Disclaimer: See Part 1.
BTW, thanx for taking the time to review! I really appreciate it!
*****
INT - REBEL BASE
Vimes raps on the door to Angua's personal chambers.
PADME [within]
Who is it?
VIMES
It's Vimes. I need to speak with the Princess. [pause] Is she decent?
PADME [within]
Define 'decent.' She's still getting ready for her journey.
VIMES
She better hurry. I'm getting ready to batten down the hatches here in case we get visited. And once the doors are sealed—
The door slides open partway to accommodate a large wolflike dog with a blonde mane and a pack tied across its back. It sits down in front of him and looks at him expectantly.
VIMES
[to the dog] I guess you haven't had much of a chance lately, have you?
[the dog shakes its head]
Well, you've earned it, I guess. Taking any of the handmaidens with you?
[shake shake]
Well, you be careful, in any case—
CARROT [o.s.]
Oh! I didn't know you had a dog here.
Both Vimes and the dog look up at Carrot, surprised by his arrival. Threepio is not far behind him. Carrot crouches by the dog and scratches it behind the ears. It licks his hand.
CARROT [contd.]
[appreciatively] A purebred Ramtops wolfhound... these are so hard to find anymore.
VIMES
Uh, yes. This is, um, "Princess." She's sort of the mascot of the Rebellion.
Vimes tries to scratch "Princess" behind the ears. She warns him off with a sharp growl: Don't even think about it. He jerks his hand back out of her reach.
VIMES
[changing the subject] You wanted to see me?
CARROT
[straightening up] Yes... I'm going to be headed off to Lancre for my Jedi training pretty soon. I just need to finish packing. I'll be taking Threepio with me.
PONDER THREEPIO
Wait a second... I thought I was going to go with Her Majesty to Uberwald.
VIMES
One way to settle this...
They all pull out their respective copies of the script and flip to the proper page. Even the dog pulls a script out of its pack and paws it open. After a few moments of silent reading:
CARROT
My copy says you're going with me and Artoo is going with Angua.
VIMES
So does mine.
The dog nods in agreement.
PONDER THREEPIO
That's odd... mine says I go with Her Majesty. And I made sure to get my own copy of the droid script.
They glance at one another, then as one they turn to the camera.
CARROT / VIMES / PONDER THREEPIO [unison]
[to slightly left of camera] Mr. Lucas!
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR [o.s.]
He's on his lunch break right now. Maybe I can help?
PONDER THREEPIO
Am I supposed to go with Master Carrot to Lancre, or with Her Majesty to Uberwald?
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR [o.s.]
Well, what does the script say?
PONDER THREEPIO
Well, right now three out of four scripts say I go with Master Carrot. But mine says I go with Her Majesty.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR [o.s.]
Well, majority rules, I guess. Who knows what George has in mind?
All close their scripts.
PONDER THREEPIO
Well... looks like I'm going with Master Carrot after all. Which means that Artoo is going to Uberwald.
VIMES
Looks like it. [to Carrot] You'll find a ship in the underground hangar. You *do* know how to fly, don't you?
CARROT
Some.
VIMES
[apprehensive] Do you know how to get to Lancre?
CARROT
I'm sure Threepio can show me. Once we're there, everything should work out fine.
PONDER THREEPIO
[sotto] Not bloody likely.
Exeunt Carrot and Threepio.
"PRINCESS"
[to Vimes] Mascot?!
Vimes shrugs.
VIMES
I didn't hear *you* coming up with a better excuse.
"PRINCESS"
Watch it. I still outrank you.
The dog pads away.
VIMES
[sotto, wearily] Yes, Your Majesty...
INT - MILLENNIUM FALCON - LATER
Ridcully settles into the pilot's chair, next to Chewbacca. The ape appears to be performing some last-minute diagnostics on the ship's computer. As Ridcully prepares the Falcon for takeoff, Chewie looks over at him, staring at the side of Ridcully's head until Ridcully turns to look at him.
RIDCULLY
What?
[Chewie keeps looking at him very hard]
Look... Jabba already wants my head. Now I've got the overlord of the galaxy breathing down my neck. What do you expect me to do?
[Chewie folds his arms and continues scowling at him]
Stop looking at me like that. I'm not going to change my mind. No matter how big of a guilt trip you try to lay on me.
Chewie puckers his lips and makes a rude noise at Ridcully. Ridcully returns his gaze to the windscreen and begins powering up the ship.
VAROOOM!
Ridcully and Chewbacca both recoil in surprise as another, smaller ship roars past, right across the Falcon's nose. Ridcully shakes his fist after it.
RIDCULLY
[shouting] Why don't you learn to drive, you damned whippersnapper?!
[startled pause]
[more quietly] Oh gods... Did I just say 'whippersnapper'?!
[Chewie nods, every bit as horrified as Ridcully]
I'm getting too old for this. [defiantly, off Chewie's look of concern] But I'm not too old yet!
He punches the throttle, and the Falcon roars upwards and away from the Rebel base.
