[Wedding bells can be heard chiming. Zoom out scanning a white church. A
wedding is going on.]
Photographer 1: Here they come!
Photographer 2: Let's get a picture - close together now. The parents and then the grandparents. All the close family. Hold that. Beautiful. And . . . Love the camera!!!
(snap)
Photographer 1: Supa! Dats supa!!
Adam: I just got married!! Woo!!
(In the background: an angry mob of farmers carrying pitchforks go running by the wedding shouting, "PACKERS!! WOO!!")
Isaac: Um, yeah. *Looks confused about the angry mob of farmers carrying pitchforks, then turns back to Adam.* You and Megan have been almost inseparable since you met during Spring Break last year.
Adam: Well, to tell you the truth Isaac, that's the only reason I showed up in the first place! That and I was forced to.
(Behind them.)
Megan: Okay you guys, this is it . . .
Adam: Well, looks like Betty's going to throw the bouquet -
(Megan throws her bouquet. All the females and a familiar looking Moffatt dives for the flowers. Clint (the familiar looking Moffatt) and Stephanie fight over the bouquet. Stephanie is the triumphant one, detaching the bouquet from Clint's grasp and running away like a mad woman.)
Stephanie: *laughing psychotically* I got it! I got the bouquet!!
Adam: Hey big fella . . . looks like it could be your turn next, huh?
(Adam elbows Isaac in the side in a friendly way giving him a knowing smile.)
Isaac: Who knows . . .?
Adam: Well, so long, see you Isaac. We'd better get going Megan, hop in.
(Adam and Megan get into a white Dodge truck and start to drive away. As the drive away all the wedding guests leave. Only Isaac and Stephanie are left, talking amongst themselves.)
Stephanie: Oh Isaac, wasn't it just absolutely wonderful? Didn't Megan look radiantly beautiful? Oh I can't believe it, just an hour ago she was plain old Megan Lewis and now . . . now she's Mrs. Adam Drake!
Isaac: Yes Stephanie, Adam's a lucky guy.
Stephanie: Yes.
Isaac: Everyone knows Megan's a wild child. She'll be keeping him pretty busy.
Stephanie: Yes.
Isaac: And Adam, he'll have to wind her down just a bit.
Stephanie: Yes.
Isaac: *yelling* My god woman! Don't you say anything other than 'yes'???
Stephanie: Yes.
(Homicidal look comes into Isaac's eyes.)
Stephanie: Sorry, wasn't really paying any attention to you.
Isaac: *defeated look* Right. Anyways, Stephanie?
Stephanie: Yes Isaac?
Isaac: I've got something to say.
Stephanie: Uh huh . . .
Isaac: I really loved the skilful way . . . you beat the other girls - er and guys - to the bride's bouquet!
(They sing a long song about how much they love each other, blah blah blah no one cares. A different angry mob of farmers carrying pitchforks go running by as they sing shouting, "PACKERS!! WOO!!")
(Isaac and Stephanie get engaged and decide to go on a road trip to visit some friends. They leave.)
(Different scene. We are now in an office, somewhat resembling a library. A man sits in a swivel chair behind a desk. Zooming in, he turns around, facing the camera.)
Criminologist Dan: I would like, if I may, to take you on a strange journey.
(In the background you can hear Dan's assistant, Jerry, singing something about grilling chicken fresh every hour. A spatula, with eyes, flies past Dan's head.)
Criminologist Dan: *shouting* Stop it Jerry! I thought I had you locked up in your cage!! *looks back at the camera, clearing his throat* Eh, hello. It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Isaac Hanson and his fiancée Stephanie Mitchell left late that November evening to visit a few friends. It was true there were dark storm clouds, heavy, black, and pendulous, towards which they were driving. It's true also that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need of some air. But they, being normal kids on a night out, were not going to let a storm spoil the events of their evening. On a night out. It was a night out they were going to remember . . . for a very . . . long . . . time. Or until one of them gets hit in the head with a flying spatula. *gives a death glare to Jerry*
(New scene. In a car with Isaac and Stephanie.)
Stephanie: Gosh, that's the *counts on her fingers* uh third, no fifth, motorcyclist that's passed us. They sure do take their lives in their hands, what with the weather and all.
Isaac: Yes Stephanie, life's pretty cheap to that type. Stephanie: What type?
Isaac: Nevermind.
(Ahead them the road is blocked off. Isaac slowly comes to a stop.)
Isaac: Hmm. We must have taken a wrong turn a few miles back. We'll just have to turn back. *puts car in reverse, loud bang goes off*
Stephanie: What was that bang?
Isaac: It must have been a blowout. Damn it! *hits dashboard, it breaks* I knew I should have gotten that spare tire fixed. Well, let's go get some help.
Stephanie: I'm not getting out in the middle of nowhere! Where will you go??
Isaac: Didn't we pass a castle back down the road a few miles? Maybe they'll have a telephone for us to use. Now common. I'm not leaving you here.
(Grumbling, Stephanie reluctantly gets out of the car, following Isaac closely.)
(On the way to the castle they sing a song about the rain. Joygasm.)
Criminologist Dan: And so it seemed that fortune had smiled upon Isaac and Stephanie, and that they had found the assistance that their plight required. Or had they? I mean what if spatulas attack them once they arrive at this castle? You just never know.
(Isaac and Stephanie arrive at large and spooky house.)
Stephanie: Oh Isaac, let's go back! I'm cold and I'm frightened.
Isaac: Just a moment Stephanie, they may have a telephone. *Isaac knocks on door as the door opens.*
Lestat: Well, bonjour mon chéri.
Stephanie: *much happier and now bouncier* Hi!
Isaac: Um yeah, hi. I'm Isaac Hanson and this is my fiancée Stephanie Mitchell. I wonder if you might help us - you see our car broke down a few miles back . . . do you have a phone we might use?
Lestat: *grinning devious* I might be able to arrange that. Come along.
Isaac: You're too kind.
Stephanie: Oh Isaac! I'm frightened! What sort of place is this?
Isaac: It's just probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdos.
Lestat: This way.
(Loud noises, sounding a whole lot like a party can be heard.)
Stephanie: Are you having a party?
Lestat: You've arrived on a rather special night. It's one of the master's affairs.
Stephanie: Oh. Lucky him.
(Behind them, on the stairway stands Geri. She's made up in a cutesy maid's outfit. Hopping onto the banister she slides down.)
Geri: He's lucky, I'm lucky, you're lucky, we're all lucky!
(Lestat and Geri do a little sing and dance number together. It's nice, it's wonderful. We're introduced to all the singing and dancing Transylvanians. Some chick named Niki does a tap dance.)
Stephanie: Say something Isaac.
