October 4th,
You would laugh if you saw me now...a laugh of incredulity and amusement.
For here I sit, armed to the teeth on a transport plane bound for some war torn area of Asia, on a mission so secret that the orders are still sealed in an envelope in my front pocket, only to be opened when we reach enemy airspace. Around me the others, hand picked for this mission, rest as they prepare themselves for the inevitable confrontation...waiting on me to lead them.
And yet, behind my badass glare, my mind is lost contemplating neither tactics nor strategy, nor am I wondering who it is that is sitting quietly across from me clad in a dark suit and tie...although I have some idea and am not at all happy about it.
No.
I am reflecting on the ever changing, fleeting world of 'love'.
I can just see your wide-eyed disbelief as you read that last word. Odd, isn't it? In truth not really...for remember that underneath this uniform lies a scholar of English literature...and if there is something all great works have in common, be it prose or poetry, it is that they inevitably reference this, the most basic and strongest of human emotions.
It's all there in the pages, words waiting to be unlocked by the reader...the passion and tremulous uncertainty of first love, the solemn and rapturous celebration of love fulfilled, the wistful meditations on love unrequited or changed, and the heartrending farewells and melancholy sadness of love lost forever.
What is it about this one great human passion that has us all so mesmerized? And what exactly is 'true' love...affection in its purest form?
Strange question, that last one. Not an easy one to answer. Every teenager thinks his or her first love is true love, but is it really? How much of love is driven by lust and self centered need than by anything pure and noble as penned by great poets like Keats or Byron.
How many of us actually experience true love in our lifetime? I think the number is far fewer than one might expect. Or is it that there are different degrees of love? That there is no one specific definition to the emotional ties that join two people?
Is each love as unique as the individuals who comprise the pair?
These questions came to me as I watched Alison's sleeping form, so small and vulnerable as she lay curled in a ball at the edge of the huge king sized hotel bed.
She had cried herself to sleep. I could tell by the puffiness around her closed eyes and the redness of her nose. I was the cause, of course. My little tirade and angry accusations had hurt her at a time when she is most vulnerable.
And yet she wouldn't break down in front of me...Allie stood her ground and gave as good as she got...despite the pain in her heart...despite the additional hurt I threw at her in my unthinking state.
I feel like such a jerk. I stood over her for a good ten minutes, wondering what to say...wondering if I should wake her up and apologize but in the end I just left her a note. Even after I penned it and left it on the night table I continued to stand there, soaking in her presence...studying her...trying to burn an image of her in my mind...every soft curve, every nuance...
God, she is beautiful.
It's strange, what I feel when I am with her. A mixture of calm contentment and utter confusion, of deep passion and heart stopping fear all at once. It confuses me...so much so that lately I am at my wits end as to what to do about it.
I have loved before, you know. But it was different. I was younger...but it was love. Or was it? Before I met Alison I could say with the utmost certainty that I had been in love with the woman in question, but it was so very different than what I feel now that I sometimes wonder if I was somehow mistaken...that I had confused it with some other emotion, some other passion.
But no...it was love. In another form, I would guess. An immature love. One born of need and want, of lust and fire...an all-consuming flash that burned hot for a short time and then was snuffed just as quickly.
Snuffed by her...Dashiell. You still loved her.
Did she ever love you back?
Even now, after so many years, the pain still aches deep within me. It is not of loss anymore...I don't wish to have her back. I no longer pine for her at night, think of her during the day. It is the pain of anger and soul wrenching betrayal. It is the ache of knowing something has been taken from you by force and you will never get it back...
...your ability to trust, to love...and to allow yourself to be loved in return. The willingness to make yourself vulnerable.
And isn't that what love does, for all intents and purposes...makes you vulnerable?
I never thought I would be able to feel so deeply for another person again. I never thought in a million years that I would be willing and able to remain in a relationship with someone for so long.
I never thought I would be able to love again.
And yet, here I am, not only doing that very same thing but experiencing things...thoughts, feelings, emotions...that despite my experience I have never felt before.
It hit me like a ton of bricks while we were vacationing together in Grenada...a place that I have mentioned at several points in this journal, so I think at this point you might very well have some idea what that time meant to me.
It almost didn't happen, you know. When Scarlett initially approached me about her plans I immediately referenced rule number five of the my dating commandments, 'though shall not go on long, romantic vacations together'.
