October 20th...cont'
My brother John used to joke that I have a horseshoe wedged up my behind, given my luck. No matter what kind of trouble I get into, no matter what kind of disaster I make of my life, I always seem to land on my feet.
And I am lucky in this instance...incredibly lucky to have found someone like Alison...to have her in my life. And its not like I have made things easy...I sometimes wonder why she hasn't just hauled me out and left me on the street corner with the trash.
I certainly have done nothing to deserve her. If anything my overwhelming 'issues', and my hardheaded, stubborn refusal to commit have accomplished the exact opposite!
"Men in rage strike those that wish them best..."
Yet when I entered her quarters an hour ago...when I walked into her bathroom and sat quietly down on the mat next to the bubble filled tub in which she was relaxing...she turned to me and whispered.
"Are you ok, Dashiell...I was so worried..."
Was 'I' ok!?
I was so taken aback by the question, by the sincerity and concern in her voice that I sat speechless while she put her journal aside, waiting for my answer. I closed my eyes and breathed in the soothing smell of incense she had burning in the room...listened to the calming sounds of Ray Charles playing in the background...
Why couldn't I find the words?
"I'm so sorry, Allie...I didn't mean...I couldn't...I..."
"Shhhh...." I felt her soft wet hand brush my cheek and then I realized I had a tear in my eye. Me...'Flint Faireborn'...tough ass soldier and manly man....crying.
I opened my eyes to find her gazing at me intently, her voice soothing..."It's alright, sweetheart...I understand...everything's going to be alright..."
Hearing the words I said to her so many months ago echoed back at me with such feeling...with such heartfelt belief, I could no longer hold back the tears. I got up and took her hand as she slipped out of the tub, gently wrapping her in a towel as I pulled her into my arms.
Not since I was a little boy crying in my mother's arm over a skinned knee or some grave disappointment or hurt have I shed a tear in front of another human being.
Men don't cry.
How many times have I heard my father utter those words to his sons? We never shed a tear and stand stoic and strong in the face of all adversity. My upbringing was not unusual in any way...ask any guy. From the time we are boys we are taught that there is something inherently wrong with revealing our sensitive side to the world, that if we expose our vulnerability to others we somehow become less of a man. We forget that we are only human after all.
I don't know how long we lay there on the floor together as I wept in her arms. All the pain and grief that I had held inside for so long was released not in anger but in sorrow, and Allie held on to me as my body was wracked with sobs, her voice soothing, her hands soft against my skin.
I know Alison will keep this to herself. I know she will not hold my moment of weakness against me, but I cannot help but feel slightly embarrassed by the scene I made. As I said before, I have never cried in front of another person...not even Karen. Maybe that is my problem...I need to open up and share my feelings with those who care about me.
Well...at least with one person who cares about me...I am certainly not going to break down in front of Marvin...that's for damn sure.
With Alison, however, I think I can finally do so without consequence. Maybe I trust her more than I realize...
She still doesn't know the whole story of my past with Karen...even now I balk at sharing the sordid tale. I know that I am going to have to eventually.
Christ, I feel awful. I am supposed to be comforting her, not the other way around.
It's just so like Alison though. Beneath that tough, fiery, Celtic-hellion lies a thoughtful, caring, giving...and forgiving woman...
Forgiving...
Proust once wrote that there is 'no man, however wise, who has not at some point of his youth said things or lived in a way the consciousness of which is so unpleasant to him in later life that he would gladly, if he could, expunge them from his memory'.
Such is case with our disastrous mission to Sierra Gordo. If there is anything that I wish to forget...to pretend as if it never happened...the scene that took place there and the events that followed would top my list.
The thing is...I won't allow myself to forget it. I won't allow myself to bury this one. I made a promise to myself that I would always remember to what depths I sank that night...a stark and shocking reminder of what I nearly lost through my own foolishness.
It had been a top-secret mission which saw myself, Lady Jaye, Muskrat and Roadblock teamed up with our Russian counterparts the 'October Guard'. An absolute dog's breakfast from the get go, our small team ended up being chased, shot at and harried for several days by COBRA forces. Several of us had been injured in the fighting, including Marvin who had temporarily lost the use of his eyes, and as the field commander I was hard pressed to keep it all together and get us out of the jungle alive.
Regardless of our dire straits, which, truth be told, is part and parcel of what I have to deal with almost every day as a Joe...my mind was not at all on my work. My anxiety, frustration and anger stemmed not from the hardships of the mission, but from another source altogether.
One Lieutenant Gorky.
