Part Ten
The smoke was so thick she could hardly see, not that she was sure she wanted to. She coughed, eyes watering, the smell of burnt flesh so overwhelming she thought she was going to be sick. She remembered another scene like this, years ago, having been caught in an explosion in a remote Peruvian jungle. This was different however. Through breaks in the smoke, the terrain appeared rocky, vaguely familiar in a way she couldn't place.
She fell to her knees, hoping the smoke would be thinner towards the ground, trying to shut out the moans and cries of pain she heard around her. Her head jerked up at the sound of gunfire in the distance, followed by panicked yelling. Not knowing what else to do, she got to her feet again, doggedly sprinting towards the source of the commotion, rock skittering beneath her feet, distantly hoping she'd be lucky enough not to stumble over any remains as she did so. The smoke had rendered her throat raw, her eyes red and irritated, causing tears to slip down her face. The air around her still felt unnaturally warm, superheated by whatever had caused this devastation.
The wind shifted around her, blowing some of the smoke away and giving her a slight reprieve. Unfortunately, it also gave her a good view of the blast sight, and the image it presented caused her stomach to tie itself in knots. There was a group of brightly clad people--the apparent source of the shouting--racing down the far cliff face, skidding to a halt near the perimeter of the crater, headed off by others, and her mind raced to try and figure out why everything seemed familiar.
"No!"
She froze dead in her tracks, blood gone cold. That was Nathan's voice, though she'd never heard it sound so absolutely terrified in her life. She sprinted closer, then fell to her knees, bile rising in her throat at the sight that greeted her. Suddenly everything was crystal clear--those were Clan Chosen members, faces stricken as their leader fell to his knees, cradling the broken body of his wife. The wind carried snatches of conversation she no longer understood, as realization dawned on her--Aliya was still conscious. Nathan had said--but somehow, she'd never imagined that the woman had been anything but faintly alive when he'd gotten to her. She turned her head, choking back the urge be sick, tears of a different sort streaming from her eyes. This was Nathan's dream, this was what he was haunted by.
A flicker caught her attention and she whirled back, a cry equal parts horror and anguish escaping her as she realized the image had changed, shifting until it was no longer Aliya's form cradled delicately in Nathan's arms, but a woman whose features were far more familiar.
She jerked awake, half expecting to taste the acrid smoke, hot, choking, and pungent with the smell of death as she gasped in a lungful of air. She felt cold all over, shaky and sick, head pounding. In the dark, his hand found her, touching her arm lightly. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to fight down the sob that wanted to escape her. "That was how." Her voice was hoarse to her own ears.
The mattress shifted. "Yes." His voice was rough, thick with barely suppressed emotion. "The end was a novel twist," he added after a pause, none of the wry humor in his voice that the words implied.
A part of her felt like it'd died. There were no words--none, when she wanted so desperately to express the way her mind was reeling now, helpless. Her hands tightened to fists, nails biting into her palms. He must have felt the muscles in her arm tense beneath the skin.
"Dom..."
"God..." She breathed, unable to stop the way her thoughts were spinning, too fast for words. "I knew... I thought I--oh god." She leaned forward, arms wrapped loosely around drawn up knees, unable to help the way she was still shaking. "I had no idea."
"You didn't need to see that," he replied, propping himself up. The words tried to be casual, but couldn't be, and she was sure that if she'd been able to see his face clearly in the darkness, it would look haunted. He sounded haunted, and the apology implicit in his words made her irrationally hurt and feel foolish at the same time. As if he should need to apologize for that.
"Don't," she replied fiercely through clenched teeth. "Don't you dare try to apologize for that Nathan. Don't, even for an instant, imply that you should have been better at keeping that all inside." Tears stung the corners of her eyes, but she fought them back. "You stupid, hurting bastard," she hissed. "How long were you just going to keep all of this to yourself?" He didn't reply, but she wasn't expecting him to, either. "Forever." She all but spat the word. "Is this what that means to you Nathan? That you're going to protect me, even from yourself? Because that's damned well not what I signed on for."
He sat up, arms draped across the tops of his knees, the light flicking on as if of its own accord as he did so. "I'm not sure what any of this means, Dom."
"You don't?" Her eyes were brittle. "Because I can feel your fear, Nathan. I can almost taste how scared you are, and now I have to wonder how long this has been going on, and how much of it is my fault."
He ran a hand over his face tiredly. She'd been right--he looked as pale and shaken as she'd imagined he would.
