VimesLady - You want suspense?! I'll give ya suspense!
Disclaimer: See Part 1
*****
EXT - THE CHASE
The Falcon is now traveling over the open sea. Two of the pursuers have been knocked out by the methane blast, but the four remainders are still in the race and closing the distance.
Ahead, the water drops off abruptly as they near the Rimfall, the mist refracting the magical field of the Disc into the eight-coloured Rimbow.
INT - MILLENNIUM FALCON
VIMES
You *do* know what that is ahead, don't you?
RIDCULLY
Yup.
VIMES
The edge of the Disc.
RIDCULLY
Yup.
VIMES
Ever done this before?
RIDCULLY
Yup.
VIMES
Did it work?
RIDCULLY
[after a pause] Define 'work'.
He shoves down on the controls, and...
EXT - THE RIM
...the Falcon plunges over the Rimfall. It continues straight down the ragged cliff-edge of the Disc, scything through the waters of the Rimfall in a spray of refracted colours.
One of the fighters, seeing this apparently suicidal move, breaks off pursuit, but the remaining three mimic the maneuver. A fighter overcompensates in an effort to keep the Falcon in sight, and it ricochets off a rocky overhang, spiraling off into space in a shower of sparks. Four down, two to go, and the two to go are still hanging on.
INT - MILLENNIUM FALCON
Vimes clutches the back of the command chair, scarcely believing that the crazy old coot therein is actually doing this. Ridcully and Chewie are locked in nearly identical postures of navigational concentration; one false move now and they would be so much debris.
VIMES
Ridcully, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!
RIDCULLY
Just saying hi to the downstairs neighbors...
VIMES
You're actually thinking of flying *under* the Disc?! Are you CRAZY?!
RIDCULLY
They'd be crazy to follow us, wouldn't they?
VIMES
[beat] That's not the point and you know it!
EXT - MILLENNIUM FALCON
After several interminable seconds they clear the bottom edge of the Rim, and the ship completes the maneuver, following the contours of the Rim around to the shaded side of the Disc and executing a half-turn so they are upright again. The ship's lights come on, illuminating the right ear of an unimaginably huge Elephant. The ship maneuvers to pass beneath the Elephant, scarcely a microscopic speck compared to the creature's bulk, as the Disc slowly grinds past on the creature's shoulders.
The Elephant tosses its head as the Imperial fighters come around the bottom edge of the Rim, and they are forced to maneuver frantically to avoid the massive trunk. They dive under the Elephant, into the inverted canyon between its forelegs.
Now comes the tricky part.
The Falcon weaves its way around the huge leathery legs belonging to the four cosmic-sized Elephants, at times zooming dangerously close to the meteor-pocked shell of the even bigger Turtle they all stand on. One of the Elephants idly shifts its weight from one hindfoot to the other, and the Falcon dives into the space that forms between the huge foot and the shell beneath. After a moment of hesitation, one of the fighters follows.
The tiny ship races to get through the gap that even now is starting to close. The smooth footpad looms overhead, and up ahead the gap that leads to freedom and relative safety becomes narrower... and narrower...
INT - MILLENNIUM FALCON
Chewie covers his eyes with his hands and hunkers down in the copilot's seat. Vimes is almost strangling the command chair - or Ridcully in effigy. Ridcully's teeth are bared as he concentrates on that little gap.
VIMES
[sotto] Not gonna make it...
RIDCULLY
We're gonna make it!
The gap continues to narrow.
VIMES
Not gonna make it...
RIDCULLY
Godsdammit, do you wanna fly the bloody ship?! WE ARE GOING... TO MAKE IT!
EXT - THE CHASE
Indeed, at the very last possible second the Falcon squirts out of the gap like a tiddlywink, kicking up a few sparks as its rear end is nudged downwards by the Elephant's heel to bounce lightly off A'Tuin's shell.
INT - MILLENNIUM FALCON
Ridcully fights with the controls to stabilize the ship. Somewhere behind, we hear a muffled explosion from the less-fortunate Imperial fighter as it is crushed under the Elephant's foot. Vimes is pale, and looks like his life just flashed before his eyes when the ship got bounced. Ridcully wipes the sweat from his brow with his sleeve and exhales heavily.
