Disclaimer: See Part 1
*****
EST - FOURECKS
The Millennium Falcon cruises low over the Ecksian outback, as desolate and arid a piece of real estate as any god with a sadistic sense of humour ever conceived. The vessel startles a herd of kangaroo [kangaroos?], which bound away in a fan formation ahead of the Falcon.
INT - MILLENNIUM FALCON
Nobby and Colon have joined Vimes, Chewbacca, and Ridcully in the cockpit. The Rebels regard the FourEcks landscape in silence, until:
NOBBY Blimey... how d'ye tell where you are from where you've been?
RIDCULLY First you have to learn where all the water holes are.
COLON I haven't seen a single water hole for over an hour.
RIDCULLY Exactly! Now, you see that cluster of buildings up ahead?
There is an observant beat as the Rebels look.
VIMES/ NOBBY/ COLON [unison] No.
RIDCULLY [apparently not paying attention] That's Bugarup, where a buddy of mine lives. We can cool our heels there for a bit and get nice and pissed.
He snatches up the radio mike.
RIDCULLY [into radio] This is the Millennium Falcon requesting permission to land in Bugarup.
VOICE [through radio] We don't want any!
RIDCULLY [into mike] Hey there, Casanunda!
VOICE (CASANUNDA) [thru radio] Ridcully?
RIDCULLY [into mike] I see that dwarvish memory of your is still working just fine. Listen, I need a place to crash for a bit - me and a few blokes who hitched a ride.
VIMES We didn't hi--!
Ridcully puts up his hand to silence him.
RIDCULLY [into mike] So whaddaya say?
CASANUNDA [thru radio] Of course! Your guests are my guests - and perhaps I will be able to win back my ship.
Ridcully grins
RIDCULLY [into mike] We'll see about that, shortarse.
He closes the channel.
VIMES I assume you know this Casanunda person pretty well?
RIDCULLY Oh yeah... we go way back.
VIMES He's trustworthy, then?
RIDCULLY [jovially] Hell no. He's a regular scoundrel, gambler, and womanizer. [beat] I bet you're glad the Princess isn't here.
VIMES [wearily] You have no idea.
RIDCULLY But, he has the largest private collection of Damn Fine beer in FourEcks.
VIMES Is that anything like a cup of damn fine coffee?
RIDCULLY Better. Trust me - Casanunda knows his alcohol.
EXT - BUGARUP - CASANUNDA'S "PALACE"
The Millennium Falcon comes in for a landing in front of a masterpiece of corrugated steel and local architecture - with a touch of the sort of Creosotean bad taste that comes from being rich and wanton - on a patch of tarmac only slightly less arid than the Ecksian soil around it.
As the boarding ramp whirrs down, a figure exits the Palace to greet the ship, toting something on his back.
Ridcully and Chewie disembark from the Falcon first, followed by Vimes, who stops short when he sees...
CASANUNDA, who rather resembles an 18th century gentleman, compressed into someone three feet tall - a distilled fop, in other words - from the crest of his powdered wig to the silver spurs on his high-heeled boots. He is even clean-shaven, a transgression which amongst the dwarf community would result in him being shot repeatedly to put him out of everyone else's misery. Presently he puts down the small stepladder he'd been carrying and shoots Ridcully an appraising glance, which then flickers over to take in the slightly battered Falcon. He winces.
CASANUNDA Poor Millie... has the bad man been doing you wrong?
VIMES [aside to Ridcully] Who's Millie?
Ridcully jerks his head back towards the Falcon, his expression indicating that it isn't his nickname for the ship.
CASANUNDA [to Ridcully] Well, I suppose that even after what you did to my ship, you can stay here for a bit--
RIDCULLY Hold on - *your* ship? You forget - I won the Falcon off you fair and square. Don't tell me that after thirty years you finally want a rematch?
CASANUNDA Ah, and *you* forget, dwarves do not take loss of property lightly.
VIMES That's a dwarf?
