Title: Memories
Author: Reija Linn (T'Reija)
Email/Feedback: theganan@gmx.de or thiari@theganan.de
Archive: Azkaban's Lair, ff-net. Others please ask beforehand and leave the full header intact.
Originally posted: SBRL list
Pairing: Sirius/Remus
Rating: [PG]
Summary: A name appears on an old parchment, of a person long thought dead... Remus' PoV
Spoilers: Haven't read the books? Do so. Right away. Do not eat, sleep or pause until you're finished. Then come back.
Warnings: male/male sexuality and/or relationship(s) featured within. Don't like, don't read, don't flame. Simple really, though seemingly not simple enough for some dim witted clots out there.
Legal disclaimer: I never have, nor ever will, owned the rights to the setting of the Harry Potter books or the characters featured within. The use of said settings and characters by me is for non-commercial purposes only and does not mean to infringe upon the given legal rights that belong to Ms. J.K.Rowling and those she has associated them with.
MEMORIES
By T'Reija (September 2001)
Oh, I remember as if it were yesterday, the darkest day of my life.
The day I heard the news.
It was the day after a full moon, a particularly trying night.
Padfoot, not with me. The others, gone.
James and Peter hadn't been joining me during the full moon regularly since our school days had ended, but they always turned up if Sirius could for any reason not be with me at that time.
That night, I transformed alone. For the first time in years, I was alone with the beast, and I carried harsh wounds from it. I remember feeling hurt, deserted. It wasn't that I consciously blamed any of them, but the beast's emotions were still high in me.
Then I heard the news. The local judge called me.
Sirius, my lover, my soul mate, was facing court, charged with the murder of Peter Pettigrew and 12 muggles. Accused of conspiring with Lord Voldemort against Lily and James Potter, deceased. Found guilty.
The beast inside me howled in rage, and even with human fingernails the scratches on my already wounded chest cut deeply.
The human that is Remus Lupin cried in defeat. I *wanted* to give myself over to the beast, wanted to loose all human thought.
This could not be! Sirius, my Sirius, my gentle lover, my Star...
My lover, who had already once tried to kill somebody, back when we still went to school, though it had been covered up.
My lover, against whom all evidence spoke.
As soon as the judge called me again, to tell me Sirius had been brought to Azkaban, I threw clothes over my maltreated body, not even bothering to wash off the blood and sweat from the full moon's night, and apparated directly in front of the Azkaban grounds, at the shore of the island - the only place on the island you can apparate to. You cannot, of course, apparate off.
A wizard highly trained in controlling the Dementors accompanied me into the building.
Oh, I can still remember the feeling, the first time I'd come close to a Dementor. The coldness, creeping right through my bones, right into my soul and thoughts. The utter loneliness and loss I was feeling. The pain, all those times I transformed, the rejections I met, even from my own parents, the bite. And the worst feelings of all, hearing of James' death, of Peter's, of Lily's. The betrayal from the one I thought I loved.
And there he was.
Sirius.
He looked at me with empty eyes. I don't think he recognized me at first.
Then his eyes lit up, and he came forwards to meet me.
"Remus! I knew you would not believe them! I knew you would believe me..." He reached out to touch me, but I stepped back. Oh, I wanted to believe him, but after all the evidence I'd heard, I couldn't. He had been their Secret Keeper. If James and Lily were dead, there was only one person who could have betrayed them, and that was Sirius himself.
I could see Sirius eyes flare up in anger. "Remus, I am innocent! We swapped... Peter... Peter was their Secret Keeper, I couldn't tell you, I thought you were the spy... but it was Peter, all along... Remus, lover, you must believe me!"
I concentrated hard on beating down the rage, though the beast almost won the upper hand. Instead, I looked at him, he who had betrayed everything I had ever believed in, with coldness in my eyes, and when I spoke, my voice was made of ice.
"No, Sirius, you will not call me lover, ever again. You have lost the right. And don't you dare speak ill of Peter, whom *you* have killed. Rot in hell, Sirius Black!"
I turned to walk outside, and his voice followed me.
