Author's Note: Sorry this has taken so long... been busy on Eskarina costume for Archon this October [Yes, I will send pix when it's done ;-)] Anyway, on with the show...
Disclaimer: See Part 1
*****
INT - CASANUNDA'S PALACE
Casanunda has dispensed of the stepladder by now, seeing that he will have no use for it as far as his current guests are concerned. The Rebels, meanwhile, have gotten a chance to get cleaned up and into fresh clothing. Nobby has managed to outdo Casanunda in terms of foppish bad taste in fashion, and in a lot more colours than should legally be allowed in one outfit - although instead of a powdered wig he wears an enormously broad-brimmed hat with a massive ostrich plume wafting out of the hatband. Other than him, everyone looks fairly well-groomed and haute couture.
RIDCULLY
I hope those dwarves of yours know what they're doing. The Falcon is an antique.
CASANUNDA
Oh, not to worry, my dear boy. Most of those dwarves were around when that model of starship was first introduced. They'll be done with your ship before you can *spell* "Millennium Falcon." [gestures around at the decor] As you can see, I've borrowed elements from all over the Disc to decorate my little corner of paradise here in FourEcks.
Vimes pauses to return the gaze of a fierce-looking Tezumen artifact.
CASANUNDA [contd.]
Thus, any travelers who stumble across my doorstep can usually find a little piece of home somewhere about - the upper crust as well as the crumbs.
Several Rebels looks significantly at Nobby.
NOBBY
[genuinely confused] What?
CASANUNDA
... for example, before you arrived I was entertaining a very charming nobleman and his entourage. He was positively delighted at all the wonders of the Palace, and paid me handsomely for my trouble.
VIMES
... and that, I expect, is where you get your wealth?
Casanunda waves a dismissive hand.
CASANUNDA
I have no need for trifling sums...
They reach the door to the dining hall, which Casanunda flings open.
The dining hall is currently filled with Storm Troopers, with Darth Vetinari at the head of the table! The Rebels react with exclamations of disbelief and dismay. Chewbacca howls with rage.
VIMES
What--?!
Vetinari stands triumphantly.
DARTH VETINARI
Boo.
Ridcully draws his blaster, but it flies from his grasp and into Vetinari's outstretched hand. Ridcully turns to Casanunda, a look of betrayal on his face as the Rebels are seized by the Storm Troopers.
CASANUNDA
... but then, this was no trifling sum. I'm sorry, Ridcully, they got here before you did. There was nothing I could do.
Vetinari steeples his fingers at the Rebels in a particularly menacing fashion.
DARTH VETINARI
Don't feel too badly, Mr. Ridcully... As you know, a dwarf such as Casanunda - unconventional though his ways otherwise are - do not count an acquaintanceship as friendship until it has lasted fifty years.
CASANUNDA
[to Vetinari] In light of that, I would like my payment now.
DARTH VETINARI
You certainly do get to the point, don't you? [to the Rebels at large] Dwarves are always so cautious about financial matters. [to Casanunda] You will get your payment in due time, Casanunda. And, in light of my additional promise not to hurt your dear guests, allow me to introduce an associate of mine.
He offers his hand to a woman seated to his left, who stands under her own power, scorning the offered hand so fiercely that when her face draws level to it he withdraws it a trifle quicker than ordinary etiquette would dictate.
She is tall and muscular, her skin bronzed by the sun, and her hair dusky auburn and accented with a scattering of braids. She is clad mainly - though by no means extensively - in furs and leathers, leaving her shapely legs and toned midriff bare, around her neck is a necklace made of the fangs of some would-be predator, and at her hips she wears a pair of long daggers.
DARTH VETINARI [contd.]
Allow me to introduce Herrenna, known to many as the Henna-Haired Harridan. [beat] She will be hurting you in my place.
Casanunda shoots a shocked look in Vetinari's direction, one which melts into a low, simmering anger as only a dwarf can feel.
DARTH VETINARI
[to the troopers] Kindly relieve them of all their weapons and lock them up.
Our intrepid heroes are dragged away.
HERRENNA
[to Vetinari] I like your style.
DARTH VETINARI
Do what you will, but keep them alive.
HERRENNA
You'd be amazed at what the human body can survive.