RIDCULLY
See? Nothing to it.
They hear the other fighter approaching.
RIDCULLY [contd]
Whoops. Looks like we'll have to do that again.
VIMES
[strangled protest]
RIDCULLY
Kidding, kidding. Keep your dress tunic on, willya?
EXT - THE CHASE
The last Imperial fighter approaches the scene and searches around the Elephant's foot with its lights. The Falcon is nowhere to be seen.
RAPID PAN UP TO:
THE MILLENNIUM FALCON
parked, nose-downwards, on a gently curving, rocky-looking surface. CAMERA pulls back to reveal more of their parking spot. As the Falcon dwindles away to a mere speck on the shadowy surface, at the left edge of the frame some sort of geographical formation becomes visible - a roughly wedge- shaped formation that presently moves, flicking a brush of stringy hair over the now merely pebbly surface.
VIMES [o.s.]
Remind me again why we're parked on the ass of a giant elephant?
RIDCULLY [o.s.]
It's called 'hiding', Vimes. Certainly you've heard of it.
INT - MILLENNIUM FALCON
Through the windscreen, they watch as the distant Imperial fighter hunts around a bit more, finally concludes that the Falcon got stepped on as well, and flies away.
INT - REBEL BASE
Rincewind opens a maintenance door about an inch and watches from about six inches above the floor as Lady Sybil is dragged towards the flagship. He chews his bottom lip anxiously, debating his next course of action. Something chirps at him inside the maintenance corridor. He bangs his head on the doorjamb in a reflexive escape attempt.
As he rubs his bruised temple, he looks over at the source of the chirping, and sees a sad, abandoned-looking swamp dragon. The dragon whines mournfully and looks at him with big puppy-eyes.
RINCEWIND
Oh... you were with... [indicates Lady Sybil outside]
The dragon chirps at him. Rincewind's heart melts and he scoops up the little dragon.
RINCEWIND [contd.]
We have to get out of here. It isn't safe.
He peers through the door to makes sure the coast is clear, then bursts through at a sprint, the swamp dragon under his arm with its tail curled around his waist under his cloak and its head held straight out, making for an amusing silhouette.
EXT - REBEL BASE
As he plows through the main door of the base, the Imperial flagship is just starting to take off. He starts to run to one side, away from the flagship, but suddenly he turns, skidding on the tarmac and starts pelting towards the flagship, blurring as he runs.
RINCEWIND
Don't wanna do this...
He watches, still sprinting, as the landing skids lift off the tarmac.
RINCEWIND [contd.]
Don't wanna do this...!
The skids are about six feet off the tarmac as he leaps desperately for one of them.
RINCEWIND [contd.]
Don't wanna do this!
His free hand briefly closes on the strut itself, sending the edge of the skid into his stomach and knocking the wind out of him. His fingers slip, and he slides back, now clinging to the edge of the skid with a hand now darkened with motor grease as the ground gets further and further away. He starts to panic.
RINCEWIND [contd.]
OhShitOhShitOhShit...
The swamp dragon wriggles out from under his arm and claws its way up him until it is standing on the landing skid. It wraps its tail around the landing strut and grabs Rincewind's sleeve in its teeth, growling slightly as it attempts to pull him up.
Rincewind wipes his now-free hand on his trousers to remove the sweat and grabs onto the skid a little more securely. He swings his legs up until he catches one heel on the landing skid and attempts to pull the rest of himself up. The swamp dragon abandons his sleeve to tug on his trouser cuff, helping to pull him onto the skid.
Once he is relatively safe on the skid, clinging to the strut like it might suddenly decide to kick him away, he pauses, trying to get his breath back. The swamp dragon snuggles up next to him, gurgling happily, and he scratches it behind the ear-frills in gratitude. Presently the ship retracts its landing struts - and its two new passengers - into its belly.
EXT - LANCRE
The tiny vessel Carrot pilots zooms low over a rich green field.
INT - VESSEL
Threepio is trying to navigate Carrot to a safe landing spot.
