November 12th,
"At midnight I'll turn into a pumpkin and drive away in my glass slipper...and that will be the end of the fairytale..."
Surprisingly enough, those lines are not from a novel or any Oxford text, but come from a dialogue between Gregory Peck and Audrey Hepburn in 'Roman Holiday'.
The film in question is a bittersweet romantic-comedy, a Cinderella tale in reverse. A runaway princess played by Hepburn rebels against her royal obligations, escaping the insulated confines of her royal prison. Once on the outside she finds a 'Prince Charming' commoner - Peck, an American reporter sent to cover the royal tour in Rome - and spends a day or two with him enjoying her freedom.
It's not the entire movie that keeps replaying in my mind, truth be told I saw it so long ago I am surprised I remember any of it clearly. I am not a big film buff, not like Allie who has seen pretty much all the classics several times and knows them by heart. Regardless, one scene in particular...the last one...came back to me as plain as day.
The princess is giving a final goodbye, and as she slowly turns toward the audience of reporters who have gathered to interview her, she gives them a smile and catches Peck's eye...holding a tearjerker of a gaze before departing with her retinue. As the rest of the press leaves, Peck continues to stare at the door through which she left, knowing full well he will never see her again.
With echoing footsteps, he slowly leaves the room - the camera following as he walks through the sepulchral hall of some vast Roman palazzo. Turning one last time as he reaches the door, he looks back, his eyes full of loss, melancholy, love...expressing without words the bitter sweet feeling of love found fleetingly then lost irretrievably.
The journalist had just surrendered the love of his life, leaving the young woman to her calling...being a princess.
The whole thing is pure fantasy, an unlikely story that could only happen in a Hollywood script. Reality has no place in it...and yet at the very end it hits with full and brutal force. No happy ending here...
You are probably scratching your head, wondering what it is I am going on about...what any of this has to do with my life as written in these journals. I guess the only way I can put it is that last night at the White House, I found myself staring at a princess and, like Gregory Peck, I was very much the love-struck commoner, fearing that any moment she would walk through those gilded doors back to the palace and out of my life forever.
Lady Jaye...Lady Allison Hart Burnett...is hardly a royal, although she is a member of the British upper class...her Burnett ancestry tracing directly back to some well-to-do noble family. She is also from a world entirely different from my own. A world of privilege and power...of money and influence...and all the other perks that come from growing up a rich society girl.
She is a Hart.
I haven't touched on this side of her life. I try to be ambivalent...telling myself that it doesn't really matter anymore. I tend to forget her background, an easy thing to do when she is slogging through a bog or jumping out of an airplane beside you...when you are fighting alongside her day in and day out. Money doesn't ever enter the picture. We are Joes...we are taken care of...room, board...everything is provided. The salary is good and we really don't have much time to spend it anyhow.
Truth is she has money.
A lot of it.
She had even more before her family cut her off when she joined the army. She never talks about it but I am sure, regardless of the disinheritance, what remains is certainly more than any soldier could possibly accumulate in a lifetime!
Does it bother me?
Sometimes it does. I make a good living, and I have a bright future with the forces. My parents raised four boys on a military salary, and though admittedly there were times when things were tight...when I couldn't get what I wanted or when I had to stay behind when all my friends were off vacationing at some cottage on the lake...I had a good life.
The fact remains, however, that I can never give her what she is used to. I feel sometimes that I should just let her go, that I am keeping her from the good life...the country clubs and yachts, the summer homes and horses, the Vineyard estates and the English manors.
I feel that I am holding her back from realizing some vast untapped potential, a potential that shone so very clearly at the Washington gala we attended together.
I couldn't believe my eyes when I glimpsed her emerging from the Rolls Royce limousine, stepping out onto the red carpet. Alison is a beautiful woman, even in her cammies...an ensemble that hardly accentuates the female form. Of course, I have seen her in the buff and KNOW she has a lovely figure...but when I saw her last night in the long black dress, diamonds around her neck, hair done and eyes alight...I was dumbstruck.
She was exquisite!
It wasn't just how she had put herself together, it was the way she walked...her poise, her grace, her assured and confident bearing...a princess in every sense of the word. Even Hawk and Duke stood in awe, shocked and pleased by the 'Lady' who just the other day had been lugging around the base in combat boots and a baseball hat.
It was incredible.
So stunned was I by her beauty, by this glorious woman I had known for so many years who now stood before me a virtual stranger, that for the first time in my life I was at a loss for words. I could hardly even say her name!
She merely looked at me affectionately, amusement dancing in her eyes...I was in such a state I don't remember what she said...before setting off towards the ballroom with me following at her heels like a puppy.
In fact, I think I would have remained a babbling idiot for the rest of the evening had I not been reminded that we were on a mission...and a dangerous one at that. For there, in the hall in their dress best, medals and ribbons gleaming on their chests, were the men known collectively as the Jugglers.
Hawk is a shrewd man. He plays politics almost as well as he moves his men on the battlefield. Like a slow and deliberate game of chess, he shifts his pieces expertly in an attempt to place his opponent in check. This time however, sitting on the other side of the checkered board was not COBRA...who play erratically at the best of times...but the most powerful men in the Pentagon, all of them masters of the game...