RIDCULLY ... Technically. Vimes, this is Giacomo Casanunda, a... rare breed. Casanunda, Captain Samuel Vimes.
CASANUNDA [to Vimes] My card.
He produces a business card from somewhere up his lacy sleeve and presents it to Vimes. Vimes takes it and looks at it.
VIMES [reading] "Giacomo Casanunda, traveling rogue and professional buckler of swashes. Master swordsman. World's second-greatest lover. Outrageous liar." [looks at Casanunda] Second-greatest lover?
CASANUNDA We try harder. Hence my marital aid.
He pats the stepladder affectionately.
VIMES Marital...?
He gets a mental picture he didn't need.
RIDCULLY [to Casanunda, cutting in deftly] Vimes is one of a few blokes I picked up just before getting chased and shot at--
CASANUNDA Again?
RIDCULLY Again. So, as you may well expect, we'll be needing repairs and a place to crash for the night.
CASANUNDA As I said... your guests are my guests. Now... [grins at Vimes] I am given to understand that a beautiful princess is among your number? VIMES [suspicious] Where'd you hear that? [Casanunda holds up a copy of the Script.] Oh, that. She couldn't make it.
CASANUNDA Aww. Maybe another time, then... when the stars are in more perfect alignment.
Ridcully gives Vimes a pained look of resignation.
CASANUNDA [contd.] Although... [leafs through the script] I fear that any such encounter would ruin any chances this man Carrot would have with her.
Vimes starts coughing. Ridcully talks over him:
RIDCULLY I trust you can arrange for repairs to the Falcon?
CASANUNDA Of course. You just leave her in my hands and I'll take care of everything. [to the Rebels, who are just disembarking] Come. You must be half-starved after having to eat Ridcully's cooking.
RIDCULLY Hey now... My cooking isn't that bad.
VIMES That's true enough. You only put Wow-wow sauce on everything.
Ridcully gives him a dirty look. As the group of Rebels head into the Palace...
VIMES I wonder if the Princess made it to Uberwald okay. [beat. Vimes stops walking] [to camera] I said, I wonder if--
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.] Hang on a sec... I think we almost got it. Say your line again, so we can test it.
Vimes sighs.
VIMES "I wonder if the Princess made it to Uberwald okay." [subtitle: The velveteen cheese is very vernacular today.] We hear adjustments being made offscreen.
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.] Try again.
VIMES Sir... [sighs in annoyance] "I wonder if the Princess made it to Uberwald okay." [subtitle: Meesa wonderin if dissa big bombad Princess gotsa to Uberwald okeyday.]
There is the sound of the production crew recoiling in horror as the subtitle hovers onscreen.
VIMES Try kicking it, sir.
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.] You really think that'll help?
VIMES It couldn't make it any worse.
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.] [will try anything once] Okay...
There is the sound of someone kicking the subtitle generator. The letters of the subtitle are jarred violently by the impact, and when they stop shaking:
subtitle: I wonder if the Princess made it to Uberwald okay.
Vimes nods.
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.] Thanks.
Vimes salutes Lucas and heads into the Palace. Although there is not a cloud in the Ecksian sky, we hear THUNDER as we CUT TO...
EXT - UBERWALD ... and are immediately blinded by a flash of lightning, which bathes the Uberwaldian landscape in stark monochrome. Somewhere, Artoo whistles uneasily.
ARTOO [o.s.] [subtitle: Mesa gotsa--] [kick] [subtitle: I've got a bad feeling about this.]
"PRINCESS" [o.s.] It's okay, Artoo... you've been here before.
PAN DOWN to Artoo and "Princess" as they make their way through the classic horror movie setting known as Uberwald. They are currently in a Tim Burton-like forest in which all the trees appear to have been tortured to death. The wind wails, and the thunder rumbles ominously as the rain hammers down on both of them. It appears to be the perfect day for a handful of unsuspecting tourists to swerve to avoid a deer, run their car off the road, and head up to that conveniently placed spooky castle over there - Castle Uberwald - to look for a phone.