DARTH VETINARI
[coldly] I mean it. I'm expecting another guest soon, but he can't very well come to rescue his friends if they aren't alive to rescue, can he?
Herrenna pouts.
HERRENNA
You take all the fun out of being chaotic neutral, you know that?
DARTH VETINARI
Try lawful evil sometime. It's so much more satisfying.
HERRENNA
Besides, they're worth so much more alive than dead - especially the old man.
DARTH VETINARI
Is that so.
HERRENNA
He and I have a date with an old friend of his, later.
DARTH VETINARI
I see. Well, under the circumstances, the least I can do you is to gift-wrap him for you. Just remember that he and his friends are mine until I'm done with them.
HERRENNA
[patronising] Of course they are... who am I to argue with someone comfortable enough with his manhood to wear perfume?
Abruptly, he blurs, seizing Herrenna by the throat and slamming her against the wall just as she makes a grab for one of her daggers. Their faces are inches apart, his slightly homicidal snarl and her startled but recovering grimace.
DARTH VETINARI
Let me make myself absolutely clear, Ms. Harridan. I will not be mocked.
HERRENNA
Don't you threaten me.
DARTH VETINARI
I don't threaten.
HERRENNA
Neither do I.
There is a light tapping below frame. Vetinari, sensing something amiss, glances down.
The point of Herrenna's dagger is tapping lightly at the edge of Vetinari's armoured codpiece. There are already a few nicks in the codpiece, testament to how sharp the weapon is and what it could potentially do to his chances of reproduction.
He looks back up at her for a long moment, then abruptly releases her. She rubs her throat as Vetinari clears his.
DARTH VETINARI
[gathering his dignity] Now that we have that settled.
HERRENNA
Indeed.
INT - CASTLE UBERWALD
Evil Angua is climbing the stairs to the upper levels of the castle in search of Angua. The red glow of her exposed cybernetic eye is frequently the only bit of her visible as she passes through the abundant shadows in the stairwell.
EVIL ANGUA
I know you're up here, Princess. Come out, come out, wherever you are...
She dodges back to avoid a thrown trident from one of the archways; the weapon sticks, quivering, into the stone wall opposite the arch. Evil Angua looks through the archway, focusing in on...
ANGUA
as she darts away into a side passage.
Evil Angua grins and gives chase. As she rounds the corner--
WHAM!
Angua punches the assassin droid in the face, her fist shielded by an iron gauntlet. Evil Angua takes the hit, then retaliates with a flurry of punches. Angua falls back into a defensive stance.
They face off, the real Princess versus the robotic double.
MORTAL KOMBAT VOICE
Round one. Fight!
They leap at each other.
INT - CARROT'S SHIP
Carrot awakens with a jolt from the nap he'd been taking, on one of the fold-down bunks in the back of the ship. He looks around, still in a bit of a panic from whatever dream had awakened him, until he reorients himself.
CARROT
Threepio?
PONDER THREEPIO [o.s.]
Sir?
CARROT
Where are we?
He gets up and joins Threepio in the cockpit. The autopilot is on, so the droid's only function right now is to monitor their bearings.
PONDER THREEPIO
Did you have a nice rest?
CARROT
No. [peering through the windscreen] Where are we?
PONDER THREEPIO
We've just entered Uberwald's airspace. It's only a few minutes before we get to the castle. See, here's Artoo's homing signal. [grudging] Clever little droid.
CARROT
Is it always this stormy here?
PONDER THREEPIO
Of course not, sir. Sometimes it's hazy, or simply gloomy. In fact, the forecast for tomorrow is mostly eerie in the morning, with a 30% chance for suspenseful in the afternoon, changing to scattered creepiness tonight.
There is a long pause. Then:
CARROT
Foggy?
PONDER THREEPIO
Foggy. [beat] We should be able to land safely, all the same. The von Uberwalds have a proper landing pad installed. [beat] It's nine storeys up, but all the same...
CARROT
I just hope Angua is okay.
PONDER THREEPIO
I'm sure she's fine, sir. She can take care of herself.
*****
End Part 10.