Isaac: Say! Do any of you guys know how to Madison?
(Transylvanian #11, Niki's mother (Mrs. Kline), raises her hand jumping up and down frantically.)
Mrs. Kline: Oh I do! I do!!
PeeWee Herman: Me too! Want to see?
(All the Transylvanians shout, 'No!')
Bob: I can break dance!
Kim: Shut up Bob!
(She throws a string cheese in some distant direction, he runs after it like an obedient dog. Kelly Blackford (the beached whale), Zac Hanson, and the Movie Geek also chase after the string cheese. These poor food deprived people. *Except for Kelly.*)
Raksha: Okay, that was weird.
Orlando: Yeah, I agree. Who wants to go get some 7Up or something with me?
Josh: Me!!
Raksha: You're not invited.
(Josh sulks and runs away crying. Serves him right, he shaved off his beautiful blonde hair to become bald.)
Old Titanic Lady: I'm old.
John: Dude, that's not in the script!
Old Titanic Lady: I'm really old.
John: Get her off stage! She's old!
Old Titanic Lady: I'M OLD!!!
(Le Petite Princesse starts to dial 9-1-1.)
Carrot Top: Dial 1-800-COLLECT!!
(Medics come to take Old Titanic Lady away. Noticing the camera is filming they decide to dazzle us with medical procedures. Somehow they wind up killing PeeWee Herman.)
Carrot Top: We should have dialed 1-800-COLLECT!! We could have saved a buck or two!
(All the Transylvanians *Or what's left of them.* yell for him to shut up. Savannah goes insane and mauls Carrot Top. Le Petite Princesse has to call the medics again. Carrot Top continues to yell about 1-800-COLLECT while Savannah is held back by Robert. When the medics leave for the second time only Frodo, Man in the Iron Mask, Mrs. Kline, Kim, Raksha, Orlando, John, and Le Petite Princesse is left.)
Orlando: Anybody still up for a 7Up?
(Everyone except for Frodo leaves. (How could he? I mean he's a cardboard cutout!) Isaac and Stephanie are somewhat dumbfounded by what has just happened and slowly starts to back away.)
Stephanie: Isaac, please, let's get out of here. It seems so unhealthy here . . .
Isaac: For God's sake get a grip on yourself Stephanie! It's just a party.
Stephanie: I want to go.
Isaac: Well, we can't go anywhere until I get to a phone.
Stephanie: Then ask the butler or someone.
Isaac: Just a moment Stephanie, we don't want to interfere with the celebrations.
Stephanie: Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared!
Isaac: *sounding macho* I'm here, there's nothing to worry about.
(Behind Stephanie, a man dressed in fishnets, high heels, and makeup struts up to them. He's your regular transvestite. Stephanie screams. This transvestite (Dr. Frank-N-Furter) starts to sing and dance about being a 'Sweet Transvestite'. The remaining Transylvanian claps (or well, whatever a cardboard cutout can do) and is led to the Frank's lab. Geri and Lestat start to strip Isaac and Stephanie down to their undergarments.)
Niki: Slowly, slowly, it's too nice of a job to rush! *she winks at Isaac*
Isaac: Hi, my name's Isaac Hanson and this is my fiancée, Stephanie Mitchell. And you are . . .
Niki: Niki. You're very lucky to be invited up to Frank's laboratory. Some people would give their right arm for the privilege.
Isaac: People like you, maybe . . .
Niki: Ha! I've seen it and a bit more at that!
Geri: Come along, the master doesn't like to be kept waiting.
(Everyone is shoved into an elevator. Arrive upon the top floor, everyone is let out. Frank walks up to them.)
Frank: Geri. Niki. Go and assist Lestat. I will entertain . . . *he smiles at Isaac and Stephanie*
Isaac: Isaac Hanson. And this is my fiancée Stephanie Mitchell.
Frank: Enchanté. *he kisses Stephanie's hand* How nice. And what charming underclothes you both have. But here. Put these on. They'll make you feel less . . . vulnerable. *he hands them each a robe* It's not often we receive visitors here - let alone offer them hospitality.
Isaac: *angry* Hospitality? All we wanted to do was to use your telephone, Goddamn it, a reasonable request which you have chosen to ignore.
Stephanie: Isaac don't be ungrateful -
Isaac: Ungrateful!
Frank: How forceful you are Isaac. Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So . . . dominant. You must be awfully proud of him, Stephanie.
Stephanie: Well, uh . . .
Frank: Do you have any tattoos, Isaac?
Isaac: Certainly not.
Frank: Oh well, how about you?
(Stephanie smiles and giggles shaking her head no. Lestat walks up.)
Lestat: Everything is in readiness, master. We merely await your word.
Frank: Tonight, my uh cardboard cutout, you are to witness a new breakthrough in biochemical research, and paradise is to be mine.
(Frank drones on for half an hour how he made this creature.)
Frank: Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator and step up the reactor power input three more points.
(A mummified man comes out of a giant fish tank shaking. Geri and Niki run with scissors to unwrap him. Everyone watches as Frank's creature is revealed. Once he is revealed he shows off his stuff and starts to sing and dance. This carries on for a bit.)
Frank: Well really, that's no way to behave on your first day out. But seeing as you're such an exceptional beauty . . . I am prepared to forgive you. Oh I just love success.
Lestat: He's a credit to your genius, master.
Geri: A triumph of your will.
Niki: He's okay.
Frank: Okay? Okay?? I think we can do better than that. Isaac, Stephanie, what do you think of him?
Stephanie: He's gorgeous . . . *she drools on herself*
Isaac: Shh, that's not the line! Say the correct line!
Stephanie: *snapping out of it* Oh um, I don't like men with too many muscles.
Niki: Like he's got any muscles!
(The creature shoots Niki an evil glare. She sticks her tongue out at him.)
Frank: Well, I didn't make him for either of you! He carries the Charles Atlas seal of approval!
(Frank starts to sing another song this one about making his creature into a man. We find out the creature's name is Taylor. Right as the song ends, the deep freeze freezer light lights up and it opens. Bruce Campbell comes riding out of the freezer on a Harley.)
Frank: Oh no!
Niki: Brucey!!
(Bruce sings and rides around on his motorcycle. Him and Niki have a bit of a playful flirt session before Frank becomes enraged and kills Bruce. Niki screams bloody murder.)
Frank: One from the vaults.
Taylor: Ugh.
Frank: Oh baby! Don't be upset . . . it was a mercy killing. He had a certain naïve charm, but . . . no muscle!
Taylor: Ugh.
(Frank sings another song about making Taylor into a man and drags him off to a bridal suite. No one really wants to know what a transvestite and his 'creature' are doing.)