As the travelers pause to look up at Castle Uberwald, another spatter of lightning arcs down from the clouds, exploding on the tip of a lightning rod with enough force to animate several Frankenstein monsters.
"PRINCESS" Well... we're home. I'd better get changed. Do you mind...?
Artoo turns his back to her, and from a panel in the astromech's dome a privacy screen unfurls, shielding "Princess" from the prying eye of the camera. The silhouette of the wolfhound shifts smoothly to the silhouette of a nude woman.
EXT - LANCRE
CU of Carrot's face, his eyes closed, his arms raised over his head for some reason.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX [o.s.] Concentrate... let the Force flow through you...
CAMERA rotates and pulls back so we see that Carrot is in fact upside-down, performing a handstand. Granny, for obvious reasons, is not agile enough to perch on Carrot's feet like Yoda might, so she doesn't - instead she sits on a tree stump nearby and observes.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX [contd.] The Force exists in all matter... all places... all times. It is a river, flowing around every particle of existence. A Jedi may coax this river in certain directions, use his mind as others cannot - but a true Jedi must maintain a balance.
Carrot slowly lifts one hand so he balances on the other. His outstretched hand points towards a smooth stone, which begins to tremble, then slowly, uncertainly, levitate. Granny watches the stone and nods.
Carrot's eyes open, to reveal a thousand-yard gaze - whatever he sees is not in the swamp.
INT - CASTLE UBERWALD - FOYER
The heavy front door of the castle creaks open rather more loudly than it really needs to, revealing Princess Angua [in her white bodysuit] and Artoo.
Angua looks around warily, but not for the ghosts and goblins most would expect in a place like this.
PRINCESS ANGUA Igor?
IGOR [note: Igor speaks with a pronounced lisp] Yeth, Your Majethty? [See?]
Angua jumps and whirls around to face the deformed hunchback who has appeared unobtrusively behind her. In addition to being the standard hunchbacked assistant, he appears to be a master of surgical retrofitting techniques - his most prominent feature is the steel hemisphere replacing the top half of his skull, riveted in place. He is clad in the finest rags - after all, he is a servant to royalty.
PRINCESS ANGUA [relieved] You startled me.
IGOR Tho thorry, Your Majethty. Forthe of habit.
PRINCESS ANGUA It's good to see a familiar face, all the same. I heard something happened here?
IGOR Yeth, Your Majethty. It wath awful.
PRINCESS ANGUA Is my family safe?
IGOR Ath thafe ath I could make them. I put them in the laboratory ath thoon ath the thit hit the fan. Pardon my Katthian.
PRINCESS ANGUA Are they alive? Igor nods.
IGOR I fixthed them up ath betht I could... but thith plathe ithn't thafe. *It* might thtill be here.
PRINCESS AGUA "It"? What sort of an "it" are you talking about?
METALLIC VOICE [o.s.] Me.
Angua and Artoo turn to see...
ANGUA'S DOUBLE [hereafter known as Evil Angua] standing in the archway. She is clad in a white gown and gray travelling cloak, as she was in Episode 4, but her clothing is torn and stained now, and any hairstyle she had when she arrived has now gone completely to hell. She is to Angua what Chucky is to a normal Good Guy doll.
EVIL ANGUA So good of you to join our little party. I was beginning to think you hadn't gotten your invitation.
PRINCESS ANGUA [not taking her eyes off Evil Angua] Igor... take Artoo with you. Guard my family.
IGOR But--
Angua whirls, her eyes luminous yellow, and there is an undertone of a snarl as she shouts...
PRINCESS ANGUA GO!
EXT - LANCRE
Carrot flinches in his meditation, as though the word had struck him physically. He wobbles in the handstand, and the floating stone falters. Granny leans forward and catches the stone in midair.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX Do not allow your visions to disturb you. You are not yet experienced enough to tell premonitions from hallucinations. CARROT But--
GRANNY WEATHERWAX Focus!
INT - CASTLE UBERWALD
Angua faces off against her double. They are now the only ones in the foyer.
