Disclaimer: See Part 1.
*****
EST - OLD WOMAN'S COTTAGE
It is pouring down rain in the swamp. The old woman's cottage seems to have been constructed without the aid of a level or a straightedge, and it looks like someone constructed it out of gelatin and froze it in mid-wobble - even the chimney resembles a corkscrew. A medium-sized tree has grown in the thatching.
Threepio, now relatively clean save for a few defiant streaks of mud on his shell, squelches over to the cottage to take shelter under one of the eaves, trying to wipe the last of the mud from his arms but instead only succeeding in smearing it around.
PONDER THREEPIO
[sotto] This is so undignified...
He idly glances through a nearby window into the cottage.
INT - OLD WOMAN'S COTTAGE
Carrot sits at a roughly-hewn table that one might plausibly assume was constructed by the old woman herself. He appears to have mostly dried off from his swim in the swamp, though there are still a few mudstains on his face and clothing.
The old woman, meanwhile, stands at a cauldron, making what we hope is soup.
CARROT
So, you know Weatherwax?
OLD WOMAN
Indeed I do. She's a good friend of mine.
CARROT
When can we go see her?
OLD WOMAN
Heh. You young people. Always in a hurry to get somewhere you ain't.
[she ladles out a bowl of soup and sets it in front of him]
Eat first. Then travel.
She turns away to get a bowl for herself. Carrot tentatively tries a spoonful of the soup, and brightens slightly. As she seats herself opposite him:
CARROT
The soup is delicious, ma'am.
OLD WOMAN
[smiles slightly] Most folks just call me Granny.
Aha. Now she has a name.
CARROT
Alright, Granny.
GRANNY
As for the soup, it's an old Lancrastian recipe I got from my mum.
CARROT
What's in it?
He scoops a few more spoonfuls into his mouth. As he does:
GRANNY
Oh, this and that... Turnips, onions, lizard meat...
Carrot freezes with the spoon in his mouth.
GRANNY [contd.]
And you notice that little bit of a spicy undertone?
Carrot nods numbly, the spoon handle still sticking out of his mouth. At the point he is afraid to swallow his current mouthful.
GRANNY [contd.]
Oh, relax...
[he looks hopeful]
You act like you've never had a dish seasoned with bat spleen before.
Carrot goes slightly green. He carefully removes the spoon from his mouth and, as politely as possible, pushes the bowl away from him.
GRANNY
Full already?
[he nods mutely]
Well, you've hardly touched it.
He gestures to indicate that it was very good, but he is, indeed, full.
Granny looks at him askance.
GRANNY
Then you might want to either spit out that mouthful or swallow it, before you choke.
Carrot looks vaguely relieved, musters all his courage, and finally swallows.
Granny, meanwhile, eats her soup with no apparent ill effects.
GRANNY
So, who mentioned Weatherwax to you?
CARROT
Rincewind. He's a great Jedi master.
GRANNY
[snorts] Post-mortem vision?
CARROT
He wasn't dead. He was hiding.
GRANNY
That figures. He was always rather skittish.
CARROT
He said that Weatherwax taught him.
GRANNY
She tried to. He could use the Force... sort of.
CARROT
That's what he said. He said he's a compulsive Jedi, and that's why he couldn't teach me.
She pauses in her meal and looks at him keenly.
GRANNY
You're worried.
CARROT
Pardon?
GRANNY
I said you're worried. I can tell. And you have every right to be.
With that, she continues eating her soup. Carrot, forgetting for a time the stomach-turning list of ingredients in the soup, pulls his bowl back towards himself and resumes eating.
GRANNY
Eat up. You've got a bit of a journey ahead of ye.
OUTSIDE...
Threepio happens to glance towards the patch of swamp in which the ship had landed.
THREEPIO'S POV
As he focuses his telescopic vision on the vessel. All that remains visible is one wing.
Threepio taps urgently at one of the windows.