From the moment we met up on the transport he had been hitting on Lady Jaye with a persistence that amazed even his fellow guard. Usually, I would have stopped him in his tracks before he even got off the ground...I am unusually possessive of Allie at the best of times...but unfortunately having your plane shot down by enemy fire and then running for your life through the jungle precluded me from...how did Jaye put it? 'Marking my territory.
That didn't stop me from switching into macho-jerk mode, and the more I postured the more annoyed Jaye became. The more annoyed she became...the more she flirted right back at Gorky to spite me...the more she flirted the more confident Gorky became...which only served to make me angrier. It was a vicious circle and neither of us was about to end it.
It got so bad that I even tried to leave the Russians behind when the vehicle they were in broke down. I argued that the Desert Fox couldn't possibly take on more passengers and still outrun our pursuers...that they would do the same had situations been reversed. The idea was shot down quickly enough by the others, and Jaye snapped about sticking by people even if I see one of them as a threat to my 'macho self image'.
Was she mad! As angry as I had ever seen her...but I was furious as well. Even more so when Gorky sat himself down comfortably on Jaye's lap. In my jealousy induced state I began to drive like a maniac...taking chances that normally I would never have even considered. As it was I nearly ended up killing us all when I jumped a ravine in an attempt to evade the enemy...it was a miracle that the overloaded Desert Fox made it to the other side and didn't smash against the cliffs.
The rest of the days leading up to the 'incident' continued in much the same vein. Gorky hitting on Jaye, Jaye flirting with Gorky...and me sitting quietly to the side, trying to do my job as anger began to cloud my every thought, my every action. I held it down to the best of my abilities, but for all intents and purposes I was a walking tinderbox...
...and Alison...her frustration with me having reached it's peak after weeks of dancing around each other with regards to the nature of our relationship...decided to strike the match.
I know in her heart Alison blames herself for what happened. Admittedly, for a while some part of me blamed her as well. She played me like a harp, her only intent to hurt me...and hurt me using the very thing she knew...KNEW...would wound me the most. I think that this sent me over the edge more than anything she did or didn't do with Gorky.
Enveloped in her own anger, she pushed at me relentlessly...pushing and pushing even after she saw me attack Gorky. I saw him touch her, I saw him lean in to kiss her...and I lost it. I threw myself at him and only through sheer force were we pried apart. Even after that completely uncharacteristic display (I usually keep things very professional at work) she remained on the offensive.
I should have known enough...been man enough...to just walk away. She couldn't possibly have realized how I would react, how deep my pain was...Marvin had only scratched the surface of my past with her.
I don't think either of us meant it to go as far as it did.
I confronted her later around the perimeter of our makeshift camp, far from prying eyes and ears. I pretty much accused her of sleeping around, pushing her up against the vehicle and growling my dominance, claiming her as mine through sheer physical force and presence. I can imagine how intimidating I looked, I could see a spark of fear in her eyes...but Jaye was never one to back down from a fight.
Our verbal sparring continued as I held her in what must have been a painful grip...each of us spewing venom at the other, words whose sole purpose was to wound...
...and in a war of words, there is no greater master than Lady Jaye.
In a fit of red rage she let slip that she knew about Karen...mentioned her and my relationship in a less than flattering light.
I froze then, feeling the floodgates open...I saw the regret in her eyes as soon as the words were out of her mouth but it was too late. She had INTENDED to hurt me...and she did. Oh God she did!
And I wanted to hurt her back...
In a rage induced haze, I attacked her...attacked her physically, using my strength to overpower her. I...
I....
I began to force myself on her...the actions purely sexual. I was out of my mind with anger and grief...I wanted to hurt her...I wanted to...
Christ...
I managed to stop myself for a moment. I managed to rein in my anger before things went too far. She made eye contact with me and I saw the fear...it brought me back to my senses and I started to back off...but Jaye would have none of it. She held the power now and she knew it, and she was angry and hurt enough to use it to land the killing blow.
"You BASTARD...you fucking bastard..." she hissed through clenched teeth..."you are nothing but an ANIMAL!!!"
That was all it took...at those words...at that moment, it was Karen standing before me not Alison...and I lost all control.
I took her then...I took her in anger...there was no love in the action, no pleasure in the joining. I did it solely to hurt her...I wanted to hurt her. I wanted to make her suffer...
I don't think she could have stopped me even if she wanted to.
We didn't say a word to each other for the rest of the mission...I spoke to no one except to give orders while Lady Jaye carried them out like an automaton. When we finally got back to headquarters I took off in my car before I even signed in.
