Lord of the Lemons
The Scene opens with a tall, handsome boy with fair hair lowering himself down a rock carefully and jumping down to the ground. He then proceeds to stride purposely through the many a thousand of tall, towering trees and broken sticks and plants. Behind the boy are two girls, tip toeing quietly and making "shh"ing noises. One of the girls had long blonde hair and wore a green shirt with "SLYTHERIN'S ARE SEXY" printed across it in silver letters. The other girl had short brown hair and wore a red shirt with "I LOVE WEREWOLVES" on the front in gold letters. The boy in front of them trips over a tree trunk and falls onto his face.
Jamie: Ah ha! Serves you right! [Points and laughs]
Beth: Watch out, Jack might find you and eat you.
Handsome boy: [Blinks] Whose Jack?
Suddenly, a call rang out, echoing through the trees.
Caller: Hi! Wait a minute!
Jamie: Because that's what people say.
Beth: [Cracks up]
Handsome boy: …
Caller: Wait a minute. I got caught up.
Beth: On what? Your fat?
Jamie: [Gasp] Beth! That was mean!
Beth: Yeah, well. So is your face.
The owner of the voice appears: a fat, short boy with just shorts on. He wipes the sweat off the side of his face with his arm, as he stares at the three others in front of him. The handsome boy slowly inches away from the girls.
Jamie: Ahhh! Put a shirt on! You're turning me on!
Fat boy: Where's the man with the megaphone?
Jamie: I ate him.
Handsome boy: [Inching away]
Beth: Ralph! [Throws her arms around his middle] Marry me?
Ralph: Uhhh? How did you know my name?
Jamie: She's phychic.
Beth: I'm the spawn of a lemon.
The fat boy looked puzzled. He turned slightly and looked behind him, and then forward.
Fat boy: Aren't there any grownups?
Jamie: No. I killed them.
Fat boy: That pilot.
Beth: Piggy. Are you even listening to us?
Jamie: Does it look like he's listening to us?
Beth: I don't know. I'm blind.
Jamie: No you're not.
Beth: Go suck on a lemon.
Ralph disentangled himself from the brown hair girl and started to make his way through the trees.
Piggy: Hey! Where are you going?
Jamie: Your death.
Beth: I must say, you look like death itself, and I've never seen death so ravishing.
Jamie: Okay? And that's from…?
Piggy: My Auntie told me not to run, on account of my asthma.
Ralph: Sucks—
Beth: Sucks to your ass-mar! Ah ha!
The four of them slowly but surely made their way down to the shore of the beach as Jamie and Beth sang "Build Me Up Buttercup" very loudly.
Piggy: Hey, look! A shell! [Goes out and gets it]
Beth: That's not how it's supposed to happen.
Jamie: Yeah. Ralph is supposed to get the conch. [Pushes Ralph in the water]
Beth: Ha! Ralph's in the water!
Jamie: Thank you Captain Obvious.
Ralph: Let's hold a meeting.
Jamie: Because that came from where?
Beth: Ass-mar.
Ralph: [Blows the conch]
Groups of little naked kids come running up to the rock.
Beth: AH! NAKED KIDS!
Jamie: Put some pants on! You're turning me on!
Beth: [Smacks Jamie]
Piggy: What's your name, little boy?
Jamie: Your death.
Little kid: Percy.
Beth: Percy! Look! It's Percy! [Attacks the little kid] Percy Weasley?!
Jamie: No, Beth. No.
A tall, scrawny boy with a bunch a kids behind him in cloaks appears in sight down on the beach.
Jamie: Jack!
Beth: I know what that is! It's an invisibility cloak!
Jamie: No… It's not… you can see them.
Beth: Burn.
Jack: Isn't there a man here?
Jamie: Because that makes sense.
Beth: [Drooling over Jack]
Jamie: He's twelve.
Beth: And your point?
Jamie: Your death?
Beth: Exactly.
Ralph: We're having a meeting.
Beth: No, really?
Jack: We need a chief.
Beth: Don't pick Jack, he'll eat everyone.
Everyone else: We pick Ralph!
Beth: [Raises hand] I pick Piggy!
Jamie: I pick Draco!
Beth: … Because he's here.
Jack: Looks like you won.
Jamie: Kill him, Ralph!
Ralph: Let's go explore the island.
Beth: And stand on your head?
Jamie: Don't forget Simon.
Simon: Peace everyone. Peace.
Everyone: …
So the three boys, Ralph, Jack and Simon went to explore the island while everyone else stayed to waste the time away. Beth and Jamie mostly tortured the kids.
Jamie: So. You're Sam…and you're Eric?
Samneric: Yes.
Beth: Kind of like Fred and George?