PONDER THREEPIO
Er, Master Carrot?!
Granny and Carrot look up from their soup to see Threepio peering in through the window with an urgent expression on his face. The droid is gesturing frantically towards the sinking vessel.
PONDER THREEPIO [contd.]
[muffled; thru window] The ship is sinking!
Carrot lunges to his feet and bolts outside. Granny sighs and stands up, more slowly.
GRANNY
[sotto] Yeef. You park in a water hole and then act all surprised when your ship sinks.
OUTSIDE...
Carrot skids to a halt at the water's edge, futilely watching his ride home slowly disappear into the murk.
PONDER THREEPIO
Can't you do something, sir?
CARROT
Can't *you*?
PONDER THREEPIO
With all due respect, you and I both know what's in that mudhole besides your ship.
GRANNY [o.s.]
Mudhole. Heh.
Carrot and Threepio turn to look at her as she draws level with them.
GRANNY [contd.]
A little mud never hurt anyone - you two can attest to that.
CARROT
You're not saying I should swim over to it and tow it out, are you? It's small as ships go, but it's still pretty big.
GRANNY
I'm saying no such thing. You *could* lift it out, acourse... if you're as serious about learning the ways of the Jedi as you say.
Carrot looks at her, more than a bit confused.
GRANNY [contd.]
Ever had something happen that you couldn't explain, or that you were able to do but couldn't say why or how?
CARROT
Well, I *do* remember one time back home a mine shaft was caving in... and everything was all unstable, but there were three dwarves still inside... I hoped and hoped that it wouldn't go while I was in there getting them out...
GRANNY
... and I bet it held just long enough for you to get them out, right?
[Carrot nods]
This isn't much different. Just do with the ship what you did in the mine shaft.
CARROT
But I don't--
GRANNY
[echo] Do it! [/echo]
Carrot jumps slightly, then turns his attention to the ship. He takes a few deep breaths and focuses on the wingtip still poking out of the water.
The ship starts to lift, slowly and unsteadily.
A sheen of sweat forms on Carrot's brow.
Granny watches, the beginnings of approval on her weathered face.
Suddenly Carrot's concentration breaks, and he sags, leaning on Threepio for support.
The ship sinks and vanishes.
Granny's face clouds with disappointment.
CARROT
[breathless] I can't do it... too big.
PONDER THREEPIO
You did the best you could, sir.
Granny grunts thoughtfully.
GRANNY
Too big? You think you're not strong enough to lift it?
[Carrot shakes his head]
Hm. Look at you. You're a big strong lad, healthy as a bloody horse. Look at Rincewind. Scrawniest little twerp to ever wear the title Jedi. Look at me. A stiff wind would knock me over, if I let it. This is your first lesson, boy. Pay attention.
She turns her full attention to the mudhole. The ship is no longer visible. She slowly extends one hand, fingers outspread. She closes her eyes, and her face transforms from her usual granite harshness to one of serene concentration.
Carrot and Threepio watch in wide-eyed wonder as...
THE SHIP
slowly rises out of the swamp, belly-up in a patch of churning water. Foot by foot, the vessel defies all laws of buoyancy until it is clear of the water and defying gravity instead, water pouring from the open gull-wing door as it slowly rotates until it is once again right-way-up
Granny, her eyes closed, has only the slightest hint of effort on her face as she turns like a weathervane, guiding the levitating ship until it is over dry land. Then it slowly lowers to rest on the ground. Granny opens her eyes then to regard the pair of dropped jaws before her. She pulls her cloak around herself, a bit smug.
GRANNY
First lesson: Your strength is not always in your muscles.
[beat]
Shut your mouth, lad, you're attracting flies.
Carrot shuts his mouth with a snap. When he recovers enough to speak again:
CARROT
W... Weatherwax?!
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
[snorts] Took you long enough to figure it out. [beat] I suggest you get some sleep - your real training begins in the morning.