In response I got a slap upside the head. Red is worse than Jaye when it comes to that.
Regardless, she convinced me that what I was doing was not 'wooing' Jaye, but helping a friend get his mind off his buddies who were being held prisoner in Borovia and forget the hard fact that he was under strict orders NOT to try a rescue.
They should have known Snake Eyes was not going to listen.
I should have known.
I did know, in a way.
Before the vacation was even a spark in the back of Scarlett's sneaky little mind I approached Snakes and offered my help. Difficult, suicidal rescue missions are my specialty, as he well knew...but he turned me down flat. Irritating to say the least. I didn't let up, though. I guess I was a bad influence, Hawk certainly thought so when he found out what I was up too...but that didn't stop me.
I knew my quiet buddy...I knew what was going through his head. I knew he was planning something and I sure as hell wanted to be a part of it.
I stand by my friends.
Which is one of the reasons why I was so hurt and angry when I found out what they pulled. When I found out they left me behind.
In any case, back to the vacation.
Despite the tension simmering inside of Snakes Eye's heart, we all managed to have a lovely time. Days filled with sun, sand and surf...nights spent dancing, drinking...strolling under the stars.
Alison and I didn't fight once, which was highly unusual given the volatile nature of a relationship. Ok...she did damn near drown me at one point, but that was in retaliation for what we like to refer to as the 'Octopus Incident'. A childish prank on my part, but well worth the inevitable retaliation that came soon after.
It was also my first long term glance at 'Alison' the woman...completely separated from 'Lady Jaye' the soldier.
It was our first time out together as civilians, and I have to tell you her grace and femininity stirred something in me the moment I saw her standing on the beach in her bikini, the moment I saw her in walking along the beach in the moonlight. The easy smile, the gorgeous laugh, the sparkle in her eye...
I was mesmerized.
But the thing that sent me over the edge, sent me spiraling out of control was not her beauty...it was that she let me in. For two fleeting, wonderful moments...she dropped her guard and let me in.
The first occurred one evening after dinner. I had dragged her up to a spot on a cliff overlooking the ocean that I had found earlier in the day, and we were sitting quietly under a tree discussing this and that. I was more relaxed than I had been in years and I could tell by the feel of her in my arms that she was as well.
It was then that I first heard it...her voice low and melodic, spinning tales told to her by her father and her father's father. Alison's love of the spoken word is rivaled only by my love of the written. She comes from a family of accomplished storytellers and is herself a gifted actress.
Each word was chosen careful, spoken with feeling... woven with the others into a carefully orchestrated tapestry, drawing the listener in so completely that for an instant the real world disappears under its influence.
However much I was taken by the story itself, it was she who had my full attention. I knew what an honor it was to be graced by what amounted to a private performance. In her own way, she was giving me a part of herself...the part that was tied so closely to her family, to her traditions and stories...to her father.
I was touched in a way I can hardly describe...and when she finished and looked at me, her eyes downcast as if ashamed or embarrassed by what she had shared, as if fearing my reaction...I felt something spark deep inside my gut, and before I could stop myself I kissed her.
I know...I have kissed her before. Many times...but this was special. I could tell from the instant our lips connected, but before I could explore it Snakes and Red appeared and the moment was lost.
I probably would have pushed the whole thing to the back of my mind, never to be revisited...safely locked away so as not to bother me with thoughts I was not prepared to entertain. Unfortunately...or fortunately...fate had an altogether different plan for me, bringing the entire issue back to the surface not in a slow and gentle trickle...but in a flood.
The event that triggered this inundation was, of course, the infamous 'ninja stepping on a land mind' fiasco.
Even knowing what I know now...even knowing that they are both alive and well, that it was all an elaborate plan to 'disappear' and free themselves to rescue Stalker and the others despite orders, when I think back on that afternoon the pain still shoots through me as if I was still standing right there in the field...watching the scene in shock and horror as the explosion shook the ground.
You know what hits me the hardest?
The guilt. The terrible, terrible guilt.
I should have remembered they were headed into an old minefield! I had seen it on the news just recently, the evening before in fact. I should have noticed the sign sooner...it was lying on the ground just a few feet in front of me...but by the time I got my act together it was too late.
They were gone...
I managed to pull myself together quickly enough...in the split second after the explosion I went into *Flint* mode, taking charge of the situation with a cold professionalism that even Duke would have admired.