PRINCESS ANGUA Who the hell are you?
EVIL ANGUA Don't you recognise me? I'm you - or I will be. And of course with your parents dead...
Angua bristles.
PRINCESS ANGUA You'll have to come through me.
EVIL ANGUA If you insist.
Evil Angua's hands, currently relaxed and at her sides [and not visible to Angua], suddenly sprout silver claws from under the nails.
EXT - LANCRE
CARROT Angua! Look out!
INT - CASTLE UBERWALD
Angua flinches back as Evil Angua attacks, slashing at Angua's face with the claws and barely missing by a hairsbreadth. Angua grabs her double's wrist as it completes the arc, and twists the arm attached to it.
To Angua's alarm, Evil Angua merely smiles, showing no pain at all.
Evil Angua grabs the hand holding her wrist, the claws digging into Angua's flesh as she peels Angua's hand away. There is an alarming hissing noise as the claws appear to burn Angua, and she lets out a cry of pain.
Angua's own nails lengthen into claws, and she rakes at Evil Angua's face, trying to blind her or distract her into letting go.
Angua yelps again in pain and surprise and leaps back as Evil Angua's hands fly up to her wounded face. The Princess looks at her fingers and finds them burned as well. In disbelief she looks back at the double...
... who lowers her hands to reveal part of her face [right side, eyebrow to just above jawline] torn away, revealing a Terminator-like endoskeleton beneath - the mechanical eye now revealed glows red as she focuses on Angua. The remainder of Evil Angua's face twists into a cold smile, which looks really damn strange.
EVIL ANGUA [note: As Evil Angua speaks, we can see the endoskeleton's jaw move - it's the little things that add to something like this] You didn't really think Darth Vetinari would send a *human* to take care of this, did you? Tch, tch, tch... And you wondered how I was able to do any damage to your family.
Angua backs away from her adversary.
EVIL ANGUA [contd.] I mean, you couldn't very well expect to be able to get a silver weapon in here unnoticed... unless that weapon was in the shape of your target's beloved daughter.
Angua realizes that she is underequipped for this particular foe, and races up the stairs. Evil Angua sighs.
EVIL ANGUA [aside] Never fails. Villain downstairs, door right nearby, so what does the female lead do? She runs upstairs. It almost isn't worth it to kill her.
Evil Angua stalks up the stairs.
EXT - LANCRE
Carrot's concentration breaks, and with it departs his balance in the handstand. He puts down his hand, trying to regain his equilibrium, but falls over heavily.
Granny stands up, shaking her head slightly.
CARROT'S POV as Granny looks at him upside-down.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX You let your emotions get in the way.
CARROT But... I saw...
GRANNY WEATHERWAX You had a vision. Jedi do that, from time to time.
Carrot sits up and rolls to his feet. Granny puts a gentle hand on his shoulder.
CARROT Angua's in trouble. I know that much. But... some bits didn't make sense. She had claws. And when the droid hit... it burned her.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX Visions are like dreams. Not everything is as it seems. What you describe might not even be happening.
CARROT But if it is, I have to go help her.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX Your training isn't finished. If you leave now, you could undo everything I've taught you. Think before you act, Carrot.
CARROT Granny, you know this training is important to me. But... so is Angua. You have to understand--
GRANNY WEATHERWAX [sharply] Don't rationalise at me.
CARROT Sorry.
There is a slightly awkward pause. Carrot appears torn between his duties here and his love for Angua.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX Go. Run off and be heroic. Just remember to think with your mind, not your emotions.
CARROT I'll come back as soon as I can, so I can finish my training. Granny watches as he jogs away towards his ship. Threepio approaches her.
PONDER THREEPIO Mistress Weatherwax?
GRANNY WEATHERWAX [turns] What is it?
PONDER THREEPIO What he said about the claws and the burns...?
GRANNY WEATHERWAX What of it?
PONDER THREEPIO Do you think that bit of his vision was real?
GRANNY WEATHERWAX We can only hope it wasn't.