PONDER THREEPIO
Pull up! If we try to land at this speed you'll take the skids right off!
Carrot eases up on the throttle slightly.
CARROT
You know, you said Lancre would be a tough place to try to land... looks okay to me.
EXT - VESSEL
The ship sideswipes a shrub protruding through the greenery, causing the ship to rock to one side.
INT - VESSEL
Threepio shouts in alarm as the ship starts to skid and bounce. Carrot is focused on the task of landing, his gaze flickering back and forth between the windscreen and the control panel.
EXT - VESSEL
The landing skids whirr out, snatching at the ground below.
INT - VESSEL
The ship bounces and skids to a very rocky landing. Once the ship has stopped moving, Carrot, pleased with the result, powers down the ship and begins unfastening his seat harness. He pauses and tilts his head as they both hear an ominous groaning sound beneath them
Threepio's expression changes from relief to unpleasant realization.
PONDER THREEPIO
Master Carrot?
CARROT
Yes?
PONDER THREEPIO
I just realized something very important.
CARROT
What's that?
PONDER THREEPIO
There *are* no green fields in Lancre! Hang on—!
The protocol droid reflexively wraps his arms around Carrot's shoulders to brace him as...
EXT - VESSEL
The ship suddenly pitches sharply to one side amid the sound of branches snapping, then vanishes from sight as they plunge uncontrollably through the forest canopy.
ON THE VESSEL
as it is bounced and jolted from one branch to another, breaking them off under its weight and momentum. Though the fall is slowed somewhat by the branches, they still hit the ground hard when they run out of branches before they run out of momentum. It balances on its nose for about fifteen seconds, then tips over like a massive domino.
FWOOOSH!
The muddy water explodes from the previously solid skin of lichen and algae at the impact, and the little ship floats, belly-up, on the surface of a stagnant lake in the middle of the dank Lancrastian swamp. After a startled pause:
CARROT [within]
I'd say that went relatively well, wouldn't you?
PONDER THREEPIO [within]
With all due respect, sir... go bugger yourself.
From somewhere underwater, we hear the door open, and the air that had been in the cockpit now burbles out on one side of the ship. Carrot surfaces after a few seconds, catching his breath and treading water, and looks around at where they've ended up. Near him, the cubical supply boxes bob to the surface, and Carrot starts pushing them towards the shore.
CARROT
Threepio, could you give me a hand here?
Threepio's head appears above the surface of the water.
PONDER THREEPIO
I think it's best if I secure the ship first and make sure there isn't any dangerous wildlife nearby we need to watch out for.
CARROT
That sounds like a good plan. By the way, I hope these boxes are watertight or we're going to have a lot of wet supplies.
PONDER THREEPIO
The probability of one of those boxes leaking is very close to nil. Now, if you'll excuse me...
He drops gently back below the surface. Through the muddy water, Carrot sees twin beams of light appear and cast about slowly as Threepio checks.
UNDERWATER...
Threepio walks along the lake bottom, his eyes glowing and the light amplified by his spectacles until the resulting illumination is similar to that from the flashlights used by the FBI in "The X-Files."
A vague shadow looms out of the cloudy darkness near him, and presently the droid turns, stepping back in alarm as his gaze abruptly reveals what appears to be some dangerous wildlife - something like a giant moray eel with webbed claws.
PONDER THREEPIO
[note: since Threepio has a synthesizer, he is able to talk clearly underwater.]
OH SHIT!
ON CARROT
as he hears this shout of alarm and looks up from his task.
PONDER THREEPIO [from underwater]
Master Carrot!
Carrot turns, his blaster drawn, just in time to see the churning water settle down. He looks around frantically for any sign of the protocol droid.
CARROT
Threepio?!
[no answer]
THREEPIO!
Suddenly the water explodes as Threepio, screaming at the top of his synthesizer, is spit out of the lake.
Carrot watches the droid's graceful trajectory as Threepio, still screaming, sails high over the fen. [note: we do not actually see Threepio, only Carrot, at this point.] He winces as the droid impacts and slides with a drawn-out, muddy sound that ends with a very solid-sounding THUD. Carrot flinches at this last sound, then jogs over to see if Threepio is okay.