I had to...Alison was too far-gone to do anything. I barely managed to keep her from running into that minefield after them and getting herself killed!
She wasn't hysterical...far from it.
Jaye doesn't do hysteria.
What she did do is go very, very quiet. It was as if she were folding inwards, retreating into some deep sanctuary where nothing could touch her. I watched as it happened, watched as she stood beside me staring off into space, her arms crossed and her face expressionless. It was the first time I had seen her like that and it worried me...scared me a bit.
I kept a close eye on her for the entire evening, every so often looking over my shoulder to check on her as I wrapped things up with the local authorities and contacted headquarters. I kept myself busy...very busy...taking care of both business and Jaye. It was the only thing that was keeping me standing.
Snakes and I are close. We might not have known each other long, but I trust him with both my life and my confidences. I admire him...his skill, his strength of character, his loyalty. I know that he will watch my back no matter what is thrown at him...and I had failed to watch his.
And Red...poor Shana.
She and I are not as close as we could be. I sometimes think that she doesn't like me very much...only tolerates me because of my relationship with Alison and my friendship with Snakes, but regardless I know she would go to bat for me...has gone to bat for me.
I had failed her too. And in failing her I failed Snakes yet again. His love for her is so strong that I know he would give his life for her without even batting an eye. I know he would have expected me to at least pull her out.
I know he would...because that night I finally understood what drove him.
When we finally returned to the hotel room, exhausted and emotionally drained, we stood in silence for what seemed to me an eternity...Alison sitting on the bed staring at the floor...not wanting to look at me.
Did she blame me? Did she feel the same way I did...that it was my fault? The thought tore through me like a knife through my heart, and before I knew it I called her name in a voice filled with pain, guilt, desperation...and need.
...and with that simple cry I managed to break down the barrier that she had put up around herself. At the sound of my voice she looked up, tears in her eyes, and reached for me.
What ensued was an experience that very, very few people are graced with in their lifetime. Making love hardly describes it. It is the type of intimacy that only happens when you let yourself go, when you open yourself up to another human being...when you both let your guard down and make yourself truly vulnerable.
Not since Karen has sex seemed important, or significant in any deeper way. Where every touch, every caress, every kiss expresses emotions that can never be properly expressed with words alone.
I had pretty much given up on that type of intimacy...not the pleasure of sex, but the sheer power of true joining. Now, here it was again...but one hundred times more powerful than anything I had ever experienced...
That night, the intensity of my emotions made the hair stand up on my skin, made the blood pound in my head. I half expect to see flames ignite where my hand touched her skin.
That night all those words so skillfully written down by Lawrence, Keats, Byron...by Austin, Bronte, and Shakespeare...by every author who wrote about love...were made crystal clear.
Do you understand now? Do you know now why I was so terrified? Do you understand now why I ran?
I should point out I was not the only one who bolted. Alison was a bit shaken up by the experience as well, so much so that the next morning she was having trouble putting two words together in front of me. You can imagine how flustered she had to be for that to happen, given her mastery of language.
Both of us were too embarrassed to even look each other in the eye.
As it was it took almost a month before we so much as touched each other again, that touch being Alison's fist connecting with my jaw during that little episode I mentioned previously.
I couldn't help myself! I opened my mouth and before I knew it I was yelling at Snakes and Red!
Yes, I was relieved to have them back, alive and well...but at the same time I was humiliated at being played for a fool...I was hurt that they didn't trust me enough to include me on the mission...I was angry at the terrible guilt and pain they had inflicted on me...and more than that, I was frustrated and confused over the whole mess with Alison.
I just didn't know how to deal with it anymore. It was supposed to be light...it was supposed to be temporary. What happened in Grenada does not happen in light or temporary relationships!
However, as afraid as I was to recognize the relationship for what it had become, I was more afraid that if I didn't act soon, I was going to lose her. So what did I do? As we drove out in to meet the plane carrying Snakes, Red, Stalker, Snow Job and Quick Kick back to civilization, I tried to tell her how I felt.
You know, there is a reason I am always using quotes to express myself. Rhodes Scholar I might be, but the minute I have to say something deep or poignant WITHOUT one I become a blathering idiot!
All I could think of to do was babble something completely nonsensical on the merits of caring...how people can tell that you care without your having to say a word.
Jaye merely watched me with an odd look on her face. Roadblock, who had been standing quietly in the back of the tank watching the scene unfold, chuckled softly and shook his head in amusement.