*****
End Part 9.
*****
EST - FOURECKS
The Millennium Falcon cruises low over the Ecksian outback, as desolate and arid a piece of real estate as any god with a sadistic sense of humour ever conceived. The vessel startles a herd of kangaroo [kangaroos?], which bound away in a fan formation ahead of the Falcon.
INT - MILLENNIUM FALCON
Nobby and Colon have joined Vimes, Chewbacca, and Ridcully in the cockpit. The Rebels regard the FourEcks landscape in silence, until:
NOBBY Blimey... how d'ye tell where you are from where you've been?
RIDCULLY First you have to learn where all the water holes are.
COLON I haven't seen a single water hole for over an hour.
RIDCULLY Exactly! Now, you see that cluster of buildings up ahead?
There is an observant beat as the Rebels look.
VIMES/ NOBBY/ COLON [unison] No.
RIDCULLY [apparently not paying attention] That's Bugarup, where a buddy of mine lives. We can cool our heels there for a bit and get nice and pissed.
He snatches up the radio mike.
RIDCULLY [into radio] This is the Millennium Falcon requesting permission to land in Bugarup.
VOICE [through radio] We don't want any!
RIDCULLY [into mike] Hey there, Casanunda!
VOICE (CASANUNDA) [thru radio] Ridcully?
RIDCULLY [into mike] I see that dwarvish memory of your is still working just fine. Listen, I need a place to crash for a bit - me and a few blokes who hitched a ride.
VIMES We didn't hi--!
Ridcully puts up his hand to silence him.
RIDCULLY [into mike] So whaddaya say?
CASANUNDA [thru radio] Of course! Your guests are my guests - and perhaps I will be able to win back my ship.
Ridcully grins
RIDCULLY [into mike] We'll see about that, shortarse.
He closes the channel.
VIMES I assume you know this Casanunda person pretty well?
RIDCULLY Oh yeah... we go way back.
VIMES He's trustworthy, then?
RIDCULLY [jovially] Hell no. He's a regular scoundrel, gambler, and womanizer. [beat] I bet you're glad the Princess isn't here.
VIMES [wearily] You have no idea.
RIDCULLY But, he has the largest private collection of Damn Fine beer in FourEcks.
VIMES Is that anything like a cup of damn fine coffee?
RIDCULLY Better. Trust me - Casanunda knows his alcohol.
EXT - BUGARUP - CASANUNDA'S "PALACE"
The Millennium Falcon comes in for a landing in front of a masterpiece of corrugated steel and local architecture - with a touch of the sort of Creosotean bad taste that comes from being rich and wanton - on a patch of tarmac only slightly less arid than the Ecksian soil around it.
As the boarding ramp whirrs down, a figure exits the Palace to greet the ship, toting something on his back.
Ridcully and Chewie disembark from the Falcon first, followed by Vimes, who stops short when he sees...
CASANUNDA, who rather resembles an 18th century gentleman, compressed into someone three feet tall - a distilled fop, in other words - from the crest of his powdered wig to the silver spurs on his high-heeled boots. He is even clean-shaven, a transgression which amongst the dwarf community would result in him being shot repeatedly to put him out of everyone else's misery. Presently he puts down the small stepladder he'd been carrying and shoots Ridcully an appraising glance, which then flickers over to take in the slightly battered Falcon. He winces.
CASANUNDA Poor Millie... has the bad man been doing you wrong?
VIMES [aside to Ridcully] Who's Millie?
Ridcully jerks his head back towards the Falcon, his expression indicating that it isn't his nickname for the ship.
CASANUNDA [to Ridcully] Well, I suppose that even after what you did to my ship, you can stay here for a bit--
RIDCULLY Hold on - *your* ship? You forget - I won the Falcon off you fair and square. Don't tell me that after thirty years you finally want a rematch?
CASANUNDA Ah, and *you* forget, dwarves do not take loss of property lightly.
VIMES That's a dwarf?
RIDCULLY ... Technically. Vimes, this is Giacomo Casanunda, a... rare breed. Casanunda, Captain Samuel Vimes.