I was gone for three days, maybe four...I lost count. I moved from bar to bar, sleeping in my car, running from demons only I could see. I drank like a fish, drowning my sorrow in beer. Even after I left Karen I never indulged like this...but now...now I couldn't deal with anything anymore. I just wanted to be left alone in my drunken stupor, left alone to wallow in my misery...for I had driven the one person I cared for the most out of my life forever.
I had lost Alison.
It was Duke who found me; hung-over and miserable as I sat on a rock near my car, watching the desert.
"Jesus Christ, Flint...you smell awful." He said as he got out of the jeep and watched as it drove off before walked towards me, "You look like shit too."
"Go away, Duke..." I grumbled, not looking up.
"Not a chance in hell...you're just lucky I didn't send the MPs to haul your drunken ass back to base." He commented nonchalantly as I listened to him shuffle around behind me, "You're AWOL, soldier, in case you have forgotten the rules we all live by...now where are your car keys."
"Send them...I'm not going back..."
"Don't pull this shit with me Faireborn...you get your ass into this car right now!" He barked, "That's an order!"
I got up and swung around to face him, painted on my face a spiteful and condescending smile.
"An order? I outrank you, *Sergeant*...or have you forgotten?"
"Really?" he smiled with amusement and barely concealed impatience, "I'm sure Hawk would love to hear your interpretation of Joe Hierarchy..."
"Fuck Joe..."
"I will pretend I didn't hear that...get in the car."
"Fuck that...I'm not going anywhere..."
Suddenly, Duke turned and before I knew it his fist had hit me square in the stomach. I doubled over in pain.
"Get up, you sorry ass excuse for a soldier. " he yelled in his best drill sergeant voice, 'You can't even fight me, you're so busy sulking like some drunken therapy case...maybe you shoulf run away again like the coward you are."
Those words triggered the exact reaction he had hoped to elicit from me. I got up and took a swing but I was too slow...exhaustion and the effects of copious amounts of alcohol had dulled my reaction time. Before I knew it I was face down in the dirt again groaning in pain as Duke stood over me.
"Look at you...you can't even land a punch! Pathetic!" he snorted his disdain, "I am sick to death of cleaning up after you! What the HELL were you thinking, striking that Russian officer?!"
I was still struggling to catch my breath and couldn't reply. I don't think he expected one.
"You are just lucky that Marvin got to Hawk before the Russians did. Now get up!"
I didn't move.
"GET UP!"
"Christ Conrad," I whispered, "Why can't you just leave me be?"
He paused for a moment...watching me...and I heard and exasperated sigh leave his mouth before he replied in a softer tone.
"Because, Dash, you are one of the best damn soldiers I have ever worked with. Because I hate to see all your potential wasted over this 'thing' that you can't seem to shake. Because the men you work with all respect and look up to you despite your big headed, big mouthed, and, needless to say, very annoying habits... "
He took a breath before continuing.
"...but mostly because I am your friend and you know I will always have your back no matter what kind of shit you pull."
We sat quietly for a moment before Duke grabbed me and pulled me up into a sitting position...leaning me up against my car. .
"Dashiell...I don't know what happened out there...I don't know if I really care to find out...but my best soldier disappeared for three days on a drinking binge and another good soldier...and Hawk's favorite I might add...hasn't emerged from her room in three days. She hasn't answered the phone, hasn't eaten...hasn't even turned on the light according to Cover Girl, and Red isn't here to help snap her out of it..."
At his words I looked up sharply, meeting his eyes for the first time since he came out to get me.
"Is she ok?"
"I don't know, Flint...I honestly don't know..." he shook his head and continued.
"I've half a mind to transfer both your sixes to opposite ends of the country, you know..." he snapped, his face flashing anger again, "I know Hawk is going to do it if he catches wind of what is going on. His tolerance of your 'relationship' will end and end quickly as soon as he sees Jaye..."
I looked down at the ground...I deserved this...I deserved every second of it. And so what if she is transferred away...its over...
"Fuck it, Dash...stop sulking! Christ...I warned you not to get involved with her..."
"I should have listened..."
"Yes...yes you should have listened. But you never do, do you? You just go off half cocked like some John Wayne wanna-be...rushing into everything without thinking."
He paused again, sliding down to so sit beside me leaning against the door of the car.
"You asked me once why I brought you in to GIJOE...if it was because I knew your strengths. Do you remember what I told you?"
I shifted my weight as I tried in vain to get comfortable. The pain had subsided but I knew I was going to be sore the next day.
"...That you knew my weaknesses."