"I suppose you think this is all very funny, Marvin..." I hissed as we got of the tank and followed Jaye to the runway.
"I think it's hilarious!" he laughed as he watched me stomp off in indignation.
I don't think Alison quite understood what I was telling her, at least not until she started reaming into me as I lay on the ground clutching my bruised jaw...when she stopped mid sentence and just stared at me amazement.
So there...I admitted to her that I cared...that she was more to me than a mere fling.
Not much, but I don't think either of us was ready for anything more at that point.
I know I wasn't.
I think I would have been more comfortable going back to the light, 'no commitment' phase except that some long buried part of me had emerged that night, and for all my bluster I knew that our relationship had changed forever.
Against all odds the woman had awoken something in me that I thought had died long ago, and for the life of me I didn't know how to kill it again.
Love.
Who would have known?
Anyhow, back to the present. I had better get my shit together and prepare for the chaos that these top-secret missions usually entail.
Alison should be on her way to Scotland right now if all went according to plan. I had gone and purchased tickets for her at the airport as soon as I realized the date. She is usually in the Highlands this time of year visiting her father's grave, and I am sure that dropping it all to follow Hawk to San Francisco had killed her.
It cost me a small fortune...last minute first class tickets...the only seat available...but it was worth every penny. It was the least I could do, given the pain I had caused her.
Hopefully she will forgive me.
I wish I could be there for her. She never asks me to come along on these little trips, and I respect her need for privacy. Nevertheless, I feel as though I should stand by her side...provide a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on.
Why then did I feel relief that I couldn't?
Karen...you bitch...look what you have done to me!
At that thought, Hawk's words to me as I sat up from the table to go gather up my things for the mission have begun to echo through my mind.
"You know..." he said, his arm on my shoulder, stopping me "...my dad said something to me once when I was younger...something that stuck in my head to this day. He said..'Clay...you may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough.' "
"Sir?" I looked at him blankly, not willing to show him that I understood what he was trying to say.
He sighed and shook his head
"Think about it, Faireborn...just think about it..."
Hawk is right of course.
That is what love is all about, isn't it...trust. Without it any relationship you have is nothing...
...and that is what Karen took from me...
I will never forgive her.
You would laugh if you saw me now...a laugh of incredulity and amusement.
For here I sit, armed to the teeth on a transport plane bound for some war torn area of Asia, on a mission so secret that the orders are still sealed in an envelope in my front pocket, only to be opened when we reach enemy airspace. Around me the others, hand picked for this mission, rest as they prepare themselves for the inevitable confrontation...waiting on me to lead them.
And yet, behind my badass glare, my mind is lost contemplating neither tactics nor strategy, nor am I wondering who it is that is sitting quietly across from me clad in a dark suit and tie...although I have some idea and am not at all happy about it.
No.
I am reflecting on the ever changing, fleeting world of 'love'.
I can just see your wide-eyed disbelief as you read that last word. Odd, isn't it? In truth not really...for remember that underneath this uniform lies a scholar of English literature...and if there is something all great works have in common, be it prose or poetry, it is that they inevitably reference this, the most basic and strongest of human emotions.
It's all there in the pages, words waiting to be unlocked by the reader...the passion and tremulous uncertainty of first love, the solemn and rapturous celebration of love fulfilled, the wistful meditations on love unrequited or changed, and the heartrending farewells and melancholy sadness of love lost forever.
What is it about this one great human passion that has us all so mesmerized? And what exactly is 'true' love...affection in its purest form?
Strange question, that last one. Not an easy one to answer. Every teenager thinks his or her first love is true love, but is it really? How much of love is driven by lust and self centered need than by anything pure and noble as penned by great poets like Keats or Byron.
How many of us actually experience true love in our lifetime? I think the number is far fewer than one might expect. Or is it that there are different degrees of love? That there is no one specific definition to the emotional ties that join two people?
Is each love as unique as the individuals who comprise the pair?
These questions came to me as I watched Alison's sleeping form, so small and vulnerable as she lay curled in a ball at the edge of the huge king sized hotel bed.
She had cried herself to sleep. I could tell by the puffiness around her closed eyes and the redness of her nose. I was the cause, of course. My little tirade and angry accusations had hurt her at a time when she is most vulnerable.
And yet she wouldn't break down in front of me...Allie stood her ground and gave as good as she got...despite the pain in her heart...despite the additional hurt I threw at her in my unthinking state.