He comes to the beginning of a furrow in the mud, which gets deeper as Carrot follows it, and ends in a pile of mud huddled against a tree. He approaches the pile of mud carefully.
CARROT
Threepio? Are you okay?
PONDER THREEPIO [inside the pile of mud]
[flatly] Just dandy. I have water in my servos, moss in my joints, and mud in places I didn't even know droids had. HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?!
Carrot jumps slightly at the outburst.
CARROT
Do you need some help?
PONDER THREEPIO
That would be lovely, sir.
Carrot begins digging the mud away with his bare hands.
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]
Hi everyone, sorry I'm late.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR [o.s.]
Where have you been? We're already 45 minutes into the movie!
Carrot manages to unearth a fair portion of Threepio.
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]
It was the weirdest thing - someone welded me into my trailer while I was having lunch. Maintenance had to borrow one of the lightsabers from Props to cut me out.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR [o.s.]
Are you okay?
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]
Yeah, I'm okay... but I think script security might have been compromised. Someone hacked in and changed a couple of names around.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR [o.s.]
Which names, sir?
Carrot helps Threepio stand up. Currently, they are only half paying attention to this conversation, until:
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]
'Artoo' and 'Ponder Threepio'. It was really weird.
Threepio stares, wide-eyed, into the camera.
PONDER THREEPIO
Are you telling me... that I really wasn't supposed to be here?!
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]
Yeah. Artoo was the one who was supposed to be swallowed by a swamp monster and then spit 40 feet into a tree.
Threepio's head starts to steam.
PONDER THREEPIO
Why, that... treacherous little astromech!
Threepio starts throwing a fit, screaming obscenities in alien languages while Carrot looks on in bewilderment and concern. Polite translations flicker frenetically at the bottom of the screen until something explodes offscreen.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR [o.s.]
Wow. He broke the subtitle generator.
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]
Probably just as well. I'm trying to keep this PG-13.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR [o.s.]
Of course, this means we can't have any Artoo scenes until it's fixed.
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]
I'm sure he'll get over it.
*****
End Part 4.
Disclaimer: See Part 1
*****
EXT - THE CHASE
The Falcon is now traveling over the open sea. Two of the pursuers have been knocked out by the methane blast, but the four remainders are still in the race and closing the distance.
Ahead, the water drops off abruptly as they near the Rimfall, the mist refracting the magical field of the Disc into the eight-coloured Rimbow.
INT - MILLENNIUM FALCON
VIMES
You *do* know what that is ahead, don't you?
RIDCULLY
Yup.
VIMES
The edge of the Disc.
RIDCULLY
Yup.
VIMES
Ever done this before?
RIDCULLY
Yup.
VIMES
Did it work?
RIDCULLY
[after a pause] Define 'work'.
He shoves down on the controls, and...
EXT - THE RIM
...the Falcon plunges over the Rimfall. It continues straight down the ragged cliff-edge of the Disc, scything through the waters of the Rimfall in a spray of refracted colours.
One of the fighters, seeing this apparently suicidal move, breaks off pursuit, but the remaining three mimic the maneuver. A fighter overcompensates in an effort to keep the Falcon in sight, and it ricochets off a rocky overhang, spiraling off into space in a shower of sparks. Four down, two to go, and the two to go are still hanging on.
INT - MILLENNIUM FALCON
Vimes clutches the back of the command chair, scarcely believing that the crazy old coot therein is actually doing this. Ridcully and Chewie are locked in nearly identical postures of navigational concentration; one false move now and they would be so much debris.
VIMES
Ridcully, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!
RIDCULLY
Just saying hi to the downstairs neighbors...
VIMES
You're actually thinking of flying *under* the Disc?! Are you CRAZY?!
RIDCULLY
They'd be crazy to follow us, wouldn't they?
VIMES
[beat] That's not the point and you know it!
EXT - MILLENNIUM FALCON
After several interminable seconds they clear the bottom edge of the Rim, and the ship completes the maneuver, following the contours of the Rim around to the shaded side of the Disc and executing a half-turn so they are upright again. The ship's lights come on, illuminating the right ear of an unimaginably huge Elephant. The ship maneuvers to pass beneath the Elephant, scarcely a microscopic speck compared to the creature's bulk, as the Disc slowly grinds past on the creature's shoulders.