"Remus, I *am* innocent, and one day, I will be able to prove it to you! It was Peter, the little rat, keep my words in mind, PETER!!! Watch out for him, and if ever you find him, if ever you find evidence he's alive, you'll know I'm speaking the truth!"
His words followed me even as I left the building, even when I could no longer hear him, even as I climbed into the boat that had come to collect me.
I wanted to believe, but I could not.
Every friend I'd ever had was now gone.
James, brave, noble, mischievous James, who had always been a good friend.
Lily, whom I didn't know quite as well as James, but almost; Lily with her emerald green eyes, her bright smile, her insightfulness and intelligence. Lily, who had made sure that Sirius and I came together.
Peter, little Peter Pettigrew, who had never been much of a wizard, but had nevertheless taken the risk of the animagus transformation, for me. Peter, whom I'd tutored countless times. Peter, whose elderly mother now had no one left to care for her.
And Sirius, whose fault it was that the others were dead.
No, I could not find it in me to believe him.
***
*twelve years later*
Absentmindedly, I tap the map with my wand and speak the words. I know it will hurt, but I long to see our names appear on the parchment, long to remember the times before, the good times.
'Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs', it reads, and I have to bite back tears. Even after twelve years, it affects me.
I look at the places, remembering.
There, the secret passage into Hogsmeade. How often have we used it for a late night butterbeer at the three broomsticks?
Or here, a secret room on the seventh floor, right next to the painting of mad Sir Cadogan, where James and Sirius used to smoke cigarettes (I still remember their laughter when I almost choked at my first and only try). The room where Sirius and I used to meet, later, to be undisturbed.
And there. The most important of them all. The passage leading towards the Shrieking Shack, the one that starts below the Whomping Willow...
I sigh with the memory, but now is not the time for memories. I have to look out for Harry and his friends. I am quite sure they'll appear soon, sneaking out of the castle. How I know? Well, they remind me too much of us, when we went here to Hogwarts. Had we been in their place, friends of Hagrid's... well, we, too, wouldn't have hesitated.
***
*one hour later*
There... I knew it. Three dots, named 'Harry Potter', 'Ronald Weasley' and 'Hermione Granger', moving towards Hagrid's hut. Hagrid's hut is just slightly off the map, so I have to wait for them to appear again.
I'm drumming my fingers on the desk. I don't usually do that.
Well, I usually don't need to protect my as-good-as-nephew from my murderous-ex-lover.
Still, I get the feeling I've forgotten something, something crucial, something important... it will have to wait. The only important thing now is concentrating on Sirius Black. And on three dots on the Marauder's Map...
There, from the edge of the map, three points start moving towards the castle again... but... what's that? The dots all are close together, they're probably under James' old cloak together... but one of the tiny spots flickers, and then I see... it's not one, it's *two* dots, *four* in all...
And underneath one of them, in tiny, tiny letters, stands a familiar name.
'Peter Pettigrew'
This cannot be! The map must be malfunctioning! Peter has been dead for twelve years, now! Killed by...
Another tiny spot appears in their proximity, moving fast towards the small group... 'Sirius Black'... he has to be in his animal form, he's moving so fast... he collides with them... I have to help Harry!... but I stare at the name 'Peter Pettigrew', transfixed, as his dot and Ron's are pulled into the Whomping Willow... the old secret passage...
Sirius is strong as a dog, but there's no way he can pull two struggling humans away at once, his jaw wouldn't be enough for that task... and I know he hasn't transformed yet, the Marauder's map would have shown - the dots flicker if magic is being used.
So Peter has to be in his rat form... but why should the boy...
And suddenly, I remember.
//... Remus, I am innocent! We swapped... Peter... Peter was their Secret Keeper, I couldn't tell you, I thought you were the spy... but it was Peter, all along... Remus, lover, you must believe me!...//
//... Remus, I *am* innocent, and one day, I will be able to prove it to you! It was Peter, the little rat, keep my words in mind, PETER!!! Watch out for him, and if ever you find him, if ever you find evidence he's alive, you'll know I'm speaking the truth!...//
Then Sirius *is* innocent, always has been! And in great danger...
Hurriedly, I leave my office, to find Sirius, the only one I've ever loved, and the traitor, Peter, who stole twelve years from both our lives...