CASANUNDA [to Vimes] My card.
He produces a business card from somewhere up his lacy sleeve and presents it to Vimes. Vimes takes it and looks at it.
VIMES [reading] "Giacomo Casanunda, traveling rogue and professional buckler of swashes. Master swordsman. World's second-greatest lover. Outrageous liar." [looks at Casanunda] Second-greatest lover?
CASANUNDA We try harder. Hence my marital aid.
He pats the stepladder affectionately.
VIMES Marital...?
He gets a mental picture he didn't need.
RIDCULLY [to Casanunda, cutting in deftly] Vimes is one of a few blokes I picked up just before getting chased and shot at--
CASANUNDA Again?
RIDCULLY Again. So, as you may well expect, we'll be needing repairs and a place to crash for the night.
CASANUNDA As I said... your guests are my guests. Now... [grins at Vimes] I am given to understand that a beautiful princess is among your number? VIMES [suspicious] Where'd you hear that? [Casanunda holds up a copy of the Script.] Oh, that. She couldn't make it.
CASANUNDA Aww. Maybe another time, then... when the stars are in more perfect alignment.
Ridcully gives Vimes a pained look of resignation.
CASANUNDA [contd.] Although... [leafs through the script] I fear that any such encounter would ruin any chances this man Carrot would have with her.
Vimes starts coughing. Ridcully talks over him:
RIDCULLY I trust you can arrange for repairs to the Falcon?
CASANUNDA Of course. You just leave her in my hands and I'll take care of everything. [to the Rebels, who are just disembarking] Come. You must be half-starved after having to eat Ridcully's cooking.
RIDCULLY Hey now... My cooking isn't that bad.
VIMES That's true enough. You only put Wow-wow sauce on everything.
Ridcully gives him a dirty look. As the group of Rebels head into the Palace...
VIMES I wonder if the Princess made it to Uberwald okay. [beat. Vimes stops walking] [to camera] I said, I wonder if--
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.] Hang on a sec... I think we almost got it. Say your line again, so we can test it.
Vimes sighs.
VIMES "I wonder if the Princess made it to Uberwald okay." [subtitle: The velveteen cheese is very vernacular today.] We hear adjustments being made offscreen.
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.] Try again.
VIMES Sir... [sighs in annoyance] "I wonder if the Princess made it to Uberwald okay." [subtitle: Meesa wonderin if dissa big bombad Princess gotsa to Uberwald okeyday.]
There is the sound of the production crew recoiling in horror as the subtitle hovers onscreen.
VIMES Try kicking it, sir.
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.] You really think that'll help?
VIMES It couldn't make it any worse.
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.] [will try anything once] Okay...
There is the sound of someone kicking the subtitle generator. The letters of the subtitle are jarred violently by the impact, and when they stop shaking:
subtitle: I wonder if the Princess made it to Uberwald okay.
Vimes nods.
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.] Thanks.
Vimes salutes Lucas and heads into the Palace. Although there is not a cloud in the Ecksian sky, we hear THUNDER as we CUT TO...
EXT - UBERWALD ... and are immediately blinded by a flash of lightning, which bathes the Uberwaldian landscape in stark monochrome. Somewhere, Artoo whistles uneasily.
ARTOO [o.s.] [subtitle: Mesa gotsa--] [kick] [subtitle: I've got a bad feeling about this.]
"PRINCESS" [o.s.] It's okay, Artoo... you've been here before.
PAN DOWN to Artoo and "Princess" as they make their way through the classic horror movie setting known as Uberwald. They are currently in a Tim Burton-like forest in which all the trees appear to have been tortured to death. The wind wails, and the thunder rumbles ominously as the rain hammers down on both of them. It appears to be the perfect day for a handful of unsuspecting tourists to swerve to avoid a deer, run their car off the road, and head up to that conveniently placed spooky castle over there - Castle Uberwald - to look for a phone.
