GINNY'S DIARY (continued)
FRIDAY
Here comes another weekend. I know I haven't written for a while. I should have done it sooner. They say that seventy five percent of people who keep a diary have something missing in their lives. Well, there's been nothing missing from my life for the past few months, and that's why I haven't been keeping it up to date. Why write anything when there's nothing to say? Do I say everything's fine? That I'm happy? I think I'd better explain.
The last time I wrote anything, I couldn't wait to have a detention with Harry. Even though I was trying to distance myself from him, I couldn't get him off my mind. And I really couldn't wait for detention with him! The night before, I went to bed thinking about it. I tossed and turned, practising what I was going to say to him, telling myself I would not blush, and I'd do anything to make him interested in me, even if it meant pretending not to be interested in him. I remember falling asleep in a really good mood and quite proud of myself. But it always turns out that whenever you prepare what you want to say ahead of time or you want something to happen in a certain way, it never works out the way you planned. Nothing worked. I went to detention, I was alone with Snape, then Harry got there… late. He looked at me once; he barely smiled, and we were alone together, and nothing happened. All that planning for nothing.
In that moment, I felt completely empty inside and so sad… OK, so maybe I'm over-dramatising it a bit, but I really felt bad! I was sadder than sad. I'd had such high hopes and less than nothing happened. You could say it was my fault because I've always waited for him to make the first move, that he'd want me for who I am. But I wasn't the girl he wanted. I found that out very quickly when I ran into them… The two of them, hand in hand. I didn't know who the girl was, only that she was a Hufflepuff in Harry's year. Every time I saw them, I wanted to slap both of them. I'd wasted a lot of time dreaming about him, and he didn't give a damn. OH, OK, so he wasn't aware of my feelings! Well, he could have noticed… Or maybe he did and didn't say anything. That's the worst part of it. He ignored me. Maybe he said to himself, "If I don't say or do anything, she'll forget about me." What a stupid git!
Anyway, I don't care. That's all in the past. I haven't thought about him for weeks… Well, maybe I did, a little, but I've stopped being jealous now. Yes, I was jealous, but not because I was in love with Harry. Who can say they love someone at the age of sixteen? I was jealous of that Hufflepuff because she was with him and I wasn't. That's it. Seriously… But I've got over that now!
--
MONDAY
I'm so stupid. I should have explained last Friday why I haven't been writing. Why I've been happy. Well, I've been going round with a group of girls lately, and I really feel I can be myself with them. I don't have to hide anything from them. I can say what I think. Ron has told me I'm back to being the Ginny he knew when we were younger, the one who knew what she was talking about, the one who was sure of herself. I think what made me the happiest was when he told me I was a true Gryffindor in front of everyone at supper. Ever since I first came to Hogwarts, I've always wondered why I was sorted into this house. And now I know! I know, know, well, I know I'm a Gryffindor. It was something inside me.
Isn't it great when you finally realise you don't need a boyfriend to be happy!
--
WEDNESDAY
I can't believe what I wrote on Monday! What an idiot I am! You don't need a boyfriend to be happy? Sometimes I wonder if I'm not barking mad. It was a stupid thing to say; everyone knows that love makes the world go round. Oh, I'm being really philosophical there… And I'm terrible at philosophy. It was never my thing.
Getting back to the point, I'm sixteen, and I'm alone. Sometimes I wonder who will be the first boy I go out with. And whether I've already met my future husband. I wonder who it is, and I really hope I haven't met him yet, because I don't like any of the boys I have met. Yes, we all know Ginny is going to write except for Harry. No, there's no exceptions. Forget Harry. He's panting all over that Hufflepuff. (OK, so that's not very nice, but he deserves it.)
Sometimes I tell myself I'll be there for Harry to pick up the pieces when she dumps him. I'm such a saint. I think I need a reality check!
--
FRIDAY
I don't know… I think I must be a seer! Really! I can't believe what's happening, and that it's happening to me! I'd better explain.