INT - CARROT'S SHIP
Both Carrot and Threepio, in the cockpit, are looking back at the Falcon, which they have just accidentally buzzed.
CARROT
[sheepish] Sorry...
PONDER THREEPIO
I really don't think Ridcully appreciated that. How many times have you flown, anyway?
CARROT
Including this trip?
PONDER THREEPIO
[certain he isn't going to like the answer] Erm... yes. [realizing] This isn't your first flight is it?
CARROT
No, of course not.
PONDER THREEPIO
[relaxing a bit] Good.
CARROT
It's my third.
Threepio stares at him for a moment in horrified fascination.
PONDER THREEPIO
Your... th... th... third...?
CARROT
[sheepish] I think I almost have the hang of it.
PONDER THREEPIO
I'm going to die.
CARROT
Not necessarily. If we crash, I can reassemble you.
PONDER THREEPIO
But who's going to reassemble *you*?
CARROT
Hm. I never really thought of that.
PAN to watch the ship roar away onto the distance, then PAN down to "Princess" and Artoo watching it fly away. Then they head out on their way to Uberwald, leaving pawprints and scooter tracks in the sand.
INT - STAR DESTROYER - VR STATION
Preston and Logan are preparing to impress the hell out of Vetinari when he arrives. Logan feeds the recorded images into the computer, while Preston rapidly zeroes in on the precise location where the Falcon was found. Distantly, they hear the Imperial March approaching from down the hall.
Darth Vetinari, still fidgeting with the shoulder-clasps on his cloak, strides down the corridor towards the VR Station in perfect cadence to his theme. He makes sure he looks properly menacing before opening the door and entering the station.
Preston and Logan look up from their work as he enters and stand to attention. He glares at both of them, as if daring them to further comment on the lilac scent he still wears.
DARTH VETINARI
Well? You said you knew where this ship was.
PRESTON
Yessir, Sith-dude... just turn your most evil gaze towards yonder holographic projector thingy and watch.
Vetinari turns to regard the indicated thingy, and Logan taps a few keys on the console. A few seconds later, the holographic projector explodes into life with a fully three-dimensional multimedia presentation. Vetinari reels as a rock-orchestra rendition of Mozart's "Marriage of Figaro" assails his tender sensibilities. He notices with some distaste that the holographic A'Tuin and all four elephants on the star-turtle's back are wearing reflective shades. He casts a dark look at Preston and Logan, on whom the effect is completely lost.
LOGAN
All right, Sith-dude, we are here.
A large red arrow, labelled "YOU ARE HERE," appears next to a small, roughly wedge-shaped speck high above the Discworld.
PRESTON
We found the ship... [type type] here.
The image rotates and increases in scale until the country Rimward of the Circle Sea, helpfully labeled "Klatch," hovers about two inches from Vetinari's face. Another, smaller, red arrow appears in the small gap between Vetinari and the holographic country, and blinks helpfully at a structure in the Klatchian wasteland that is so tiny that Vetinari must squint to see it. Abruptly the image swells again, startling Vetinari, so that the small Rebel base and the Millennium Falcon are more clearly visible. The red arrow is now seen to be pointing at the ship itself.
DARTH VETINARI
Good work. Could you please turn off that gods-awful music?
LOGAN
But... we thought you liked Mozart...
Vetinari turns to face them coldly.
DARTH VETINARI
I *do* enjoy Mozart... but not when it's been butchered by a so-called musician with an amplifier! Now [echo] turn it! Off! [/echo]
Logan pales and hurriedly cuts out the presentation's soundtrack.
Vetinari nods sharply, then return his attention to the holographic structure.
DARTH VETINARI
I will need the precise location of this building.
Preston taps the Sith Lord on one shoulder guard. Vetinari turns, and Preston hands him a printout.
DARTH VETINARI
What's this?
PRESTON
The precise location of the building.
Vetinari narrows his eyes slightly, then snatches the printout away from Preston and scans it keenly. After a few beats he glances sideways at Preston again.
DARTH VETINARI
[sotto] Everybody's a smartass.
He turns with a flourish of his cape and leaves, accompanied by the Imperial March once again. After the door slides closed:
LOGAN
[to Preston] Hey Bill, I think we just totally impressed the head dude.
PRESTON / LOGAN [unison]
Excellent!
They exchange a high-five, and then perform a synchronized double air- guitar.
INT - REBEL BASE
BING.
A Rebel technician peers over the top edge of a magazine he'd been reading and looks at the radar screen.
BING.
He looks with considerable trepidation at the screen.
BING.
REBEL TECH [into headset]
Sir, I've got a blip.
VIMES [through headset]
What kind of a blip is it?
BING.
REBEL TECH [into headset]
I don't think it's a friendly blip. [pause] It's red.
BING.
REBEL TECH [contd, into headset]
And it's getting closer.
ON VIMES,
wearing a similar headset.
VIMES [into headset]
See if you can get a better reading on it. If you get jammed at any point, execute emergency procedure 239.