As the travelers pause to look up at Castle Uberwald, another spatter of lightning arcs down from the clouds, exploding on the tip of a lightning rod with enough force to animate several Frankenstein monsters.
"PRINCESS" Well... we're home. I'd better get changed. Do you mind...?
Artoo turns his back to her, and from a panel in the astromech's dome a privacy screen unfurls, shielding "Princess" from the prying eye of the camera. The silhouette of the wolfhound shifts smoothly to the silhouette of a nude woman.
EXT - LANCRE
CU of Carrot's face, his eyes closed, his arms raised over his head for some reason.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX [o.s.] Concentrate... let the Force flow through you...
CAMERA rotates and pulls back so we see that Carrot is in fact upside-down, performing a handstand. Granny, for obvious reasons, is not agile enough to perch on Carrot's feet like Yoda might, so she doesn't - instead she sits on a tree stump nearby and observes.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX [contd.] The Force exists in all matter... all places... all times. It is a river, flowing around every particle of existence. A Jedi may coax this river in certain directions, use his mind as others cannot - but a true Jedi must maintain a balance.
Carrot slowly lifts one hand so he balances on the other. His outstretched hand points towards a smooth stone, which begins to tremble, then slowly, uncertainly, levitate. Granny watches the stone and nods.
Carrot's eyes open, to reveal a thousand-yard gaze - whatever he sees is not in the swamp.
INT - CASTLE UBERWALD - FOYER
The heavy front door of the castle creaks open rather more loudly than it really needs to, revealing Princess Angua [in her white bodysuit] and Artoo.
Angua looks around warily, but not for the ghosts and goblins most would expect in a place like this.
PRINCESS ANGUA Igor?
IGOR [note: Igor speaks with a pronounced lisp] Yeth, Your Majethty? [See?]
Angua jumps and whirls around to face the deformed hunchback who has appeared unobtrusively behind her. In addition to being the standard hunchbacked assistant, he appears to be a master of surgical retrofitting techniques - his most prominent feature is the steel hemisphere replacing the top half of his skull, riveted in place. He is clad in the finest rags - after all, he is a servant to royalty.
PRINCESS ANGUA [relieved] You startled me.
IGOR Tho thorry, Your Majethty. Forthe of habit.
PRINCESS ANGUA It's good to see a familiar face, all the same. I heard something happened here?
IGOR Yeth, Your Majethty. It wath awful.
PRINCESS ANGUA Is my family safe?
IGOR Ath thafe ath I could make them. I put them in the laboratory ath thoon ath the thit hit the fan. Pardon my Katthian.
PRINCESS ANGUA Are they alive? Igor nods.
IGOR I fixthed them up ath betht I could... but thith plathe ithn't thafe. *It* might thtill be here.
PRINCESS AGUA "It"? What sort of an "it" are you talking about?
METALLIC VOICE [o.s.] Me.
Angua and Artoo turn to see...
ANGUA'S DOUBLE [hereafter known as Evil Angua] standing in the archway. She is clad in a white gown and gray travelling cloak, as she was in Episode 4, but her clothing is torn and stained now, and any hairstyle she had when she arrived has now gone completely to hell. She is to Angua what Chucky is to a normal Good Guy doll.
EVIL ANGUA So good of you to join our little party. I was beginning to think you hadn't gotten your invitation.
PRINCESS ANGUA [not taking her eyes off Evil Angua] Igor... take Artoo with you. Guard my family.
IGOR But--
Angua whirls, her eyes luminous yellow, and there is an undertone of a snarl as she shouts...
PRINCESS ANGUA GO!
EXT - LANCRE
Carrot flinches in his meditation, as though the word had struck him physically. He wobbles in the handstand, and the floating stone falters. Granny leans forward and catches the stone in midair.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX Do not allow your visions to disturb you. You are not yet experienced enough to tell premonitions from hallucinations. CARROT But--
GRANNY WEATHERWAX Focus!
INT - CASTLE UBERWALD
Angua faces off against her double. They are now the only ones in the foyer.
