Disclaimer: See Part 1.
*****
EXT - REBEL BASE
Chewie regards the thoroughly splattered scorpion with satisfaction, then takes the time to look at what he used to smash it. His brow furrows in thought as he examines the limp droid, eventually finding a small metal plate riveted to the underside of the mangled mess that used to be the main body. He reads it with growing alarm.
He quickly knuckles his way back inside, dragging the droid after him with one of its manipulator arms clenched in one of the his hindpaws.
INT - REBEL BASE
Carrot, letter in hand, is looking around the base for something resembling a mail room. In the course of his search, he encounters CAPTAIN SAMUEL VIMES.
VIMES
Morning, Skywalker.
CARROT
Good morning, Captain... is there a mail room around here?
Vimes shakes his head.
VIMES
We're on restricted communications right now. No mail in or out.
CARROT
[disappointed] Oh. I just wanted my parents to know I was all right.
VIMES
Sorry. I just have a gut feeling that this isn't over yet.
CARROT
[brightening] Oh! You got a script too?
VIMES
A what?
CARROT
Sorry. My mistake.
[he pockets the letter as he searches for a lighter topic]
How's the Princess?
VIMES
She's taking the news pretty hard. I just hope she doesn't decide to do anything homicidal.
CARROT
You mean suicidal?
Vimes puts a fatherly hand on Carrot's shoulder.
VIMES
Lad, I've known Angua for longer than you have. I mean homicidal. I think she just needs some time to think right now.
CARROT
Well. Maybe Rincewind could give her some advice. Him being a great Jedi and all.
Vimes chokes back a chuckle.
VIMES
Maybe... If you can find him.
CARROT
Well, it's Threepio's job to know where everyone he's working for is, right? He'd know.
VIMES
Knock yourself out.
Carrot looks bewildered and a bit hurt by what he interprets as a literal instruction to knock himself out. Vimes, seeing this, sighs.
VIMES
[clarifying] Go ahead and ask, if you think he knows.
Carrot nods with the first glimmering of comprehension, and walks away. Vimes is about to go on his way as well when Chewie knuckles up to him and tugs at his hand. Vimes turns to regard the ape.
VIMES
What?
Chewie shows him the smashed spy droid and chatters at length about how he discovered it, complete with expressive gestures and vivid pantomime. When he finishes, he looks at Vimes expectantly. Vimes nods.
VIMES
You know... I didn't understand a syllable of what you just said.
Chewie scowls, reaches up with one long arm, and hooks the back of Vimes' head with one hand [eliciting a shout of alarm from Vimes], dragging it down closer to Chewie's level. Once Vimes is positioned thusly, Chewie points out the small metal plate on the body of the droid.
VIMES
[reading] "This droid is the exclusive property of the Empire. If found, please return to Darth Vetinari at once." [to Chewie] Do you *really* think he's that stupid?
Chewie shrugs noncommittally and releases Vimes. Vimes rubs the back of his head.
VIMES
You know, there are better ways to get someone's attention than grabbing the back of their head.
Chewie folds his arms and looks at Vimes as if to say, "Not *my* fault you can't understand me."
ELSEWHERE...
RIDCULLY strides up the hallway at a fair clip until he bumps into PONDER THREEPIO, coming the other way.
PONDER THREEPIO
Excuse me, sir...
RIDCULLY
Not now.
PONDER THREEPIO
Excuse me, sir... but where are you going?
Ridcully turns to face the protocol droid.
RIDCULLY
Out.
PONDER THREEPIO
Oh. Will you be back soon?
RIDCULLY
Not likely.
Ridcully continues on his way, with Threepio hurrying to keep up.
PONDER THREEPIO
Sir--!
RIDCULLY
Don't start with me. I'm already having Chewie get the Falcon ready.
PONDER THREEPIO
If I might inquire--?
Ridcully stops and turns again to face Threepio.
RIDCULLY
You said yourself, I don't have an altruistic side. So my choosing to leave has nothing at all to do with the fact that I've already pissed off two very powerful people, one of which is the overlord of the galaxy, and that if I stayed here I'd be putting you all in danger.
PONDER THREEPIO
Despite all appearances, Her Majesty is quite grateful for--
RIDCULLY
Besides which, I have a swamp dragon's chance in a hailstorm of getting paid for ferrying the Princess around like a bloody hired limousine...
He turns and continues on, and Threepio continues to shadow him.
PONDER THREEPIO
Until we find out what happened in Uberwald, Her Majesty is willing to offer you an alternate form of payment.
Ridcully stops dead in his tracks, and in the ensuing silence Threepio realizes how that must have sounded.
RIDCULLY
[wistful] If only I were a younger man....
PONDER THREEPIO
Not *that* kind of payment, you dirty old man! I meant a royal pardon or something!
RIDCULLY
Which means absolutely nothing, as far as I'm concerned. The parties in question wouldn't give a rat's ass either way.
PONDER THREEPIO
Well, if I may say so, this is a hell of a time to get practical about things!
RIDCULLY
What? You're trying to play bloody matchmaker like I'm Han bloody Solo and she's Princess bloody Leia?
PONDER THREEPIO
[a little revolted by the idea] Oh, *gods*, no... the thought never entered my processor.
Presently, Carrot approaches.
CARROT
Have either of you seen Rincewind lately?
