April 20, Easter Sunday

I lied. I'm sitting in the loft, watching this "Easter-Bun" they got from… somewhere. I think Maureen's parents sent her some cookbook and she decided she "knew" how to use it? Anyway, they're playing a screwed-up version of Charades or something and I got nominated to watch the baking.

I really don't mind. I don't have the energy for that game anyway. I haven't been doing too well since I left Roger. I told Mark and he started some wannabe physiological babbling about implications of being alone and leaving love. Whatever. I finally got it out of him that he wants me to take Roger back. Apparently Roger's been really depressed (April-ish, even) and Mark's worrying about him. You know what? If Roger were depressed, I'd be glad, he deserves a little misery after the way he treated me. And after I went through withdrawal for him! But, I can tell Mark was lying to me. Roger's not depressed. I can see him standing there acting all buddy-buddy with Mark and Collins—throwing his arms around their shoulders, laughing and all that crap. I wouldn't be surprised if he started playing clubs again with all these songs about how "this chick cheated on him" and "how he's so much better off without her", then got a record contract. And two years later, had this "I bet you're sorry now, Mimi" moment on MTV. Well, I'm not sorry. I'll attend this little Easter Party, because I'm not going back home and this way I'll have an excuse. But there's no way I'll get (back) together with a man who's bad for me, just because Mark randomly wants me to.

I've spent far too much of my life with "bad" men. I shouldn't even need to mention James and Riley after all I've written about them. And then there was… well, dating your HIV-positive drug dealer is never particularly good. He wasn't even nice. Not like SoberRiley. Tommy just had drugs and charm. With the drugs, I don't even think he needed the charm. Although… It did help me get through all those "dates" he made me go on.

Alright, so I've become bitter since my last entry. I have a right to! I just realize—again—that I'm going to die alone. Who could ever want that? I don't. I can't die before I'm a quarter of a century old and alone to boot. If Roger isn't going to apologize and promise not to be such a jealous ass, I'll just have to find someone else. I know I can, Roger's told me a thousand times that I'm beautiful, not to mention all the other people that have. It sounds shallow and selfish, but, believe me, I don't want it that way. I know that Roger is my "The One". And I'd give anything to be with him… marry him… have babies with him… to spend our lives together. And for him to be the person I'm with when I die. But I know that'll never happen. A medical… logical reason… we both have AIDS, we can't have a baby. But, God, it's more that that… I can't just go back to him, he doesn't even know he did anything wrong. And, I'm sorry for sounding like a little kid, but it hurt me that he didn't trust me. I never gave him any reason not to. As amazing as it probably sounds, I never cheated on Roger. I loved… still do love him. And you don't do that to someone you love.

Yes, I was with Benny last October. Yes, I slept with him. At least he took care of me!! And, I know no one remembers, but Roger dumped me. He accused me of cheating and doing drugs, then told me he couldn't be with someone like "that". It's not surprising I ended up the way I did on Christmas Eve. I didn't do anything he accused me of until after he accused me. After all, what was the point of being the good girl I'm obviously not if even the man I loved didn't trust me to be good?

But… um… back to my original point… I haven't ever had a good man in my life. Or… I suppose that's not entirely true. The first three main ones in my life were bad… but the rest were just bad for me. I can't make myself call Roger a bad person. But still… for the longest time, the only "good man" I had in my life was Angel. And she didn't really count.

Well, they seem to have completed their little game and are coming back over here. I better put this away and get back to my ever important business of ignoring Roger.

LATER

AHHHHHHHH! I could kill Mark! I should have realized there was plotting at work here. Why else would Mark invite both of us to an Easter Party? He knows we haven't spoken in 3 weeks. He knew I wasn't planning on speaking to Roger.

So, what does he do? Well, Mark drags Maureen and Joanne into his room to get their apartment on some film thing. Alright, unusual. You'd normally think he'd bring someone more… logical, but maybe he's doing something involving Maureen's performances or something. And then Collins disappears into the bathroom. 5 minutes, 10 minutes… Nobody's coming back.

And… Oh my god, they left me alone with Roger! This is the pathetic re-matchmaking I was trying to avoid. God, it was so obvious, how did I fall into that? You have me, pretending to be engrossed with cleaning up from our "meal", and Roger, following me around. Finally, I think I had just put some glasses away, he grabs me, turns me around and kisses me hard. I'm pretty sure I slapped him… go Mimi! I mean… how dare he? He hadn't apologized, we hadn't talked for weeks, he had no right to just grab me. I thought he was better than that.

So, yeah… I slapped him then burst into tears. Memories and everything. Roger and I aren't together, he gave up any right to touch me. I think I reacted perfectly appropriately in the situation. I miss him, of course I do. You couldn't possibly think I didn't, not after reading the first entry today. I mean, I was a babbling sap. I couldn't admit it, though. That would show him how… how much I couldn't live without him. Can't live without him. But that gives Roger an advantage. I didn't even want him to see me cry… although it was a little late for that. I couldn't make myself stop. Roger has never been able to watch me cry, and I know it was just instinct, but he came close again and pulled me into his arms. I actually let him hold me for a bit and listened to him whisper—literally into my hair—until I got my senses back and realized what was happening. I played the coward. Pushed him away, stuttered about how I "needed to go home" and ran.

I don't think that's what Mark thought would happen when he put his little plan in motion.

I wonder if he's upset I ruined it? I… didn't mean to. I just… God, I want to get back together with Roger so much! If I have to die, I want to be with him, I want us to be together when I do! I know I love him, I know I want him, but I want him to apologize. I didn't want him to kiss me, I wanted him to promise me he loved me and trusted me and wouldn't treat me like that again. I wanted…

Mi Dios… I'm soaking this page. I didn't think when you cried and wrote, tears actually splattered on the page. Apparently, they do. I'm pathetic… I still haven't been able to stop crying. I should go, before I ruin this.

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Author's Note: Wow… I was going to have Mimi and Roger make up… then I got bored and decided not to? Lol, no, Mimi just has a mind of her own… and I'd love to see what your guys' minds have to say about this entry! Yaaaay reviews!

Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine… except for random references to those names you don't recognize. ;)

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