"Yes. I know your weaknesses...and knowing them I can adjust my plans accordingly." He sighed, "You don't have many...other than a big mouth and a bad temper...but the one that seems to give you the most trouble is your heart. You've got too much heart, Faireborn...and it clouds your judgment...colors everything you do..."
I closed my eyes as his words sunk in. I knew where this was heading...he WAS splitting us up.
"On the other hand I sometimes wonder if it is really a weakness...sometimes I think it is your greatest strength...and I can't help but envy you. I wish I had it..."
"I must be listening to Marvin too much...he's bloody making me soft. Next thing you know I will be writing an advice column!" He hissed to himself, "Look...I am taking you back to base right now and you are going to go in there and try to patch things up with Jaye..."
I looked up sharply at him...more shocked than anything.
"What. You can't be serious!" I shook my head as I got up and began to pace "You don't know what happened...there is nothing left to patch...its over..."
"Bullshit..."
"IT'S OVER!" I snapped, my voice betraying my pain.
"Not until I say it is, soldier!" Duke got up and snapped back, "I am NOT going to let you ruin your life over something that happened 10 years ago. You are going to haul your cowardly ass back to base and you are going to deal with this once and for all..."
"but..."
"Enough...I don't want to hear it!" he barked, "Karen is gone. She was a bitch and good riddance. Lady Jaye is twenty times the woman she ever was and you damn well know it. Not only that, and god knows why, she seems to have a soft spot for you despite your arrogant, big mouth, trouble making, sorry ass ways. No one ever said life was easy, and you have been through more shit than most...but I'll be damned if I let you use it as an excuse for the rest of your days...NOW SHUT UP AND GET IN THE CAR!"
Needless to say I was so stunned that I quietly did as I was told.
I think that walking into her room right then was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Harder than any black ops mission, harder than facing and army of BATS, harder even than leaving Karen.
It was pitch black when I entered, and as my eyes adjusted I noticed Roadblock walking towards me.
"How is she? " I whispered, not wanting to wake her.
"Better than she was," he looked back at her, "I have stayed with her, but its not me she needs right now."
"Its not me either, I'm sure..."
He put a hand on my shoulder and smiled sadly.
"Don't sell yourself short, my friend..." he began to make his way towards the door when I stopped him.
"What do I say, Marvin? What can I possibly say to..."
"Dash, my man...just listen to your heart and you will find the words..." and with that he was gone.
I approached her slowly, sitting myself on the edge of the bed while my hand went to gently stroke her hair. She looked awful...probably as bad as I did at the moment. Poor thing...
Suddenly her eyes opened and she watched me warily, as if not quite believing that it was actually me sitting next to her. But when she realized it was not a dream, her eyes widened and she began to move away. It hurt me, but I didn't hesitate...I grabbed her in my arms and held her tight as she struggled against me...held her as if my life depended on it.
I guess in some ways it did.
Soon the fighting subsided and she relaxed against me...crying...sobbing...wracked with grief as I rocked her back and forth, kissing her gently, whispering soothing words in her ear.
"I'm here, sweetheart...I'm here. I'm so sorry...god I am so sorry. Please forgive me...I never meant to hurt you. Shhhh baby...its not your fault...you couldn't have known...its going to be alright...everything's going to be ok."
Looking back I think, more than anything, that this whole incident was a turning point in my life. I knew I loved her after Grenada...but I didn't realize the depth and extent of it until I sat in her darkened room holding her close until she stopped crying, until I showed her a battered old picture of Karen I used to carry around in my pocket, until I felt the deep rumble in my throat as the words began to pour forth from my heart as Marvin said they would...
"A heavy heart, Belovèd, have I borne
From year to year until I saw thy face,
And sorrow after sorrow took the place
Of all those natural joys as lightly worn
As the stringed pearls, each lifted in its turn
By a beating heart at dance-time. Hopes apace
Were changed to long despairs, till God's own grace
Could scarcely lift above the world forlorn
My heavy heart. Than thou didst bid me bring
And let it drop adown thy calmly great
Deep being! Fast it sinketh, as a thing
Which its own nature doth precipitate,
While thine doth close above it, mediating
Betwixt the stars and the unaccomplished fate"
Poetry...I recited poetry to her as she watched me in astonishment. It had been years since I had been inspired enough, brave enough, to surrender myself to the words...and as I opened my eyes and saw her face I knew it had worked its magic.
Oh Allie...I am not ready to say those three faithful words...but as I sit here remembering all we have been through together...all I have put you through...I feel a need to tell you how grateful I am that you are in my life.
Be patient with me...Alison, I am trying. I promise you one day soon I will find the words to tell you how I feel...and find the courage to say them.