...And because of this, the piece he chose to put into play was Lady Jaye...the 'Queen'.
The most dominant piece on the board, in chess the Queen combines the power of the Rook and the Bishop, moving in any direction with ease and purpose. Intelligent and deadly, Alison is as much at home in these political and social circles as she is on the battlefield...maybe more so.
It was a cunning move on the General's part, using her name to shake up the inner circle...using her skills to glean what information she could off these Washington players.
Problem is, in chess every move you make has a consequence. If you are skilled enough, lucky enough...you win. If not, you risk loosing your piece and being placed in check yourself.
But this isn't a game. The Jugglers are dangerous men and the piece he has played happens to be the woman I love. If he loses she won't merely be put aside to be played again another day.
These men are more treacherous than even COBRA.
Not surprisingly, Alison was less than amused by my worries...interpreting my concern as a slight against her abilities. She told me off quickly enough, and proceeded to show me, in no uncertain terms, how capable she actually was.
She was in her element...and she just SHONE!
I was impressed. I was more than impressed...I was in awe! I was proud as hell of the woman on my arm.
Needless to say, I wasn't the only one whose eye she caught. She turned heads everywhere she went, and I could see the men she spoke with were quite taken with her. The little tinge of jealousy danced around my head throughout the evening, but I didn't let it take over. I merely stood proud beside her, my posture shouting loud and clear "back off, she's taken!"
Amusingly enough, it was she who succumbed to 'the green eyed monster' that night.
I'm going to let you in on a little secret...women can't resist and man in dress uniform. It's true! Just put on you blues and wait, they come in droves like flies to honey! Its one of the many perks that come with being a soldier!
Last night was no exception, and being the incurable flirt that I am I smiled the winning smile and used that irresistible Faireborn magnetism to the best of my abilities. It was all in good fun, of course...I was here to gather information after all, and what better way than to charm it out of the love struck young females in the vicinity.
"Who was that you were talking to?" She sidled up next to me at the bar where I was sipping a drink and talking to Duke.
"Who?"
"The girl...'la blonde' over there. The one with the legs..."
"Legs? I didn't notice..." Duke muttered into his glass while I tried to suppress a smile. Truth was, I was thinking she had nothing on Allie, but it was fun watching her get all riled up.
"Oh come on, I saw you two watching her walk away...you were practically salivating."
"Allie..." I growled, amused at the look on her face. It was one I recognized immediately as I get often get when I see her talking to another guy.
"Oh come on, look at that dress...one inch shorter and the world's her gynecologist!"
"ALlSON!" I exclaimed. Beside me, Hauser nearly choked on his scotch.
She merely harrumphed, grabbed the drink out of my hand and dragged me out onto the dance floor. I swear I saw her give the woman in question the evil eye as we passed.
Can you believe I was actually having a great time despite the wily, two-timing politicians that surrounded me? We ate, we mingled, we danced...I guess being with Allie, watching her work the room, brought out the best in me.
She always brings out the best in me...
I guess its time I finally got to the point. I'm still a bit stunned by the whole thing and I doubt I can do the scene justice on these pages. I am shaken...yes...but elated as well.
I did it.
I finally did it.
I told Alison that I loved her.
Its not as if I exclaimed it at the top of my lungs right there in front of the President and First Lady. To tell you the truth, it kind of slipped out by accident, and before I could backpedal and quickly change the subject, Allie had me cornered.
I had better begin at the beginning.
I had been looking for Alison and was growing concerned. It wasn't like her to disappear without telling me, and given the company we were keeping that evening I couldn't help but imagine the worst. Granted, I was also a bit anxious over a conversation I had overheard between her and an old friend from her Vineyard days.
I didn't catch the whole thing, but the woman...Melanie was her name... mentioned something about Alison coming back into the fold...that the game had gone on long enough and they never meant for her to take it so seriously.
Something about wasting her life playing soldier.
I know I know...I shouldn't have been eavesdropping. I couldn't help it! I heard Allie giggling...(GIGGLING...can you believe it...it was really kind of cute) ...and was curious as to what was making her so happy.
It was then that it started...the weird movie hallucinations that I mentioned earlier. As I listened to them speak, the scene before me blurred and shifted and suddenly I found myself standing in a palace hall watching Audrey Hepburn walk away from me in full regalia. I blinked hard, trying to clear my vision...but by the time I came back to reality Allie was gone.
Swearing off alcohol for the night, I began to look for her...delayed at every turn by Hawk, who kept pulling me aside to introduce some politician or General. I am sure my relief was palatable when I managed to politely extricate myself and continue my search, even more so when I finally found her.
She was just outside in the presidential gardens, standing alone looking up at the moon. She didn't notice when I stepped out onto the patio, so intent was she on her thoughts. In the background, the band had just come back on and the sound of Henry Mancini was wafting out through the large French doors behind her.
I stood frozen as I watched her...lost in her beauty...unwilling to break the spell. I remained hidden for a while, trying to etch this glorious image of her into my mind, when out of the blue I heard Gregory Peck's voice in my mind, sorrowful and pained...