RIDCULLY
You mean the skinny twerp with the lightsaber? Not lately.
PONDER THREEPIO
[to Carrot] He's hiding, sir.
CARROT / RIDCULLY [unison]
Hiding?
RIDCULLY
What's he hiding from? This place should be safe enough for the likes of him.
PONDER THREEPIO
He was a little incoherent when I last tried to talk to him, but from what I could understand he's developed a pathological fear of either apes or rock and roll music.
RIDCULLY
[snorts] Not a fear of public restrooms?
PONDER THREEPIO
No, sir. Toilets aren't especially scary, sir.
RIDCULLY
[lightly] They are when a Sith Lord crawls out of one and attacks you.
PONDER THREEPIO
I'm afraid I don't follow, sir.
RIDCULLY
Never mind. Excuse me - I gotta find Chewie.
Exit Ridcully, leaving Carrot and Threepio rather bewildered by his last comments. Carrot and Threepio exchange a glance.
CARROT
Bad plumbing?
Threepio shrugs.
PONDER THREEPIO
In any case, I was hoping to find you before her Majesty left.
Carrot blinks.
CARROT
She's leaving? For where?
PONDER THREEPIO
Uberwald, I'm afraid. I told her it would be too dangerous to go there just now, but to be quite honest, she can be a bit stubborn at times. All the same she wants to speak with you before she leaves.
CARROT
All right... lead the way.
ON RIDCULLY
as he continues towards his ship and encounters Vimes and Chewie.
RIDCULLY
[to Chewie] Aha. Just the ape I was looking for.
VIMES
And you're just the man I was looking for.
RIDCULLY
[to Vimes] I have nothing to say to you.
VIMES
Then I'll let Chewbacca tell you. You and he appear to be on the same wavelength, anyway.
Ridcully glares at Vimes but says nothing as Chewie starts recounting his tale again. As he does:
RIDCULLY
[translating] You were checking the landing gear... and you saw a scorpion... and after you smashed it... you realized that you'd smashed it with a droid.
Chewie holds up the abused spy droid in question. Ridcully takes it, reads the inscription.
RIDCULLY
A spy droid.
VIMES
An Imperial spy droid.
RIDCULLY
Well, shit. [to Chewie] I guess it's high time we left then, eh, Chewie?
[Chewie shakes his head and explains why]
You'd just started checking the Falcon when you saw the scorpion.
[Chewie nods]
[sotto] Nothing is ever easy in these movies...
ELSEWHERE...
Threepio and Carrot arrive at the door to Angua's chambers. Threepio presses the door chime.
PRINCESS ANGUA [intercom]
Yes?
She sounds tired.
PONDER THREEPIO
Master Carrot to see you, Your Majesty.
PRINCESS ANGUA [intercom]
Show him in, please.
The door slides open. Carrot glances at Threepio, who waves him through. Carrot steps through the doorway, ducking by force of habit, and glances over his shoulder when the door slides shut. Then he glances into the room - and blinks when he sees Angua.
CARROT'S POV
Slow pan upwards from Angua's feet, taking in a feminine curvature now clad in a shape-hugging white bodysuit rather than her previous royal gown. She has elected not to pin her hair up today.
Carrot clears his throat and blushes slightly.
CARROT
Oh... um... wow.
Angua smiles and lays a garment on the bed. One of her handmaidens busily folds it and tucks it into a half-filled satchel, then gestures to the other three handmaidens and they all fade into the background to offer Carrot and Angua some privacy.
PRINCESS ANGUA
I bet you're wondering why I asked to see you...
Carrot's eyes, caught wandering, snap up to meet her gaze.
CARROT
Threepio said you were going to Uberwald.
PRINCESS ANGUA
That's right. I have a little... family business to take care of. I'll try to stay in touch but... it could get kind of dangerous.
CARROT
Are you going to find out who attacked your parents?
PRINCESS ANGUA
[nods] I'm going to try.
CARROT
I'll go with you.
PRINCESS ANGUA
[sharper than she intended] No! [softens] No... this is something I have to do by myself.
CARROT
I just wish there was something I could do to help. I mean, if you get hurt... or killed...
PRINCESS ANGUA
There *is* something you can do.
[he brightens slightly]
Kiss me... for luck.
Carrot is floored by this request. She stretches up and kisses him gently on the mouth, but as he starts to respond, tries to put his arms around her, she darts out of his reach. The reason for this dodge becomes evident when, presently, the door opens again, allowing Threepio to check up on them and make sure nothing improper is happening between them. His look of preprogrammed suspicion quickly flickers into his usual cordiality.
PONDER THREEPIO
Master Carrot, I believe you wanted to speak with Rincewind?
CARROT
[still recovering] Yes... I did.
PONDER THREEPIO
I'm sure Her Majesty still has a lot of preparations to make before she leaves. We mustn't keep her.
He gestures for Carrot to follow him, then turns away. As soon as the droid's back is to Angua, she pokes her tongue out at him. Carrot stifles a surprised laugh, and must suppress a grin as he follows Threepio.
On their way out, they pass Ridcully heading the other way. He pauses to regard Angua's new wardrobe impassively.
RIDCULLY
Who are you supposed to be, one of Charlie's Angels?
Angua snorts.
PRINCESS ANGUA
As charming as ever. I just wanted to extend my gratitude to you and Chewie for all the help you've provided to the Rebel Alliance. As soon as I get things settled in Uberwald you *will* get the payment that Threepio promised you.