My brother John used to joke that I have a horseshoe wedged up my behind, given my luck. No matter what kind of trouble I get into, no matter what kind of disaster I make of my life, I always seem to land on my feet.
And I am lucky in this instance...incredibly lucky to have found someone like Alison...to have her in my life. And its not like I have made things easy...I sometimes wonder why she hasn't just hauled me out and left me on the street corner with the trash.
I certainly have done nothing to deserve her. If anything my overwhelming 'issues', and my hardheaded, stubborn refusal to commit have accomplished the exact opposite!
"Men in rage strike those that wish them best..."
Yet when I entered her quarters an hour ago...when I walked into her bathroom and sat quietly down on the mat next to the bubble filled tub in which she was relaxing...she turned to me and whispered.
"Are you ok, Dashiell...I was so worried..."
Was 'I' ok!?
I was so taken aback by the question, by the sincerity and concern in her voice that I sat speechless while she put her journal aside, waiting for my answer. I closed my eyes and breathed in the soothing smell of incense she had burning in the room...listened to the calming sounds of Ray Charles playing in the background...
Why couldn't I find the words?
"I'm so sorry, Allie...I didn't mean...I couldn't...I..."
"Shhhh...." I felt her soft wet hand brush my cheek and then I realized I had a tear in my eye. Me...'Flint Faireborn'...tough ass soldier and manly man....crying.
I opened my eyes to find her gazing at me intently, her voice soothing..."It's alright, sweetheart...I understand...everything's going to be alright..."
Hearing the words I said to her so many months ago echoed back at me with such feeling...with such heartfelt belief, I could no longer hold back the tears. I got up and took her hand as she slipped out of the tub, gently wrapping her in a towel as I pulled her into my arms.
Not since I was a little boy crying in my mother's arm over a skinned knee or some grave disappointment or hurt have I shed a tear in front of another human being.
Men don't cry.
How many times have I heard my father utter those words to his sons? We never shed a tear and stand stoic and strong in the face of all adversity. My upbringing was not unusual in any way...ask any guy. From the time we are boys we are taught that there is something inherently wrong with revealing our sensitive side to the world, that if we expose our vulnerability to others we somehow become less of a man. We forget that we are only human after all.
I don't know how long we lay there on the floor together as I wept in her arms. All the pain and grief that I had held inside for so long was released not in anger but in sorrow, and Allie held on to me as my body was wracked with sobs, her voice soothing, her hands soft against my skin.
I know Alison will keep this to herself. I know she will not hold my moment of weakness against me, but I cannot help but feel slightly embarrassed by the scene I made. As I said before, I have never cried in front of another person...not even Karen. Maybe that is my problem...I need to open up and share my feelings with those who care about me.
Well...at least with one person who cares about me...I am certainly not going to break down in front of Marvin...that's for damn sure.
With Alison, however, I think I can finally do so without consequence. Maybe I trust her more than I realize...
She still doesn't know the whole story of my past with Karen...even now I balk at sharing the sordid tale. I know that I am going to have to eventually.
Christ, I feel awful. I am supposed to be comforting her, not the other way around.
It's just so like Alison though. Beneath that tough, fiery, Celtic-hellion lies a thoughtful, caring, giving...and forgiving woman...
Forgiving...
Proust once wrote that there is 'no man, however wise, who has not at some point of his youth said things or lived in a way the consciousness of which is so unpleasant to him in later life that he would gladly, if he could, expunge them from his memory'.
Such is case with our disastrous mission to Sierra Gordo. If there is anything that I wish to forget...to pretend as if it never happened...the scene that took place there and the events that followed would top my list.
The thing is...I won't allow myself to forget it. I won't allow myself to bury this one. I made a promise to myself that I would always remember to what depths I sank that night...a stark and shocking reminder of what I nearly lost through my own foolishness.
It had been a top-secret mission which saw myself, Lady Jaye, Muskrat and Roadblock teamed up with our Russian counterparts the 'October Guard'. An absolute dog's breakfast from the get go, our small team ended up being chased, shot at and harried for several days by COBRA forces. Several of us had been injured in the fighting, including Marvin who had temporarily lost the use of his eyes, and as the field commander I was hard pressed to keep it all together and get us out of the jungle alive.
Regardless of our dire straits, which, truth be told, is part and parcel of what I have to deal with almost every day as a Joe...my mind was not at all on my work. My anxiety, frustration and anger stemmed not from the hardships of the mission, but from another source altogether.
One Lieutenant Gorky.