REBEL TECH [through headset]
You mean run around screaming like an imbecile?
Vimes puts his hand over his eyes.
VIMES [into headset]
No! That's emergency procedure 237!
REBEL TECH [through headset]
Then what's emergency procedure 239?
VIMES [into headsett]
[as patiently as he can] Shut down your terminal and get to defense positions!
REBEL TECH [through headset]
Okay. [long pause] Sir?
VIMES [into headset]
What?
REBEL TECH [through headset]
I have good news and bad news.
VIMES [into headset]
[sotto] Oh gods... [bracing himself] What's the good news?
REBEL TECH [through headset]
The red blip has stopped its approach, about two kilometers up.
VIMES [into headset]
[dreading] And the bad news?
REBEL TECH [through headset]
It's released a bunch of smaller red blips that are headed this way.
VIMES
Dammit! [into headset] Battlestations!
His voice echoes now through the intercom throughout the base. Anonymous Rebels scramble through the hallways, theoretically according to some sort of drill that they may have practiced before.
VIMES [intercom]
Come on, people, we knew this would happen eventually! You all know where you need to go, now go there!
Human pilots vault into fighter vessels and fasten their helmets as other pilots rocket past them into the impending battle. Dwarves and trolls thunder through the armoury and grab suitable weapons - axes, mainly; though a handful of the trolls favor massive ballistas, which they wield like crossbows.
OUTSIDE,
The Imperial attackers fly low over the base, peppering the real estate with laser fire. The Rebel forces scream out of the hangar through a massive sliding panel hidden just under the desertscape to meet the attackers and exchange niceties and firepower. Under this cover, a number of civilian passenger ships thunder out of the hangar and away to parts unknown.
An Imperial attacker swoops low to shoot at a troll ballistaman and learns why you shouldn't do that - the troll fires at the attacker with what amounts to a small tree with a barbed metal point on its business end, which tears through the vessel's wing nicely and sends the whole affair pinwheeling gracelessly to explode on the tarmac.
The Rebel defenders fight valiantly against the Imperial vessels, but the Rebels are relatively disorganized compared to the predatory precision of the Empire. It soon becomes apparent that more Rebels than Imperials are being destroyed. As the defense weakens, the attackers turn their attention to securing the base itself.
INSIDE,
Rincewind, hearing all the explosions and ruckus outside, huddles deeper into the maintenance corridor, or tries to. One of his hands - his lightsaber hand - grabs the lapels of his robe as if powered by an unseen force and gives him a solid shake. He yelps and tries to push his own hand away, getting a slap to the face in response. He grabs his errant hand by the wrist and holds it away from him.
RINCEWIND
[addressing his hand] Listen, I have had quite enough Jedi heroing for one week! I just want to hide here until it's all over... [weakly] And my friends get captured... [even weaker] And I'm left here all alone... [blinks] Cut it out!
ELSEWHERE IN THE BASE...
Vimes watches with concern as Rebel after Rebel falls under the onslaught. He wars with himself for several seconds, then comes to a decision.
VIMES [into headset]
Ridcully! Do you read me? RIDCULLY!
An explosion rocks the base, and Vimes staggers, trying to regain his balance.
INT - MILLENNIUM FALCON
Ridcully glares at the radio, then at Chewbacca.
VIMES [radio]
We're under attack! [static] forces have found the base! We're getting [static] pasted down here!
RIDCULLY
[to Chewbacca] You gave him our *hailing frequency*?!
Chewie gives him a look that dares him to do something about it. Ridcully scowls.
RIDCULLY
[sotto] Bloody treacherous monkey...
[he picks up the microphone to answer the hail]
What the hell do you want?!
VIMES [radio]
[swallowing his pride] Listen. We didn't meet on the best of terms--
RIDCULLY [into microphone]
We'll discuss our mutual hatred later! Now did you just call to talk or do you want me to save your ass?
Chewie gives Ridcully a superior smirk. Ridcully makes a rude gesture at the ape.
OUTSIDE,
most of the Rebel fighters have been defeated, and what remain are kept busy trying to fend off the now superior numbers of Imperial attackers. Thus, they are unable to address the Imperial flagship [a vessel roughly three times the size of the Falcon] coming in for a landing on the tarmac. The Imperial fighters now hover low in apparent deference to their leader as one gull-wing door opens in the side of the flagship, and Darth Vetinari and his armoured entourage exit and approach the door to the base.
A few laser blasts later, the door is open and the base has been penetrated.
DARTH VETINARI
[addressing the storm troopers] Gentlemen, we currently have two objectives. One, find the leader of the Rebel Alliance and capture him. Two, find the rogue Ridcully and capture him. If objectives one and two cannot be fulfilled, take hostages. We need leverage against both of them. As of right now, all weapons are to be set on stun. If I find that any weapons are not on stun after you begin shooting at the Rebels, you will have the advantage of learning a good many things in the last seconds of your life. Is that understood?
STORM TROOPERS [unison]
Yessir!
The storm troopers jog away deeper into the base.