"...and that will be the end of the fairytale."
I shook my head in an attempt to quiet the sound, wondering yet again what they had put in my drink when I remembered the conversation I had overheard. The familiar hurt began to rise again in my gut.
I went to confront her, but when I saw her look back at me, her eyes tinged with sadness, saw her shiver and pull the wrap around her shoulder, saw her turn back to watch the moon and stars, my anger faded to nothing. All I could do was gently place my hand on her shoulder and kiss the top of her head.
"Alison, honey, what's wrong?"
With that simple gesture, with those simple words...the floodgates opened.
She swung around and in what seemed to be a single breath...told me everything. That she joined the army on a dare, that her friends and she all thought it was going to be temporary. That she stayed in boot camp just to spite her mother and was absolutely terrible at it. She told me she felt like she didn't belong, that she was just playing soldier and Hawk knew it, that her friends and family thought she had lost it...that the other Joes were going to hate her when they found out...that I probably hated her.
She told me she missed her old life...that there are days when she was so tired of the fighting she just wanted to walk away and go home but she didn't know where she belonged anymore...that she didn't know who she was anymore.
That she was afraid she had somehow lost her way.
She took a deep breath and looked at the ground, unable to meet my eye. I was completely stunned...I can't remember the last time she opened up to me like that. Although a bit irked about the dare thing...I have to admit I found it more funny than irritating. Christ...she left everything on a DARE! If that isn't a typical, stubborn, hard headed, competitive 'Jaye' reaction I don't know what is!
But mostly, I was...happy? No, not the right word...more like honored she had let me in. That she trusted me, felt enough for me to tell me the truth.
Of course, when I tried to express this verbally it came out all wrong.
The effect was immediate...her head whipped up as her eyes met mine...full of fire and hurt as she snapped something about my not having to worry...that she wouldn't burden me with her personal melodramas ever again.
Last night though, I was on the ball for once in my life. I grabbed her arms and swung her around to face me, shaking my head in frustration.
"I meant that I like it when you do. It makes me feel like I really mean something to you. That you trust me..."
Her eyes softened and I felt her body relax.
She began to tease me, and although I laughed my mind was elsewhere. For it was at that moment that I finally realized what she telling me...at least my interpretation of what she had just said. She wanted to go home. Not home with me, to our home with the Joes...but home to her old life.
A place where I couldn't follow...a place where I didn't belong.
As these thoughts assailed me my vision began to blur again, and when it cleared Jaye was no longer in front of me. In her place was Audrey Hepburn, speaking to me in a soft, sad voice.
"I have to leave you now. I'm going to that corner there and will turn. You just stay in the car and drive away. Promise not to watch me go beyond the corner. Just drive away and leave me as I leave you." She closed her eyes and continued. " I don't know how to say goodbye. I can't think of any words."
"Don't try." I answered, bending to kiss her. I felt a tremendous sensation of loss. It was like I was being ripped in two.
"Don't try what, Dash?" Alison's voice brought me back to the reality, back to the moment. She was looking at me oddly, and it was then that I realized I had said the words aloud.
I closed my eyes. Christ...it was all so clear! What was I thinking? I had to let her go. It was going to kill me but she deserved this life. She deserved to be a 'princess', she was born to be a 'princess'...I loved her too much to hold her back.
I loved her enough to want to put her happiness before my own.
"Dare or no, you should be proud of what you have accomplished. You made the GIJOE team...you are the best of the best. Don't let anyone tell you that it is meaningless. Don't ever think that don't belong. But tonight..." I paused, collecting myself...praying that I could keep it together.
"Tonight?" she prodded me to continue. I brushed my hand across her cheek and smiled sadly.
"Tonight I saw the most beautiful woman I have ever met bring several of the most powerful men in the country to their knees with a glance and a well placed word." I couldn't take it anymore and looked down before continuing, "Your friend is right...you are right...you DO belong here, Alison."
"Dashiell..."
"I guess in the back of my mind I always knew you were out of my league." I laughed softly, sadly "That one day, when all of this is over...when the Joes disband...that you would go back to your old life."
"Do you think so little of me, Dashiell. After all we have gone through..." I heard her voice catch as she turned away from me. It broke my heart.
"No...Alison. I think the world of you." I leaned over, whispering in her ear. "I think so little of myself."
She turned around sharply and looked at me in shock and surprise, and I couldn't help but laugh.
"Yeah...the secrets out eh? But then again...I think you more than anyone knew that all along. I am such a jerk sometimes, it's a wonder that you put up with me."
"I ask myself the same question...I never know from one minute to the next what's going to come out of that mouth of yours." She smiled up at me; her eyes alight.
"Never a dull moment. I guess you bring out the worst in me...and the best as well. You always saw through me...even when I was acting like a fool. You stood by me despite the fact that I have done nothing to deserve it..."
I paused then, trying to find the words to express how I felt...trying to find a way to say goodbye. Then...before I could stop myself, a quote came to my head and out of my mouth at breakneck speed.
"...and I think 'I love you the more in that I believe you have liked me for my own sake and for nothing else'."