The Elephant tosses its head as the Imperial fighters come around the bottom edge of the Rim, and they are forced to maneuver frantically to avoid the massive trunk. They dive under the Elephant, into the inverted canyon between its forelegs.
Now comes the tricky part.
The Falcon weaves its way around the huge leathery legs belonging to the four cosmic-sized Elephants, at times zooming dangerously close to the meteor-pocked shell of the even bigger Turtle they all stand on. One of the Elephants idly shifts its weight from one hindfoot to the other, and the Falcon dives into the space that forms between the huge foot and the shell beneath. After a moment of hesitation, one of the fighters follows.
The tiny ship races to get through the gap that even now is starting to close. The smooth footpad looms overhead, and up ahead the gap that leads to freedom and relative safety becomes narrower... and narrower...
INT - MILLENNIUM FALCON
Chewie covers his eyes with his hands and hunkers down in the copilot's seat. Vimes is almost strangling the command chair - or Ridcully in effigy. Ridcully's teeth are bared as he concentrates on that little gap.
VIMES
[sotto] Not gonna make it...
RIDCULLY
We're gonna make it!
The gap continues to narrow.
VIMES
Not gonna make it...
RIDCULLY
Godsdammit, do you wanna fly the bloody ship?! WE ARE GOING... TO MAKE IT!
EXT - THE CHASE
Indeed, at the very last possible second the Falcon squirts out of the gap like a tiddlywink, kicking up a few sparks as its rear end is nudged downwards by the Elephant's heel to bounce lightly off A'Tuin's shell.
INT - MILLENNIUM FALCON
Ridcully fights with the controls to stabilize the ship. Somewhere behind, we hear a muffled explosion from the less-fortunate Imperial fighter as it is crushed under the Elephant's foot. Vimes is pale, and looks like his life just flashed before his eyes when the ship got bounced. Ridcully wipes the sweat from his brow with his sleeve and exhales heavily.
RIDCULLY
See? Nothing to it.
They hear the other fighter approaching.
RIDCULLY [contd]
Whoops. Looks like we'll have to do that again.
VIMES
[strangled protest]
RIDCULLY
Kidding, kidding. Keep your dress tunic on, willya?
EXT - THE CHASE
The last Imperial fighter approaches the scene and searches around the Elephant's foot with its lights. The Falcon is nowhere to be seen.
RAPID PAN UP TO:
THE MILLENNIUM FALCON
parked, nose-downwards, on a gently curving, rocky-looking surface. CAMERA pulls back to reveal more of their parking spot. As the Falcon dwindles away to a mere speck on the shadowy surface, at the left edge of the frame some sort of geographical formation becomes visible - a roughly wedge- shaped formation that presently moves, flicking a brush of stringy hair over the now merely pebbly surface.
VIMES [o.s.]
Remind me again why we're parked on the ass of a giant elephant?
RIDCULLY [o.s.]
It's called 'hiding', Vimes. Certainly you've heard of it.
INT - MILLENNIUM FALCON
Through the windscreen, they watch as the distant Imperial fighter hunts around a bit more, finally concludes that the Falcon got stepped on as well, and flies away.
INT - REBEL BASE
Rincewind opens a maintenance door about an inch and watches from about six inches above the floor as Lady Sybil is dragged towards the flagship. He chews his bottom lip anxiously, debating his next course of action. Something chirps at him inside the maintenance corridor. He bangs his head on the doorjamb in a reflexive escape attempt.
As he rubs his bruised temple, he looks over at the source of the chirping, and sees a sad, abandoned-looking swamp dragon. The dragon whines mournfully and looks at him with big puppy-eyes.
RINCEWIND
Oh... you were with... [indicates Lady Sybil outside]
The dragon chirps at him. Rincewind's heart melts and he scoops up the little dragon.
RINCEWIND [contd.]
We have to get out of here. It isn't safe.