"It's not..." He stopped, trying to organize his thoughts in a way she could understand, aware for the first time how big a gap there really was between them. How could he explain this longing for a secure life, when Dom had never known security? "Fault is entirely the wrong word," he said finally. "You couldn't help what was happening. And..." he continued, voice low, "I was afraid. I admit it. Afraid because I couldn't understand why any of this was happening to you--to us, and I kept thinking that I'd somehow missed a sign that would have let me stop things before they got so bad. I found myself staring down what seemed a very real possibility that I was going to lose you again, to something even I couldn't fight. It scared me because I can't picture a life without you in it, Dom, not anymore."
"And this is how you expect to keep me?" She laughed hoarsely. "By pretending that nothing's ever wrong, that nothing touches you? Damnit!" She growled. "This is not the way to do it Nate! If you can't be honest with me, if you have to hide part of yourself from me, then you're not you! You're this person who looks like Nathan and sounds like Nathan, but by god, you're not the man I love, just some hollow thing hell bent on making sure nothing hurts me."
She looked over at him, eyes flashing fiercely. "In case you haven't noticed, I'm a big girl, Nate. I can take care of myself. I may suck at it on occasion, but I think I've learned my lesson. And tell me, what's the point of everything we've gone through these last few months if you're just going to turn the tables on me? When I asked you if you wanted something out of this relationship, It wasn't out of courtesy. I want your input. I want to know that you're comfortable, that you're getting everything out of life that you've damned well earned."
He was silent for so long that she was about ready to scream from the tension when he finally spoke. "You're right," he said in a strange, strained voice. "I am hollow. So much of what made me what I am is gone, and I can feel it, Dom, as if all these pieces of the person I was are missing. Is that what you wanted to hear?"
She bit her lip, not sure exactly how to proceed. "Well, it's certainly something, even if it does make me question just how important any of this is to you," she replied tersely.
"Isn't that the point though?" He asked a bit wildly, and Domino winced, hoping no one else could hear him. "There isn't anything else anymore. This is all that's left." He'd bolted out of bed, standing next to it and fixing her with a vaguely panicked look on his face. She wasn't sure what she'd expected, but a hysterical outburst hadn't been high on the list. "I lost everything. This is the only thing I have left to cling to, and it's so flonqing fragile, I'm afraid it's all going to vanish again. And then what? What am I supposed to do when I'm too scared to even move because I could lose it all again?"
"Nate! Nate..." She climbed across the bed and got up, touching his arm lightly. "Look at me, okay? It's going to be all right." She didn't like the way he was looking at her, so utterly spooked, the reality of his fears finally hammered home. She slipped her arms around him, holding him as tightly as she could. "I'm not going anywhere, you big lug. A whole fucking herd of wild horses couldn't drag me off now."
"You don't know that for certain." His hand moved to stroke her hair, something dazed about the movement, his voice still strained.
"Of course not. Nothing's certain. That's the whole point of living."
----
It was past noon. The clock on the bedside table said so, but somehow, Nathan couldn't bring himself to particularly care. His chest still ached with uncertainty, there were things he wanted to say, to do, but he wasn't sure yet how to proceed. Dom's weight against him made it tolerable, and he slid a hand down her bare back, stopping at the shelf of her hip. Her head lifted from his chest, violet eyes meeting his as one hand slid up to touch the side of his face.
"You look better," she said, and stretched up to brush her lips against his own. He seemed in a surprisingly good mood given the ledge she'd had to talk him down off of the previous night. It'd taken no small amount of coaxing and a delicate mix of concern and forcefulness to get him back to bed, even more gentle reassurance to get him to sleep. That she'd somehow managed to miss the depths of his turmoil bothered her--though now that she reflected back on it, she could certainly see instances where it had bubbled to the surface. Well, it was worthless reflecting on the past. If there was anything she'd learned after nearly two decades with Nathan it was that, even if he was somewhat lax about practicing what he preached. What seemed most important now was that she try and take this new information into account. She rested her head against his shoulder, sighing as his arms slid around her.
There was still tension here, she could feel it, but there was none of the desperation that she'd felt pouring down the link last night. It was going to take some getting used to, this new facet. It was a kind of fear she'd never really seen from him before--though in a tragic way, it made sense. He'd spent his childhood believing his real parents had abandoned him, and though she understood why Scott and Jean saw reason for that falsehood, there was no undoing that damage. Then he'd lost them too, and then his wife, his son, his very past, until he was one man carrying the entire weight of a future that would never come to pass. And last night, she'd seen quite plainly a scared boy, absolutely paralyzed with terror at the thought of losing what little he had left. It made her want to cling to him all the more. Which was why she was still laying in bed at quarter to one in the afternoon--not that it was exactly a hardship to be there.