Vetinari strolls casually along the corridors of his newfound acquisition and pauses by a door. He looks thoughtful, sensing something slightly amiss, and abruptly snatches open the door and thrusts his head into the dark maintenance corridor beyond. He looks around for several beats, finds nothing, and finally straightens up and goes on his way, leaving the door open.
A few beats later, we see the handle of a lightsaber start to drop from somewhere above the doorway, but it gets caught in midair by a thin hand, blurring as it moves, clad in a red sleeve.
PAN AROUND
so we are looking straight up at the ceiling of the maintenance corridor, where Rincewind hangs, spreadeagled, his ankles hooked over steam pipes and his free hand, the one not clutching the errant lightsaber handle, gripping a rafter so hard his knuckles have gone white. His hat is balanced on the back of his head to prevent its falling. He carefully rehooks the lightsaber handle onto his belt, acutely aware of how narrowly he avoided detection. Welcome to Creative Cowardice 101.
OUTSIDE...
The Millennium Falcon hovers above the captured Rebel base. The remainder of the Imperial ships have landed out front, so the Falcon lands in back, next to the open hangar door.
Vimes and a small handful of Rebels hurry out of the hangar and over to the ship as the boarding ramp whirrs down.
Ridcully appears at the top of the ramp to greet them.
RIDCULLY
All for one, huh?
VIMES
Shut up.
He pushes past Ridcully. The next person up the ramp is SGT COLON, followed by NOBBY, then a few nameless extras.
RIDCULLY
Where's Mr. Jedi Master?
COLON
We couldn't find him anywhere. I assume that he was on one of the civvie transports that left when we got attacked.
VIMES [within]
Any word on my wife? [to Nobby] I thought I told you to go find her.
NOBBY
Well, I saw her dragons getting loaded onto one of the transports, and you know her and those dragons.
VIMES
[relieved] She wouldn't leave them.
RIDCULLY
Excuse me? Did you say *dragons*?
VIMES
Swamp dragons. They're a... hobby of hers.
NOBBY
More like an obsession. You shoulda seen the look on Vimes' face the first time--
VIMES
[warning] Corporal...
NOBBY
[taking the hint] Yessir.
RIDCULLY
If everybody's aboard who's coming aboard, then let's motor. It's only a matter of time before they notice us.
Just then three storm troopers charge out of the open hangar.
RIDCULLY
Like now! Chewie!
The boarding ramp shuts as the troopers open fire. The Falcon lifts off, kicking up a small sandstorm, and the troopers retreat into the shelter of the hangar, shouting into their communicators.
As the Falcon hurtles away from the Rebel base, half a dozen Imperial fighters take off and give chase.
INT - REBEL BASE
The hallway is in a state of minor chaos as the stormtroopers secure their hostages. As Vetinari surveys their work, a trooper jogs up to the Sith Lord.
TROOPER #1
Sir, a ship identified as that belonging to Ridcully has been seen picking up Rebels from the hangar. Our pilots are giving chase now.
DARTH VETINARI
Good. I want that ship captured immediately. I will not accept failure.
EXT - THE CHASE
The Falcon, going full-throttle, bobs and weaves to avoid the laser fire of the pursuing fighters.
INT - MILLENNIUM FALCON
Ridcully glares straight ahead, dodging the incoming laser fire by instinct alone as the ship hurtles steadily Rimwards.
VIMES
I sure as hell hope you know what you're doing!
RIDCULLY
Oh, yeah. I've done this lots of times.
VIMES
You get chased and shot at a lot?
RIDCULLY
Things like this let you know you're alive.
VIMES
I'll take your word for it.
RIDCULLY
Better grab onto something.
VIMES
Wh—?
Ridcully pushes the Little Red Button. The Falcon surges forward. Vimes tumbles backward.
INT - REBEL BASE
A small cluster of stormtroopers have someone cautiously at a standoff in a cul-de-sac. We don't see who the lucky contestant is just yet.
TROOPER #2
There's no escape. Just put. The dragon. D—
A tongue of blue-green flame roars out of the cul-de-sac, forcing the troopers to dive for cover. Before they can recover, a figure with a three- foot-long swamp dragon tucked under one arm like a bagpipe dashes out of the cul-de-sac and leaps over the troopers.
The troopers scramble to their feet and give chase, firing at the fleeing back, knocking the Rebel down. The dragon leaps away as its handler falls, scrambling away from the excitement as fast as it can.
The stormtroopers approach the fallen Rebel and turn the body over. It is a sturdily-built woman on her late thirties, wearing thick padding around her forearms which clash horribly with her noblewoman's dress. Meet LADY SYBIL RAMKIN.
As the troopers lean down to pick her up, her eyes suddenly open and she punches the nearest trooper in the head hard enough to knock him against a wall. She manages to kick another in the knee and a third squarely in the codpiece before a fourth trooper slams the butt of his rifle against her temple, knocking her out. The uninjured troopers pick her up under her arms and start to drag her out of the base.