I feel like such a jerk. I stood over her for a good ten minutes, wondering what to say...wondering if I should wake her up and apologize but in the end I just left her a note. Even after I penned it and left it on the night table I continued to stand there, soaking in her presence...studying her...trying to burn an image of her in my mind...every soft curve, every nuance...
God, she is beautiful.
It's strange, what I feel when I am with her. A mixture of calm contentment and utter confusion, of deep passion and heart stopping fear all at once. It confuses me...so much so that lately I am at my wits end as to what to do about it.
I have loved before, you know. But it was different. I was younger...but it was love. Or was it? Before I met Alison I could say with the utmost certainty that I had been in love with the woman in question, but it was so very different than what I feel now that I sometimes wonder if I was somehow mistaken...that I had confused it with some other emotion, some other passion.
But no...it was love. In another form, I would guess. An immature love. One born of need and want, of lust and fire...an all-consuming flash that burned hot for a short time and then was snuffed just as quickly.
Snuffed by her...Dashiell. You still loved her.
Did she ever love you back?
Even now, after so many years, the pain still aches deep within me. It is not of loss anymore...I don't wish to have her back. I no longer pine for her at night, think of her during the day. It is the pain of anger and soul wrenching betrayal. It is the ache of knowing something has been taken from you by force and you will never get it back...
...your ability to trust, to love...and to allow yourself to be loved in return. The willingness to make yourself vulnerable.
And isn't that what love does, for all intents and purposes...makes you vulnerable?
I never thought I would be able to feel so deeply for another person again. I never thought in a million years that I would be willing and able to remain in a relationship with someone for so long.
I never thought I would be able to love again.
And yet, here I am, not only doing that very same thing but experiencing things...thoughts, feelings, emotions...that despite my experience I have never felt before.
It hit me like a ton of bricks while we were vacationing together in Grenada...a place that I have mentioned at several points in this journal, so I think at this point you might very well have some idea what that time meant to me.
It almost didn't happen, you know. When Scarlett initially approached me about her plans I immediately referenced rule number five of the my dating commandments, 'though shall not go on long, romantic vacations together'.
In response I got a slap upside the head. Red is worse than Jaye when it comes to that.
Regardless, she convinced me that what I was doing was not 'wooing' Jaye, but helping a friend get his mind off his buddies who were being held prisoner in Borovia and forget the hard fact that he was under strict orders NOT to try a rescue.
They should have known Snake Eyes was not going to listen.
I should have known.
I did know, in a way.
Before the vacation was even a spark in the back of Scarlett's sneaky little mind I approached Snakes and offered my help. Difficult, suicidal rescue missions are my specialty, as he well knew...but he turned me down flat. Irritating to say the least. I didn't let up, though. I guess I was a bad influence, Hawk certainly thought so when he found out what I was up too...but that didn't stop me.
I knew my quiet buddy...I knew what was going through his head. I knew he was planning something and I sure as hell wanted to be a part of it.
I stand by my friends.
Which is one of the reasons why I was so hurt and angry when I found out what they pulled. When I found out they left me behind.
In any case, back to the vacation.
Despite the tension simmering inside of Snakes Eye's heart, we all managed to have a lovely time. Days filled with sun, sand and surf...nights spent dancing, drinking...strolling under the stars.
Alison and I didn't fight once, which was highly unusual given the volatile nature of a relationship. Ok...she did damn near drown me at one point, but that was in retaliation for what we like to refer to as the 'Octopus Incident'. A childish prank on my part, but well worth the inevitable retaliation that came soon after.
It was also my first long term glance at 'Alison' the woman...completely separated from 'Lady Jaye' the soldier.
It was our first time out together as civilians, and I have to tell you her grace and femininity stirred something in me the moment I saw her standing on the beach in her bikini, the moment I saw her in walking along the beach in the moonlight. The easy smile, the gorgeous laugh, the sparkle in her eye...
I was mesmerized.
But the thing that sent me over the edge, sent me spiraling out of control was not her beauty...it was that she let me in. For two fleeting, wonderful moments...she dropped her guard and let me in.
The first occurred one evening after dinner. I had dragged her up to a spot on a cliff overlooking the ocean that I had found earlier in the day, and we were sitting quietly under a tree discussing this and that. I was more relaxed than I had been in years and I could tell by the feel of her in my arms that she was as well.