She froze at the words, her eyes growing wide.
"What did you just say?" she whispered as I backed up, trying desperately to get things back on track.
"You heard me..." I looked away, trying to regain control of the situation. Think Faireborn...think!
"Come on Jaye...its not like you didn't know..." Oh...good one...Oxford was certainly worth every penny. Idiot!
"I didn't. Love has no place in the military...remember? Keep it light...remember?"
"Well, I lied. Happy?" I growled. My sadness was rapidly transforming itself into anger, the usual defense when I am hurting...and I was about to experience more pain than a soul could possibly imagine. It had to be done...I loved her too much. I had to let her go.
"It means nothing anyhow...this is where you belong."
That did it. I saw Alison's eyes narrow and could feel the waves of anger emanating from her body. She was pissed...and I was directly in the line of fire.
"Who are you to tell me where I belong?" she snarled, "All my life I have had people telling me what to do, how to think, where I should be...I will make my own choices thank you very much. And where I belong is with you, you stubborn fool."
I opened my mouth to protest but she was too wound up. She plowed right over me...
"You are what I want. You are all I have ever wanted...the power, the money, and the influence...I walked away from it years ago. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss it...that I sometimes wonder where my life would be now if I had just walked out of that coffee shop and told Jules to shove it. But the minute I do, I remember that had I not taken up his challenge...had I not accepted the dare...I would have missed out on some of the most fulfilling and wonderful experiences of my life...that I would never have met you. "
She stopped then, and both of us stood in quiet astonishment at what was happening...at what was being said. I remember thinking to myself 'oh god, she loves me...she wants to be with ME!' My heart was singing but, like a fool, still I didn't believe...still I had my doubts. Audrey's movie voice kept echoing through my head.
"At midnight I'll turn into a pumpkin and drive away in my glass slipper..."
"What you said before..." Allie's voice broke through the haze that was forming around me...soft as if from a great distance...drawing me back...calling me home.
"I meant it. " I sighed, "You?"
"Yes..."
"You have to know it would never work."
"How do you know that, Dashiell?" she asked calmly, locking her eyes with mine, "How can you say that knowing all we have been through? All the happiness and the hurt, all the ups and downs...through all the difficulty of maintaining a relationship in the military...on the JOE TEAM...we have stuck by each other. Do those five years mean nothing?"
"They mean everything. More than you could possibly imagine..." I sighed, memories coming back now...bad ones... "...but I know what happens next..."
Then she said it...the one thing she knew would get a reaction.
"I'm not Karen."
I felt the familiar anger rise at the sound of her name, and from the look on Alison's face I knew that my expression had taken a turn for the worse. Amazingly though, for the first time since...well, since forever...I was able to control it. I was able to draw it up and out without exploding. Instead of throwing me into a fit of rage, it began to disperse and I could feel myself growing calmer.
And as it dissipated, I realized that Alison was right. All this insecurity had nothing to do with her and her past...her money and family. As usual, in those moments when I realize how much I love her, like tonight...the insecurities from MY past rise up to block me. They seem to be getting increasingly creative too...Roman Holiday...Christ, where did that come from?
In any case, Allie is right. She IS NOT Karen. I couldn't even begin to compare the two. I loved Karen, but what I felt for her was nothing against what I experience when I am around Allie. The intensity, the need, the contentment and happiness...the passion and love...
...Truth is, it terrifies me.
"Me too."
I looked up at the sound of her voice, not realizing I had said all this out loud. We stood staring at each other for a moment, unsure of what to say. So much had been laid out on the table tonight...so much that should have been said long ago...that neither of us was quite sure how to proceed.
You will be happy to know that it was I who broke the silence. It was time...and you know what? I was ready. I knew what I wanted and it was she. Money be damned, family be damned, military regs be damned...Karen could go to hell for all I cared. I was never a quitter. I was never a coward.
I'll be damned if I was going to give up now!
I smiled and brought my hand up to cup touch her cheek, giving her some quiet reassurance...seeking reassurance in turn.
"This isn't going to be easy..." I whispered.
"When has our relationship ever been that? Three has always been a crowd."
"Three?" I froze, wondering who the hell she was talking about. Who it was I was going to have to kill.
"You, me...and your ego." She smiled, her eyes bright. I couldn't help but laugh in amusement and pure, unadulterated joy. She loved me...she really did!
"God...Allie...I love you."
"I love you too."
So here I lie in the hotel king sized, her sleeping form nestled beside me, writing these words down...these feelings down so that I will never forget them. Not that I ever will...the events of last night will remain in my thoughts for the rest of my life.
I should be sleeping, god knows I am exhausted...but I am too happy, too excited to relax. I am a little nervous too. I wasn't kidding when I told Alison it wasn't going to be easy. There are things on the horizon that will put our relationship to the test, things that I sense coming but cannot yet make out.
But that's life, isn't it? Every day is a challenge in its own way.
We will face it together, though. We have always been a great team and now we are stronger than we have ever been. Who would have known three simple words could make such a difference?
I love her. She loves me.
In the end...when all is said and done...knowing that gives us the strength to conquer anything.