Criminologist Dan: There are those who say that life is an illusion, and that reality as we know it is simply a figment of the imagination . . . Okay, who wrote this crap? I mean how could life be an illusion? Life is reality! Reality is Del Taco! Go to Del Taco! Buy my tacos!! Obey me!!!
Audience: MUST OBEY THE TACO MAN!!
(Everyone reading this leaves and goes to Del Taco for 99cent tacos. A few hours pass and finally, once everyone is full and not brainwashed, they return to finish reading this story.)
Criminologist Dan: Ah, so did we enjoy the tacos?
Audience: Tacos good. We love tacos!
Criminologist Dan: That is good my taco followers. Now, let's get on with the story. Where'd we leave off?
Jerry: We grill our chicken fresh every hour!!
Criminologist Dan: Shut up Jerry! Anyways, um, Isaac and Stephanie are safe because the tacos are protecting them or something. Hmm, ah yes. Both Isaac and Stephanie are apprehensive and uneasy since they were shown to their own separate rooms. Let's check in on one of them . . .
(Noises out side of Isaac's room are heard.)
Isaac: Who is it? Who's there?
Stephanie: It's only me Stephanie.
Isaac: Oh Stephanie darling, come in. Oh Stephanie.
(Stephanie gets into bed with Isaac, snuggling with him.)
Stephanie: Oh kiss me darling.
(They kiss. Isaac is running his hands through her silky hair as the wig comes off revealing it to be Niki instead.)
Isaac: Oh, oh, oh - it's YOU! You're not supposed to be here. Where's Frank?
Niki: Um, he's detained or something, so I'll just have to do. Now lemme say my line.
Isaac: Alright.
Niki: I'm afraid so Isaac. But isn't it nice?
(Niki kisses Isaac's chest.)
Isaac: Oh, you beast, you monster. What have you done with Stephanie?
Niki: Nothing, why? Do you think I should?
Isaac: You tricked me! I wouldn't have. I'd never, never, never . . .
Niki: Yes I know, but it isn't all bad . . . not even half bad. I think you really quite enjoyed it . . .
Isaac: Oh, stop, stop, no, Stephanie!
Niki: Stephanie will probably be asleep by now. Do you want her to see you like this?
(Niki grabs a hold of Isaac's legs and brings them up into the air - eagle spread.)
Isaac: Like this, like how?
Niki: Like this!
Isaac: It's your fault, you're to blame.
Niki: Yes, yes I know. But it isn't all bad, is it? Admit it, you really found it quite pleasurable. There's no crime in giving yourself over to pleasure . . . Oh Isaac we've wasted so much time already. Stephanie needn't know, I won't tell her.
Isaac: Well, promise you won't tell?
Niki: Cross my heart and hope to die.
Isaac: Well this is a lot better than Frank!
(Niki dives for Isaac and they have a um good time and all that pornographic stuff we shouldn't be talking about now.)
(Upstairs in the lab Lestat and Geri are cleaning up. Lestat walks up to Taylor with a torch and tries to light the bed he's laying on fire. Taylor screams like a girl and runs away.)
Lestat: Master, Taylor has broken the chains and vanished. The new playmate is loose and somewhere in the building. Geri has just released the dogs.
Frank: *shaving his legs* Oh no!
(Stephanie has wandered out of her room and into the lab. Lestat and Geri are no where to be found. They must have left or something to that extent. Whimpering noises are heard from a bed nearby. *I know what you must be thinking. A bed in a laboratory? Well it can happen!!*)
Stephanie: Who's there?
Taylor: Ugh.
Stephanie: *finding Taylor scuffed up on the bed half naked* You're hurt! Did they do this to you?
(Taylor nods.)
Stephanie: Here, I'll dress your wounds. *She rips her slip off and starts to 'dress his wounds'.*
Criminologist Dan: Well this is getting interesting!
(Stephanie continues to slowly rip the clothing from her to dress Taylor's wounds. After a while she starts to sing a song about wanting him to touch her. Sex ensues.)
(Frank has finally finished shaving. Frank, Lestat, Isaac, and Niki are coming up the elevator into the lab. Frank is carrying a whip and beating Lestat.)
Lestat: Mercy!
Frank: How did it happen? I told you to be watching him!
Lestat: I was only away for a minute, master.
Frank: Well see if you can find him on the monitor.
Lestat: Master, we have a visitor.
Isaac: Hey, it's Keanu Reeves!!!
Lestat: You know this mort - this . . . person?
Isaac: I certainly do. He happens to be an old friend of mine.
(Frank, Lestat, and Niki gag profusively.)
Lestat: The intruder is entering the building.
Frank: Then he'll probably be in . . .the Zen Room! Shall we enquire of him in person?
(Frank pulls a lever on the wall. Keanu comes crashing in through the laboratory wall in a wheelchair.)
Isaac: Keanu!
Niki: EVIL!!
Keanu: Dr. Frank-N-Furter. We meet at last.
Frank: Unfortunately. *silence ensues*
Frank: So um, what do you want?
Keanu: Oh, I just stopped by to say hello.
Niki: Well you've said hello, now say goodbye! *She grabs Frank's highheeled shoe and whaps him over the head.* Whap I say! And whap I say again! I'll teach this young hooligan some lessons!!
Isaac: Calm! He's just a harmless actor.
Niki and Lestat: So?
(Noises are heard from the bed. Everyone, except Keanu (since he's unconscious) goes to inspect it. Frank rips back the covers to reveal his playmate and Stephanie.)
Frank: Oh!
Isaac: Niki!
Niki: Stephanie!
Stephanie: Niki!
Isaac: Stephanie!
Stephanie: Isaac!
Frank: Taylor!
Taylor: Ugh!
Isaac: Niki!
Niki: Stephanie!
Stephanie: Niki!
Isaac: Stephanie!
Stephanie: Isaac!
Frank: Taylor!
Taylor: What's my line??
(Someone off the set yells, "Ugh!")
Taylor: Oh yeah. Um, 'Ugh!'
Frank: Listen, I made you, and I can break you just as easily.
Geri: *holding a gong* Master, dinner is prepared!
Frank: Excellent! Under the circumstances, formal dress is to be optional. *Frank stalks off in a snooty manner.*
Criminologist Dan: Food has always played an important part in life's rituals. The breaking of bread, the last meal of the condemned man - and now the 99cent tacos at Del Taco! Only 99cents with slow cooked meat and beans and topped off with cheese! They're delicious! And at this amazingly low price of only 99cents you can buy like tons! So buy tacos from Del Taco! NOW!
(Meanwhile, in the dining rooms Geri and Lestat are walking around filling everyone's glass with red wine, while Frank is using a turkey slicer to cut up well, a turkey.)
Frank: A toast. To absent friends.