RIDCULLY
So you expect me to stay here until you get back.
PRINCESS ANGUA
I would appreciate it. This base is perfectly secure.
RIDCULLY
*Was* perfectly secure. Chewie found an Imperial spy droid scoping out my ship.
PRINCESS ANGUA
[sotto] Shit.
RIDCULLY
[mock-chiding] Tsk, tsk... Such language for a princess.
PRINCESS ANGUA
[ignoring this] Does Vimes know?
Ridcully nods.
RIDCULLY
In any case, I'm leaving. [pause] I can't be putting people in danger because I pissed someone off. It wouldn't be fair.
PRINCESS ANGUA
Well, glad as I am that you finally grew a conscience, we could use all the help we can get in the Alliance.
RIDCULLY
Maybe some other time.
With that he turns and walks away before he can change his mind.
ON THREEPIO AND CARROT
as they seek out Rincewind. They walk in silence for a few moments. Then:
PONDER THREEPIO
I believe it's high time we had a brief discussion regarding you and Her Majesty.
CARROT
What about me and Angua?
PONDER THREEPIO
While my First Law directives do not allow me to directly injure any organic creature, it also prohibits me from causing injury from lack of action. As a result, I have had to process this problem for several cycles to discern the safest approach.
CARROT
I don't follow.
Threepio sighs metallically.
PONDER THREEPIO
Her Majesty - Angua - is a princess. You ought to have been able to figure that much out on your own. Eventually she will be the Queen of Uberwald. The time will come when she must produce an heir. To continue the bloodline. Do you understand so far?
CARROT
That sounds reasonable enough.
PONDER THREEPIO
Whomever she marries must also be of royal heritage. It is simply the way things are done.
CARROT
[politely] Okay.
Threepio wasn't expecting such polite acceptance.
PONDER THREEPIO
[treading carefully] How close is your relationship with the Princess?
CARROT
We're not related at all, I don't think.
PONDER THREEPIO
That's not what I meant. To put it simply, do you *like* her, or do you *like-like* her?
CARROT
I'm not sure what you mean. I mean, I like being around her, and talking to her...
PONDER THREEPIO
I mean do you like her romantically.
[off Carrot's blank look:]
You haven't had "The Talk" yet, have you?
CARROT
What talk?
PONDER THREEPIO
[aside to camera] I was afraid of that. Dwarves usually don't get "The Talk" until age 55. [sighs metallically]
[to Carrot] We'll discuss this further later on.
CARROT
[politely confused] Okay.
Threepio keys open the door at which they have arrived, which opens into a section of maintenance corridor. Carrot looks around: Okay, why are we here?
CARROT
Odd place for Jedi meditation...
PONDER THREEPIO
[calling out] Rincewind!
There is a metallic clatter in the darkness further down the corridor, accompanied by a startled yelp. Upon investigation, the source of both proves to be [surprise!] Rincewind, now sitting tangled in a pile of pipes, tubing, and odds and ends used to repair various exotic machinery. He makes a few token efforts to extract himself, but finds he can't.
RINCEWIND
[sheepish] Hi. Didn't recognize you at first.
PONDER THREEPIO
Master Carrot wishes to speak with you.
A hunted look briefly flickers across Rincewind's face, his average reaction to someone three times his size "wishing to speak with him.".
RINCEWIND
Um... about that?
CARROT
[avidly] My Jedi training.
RINCEWIND
[relaxing marginally] Oh. That.
CARROT
I've seen what the Jedi are able to do - and I want to learn how to do those things too.
RINCEWIND
Seen? Where?
PONDER THREEPIO
[patient aside to Rincewind] From you, sir.
RINCEWIND
[quietly] Oh. [aloud] Er, about that...
CARROT
And I thought that now we were in a safe place, we could begin my formal Jedi training.
RINCEWIND
I... can't.
Carrot falls silent.
RINCEWIND [contd.]
Look, I'm a *compulsive* Jedi. Do you know what that means?
CARROT
No.
RINCEWIND
It means I can't... really... control my Jedi powers. They just happen. When I'm in danger. Or when I'm under stress.
Carrot is crestfallen.
CARROT
So... I can't become a Jedi?
RINCEWIND
Tell you what. What you need to do, is go to Lancre, up in the Ramtops. Once you're there, you'll be taught by Weatherwax, who tried to teach me before she got fed up and kicked me out. [off Carrot's look] Long story. I'd rather not go into it right now.
CARROT
And she can teach me how to be a Jedi?
RINCEWIND
[a bit annoyed] What did I just say? *Yes,* she can teach you the ways of the Jedi! Now, could somebody *please* help me up? I've got something pointy and metallic jabbing me someplace I'd rather not be jabbed by something pointy and metallic.
[Carrot pulls Rincewind out of the tangle. Rincewind brushes off his robes, then surreptitiously rubs some life back into his behind]
Thanks. Now I suggest you get packed, and take one of the droids with you. Safety in numbers.
CARROT
'Safety in numbers.' I bet a great and wise Jedi originally said that.
RINCEWIND
Um. Yeah.
Threepio offers an amused shrug to Rincewind by way of explanation.