"At midnight I'll turn into a pumpkin and drive away in my glass slipper...and that will be the end of the fairytale..."
Surprisingly enough, those lines are not from a novel or any Oxford text, but come from a dialogue between Gregory Peck and Audrey Hepburn in 'Roman Holiday'.
The film in question is a bittersweet romantic-comedy, a Cinderella tale in reverse. A runaway princess played by Hepburn rebels against her royal obligations, escaping the insulated confines of her royal prison. Once on the outside she finds a 'Prince Charming' commoner - Peck, an American reporter sent to cover the royal tour in Rome - and spends a day or two with him enjoying her freedom.
It's not the entire movie that keeps replaying in my mind, truth be told I saw it so long ago I am surprised I remember any of it clearly. I am not a big film buff, not like Allie who has seen pretty much all the classics several times and knows them by heart. Regardless, one scene in particular...the last one...came back to me as plain as day.
The princess is giving a final goodbye, and as she slowly turns toward the audience of reporters who have gathered to interview her, she gives them a smile and catches Peck's eye...holding a tearjerker of a gaze before departing with her retinue. As the rest of the press leaves, Peck continues to stare at the door through which she left, knowing full well he will never see her again.
With echoing footsteps, he slowly leaves the room - the camera following as he walks through the sepulchral hall of some vast Roman palazzo. Turning one last time as he reaches the door, he looks back, his eyes full of loss, melancholy, love...expressing without words the bitter sweet feeling of love found fleetingly then lost irretrievably.
The journalist had just surrendered the love of his life, leaving the young woman to her calling...being a princess.
The whole thing is pure fantasy, an unlikely story that could only happen in a Hollywood script. Reality has no place in it...and yet at the very end it hits with full and brutal force. No happy ending here...
You are probably scratching your head, wondering what it is I am going on about...what any of this has to do with my life as written in these journals. I guess the only way I can put it is that last night at the White House, I found myself staring at a princess and, like Gregory Peck, I was very much the love-struck commoner, fearing that any moment she would walk through those gilded doors back to the palace and out of my life forever.
Lady Jaye...Lady Allison Hart Burnett...is hardly a royal, although she is a member of the British upper class...her Burnett ancestry tracing directly back to some well-to-do noble family. She is also from a world entirely different from my own. A world of privilege and power...of money and influence...and all the other perks that come from growing up a rich society girl.
She is a Hart.
I haven't touched on this side of her life. I try to be ambivalent...telling myself that it doesn't really matter anymore. I tend to forget her background, an easy thing to do when she is slogging through a bog or jumping out of an airplane beside you...when you are fighting alongside her day in and day out. Money doesn't ever enter the picture. We are Joes...we are taken care of...room, board...everything is provided. The salary is good and we really don't have much time to spend it anyhow.
Truth is she has money.
A lot of it.
She had even more before her family cut her off when she joined the army. She never talks about it but I am sure, regardless of the disinheritance, what remains is certainly more than any soldier could possibly accumulate in a lifetime!
Does it bother me?
Sometimes it does. I make a good living, and I have a bright future with the forces. My parents raised four boys on a military salary, and though admittedly there were times when things were tight...when I couldn't get what I wanted or when I had to stay behind when all my friends were off vacationing at some cottage on the lake...I had a good life.
The fact remains, however, that I can never give her what she is used to. I feel sometimes that I should just let her go, that I am keeping her from the good life...the country clubs and yachts, the summer homes and horses, the Vineyard estates and the English manors.
I feel that I am holding her back from realizing some vast untapped potential, a potential that shone so very clearly at the Washington gala we attended together.
I couldn't believe my eyes when I glimpsed her emerging from the Rolls Royce limousine, stepping out onto the red carpet. Alison is a beautiful woman, even in her cammies...an ensemble that hardly accentuates the female form. Of course, I have seen her in the buff and KNOW she has a lovely figure...but when I saw her last night in the long black dress, diamonds around her neck, hair done and eyes alight...I was dumbstruck.
She was exquisite!
It wasn't just how she had put herself together, it was the way she walked...her poise, her grace, her assured and confident bearing...a princess in every sense of the word. Even Hawk and Duke stood in awe, shocked and pleased by the 'Lady' who just the other day had been lugging around the base in combat boots and a baseball hat.
It was incredible.
So stunned was I by her beauty, by this glorious woman I had known for so many years who now stood before me a virtual stranger, that for the first time in my life I was at a loss for words. I could hardly even say her name!
She merely looked at me affectionately, amusement dancing in her eyes...I was in such a state I don't remember what she said...before setting off towards the ballroom with me following at her heels like a puppy.
In fact, I think I would have remained a babbling idiot for the rest of the evening had I not been reminded that we were on a mission...and a dangerous one at that. For there, in the hall in their dress best, medals and ribbons gleaming on their chests, were the men known collectively as the Jugglers.
Hawk is a shrewd man. He plays politics almost as well as he moves his men on the battlefield. Like a slow and deliberate game of chess, he shifts his pieces expertly in an attempt to place his opponent in check. This time however, sitting on the other side of the checkered board was not COBRA...who play erratically at the best of times...but the most powerful men in the Pentagon, all of them masters of the game...