He peers through the door to makes sure the coast is clear, then bursts through at a sprint, the swamp dragon under his arm with its tail curled around his waist under his cloak and its head held straight out, making for an amusing silhouette.
EXT - REBEL BASE
As he plows through the main door of the base, the Imperial flagship is just starting to take off. He starts to run to one side, away from the flagship, but suddenly he turns, skidding on the tarmac and starts pelting towards the flagship, blurring as he runs.
RINCEWIND
Don't wanna do this...
He watches, still sprinting, as the landing skids lift off the tarmac.
RINCEWIND [contd.]
Don't wanna do this...!
The skids are about six feet off the tarmac as he leaps desperately for one of them.
RINCEWIND [contd.]
Don't wanna do this!
His free hand briefly closes on the strut itself, sending the edge of the skid into his stomach and knocking the wind out of him. His fingers slip, and he slides back, now clinging to the edge of the skid with a hand now darkened with motor grease as the ground gets further and further away. He starts to panic.
RINCEWIND [contd.]
OhShitOhShitOhShit...
The swamp dragon wriggles out from under his arm and claws its way up him until it is standing on the landing skid. It wraps its tail around the landing strut and grabs Rincewind's sleeve in its teeth, growling slightly as it attempts to pull him up.
Rincewind wipes his now-free hand on his trousers to remove the sweat and grabs onto the skid a little more securely. He swings his legs up until he catches one heel on the landing skid and attempts to pull the rest of himself up. The swamp dragon abandons his sleeve to tug on his trouser cuff, helping to pull him onto the skid.
Once he is relatively safe on the skid, clinging to the strut like it might suddenly decide to kick him away, he pauses, trying to get his breath back. The swamp dragon snuggles up next to him, gurgling happily, and he scratches it behind the ear-frills in gratitude. Presently the ship retracts its landing struts - and its two new passengers - into its belly.
EXT - LANCRE
The tiny vessel Carrot pilots zooms low over a rich green field.
INT - VESSEL
Threepio is trying to navigate Carrot to a safe landing spot.
PONDER THREEPIO
Pull up! If we try to land at this speed you'll take the skids right off!
Carrot eases up on the throttle slightly.
CARROT
You know, you said Lancre would be a tough place to try to land... looks okay to me.
EXT - VESSEL
The ship sideswipes a shrub protruding through the greenery, causing the ship to rock to one side.
INT - VESSEL
Threepio shouts in alarm as the ship starts to skid and bounce. Carrot is focused on the task of landing, his gaze flickering back and forth between the windscreen and the control panel.
EXT - VESSEL
The landing skids whirr out, snatching at the ground below.
INT - VESSEL
The ship bounces and skids to a very rocky landing. Once the ship has stopped moving, Carrot, pleased with the result, powers down the ship and begins unfastening his seat harness. He pauses and tilts his head as they both hear an ominous groaning sound beneath them
Threepio's expression changes from relief to unpleasant realization.
PONDER THREEPIO
Master Carrot?
CARROT
Yes?
PONDER THREEPIO
I just realized something very important.
CARROT
What's that?
PONDER THREEPIO
There *are* no green fields in Lancre! Hang on—!
The protocol droid reflexively wraps his arms around Carrot's shoulders to brace him as...
EXT - VESSEL
The ship suddenly pitches sharply to one side amid the sound of branches snapping, then vanishes from sight as they plunge uncontrollably through the forest canopy.
ON THE VESSEL
as it is bounced and jolted from one branch to another, breaking them off under its weight and momentum. Though the fall is slowed somewhat by the branches, they still hit the ground hard when they run out of branches before they run out of momentum. It balances on its nose for about fifteen seconds, then tips over like a massive domino.
FWOOOSH!
The muddy water explodes from the previously solid skin of lichen and algae at the impact, and the little ship floats, belly-up, on the surface of a stagnant lake in the middle of the dank Lancrastian swamp. After a startled pause:
CARROT [within]
I'd say that went relatively well, wouldn't you?
PONDER THREEPIO [within]
With all due respect, sir... go bugger yourself.