Everyone: Absent friends.
Frank: Oh, and Taylor. *starts to sing* Happy Birthday to you, (everyone joins in) happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear Taylor . . . happy (Frank stops and takes a sip of wine while everyone slowly stops, rather confused) birth . . .day . . . to . . . yo . . . u . . .
Keanu: (now conscious) I came here to discuss Bruce.
Niki: Brucey!
Frank: (revving the turkey slicer) That's a rather tender subject. Another slice anyone?
Niki: Excuse me . . . (She goes to her room and starts to scream bloody murder.)
Keanu: (speaking to Taylor) I knew he was in a bad crowd, but is was worse than I imagined. Aliens.
(Taylor's jaw drops, food sprays out a bit.)
Isaac: Keanu!
Frank: Go on Keanu. Or should I say, Bill S. Preston Esquire?
Isaac: Just what exactly are you implying?
Keanu or should we say Bill S. Preston Esquire: That's alright Isaac.
(Keanu-er Bill suddenly breaks into song. Niki comes running out of her room with a club and whaps him over the head shouting, "Whap I say! And whap I say again! I'll teach this young hooligan some lessons!!" She then bows and goes back into her room.)
Frank: She just screwed up the whole movie.
Stephanie: Oh well! (Dives for Taylor.)
Frank: Well that works!
(Frank stands up looking utterly distressed and superiorly pissed off. Grabbing the table cloth he whips the whole thing from the table. Everyone looks to see what he revealed. Clint Moffatt prances and frolics out from the table showering everyone with goodness and flowers followed by a 'homo'cidal Scott Moffatt wielding a knife. He lunges for Taylor but winds up hitting his head on a table corner, rendering him unconscious. Everyone stares at each other in shock. A few cooing noises are heard from the table. Upon inspecting it, everyone finds a Dave Moffatt cuddling with a koala. Screaming like a loony, Stephanie hides her face in Taylor's chest for protection from the horrible sight.)
Frank: Oh Taylor, how could you?
(Frank then pulls Taylor from Stephanie. Stephanie squeals and runs off like a scared rabbit. Frank chases after her singing about apple pie. Isaac grabs Keanu's wheelchair and manages to follow after them. Everyone is now up in Frank's laboratory. Isaac, Stephanie, and now a conscious Keanu/Bill is singing about Frank being a hotdog. Frank gets upset and pulls a switch, rendering all three of them as naked statues. Frank, Lestat, and Geri snicker at how tiny Taylor is. Suddenly Niki comes barging in out of nowhere.)
Niki: I told you he was tiny! I told you! I so to-
(Frank pulls the switch and Niki also becomes a naked statue.)
Frank: It's not easy having a good time. Even smiling makes my face ache. My children turn on me. Taylor's behaving just the way that Bruce did. (turning to Lestat and Geri) Do you think I made a mistake, splitting his brain between the two of them?
Geri: I grow weary of this world, when shall we return to Transylvania, huh?
Frank: Geri, I am indeed grateful to both you and your friend Lestat. You have both served me well. Loyalty such as yours shall not go unrewarded. You will discover that when the mood takes me, I can be quite generous.
Geri: Generous? What have you done that's generous?
(Jennifer Connelly appears out of nowhere.)
Jennifer: That's my line! (Frank pulls a switch, she blows up.)
Frank: Come, we are ready for the floor show.
(Cut to Criminologist Dan. Instead, a scene of an angry mob of farmers carrying pitchforks go running by the screen shouting, "PACKERS!! WOO!!" Jerry, Dan's assistant, smiles deviously holding up a movie reel, a pair of scissors, and tape. Muffled sounds of Dan are heard from the janitors closet.)
(Anyways, somewhere in the castle on a stage, Frank has dressed Niki, Taylor, Isaac and Stephanie up in fishnets, corsets, 6" pumps, feather boa's, ect. Running to nearby switch, he pulls it, causing Niki to 'come alive'. She starts to sing and dance. Next, Taylor comes alive, he starts to sing and dance (more like gyrate.) Next, Isaac starts to sing and dance and winds up showing off a lot of leg. Lastly, Stephanie comes alive only to sing and dance around like a hoochie mamma doing seductive moves. Finally they all stop, and Frank appears. He sings a sad melody then jumps into a pool. The four dancers also jump into the pool. After swimming around for a while, Frank shoots out of the pool with a loud 'rebel' yell. Everyone follows and they do a can-can dance while singing. Admist their singing, Keanu/Bill wheels himself out doing the can-can in his wheelchair. He has fishnet stockings on, along with a garter belt. During his little dance number, Lestat appears holding a ray gun. Geri is standing behind him. Frank freezes as the gun is pointed at him. Holding up his hands he shouts, "Wait! I can explain!" Frank then tells Niki to turn on some lights, for Taylor to cue the wind, and he then starts to sing about going home. Geri joins in, stripping down to a regular Spice Girl outfit. Isaac pulls a guitar out of thin air and starts to play along. Taylor's keyboards appear and he too starts to play along. Stephanie and Niki dance around like psychopaths. Lestat, thoroughly fed up with having to play a mere servant, runs off to star in his own movie, "Interview with the Vampire". Song ends soon enough.)
Frank: So what now? He's supposed to kill me.
Niki: But that would have had a sad ending!
Taylor: So?
Niki: Shut up! You would have died after him!
Stephanie: Not my Tay-Bear!
Frank: But I'm supposed to die!
Scott Moffatt: I can kill you! (Chases Frank down with a cleaver.)
Frank: (running and screaming like a little girl) AHH!! HELP ME! I DON'T WANNA DIE!!
Niki: Hey come back here! You're supposed to kill Taylor too!
Stephanie: No! Scott! You're supposed to snuggle with me!
Isaac: Niki! Don't chase after serial killers!
Keanu/Bill: Well, I guess it's just you and me Geri . . .
(Geri turns and looks at him. Pulling off one of her humungous Spice Girl shoes, she whaps him over the head - rendering him unconscious. Geri then runs after all of the other characters, shouting something about an encore.)
Criminologist Dan: (gagged up in some closet) Help me! Please! (the lights shut off) Please! I'm still in this closet!! (credits start to roll) I have a Del Taco commercial to do tomorrow! Let me out! Please?
(Sometime during the middle of the credits, a giant cleaver cuts the credits in half. Scott Moffatt appears, grinning evilly with the laughter of an evil villain. Suddenly he stops, drops the knife and appears to be in a business suit all Twilight Zone style.)
Scott: Hello, I'm Scott Moffatt and I'm here to endorse my new band, 'The Boston Post'. It stars me! And uh some other people. But most importantly, it stars me! Me! Me! Me! M-
(A blank screen appears. 'Please Standby' is written above it in big red letters.)