There was a knock on the door, and she scowled. "Some people have no manners," she murmured.
"They can go flonq themselves." Nathan replied, forcing Domino to fight back a rather atypical giggle. "What do you want?" He asked in a louder voice.
"Y'know, I've heard of sleeping in, but this is a bit excessive."
"Flonq off, Worthington."
"Hey, don't shoot the messenger. Jean sent me to find out if she could expect you downstairs any time soon."
"Well, she could have just asked," he grumbled, sitting up. Domino looked none too pleased at being dislodged from her comfortable position.
"I think she was trying to be ...polite."
"Tell her I'll be down soon," Nathan sighed in reply. He turned to Dom after Warren had gone. "Sorry."
"Nah, s'okay. I could have been up hours ago, but you seemed to be enjoying yourself, so..." She stretched, glancing at the clock again as she headed towards the bathroom. "You know, we've still got a bit of time..."
He smirked. "And you tell me I'm incorrigible?"
She grinned broadly at him. "Well, I have to at least try to keep up, you know."
----
"She wants to take a job with SHIELD."
"That's what she wasn't telling you," Jean ventured. She'd gotten good at picking up their conversations from where they'd left off.
"She was afraid I wouldn't like the idea."
"Was she right?"
"It... wasn't what I was expecting."
"Translation being, you don't really want to have her gone."
He looked somewhat sheepish. "It was a stupid hope. Like she said, she's too young for retirement."
Jean smiled faintly. "The age difference is an issue, I suppose."
"Everything's an issue," he replied. "We don't want the same things out of life."
"You're looking for something a bit closer to the two kids and a dog scenario?" She teased.
He flinched, faintly embarrassed. "Something like that, but Dom isn't Aliya, and trying to convince myself that the wish is still compatible..." He trailed off.
"It might not be. But there's got to be a compromise in there somewhere."
"Well, we have a cat," he replied wryly. "Actually, Dom has a cat. I have to put up with him."
Jean laughed. "See? You're compromising already."
----
"Dom, you busy?"
Domino looked up from the weapon she had in pieces on the floor of their room. "Of course not. Just let me put this back together." After a minute, she wiped her hands on her jeans and slid the weapon back into its holster. "What's up?"
"Let's take a walk."
"Uh-oh. I'm not in trouble, am I?" She asked playfully, snagging her coat as they left the room.
"Nothing like that." He slipped her hand into hers. "I just want to talk."
"Okay," she hedged, not sure quite what to make of his somber mood. They exited through the kitchen, stepping out into crisp pre-winter air. There'd be snow soon, she thought idly, amazed suddenly at how quickly the year had flown by. They walked for several minutes in silence, Nathan's hand tight around her own. She was keenly aware of the tension radiating from him, would have felt it even without the little piece of him tucked conveniently in the back of her mind. He was shielding the link, too, though only lightly. She let him lead here a few more yards, until they were at the very edge of the tree line, then stopped. "Okay, Nate, let's talk."
He turned to look at her, not letting go of her hand, his other hand raising to touch the side of her face. He took a deep breath, seemed to be gathering himself up for something, though what she could only guess. Inexplicably, a knot formed in the pit of her stomach. He seemed so serious...
"Dom." He tightened his grip on her hand. "I--I've been thinking... You know I'm as committed to making this work between us as you are.. But I know I've also... let you down before. I was thinking, we could make it more permanent... And I was wondering how you felt about that."
"I--" She stared at him for a long moment. "You're asking me what I think you're asking me, aren't you?" She blinked at the expression on his face. "You are. Geez. I... don't know, Nate. I need some time to think about that."
His expression crumpled a little, as if he'd been hit, and she swore inwardly, wishing she could take back her words and find ones less stinging. "Nathan, I'm not saying no. I just have to have some time to process this. I know it should seem simple, after all these years, but it's not. It's complicated and I have to have time to make sure that I do what's right. For both of us. Can you handle that?"
He nodded mutely, hand falling from her face. Domino tightened her grip on the hand still holding hers, trying to be silently reassuring. "Let's keep walking. It's going to be too cold to soon."
