April 30

I've been putting off writing in this muchly… the whole point was to summarize my diaries (basically my life) and yet for a month, at least, I've just been babbling about my relationship with Roger. And in telling my story, I haven't even gotten up to Benny.

Roger and I are watching a video, he's really into it (lots of explosions and action and stuff—he promised me we could watch my choice next) so I'm completely free to write. I don't know if he even realizes I'm writing, but that's okay. I'm happy to be with him again. That's why I haven't been writing much lately… just been letting myself enjoy our relationship while it's good. (I'm sorry, Roger, I don't mean to be cynical.) Maybe things'll actually stay good this time. I would love that so much…

Benny. I'm sorry, I keep getting off track. I met Benny on my 18th birthday. Angel took me out to a bar/club to celebrate me using my real ID for the first time. Benny was there and I was actually clean for once. I was just so excited that it was my 18th birthday and I wanted to enjoy it for real.

Anyway, we got there and Angel was off dancing almost immediately, because, well, that's Angel. Normally I would have been too, but I think I was just so overwhelmed by the fact that I was 18. I was grown-up. All my life, I had dreamed of being grown-up and now I finally was. I didn't feel any different than I did when I was 17 years, 364 days and yet at the same time, everything seemed so different. I remember being totally immersed in my thoughts and wishing I was home so I could write them down, when this incredibly gorgeous black man sat on the stool beside me. He ordered a beer and… a Cosmopolitan, I think, "for the lady". I was completely disappointed because, well, this beautiful man was taken, until the bartender set the drink in front of me. Then I realized what was going on. It's an intoxicating feeling, knowing you can attract a man like that, when all you've had in your life before is scum. (Scum in the disguise of attractive men, but scum nonetheless.)

I don't have many other clear memories of that night. I know we talked for a long time and we danced (oh god, is he an amazing dancer!) and he bought me a few more drinks. I didn't even think about drugs. And after all that, we went back to my apartment.

I think that was the first time I ever truly understood the emotion behind sex that most couples have. At the time, I thought I loved Riley, but I've figured out that was just a stop on the way of looking for something. (It's cheesy, I know, but that something is Roger. Give me a break, I just got back into this relationship.) But with Benny… there was raw emotion behind that and it terrified me. Love at first sight. I did love Benny, I can't deny it. He loved me too, I know. But I also know that love at first sight hit me with Rog too. It wasn't nearly so terrifying for me that time, although it must have been for him. I'm sorry everything keeps coming back to Rog, I'll get back to my story.

The next morning, I woke up in Benny's arms and discovered he was Benjamin Coffin the Third, my landlord. That afternoon, I moved my things out of Tommy's place and broke it off with him for good. That evening, Benny came back to see me again, and told me he was married.

I cried… god, almost as hard as I did when I found out I had AIDS, or the night that Roger and I got back together. But Benny cried too, and he told me he loved me… We sat on my fire escape until midnight, talking about love at first sight and our pasts. Benny was the first man I ever met who didn't judge me because of my past or make me out to be the stereotype of my job. (He loved having me dance for him, though.) We decided that love at first sight doesn't exactly come everyday, we had to try this.

Hmmm… apparently Rog isn't as out of it as I thought… he seems to want to write something in here. I… uh… I guess I'll let him.

HEY GORGEOUS. I… UM… NOT A BIG FAN OF WRITING ANYTHING OTHER THAN SONGS, BUT I'LL WRITE WHILE YOU WATCH YOUR GIRL-MOVIE.

WHY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT BENNY!

THAT STUPID ASSHOLE DOESN'T DESERVE YOU!

NO GUY WHO WON'T GIVE UP HIS CAGE-MONKEY WIFE FOR YOU DESERVES YOU!

AND I LOVE YOU MORE THAN MONKEY-MAN COULD EVER LOVE YOU!

LATER

Oh… my… Probably should have remembered what I was writing before I gave this book to Roger. I'll have to make that up to him… wink, wink. Make sure he doesn't think I still love Benny. Then again, maybe he didn't read it, just saw Benny's name. Doubt it, though. Oh well…

Don't know when I fell out of love with Benny. Maybe it was when I realized we really didn't have any hope of having a future together. He wasn't going to leave his wife, not even for me. No matter how much he loved me, he just got too used to his "rich" lifestyle. We tried to think of ways he could have gotten out of his marriage and still had the money… we couldn't do it. The only thing we could come up with was to find a way for Alison to have an affair and get caught (they had a pre-nuptial agreement), but Benny said she'd never do it. She was too "devoted" to him, which was crazy because he wasn't even showing her affection anymore. Not since I came along.

I eventually figured out that I needed to break it off, though. It hurt too much. Besides, I couldn't be the girl who broke up his marriage and left him penniless and embarrassed. He had worked too hard for this, I couldn't be the "other woman". Besides, it was killing me. (Well, I'm not totally selfless!) I knew this had to end.

I could have ended it in a better way, though. I just stopped talking to him. I didn't show up for own dates, I walked right past him after work, I screened his calls and I wouldn't open the door for him when he came by. I know, he could have unlocked it… but he respected me too much to do that. That was what caused the whole AngryBenny-ness on Christmas Eve…

Yeah, there's guilt. I couldn't do it slow, I couldn't. It killed me not to be with him, too. I just knew it had to be better in the long-term. Benny had to stay with Ali… and I had to… not be with him. It was hell.

I was so good when I was with Benny… I barely ever did drugs. Never had a reason to, I was happy just to be with him. I mean, sometimes I just wanted to feel extra-good, or the girls at the club passed me something, but it wasn't often and I never did anything with injection. But I started up again after I left Benny. What else was I supposed to do? Miserable… dying… alone. Went back to smack then. I actually think it was only about a week after I started again, that I had a full addiction.

They say that once you've had an addiction, you're suspect to both it and other addictions for years afterwards. True. I'm totally addicted to caffeine now… I need hot chocolate to start off the day. (I hate coffee, so much. I think it reminds me of James.) I think that's probably why I went back so easy too. An emotional wreck and… well, Tommy was always there. He didn't mind that we "broke up", he still got what he wanted and… he liked having me around. I dissected this once. He knew he was going to die and he wanted to "live life to the fullest", while he was living. Pretty girls and power was just a part of that.

Anyway, I'm bored now, I'm gonna go see if Roger wants to play a game with me. I'm thinking "Truth or Dare". I can find out the story behind that Monkey-Man comment and make my little Benny-slip up to Roger!  

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Author's Note: Yaaaay! I love the end of this chapter, and I love Mimi and Roger talking about the movies… the middle is kinda iffy, but that's for you guys to tell me if it's good or not. (And, I figured out why I'm not getting reviews. I need some M/R or M/M! Don't you worry… I'm sure something can be arranged ;).)

Disclaimer: Not mine… oh goodness, if they were, though…

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