INT - STAR DESTROYER
The first thing we see is Darth Vetinari's armour. The second thing we see is that he is not presently in it. Offscreen, we hear the sound of joints popping - whether the direction is into place or out of remains to be seen. Slow pan across to where a woman - the IMPERIAL MASSEUSE - is working her magic on the shoulders and back of someone just below frame.
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
It's a good thing you came in to see me, sir. You're awfully tense.
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]
I've been having a really rotten couple of days.
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
How's the shoulder? Still bothering you?
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]
[noncommittal] Eh.
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
Hold still.
She does something forceful in the vicinity of his shoulder that makes the joint pop loudly [causing Vetinari to yelp in pain and surprise], then crunch as she reverses the motion. Vetinari grunts as his shoulder is apparently relocated, then sighs when she releases him.
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
Better?
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]
[relieved] Much. Thank you.
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
[smiles] That's what you pay me for.
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]
You know, I'm starting to regret letting those two idiots live.
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
Which two idiots are those?
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]
You know which ones I mean. The idiots with the phone booth. They seemed bright enough when we finally found them, but...
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
I just hope you didn't put them in charge of anything.
[Vetinari sighs in exasperation]
Anything important, I mean.
[Vetinari groans]
[uncertain] Anything important that is directly related to finding Ridcully?
[This time the groan is closer to a whimper]
Well, look on the bright side... if they make any mistakes they can sleep with the mimes.
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]
[emerging from his depression slightly] That's true. [darkening again] Do you know what I had to confiscate from them just today?
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
[politely] No, sir.
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]
[grim] A virtual reality module of... Eccentrica Galumbits.
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
[surprised] The triple-breasted whore of Eroticon Six?
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]
[weakly] The very one. [suspiciously] You know of it?
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
No, sir. Never heard of it. [changing subject] How do you know they actually gave you *that* module?
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]
That's true. I'll have to view it to be sure.
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
Of course you will.
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]
[sighs] It's times like this that I'm glad this room is private.
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
Yessir.
Did she just glance briefly at the camera? The world may never know. She squirts some sort of oil from a bottle into her hand and resumes the massage. After a beat:
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]
What's that smell?
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
It's the massage oil, sir. To loosen your muscles.
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]
It smells like lilacs!
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
That was the only kind they had left, sir.
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]
How do you expect me to be a fearsome villain if I go around smelling of lilacs?!
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
[trying not to smile] Sorry, sir.
DARTH VETINARI
[wearily, in response to something he senses] Oh, gods...
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
[confused] Are you okay, sir? I didn't think the scented oil would be that serious...
DARTH VETINARI
Not that. I just sensed a couple of disturbances.
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
In the Force?
DARTH VETINARI
In the hallway outside. Excuse me.
He starts to get up, but the most we see is the top half of his helmet before we...
CUT TO:
INT - STAR DESTROYER - HALLWAY
Preston and the dazed VR tech approach the guard currently blocking a door marked "Advising Room." Below this is a sliding indicator revealing that the Advising Room is currently "Occupied."
PRESTON
[urgently] We have to see the head dude.
It rapidly becomes clear that the guard in question does not like either Preston or the tech.
GUARD
[coldly] His Lordship is in private counsel with his advisor.
VR TECH
We found that ship.
GUARD
What ship?
PRESTON
You know... that ship piloted by that guy who sprang that babe from the dungeon.
VR TECH
It's really really really really important that we talk to him. Like, now.
The guard narrows his eyes.
GUARD
That ship... piloted by that guy... Do you have *any* idea how many ships there are in the system?
PRESTON
Um... a lot?
GUARD
And do you have any idea--
The door hisses open abruptly. Vetinari is wearing his helmet and a glossy black velvet bathrobe. He glares at the two younger men with barely contained annoyance.
DARTH VETINARI
[through gritted teeth] Preston. Logan. This had better be really. Bloody. Good.
Preston and Logan [apparently the VR tech] freeze momentarily. Logan sniffs, then Preston smells it too.
PRESTON
Something smells nice.
LOGAN
Yeah... Kinda like fl--
Both Preston and Logan suddenly fly up towards the opposite wall and stick there in odd poses. They shoot terrified glances at Vetinari. It is then that they remember that, flowery scent or not, Vetinari is still the villain of this movie. They start talking rapidly.
PRESTON
We-found-where-that-ship-is-you-were-looking-for--
LOGAN
I-tried-to-get-close-enough-to-get-the-license-but-a-monkey-grabbed- the-spy-droid-and-smashed-it--
PRESTON
But-I-made-sure-to-remember-where-it-was-so-we-could-find-it-again--
DARTH VETINARI
Enough! You have done well... [sotto] considering.
PRESTON / LOGAN [unison]
[with feeling] Thank you, Sith-dude.
DARTH VETINARI
For your lack of total incompetence I will allow you to see your respective next birthdays.
PRESTON / LOGAN [unison]
[with even more feeling] Thank you, Sith-dude!
DARTH VETINARI
And now, if you have nothing further, I will leave you to your own devices while I finish my appointment with my m— [stops himself, clears throat] my advisor.
With that, he turns and vanishes back through the door from whence he came. As he does:
DARTH VETINARI
[under breath] Bloody morons, just when I was getting relaxed...
The door slides shut.
Preston and Logan remain stuck to the wall for several seconds, after which interval they slide down onto the floor. After a beat, they exchange a glance.
LOGAN
Why's he wearing a bathrobe to meet with his advisor?