----
"What on earth am I going to do about your brother? Woop--careful there." Domino reached out, catching several wooden blocks as they tumbled from their precarious arrangement. Nathan had vanished some time ago--probably to give her space and keep himself from hovering--and a sudden crisis had the active X-Men holed up in the War Room. Which left her with babysitting duty. Not that she minded, exactly. It certainly gave her a chance to vent her frustrations. "I mean, I can't exactly say no, can I? Not without hurting him. But I don't know if I should say yes--I don't even know why he's doing this, and I'd hate to make a mistake..." She sighed in frustration. "You want the green one?" She handed the brilliantly dyed rectangle to Rachel, who dutifully added it to the lop sided pile. "I swear he does things like this to drive me crazy." She leaned back on her arms, admiring their handiwork. "Quite the budding architect, aren't you?" As if in defiance of the comment, Rachel reached out and shoved the tower of wood blocks over, giggling as the pieces clattered noisily on the wood floor.
"Well, looks like you inherited the family destructive streak as well," Domino chuckled, then gacked as the girl crawled into her lap and bear hugged her neck. "Okay, I get the idea, hugs. Geez, I wonder if Nate was ever this sociable."
"Somehow I doubt it."
"Well, speak of the devil. Where'd you disappear off to?" Domino climbed to her feet, balancing Rachel against her hip.
Nathan shrugged. "Around. I though it would be better if..." He trailed off.
Domino nodded her head in acknowledgement. "Yeah. Thanks. I--woopsies. Hold on a sec, kido." She shifted her grip as Rachel reached out for Nathan. "Here, go bug your brother."
"So, how did you get wrangled into babysitting?" Nate asked, hanging onto the squirming child. He glanced down. "I'm going to tickle you if you don't behave."
"I volunteered," she replied with a shrug. Nathan arched an eyebrow at her. "Hey, you were out, and Jean and Scott are doing X-Men stuff. I wasn't doing anything pressing. So stop looking at me like that."
"If you say so." He gave Dom an indignant look as Rachel reached up and grabbed his nose. "Okay, you're in trouble now." He unceremoniously flipped her upside down, hanging tightly to her legs as Rachel shrieked with amusement.
"Nathan, are you torturing your sister?" Jean's voice drifted in from the hallway, and after another moment, she appeared in the doorway.
"No, mother." Nathan quipped, still holding his sister upside down.
Jean chuckled, walking over and tickling her daughter's stomach. "Were you making a nuisance of yourself?" She reached out and scooped the child up, glancing in Domino's direction. "Thank you for watching her."
"No problem. Everything okay?"
"Storm's team is heading out to handle it, but things look like they're starting to settle down on their own. Thanks again."
They watched Jean depart, and Nathan spoke up once she was out of earshot. "If you want to talk--"
Domino sighed, shoving her hair back behind her ear. "I really just need to work this through on my own Nathan. If I don't I'm going to end up questioning myself as to whether I really made the choice on my terms." She reached out and took hold of his hand. "Just let me have today to make up my mind."
----
Domino swore under her breath as she stepped off the back stoop and onto the frost coated grass. There was a partial moon over head, its light turning the lawn to silver. Despite the cold, it was quite the sight, and maybe out here she'd finally be able to get some thinking done.
Part of her was angry at having the decision thrown at her. Whatever her choice, there would be repercussions, and this time, there'd be no running away. She was also strongly tempted to remove a limb from whoever decided to designate the entire mansion as non-smoking. She walked a few more yards silently, ears trained on a faint sound further out in the forest. "Haven't you got anything better to do than play peeping tom?" She'd been pretty sure she'd find him out here, but there was no reason to let Logan know that.
"Anyone ever told ya those are bad for y'r health?"
Domino smirked as Logan stepped out of the woods. "You're spending too much time outdoors, old man."
"Keeps me from goin' soft. 'Sides, I could smell that thing a mile away."
She gave him an annoyed look and scrubbed the cigarette out on a bare patch of ground. "I can quit any time I want."
"That's what you always say."
"Always mean it too." She reached into her pocket and dug out the pack, tossing it at him. "There. That's my last one."
"Remind me to avoid you tomorrow," he grinned, tucking the pack into a shirt pocket.
She shrugged. "You know me. I change addictions like most people change clothes. I'll get over it. So, what do you want?"
He leaned back against a tree. "What makes you think I want anything, girl?"
"Logan, please. You're not as clever as you think," she smirked. "Out with it."
"Been meaning to catch up with ya, that's all. Hard to find a moment when you're not busy escorting the tin man 'round the mansion."
She laughed. "Riiight. Lemme guess--you don't currently have some teenage girl worshiping you, so you've got a sudden need to reconnect."
"You always had too much attitude, Neena." He grumbled.