*****
End Part 3.
BTW, thanx for taking the time to review! I really appreciate it!
*****
INT - REBEL BASE
Vimes raps on the door to Angua's personal chambers.
PADME [within]
Who is it?
VIMES
It's Vimes. I need to speak with the Princess. [pause] Is she decent?
PADME [within]
Define 'decent.' She's still getting ready for her journey.
VIMES
She better hurry. I'm getting ready to batten down the hatches here in case we get visited. And once the doors are sealed—
The door slides open partway to accommodate a large wolflike dog with a blonde mane and a pack tied across its back. It sits down in front of him and looks at him expectantly.
VIMES
[to the dog] I guess you haven't had much of a chance lately, have you?
[the dog shakes its head]
Well, you've earned it, I guess. Taking any of the handmaidens with you?
[shake shake]
Well, you be careful, in any case—
CARROT [o.s.]
Oh! I didn't know you had a dog here.
Both Vimes and the dog look up at Carrot, surprised by his arrival. Threepio is not far behind him. Carrot crouches by the dog and scratches it behind the ears. It licks his hand.
CARROT [contd.]
[appreciatively] A purebred Ramtops wolfhound... these are so hard to find anymore.
VIMES
Uh, yes. This is, um, "Princess." She's sort of the mascot of the Rebellion.
Vimes tries to scratch "Princess" behind the ears. She warns him off with a sharp growl: Don't even think about it. He jerks his hand back out of her reach.
VIMES
[changing the subject] You wanted to see me?
CARROT
[straightening up] Yes... I'm going to be headed off to Lancre for my Jedi training pretty soon. I just need to finish packing. I'll be taking Threepio with me.
PONDER THREEPIO
Wait a second... I thought I was going to go with Her Majesty to Uberwald.
VIMES
One way to settle this...
They all pull out their respective copies of the script and flip to the proper page. Even the dog pulls a script out of its pack and paws it open. After a few moments of silent reading:
CARROT
My copy says you're going with me and Artoo is going with Angua.
VIMES
So does mine.
The dog nods in agreement.
PONDER THREEPIO
That's odd... mine says I go with Her Majesty. And I made sure to get my own copy of the droid script.
They glance at one another, then as one they turn to the camera.
CARROT / VIMES / PONDER THREEPIO [unison]
[to slightly left of camera] Mr. Lucas!
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR [o.s.]
He's on his lunch break right now. Maybe I can help?
PONDER THREEPIO
Am I supposed to go with Master Carrot to Lancre, or with Her Majesty to Uberwald?
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR [o.s.]
Well, what does the script say?
PONDER THREEPIO
Well, right now three out of four scripts say I go with Master Carrot. But mine says I go with Her Majesty.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR [o.s.]
Well, majority rules, I guess. Who knows what George has in mind?
All close their scripts.
PONDER THREEPIO
Well... looks like I'm going with Master Carrot after all. Which means that Artoo is going to Uberwald.
VIMES
Looks like it. [to Carrot] You'll find a ship in the underground hangar. You *do* know how to fly, don't you?
CARROT
Some.
VIMES
[apprehensive] Do you know how to get to Lancre?
CARROT
I'm sure Threepio can show me. Once we're there, everything should work out fine.
PONDER THREEPIO
[sotto] Not bloody likely.
Exeunt Carrot and Threepio.
"PRINCESS"
[to Vimes] Mascot?!
Vimes shrugs.
VIMES
I didn't hear *you* coming up with a better excuse.
"PRINCESS"
Watch it. I still outrank you.
The dog pads away.
VIMES
[sotto, wearily] Yes, Your Majesty...
INT - MILLENNIUM FALCON - LATER
Ridcully settles into the pilot's chair, next to Chewbacca. The ape appears to be performing some last-minute diagnostics on the ship's computer. As Ridcully prepares the Falcon for takeoff, Chewie looks over at him, staring at the side of Ridcully's head until Ridcully turns to look at him.
RIDCULLY
What?
[Chewie keeps looking at him very hard]
Look... Jabba already wants my head. Now I've got the overlord of the galaxy breathing down my neck. What do you expect me to do?
[Chewie folds his arms and continues scowling at him]
Stop looking at me like that. I'm not going to change my mind. No matter how big of a guilt trip you try to lay on me.
Chewie puckers his lips and makes a rude noise at Ridcully. Ridcully returns his gaze to the windscreen and begins powering up the ship.
VAROOOM!
Ridcully and Chewbacca both recoil in surprise as another, smaller ship roars past, right across the Falcon's nose. Ridcully shakes his fist after it.
RIDCULLY
[shouting] Why don't you learn to drive, you damned whippersnapper?!
[startled pause]
[more quietly] Oh gods... Did I just say 'whippersnapper'?!
[Chewie nods, every bit as horrified as Ridcully]
I'm getting too old for this. [defiantly, off Chewie's look of concern] But I'm not too old yet!
He punches the throttle, and the Falcon roars upwards and away from the Rebel base.
