Okay, so we haven't gotten that many reviews. I know I said that we don't care, but maybe we do. We like to hear honest opinions. We haven't even gotten any flames (although I guess that's a good thing). Anyway, here's the third chapter.



Chapter 4: The Keeper of the Keys

Harry stood looking, not quite sure if his twelve hits were still affecting him. He saw a giant man walk through the doorway. In one garbage can lid-sized hand he had a cane, and in the other a letter. He seemed to walk with a pimp limp and Harry thought he looked quite familiar.

"Hello there, Harry," said the giant.

"Get away from him!" shouted Uncle Vernon, spit flying from his lips. "I forbid you to tell that boy anything."

Sizing up Uncle Vernon, the big pimp replied, pointing the cane menacingly, "Whatcha gonna do, Willis?"

"I'll…I'll…mimblewimble," he said, backing into a corner.

"That's what I thought," Hagrid replied, plopping onto the crack-filled couch. "I suppose yer ready ta go to Hogwarts then, Harry."

"Hogwarts…what's that?" asked Harry.

"Don't you tell him anything!" Uncle Vernon said, coming out of his corner.

"Shut yer pie hole!" Hagrid replied.

"Don't tell me ya don't know, Harry," said Hagrid.

"Know what?"

"Blimey! Didn't ya ever wonder where ya got eh from? Yer Mum n' Dad wuz summa da best around," said Hagrid.

"Best what?!" asked a frustrated Harry.

"Yer a wizard-pimp, Harry."

"I'm a what?"

"Yer a wizard-pimp! Haven't you ever gotten so horny you just couldn't handle it?"

Harry stared guiltily into Hagrid's bloodshot eyes.

"Righ' then, here's yer letter," Hagrid said, handing Harry the letter.

Opening it, Harry read:


HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF PIMPCRAFT AND PROSTITUTION-ARY
Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster
(Order of Shaft, First Class, etc.)

Dear Mr. H. Potter,
I am pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to Hogwarts School of Pimpcraft and Prostitution. Please note that the term begins on September 1st. We await your pigeon by no later than August 31st.
Students may bring with them a knife OR a club OR one pair metal knuckles.

PARENTS, PLEASE REMEMBER THAT FIRST YEARS ARE NOT PERMITTED THEIR OWN MACHINE GUNS.

Sincerely,
Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress

Questions exploded in Harry's head like a gun being fired. He stammered, "What does it mean, they await my pigeon?"

"Jumpin' jigglypuffs, that reminds me," said Hagrid, pulling a pigeon, a long quill, and a roll of parchment out of his fur coat. He scribbled a note which Harry read upside down.


Dear Professor Dumbledore,
Given Harry his letter. Taking him to buy his things tomorrow.
Gang activity's horrible, hope you're well.

Hagrid


"I AM NOT LETTING HIM BE TAUGHT MAGIC TRICKS BY SOME CRACKPOT OLD FOOL! LITERALLY!" screamed Uncle Vernon.

"DON'T-EVER-INSULT-ALBUS-DUMBLE-DORK-IN-FRONT-OF-ME!"said Hagrid.

"Um, that's Dumble-DORE," said Harry meekly.

"Oh, righ' then."

Just then, the birthday cake that Hagrid had hath doth upon Harry was being eaten by his fat, pig-like cousin Dudley.

"Stop righ' there!" Hagrid said while pointing his pimp cane towards Dudley's butt. A blue light shot out of the end, and suddenly a vibrating dildo sprouted from Dudley's behind.

"AAAHHH!" screamed Dudley.

"What's that?!" yelped Harry.

"OHMIGOD!" screamed Vernon.

"OOOHH!" said Aunt Petunia with giddy pleasure.

"GET OFF ME, MOM!" screamed Dudley.

"PETUNIA! YOU'RE ACTING LIKE YOUR SISTER!" yelled Vernon.

The whole room fell silent.

Standing up, Petunia turned on her husband. "We agreed never to talk about her--abnormality."

"You knew?!?" cried Harry. "You knew all this time and didn't tell me that I'm a wizard pimp?"

"Knew?" she said, turning to Harry. "How could I not know, my dratted sister being what she was?

"Oh yes, my parents were very proud of her. When she got her letter they were so happy. 'We'll have a witch in the family,' they said. I was the only one to see her for what she was: a freak! And then she met that Pott-head at school and had you, and I knew you'd be just as abnormal! And then, if you please, she went and got herself blown up, and we got landed with you!"

"You told me my parents died in a drive-by!!!"

"Drive by!!!" roared Hagrid. "How could a drive-by kill Lily and James Potter? That's scandalous! Harry Potter not knowin' his own story when every kid in our world knows his name!"

"What happened?" Harry asked. Hagrid looked anxious.

"Never expected this…I don't know if I'm the right person ter tell yeh-but I guess someone's got ter."

He threw a dirty look at the Dursleys.

"It begins with a person called…"

"Who?"

"Well, I don like saying it…"

"Why not?"

"People are still scared. There was a wizard-pimp who went bad. His name was…" he said with a gulp.

"Voldemort," he said, shuddering. "Don' make me say it again. Anywho, this wizard-pimp, about twenty years ago, started looking for followers. Got 'em, too. Dark days. Didn't know who to trust. Some stood up ter him-an' he killed 'em. One o' the only safe places was Hogwarts. Dumbledore's the only one He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Laid was afraid of."

"Yer mom n' dad were as good a witch n' wizard-pimp come. He turned up in the village where they lived on Halloween ten years ago an' killed 'em.

"He turned his wand on you, but something about you last night stumped him. He couldn't kill yeh, Harry. He fled. Some people say he died. Cockswallop, in my opinion. I reckon he's still out there, waiting for the righ' time to turn up."

Harry stared at Hagrid in amazement. "So that's how I got my scar!?" asked Harry.

"Tha's righ', Harry," said Hagrid. Harry just sat there in half-wonderment and half-hatred. If it weren't for that booty-raper, then Harry would still have his family.