Photographer 1: Here they come!
Photographer 2: Let's get a picture - close together now. The parents and then the grandparents. All the close family. Hold that. Beautiful. And . . . Love the camera!!!
(snap)
Photographer 1: Supa! Dats supa!!
Adam: I just got married!! Woo!!
(In the background: an angry mob of farmers carrying pitchforks go running by the wedding shouting, "PACKERS!! WOO!!")
Isaac: Um, yeah. *Looks confused about the angry mob of farmers carrying pitchforks, then turns back to Adam.* You and Megan have been almost inseparable since you met during Spring Break last year.
Adam: Well, to tell you the truth Isaac, that's the only reason I showed up in the first place! That and I was forced to.
(Behind them.)
Megan: Okay you guys, this is it . . .
Adam: Well, looks like Betty's going to throw the bouquet -
(Megan throws her bouquet. All the females and a familiar looking Moffatt dives for the flowers. Clint (the familiar looking Moffatt) and Stephanie fight over the bouquet. Stephanie is the triumphant one, detaching the bouquet from Clint's grasp and running away like a mad woman.)
Stephanie: *laughing psychotically* I got it! I got the bouquet!!
Adam: Hey big fella . . . looks like it could be your turn next, huh?
(Adam elbows Isaac in the side in a friendly way giving him a knowing smile.)
Isaac: Who knows . . .?
Adam: Well, so long, see you Isaac. We'd better get going Megan, hop in.
(Adam and Megan get into a white Dodge truck and start to drive away. As the drive away all the wedding guests leave. Only Isaac and Stephanie are left, talking amongst themselves.)
Stephanie: Oh Isaac, wasn't it just absolutely wonderful? Didn't Megan look radiantly beautiful? Oh I can't believe it, just an hour ago she was plain old Megan Lewis and now . . . now she's Mrs. Adam Drake!
Isaac: Yes Stephanie, Adam's a lucky guy.
Stephanie: Yes.
Isaac: Everyone knows Megan's a wild child. She'll be keeping him pretty busy.
Stephanie: Yes.
Isaac: And Adam, he'll have to wind her down just a bit.
Stephanie: Yes.
Isaac: *yelling* My god woman! Don't you say anything other than 'yes'???
Stephanie: Yes.
(Homicidal look comes into Isaac's eyes.)
Stephanie: Sorry, wasn't really paying any attention to you.
Isaac: *defeated look* Right. Anyways, Stephanie?
Stephanie: Yes Isaac?
Isaac: I've got something to say.
Stephanie: Uh huh . . .
Isaac: I really loved the skilful way . . . you beat the other girls - er and guys - to the bride's bouquet!
(They sing a long song about how much they love each other, blah blah blah no one cares. A different angry mob of farmers carrying pitchforks go running by as they sing shouting, "PACKERS!! WOO!!")
(Isaac and Stephanie get engaged and decide to go on a road trip to visit some friends. They leave.)
(Different scene. We are now in an office, somewhat resembling a library. A man sits in a swivel chair behind a desk. Zooming in, he turns around, facing the camera.)
Criminologist Dan: I would like, if I may, to take you on a strange journey.
(In the background you can hear Dan's assistant, Jerry, singing something about grilling chicken fresh every hour. A spatula, with eyes, flies past Dan's head.)
Criminologist Dan: *shouting* Stop it Jerry! I thought I had you locked up in your cage!! *looks back at the camera, clearing his throat* Eh, hello. It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Isaac Hanson and his fiancée Stephanie Mitchell left late that November evening to visit a few friends. It was true there were dark storm clouds, heavy, black, and pendulous, towards which they were driving. It's true also that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need of some air. But they, being normal kids on a night out, were not going to let a storm spoil the events of their evening. On a night out. It was a night out they were going to remember . . . for a very . . . long . . . time. Or until one of them gets hit in the head with a flying spatula. *gives a death glare to Jerry*
(New scene. In a car with Isaac and Stephanie.)
Stephanie: Gosh, that's the *counts on her fingers* uh third, no fifth, motorcyclist that's passed us. They sure do take their lives in their hands, what with the weather and all.
Isaac: Yes Stephanie, life's pretty cheap to that type. Stephanie: What type?
Isaac: Nevermind.
(Ahead them the road is blocked off. Isaac slowly comes to a stop.)
Isaac: Hmm. We must have taken a wrong turn a few miles back. We'll just have to turn back. *puts car in reverse, loud bang goes off*
Stephanie: What was that bang?
Isaac: It must have been a blowout. Damn it! *hits dashboard, it breaks* I knew I should have gotten that spare tire fixed. Well, let's go get some help.
Stephanie: I'm not getting out in the middle of nowhere! Where will you go??
Isaac: Didn't we pass a castle back down the road a few miles? Maybe they'll have a telephone for us to use. Now common. I'm not leaving you here.
(Grumbling, Stephanie reluctantly gets out of the car, following Isaac closely.)
(On the way to the castle they sing a song about the rain. Joygasm.)
Criminologist Dan: And so it seemed that fortune had smiled upon Isaac and Stephanie, and that they had found the assistance that their plight required. Or had they? I mean what if spatulas attack them once they arrive at this castle? You just never know.
(Isaac and Stephanie arrive at large and spooky house.)
Stephanie: Oh Isaac, let's go back! I'm cold and I'm frightened.
Isaac: Just a moment Stephanie, they may have a telephone. *Isaac knocks on door as the door opens.*
Lestat: Well, bonjour mon chéri.
Stephanie: *much happier and now bouncier* Hi!
Isaac: Um yeah, hi. I'm Isaac Hanson and this is my fiancée Stephanie Mitchell. I wonder if you might help us - you see our car broke down a few miles back . . . do you have a phone we might use?
Lestat: *grinning devious* I might be able to arrange that. Come along.
Isaac: You're too kind.
Stephanie: Oh Isaac! I'm frightened! What sort of place is this?
Isaac: It's just probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdos.
Lestat: This way.
(Loud noises, sounding a whole lot like a party can be heard.)
Stephanie: Are you having a party?
Lestat: You've arrived on a rather special night. It's one of the master's affairs.
Stephanie: Oh. Lucky him.
(Behind them, on the stairway stands Geri. She's made up in a cutesy maid's outfit. Hopping onto the banister she slides down.)
Geri: He's lucky, I'm lucky, you're lucky, we're all lucky!
(Lestat and Geri do a little sing and dance number together. It's nice, it's wonderful. We're introduced to all the singing and dancing Transylvanians. Some chick named Niki does a tap dance.)
Stephanie: Say something Isaac.
Isaac: Say! Do any of you guys know how to Madison?
