden beneath all of us...the animal that is just barely contained within our cloak of civilized humanity.
It takes something primitive, something hard and disturbing deep inside to be able to kill a man...even in the heat of battle. Not all soldiers have it, and among those who do, the ability to control it is rarer still.
Even so...the pressure of keeping the darkness in check is enough to drive a man to the bottle. Just look at the vets who returned from Vietnam...look at my father, who after all these years still fights a constant battle in his mind with his experiences during World War II.
That is where someone like Psyche Out comes in. There is a reason we are all forced to see him regularly, whether we like it or not. Not only is he there to help and listen, but to assess our psychological and emotional ability to continue to do the job for which we were recruited. I needn't tell you that there are many Joes who did not make it through their first year on the team precisely because Psych did not deem them able to handle the stress.
I myself don't talk to him much. I reveal nothing to him other than mere frivolities and he knows it. As I have mentioned at the beginning of this Journal, it drives him around the bend.
My pride keeps me from showing him or anyone any hint weakness, but I also fear that if I begin to talk of what I have seen, what I have done, how I feel...the trickle will turn into a flood and I will speak of things that should remain unsaid.
No. I cannot risk it. Especially given the sensitive nature of what my memories contain.
I wonder what he would think of me if he knew the things I have done.
I wonder what Alison would think of me.
In any case, back to the present. The meeting. Duke and I are on speaking terms again...barely. He knows how I feel about his plans for Lady Jaye...he knows that he is going to have a fight on his hands if he ever tries to draw her in to that game he plays so well.
For my part, I know that he will not back off if he feels she is needed to complete a mission, if her involvement would ensure it's success. Duke is a master of keeping his personal feelings out of his work. He has to...both as Field Commander of the Joe team and as a "former" (I say this tongue in cheek) Black Ops agent.
I, on the other hand, let things get personal.
We have a strange relationship, he and I. We are opposites in almost every way, but we stick together like glue. We compete ruthlessly, yet we seem to thrive on the rivalry.
Two sides of the same coin.
'Light' and 'Dark'.
You would think I would dislike him...avoid him...given my wary attitude towards friendship. You would think he is precisely the kind of person from whom I would distance myself, that he was using me, that he would betray me.
He wouldn't though...at least not deliberately. He looks out for his men...he looks out for his friends. Ask anyone who has serve under him and they would tell you they would give their life for him. He would give his life for them as well.
How many times has he gone to bat for me? How many times has he covered my ass when my big mouth got me into hot water? How many times has he reined me in when I lost control of my temper?
And isn't it because of him that Allie and I are still together?
How ironic, then, that she should be the one to finally come between us.
When Duke asked me if after all we have been through if I was going to allow choose a woman over my friendship with him, I couldn't help but ask if he was going to choose a job over his friendship with me.
Both of us left the question unanswered.
Maybe I expect too much of him. Maybe I ask too much of him...there is a fine line between friendship and leadership. I would never expect Hawk to hold Lady Jaye back if I told him I felt an order was too dangerous for her. He would probably have me up on charges faster than you can spell 'fraternization'.
Yet this rationale doesn't stop me from expecting precisely this kind of loyalty from him, and I know in my soul that if it comes down to it I will do what I have to do to protect Alison...even if it means destroying any last thread of amity between us.
What a hypocrite I am!
I can feel my anger building even now just thinking about this whole damn mess. I can feel it seething inside me, teasing me, memories creeping about the edge of my mind...causing me to remember that I had been faced with a similar choice once before, and not for the first time do I find myself asking whether or not I made the right decision.
Did that choice lead directly to that fateful night so many years ago where my heart was ripped out and my soul scared forever? Or did that choice reflect what my head knew all along even though my heart refused to see it...that the tide had turned long before I myself came to the crossroads.
The dull pain that these particular memories trigger is pounding deep in my gut. It is less powerful than it used to be, but it is still present...and every so often it breaks the barrier that I have built to hold it in.
Damn it!!! Will I ever find peace!
"Not until you let go, Dash..." Karen once told me so many years ago, "You need to let go. If you keep it all inside it will end up growing like a cancer. What the hell are you afraid of?"
You don't want to know...