INT - CARROT'S SHIP
Both Carrot and Threepio, in the cockpit, are looking back at the Falcon, which they have just accidentally buzzed.
CARROT
[sheepish] Sorry...
PONDER THREEPIO
I really don't think Ridcully appreciated that. How many times have you flown, anyway?
CARROT
Including this trip?
PONDER THREEPIO
[certain he isn't going to like the answer] Erm... yes. [realizing] This isn't your first flight is it?
CARROT
No, of course not.
PONDER THREEPIO
[relaxing a bit] Good.
CARROT
It's my third.
Threepio stares at him for a moment in horrified fascination.
PONDER THREEPIO
Your... th... th... third...?
CARROT
[sheepish] I think I almost have the hang of it.
PONDER THREEPIO
I'm going to die.
CARROT
Not necessarily. If we crash, I can reassemble you.
PONDER THREEPIO
But who's going to reassemble *you*?
CARROT
Hm. I never really thought of that.
PAN to watch the ship roar away onto the distance, then PAN down to "Princess" and Artoo watching it fly away. Then they head out on their way to Uberwald, leaving pawprints and scooter tracks in the sand.
INT - STAR DESTROYER - VR STATION
Preston and Logan are preparing to impress the hell out of Vetinari when he arrives. Logan feeds the recorded images into the computer, while Preston rapidly zeroes in on the precise location where the Falcon was found. Distantly, they hear the Imperial March approaching from down the hall.
Darth Vetinari, still fidgeting with the shoulder-clasps on his cloak, strides down the corridor towards the VR Station in perfect cadence to his theme. He makes sure he looks properly menacing before opening the door and entering the station.
Preston and Logan look up from their work as he enters and stand to attention. He glares at both of them, as if daring them to further comment on the lilac scent he still wears.
DARTH VETINARI
Well? You said you knew where this ship was.
PRESTON
Yessir, Sith-dude... just turn your most evil gaze towards yonder holographic projector thingy and watch.
Vetinari turns to regard the indicated thingy, and Logan taps a few keys on the console. A few seconds later, the holographic projector explodes into life with a fully three-dimensional multimedia presentation. Vetinari reels as a rock-orchestra rendition of Mozart's "Marriage of Figaro" assails his tender sensibilities. He notices with some distaste that the holographic A'Tuin and all four elephants on the star-turtle's back are wearing reflective shades. He casts a dark look at Preston and Logan, on whom the effect is completely lost.
LOGAN
All right, Sith-dude, we are here.
A large red arrow, labelled "YOU ARE HERE," appears next to a small, roughly wedge-shaped speck high above the Discworld.
PRESTON
We found the ship... [type type] here.
The image rotates and increases in scale until the country Rimward of the Circle Sea, helpfully labeled "Klatch," hovers about two inches from Vetinari's face. Another, smaller, red arrow appears in the small gap between Vetinari and the holographic country, and blinks helpfully at a structure in the Klatchian wasteland that is so tiny that Vetinari must squint to see it. Abruptly the image swells again, startling Vetinari, so that the small Rebel base and the Millennium Falcon are more clearly visible. The red arrow is now seen to be pointing at the ship itself.
DARTH VETINARI
Good work. Could you please turn off that gods-awful music?
LOGAN
But... we thought you liked Mozart...
Vetinari turns to face them coldly.
DARTH VETINARI
I *do* enjoy Mozart... but not when it's been butchered by a so-called musician with an amplifier! Now [echo] turn it! Off! [/echo]
Logan pales and hurriedly cuts out the presentation's soundtrack.
Vetinari nods sharply, then return his attention to the holographic structure.
DARTH VETINARI
I will need the precise location of this building.
Preston taps the Sith Lord on one shoulder guard. Vetinari turns, and Preston hands him a printout.
DARTH VETINARI
What's this?
PRESTON
The precise location of the building.
Vetinari narrows his eyes slightly, then snatches the printout away from Preston and scans it keenly. After a few beats he glances sideways at Preston again.
DARTH VETINARI
[sotto] Everybody's a smartass.
He turns with a flourish of his cape and leaves, accompanied by the Imperial March once again. After the door slides closed:
LOGAN
[to Preston] Hey Bill, I think we just totally impressed the head dude.
PRESTON / LOGAN [unison]
Excellent!
They exchange a high-five, and then perform a synchronized double air- guitar.
INT - REBEL BASE
BING.
A Rebel technician peers over the top edge of a magazine he'd been reading and looks at the radar screen.
BING.
He looks with considerable trepidation at the screen.
BING.
REBEL TECH [into headset]
Sir, I've got a blip.
VIMES [through headset]
What kind of a blip is it?
BING.
REBEL TECH [into headset]
I don't think it's a friendly blip. [pause] It's red.
BING.
REBEL TECH [contd, into headset]
And it's getting closer.
ON VIMES,
wearing a similar headset.
VIMES [into headset]
See if you can get a better reading on it. If you get jammed at any point, execute emergency procedure 239.