From the moment we met up on the transport he had been hitting on Lady Jaye with a persistence that amazed even his fellow guard. Usually, I would have stopped him in his tracks before he even got off the ground...I am unusually possessive of Allie at the best of times...but unfortunately having your plane shot down by enemy fire and then running for your life through the jungle precluded me from...how did Jaye put it? 'Marking my territory.
That didn't stop me from switching into macho-jerk mode, and the more I postured the more annoyed Jaye became. The more annoyed she became...the more she flirted right back at Gorky to spite me...the more she flirted the more confident Gorky became...which only served to make me angrier. It was a vicious circle and neither of us was about to end it.
It got so bad that I even tried to leave the Russians behind when the vehicle they were in broke down. I argued that the Desert Fox couldn't possibly take on more passengers and still outrun our pursuers...that they would do the same had situations been reversed. The idea was shot down quickly enough by the others, and Jaye snapped about sticking by people even if I see one of them as a threat to my 'macho self image'.
Was she mad! As angry as I had ever seen her...but I was furious as well. Even more so when Gorky sat himself down comfortably on Jaye's lap. In my jealousy induced state I began to drive like a maniac...taking chances that normally I would never have even considered. As it was I nearly ended up killing us all when I jumped a ravine in an attempt to evade the enemy...it was a miracle that the overloaded Desert Fox made it to the other side and didn't smash against the cliffs.
The rest of the days leading up to the 'incident' continued in much the same vein. Gorky hitting on Jaye, Jaye flirting with Gorky...and me sitting quietly to the side, trying to do my job as anger began to cloud my every thought, my every action. I held it down to the best of my abilities, but for all intents and purposes I was a walking tinderbox...
...and Alison...her frustration with me having reached it's peak after weeks of dancing around each other with regards to the nature of our relationship...decided to strike the match.
I know in her heart Alison blames herself for what happened. Admittedly, for a while some part of me blamed her as well. She played me like a harp, her only intent to hurt me...and hurt me using the very thing she knew...KNEW...would wound me the most. I think that this sent me over the edge more than anything she did or didn't do with Gorky.
Enveloped in her own anger, she pushed at me relentlessly...pushing and pushing even after she saw me attack Gorky. I saw him touch her, I saw him lean in to kiss her...and I lost it. I threw myself at him and only through sheer force were we pried apart. Even after that completely uncharacteristic display (I usually keep things very professional at work) she remained on the offensive.
I should have known enough...been man enough...to just walk away. She couldn't possibly have realized how I would react, how deep my pain was...Marvin had only scratched the surface of my past with her.
I don't think either of us meant it to go as far as it did.
I confronted her later around the perimeter of our makeshift camp, far from prying eyes and ears. I pretty much accused her of sleeping around, pushing her up against the vehicle and growling my dominance, claiming her as mine through sheer physical force and presence. I can imagine how intimidating I looked, I could see a spark of fear in her eyes...but Jaye was never one to back down from a fight.
Our verbal sparring continued as I held her in what must have been a painful grip...each of us spewing venom at the other, words whose sole purpose was to wound...
...and in a war of words, there is no greater master than Lady Jaye.
In a fit of red rage she let slip that she knew about Karen...mentioned her and my relationship in a less than flattering light.
I froze then, feeling the floodgates open...I saw the regret in her eyes as soon as the words were out of her mouth but it was too late. She had INTENDED to hurt me...and she did. Oh God she did!
And I wanted to hurt her back...
In a rage induced haze, I attacked her...attacked her physically, using my strength to overpower her. I...
I....
I began to force myself on her...the actions purely sexual. I was out of my mind with anger and grief...I wanted to hurt her...I wanted to...
Christ...
I managed to stop myself for a moment. I managed to rein in my anger before things went too far. She made eye contact with me and I saw the fear...it brought me back to my senses and I started to back off...but Jaye would have none of it. She held the power now and she knew it, and she was angry and hurt enough to use it to land the killing blow.
"You BASTARD...you fucking bastard..." she hissed through clenched teeth..."you are nothing but an ANIMAL!!!"
That was all it took...at those words...at that moment, it was Karen standing before me not Alison...and I lost all control.
I took her then...I took her in anger...there was no love in the action, no pleasure in the joining. I did it solely to hurt her...I wanted to hurt her. I wanted to make her suffer...
I don't think she could have stopped me even if she wanted to.
We didn't say a word to each other for the rest of the mission...I spoke to no one except to give orders while Lady Jaye carried them out like an automaton. When we finally got back to headquarters I took off in my car before I even signed in.