Jamie: I can tell them apart. Sam has a nose.
Samneric: …
Beth: They both have noses…
Jamie: Oh.
Suddenly a girl with longish blond hair came skipping up to the rock. She was wearing a orange shirt that read "EWAN IS" across the front in white letters, followed closely by another girl with brown wavy hair with a "A VERY SEXY MAN".
Girl: Hey, tools!
Other girl: Yo!
Beth: Hi, Jessica! Hey Maggie! What are you doing here?
Jamie: Killing you?
Beth: Frick.
Jessica: Just looking for Ewan. Have you seen him?
Jamie: …No.
Beth: I ate him.
Maggie and Jessica: NOOOO [Attacks Beth]
At that moment the boys came back from their exploring; faces flushed with excitement.
Jack: I almost killed a pig!
Jamie: Mrs. Flufflekins!
Jack: …
Beth: Poor piggy!
Piggy: What?
Beth: Burn.
Ralph: We found a place for fire!
Beth: Ho hum, pigs bum.
Jack: Pigs?!
Jamie: No Jack.
So they all gather firewood and make a huge fire that gets out of hand and burns down half the forest.
Beth: Good job.
Jamie: Real smooth.
Beth: I want my computer.
Jamie: Let's have a tea party!
Jack: I !@#$%&* hate you, Ralph! You want everything your way! Well I'm sick of it! @#$#@%$@%$%!"
Jamie: MRS. FLUFFLEKINS DOES NOT SPEAK IN SUCH LANGUAGE.
Beth: …Neville?
Jamie: Yes.
Jack: [Kills pigs and paints his face in blood]
Beth: STD'S!
Jamie: Did we just skip half the book?
Beth: Sh, don't ask questions.
A very small hamster came running up to the group and then transformed into Marianne.
Marianne: MWUHAHA. FEAR THE WRATH OF THE HAMSTERS. [Throws Hamsters at them all]
Roger: I'm evil.
Jamie: You remind me of Draco. Did you know that?
Roger: [Tries to kill Jamie]
Jamie: Okay. Draco would not do that!
Jack: Roger's the pig!
Everyone: [Pretends to try and kill Roger]
Simon: [Talks to a lemon on a stick]
Everyone: [Kills Simon]
Beth: Simon! No-o-o-o!
Jamie: You'd have thought we could have saved him. Considering we know what happens.
Beth: Who's the writer here. Me or you?
Jamie: Your face?
Beth: Yes.
Jack: Keep out of our #@#!@# hut!
Jamie: MRS. FLUFFLEKINS!
Beth: Savages! Savages! Filthy devils—kill them! Savages! Savages! Killers at the core!
Cricket in Jamie's shoe: Chirp.
Suddenly! Out of nowhere! Fricken nowhere! A girl of about sixteen comes out of the woods. She was wearing a shirt that read "DRACO IS BAD".
Girl: MY PEOPLE. [Holds up hand]
Jamie: NOOO! NIKKI! HE IS NOT! [Jumps on Nikki]
Ralph: [Points out to the sea] What's that?
Piggy: Looks like—
Beth: Random accordions!
Jamie: [Chirps like a bird]
Piggy: Let's go to Jack's party.
Jamie: Becaw?
Beth: No! You'll die!
Jamie: [Throws the accordion at Beth]
Piggy dies, the conch is broken and Ralph is forced to hide from the hunters.
Jamie: [Sitting by Ralph in his hiding place] So, Ralph. How's it going?
Beth: I wonder if Jack is naked.
Ralph: …
Jamie then leaves the hiding place to find Jack. Once that is accomplished she drags him to the beach and ties him to a chair that is suddenly there.
Jamie: Okay, Mrs. Flufflekins. Open up. [Shoves cake down his throat]
Beth: You know, Jack. There is someone in my school that looks just like you. Well, minus the blood and savagery and all.
Officer guy: … What's going on here?
Beth: Cheerios!
Brittany: I am the island.
Mrs. Clarke: Bah! Bah! I am the devil! I gave Beth and Jamie B's on their fabulous papers! [Has devil horns and a tail]
Beth: …
Jamie: Spawn of Satan!
Everyone—besides Simon, Piggy and the little kid I forgot to mention—is saved. [Demitri rides by on his horse holding a sign that reads "THE END"]
Dictionary:
Lemon: Little yellow circle fruit then has horns, a tail, and a pitchfork. When near—take caution.
Fricken: Colors of the wind.
Spawn of Satan: Mrs. Clarke.
Your death: Everything.
Ho hum, pigs bum: English saying.
Everything else: Scary.
Written by Beth Blazsik
For Jamie Burger…
As a joke.