REBEL TECH [through headset]
You mean run around screaming like an imbecile?
Vimes puts his hand over his eyes.
VIMES [into headset]
No! That's emergency procedure 237!
REBEL TECH [through headset]
Then what's emergency procedure 239?
VIMES [into headsett]
[as patiently as he can] Shut down your terminal and get to defense positions!
REBEL TECH [through headset]
Okay. [long pause] Sir?
VIMES [into headset]
What?
REBEL TECH [through headset]
I have good news and bad news.
VIMES [into headset]
[sotto] Oh gods... [bracing himself] What's the good news?
REBEL TECH [through headset]
The red blip has stopped its approach, about two kilometers up.
VIMES [into headset]
[dreading] And the bad news?
REBEL TECH [through headset]
It's released a bunch of smaller red blips that are headed this way.
VIMES
Dammit! [into headset] Battlestations!
His voice echoes now through the intercom throughout the base. Anonymous Rebels scramble through the hallways, theoretically according to some sort of drill that they may have practiced before.
VIMES [intercom]
Come on, people, we knew this would happen eventually! You all know where you need to go, now go there!
Human pilots vault into fighter vessels and fasten their helmets as other pilots rocket past them into the impending battle. Dwarves and trolls thunder through the armoury and grab suitable weapons - axes, mainly; though a handful of the trolls favor massive ballistas, which they wield like crossbows.
OUTSIDE,
The Imperial attackers fly low over the base, peppering the real estate with laser fire. The Rebel forces scream out of the hangar through a massive sliding panel hidden just under the desertscape to meet the attackers and exchange niceties and firepower. Under this cover, a number of civilian passenger ships thunder out of the hangar and away to parts unknown.
An Imperial attacker swoops low to shoot at a troll ballistaman and learns why you shouldn't do that - the troll fires at the attacker with what amounts to a small tree with a barbed metal point on its business end, which tears through the vessel's wing nicely and sends the whole affair pinwheeling gracelessly to explode on the tarmac.
The Rebel defenders fight valiantly against the Imperial vessels, but the Rebels are relatively disorganized compared to the predatory precision of the Empire. It soon becomes apparent that more Rebels than Imperials are being destroyed. As the defense weakens, the attackers turn their attention to securing the base itself.
INSIDE,
Rincewind, hearing all the explosions and ruckus outside, huddles deeper into the maintenance corridor, or tries to. One of his hands - his lightsaber hand - grabs the lapels of his robe as if powered by an unseen force and gives him a solid shake. He yelps and tries to push his own hand away, getting a slap to the face in response. He grabs his errant hand by the wrist and holds it away from him.
RINCEWIND
[addressing his hand] Listen, I have had quite enough Jedi heroing for one week! I just want to hide here until it's all over... [weakly] And my friends get captured... [even weaker] And I'm left here all alone... [blinks] Cut it out!
ELSEWHERE IN THE BASE...
Vimes watches with concern as Rebel after Rebel falls under the onslaught. He wars with himself for several seconds, then comes to a decision.
VIMES [into headset]
Ridcully! Do you read me? RIDCULLY!
An explosion rocks the base, and Vimes staggers, trying to regain his balance.
INT - MILLENNIUM FALCON
Ridcully glares at the radio, then at Chewbacca.
VIMES [radio]
We're under attack! [static] forces have found the base! We're getting [static] pasted down here!
RIDCULLY
[to Chewbacca] You gave him our *hailing frequency*?!
Chewie gives him a look that dares him to do something about it. Ridcully scowls.
RIDCULLY
[sotto] Bloody treacherous monkey...
[he picks up the microphone to answer the hail]
What the hell do you want?!
VIMES [radio]
[swallowing his pride] Listen. We didn't meet on the best of terms--
RIDCULLY [into microphone]
We'll discuss our mutual hatred later! Now did you just call to talk or do you want me to save your ass?
Chewie gives Ridcully a superior smirk. Ridcully makes a rude gesture at the ape.
OUTSIDE,
most of the Rebel fighters have been defeated, and what remain are kept busy trying to fend off the now superior numbers of Imperial attackers. Thus, they are unable to address the Imperial flagship [a vessel roughly three times the size of the Falcon] coming in for a landing on the tarmac. The Imperial fighters now hover low in apparent deference to their leader as one gull-wing door opens in the side of the flagship, and Darth Vetinari and his armoured entourage exit and approach the door to the base.
A few laser blasts later, the door is open and the base has been penetrated.
DARTH VETINARI
[addressing the storm troopers] Gentlemen, we currently have two objectives. One, find the leader of the Rebel Alliance and capture him. Two, find the rogue Ridcully and capture him. If objectives one and two cannot be fulfilled, take hostages. We need leverage against both of them. As of right now, all weapons are to be set on stun. If I find that any weapons are not on stun after you begin shooting at the Rebels, you will have the advantage of learning a good many things in the last seconds of your life. Is that understood?
STORM TROOPERS [unison]
Yessir!
The storm troopers jog away deeper into the base.