*****
EST - OLD WOMAN'S COTTAGE
It is pouring down rain in the swamp. The old woman's cottage seems to have been constructed without the aid of a level or a straightedge, and it looks like someone constructed it out of gelatin and froze it in mid-wobble - even the chimney resembles a corkscrew. A medium-sized tree has grown in the thatching.
Threepio, now relatively clean save for a few defiant streaks of mud on his shell, squelches over to the cottage to take shelter under one of the eaves, trying to wipe the last of the mud from his arms but instead only succeeding in smearing it around.
PONDER THREEPIO
[sotto] This is so undignified...
He idly glances through a nearby window into the cottage.
INT - OLD WOMAN'S COTTAGE
Carrot sits at a roughly-hewn table that one might plausibly assume was constructed by the old woman herself. He appears to have mostly dried off from his swim in the swamp, though there are still a few mudstains on his face and clothing.
The old woman, meanwhile, stands at a cauldron, making what we hope is soup.
CARROT
So, you know Weatherwax?
OLD WOMAN
Indeed I do. She's a good friend of mine.
CARROT
When can we go see her?
OLD WOMAN
Heh. You young people. Always in a hurry to get somewhere you ain't.
[she ladles out a bowl of soup and sets it in front of him]
Eat first. Then travel.
She turns away to get a bowl for herself. Carrot tentatively tries a spoonful of the soup, and brightens slightly. As she seats herself opposite him:
CARROT
The soup is delicious, ma'am.
OLD WOMAN
[smiles slightly] Most folks just call me Granny.
Aha. Now she has a name.
CARROT
Alright, Granny.
GRANNY
As for the soup, it's an old Lancrastian recipe I got from my mum.
CARROT
What's in it?
He scoops a few more spoonfuls into his mouth. As he does:
GRANNY
Oh, this and that... Turnips, onions, lizard meat...
Carrot freezes with the spoon in his mouth.
GRANNY [contd.]
And you notice that little bit of a spicy undertone?
Carrot nods numbly, the spoon handle still sticking out of his mouth. At the point he is afraid to swallow his current mouthful.
GRANNY [contd.]
Oh, relax...
[he looks hopeful]
You act like you've never had a dish seasoned with bat spleen before.
Carrot goes slightly green. He carefully removes the spoon from his mouth and, as politely as possible, pushes the bowl away from him.
GRANNY
Full already?
[he nods mutely]
Well, you've hardly touched it.
He gestures to indicate that it was very good, but he is, indeed, full.
Granny looks at him askance.
GRANNY
Then you might want to either spit out that mouthful or swallow it, before you choke.
Carrot looks vaguely relieved, musters all his courage, and finally swallows.
Granny, meanwhile, eats her soup with no apparent ill effects.
GRANNY
So, who mentioned Weatherwax to you?
CARROT
Rincewind. He's a great Jedi master.
GRANNY
[snorts] Post-mortem vision?
CARROT
He wasn't dead. He was hiding.
GRANNY
That figures. He was always rather skittish.
CARROT
He said that Weatherwax taught him.
GRANNY
She tried to. He could use the Force... sort of.
CARROT
That's what he said. He said he's a compulsive Jedi, and that's why he couldn't teach me.
She pauses in her meal and looks at him keenly.
GRANNY
You're worried.
CARROT
Pardon?
GRANNY
I said you're worried. I can tell. And you have every right to be.
With that, she continues eating her soup. Carrot, forgetting for a time the stomach-turning list of ingredients in the soup, pulls his bowl back towards himself and resumes eating.
GRANNY
Eat up. You've got a bit of a journey ahead of ye.
OUTSIDE...
Threepio happens to glance towards the patch of swamp in which the ship had landed.
THREEPIO'S POV
As he focuses his telescopic vision on the vessel. All that remains visible is one wing.
Threepio taps urgently at one of the windows.