END
Author: Reija Linn (T'Reija)
Email/Feedback: theganan@gmx.de or thiari@theganan.de
Archive: Azkaban's Lair, ff-net. Others please ask beforehand and leave the full header intact.
Originally posted: SBRL list
Pairing: Sirius/Remus
Rating: [PG]
Summary: A name appears on an old parchment, of a person long thought dead... Remus' PoV
Spoilers: Haven't read the books? Do so. Right away. Do not eat, sleep or pause until you're finished. Then come back.
Warnings: male/male sexuality and/or relationship(s) featured within. Don't like, don't read, don't flame. Simple really, though seemingly not simple enough for some dim witted clots out there.
Legal disclaimer: I never have, nor ever will, owned the rights to the setting of the Harry Potter books or the characters featured within. The use of said settings and characters by me is for non-commercial purposes only and does not mean to infringe upon the given legal rights that belong to Ms. J.K.Rowling and those she has associated them with.
MEMORIES
By T'Reija (September 2001)
Oh, I remember as if it were yesterday, the darkest day of my life.
The day I heard the news.
It was the day after a full moon, a particularly trying night.
Padfoot, not with me. The others, gone.
James and Peter hadn't been joining me during the full moon regularly since our school days had ended, but they always turned up if Sirius could for any reason not be with me at that time.
That night, I transformed alone. For the first time in years, I was alone with the beast, and I carried harsh wounds from it. I remember feeling hurt, deserted. It wasn't that I consciously blamed any of them, but the beast's emotions were still high in me.
Then I heard the news. The local judge called me.
Sirius, my lover, my soul mate, was facing court, charged with the murder of Peter Pettigrew and 12 muggles. Accused of conspiring with Lord Voldemort against Lily and James Potter, deceased. Found guilty.
The beast inside me howled in rage, and even with human fingernails the scratches on my already wounded chest cut deeply.
The human that is Remus Lupin cried in defeat. I *wanted* to give myself over to the beast, wanted to loose all human thought.
This could not be! Sirius, my Sirius, my gentle lover, my Star...
My lover, who had already once tried to kill somebody, back when we still went to school, though it had been covered up.
My lover, against whom all evidence spoke.
As soon as the judge called me again, to tell me Sirius had been brought to Azkaban, I threw clothes over my maltreated body, not even bothering to wash off the blood and sweat from the full moon's night, and apparated directly in front of the Azkaban grounds, at the shore of the island - the only place on the island you can apparate to. You cannot, of course, apparate off.
A wizard highly trained in controlling the Dementors accompanied me into the building.
Oh, I can still remember the feeling, the first time I'd come close to a Dementor. The coldness, creeping right through my bones, right into my soul and thoughts. The utter loneliness and loss I was feeling. The pain, all those times I transformed, the rejections I met, even from my own parents, the bite. And the worst feelings of all, hearing of James' death, of Peter's, of Lily's. The betrayal from the one I thought I loved.
And there he was.
Sirius.
He looked at me with empty eyes. I don't think he recognized me at first.
Then his eyes lit up, and he came forwards to meet me.
"Remus! I knew you would not believe them! I knew you would believe me..." He reached out to touch me, but I stepped back. Oh, I wanted to believe him, but after all the evidence I'd heard, I couldn't. He had been their Secret Keeper. If James and Lily were dead, there was only one person who could have betrayed them, and that was Sirius himself.
I could see Sirius eyes flare up in anger. "Remus, I am innocent! We swapped... Peter... Peter was their Secret Keeper, I couldn't tell you, I thought you were the spy... but it was Peter, all along... Remus, lover, you must believe me!"
I concentrated hard on beating down the rage, though the beast almost won the upper hand. Instead, I looked at him, he who had betrayed everything I had ever believed in, with coldness in my eyes, and when I spoke, my voice was made of ice.
"No, Sirius, you will not call me lover, ever again. You have lost the right. And don't you dare speak ill of Peter, whom *you* have killed. Rot in hell, Sirius Black!"
I turned to walk outside, and his voice followed me.
