"I want to know why you didn't tell me about this!" I demanded.

"Because I remember how stubborn and self-righteous I used to be," replied the Admiral. "I figured you might try to do something stupid."

I was angry that she knew me so well. "We have an opportunity to deal a crippling blow to the Borg. It could save millions of lives!"

"I didn't spend the last ten years looking for a way to get this crew home earlier so you could throw it all away on some intergalactic goodwill mission!" spat the Admiral.

I began to realize that maybe the Admiral was me from the future; only I would be so determined about the safety of my crew. "Maybe we should go back to Sickbay."

"Why, so you can have me sedated?"

"So I can have the Doctor reconfirm your identity. I refuse to believe I'll ever become as cynical as you."

The Admiral was no less exasperated. "Am I the only one experiencing déjà vu here?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Seven years ago, you had the chance to use the Caretaker's array to get Voyager home. Instead, you destroyed it."

I was wounded. "I did what I knew was right."

"You chose to put the lives of strangers ahead of the lives of your crew. You can't make the same mistake again."

Having had that argument with myself over the years, I couldn't accept that. "You got Voyager home--which means I will, too. If it takes a few more years then that's--"

"Seven of Nine is going to die."

I was frozen to that spot.   "What?"

"Three years from now. She'll be injured on an away mission. She'll make it back to Voyager, and die in the arms of her husband."

"Husband?" I knew that Seven was beginning to explore her feelings with Chakotay. I wasn't blind to the fact that she found Chakotay attractive and that they had been spending time together. I just wasn't prepared to hear the conclusion.

"Chakotay." The Admiral was quiet, reflecting back on the past. She never quite resolved this herself, I believe. "He'll never be the same after Seven's death--and neither will you."

My mind was turning in infinite directions, reeling from this news. I surmised, "If I know what's going to happen...I can avoid it."

"Seven isn't the only one," the Admiral says. Oh no, not more loss. I wasn't sure if I could handle knowing about loosing more of the crew. "Between this day, and the day I got Voyager home, I lost 22 crew members."

"And then, of course, there's Tuvok."

"What about him?" She teased me about the temporal prime directive at this point. "The hell with it!" I needed to know it all.

The Admiral smiled, almost smugly, "Fine. Tuvok has a degenerative neurological condition that he hasn't told you about."

"There's a cure in the Alpha Quadrant--but if he doesn't get it in time..." she let the thought hover. "Even if you alter Voyager's route, limit your contact with alien species, you're going to lose people. But I'm offering you a chance to get all of them home, safe and sound, today. Are you really going to walk away from that?"

Later that night, after all this sank in, the Admiral came to see me again.

The Admiral is staring out the window, watching the Delta Quadrant stars stream past. It's a view that she missed, because when she was in the Delta Quadrant, her family was whole and healthy and right down the hall.

"Aren't you a bit curious as to the whole Seven and Chakotay relationship?" she asks. Knowing that this has been plaguing my mind as it did hers all those years ago.

I releases a small sigh and then quietly, "Yes, but I'm not sure that I want to know."

"I think you need to know a few things, so that if the relationship proceeds, you can handle it better". I stare into my coffee cup, trying to brace myself before hearing the rest, the awful truth, and the future.

"Chakotay and Seven are in the very early stages of their relationship right now. Seven is caught up in her first real romance outside of Unimatrix Zero, and you know how romantic Chakotay is. Well, as it progressed, they became more open about it and needless to say the crew took a little time getting used to the pairing. B'Elanna and Harry…"

I let out an undignified snort, "Oh, I can image that already without you painting a picture."

"The Doctor, too, is a bit heartbroken and would sulk, more than usual, for a while. Eventually they came to me to marry them. That was one of the most difficult, heart-wrenching things I ever had to do. I think it was easier facing the entire Admiralty to address charges after Voyager returned than having to officiate that particular ceremony. But, Kathryn, I kept up the Captains' front and even managed to attend the reception for an hour or two before relieving Tuvok on the Bridge." The Admiral pauses enough to get a refill on her coffee and returns to her stars and story.

"For a while they were happy, delirious, and I eventually learned to live with the thought that they were together for good. Then, little by little things changed. It was very subtle at first and then the crew began whispering, like they tend to do. I don't know what happened, neither confided in me during their rough time, and I didn't ask. Chakotay was the one to assign Seven to the away team on that fateful trip. It was a two-week mission to a planet we were passing by in order to gather supplies. He later indicated that they had both needed time away from each other to figure out if the marriage was salvageable. I didn't realize that it had gotten that strained."  She reflected.

"When the shuttle was tractored into the docking bay, life supports were not functioning. All occupants were on the verge of death, including Seven. Chakotay was in the bay and rushed to her side. There was nothing the Doctor could do to save any of them. Nothing." The Admiral's voice trailed off into almost a sob. Even now, so many years later, it was still difficult to think of, to relive.