Just now in the Gryffindor common room, I was peacefully reading a nice little romance novel… So what? I'm a romantic. I'm not afraid to say it. Even if I did hide my romance novel in my History of Magic text, which is so much less interesting. Hee hee…
So let's not get stuck on the details. I was reading. (I can't believe how much I repeat myself.) All right, I'm getting there… I'm all excited, so of course I can't get straight to the point. SO, I was saying the day before yesterday that if that Hufflepuff dumped Harry I'd be there to pick up the pieces. AND… that's just what happened! Well… OK I need to explain a bit more. I didn't get Harry back (OK, so I never had him to begin with, I know that), but I overheard a conversation between Hermione and Ron. Hermione was saying the Hufflepuff did something she shouldn't have with another Hufflepuff. Lots of huffing and puffing… This sounds like the "Three Little Pigs".
OK, so something they shouldn't have been doing at our age, well, it can't be all that much, can it? So I guess all they were doing was kissing, after all. And it looks like everyone knew about it except Harry, of course. So I'm thinking why not me? I mean, I could be there to make him feel better like I'd planned. I didn't think it would ever happen, but there's these rumours now, so maybe I'll have my chance!
--
SATURDAY
Here we go again! I'm in over my head! I think sometimes I should just mind my own business. Even if I got what I wanted, it was so sad to see Harry's face when Ron told him. I was there, but I wanted to hide. I was ashamed. Ashamed that I'd wanted him to be hurt. It wasn't his fault, after all.
When Ron left, Harry just stared at his hands. And that's when I should have left, but I couldn't. Harry was pretty mean to me. But it wasn't my fault. I didn't know I was having a premonition. And he took it out on me!
"What are you doing there? It's obvious you knew about this, too, and you didn't say anything to me!"
I kept telling him that it wasn't my place to say anything, but he didn't want to listen. I tried to tell him (in spite of myself) that maybe the rumours weren't true, or maybe his Hufflepuff was sorry for what she'd done. That he needed to talk to her. And he wasn't nice to me at all, and I was trying to make him feel better, the git!
"What do you know about it anyway? You've never had a boyfriend!"
I got up. And I give him my most scornful death glare… I think. If he wanted to be mad at the Hufflepuff, fine. But he shouldn't take it out on me! I haven't ever done anything to him!
When he said that to me, he made his choice. From that moment on, he'd never have anything from me. From that moment on, I was going to forget he even existed!
--
SATURDAY EVENING
I think I spoke too soon… I was thinking everything over in the library… Nice way to spend a Saturday evening, isn't it? And I saw Harry coming over. I got up, picked up my books, and I ran to hide in the stacks. Like a prat, Harry was coming to see me. He followed me and caught me up. And then he mumbled something like…
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have…"
I pretended not to hear. I'm so proud of myself!
"This whole story…" He kept going, saying he'd had a bad day… Really! That's just too much! His problems with the Hufflepuff are no excuse for his behaviour. What he said to me was mean! And what does he know about my life?
"Harry, I really don't care! Really! I don't give a damn about your problems. You had no right to say what you did to me. You don't know me, and you don't know anything about my life. So just keep ignoring me like you always have, and I'll do the exact same thing to you!"
So? What do you think? That was good, wasn't it? Well… That's what I would like to have said to him… What I really said to him was, "It's all right." Which is the same thing as saying, "There goes all your self-respect, Ginny!"
It's terrible to not be able to come up with the right come-back. I was hacked off with myself as soon as I'd said it. I'd let him win! I looked right into his eyes and let him know that I forgave him and that he could always count on me!
Don't bother telling me, I already know I'm an idiot!
--
SUNDAY
So here I am, still an idiot when it comes to Harry. Sometimes I think that if he didn't exist I'd have found someone a long time ago and I'd be happy. Yes, even if I am only sixteen!
--
MONDAY
I have nothing to say.
--
TUESDAY
I still have nothing to say.
