Some of the story is NC-17. We've decided that in the interest of respecting the rules *evil voice shouts "even if they're unfair"* that we will provide a link to our website for the questionable chapters, and see if it works out. A big thanks to those who have read this (and an even bigger one to those who have reviewed).
Chapter Five: Pornographic Alley
A few hours later, Harry and Hagrid sat on the Underground. People thought it strange that there was a giant pimp, but they didn't say anything out of fear, especially when they saw him knitting a canary yellow circus tent-sized thong.
After the ride, Hagrid led Harry down a London Street. They stopped in front of a run-down pub with a dirty sign that read, "The Leaky Cauldron." As they entered, furtive stares were shot towards them, and a small man ran out clutching something that looked like a vibrator (Harry knew what one looked like because he had once walked in on Aunt Petunia when she was using one).
"The usual?" The small man said, pointing the vibrator at Hagrid.
"No thanks, Tom, on special Hogwarts business," Hagrid announced importantly.
"Oh," Tom said, glancing at Harry. He did a double-take and then said, "Is this him?"
"Yep, this is the Harry Potter," Hagrid said, clamping a large hand on his shoulder.
The pub fell silent, and all of a sudden Harry was shaking hands with everyone in the pub.
"It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Mr. Potter," said a very made-up woman who smelled heavily of fish.
Then Harry shook hands with some other people, including some stuttering pansy named Professor Squirrel. After that, Hagrid led him into a courtyard which consisted of a single brick wall.
"What is that?" asked Harry.
"You'll see," said Hagrid.
Hagrid humped the wall five times and caressed it three times. Just then the wall moaned loudly and opened up, exposing a long alley.
"Welcome to Pornographic Alley!"
Harry stepped through the hole (which resembled the shape of a penis). He looked and saw at least a hundred shops all dedicated to a wizard-pimps needs.
"First, we will need to get yeh some money, Harry," said Hagrid.
"Where would I get money, I don't have any," replied Harry.
"Gringcocks, o' course!" bellowed Hagrid, patting his…package.
"What exactly is Gringcocks?" asked Harry as they stepped into a shack. Just then, Hagrid and Harry's clothes were stripped off and they were standing in front of at least a hundred little goblins.
"What do I do?" said a nervous Harry.
"Yeh let 'em bid on yeh. Then yeh, well, you know…"
"Right, got ya!" said an eager Harry.
(I really don't know how to follow this up!)
As a shoeshiner, Bob Smith did a good job. But, as a screw machine operator he sucked. So he decided he would quit his job as a market analyst and decided to open up his very own ostrich ranch in Wyoming. He married a girl named Chu Choo and they had three children: Jeong-Woo, Fred, and Jorge Maria. Bob lived to the ripe age of 112 ½ years, and then died in his sleep. He lived long enough to see his great-great-great-great-grandsons make the first manned space flight to Mars.
Now that he had money, Harry decided that he would go to get his books first. He pulled out his list and read:
Course Books (All students should have a copy of the following):
The Standard Book of Spells (Grade 1) by I.P. Freely
A History of Pimpery by Cynthia Biro
Prostitution Theory by Tasha Dalstra
One Thousand Magical Herbs and How to Smoke Them by Jessica Wright
Harry got all of his books and headed off to get some robes. Madam Masturbate helped him out. He saw, while he was there, a scrawny, pale, white boy with a pointed nose. "Hi," said the boy, as the tailor stripped him of his clothes.
"Er…hi," replied Harry, who also was nekkid.
"Going to Hogwarts, I presume."
"Yeah."
"I hope I get into Slytherin. My whole family is from there. I'd just leave if I got put into Hufflepunk, wouldn't you?" Harry for one, had no idea what he was talking about, but he couldn't help staring at this boy's package. It was very small! Harry stared in disbelief! He never knew they could come so small.
Just then, Harry noticed that Hagrid was staring in through the window, waving with one hand, but Harry couldn't see his other hand. It looked like it might be in his pocket…
After the fitting, Hagrid took Harry to get his birthday present, a ruffled-looking brown and white pigeon.
They went back to the Underground. "You'll have to go to Platform 9 2/3 to get on the train to Hogwarts."
"Platform 9 2/3, but where's that?" But when Harry turned around Hagrid was gone.