"Thank you." She smiled pleasantly. Antagonizing him was still as fun as it used to be, she noted with amusement.
He scowled. "Okay, okay. What the hell went down in Russia?"
"Ah. Motivation reveals itself at last." She shook her head. "He was waiting for me."
"Figured as much. So?"
"So? He was a pathetic old man, Logan. He didn't care one damned bit about what he'd done to me. He only cared that I'd found out. I don't think he was capable of seeing outside his own selfish needs. He wanted forgiveness he didn't deserve."
"That's it, then."
"Sure. I know how I feel about it now. Pissed as hell and a little rejected. Part of me has always hoped that I'd find out it was all an accident. That I was wanted. But life doesn't work that way, y'know? Took some personal time, pissed the hell out of Nathan, realized I was being stupid about the whole fucking thing. Nate watched me burn the letter. End of story."
Logan nodded. "Looks like ya did the right thing, then, kid." He clapped her on the shoulder. "'Bout time life started treating ya better."
She laughed wryly. "Yeah, now all I have to do is figure out what I want."
"Eh, you'll figure it out."
"Maybe. I'm just afraid of fucking it all up again."
----
The tension in the small bedroom was almost palpable, though Domino realized it was only to be expected. She sat on the foot of the bed, studying her reflection in the dresser mirror across from her. She could see Nathan leaning against the headboard behind her, watching her back. She let out a held breath, eyes moving to his reflection in the mirror. "Why do you want me to marry you? Why now, I mean? After all this time, is there even a point?"
"I'd like to think there is," he replied. "And before you ask, it has nothing to do with last night. Not really. It's been on my mind for a while now."
"Well, that answers one question," she replied dryly. "But why? It's not as if it's a big deal. Not to me... I certainly don't need this from you, Nathan."
"It's not that I think you do," he countered. "Oath Dom, I'd like to think that if something like that mattered, you would have brought it up."
She nodded slightly. "Maybe. Does it matter to you?"
"Some," he admitted. "We've changed, Dom. The relationship has changed. It's not a matter of us being the one person the other can call up when we need to. It's not even about being partners anymore," he continued, a hint of wryness leaking into his voice. "It's about finally taking the time to work on us. And I think that change deserves acknowledgement."
She was silent for a long moment. "But it doesn't change anything. Things would be the same whether we did this or not..."
"You think so? People wouldn't do it if there weren't, Dom. Not in a society like this. You really don't think there's a point?"
She bit her lip. "Maybe. But we're not most people, Nathan. And we've already made our promises." Her hand moved to touch the pendant around her neck.
She heard him sigh and saw a flash of movement in the mirror as he got up and sat down behind her. His hand touched her shoulder lightly. "What are you so afraid of?"
"Of making mistakes," she replied quietly. "Of hurting you. The last time I had to ponder this question, I made the wrong choice."
"I thought maybe that was it," he replied, turning her towards him gently so that she had to look directly at him, instead of at his reflection. "Dom, are you sure that it was the marriage that was a mistake? Or was it what it meant that was the problem? With Milo, you were committing yourself to a life within the NSA, committing yourself to being as much a captive as he was. And the Domino I know could never live like that. Oath, it's no wonder you needed out, Dom. I know it hurt you, and I know you wish you could have found some other way, but Milo was asking for something you couldn't give him. Something he wouldn't have asked you to give him if he'd known you like I know you."
He took a deep breath. "I'm not going to try and force your hand. That would be wrong. And I'll drop the subject forever, as of now, if that's what you want me to do. I'll never bring it up again. But," he added. "It won't stop me from wanting this." He brushed a hand along her cheek. "You know I'm not going to try and keep you caged, Dom. I could no sooner do that then cut off my own right arm. And you're so much happier when you have room to fly. I would never try to take that from you. That's not what this is about. It's about how much I care about you, and how much I want everyone else to know it. Because you're worth that, Dom." He took her hand in his. "What do you say?"
She swiped at her eyes with the back of her hand. "Can I still chicken out if I need to?"
"Sure. I hope you won't, though."
She swallowed, squeezing his hand a little for reassurance. "Okay," she breathed. "Okay."
He reached out and enveloped her in a bear hug, holding tight for a minute before loosening his grip. "Good."
Dom laughed a little at his enthusiasm. "You do realize this is insane."
"So?"
"You're right. I suppose at this point, one more insane move on our part hardly matters." She leaned over and kissed him quickly. "However, if you think I'm going to let anyone call me 'Domino Summers,' you've got another thing coming."
*End*