I was gone for three days, maybe four...I lost count. I moved from bar to bar, sleeping in my car, running from demons only I could see. I drank like a fish, drowning my sorrow in beer. Even after I left Karen I never indulged like this...but now...now I couldn't deal with anything anymore. I just wanted to be left alone in my drunken stupor, left alone to wallow in my misery...for I had driven the one person I cared for the most out of my life forever.
I had lost Alison.
It was Duke who found me; hung-over and miserable as I sat on a rock near my car, watching the desert.
"Jesus Christ, Flint...you smell awful." He said as he got out of the jeep and watched as it drove off before walked towards me, "You look like shit too."
"Go away, Duke..." I grumbled, not looking up.
"Not a chance in hell...you're just lucky I didn't send the MPs to haul your drunken ass back to base." He commented nonchalantly as I listened to him shuffle around behind me, "You're AWOL, soldier, in case you have forgotten the rules we all live by...now where are your car keys."
"Send them...I'm not going back..."
"Don't pull this shit with me Faireborn...you get your ass into this car right now!" He barked, "That's an order!"
I got up and swung around to face him, painted on my face a spiteful and condescending smile.
"An order? I outrank you, *Sergeant*...or have you forgotten?"
"Really?" he smiled with amusement and barely concealed impatience, "I'm sure Hawk would love to hear your interpretation of Joe Hierarchy..."
"Fuck Joe..."
"I will pretend I didn't hear that...get in the car."
"Fuck that...I'm not going anywhere..."
Suddenly, Duke turned and before I knew it his fist had hit me square in the stomach. I doubled over in pain.
"Get up, you sorry ass excuse for a soldier. " he yelled in his best drill sergeant voice, 'You can't even fight me, you're so busy sulking like some drunken therapy case...maybe you shoulf run away again like the coward you are."
Those words triggered the exact reaction he had hoped to elicit from me. I got up and took a swing but I was too slow...exhaustion and the effects of copious amounts of alcohol had dulled my reaction time. Before I knew it I was face down in the dirt again groaning in pain as Duke stood over me.
"Look at you...you can't even land a punch! Pathetic!" he snorted his disdain, "I am sick to death of cleaning up after you! What the HELL were you thinking, striking that Russian officer?!"
I was still struggling to catch my breath and couldn't reply. I don't think he expected one.
"You are just lucky that Marvin got to Hawk before the Russians did. Now get up!"
I didn't move.
"GET UP!"
"Christ Conrad," I whispered, "Why can't you just leave me be?"
He paused for a moment...watching me...and I heard and exasperated sigh leave his mouth before he replied in a softer tone.
"Because, Dash, you are one of the best damn soldiers I have ever worked with. Because I hate to see all your potential wasted over this 'thing' that you can't seem to shake. Because the men you work with all respect and look up to you despite your big headed, big mouthed, and, needless to say, very annoying habits... "
He took a breath before continuing.
"...but mostly because I am your friend and you know I will always have your back no matter what kind of shit you pull."
We sat quietly for a moment before Duke grabbed me and pulled me up into a sitting position...leaning me up against my car. .
"Dashiell...I don't know what happened out there...I don't know if I really care to find out...but my best soldier disappeared for three days on a drinking binge and another good soldier...and Hawk's favorite I might add...hasn't emerged from her room in three days. She hasn't answered the phone, hasn't eaten...hasn't even turned on the light according to Cover Girl, and Red isn't here to help snap her out of it..."
At his words I looked up sharply, meeting his eyes for the first time since he came out to get me.
"Is she ok?"
"I don't know, Flint...I honestly don't know..." he shook his head and continued.
"I've half a mind to transfer both your sixes to opposite ends of the country, you know..." he snapped, his face flashing anger again, "I know Hawk is going to do it if he catches wind of what is going on. His tolerance of your 'relationship' will end and end quickly as soon as he sees Jaye..."
I looked down at the ground...I deserved this...I deserved every second of it. And so what if she is transferred away...its over...
"Fuck it, Dash...stop sulking! Christ...I warned you not to get involved with her..."
"I should have listened..."
"Yes...yes you should have listened. But you never do, do you? You just go off half cocked like some John Wayne wanna-be...rushing into everything without thinking."
He paused again, sliding down to so sit beside me leaning against the door of the car.
"You asked me once why I brought you in to GIJOE...if it was because I knew your strengths. Do you remember what I told you?"
I shifted my weight as I tried in vain to get comfortable. The pain had subsided but I knew I was going to be sore the next day.
"...That you knew my weaknesses."