(Transylvanian #11, Niki's mother (Mrs. Kline), raises her hand jumping up and down frantically.)
Mrs. Kline: Oh I do! I do!!
PeeWee Herman: Me too! Want to see?
(All the Transylvanians shout, 'No!')
Bob: I can break dance!
Kim: Shut up Bob!
(She throws a string cheese in some distant direction, he runs after it like an obedient dog. Kelly Blackford (the beached whale), Zac Hanson, and the Movie Geek also chase after the string cheese. These poor food deprived people. *Except for Kelly.*)
Raksha: Okay, that was weird.
Orlando: Yeah, I agree. Who wants to go get some 7Up or something with me?
Josh: Me!!
Raksha: You're not invited.
(Josh sulks and runs away crying. Serves him right, he shaved off his beautiful blonde hair to become bald.)
Old Titanic Lady: I'm old.
John: Dude, that's not in the script!
Old Titanic Lady: I'm really old.
John: Get her off stage! She's old!
Old Titanic Lady: I'M OLD!!!
(Le Petite Princesse starts to dial 9-1-1.)
Carrot Top: Dial 1-800-COLLECT!!
(Medics come to take Old Titanic Lady away. Noticing the camera is filming they decide to dazzle us with medical procedures. Somehow they wind up killing PeeWee Herman.)
Carrot Top: We should have dialed 1-800-COLLECT!! We could have saved a buck or two!
(All the Transylvanians *Or what's left of them.* yell for him to shut up. Savannah goes insane and mauls Carrot Top. Le Petite Princesse has to call the medics again. Carrot Top continues to yell about 1-800-COLLECT while Savannah is held back by Robert. When the medics leave for the second time only Frodo, Man in the Iron Mask, Mrs. Kline, Kim, Raksha, Orlando, John, and Le Petite Princesse is left.)
Orlando: Anybody still up for a 7Up?
(Everyone except for Frodo leaves. (How could he? I mean he's a cardboard cutout!) Isaac and Stephanie are somewhat dumbfounded by what has just happened and slowly starts to back away.)
Stephanie: Isaac, please, let's get out of here. It seems so unhealthy here . . .
Isaac: For God's sake get a grip on yourself Stephanie! It's just a party.
Stephanie: I want to go.
Isaac: Well, we can't go anywhere until I get to a phone.
Stephanie: Then ask the butler or someone.
Isaac: Just a moment Stephanie, we don't want to interfere with the celebrations.
Stephanie: Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared!
Isaac: *sounding macho* I'm here, there's nothing to worry about.
(Behind Stephanie, a man dressed in fishnets, high heels, and makeup struts up to them. He's your regular transvestite. Stephanie screams. This transvestite (Dr. Frank-N-Furter) starts to sing and dance about being a 'Sweet Transvestite'. The remaining Transylvanian claps (or well, whatever a cardboard cutout can do) and is led to the Frank's lab. Geri and Lestat start to strip Isaac and Stephanie down to their undergarments.)
Niki: Slowly, slowly, it's too nice of a job to rush! *she winks at Isaac*
Isaac: Hi, my name's Isaac Hanson and this is my fiancée, Stephanie Mitchell. And you are . . .
Niki: Niki. You're very lucky to be invited up to Frank's laboratory. Some people would give their right arm for the privilege.
Isaac: People like you, maybe . . .
Niki: Ha! I've seen it and a bit more at that!
Geri: Come along, the master doesn't like to be kept waiting.
(Everyone is shoved into an elevator. Arrive upon the top floor, everyone is let out. Frank walks up to them.)
Frank: Geri. Niki. Go and assist Lestat. I will entertain . . . *he smiles at Isaac and Stephanie*
Isaac: Isaac Hanson. And this is my fiancée Stephanie Mitchell.
Frank: Enchanté. *he kisses Stephanie's hand* How nice. And what charming underclothes you both have. But here. Put these on. They'll make you feel less . . . vulnerable. *he hands them each a robe* It's not often we receive visitors here - let alone offer them hospitality.
Isaac: *angry* Hospitality? All we wanted to do was to use your telephone, Goddamn it, a reasonable request which you have chosen to ignore.
Stephanie: Isaac don't be ungrateful -
Isaac: Ungrateful!
Frank: How forceful you are Isaac. Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So . . . dominant. You must be awfully proud of him, Stephanie.
Stephanie: Well, uh . . .
Frank: Do you have any tattoos, Isaac?
Isaac: Certainly not.
Frank: Oh well, how about you?
(Stephanie smiles and giggles shaking her head no. Lestat walks up.)
Lestat: Everything is in readiness, master. We merely await your word.
Frank: Tonight, my uh cardboard cutout, you are to witness a new breakthrough in biochemical research, and paradise is to be mine.
(Frank drones on for half an hour how he made this creature.)
Frank: Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator and step up the reactor power input three more points.
(A mummified man comes out of a giant fish tank shaking. Geri and Niki run with scissors to unwrap him. Everyone watches as Frank's creature is revealed. Once he is revealed he shows off his stuff and starts to sing and dance. This carries on for a bit.)
Frank: Well really, that's no way to behave on your first day out. But seeing as you're such an exceptional beauty . . . I am prepared to forgive you. Oh I just love success.
Lestat: He's a credit to your genius, master.
Geri: A triumph of your will.
Niki: He's okay.
Frank: Okay? Okay?? I think we can do better than that. Isaac, Stephanie, what do you think of him?
Stephanie: He's gorgeous . . . *she drools on herself*
Isaac: Shh, that's not the line! Say the correct line!
Stephanie: *snapping out of it* Oh um, I don't like men with too many muscles.
Niki: Like he's got any muscles!
(The creature shoots Niki an evil glare. She sticks her tongue out at him.)
Frank: Well, I didn't make him for either of you! He carries the Charles Atlas seal of approval!
(Frank starts to sing another song this one about making his creature into a man. We find out the creature's name is Taylor. Right as the song ends, the deep freeze freezer light lights up and it opens. Bruce Campbell comes riding out of the freezer on a Harley.)
Frank: Oh no!
Niki: Brucey!!
(Bruce sings and rides around on his motorcycle. Him and Niki have a bit of a playful flirt session before Frank becomes enraged and kills Bruce. Niki screams bloody murder.)
Frank: One from the vaults.
Taylor: Ugh.
Frank: Oh baby! Don't be upset . . . it was a mercy killing. He had a certain naïve charm, but . . . no muscle!
Taylor: Ugh.
(Frank sings another song about making Taylor into a man and drags him off to a bridal suite. No one really wants to know what a transvestite and his 'creature' are doing.)