*****
End Part 2.
*****
EXT - REBEL BASE
Chewie regards the thoroughly splattered scorpion with satisfaction, then takes the time to look at what he used to smash it. His brow furrows in thought as he examines the limp droid, eventually finding a small metal plate riveted to the underside of the mangled mess that used to be the main body. He reads it with growing alarm.
He quickly knuckles his way back inside, dragging the droid after him with one of its manipulator arms clenched in one of the his hindpaws.
INT - REBEL BASE
Carrot, letter in hand, is looking around the base for something resembling a mail room. In the course of his search, he encounters CAPTAIN SAMUEL VIMES.
VIMES
Morning, Skywalker.
CARROT
Good morning, Captain... is there a mail room around here?
Vimes shakes his head.
VIMES
We're on restricted communications right now. No mail in or out.
CARROT
[disappointed] Oh. I just wanted my parents to know I was all right.
VIMES
Sorry. I just have a gut feeling that this isn't over yet.
CARROT
[brightening] Oh! You got a script too?
VIMES
A what?
CARROT
Sorry. My mistake.
[he pockets the letter as he searches for a lighter topic]
How's the Princess?
VIMES
She's taking the news pretty hard. I just hope she doesn't decide to do anything homicidal.
CARROT
You mean suicidal?
Vimes puts a fatherly hand on Carrot's shoulder.
VIMES
Lad, I've known Angua for longer than you have. I mean homicidal. I think she just needs some time to think right now.
CARROT
Well. Maybe Rincewind could give her some advice. Him being a great Jedi and all.
Vimes chokes back a chuckle.
VIMES
Maybe... If you can find him.
CARROT
Well, it's Threepio's job to know where everyone he's working for is, right? He'd know.
VIMES
Knock yourself out.
Carrot looks bewildered and a bit hurt by what he interprets as a literal instruction to knock himself out. Vimes, seeing this, sighs.
VIMES
[clarifying] Go ahead and ask, if you think he knows.
Carrot nods with the first glimmering of comprehension, and walks away. Vimes is about to go on his way as well when Chewie knuckles up to him and tugs at his hand. Vimes turns to regard the ape.
VIMES
What?
Chewie shows him the smashed spy droid and chatters at length about how he discovered it, complete with expressive gestures and vivid pantomime. When he finishes, he looks at Vimes expectantly. Vimes nods.
VIMES
You know... I didn't understand a syllable of what you just said.
Chewie scowls, reaches up with one long arm, and hooks the back of Vimes' head with one hand [eliciting a shout of alarm from Vimes], dragging it down closer to Chewie's level. Once Vimes is positioned thusly, Chewie points out the small metal plate on the body of the droid.
VIMES
[reading] "This droid is the exclusive property of the Empire. If found, please return to Darth Vetinari at once." [to Chewie] Do you *really* think he's that stupid?
Chewie shrugs noncommittally and releases Vimes. Vimes rubs the back of his head.
VIMES
You know, there are better ways to get someone's attention than grabbing the back of their head.
Chewie folds his arms and looks at Vimes as if to say, "Not *my* fault you can't understand me."
ELSEWHERE...
RIDCULLY strides up the hallway at a fair clip until he bumps into PONDER THREEPIO, coming the other way.
PONDER THREEPIO
Excuse me, sir...
RIDCULLY
Not now.
PONDER THREEPIO
Excuse me, sir... but where are you going?
Ridcully turns to face the protocol droid.
RIDCULLY
Out.
PONDER THREEPIO
Oh. Will you be back soon?
RIDCULLY
Not likely.
Ridcully continues on his way, with Threepio hurrying to keep up.
PONDER THREEPIO
Sir--!
RIDCULLY
Don't start with me. I'm already having Chewie get the Falcon ready.
PONDER THREEPIO
If I might inquire--?
Ridcully stops and turns again to face Threepio.
RIDCULLY
You said yourself, I don't have an altruistic side. So my choosing to leave has nothing at all to do with the fact that I've already pissed off two very powerful people, one of which is the overlord of the galaxy, and that if I stayed here I'd be putting you all in danger.
PONDER THREEPIO
Despite all appearances, Her Majesty is quite grateful for--
RIDCULLY
Besides which, I have a swamp dragon's chance in a hailstorm of getting paid for ferrying the Princess around like a bloody hired limousine...
He turns and continues on, and Threepio continues to shadow him.
PONDER THREEPIO
Until we find out what happened in Uberwald, Her Majesty is willing to offer you an alternate form of payment.
Ridcully stops dead in his tracks, and in the ensuing silence Threepio realizes how that must have sounded.
RIDCULLY
[wistful] If only I were a younger man....
PONDER THREEPIO
Not *that* kind of payment, you dirty old man! I meant a royal pardon or something!
RIDCULLY
Which means absolutely nothing, as far as I'm concerned. The parties in question wouldn't give a rat's ass either way.
PONDER THREEPIO
Well, if I may say so, this is a hell of a time to get practical about things!
RIDCULLY
What? You're trying to play bloody matchmaker like I'm Han bloody Solo and she's Princess bloody Leia?
PONDER THREEPIO
[a little revolted by the idea] Oh, *gods*, no... the thought never entered my processor.
Presently, Carrot approaches.
CARROT
Have either of you seen Rincewind lately?
RIDCULLY
You mean the skinny twerp with the lightsaber? Not lately.