From somewhere underwater, we hear the door open, and the air that had been in the cockpit now burbles out on one side of the ship. Carrot surfaces after a few seconds, catching his breath and treading water, and looks around at where they've ended up. Near him, the cubical supply boxes bob to the surface, and Carrot starts pushing them towards the shore.
CARROT
Threepio, could you give me a hand here?
Threepio's head appears above the surface of the water.
PONDER THREEPIO
I think it's best if I secure the ship first and make sure there isn't any dangerous wildlife nearby we need to watch out for.
CARROT
That sounds like a good plan. By the way, I hope these boxes are watertight or we're going to have a lot of wet supplies.
PONDER THREEPIO
The probability of one of those boxes leaking is very close to nil. Now, if you'll excuse me...
He drops gently back below the surface. Through the muddy water, Carrot sees twin beams of light appear and cast about slowly as Threepio checks.
UNDERWATER...
Threepio walks along the lake bottom, his eyes glowing and the light amplified by his spectacles until the resulting illumination is similar to that from the flashlights used by the FBI in "The X-Files."
A vague shadow looms out of the cloudy darkness near him, and presently the droid turns, stepping back in alarm as his gaze abruptly reveals what appears to be some dangerous wildlife - something like a giant moray eel with webbed claws.
PONDER THREEPIO
[note: since Threepio has a synthesizer, he is able to talk clearly underwater.]
OH SHIT!
ON CARROT
as he hears this shout of alarm and looks up from his task.
PONDER THREEPIO [from underwater]
Master Carrot!
Carrot turns, his blaster drawn, just in time to see the churning water settle down. He looks around frantically for any sign of the protocol droid.
CARROT
Threepio?!
[no answer]
THREEPIO!
Suddenly the water explodes as Threepio, screaming at the top of his synthesizer, is spit out of the lake.
Carrot watches the droid's graceful trajectory as Threepio, still screaming, sails high over the fen. [note: we do not actually see Threepio, only Carrot, at this point.] He winces as the droid impacts and slides with a drawn-out, muddy sound that ends with a very solid-sounding THUD. Carrot flinches at this last sound, then jogs over to see if Threepio is okay.
He comes to the beginning of a furrow in the mud, which gets deeper as Carrot follows it, and ends in a pile of mud huddled against a tree. He approaches the pile of mud carefully.
CARROT
Threepio? Are you okay?
PONDER THREEPIO [inside the pile of mud]
[flatly] Just dandy. I have water in my servos, moss in my joints, and mud in places I didn't even know droids had. HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?!
Carrot jumps slightly at the outburst.
CARROT
Do you need some help?
PONDER THREEPIO
That would be lovely, sir.
Carrot begins digging the mud away with his bare hands.
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]
Hi everyone, sorry I'm late.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR [o.s.]
Where have you been? We're already 45 minutes into the movie!
Carrot manages to unearth a fair portion of Threepio.
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]
It was the weirdest thing - someone welded me into my trailer while I was having lunch. Maintenance had to borrow one of the lightsabers from Props to cut me out.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR [o.s.]
Are you okay?
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]
Yeah, I'm okay... but I think script security might have been compromised. Someone hacked in and changed a couple of names around.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR [o.s.]
Which names, sir?
Carrot helps Threepio stand up. Currently, they are only half paying attention to this conversation, until:
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]
'Artoo' and 'Ponder Threepio'. It was really weird.
Threepio stares, wide-eyed, into the camera.
PONDER THREEPIO
Are you telling me... that I really wasn't supposed to be here?!
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]
Yeah. Artoo was the one who was supposed to be swallowed by a swamp monster and then spit 40 feet into a tree.
Threepio's head starts to steam.
PONDER THREEPIO
Why, that... treacherous little astromech!
Threepio starts throwing a fit, screaming obscenities in alien languages while Carrot looks on in bewilderment and concern. Polite translations flicker frenetically at the bottom of the screen until something explodes offscreen.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR [o.s.]
Wow. He broke the subtitle generator.
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]
Probably just as well. I'm trying to keep this PG-13.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR [o.s.]
Of course, this means we can't have any Artoo scenes until it's fixed.
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]
I'm sure he'll get over it.
*****
End Part 4.