It was then that I first heard it...her voice low and melodic, spinning tales told to her by her father and her father's father. Alison's love of the spoken word is rivaled only by my love of the written. She comes from a family of accomplished storytellers and is herself a gifted actress.
Each word was chosen careful, spoken with feeling... woven with the others into a carefully orchestrated tapestry, drawing the listener in so completely that for an instant the real world disappears under its influence.
However much I was taken by the story itself, it was she who had my full attention. I knew what an honor it was to be graced by what amounted to a private performance. In her own way, she was giving me a part of herself...the part that was tied so closely to her family, to her traditions and stories...to her father.
I was touched in a way I can hardly describe...and when she finished and looked at me, her eyes downcast as if ashamed or embarrassed by what she had shared, as if fearing my reaction...I felt something spark deep inside my gut, and before I could stop myself I kissed her.
I know...I have kissed her before. Many times...but this was special. I could tell from the instant our lips connected, but before I could explore it Snakes and Red appeared and the moment was lost.
I probably would have pushed the whole thing to the back of my mind, never to be revisited...safely locked away so as not to bother me with thoughts I was not prepared to entertain. Unfortunately...or fortunately...fate had an altogether different plan for me, bringing the entire issue back to the surface not in a slow and gentle trickle...but in a flood.
The event that triggered this inundation was, of course, the infamous 'ninja stepping on a land mind' fiasco.
Even knowing what I know now...even knowing that they are both alive and well, that it was all an elaborate plan to 'disappear' and free themselves to rescue Stalker and the others despite orders, when I think back on that afternoon the pain still shoots through me as if I was still standing right there in the field...watching the scene in shock and horror as the explosion shook the ground.
You know what hits me the hardest?
The guilt. The terrible, terrible guilt.
I should have remembered they were headed into an old minefield! I had seen it on the news just recently, the evening before in fact. I should have noticed the sign sooner...it was lying on the ground just a few feet in front of me...but by the time I got my act together it was too late.
They were gone...
I managed to pull myself together quickly enough...in the split second after the explosion I went into *Flint* mode, taking charge of the situation with a cold professionalism that even Duke would have admired.
I had to...Alison was too far-gone to do anything. I barely managed to keep her from running into that minefield after them and getting herself killed!
She wasn't hysterical...far from it.
Jaye doesn't do hysteria.
What she did do is go very, very quiet. It was as if she were folding inwards, retreating into some deep sanctuary where nothing could touch her. I watched as it happened, watched as she stood beside me staring off into space, her arms crossed and her face expressionless. It was the first time I had seen her like that and it worried me...scared me a bit.
I kept a close eye on her for the entire evening, every so often looking over my shoulder to check on her as I wrapped things up with the local authorities and contacted headquarters. I kept myself busy...very busy...taking care of both business and Jaye. It was the only thing that was keeping me standing.
Snakes and I are close. We might not have known each other long, but I trust him with both my life and my confidences. I admire him...his skill, his strength of character, his loyalty. I know that he will watch my back no matter what is thrown at him...and I had failed to watch his.
And Red...poor Shana.
She and I are not as close as we could be. I sometimes think that she doesn't like me very much...only tolerates me because of my relationship with Alison and my friendship with Snakes, but regardless I know she would go to bat for me...has gone to bat for me.
I had failed her too. And in failing her I failed Snakes yet again. His love for her is so strong that I know he would give his life for her without even batting an eye. I know he would have expected me to at least pull her out.
I know he would...because that night I finally understood what drove him.
When we finally returned to the hotel room, exhausted and emotionally drained, we stood in silence for what seemed to me an eternity...Alison sitting on the bed staring at the floor...not wanting to look at me.
Did she blame me? Did she feel the same way I did...that it was my fault? The thought tore through me like a knife through my heart, and before I knew it I called her name in a voice filled with pain, guilt, desperation...and need.
...and with that simple cry I managed to break down the barrier that she had put up around herself. At the sound of my voice she looked up, tears in her eyes, and reached for me.
What ensued was an experience that very, very few people are graced with in their lifetime. Making love hardly describes it. It is the type of intimacy that only happens when you let yourself go, when you open yourself up to another human being...when you both let your guard down and make yourself truly vulnerable.
Not since Karen has sex seemed important, or significant in any deeper way. Where every touch, every caress, every kiss expresses emotions that can never be properly expressed with words alone.