PRINCESS ANGUA Who the hell are you?
EVIL ANGUA Don't you recognise me? I'm you - or I will be. And of course with your parents dead...
Angua bristles.
PRINCESS ANGUA You'll have to come through me.
EVIL ANGUA If you insist.
Evil Angua's hands, currently relaxed and at her sides [and not visible to Angua], suddenly sprout silver claws from under the nails.
EXT - LANCRE
CARROT Angua! Look out!
INT - CASTLE UBERWALD
Angua flinches back as Evil Angua attacks, slashing at Angua's face with the claws and barely missing by a hairsbreadth. Angua grabs her double's wrist as it completes the arc, and twists the arm attached to it.
To Angua's alarm, Evil Angua merely smiles, showing no pain at all.
Evil Angua grabs the hand holding her wrist, the claws digging into Angua's flesh as she peels Angua's hand away. There is an alarming hissing noise as the claws appear to burn Angua, and she lets out a cry of pain.
Angua's own nails lengthen into claws, and she rakes at Evil Angua's face, trying to blind her or distract her into letting go.
Angua yelps again in pain and surprise and leaps back as Evil Angua's hands fly up to her wounded face. The Princess looks at her fingers and finds them burned as well. In disbelief she looks back at the double...
... who lowers her hands to reveal part of her face [right side, eyebrow to just above jawline] torn away, revealing a Terminator-like endoskeleton beneath - the mechanical eye now revealed glows red as she focuses on Angua. The remainder of Evil Angua's face twists into a cold smile, which looks really damn strange.
EVIL ANGUA [note: As Evil Angua speaks, we can see the endoskeleton's jaw move - it's the little things that add to something like this] You didn't really think Darth Vetinari would send a *human* to take care of this, did you? Tch, tch, tch... And you wondered how I was able to do any damage to your family.
Angua backs away from her adversary.
EVIL ANGUA [contd.] I mean, you couldn't very well expect to be able to get a silver weapon in here unnoticed... unless that weapon was in the shape of your target's beloved daughter.
Angua realizes that she is underequipped for this particular foe, and races up the stairs. Evil Angua sighs.
EVIL ANGUA [aside] Never fails. Villain downstairs, door right nearby, so what does the female lead do? She runs upstairs. It almost isn't worth it to kill her.
Evil Angua stalks up the stairs.
EXT - LANCRE
Carrot's concentration breaks, and with it departs his balance in the handstand. He puts down his hand, trying to regain his equilibrium, but falls over heavily.
Granny stands up, shaking her head slightly.
CARROT'S POV as Granny looks at him upside-down.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX You let your emotions get in the way.
CARROT But... I saw...
GRANNY WEATHERWAX You had a vision. Jedi do that, from time to time.
Carrot sits up and rolls to his feet. Granny puts a gentle hand on his shoulder.
CARROT Angua's in trouble. I know that much. But... some bits didn't make sense. She had claws. And when the droid hit... it burned her.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX Visions are like dreams. Not everything is as it seems. What you describe might not even be happening.
CARROT But if it is, I have to go help her.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX Your training isn't finished. If you leave now, you could undo everything I've taught you. Think before you act, Carrot.
CARROT Granny, you know this training is important to me. But... so is Angua. You have to understand--
GRANNY WEATHERWAX [sharply] Don't rationalise at me.
CARROT Sorry.
There is a slightly awkward pause. Carrot appears torn between his duties here and his love for Angua.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX Go. Run off and be heroic. Just remember to think with your mind, not your emotions.
CARROT I'll come back as soon as I can, so I can finish my training. Granny watches as he jogs away towards his ship. Threepio approaches her.
PONDER THREEPIO Mistress Weatherwax?
GRANNY WEATHERWAX [turns] What is it?
PONDER THREEPIO What he said about the claws and the burns...?
GRANNY WEATHERWAX What of it?
PONDER THREEPIO Do you think that bit of his vision was real?
GRANNY WEATHERWAX We can only hope it wasn't.
*****
End Part 9.