PONDER THREEPIO
[to Carrot] He's hiding, sir.
CARROT / RIDCULLY [unison]
Hiding?
RIDCULLY
What's he hiding from? This place should be safe enough for the likes of him.
PONDER THREEPIO
He was a little incoherent when I last tried to talk to him, but from what I could understand he's developed a pathological fear of either apes or rock and roll music.
RIDCULLY
[snorts] Not a fear of public restrooms?
PONDER THREEPIO
No, sir. Toilets aren't especially scary, sir.
RIDCULLY
[lightly] They are when a Sith Lord crawls out of one and attacks you.
PONDER THREEPIO
I'm afraid I don't follow, sir.
RIDCULLY
Never mind. Excuse me - I gotta find Chewie.
Exit Ridcully, leaving Carrot and Threepio rather bewildered by his last comments. Carrot and Threepio exchange a glance.
CARROT
Bad plumbing?
Threepio shrugs.
PONDER THREEPIO
In any case, I was hoping to find you before her Majesty left.
Carrot blinks.
CARROT
She's leaving? For where?
PONDER THREEPIO
Uberwald, I'm afraid. I told her it would be too dangerous to go there just now, but to be quite honest, she can be a bit stubborn at times. All the same she wants to speak with you before she leaves.
CARROT
All right... lead the way.
ON RIDCULLY
as he continues towards his ship and encounters Vimes and Chewie.
RIDCULLY
[to Chewie] Aha. Just the ape I was looking for.
VIMES
And you're just the man I was looking for.
RIDCULLY
[to Vimes] I have nothing to say to you.
VIMES
Then I'll let Chewbacca tell you. You and he appear to be on the same wavelength, anyway.
Ridcully glares at Vimes but says nothing as Chewie starts recounting his tale again. As he does:
RIDCULLY
[translating] You were checking the landing gear... and you saw a scorpion... and after you smashed it... you realized that you'd smashed it with a droid.
Chewie holds up the abused spy droid in question. Ridcully takes it, reads the inscription.
RIDCULLY
A spy droid.
VIMES
An Imperial spy droid.
RIDCULLY
Well, shit. [to Chewie] I guess it's high time we left then, eh, Chewie?
[Chewie shakes his head and explains why]
You'd just started checking the Falcon when you saw the scorpion.
[Chewie nods]
[sotto] Nothing is ever easy in these movies...
ELSEWHERE...
Threepio and Carrot arrive at the door to Angua's chambers. Threepio presses the door chime.
PRINCESS ANGUA [intercom]
Yes?
She sounds tired.
PONDER THREEPIO
Master Carrot to see you, Your Majesty.
PRINCESS ANGUA [intercom]
Show him in, please.
The door slides open. Carrot glances at Threepio, who waves him through. Carrot steps through the doorway, ducking by force of habit, and glances over his shoulder when the door slides shut. Then he glances into the room - and blinks when he sees Angua.
CARROT'S POV
Slow pan upwards from Angua's feet, taking in a feminine curvature now clad in a shape-hugging white bodysuit rather than her previous royal gown. She has elected not to pin her hair up today.
Carrot clears his throat and blushes slightly.
CARROT
Oh... um... wow.
Angua smiles and lays a garment on the bed. One of her handmaidens busily folds it and tucks it into a half-filled satchel, then gestures to the other three handmaidens and they all fade into the background to offer Carrot and Angua some privacy.
PRINCESS ANGUA
I bet you're wondering why I asked to see you...
Carrot's eyes, caught wandering, snap up to meet her gaze.
CARROT
Threepio said you were going to Uberwald.
PRINCESS ANGUA
That's right. I have a little... family business to take care of. I'll try to stay in touch but... it could get kind of dangerous.
CARROT
Are you going to find out who attacked your parents?
PRINCESS ANGUA
[nods] I'm going to try.
CARROT
I'll go with you.
PRINCESS ANGUA
[sharper than she intended] No! [softens] No... this is something I have to do by myself.
CARROT
I just wish there was something I could do to help. I mean, if you get hurt... or killed...
PRINCESS ANGUA
There *is* something you can do.
[he brightens slightly]
Kiss me... for luck.
Carrot is floored by this request. She stretches up and kisses him gently on the mouth, but as he starts to respond, tries to put his arms around her, she darts out of his reach. The reason for this dodge becomes evident when, presently, the door opens again, allowing Threepio to check up on them and make sure nothing improper is happening between them. His look of preprogrammed suspicion quickly flickers into his usual cordiality.
PONDER THREEPIO
Master Carrot, I believe you wanted to speak with Rincewind?
CARROT
[still recovering] Yes... I did.
PONDER THREEPIO
I'm sure Her Majesty still has a lot of preparations to make before she leaves. We mustn't keep her.
He gestures for Carrot to follow him, then turns away. As soon as the droid's back is to Angua, she pokes her tongue out at him. Carrot stifles a surprised laugh, and must suppress a grin as he follows Threepio.
On their way out, they pass Ridcully heading the other way. He pauses to regard Angua's new wardrobe impassively.
RIDCULLY
Who are you supposed to be, one of Charlie's Angels?
Angua snorts.
PRINCESS ANGUA
As charming as ever. I just wanted to extend my gratitude to you and Chewie for all the help you've provided to the Rebel Alliance. As soon as I get things settled in Uberwald you *will* get the payment that Threepio promised you.