"I know that I indicated that Chakotay was never the same. He wasn't. But for reasons other and on top of losing his wife. He was consumed with guilt. Guilt that he sent her on the mission, guilt that they hadn't been able to work things out. Guilt that he was going to ask for a separation when she returned. It ate him up. He didn't speak to me for months, and it took years for him to open up about that burden. He never forgave himself."

She looked over at me, noting the unshed tears in my eyes, feeling them in hers. "I don't need to explain why I was never the same, do I?"

I shook my head, unable to verbalize the myriad of feelings and questions I had. Quietly, the Admiral placed her cup in the recycler and retired to the guest quarters she was assigned. I sat on my couch, crying for the future pain that Seven, Chakotay, the crew and even I would have to endure. Somewhere around 0300, I came to a decision.

Then, there is the visit I received from Seven the next morning…

****

"Captain, could I speak with you?"

"Of course, Seven. What is on your mind?" I gestured for Seven to sit, feeling that this was going to be an in depth discussion. Seven, of course, remained standing.

"As you might know, the Doctor has disconnected my cortical node to allow me to feel emotions more intensely, more accurately than I could before."

I nodded, allowing her to continue. I got up from my desk and went over to the replicator for a new cup of coffee. I gestured to Seven, asking if she would like something too. Seven declined with a shake of her head.

"I am having difficulty mastering my emotions so that they do not impede on my work performance. I am in need of assistance."

"Ah, Seven, I don't know that I can fully help you. In fact, we all, at some point in our lives, have such intense emotions that they get in the way of most everything we do. At times, they take over, so much, that we must will ourselves to do the most ordinary things, even breathing."

"I do not understand. Why would you allow such things to happen?"  This elicits a small chuckle.

"It is not that we allow anything. It's that we cannot avoid the emotions if we tried sometimes." Cup in hand I settled into my normal position, looking out the viewpoint. I began again, not able to make eye contact with Seven, directing my gaze toward the stars. "When I was younger, a lieutenant, just beginning my career, my father and fiancé were killed in a shuttle accident. I was the only survivor of the crash. The amount of grief and guilt associated with that accident took over my life so much that I forgot to function as a person. Only until my sister took drastic measures to bring my attention to my lack of living was I able to overcome enough of the emotions so that I could function again.  But the feelings of loss, grief, guilt still remain to this day, just not as persistent or overwhelming as they did at the time."

"So, Captain, you are saying that with time, these emotions will become more manageable?"

"Yes, in a way. May I ask what emotions are you referring to?"

Seven hesitated. "You don't have to tell me Seven, but sometimes it does help to talk with someone."

"Captain, it is not that I do not wish to discuss them, but that I do not know how to qualify all of them. One of the primary emotions I am attempting to assimilate is fear."

I studied her for a few moments before continuing.  "Fear, Seven? I have never known you to be fearful of many things? Perhaps you are uncertain of your future now that Earth is so close? Or perhaps meeting with real relatives is unnerving you?"

"Yes, Captain. Those are several of the situations I am uncertain about. What will happen to me when we reach Earth?" Seven began to pace, a habit she had begun showing recently. This, of course, brought a small smile to my eyes, knowing that Seven had picked this up from me.  "I know that Starfleet will want to examine me medially and debrief my knowledge gained from being part of the Collective. I am fearful of how everyone else, my relatives will react to me. I am quite certain that I will elicit much anxiety for the general populace, because I was a drone."

"But Seven, remember that you have already met with one of your relatives. Your Aunt seems to accept you as you are, doesn't she?"

"Yes, you are correct," Seven conceded.

"And also, you also represent hope to all of those who have had loved ones assimilated?"

"I do not see that, Captain," tilting her head slightly and raising an eyebrow. Something she must have picked up from Tuvok.

"You were severed from the Collective and have regained your individuality. Don't you think that a person whose family member had been assimilated would find that hopeful? This gives them reason to believe, that if, one day in the future, their relative is found to be a drone, that they too may be able to regain their individuality, their humanity?"

"I had not thought of that."

"Are there any other emotions that you're having trouble with?"

Seven hesitated and I could tell that this next topic was very uncomfortable for her. "Captain, the other you may not wish to discuss with me. It is...personal."

"It's about Chakotay, am I right?" Seven seemed surprised at my ease bringing up her relationship with the Commander.

"Captain, I am uncertain as to how to proceed with the Commander, in light of the fact of the Admiral's revelations and our return to Earth. I am not certain that the Commander would feel comfortable, being with the object of so much speculation."

"Seven, that is something you must discuss with him. My mother used to tell me when I was having romantic difficulties with my boyfriends that things will work out if you're meant to be together. But I've also realized over the years that you must want things to work out, deep down and be willing to work on the relationship through the difficult periods."

"Then, Captain, why did you not follow your own advice?" she queried back to me. I was stunned at the revelation.

"Seven, that is not something I wish to discuss."

"Captain."  She said with a tilt of her head. Seven then turned and exited the ready room.

****