One clear San Francisco morning, a month or so after the debriefings and hearings were complete, I am sitting on the patio of my townhouse attempting to meditate. In the far distance I hear bells. Bells? I finally realize that it is my doorbell. Someone is at my door.
"Mr. Chakotay?" asks a young Starfleet ensign. I can tell that he is nervous because he recognizes me. He is holding out an envelope, waiting to be released from his task. I look at the writing on the front and cannot place the handwriting. Hardly anyone hand writes letters anymore.
"Sir" the Ensign chirps, eager to get away and back to whatever this interrupted. I catch him after he's halfway down the sidewalk. "Where did this come from?"
"It was found in one of the guest quarters aboard Voyager. A repair team found it." With that he was off, down the block. Curious.
I turn back into my house and grab a glass of water before returning to the patio. The envelope feels heavier as I carry it, as though the weight of its words has a mass in of itself.
As I open the envelope, a faint scent escapes. Kathryn. I'd recognize her perfume anywhere.
Dearest Chakotay,
I am writing this before I go to my fate and face the Queen for one last battle and before you speed on your way back to the Alpha Quadrant. As well as I know my own heart, I know that you, all of you, will be seeing Earth soon. I hope this letter finds you before its too late. For everyone.
Ahh, it's from the Admiral. I miss her. I miss them both. I have yet to see Kathryn. After the hearings, she retreated to Indiana for a well-deserved visit with her family and I settled here, temporarily. And as of yesterday, I settled things with Seven. We mutually realized that things weren't going forward and that we were trying to hard to make a square peg fit in a round hole, so to speak. That is something I do not wish to think of at this time.
Because your Kathryn would not, will not, tell you the following, I feel that I must. I only wish that revealing this information will not hurt anyone, but help heal. Only you, though, can decide what to do with this information.
When I was a little girl.. Stop smiling Chakotay. Yes I had pigtails and skinned knees.
She knows me so well.
When I was a girl, there were two things that I knew about my life with absolute certainty. Yes, only two things, Chakotay.
I smiled, knowing full well that she always appeared to know things with absolute certainty. Even as a child I suspect.
One was that I would be in Starfleet and explore the stars. This we both know I accomplished. Did I ever explore the stars, even ones that I never envisioned.
The other was that I would someday be a mother. That someday, some small child would call me "Momma". I know that the crew is my family, my children, but there is a difference. But, then Chakotay, I was someone's mother, if only for a few months.
What! I tried to think, who, when? A small wave of sadness passes over me, for her loss and for me because I wasn't the one to fulfill that wish.
At the time, I didn't know that I was pregnant. When Daddy and Justin were killed, I was three months pregnant. I lost the baby and never realized it. I was sedated almost all the time, so my mother decided that I shouldn't be told. She thought it was for the best. She had enough connections in Starfleet to get the medical evidence suppressed. It wasn't till several years later that I found out during a routine physical, of all things. The doctor apparently didn't see the notation in my medical records to not discuss this with me.
Needless to say I was devastated and angry with my mother for keeping this from me. I became very depressed and eventually, through much encouraging by my friends and family, I received counseling. It helped, but I always wish that I still had my child with me.
I wipe the tears from my eyes, trying to fathom what she had gone through, losing so much. Kathryn has lost so much in her life. When will she get a happy ending for herself?
Mark and I never discussed having children, we never seemed to get around to it. It took so many years for him to ask me to marry him, that children just never became the next topic of discussion.
Looking back, I am relieved that Mark and I never made the mistake of getting married and having children together. We did love each other, truly. But was more like a permanent long distance romance. He did his thing; I was always off on another mission. When we were together, we were on our best behavior. Not to say we didn't disagree, but that our arguments were never passionate. Not like ours, Chakotay.
A small snicker escapes. Oh yes, if anything we do have passionate disagreements.
Back to my point, Chakotay. If I were honest, knowing everything I know now in my advanced age, the only person I could ever envision having children with is you. They would have been beautiful.
The letter falls from my hand, the weight of the words is too heavy. "Oh, Kathryn". Several minutes pass before I can resume reading.
When we were on New Earth, I knew, had we stayed, it would have happened. I dreamt of it many times. More so after we were rescued, even today.
Now you know. She should have been the one to tell you, not me. Not in this "deathbed confessional." Now you must decide. Please understand that if you and Seven are together and happy, please ignore this as the rantings of an old fool. No matter what, I just want your happiness, Chakotay. That is all I ever wanted.
It was signed "Kathryn, an old fool."
I felt the immediate need to visit my animal guide. I had many things to discuss with her.
****