"Yes. I know your weaknesses...and knowing them I can adjust my plans accordingly." He sighed, "You don't have many...other than a big mouth and a bad temper...but the one that seems to give you the most trouble is your heart. You've got too much heart, Faireborn...and it clouds your judgment...colors everything you do..."
I closed my eyes as his words sunk in. I knew where this was heading...he WAS splitting us up.
"On the other hand I sometimes wonder if it is really a weakness...sometimes I think it is your greatest strength...and I can't help but envy you. I wish I had it..."
"I must be listening to Marvin too much...he's bloody making me soft. Next thing you know I will be writing an advice column!" He hissed to himself, "Look...I am taking you back to base right now and you are going to go in there and try to patch things up with Jaye..."
I looked up sharply at him...more shocked than anything.
"What. You can't be serious!" I shook my head as I got up and began to pace "You don't know what happened...there is nothing left to patch...its over..."
"Bullshit..."
"IT'S OVER!" I snapped, my voice betraying my pain.
"Not until I say it is, soldier!" Duke got up and snapped back, "I am NOT going to let you ruin your life over something that happened 10 years ago. You are going to haul your cowardly ass back to base and you are going to deal with this once and for all..."
"but..."
"Enough...I don't want to hear it!" he barked, "Karen is gone. She was a bitch and good riddance. Lady Jaye is twenty times the woman she ever was and you damn well know it. Not only that, and god knows why, she seems to have a soft spot for you despite your arrogant, big mouth, trouble making, sorry ass ways. No one ever said life was easy, and you have been through more shit than most...but I'll be damned if I let you use it as an excuse for the rest of your days...NOW SHUT UP AND GET IN THE CAR!"
Needless to say I was so stunned that I quietly did as I was told.
I think that walking into her room right then was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Harder than any black ops mission, harder than facing and army of BATS, harder even than leaving Karen.
It was pitch black when I entered, and as my eyes adjusted I noticed Roadblock walking towards me.
"How is she? " I whispered, not wanting to wake her.
"Better than she was," he looked back at her, "I have stayed with her, but its not me she needs right now."
"Its not me either, I'm sure..."
He put a hand on my shoulder and smiled sadly.
"Don't sell yourself short, my friend..." he began to make his way towards the door when I stopped him.
"What do I say, Marvin? What can I possibly say to..."
"Dash, my man...just listen to your heart and you will find the words..." and with that he was gone.
I approached her slowly, sitting myself on the edge of the bed while my hand went to gently stroke her hair. She looked awful...probably as bad as I did at the moment. Poor thing...
Suddenly her eyes opened and she watched me warily, as if not quite believing that it was actually me sitting next to her. But when she realized it was not a dream, her eyes widened and she began to move away. It hurt me, but I didn't hesitate...I grabbed her in my arms and held her tight as she struggled against me...held her as if my life depended on it.
I guess in some ways it did.
Soon the fighting subsided and she relaxed against me...crying...sobbing...wracked with grief as I rocked her back and forth, kissing her gently, whispering soothing words in her ear.
"I'm here, sweetheart...I'm here. I'm so sorry...god I am so sorry. Please forgive me...I never meant to hurt you. Shhhh baby...its not your fault...you couldn't have known...its going to be alright...everything's going to be ok."
Looking back I think, more than anything, that this whole incident was a turning point in my life. I knew I loved her after Grenada...but I didn't realize the depth and extent of it until I sat in her darkened room holding her close until she stopped crying, until I showed her a battered old picture of Karen I used to carry around in my pocket, until I felt the deep rumble in my throat as the words began to pour forth from my heart as Marvin said they would...
"A heavy heart, Belovèd, have I borne
From year to year until I saw thy face,
And sorrow after sorrow took the place
Of all those natural joys as lightly worn
As the stringed pearls, each lifted in its turn
By a beating heart at dance-time. Hopes apace
Were changed to long despairs, till God's own grace
Could scarcely lift above the world forlorn
My heavy heart. Than thou didst bid me bring
And let it drop adown thy calmly great
Deep being! Fast it sinketh, as a thing
Which its own nature doth precipitate,
While thine doth close above it, mediating
Betwixt the stars and the unaccomplished fate"
Poetry...I recited poetry to her as she watched me in astonishment. It had been years since I had been inspired enough, brave enough, to surrender myself to the words...and as I opened my eyes and saw her face I knew it had worked its magic.
Oh Allie...I am not ready to say those three faithful words...but as I sit here remembering all we have been through together...all I have put you through...I feel a need to tell you how grateful I am that you are in my life.
Be patient with me...Alison, I am trying. I promise you one day soon I will find the words to tell you how I feel...and find the courage to say them.