Vetinari strolls casually along the corridors of his newfound acquisition and pauses by a door. He looks thoughtful, sensing something slightly amiss, and abruptly snatches open the door and thrusts his head into the dark maintenance corridor beyond. He looks around for several beats, finds nothing, and finally straightens up and goes on his way, leaving the door open.
A few beats later, we see the handle of a lightsaber start to drop from somewhere above the doorway, but it gets caught in midair by a thin hand, blurring as it moves, clad in a red sleeve.
PAN AROUND
so we are looking straight up at the ceiling of the maintenance corridor, where Rincewind hangs, spreadeagled, his ankles hooked over steam pipes and his free hand, the one not clutching the errant lightsaber handle, gripping a rafter so hard his knuckles have gone white. His hat is balanced on the back of his head to prevent its falling. He carefully rehooks the lightsaber handle onto his belt, acutely aware of how narrowly he avoided detection. Welcome to Creative Cowardice 101.
OUTSIDE...
The Millennium Falcon hovers above the captured Rebel base. The remainder of the Imperial ships have landed out front, so the Falcon lands in back, next to the open hangar door.
Vimes and a small handful of Rebels hurry out of the hangar and over to the ship as the boarding ramp whirrs down.
Ridcully appears at the top of the ramp to greet them.
RIDCULLY
All for one, huh?
VIMES
Shut up.
He pushes past Ridcully. The next person up the ramp is SGT COLON, followed by NOBBY, then a few nameless extras.
RIDCULLY
Where's Mr. Jedi Master?
COLON
We couldn't find him anywhere. I assume that he was on one of the civvie transports that left when we got attacked.
VIMES [within]
Any word on my wife? [to Nobby] I thought I told you to go find her.
NOBBY
Well, I saw her dragons getting loaded onto one of the transports, and you know her and those dragons.
VIMES
[relieved] She wouldn't leave them.
RIDCULLY
Excuse me? Did you say *dragons*?
VIMES
Swamp dragons. They're a... hobby of hers.
NOBBY
More like an obsession. You shoulda seen the look on Vimes' face the first time--
VIMES
[warning] Corporal...
NOBBY
[taking the hint] Yessir.
RIDCULLY
If everybody's aboard who's coming aboard, then let's motor. It's only a matter of time before they notice us.
Just then three storm troopers charge out of the open hangar.
RIDCULLY
Like now! Chewie!
The boarding ramp shuts as the troopers open fire. The Falcon lifts off, kicking up a small sandstorm, and the troopers retreat into the shelter of the hangar, shouting into their communicators.
As the Falcon hurtles away from the Rebel base, half a dozen Imperial fighters take off and give chase.
INT - REBEL BASE
The hallway is in a state of minor chaos as the stormtroopers secure their hostages. As Vetinari surveys their work, a trooper jogs up to the Sith Lord.
TROOPER #1
Sir, a ship identified as that belonging to Ridcully has been seen picking up Rebels from the hangar. Our pilots are giving chase now.
DARTH VETINARI
Good. I want that ship captured immediately. I will not accept failure.
EXT - THE CHASE
The Falcon, going full-throttle, bobs and weaves to avoid the laser fire of the pursuing fighters.
INT - MILLENNIUM FALCON
Ridcully glares straight ahead, dodging the incoming laser fire by instinct alone as the ship hurtles steadily Rimwards.
VIMES
I sure as hell hope you know what you're doing!
RIDCULLY
Oh, yeah. I've done this lots of times.
VIMES
You get chased and shot at a lot?
RIDCULLY
Things like this let you know you're alive.
VIMES
I'll take your word for it.
RIDCULLY
Better grab onto something.
VIMES
Wh—?
Ridcully pushes the Little Red Button. The Falcon surges forward. Vimes tumbles backward.
INT - REBEL BASE
A small cluster of stormtroopers have someone cautiously at a standoff in a cul-de-sac. We don't see who the lucky contestant is just yet.
TROOPER #2
There's no escape. Just put. The dragon. D—
A tongue of blue-green flame roars out of the cul-de-sac, forcing the troopers to dive for cover. Before they can recover, a figure with a three- foot-long swamp dragon tucked under one arm like a bagpipe dashes out of the cul-de-sac and leaps over the troopers.
The troopers scramble to their feet and give chase, firing at the fleeing back, knocking the Rebel down. The dragon leaps away as its handler falls, scrambling away from the excitement as fast as it can.
The stormtroopers approach the fallen Rebel and turn the body over. It is a sturdily-built woman on her late thirties, wearing thick padding around her forearms which clash horribly with her noblewoman's dress. Meet LADY SYBIL RAMKIN.
As the troopers lean down to pick her up, her eyes suddenly open and she punches the nearest trooper in the head hard enough to knock him against a wall. She manages to kick another in the knee and a third squarely in the codpiece before a fourth trooper slams the butt of his rifle against her temple, knocking her out. The uninjured troopers pick her up under her arms and start to drag her out of the base.
*****
End Part 3.