...And because of this, the piece he chose to put into play was Lady Jaye...the 'Queen'.
The most dominant piece on the board, in chess the Queen combines the power of the Rook and the Bishop, moving in any direction with ease and purpose. Intelligent and deadly, Alison is as much at home in these political and social circles as she is on the battlefield...maybe more so.
It was a cunning move on the General's part, using her name to shake up the inner circle...using her skills to glean what information she could off these Washington players.
Problem is, in chess every move you make has a consequence. If you are skilled enough, lucky enough...you win. If not, you risk loosing your piece and being placed in check yourself.
But this isn't a game. The Jugglers are dangerous men and the piece he has played happens to be the woman I love. If he loses she won't merely be put aside to be played again another day.
These men are more treacherous than even COBRA.
Not surprisingly, Alison was less than amused by my worries...interpreting my concern as a slight against her abilities. She told me off quickly enough, and proceeded to show me, in no uncertain terms, how capable she actually was.
She was in her element...and she just SHONE!
I was impressed. I was more than impressed...I was in awe! I was proud as hell of the woman on my arm.
Needless to say, I wasn't the only one whose eye she caught. She turned heads everywhere she went, and I could see the men she spoke with were quite taken with her. The little tinge of jealousy danced around my head throughout the evening, but I didn't let it take over. I merely stood proud beside her, my posture shouting loud and clear "back off, she's taken!"
Amusingly enough, it was she who succumbed to 'the green eyed monster' that night.
I'm going to let you in on a little secret...women can't resist and man in dress uniform. It's true! Just put on you blues and wait, they come in droves like flies to honey! Its one of the many perks that come with being a soldier!
Last night was no exception, and being the incurable flirt that I am I smiled the winning smile and used that irresistible Faireborn magnetism to the best of my abilities. It was all in good fun, of course...I was here to gather information after all, and what better way than to charm it out of the love struck young females in the vicinity.
"Who was that you were talking to?" She sidled up next to me at the bar where I was sipping a drink and talking to Duke.
"Who?"
"The girl...'la blonde' over there. The one with the legs..."
"Legs? I didn't notice..." Duke muttered into his glass while I tried to suppress a smile. Truth was, I was thinking she had nothing on Allie, but it was fun watching her get all riled up.
"Oh come on, I saw you two watching her walk away...you were practically salivating."
"Allie..." I growled, amused at the look on her face. It was one I recognized immediately as I get often get when I see her talking to another guy.
"Oh come on, look at that dress...one inch shorter and the world's her gynecologist!"
"ALlSON!" I exclaimed. Beside me, Hauser nearly choked on his scotch.
She merely harrumphed, grabbed the drink out of my hand and dragged me out onto the dance floor. I swear I saw her give the woman in question the evil eye as we passed.
Can you believe I was actually having a great time despite the wily, two-timing politicians that surrounded me? We ate, we mingled, we danced...I guess being with Allie, watching her work the room, brought out the best in me.
She always brings out the best in me...
I guess its time I finally got to the point. I'm still a bit stunned by the whole thing and I doubt I can do the scene justice on these pages. I am shaken...yes...but elated as well.
I did it.
I finally did it.
I told Alison that I loved her.
Its not as if I exclaimed it at the top of my lungs right there in front of the President and First Lady. To tell you the truth, it kind of slipped out by accident, and before I could backpedal and quickly change the subject, Allie had me cornered.
I had better begin at the beginning.
I had been looking for Alison and was growing concerned. It wasn't like her to disappear without telling me, and given the company we were keeping that evening I couldn't help but imagine the worst. Granted, I was also a bit anxious over a conversation I had overheard between her and an old friend from her Vineyard days.
I didn't catch the whole thing, but the woman...Melanie was her name... mentioned something about Alison coming back into the fold...that the game had gone on long enough and they never meant for her to take it so seriously.
Something about wasting her life playing soldier.
I know I know...I shouldn't have been eavesdropping. I couldn't help it! I heard Allie giggling...(GIGGLING...can you believe it...it was really kind of cute) ...and was curious as to what was making her so happy.
It was then that it started...the weird movie hallucinations that I mentioned earlier. As I listened to them speak, the scene before me blurred and shifted and suddenly I found myself standing in a palace hall watching Audrey Hepburn walk away from me in full regalia. I blinked hard, trying to clear my vision...but by the time I came back to reality Allie was gone.
Swearing off alcohol for the night, I began to look for her...delayed at every turn by Hawk, who kept pulling me aside to introduce some politician or General. I am sure my relief was palatable when I managed to politely extricate myself and continue my search, even more so when I finally found her.
She was just outside in the presidential gardens, standing alone looking up at the moon. She didn't notice when I stepped out onto the patio, so intent was she on her thoughts. In the background, the band had just come back on and the sound of Henry Mancini was wafting out through the large French doors behind her.
I stood frozen as I watched her...lost in her beauty...unwilling to break the spell. I remained hidden for a while, trying to etch this glorious image of her into my mind, when out of the blue I heard Gregory Peck's voice in my mind, sorrowful and pained...
