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Monday afternoon.
Another, extremely boring, debriefing.
Me, Jess, Vaughn, and Weiss. Now
they're pretty sure that the surveillance teams were SD-6, and the frequency of
surveillance is dwindling. The really
great news it that I've gotten pretty good at knowing when I'm being followed.
The bad news is that I'm slowly losing my grip on my
feelings. I'm sitting next to Vaughn,
staring at Jess who is talking with Weiss in the far corner of the room. I don't know what it is that he wanted to
talk to her about, but they're speaking in hushed voices and she doesn't look
happy. She looks sad – sympathetic
towards Weiss. Something happened in
his personal life, I'm guessing. I've
never seen Jess get a look like that when talking about work.
I've been staying at her house for close to four weeks
now. Sunday nights have come to be
known as our "Evening of Truths".
That's the night that she humors my inquiry into her real life. Even though she agreed to it, it usually
isn't easy to get information out of her.
I've found that a bottle of red wine seems to make it easier for both of
us.
Last night, I finally got around to asking about the
tattoo on her back. We spent the entire
evening on the story behind that. When
I initially asked her about her ops, she had left Raven Song out. But last night, she shared that most awful
truth with me. She even broke down and
cried. She cried for 20 minutes
straight. I ended up with her in my
arms and her tears soaked into my shirt.
It was the least I could do since I could find no words to comfort
her. Suddenly my dentist appointment in
Taipei doesn't seem like such a big deal.
Having her in my arms like that felt wonderful. I hate myself for that – that I could derive
pleasure from her vulnerability. But it
was the first time that we had touched for reasons other than to protect our
cover. Occasionally we wake up in the
morning to find ourselves entwined, and once in awhile we do a partner yoga
workout. But last night was
different. A new kind of intimacy.
I've got to stop thinking like this! Not a moment goes by when I'm in her
presence that I don't want to reach out and touch her… hold her hand… brush her
auburn hair aside and kiss her elegant neck.
It's Sydney all over again. Except that I wasn't undercover and didn't have to treat Syd like
she was my girlfriend.
Initially, the dating cover was a lot of fun. Now it's just painful. I can kiss her, I can hold her, but it's all
a lie.
My thoughts turn to Vaughn. He has been quiet for an awful long time. I wonder if I would feel better if I shared
my feelings with him. I wonder if he
would have any words of advice. A
casual glance in his direction and I'm quite certain that Vaughn isn't one of
those guys that likes to share his feelings.
There are very few of us.
Vaughn is also staring towards Jess and Weiss. I return my eyes to them as well. "She's amazing," I say breaking the silence.
"Mmm-huh," he agrees without actually speaking.
I watch Weiss as he talks with her. "How has Weiss managed to know her all these
years and not be attracted to her? I
mean they even roomed together in college, didn't they?"
"Yeah, I think they rented an apartment together their
senior year," Vaughn confirmed.
"Amazing. I don't
know how he can keep his distance," I say.
I try to stop myself before I say it, but I can't. "I've only been with her for a month, and
I'm having a difficult time keeping my thoughts and feelings
professional." I try to make it sound
like a casual conversation – like it's something that has just now occurred to
me.
Vaughn glances at me.
I can't look at him… don't want to see the disappointed look on his
face. After more silence, this time
rather awkwardly I say, "So, here's where you give me the benefit of your years
in this game and tell me how I keep my mind on the op and not on the
girl." I still can't face him.
Was that a sigh from Vaughn? What, am I the first agent to ever have this problem? Finally, he looks at me again. "You're talking to the wrong guy, Will. I was never able to stop myself."
I think no farther than the surface of his words. "You mean you've fallen in love on an op?"
"No, I mean I fell in love with Jess."
His words hit me like a Mack truck. My heart has suddenly taken up residence in
my stomach. "What?" I exclaim as I jerk
my head away from Jess to look at him.
He looks me in the eyes.
"I fell for Jess," he says and then pauses briefly before adding, "I'm
still in love with her."
A million different thoughts race through my mind. I know the smartest thing would be for me to
keep my mouth shut. No, the smartest
thing for me to do would have been to not start this conversation at all. So much for my intelligence.
"Does Jess…?" I try to ask, but he interrupts me before I
can finish.
"Yes."
"And you two are…?"
I'm beginning to think I'm a masochist.
"Yes… at least we were before this op," Vaughn says.
My heart, still resting in the pit of my stomach threatens
to stop beating altogether. How could I
have made the same mistake twice? How
could I have fallen in love with a woman I can never have?
Anger.
Resentment. Despair. Humiliation. I cannot give words to all the feelings coursing through my body.
As calmly as I can, I ask, "What the hell were you
thinking, man?" Anger and resentment
hold the lion's share right now.
His response is non-defensive. "I was thinking she was the best officer for this op. I was thinking that she would be an
excellent mentor for you. I thought… I
thought I could handle this. I… I
thought…"
"You thought that when this op was over we'd all go our
separate ways and we'd all live happily ever after?" I ask, anger propelling my
words.
"Yeah, that's what I had hoped," he replies, his voice
full of remorse.
"Fat chance!" I reply.
He has no response.
Just a pathetic, sad look on his face.
He turns his eyes back towards Jess.
I feel the sudden need to get the hell out of the room… to
be away from Vaughn and Jess and Weiss.
As I storm past Jess, I hear Vaughn trying to call me back.
Leaving without Jess probably isn't the smartest thing
I've ever done, but in relation to other recent events, it also isn't the
stupidest thing I've ever done.