I had pretty much given up on that type of intimacy...not the pleasure of sex, but the sheer power of true joining. Now, here it was again...but one hundred times more powerful than anything I had ever experienced...
That night, the intensity of my emotions made the hair stand up on my skin, made the blood pound in my head. I half expect to see flames ignite where my hand touched her skin.
That night all those words so skillfully written down by Lawrence, Keats, Byron...by Austin, Bronte, and Shakespeare...by every author who wrote about love...were made crystal clear.
Do you understand now? Do you know now why I was so terrified? Do you understand now why I ran?
I should point out I was not the only one who bolted. Alison was a bit shaken up by the experience as well, so much so that the next morning she was having trouble putting two words together in front of me. You can imagine how flustered she had to be for that to happen, given her mastery of language.
Both of us were too embarrassed to even look each other in the eye.
As it was it took almost a month before we so much as touched each other again, that touch being Alison's fist connecting with my jaw during that little episode I mentioned previously.
I couldn't help myself! I opened my mouth and before I knew it I was yelling at Snakes and Red!
Yes, I was relieved to have them back, alive and well...but at the same time I was humiliated at being played for a fool...I was hurt that they didn't trust me enough to include me on the mission...I was angry at the terrible guilt and pain they had inflicted on me...and more than that, I was frustrated and confused over the whole mess with Alison.
I just didn't know how to deal with it anymore. It was supposed to be light...it was supposed to be temporary. What happened in Grenada does not happen in light or temporary relationships!
However, as afraid as I was to recognize the relationship for what it had become, I was more afraid that if I didn't act soon, I was going to lose her. So what did I do? As we drove out in to meet the plane carrying Snakes, Red, Stalker, Snow Job and Quick Kick back to civilization, I tried to tell her how I felt.
You know, there is a reason I am always using quotes to express myself. Rhodes Scholar I might be, but the minute I have to say something deep or poignant WITHOUT one I become a blathering idiot!
All I could think of to do was babble something completely nonsensical on the merits of caring...how people can tell that you care without your having to say a word.
Jaye merely watched me with an odd look on her face. Roadblock, who had been standing quietly in the back of the tank watching the scene unfold, chuckled softly and shook his head in amusement.
"I suppose you think this is all very funny, Marvin..." I hissed as we got of the tank and followed Jaye to the runway.
"I think it's hilarious!" he laughed as he watched me stomp off in indignation.
I don't think Alison quite understood what I was telling her, at least not until she started reaming into me as I lay on the ground clutching my bruised jaw...when she stopped mid sentence and just stared at me amazement.
So there...I admitted to her that I cared...that she was more to me than a mere fling.
Not much, but I don't think either of us was ready for anything more at that point.
I know I wasn't.
I think I would have been more comfortable going back to the light, 'no commitment' phase except that some long buried part of me had emerged that night, and for all my bluster I knew that our relationship had changed forever.
Against all odds the woman had awoken something in me that I thought had died long ago, and for the life of me I didn't know how to kill it again.
Love.
Who would have known?
Anyhow, back to the present. I had better get my shit together and prepare for the chaos that these top-secret missions usually entail.
Alison should be on her way to Scotland right now if all went according to plan. I had gone and purchased tickets for her at the airport as soon as I realized the date. She is usually in the Highlands this time of year visiting her father's grave, and I am sure that dropping it all to follow Hawk to San Francisco had killed her.
It cost me a small fortune...last minute first class tickets...the only seat available...but it was worth every penny. It was the least I could do, given the pain I had caused her.
Hopefully she will forgive me.
I wish I could be there for her. She never asks me to come along on these little trips, and I respect her need for privacy. Nevertheless, I feel as though I should stand by her side...provide a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on.
Why then did I feel relief that I couldn't?
Karen...you bitch...look what you have done to me!
At that thought, Hawk's words to me as I sat up from the table to go gather up my things for the mission have begun to echo through my mind.
"You know..." he said, his arm on my shoulder, stopping me "...my dad said something to me once when I was younger...something that stuck in my head to this day. He said..'Clay...you may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough.' "
"Sir?" I looked at him blankly, not willing to show him that I understood what he was trying to say.
He sighed and shook his head
"Think about it, Faireborn...just think about it..."
Hawk is right of course.
That is what love is all about, isn't it...trust. Without it any relationship you have is nothing...
...and that is what Karen took from me...
I will never forgive her.