RIDCULLY
So you expect me to stay here until you get back.
PRINCESS ANGUA
I would appreciate it. This base is perfectly secure.
RIDCULLY
*Was* perfectly secure. Chewie found an Imperial spy droid scoping out my ship.
PRINCESS ANGUA
[sotto] Shit.
RIDCULLY
[mock-chiding] Tsk, tsk... Such language for a princess.
PRINCESS ANGUA
[ignoring this] Does Vimes know?
Ridcully nods.
RIDCULLY
In any case, I'm leaving. [pause] I can't be putting people in danger because I pissed someone off. It wouldn't be fair.
PRINCESS ANGUA
Well, glad as I am that you finally grew a conscience, we could use all the help we can get in the Alliance.
RIDCULLY
Maybe some other time.
With that he turns and walks away before he can change his mind.
ON THREEPIO AND CARROT
as they seek out Rincewind. They walk in silence for a few moments. Then:
PONDER THREEPIO
I believe it's high time we had a brief discussion regarding you and Her Majesty.
CARROT
What about me and Angua?
PONDER THREEPIO
While my First Law directives do not allow me to directly injure any organic creature, it also prohibits me from causing injury from lack of action. As a result, I have had to process this problem for several cycles to discern the safest approach.
CARROT
I don't follow.
Threepio sighs metallically.
PONDER THREEPIO
Her Majesty - Angua - is a princess. You ought to have been able to figure that much out on your own. Eventually she will be the Queen of Uberwald. The time will come when she must produce an heir. To continue the bloodline. Do you understand so far?
CARROT
That sounds reasonable enough.
PONDER THREEPIO
Whomever she marries must also be of royal heritage. It is simply the way things are done.
CARROT
[politely] Okay.
Threepio wasn't expecting such polite acceptance.
PONDER THREEPIO
[treading carefully] How close is your relationship with the Princess?
CARROT
We're not related at all, I don't think.
PONDER THREEPIO
That's not what I meant. To put it simply, do you *like* her, or do you *like-like* her?
CARROT
I'm not sure what you mean. I mean, I like being around her, and talking to her...
PONDER THREEPIO
I mean do you like her romantically.
[off Carrot's blank look:]
You haven't had "The Talk" yet, have you?
CARROT
What talk?
PONDER THREEPIO
[aside to camera] I was afraid of that. Dwarves usually don't get "The Talk" until age 55. [sighs metallically]
[to Carrot] We'll discuss this further later on.
CARROT
[politely confused] Okay.
Threepio keys open the door at which they have arrived, which opens into a section of maintenance corridor. Carrot looks around: Okay, why are we here?
CARROT
Odd place for Jedi meditation...
PONDER THREEPIO
[calling out] Rincewind!
There is a metallic clatter in the darkness further down the corridor, accompanied by a startled yelp. Upon investigation, the source of both proves to be [surprise!] Rincewind, now sitting tangled in a pile of pipes, tubing, and odds and ends used to repair various exotic machinery. He makes a few token efforts to extract himself, but finds he can't.
RINCEWIND
[sheepish] Hi. Didn't recognize you at first.
PONDER THREEPIO
Master Carrot wishes to speak with you.
A hunted look briefly flickers across Rincewind's face, his average reaction to someone three times his size "wishing to speak with him.".
RINCEWIND
Um... about that?
CARROT
[avidly] My Jedi training.
RINCEWIND
[relaxing marginally] Oh. That.
CARROT
I've seen what the Jedi are able to do - and I want to learn how to do those things too.
RINCEWIND
Seen? Where?
PONDER THREEPIO
[patient aside to Rincewind] From you, sir.
RINCEWIND
[quietly] Oh. [aloud] Er, about that...
CARROT
And I thought that now we were in a safe place, we could begin my formal Jedi training.
RINCEWIND
I... can't.
Carrot falls silent.
RINCEWIND [contd.]
Look, I'm a *compulsive* Jedi. Do you know what that means?
CARROT
No.
RINCEWIND
It means I can't... really... control my Jedi powers. They just happen. When I'm in danger. Or when I'm under stress.
Carrot is crestfallen.
CARROT
So... I can't become a Jedi?
RINCEWIND
Tell you what. What you need to do, is go to Lancre, up in the Ramtops. Once you're there, you'll be taught by Weatherwax, who tried to teach me before she got fed up and kicked me out. [off Carrot's look] Long story. I'd rather not go into it right now.
CARROT
And she can teach me how to be a Jedi?
RINCEWIND
[a bit annoyed] What did I just say? *Yes,* she can teach you the ways of the Jedi! Now, could somebody *please* help me up? I've got something pointy and metallic jabbing me someplace I'd rather not be jabbed by something pointy and metallic.
[Carrot pulls Rincewind out of the tangle. Rincewind brushes off his robes, then surreptitiously rubs some life back into his behind]
Thanks. Now I suggest you get packed, and take one of the droids with you. Safety in numbers.
CARROT
'Safety in numbers.' I bet a great and wise Jedi originally said that.
RINCEWIND
Um. Yeah.
Threepio offers an amused shrug to Rincewind by way of explanation.