--
WEDNESDAY
It's not the next day, it's two weeks later… Meaning it's been two weeks since Harry and the Hufflepuff made it up. The worst of it is, he came up to me and said, "Ginny, thanks to you, I had the nerve to go up and ask her what was going on." How pathetic! He's pathetic to throw himself at her like that when she was the one who hurt him. She did it once; she'll do it again. It always works out that way.
I don't feel like doing anything at the moment. That girl's hypocrisy makes me sick. I feel like going to give her a piece of my mind. I want her to know what I think of her!
But let's be realistic, Ginny. You know you'll never say anything to her, you'll stay here in your corner and brood. That's all there is to it!
--
Wednesday A few hours later…
Argh ! Harry has just told me that the Hufflepuff never did anything with that other boy, and Hermione confirmed it for me. Now they have every reason in the world to stay together. That makes me even sicker. To know I blew it, to know they're still together. Why does my life revolve around them? Around him?
--
MONDAY
It's panic time! There's only one month left before exams, and I'm living in the library. I think my fingers are getting worn out from turning pages… I have a painful callous on my finger from all this writing. Yesterday, Harry came to see me, asking me if I needed help with certain subjects, the ones he was good at… I said yes. Why not? After all, maybe he really will be able to help me, who knows, and I'll get better marks.
--
TUESDAY, one week later.
I don't know what's going on with Harry, but I can't concentrate on revising when he's around. I think I'm going to have to tell him I don't need his help. He won't stop bothering me! He's driving me nuts! And of course he laughs about it. He thinks he's clever, but I'm wasting my time. I'm going to end up telling him to get on with his own studies!
--
THURSDAY
I don't know what to think anymore. I have the feeling Harry is getting closer to me, and yet he's still with his girlfriend. I don't understand it. Or maybe I'm imagining things. Like he's interested in me. But then I see how he reacts to me, and I want to kill him. He doesn't make any sort of kind gesture towards me, but he's constantly seeking me out. We tease each other and it makes me wonder. It's like Ron and Hermione all over again. But nothing happens. He doesn't make a move, and neither do I. But I want to! OK! I need to concentrate on my exams.
--
FRIDAY
Marks are going to be posted in a few hours. I'm afraid for my Potions result. I made a complete mess of that one. I'm panicking! HELLLLLLPPP ! ! !
Well, it's too late now. I can't go back and change anything. I'd love to be able to go back… At least I'd know which subject would be my downfall. I know I can't do it, but it would be nice to try.
Erm… Nothing new on the Harry front. He's completely ignoring me. Not very nice, if you ask me. I thanked him for his help, and he barely smiled at me. It's his last year at Hogwarts, last exams, last few days… I keep telling myself he's feeling nostalgic, just like Ron is. He doesn't want it to end. Hermione keeps talking about the future, saying that they'll all be starting fresh.
And I still have a year to go! And then it'll be my turn to start fresh.
--
One Sunday, many years later…
I found my old diary from Hogwarts. And I don't know why, but I felt as if I should finish it. I laughed a lot as I read it over… Loads of memories, loads of mental pictures keep coming back. I never wrote in it again after the end of sixth year. And the reason why is the one I gave a certain Friday: when you're happy you don't think about writing about it. You don't worry about what's going to happen because you're living your life and it's great. You love life and you love those around you.
But today, I'm going to break that rule, because I'm happy and I'm going to write about it. I'm going to write that after years of waiting, a boy finally kissed me. And it wasn't Harry Potter. I was nineteen and I met this boy at a party. We became inseparable. My first kiss was as unforgettable and romantic as I'd always dreamed it would be: in the rain at the train station, the train leaving without him.
We went out for a long time. I learned a lot about him, but deep inside, I knew he wasn't the one. I left him; I travelled. I learned a lot in my travels, and then I came back home… to be near those I loved: my parents, my friends, and the man I loved as well. And I've stayed with him and with our children who look just like him. He's so proud of them. Today, more than anything, I love my family and I love the life I have chosen for myself.
Ginny Potter