PONDER THREEPIO
Er, Master Carrot?!
Granny and Carrot look up from their soup to see Threepio peering in through the window with an urgent expression on his face. The droid is gesturing frantically towards the sinking vessel.
PONDER THREEPIO [contd.]
[muffled; thru window] The ship is sinking!
Carrot lunges to his feet and bolts outside. Granny sighs and stands up, more slowly.
GRANNY
[sotto] Yeef. You park in a water hole and then act all surprised when your ship sinks.
OUTSIDE...
Carrot skids to a halt at the water's edge, futilely watching his ride home slowly disappear into the murk.
PONDER THREEPIO
Can't you do something, sir?
CARROT
Can't *you*?
PONDER THREEPIO
With all due respect, you and I both know what's in that mudhole besides your ship.
GRANNY [o.s.]
Mudhole. Heh.
Carrot and Threepio turn to look at her as she draws level with them.
GRANNY [contd.]
A little mud never hurt anyone - you two can attest to that.
CARROT
You're not saying I should swim over to it and tow it out, are you? It's small as ships go, but it's still pretty big.
GRANNY
I'm saying no such thing. You *could* lift it out, acourse... if you're as serious about learning the ways of the Jedi as you say.
Carrot looks at her, more than a bit confused.
GRANNY [contd.]
Ever had something happen that you couldn't explain, or that you were able to do but couldn't say why or how?
CARROT
Well, I *do* remember one time back home a mine shaft was caving in... and everything was all unstable, but there were three dwarves still inside... I hoped and hoped that it wouldn't go while I was in there getting them out...
GRANNY
... and I bet it held just long enough for you to get them out, right?
[Carrot nods]
This isn't much different. Just do with the ship what you did in the mine shaft.
CARROT
But I don't--
GRANNY
[echo] Do it! [/echo]
Carrot jumps slightly, then turns his attention to the ship. He takes a few deep breaths and focuses on the wingtip still poking out of the water.
The ship starts to lift, slowly and unsteadily.
A sheen of sweat forms on Carrot's brow.
Granny watches, the beginnings of approval on her weathered face.
Suddenly Carrot's concentration breaks, and he sags, leaning on Threepio for support.
The ship sinks and vanishes.
Granny's face clouds with disappointment.
CARROT
[breathless] I can't do it... too big.
PONDER THREEPIO
You did the best you could, sir.
Granny grunts thoughtfully.
GRANNY
Too big? You think you're not strong enough to lift it?
[Carrot shakes his head]
Hm. Look at you. You're a big strong lad, healthy as a bloody horse. Look at Rincewind. Scrawniest little twerp to ever wear the title Jedi. Look at me. A stiff wind would knock me over, if I let it. This is your first lesson, boy. Pay attention.
She turns her full attention to the mudhole. The ship is no longer visible. She slowly extends one hand, fingers outspread. She closes her eyes, and her face transforms from her usual granite harshness to one of serene concentration.
Carrot and Threepio watch in wide-eyed wonder as...
THE SHIP
slowly rises out of the swamp, belly-up in a patch of churning water. Foot by foot, the vessel defies all laws of buoyancy until it is clear of the water and defying gravity instead, water pouring from the open gull-wing door as it slowly rotates until it is once again right-way-up
Granny, her eyes closed, has only the slightest hint of effort on her face as she turns like a weathervane, guiding the levitating ship until it is over dry land. Then it slowly lowers to rest on the ground. Granny opens her eyes then to regard the pair of dropped jaws before her. She pulls her cloak around herself, a bit smug.
GRANNY
First lesson: Your strength is not always in your muscles.
[beat]
Shut your mouth, lad, you're attracting flies.
Carrot shuts his mouth with a snap. When he recovers enough to speak again:
CARROT
W... Weatherwax?!
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
[snorts] Took you long enough to figure it out. [beat] I suggest you get some sleep - your real training begins in the morning.