"...and that will be the end of the fairytale."
I shook my head in an attempt to quiet the sound, wondering yet again what they had put in my drink when I remembered the conversation I had overheard. The familiar hurt began to rise again in my gut.
I went to confront her, but when I saw her look back at me, her eyes tinged with sadness, saw her shiver and pull the wrap around her shoulder, saw her turn back to watch the moon and stars, my anger faded to nothing. All I could do was gently place my hand on her shoulder and kiss the top of her head.
"Alison, honey, what's wrong?"
With that simple gesture, with those simple words...the floodgates opened.
She swung around and in what seemed to be a single breath...told me everything. That she joined the army on a dare, that her friends and she all thought it was going to be temporary. That she stayed in boot camp just to spite her mother and was absolutely terrible at it. She told me she felt like she didn't belong, that she was just playing soldier and Hawk knew it, that her friends and family thought she had lost it...that the other Joes were going to hate her when they found out...that I probably hated her.
She told me she missed her old life...that there are days when she was so tired of the fighting she just wanted to walk away and go home but she didn't know where she belonged anymore...that she didn't know who she was anymore.
That she was afraid she had somehow lost her way.
She took a deep breath and looked at the ground, unable to meet my eye. I was completely stunned...I can't remember the last time she opened up to me like that. Although a bit irked about the dare thing...I have to admit I found it more funny than irritating. Christ...she left everything on a DARE! If that isn't a typical, stubborn, hard headed, competitive 'Jaye' reaction I don't know what is!
But mostly, I was...happy? No, not the right word...more like honored she had let me in. That she trusted me, felt enough for me to tell me the truth.
Of course, when I tried to express this verbally it came out all wrong.
The effect was immediate...her head whipped up as her eyes met mine...full of fire and hurt as she snapped something about my not having to worry...that she wouldn't burden me with her personal melodramas ever again.
Last night though, I was on the ball for once in my life. I grabbed her arms and swung her around to face me, shaking my head in frustration.
"I meant that I like it when you do. It makes me feel like I really mean something to you. That you trust me..."
Her eyes softened and I felt her body relax.
She began to tease me, and although I laughed my mind was elsewhere. For it was at that moment that I finally realized what she telling me...at least my interpretation of what she had just said. She wanted to go home. Not home with me, to our home with the Joes...but home to her old life.
A place where I couldn't follow...a place where I didn't belong.
As these thoughts assailed me my vision began to blur again, and when it cleared Jaye was no longer in front of me. In her place was Audrey Hepburn, speaking to me in a soft, sad voice.
"I have to leave you now. I'm going to that corner there and will turn. You just stay in the car and drive away. Promise not to watch me go beyond the corner. Just drive away and leave me as I leave you." She closed her eyes and continued. " I don't know how to say goodbye. I can't think of any words."
"Don't try." I answered, bending to kiss her. I felt a tremendous sensation of loss. It was like I was being ripped in two.
"Don't try what, Dash?" Alison's voice brought me back to the reality, back to the moment. She was looking at me oddly, and it was then that I realized I had said the words aloud.
I closed my eyes. Christ...it was all so clear! What was I thinking? I had to let her go. It was going to kill me but she deserved this life. She deserved to be a 'princess', she was born to be a 'princess'...I loved her too much to hold her back.
I loved her enough to want to put her happiness before my own.
"Dare or no, you should be proud of what you have accomplished. You made the GIJOE team...you are the best of the best. Don't let anyone tell you that it is meaningless. Don't ever think that don't belong. But tonight..." I paused, collecting myself...praying that I could keep it together.
"Tonight?" she prodded me to continue. I brushed my hand across her cheek and smiled sadly.
"Tonight I saw the most beautiful woman I have ever met bring several of the most powerful men in the country to their knees with a glance and a well placed word." I couldn't take it anymore and looked down before continuing, "Your friend is right...you are right...you DO belong here, Alison."
"Dashiell..."
"I guess in the back of my mind I always knew you were out of my league." I laughed softly, sadly "That one day, when all of this is over...when the Joes disband...that you would go back to your old life."
"Do you think so little of me, Dashiell. After all we have gone through..." I heard her voice catch as she turned away from me. It broke my heart.
"No...Alison. I think the world of you." I leaned over, whispering in her ear. "I think so little of myself."
She turned around sharply and looked at me in shock and surprise, and I couldn't help but laugh.
"Yeah...the secrets out eh? But then again...I think you more than anyone knew that all along. I am such a jerk sometimes, it's a wonder that you put up with me."
"I ask myself the same question...I never know from one minute to the next what's going to come out of that mouth of yours." She smiled up at me; her eyes alight.
"Never a dull moment. I guess you bring out the worst in me...and the best as well. You always saw through me...even when I was acting like a fool. You stood by me despite the fact that I have done nothing to deserve it..."
I paused then, trying to find the words to express how I felt...trying to find a way to say goodbye. Then...before I could stop myself, a quote came to my head and out of my mouth at breakneck speed.
"...and I think 'I love you the more in that I believe you have liked me for my own sake and for nothing else'."