"Remus, I *am* innocent, and one day, I will be able to prove it to you! It was Peter, the little rat, keep my words in mind, PETER!!! Watch out for him, and if ever you find him, if ever you find evidence he's alive, you'll know I'm speaking the truth!"
His words followed me even as I left the building, even when I could no longer hear him, even as I climbed into the boat that had come to collect me.
I wanted to believe, but I could not.
Every friend I'd ever had was now gone.
James, brave, noble, mischievous James, who had always been a good friend.
Lily, whom I didn't know quite as well as James, but almost; Lily with her emerald green eyes, her bright smile, her insightfulness and intelligence. Lily, who had made sure that Sirius and I came together.
Peter, little Peter Pettigrew, who had never been much of a wizard, but had nevertheless taken the risk of the animagus transformation, for me. Peter, whom I'd tutored countless times. Peter, whose elderly mother now had no one left to care for her.
And Sirius, whose fault it was that the others were dead.
No, I could not find it in me to believe him.
***
*twelve years later*
Absentmindedly, I tap the map with my wand and speak the words. I know it will hurt, but I long to see our names appear on the parchment, long to remember the times before, the good times.
'Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs', it reads, and I have to bite back tears. Even after twelve years, it affects me.
I look at the places, remembering.
There, the secret passage into Hogsmeade. How often have we used it for a late night butterbeer at the three broomsticks?
Or here, a secret room on the seventh floor, right next to the painting of mad Sir Cadogan, where James and Sirius used to smoke cigarettes (I still remember their laughter when I almost choked at my first and only try). The room where Sirius and I used to meet, later, to be undisturbed.
And there. The most important of them all. The passage leading towards the Shrieking Shack, the one that starts below the Whomping Willow...
I sigh with the memory, but now is not the time for memories. I have to look out for Harry and his friends. I am quite sure they'll appear soon, sneaking out of the castle. How I know? Well, they remind me too much of us, when we went here to Hogwarts. Had we been in their place, friends of Hagrid's... well, we, too, wouldn't have hesitated.
***
*one hour later*
There... I knew it. Three dots, named 'Harry Potter', 'Ronald Weasley' and 'Hermione Granger', moving towards Hagrid's hut. Hagrid's hut is just slightly off the map, so I have to wait for them to appear again.
I'm drumming my fingers on the desk. I don't usually do that.
Well, I usually don't need to protect my as-good-as-nephew from my murderous-ex-lover.
Still, I get the feeling I've forgotten something, something crucial, something important... it will have to wait. The only important thing now is concentrating on Sirius Black. And on three dots on the Marauder's Map...
There, from the edge of the map, three points start moving towards the castle again... but... what's that? The dots all are close together, they're probably under James' old cloak together... but one of the tiny spots flickers, and then I see... it's not one, it's *two* dots, *four* in all...
And underneath one of them, in tiny, tiny letters, stands a familiar name.
'Peter Pettigrew'
This cannot be! The map must be malfunctioning! Peter has been dead for twelve years, now! Killed by...
Another tiny spot appears in their proximity, moving fast towards the small group... 'Sirius Black'... he has to be in his animal form, he's moving so fast... he collides with them... I have to help Harry!... but I stare at the name 'Peter Pettigrew', transfixed, as his dot and Ron's are pulled into the Whomping Willow... the old secret passage...
Sirius is strong as a dog, but there's no way he can pull two struggling humans away at once, his jaw wouldn't be enough for that task... and I know he hasn't transformed yet, the Marauder's map would have shown - the dots flicker if magic is being used.
So Peter has to be in his rat form... but why should the boy...
And suddenly, I remember.
//... Remus, I am innocent! We swapped... Peter... Peter was their Secret Keeper, I couldn't tell you, I thought you were the spy... but it was Peter, all along... Remus, lover, you must believe me!...//
//... Remus, I *am* innocent, and one day, I will be able to prove it to you! It was Peter, the little rat, keep my words in mind, PETER!!! Watch out for him, and if ever you find him, if ever you find evidence he's alive, you'll know I'm speaking the truth!...//
Then Sirius *is* innocent, always has been! And in great danger...
Hurriedly, I leave my office, to find Sirius, the only one I've ever loved, and the traitor, Peter, who stole twelve years from both our lives...
END