Criminologist Dan: There are those who say that life is an illusion, and that reality as we know it is simply a figment of the imagination . . . Okay, who wrote this crap? I mean how could life be an illusion? Life is reality! Reality is Del Taco! Go to Del Taco! Buy my tacos!! Obey me!!!
Audience: MUST OBEY THE TACO MAN!!
(Everyone reading this leaves and goes to Del Taco for 99cent tacos. A few hours pass and finally, once everyone is full and not brainwashed, they return to finish reading this story.)
Criminologist Dan: Ah, so did we enjoy the tacos?
Audience: Tacos good. We love tacos!
Criminologist Dan: That is good my taco followers. Now, let's get on with the story. Where'd we leave off?
Jerry: We grill our chicken fresh every hour!!
Criminologist Dan: Shut up Jerry! Anyways, um, Isaac and Stephanie are safe because the tacos are protecting them or something. Hmm, ah yes. Both Isaac and Stephanie are apprehensive and uneasy since they were shown to their own separate rooms. Let's check in on one of them . . .
(Noises out side of Isaac's room are heard.)
Isaac: Who is it? Who's there?
Stephanie: It's only me Stephanie.
Isaac: Oh Stephanie darling, come in. Oh Stephanie.
(Stephanie gets into bed with Isaac, snuggling with him.)
Stephanie: Oh kiss me darling.
(They kiss. Isaac is running his hands through her silky hair as the wig comes off revealing it to be Niki instead.)
Isaac: Oh, oh, oh - it's YOU! You're not supposed to be here. Where's Frank?
Niki: Um, he's detained or something, so I'll just have to do. Now lemme say my line.
Isaac: Alright.
Niki: I'm afraid so Isaac. But isn't it nice?
(Niki kisses Isaac's chest.)
Isaac: Oh, you beast, you monster. What have you done with Stephanie?
Niki: Nothing, why? Do you think I should?
Isaac: You tricked me! I wouldn't have. I'd never, never, never . . .
Niki: Yes I know, but it isn't all bad . . . not even half bad. I think you really quite enjoyed it . . .
Isaac: Oh, stop, stop, no, Stephanie!
Niki: Stephanie will probably be asleep by now. Do you want her to see you like this?
(Niki grabs a hold of Isaac's legs and brings them up into the air - eagle spread.)
Isaac: Like this, like how?
Niki: Like this!
Isaac: It's your fault, you're to blame.
Niki: Yes, yes I know. But it isn't all bad, is it? Admit it, you really found it quite pleasurable. There's no crime in giving yourself over to pleasure . . . Oh Isaac we've wasted so much time already. Stephanie needn't know, I won't tell her.
Isaac: Well, promise you won't tell?
Niki: Cross my heart and hope to die.
Isaac: Well this is a lot better than Frank!
(Niki dives for Isaac and they have a um good time and all that pornographic stuff we shouldn't be talking about now.)
(Upstairs in the lab Lestat and Geri are cleaning up. Lestat walks up to Taylor with a torch and tries to light the bed he's laying on fire. Taylor screams like a girl and runs away.)
Lestat: Master, Taylor has broken the chains and vanished. The new playmate is loose and somewhere in the building. Geri has just released the dogs.
Frank: *shaving his legs* Oh no!
(Stephanie has wandered out of her room and into the lab. Lestat and Geri are no where to be found. They must have left or something to that extent. Whimpering noises are heard from a bed nearby. *I know what you must be thinking. A bed in a laboratory? Well it can happen!!*)
Stephanie: Who's there?
Taylor: Ugh.
Stephanie: *finding Taylor scuffed up on the bed half naked* You're hurt! Did they do this to you?
(Taylor nods.)
Stephanie: Here, I'll dress your wounds. *She rips her slip off and starts to 'dress his wounds'.*
Criminologist Dan: Well this is getting interesting!
(Stephanie continues to slowly rip the clothing from her to dress Taylor's wounds. After a while she starts to sing a song about wanting him to touch her. Sex ensues.)
(Frank has finally finished shaving. Frank, Lestat, Isaac, and Niki are coming up the elevator into the lab. Frank is carrying a whip and beating Lestat.)
Lestat: Mercy!
Frank: How did it happen? I told you to be watching him!
Lestat: I was only away for a minute, master.
Frank: Well see if you can find him on the monitor.
Lestat: Master, we have a visitor.
Isaac: Hey, it's Keanu Reeves!!!
Lestat: You know this mort - this . . . person?
Isaac: I certainly do. He happens to be an old friend of mine.
(Frank, Lestat, and Niki gag profusively.)
Lestat: The intruder is entering the building.
Frank: Then he'll probably be in . . .the Zen Room! Shall we enquire of him in person?
(Frank pulls a lever on the wall. Keanu comes crashing in through the laboratory wall in a wheelchair.)
Isaac: Keanu!
Niki: EVIL!!
Keanu: Dr. Frank-N-Furter. We meet at last.
Frank: Unfortunately. *silence ensues*
Frank: So um, what do you want?
Keanu: Oh, I just stopped by to say hello.
Niki: Well you've said hello, now say goodbye! *She grabs Frank's highheeled shoe and whaps him over the head.* Whap I say! And whap I say again! I'll teach this young hooligan some lessons!!
Isaac: Calm! He's just a harmless actor.
Niki and Lestat: So?
(Noises are heard from the bed. Everyone, except Keanu (since he's unconscious) goes to inspect it. Frank rips back the covers to reveal his playmate and Stephanie.)
Frank: Oh!
Isaac: Niki!
Niki: Stephanie!
Stephanie: Niki!
Isaac: Stephanie!
Stephanie: Isaac!
Frank: Taylor!
Taylor: Ugh!
Isaac: Niki!
Niki: Stephanie!
Stephanie: Niki!
Isaac: Stephanie!
Stephanie: Isaac!
Frank: Taylor!
Taylor: What's my line??
(Someone off the set yells, "Ugh!")
Taylor: Oh yeah. Um, 'Ugh!'
Frank: Listen, I made you, and I can break you just as easily.
Geri: *holding a gong* Master, dinner is prepared!
Frank: Excellent! Under the circumstances, formal dress is to be optional. *Frank stalks off in a snooty manner.*
Criminologist Dan: Food has always played an important part in life's rituals. The breaking of bread, the last meal of the condemned man - and now the 99cent tacos at Del Taco! Only 99cents with slow cooked meat and beans and topped off with cheese! They're delicious! And at this amazingly low price of only 99cents you can buy like tons! So buy tacos from Del Taco! NOW!
(Meanwhile, in the dining rooms Geri and Lestat are walking around filling everyone's glass with red wine, while Frank is using a turkey slicer to cut up well, a turkey.)
Frank: A toast. To absent friends.
Everyone: Absent friends.