She froze at the words, her eyes growing wide.
"What did you just say?" she whispered as I backed up, trying desperately to get things back on track.
"You heard me..." I looked away, trying to regain control of the situation. Think Faireborn...think!
"Come on Jaye...its not like you didn't know..." Oh...good one...Oxford was certainly worth every penny. Idiot!
"I didn't. Love has no place in the military...remember? Keep it light...remember?"
"Well, I lied. Happy?" I growled. My sadness was rapidly transforming itself into anger, the usual defense when I am hurting...and I was about to experience more pain than a soul could possibly imagine. It had to be done...I loved her too much. I had to let her go.
"It means nothing anyhow...this is where you belong."
That did it. I saw Alison's eyes narrow and could feel the waves of anger emanating from her body. She was pissed...and I was directly in the line of fire.
"Who are you to tell me where I belong?" she snarled, "All my life I have had people telling me what to do, how to think, where I should be...I will make my own choices thank you very much. And where I belong is with you, you stubborn fool."
I opened my mouth to protest but she was too wound up. She plowed right over me...
"You are what I want. You are all I have ever wanted...the power, the money, and the influence...I walked away from it years ago. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss it...that I sometimes wonder where my life would be now if I had just walked out of that coffee shop and told Jules to shove it. But the minute I do, I remember that had I not taken up his challenge...had I not accepted the dare...I would have missed out on some of the most fulfilling and wonderful experiences of my life...that I would never have met you. "
She stopped then, and both of us stood in quiet astonishment at what was happening...at what was being said. I remember thinking to myself 'oh god, she loves me...she wants to be with ME!' My heart was singing but, like a fool, still I didn't believe...still I had my doubts. Audrey's movie voice kept echoing through my head.
"At midnight I'll turn into a pumpkin and drive away in my glass slipper..."
"What you said before..." Allie's voice broke through the haze that was forming around me...soft as if from a great distance...drawing me back...calling me home.
"I meant it. " I sighed, "You?"
"Yes..."
"You have to know it would never work."
"How do you know that, Dashiell?" she asked calmly, locking her eyes with mine, "How can you say that knowing all we have been through? All the happiness and the hurt, all the ups and downs...through all the difficulty of maintaining a relationship in the military...on the JOE TEAM...we have stuck by each other. Do those five years mean nothing?"
"They mean everything. More than you could possibly imagine..." I sighed, memories coming back now...bad ones... "...but I know what happens next..."
Then she said it...the one thing she knew would get a reaction.
"I'm not Karen."
I felt the familiar anger rise at the sound of her name, and from the look on Alison's face I knew that my expression had taken a turn for the worse. Amazingly though, for the first time since...well, since forever...I was able to control it. I was able to draw it up and out without exploding. Instead of throwing me into a fit of rage, it began to disperse and I could feel myself growing calmer.
And as it dissipated, I realized that Alison was right. All this insecurity had nothing to do with her and her past...her money and family. As usual, in those moments when I realize how much I love her, like tonight...the insecurities from MY past rise up to block me. They seem to be getting increasingly creative too...Roman Holiday...Christ, where did that come from?
In any case, Allie is right. She IS NOT Karen. I couldn't even begin to compare the two. I loved Karen, but what I felt for her was nothing against what I experience when I am around Allie. The intensity, the need, the contentment and happiness...the passion and love...
...Truth is, it terrifies me.
"Me too."
I looked up at the sound of her voice, not realizing I had said all this out loud. We stood staring at each other for a moment, unsure of what to say. So much had been laid out on the table tonight...so much that should have been said long ago...that neither of us was quite sure how to proceed.
You will be happy to know that it was I who broke the silence. It was time...and you know what? I was ready. I knew what I wanted and it was she. Money be damned, family be damned, military regs be damned...Karen could go to hell for all I cared. I was never a quitter. I was never a coward.
I'll be damned if I was going to give up now!
I smiled and brought my hand up to cup touch her cheek, giving her some quiet reassurance...seeking reassurance in turn.
"This isn't going to be easy..." I whispered.
"When has our relationship ever been that? Three has always been a crowd."
"Three?" I froze, wondering who the hell she was talking about. Who it was I was going to have to kill.
"You, me...and your ego." She smiled, her eyes bright. I couldn't help but laugh in amusement and pure, unadulterated joy. She loved me...she really did!
"God...Allie...I love you."
"I love you too."
So here I lie in the hotel king sized, her sleeping form nestled beside me, writing these words down...these feelings down so that I will never forget them. Not that I ever will...the events of last night will remain in my thoughts for the rest of my life.
I should be sleeping, god knows I am exhausted...but I am too happy, too excited to relax. I am a little nervous too. I wasn't kidding when I told Alison it wasn't going to be easy. There are things on the horizon that will put our relationship to the test, things that I sense coming but cannot yet make out.
But that's life, isn't it? Every day is a challenge in its own way.
We will face it together, though. We have always been a great team and now we are stronger than we have ever been. Who would have known three simple words could make such a difference?
I love her. She loves me.
In the end...when all is said and done...knowing that gives us the strength to conquer anything.