INT - STAR DESTROYER
The first thing we see is Darth Vetinari's armour. The second thing we see is that he is not presently in it. Offscreen, we hear the sound of joints popping - whether the direction is into place or out of remains to be seen. Slow pan across to where a woman - the IMPERIAL MASSEUSE - is working her magic on the shoulders and back of someone just below frame.
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
It's a good thing you came in to see me, sir. You're awfully tense.
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]
I've been having a really rotten couple of days.
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
How's the shoulder? Still bothering you?
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]
[noncommittal] Eh.
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
Hold still.
She does something forceful in the vicinity of his shoulder that makes the joint pop loudly [causing Vetinari to yelp in pain and surprise], then crunch as she reverses the motion. Vetinari grunts as his shoulder is apparently relocated, then sighs when she releases him.
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
Better?
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]
[relieved] Much. Thank you.
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
[smiles] That's what you pay me for.
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]
You know, I'm starting to regret letting those two idiots live.
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
Which two idiots are those?
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]
You know which ones I mean. The idiots with the phone booth. They seemed bright enough when we finally found them, but...
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
I just hope you didn't put them in charge of anything.
[Vetinari sighs in exasperation]
Anything important, I mean.
[Vetinari groans]
[uncertain] Anything important that is directly related to finding Ridcully?
[This time the groan is closer to a whimper]
Well, look on the bright side... if they make any mistakes they can sleep with the mimes.
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]
[emerging from his depression slightly] That's true. [darkening again] Do you know what I had to confiscate from them just today?
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
[politely] No, sir.
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]
[grim] A virtual reality module of... Eccentrica Galumbits.
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
[surprised] The triple-breasted whore of Eroticon Six?
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]
[weakly] The very one. [suspiciously] You know of it?
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
No, sir. Never heard of it. [changing subject] How do you know they actually gave you *that* module?
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]
That's true. I'll have to view it to be sure.
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
Of course you will.
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]
[sighs] It's times like this that I'm glad this room is private.
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
Yessir.
Did she just glance briefly at the camera? The world may never know. She squirts some sort of oil from a bottle into her hand and resumes the massage. After a beat:
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]
What's that smell?
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
It's the massage oil, sir. To loosen your muscles.
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]
It smells like lilacs!
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
That was the only kind they had left, sir.
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]
How do you expect me to be a fearsome villain if I go around smelling of lilacs?!
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
[trying not to smile] Sorry, sir.
DARTH VETINARI
[wearily, in response to something he senses] Oh, gods...
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
[confused] Are you okay, sir? I didn't think the scented oil would be that serious...
DARTH VETINARI
Not that. I just sensed a couple of disturbances.
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
In the Force?
DARTH VETINARI
In the hallway outside. Excuse me.
He starts to get up, but the most we see is the top half of his helmet before we...
CUT TO:
INT - STAR DESTROYER - HALLWAY
Preston and the dazed VR tech approach the guard currently blocking a door marked "Advising Room." Below this is a sliding indicator revealing that the Advising Room is currently "Occupied."
PRESTON
[urgently] We have to see the head dude.
It rapidly becomes clear that the guard in question does not like either Preston or the tech.
GUARD
[coldly] His Lordship is in private counsel with his advisor.
VR TECH
We found that ship.
GUARD
What ship?
PRESTON
You know... that ship piloted by that guy who sprang that babe from the dungeon.
VR TECH
It's really really really really important that we talk to him. Like, now.
The guard narrows his eyes.
GUARD
That ship... piloted by that guy... Do you have *any* idea how many ships there are in the system?
PRESTON
Um... a lot?
GUARD
And do you have any idea--
The door hisses open abruptly. Vetinari is wearing his helmet and a glossy black velvet bathrobe. He glares at the two younger men with barely contained annoyance.
DARTH VETINARI
[through gritted teeth] Preston. Logan. This had better be really. Bloody. Good.
Preston and Logan [apparently the VR tech] freeze momentarily. Logan sniffs, then Preston smells it too.
PRESTON
Something smells nice.
LOGAN
Yeah... Kinda like fl--
Both Preston and Logan suddenly fly up towards the opposite wall and stick there in odd poses. They shoot terrified glances at Vetinari. It is then that they remember that, flowery scent or not, Vetinari is still the villain of this movie. They start talking rapidly.
PRESTON
We-found-where-that-ship-is-you-were-looking-for--
LOGAN
I-tried-to-get-close-enough-to-get-the-license-but-a-monkey-grabbed- the-spy-droid-and-smashed-it--
PRESTON
But-I-made-sure-to-remember-where-it-was-so-we-could-find-it-again--
DARTH VETINARI
Enough! You have done well... [sotto] considering.
PRESTON / LOGAN [unison]
[with feeling] Thank you, Sith-dude.
DARTH VETINARI
For your lack of total incompetence I will allow you to see your respective next birthdays.
PRESTON / LOGAN [unison]
[with even more feeling] Thank you, Sith-dude!
DARTH VETINARI
And now, if you have nothing further, I will leave you to your own devices while I finish my appointment with my m— [stops himself, clears throat] my advisor.
With that, he turns and vanishes back through the door from whence he came. As he does:
DARTH VETINARI
[under breath] Bloody morons, just when I was getting relaxed...
The door slides shut.
Preston and Logan remain stuck to the wall for several seconds, after which interval they slide down onto the floor. After a beat, they exchange a glance.
LOGAN
Why's he wearing a bathrobe to meet with his advisor?
*****
End Part 2.