Frank: Oh, and Taylor. *starts to sing* Happy Birthday to you, (everyone joins in) happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear Taylor . . . happy (Frank stops and takes a sip of wine while everyone slowly stops, rather confused) birth . . .day . . . to . . . yo . . . u . . .
Keanu: (now conscious) I came here to discuss Bruce.
Niki: Brucey!
Frank: (revving the turkey slicer) That's a rather tender subject. Another slice anyone?
Niki: Excuse me . . . (She goes to her room and starts to scream bloody murder.)
Keanu: (speaking to Taylor) I knew he was in a bad crowd, but is was worse than I imagined. Aliens.
(Taylor's jaw drops, food sprays out a bit.)
Isaac: Keanu!
Frank: Go on Keanu. Or should I say, Bill S. Preston Esquire?
Isaac: Just what exactly are you implying?
Keanu or should we say Bill S. Preston Esquire: That's alright Isaac.
(Keanu-er Bill suddenly breaks into song. Niki comes running out of her room with a club and whaps him over the head shouting, "Whap I say! And whap I say again! I'll teach this young hooligan some lessons!!" She then bows and goes back into her room.)
Frank: She just screwed up the whole movie.
Stephanie: Oh well! (Dives for Taylor.)
Frank: Well that works!
(Frank stands up looking utterly distressed and superiorly pissed off. Grabbing the table cloth he whips the whole thing from the table. Everyone looks to see what he revealed. Clint Moffatt prances and frolics out from the table showering everyone with goodness and flowers followed by a 'homo'cidal Scott Moffatt wielding a knife. He lunges for Taylor but winds up hitting his head on a table corner, rendering him unconscious. Everyone stares at each other in shock. A few cooing noises are heard from the table. Upon inspecting it, everyone finds a Dave Moffatt cuddling with a koala. Screaming like a loony, Stephanie hides her face in Taylor's chest for protection from the horrible sight.)
Frank: Oh Taylor, how could you?
(Frank then pulls Taylor from Stephanie. Stephanie squeals and runs off like a scared rabbit. Frank chases after her singing about apple pie. Isaac grabs Keanu's wheelchair and manages to follow after them. Everyone is now up in Frank's laboratory. Isaac, Stephanie, and now a conscious Keanu/Bill is singing about Frank being a hotdog. Frank gets upset and pulls a switch, rendering all three of them as naked statues. Frank, Lestat, and Geri snicker at how tiny Taylor is. Suddenly Niki comes barging in out of nowhere.)
Niki: I told you he was tiny! I told you! I so to-
(Frank pulls the switch and Niki also becomes a naked statue.)
Frank: It's not easy having a good time. Even smiling makes my face ache. My children turn on me. Taylor's behaving just the way that Bruce did. (turning to Lestat and Geri) Do you think I made a mistake, splitting his brain between the two of them?
Geri: I grow weary of this world, when shall we return to Transylvania, huh?
Frank: Geri, I am indeed grateful to both you and your friend Lestat. You have both served me well. Loyalty such as yours shall not go unrewarded. You will discover that when the mood takes me, I can be quite generous.
Geri: Generous? What have you done that's generous?
(Jennifer Connelly appears out of nowhere.)
Jennifer: That's my line! (Frank pulls a switch, she blows up.)
Frank: Come, we are ready for the floor show.
(Cut to Criminologist Dan. Instead, a scene of an angry mob of farmers carrying pitchforks go running by the screen shouting, "PACKERS!! WOO!!" Jerry, Dan's assistant, smiles deviously holding up a movie reel, a pair of scissors, and tape. Muffled sounds of Dan are heard from the janitors closet.)
(Anyways, somewhere in the castle on a stage, Frank has dressed Niki, Taylor, Isaac and Stephanie up in fishnets, corsets, 6" pumps, feather boa's, ect. Running to nearby switch, he pulls it, causing Niki to 'come alive'. She starts to sing and dance. Next, Taylor comes alive, he starts to sing and dance (more like gyrate.) Next, Isaac starts to sing and dance and winds up showing off a lot of leg. Lastly, Stephanie comes alive only to sing and dance around like a hoochie mamma doing seductive moves. Finally they all stop, and Frank appears. He sings a sad melody then jumps into a pool. The four dancers also jump into the pool. After swimming around for a while, Frank shoots out of the pool with a loud 'rebel' yell. Everyone follows and they do a can-can dance while singing. Admist their singing, Keanu/Bill wheels himself out doing the can-can in his wheelchair. He has fishnet stockings on, along with a garter belt. During his little dance number, Lestat appears holding a ray gun. Geri is standing behind him. Frank freezes as the gun is pointed at him. Holding up his hands he shouts, "Wait! I can explain!" Frank then tells Niki to turn on some lights, for Taylor to cue the wind, and he then starts to sing about going home. Geri joins in, stripping down to a regular Spice Girl outfit. Isaac pulls a guitar out of thin air and starts to play along. Taylor's keyboards appear and he too starts to play along. Stephanie and Niki dance around like psychopaths. Lestat, thoroughly fed up with having to play a mere servant, runs off to star in his own movie, "Interview with the Vampire". Song ends soon enough.)
Frank: So what now? He's supposed to kill me.
Niki: But that would have had a sad ending!
Taylor: So?
Niki: Shut up! You would have died after him!
Stephanie: Not my Tay-Bear!
Frank: But I'm supposed to die!
Scott Moffatt: I can kill you! (Chases Frank down with a cleaver.)
Frank: (running and screaming like a little girl) AHH!! HELP ME! I DON'T WANNA DIE!!
Niki: Hey come back here! You're supposed to kill Taylor too!
Stephanie: No! Scott! You're supposed to snuggle with me!
Isaac: Niki! Don't chase after serial killers!
Keanu/Bill: Well, I guess it's just you and me Geri . . .
(Geri turns and looks at him. Pulling off one of her humungous Spice Girl shoes, she whaps him over the head - rendering him unconscious. Geri then runs after all of the other characters, shouting something about an encore.)
Criminologist Dan: (gagged up in some closet) Help me! Please! (the lights shut off) Please! I'm still in this closet!! (credits start to roll) I have a Del Taco commercial to do tomorrow! Let me out! Please?
(Sometime during the middle of the credits, a giant cleaver cuts the credits in half. Scott Moffatt appears, grinning evilly with the laughter of an evil villain. Suddenly he stops, drops the knife and appears to be in a business suit all Twilight Zone style.)
Scott: Hello, I'm Scott Moffatt and I'm here to endorse my new band, 'The Boston Post'. It stars me! And uh some other people. But most importantly, it stars me! Me! Me! Me! M-
(A blank screen appears. 'Please Standby' is written above it in big red letters.)