"The Lord and I"
A true story by Old Tom
Young Tom was an amazingly handsome man. Unfortunately, he was always too busy counting his millions of dollars to find a wife. He received numerous offers from supermodels, but he was in Africa feeding starving children out of his own pocket (they weren't actually eating out of his pocket, he was simply paying for the food from his own money, of which he had lots).
Anyway, after another love affair while in Vienna, Young Tom found that his former lover had left some personal items behind in his hotel suite. Along with the lock of hair and a grateful thankyou note, she had also left behind her three-volume publication of a fantasy novel titled 'The Lord Of The Rings'. Young Tom had read several books before, including 'Where's Wally Now?' and the user manual for his BMW. Although the books looked rather small when compared to say, a BMW, when he tried to pick one up he was overcome by its weight and dropped it back onto the bed.
He picked up the phone and summoned a porter, to help him get the three books downstairs. He was due in Berlin in three hours, to give a speech to the German Parliament. Young Tom warned the porter of the dangerously heavy novels.
'Carry them down to my BMW, but you may need another bellboy to help you. Carry one book at a time, lift from the knees and not the back, and if you are overcome with physical exhaustion, drop them on your own feet and not on the hotel's historical floors.'
Young Tom saw that the porter was a little bewildered, probably due to language differences, he thought.
The porter rudely ignored Young Tom's advice, and carried all three books under one arm, with his spare arm carrying Tom's suitcase. At this point I shall point out the point that Young Tom was not Young Tom's real name. His real name was Freddy Thomas, but when he had taught at Millimages State College, his students called him Young Tom, because he was young and his surname was Thomas. The only people who simply called him Tom were his various lovers around the world, and only his mother called him Freddy. His grandfather called him Gerald, but that was due to senile dementia.
Anyway, after his address to the German government, Young Tom was left with a spare hour before he was due to rendez-vous with Astrid, former resident of East Berlin. It is at this point that I should point out that this story is set in 1990, after the Berlin Wall had fallen but before the reunion of Germany. It had been Young Tom's idea to knock the Berlin Wall during his short stint as a double-agent spying on the KGB. Anyway, during his spare hour he went down to the Berlin Orphanage to read stories to starving children.
'Please, Young Tom, read us another story,' said one young street urchin.
'Yes, Young Tom, you are truly a living saint,' said another.
Young Tom had already read them all his memoirs and all the 'Where's Wally?' books he could find (Except 'Where's Wally? - The Wonder Book', which is really awful). What could he read them?
Then his mind drifted back to the three-volume monster that had been left in his bedroom. He slowly lifted the first volume, 'The Fallacy of the Ring', and placed its weight on the table. He began to read.
Although it was not as interactive as a 'Where's Wally?' nor as well written as his memoirs, Young Tom felt that J. K. Rowling was a promising writer, so much better than that Tolkien idiot who writes about wizard schools. The orphans were so entraced that they would not let Young Tom stop reading.
When he finally closed the cover on the third volume, forty-three hours later, the orphans were grateful to Young Tom and told him what a legend he is.
'Oh, Young Tom, you have the selflessness of Mother Teresa and the kindness of Hitler.'
'Yes, Young Tom, 'The Lord of The Rings' would have been bloody stupid if anyone but you had read it to us.'
Young Tom was delighted, and showed his gratitude to the children by smuggling them out of the Eastern Bloc and took them to Disneyworld, Florida. Little Fritz vomited on the teacup ride. Young Tom bought them all icecream and bribed the governor so that the orphans could start a new life in The Land of the Free.
Young Tom went back to his home country, Australia, to read parts one and three again (part two was stupid). And that was how Young Tom (me) first came across 'The Lord of The Rings'. Although I still prefer 'Star Wars' because the dialogue is much better.
A true story by Old Tom
Young Tom was an amazingly handsome man. Unfortunately, he was always too busy counting his millions of dollars to find a wife. He received numerous offers from supermodels, but he was in Africa feeding starving children out of his own pocket (they weren't actually eating out of his pocket, he was simply paying for the food from his own money, of which he had lots).
Anyway, after another love affair while in Vienna, Young Tom found that his former lover had left some personal items behind in his hotel suite. Along with the lock of hair and a grateful thankyou note, she had also left behind her three-volume publication of a fantasy novel titled 'The Lord Of The Rings'. Young Tom had read several books before, including 'Where's Wally Now?' and the user manual for his BMW. Although the books looked rather small when compared to say, a BMW, when he tried to pick one up he was overcome by its weight and dropped it back onto the bed.
He picked up the phone and summoned a porter, to help him get the three books downstairs. He was due in Berlin in three hours, to give a speech to the German Parliament. Young Tom warned the porter of the dangerously heavy novels.
'Carry them down to my BMW, but you may need another bellboy to help you. Carry one book at a time, lift from the knees and not the back, and if you are overcome with physical exhaustion, drop them on your own feet and not on the hotel's historical floors.'
Young Tom saw that the porter was a little bewildered, probably due to language differences, he thought.
The porter rudely ignored Young Tom's advice, and carried all three books under one arm, with his spare arm carrying Tom's suitcase. At this point I shall point out the point that Young Tom was not Young Tom's real name. His real name was Freddy Thomas, but when he had taught at Millimages State College, his students called him Young Tom, because he was young and his surname was Thomas. The only people who simply called him Tom were his various lovers around the world, and only his mother called him Freddy. His grandfather called him Gerald, but that was due to senile dementia.
Anyway, after his address to the German government, Young Tom was left with a spare hour before he was due to rendez-vous with Astrid, former resident of East Berlin. It is at this point that I should point out that this story is set in 1990, after the Berlin Wall had fallen but before the reunion of Germany. It had been Young Tom's idea to knock the Berlin Wall during his short stint as a double-agent spying on the KGB. Anyway, during his spare hour he went down to the Berlin Orphanage to read stories to starving children.
'Please, Young Tom, read us another story,' said one young street urchin.
'Yes, Young Tom, you are truly a living saint,' said another.
Young Tom had already read them all his memoirs and all the 'Where's Wally?' books he could find (Except 'Where's Wally? - The Wonder Book', which is really awful). What could he read them?
Then his mind drifted back to the three-volume monster that had been left in his bedroom. He slowly lifted the first volume, 'The Fallacy of the Ring', and placed its weight on the table. He began to read.
Although it was not as interactive as a 'Where's Wally?' nor as well written as his memoirs, Young Tom felt that J. K. Rowling was a promising writer, so much better than that Tolkien idiot who writes about wizard schools. The orphans were so entraced that they would not let Young Tom stop reading.
When he finally closed the cover on the third volume, forty-three hours later, the orphans were grateful to Young Tom and told him what a legend he is.
'Oh, Young Tom, you have the selflessness of Mother Teresa and the kindness of Hitler.'
'Yes, Young Tom, 'The Lord of The Rings' would have been bloody stupid if anyone but you had read it to us.'
Young Tom was delighted, and showed his gratitude to the children by smuggling them out of the Eastern Bloc and took them to Disneyworld, Florida. Little Fritz vomited on the teacup ride. Young Tom bought them all icecream and bribed the governor so that the orphans could start a new life in The Land of the Free.
Young Tom went back to his home country, Australia, to read parts one and three again (part two was stupid). And that was how Young Tom (me) first came across 'The Lord of The Rings'. Although I still prefer 'Star Wars' because the dialogue is much better.