Disclaimer: See Part 1
*****
INT - CASANUNDA'S PALACE
Casanunda has dispensed of the stepladder by now, seeing that he will have no use for it as far as his current guests are concerned. The Rebels, meanwhile, have gotten a chance to get cleaned up and into fresh clothing. Nobby has managed to outdo Casanunda in terms of foppish bad taste in fashion, and in a lot more colours than should legally be allowed in one outfit - although instead of a powdered wig he wears an enormously broad-brimmed hat with a massive ostrich plume wafting out of the hatband. Other than him, everyone looks fairly well-groomed and haute couture.
RIDCULLY
I hope those dwarves of yours know what they're doing. The Falcon is an antique.
CASANUNDA
Oh, not to worry, my dear boy. Most of those dwarves were around when that model of starship was first introduced. They'll be done with your ship before you can *spell* "Millennium Falcon." [gestures around at the decor] As you can see, I've borrowed elements from all over the Disc to decorate my little corner of paradise here in FourEcks.
Vimes pauses to return the gaze of a fierce-looking Tezumen artifact.
CASANUNDA [contd.]
Thus, any travelers who stumble across my doorstep can usually find a little piece of home somewhere about - the upper crust as well as the crumbs.
Several Rebels looks significantly at Nobby.
NOBBY
[genuinely confused] What?
CASANUNDA
... for example, before you arrived I was entertaining a very charming nobleman and his entourage. He was positively delighted at all the wonders of the Palace, and paid me handsomely for my trouble.
VIMES
... and that, I expect, is where you get your wealth?
Casanunda waves a dismissive hand.
CASANUNDA
I have no need for trifling sums...
They reach the door to the dining hall, which Casanunda flings open.
The dining hall is currently filled with Storm Troopers, with Darth Vetinari at the head of the table! The Rebels react with exclamations of disbelief and dismay. Chewbacca howls with rage.
VIMES
What--?!
Vetinari stands triumphantly.
DARTH VETINARI
Boo.
Ridcully draws his blaster, but it flies from his grasp and into Vetinari's outstretched hand. Ridcully turns to Casanunda, a look of betrayal on his face as the Rebels are seized by the Storm Troopers.
CASANUNDA
... but then, this was no trifling sum. I'm sorry, Ridcully, they got here before you did. There was nothing I could do.
Vetinari steeples his fingers at the Rebels in a particularly menacing fashion.
DARTH VETINARI
Don't feel too badly, Mr. Ridcully... As you know, a dwarf such as Casanunda - unconventional though his ways otherwise are - do not count an acquaintanceship as friendship until it has lasted fifty years.
CASANUNDA
[to Vetinari] In light of that, I would like my payment now.
DARTH VETINARI
You certainly do get to the point, don't you? [to the Rebels at large] Dwarves are always so cautious about financial matters. [to Casanunda] You will get your payment in due time, Casanunda. And, in light of my additional promise not to hurt your dear guests, allow me to introduce an associate of mine.
He offers his hand to a woman seated to his left, who stands under her own power, scorning the offered hand so fiercely that when her face draws level to it he withdraws it a trifle quicker than ordinary etiquette would dictate.
She is tall and muscular, her skin bronzed by the sun, and her hair dusky auburn and accented with a scattering of braids. She is clad mainly - though by no means extensively - in furs and leathers, leaving her shapely legs and toned midriff bare, around her neck is a necklace made of the fangs of some would-be predator, and at her hips she wears a pair of long daggers.
DARTH VETINARI [contd.]
Allow me to introduce Herrenna, known to many as the Henna-Haired Harridan. [beat] She will be hurting you in my place.
Casanunda shoots a shocked look in Vetinari's direction, one which melts into a low, simmering anger as only a dwarf can feel.
DARTH VETINARI
[to the troopers] Kindly relieve them of all their weapons and lock them up.
Our intrepid heroes are dragged away.
HERRENNA
[to Vetinari] I like your style.
DARTH VETINARI
Do what you will, but keep them alive.
HERRENNA
You'd be amazed at what the human body can survive.
DARTH VETINARI
[coldly] I mean it. I'm expecting another guest soon, but he can't very well come to rescue his friends if they aren't alive to rescue, can he?
Herrenna pouts.
HERRENNA
You take all the fun out of being chaotic neutral, you know that?
DARTH VETINARI
Try lawful evil sometime. It's so much more satisfying.
HERRENNA
Besides, they're worth so much more alive than dead - especially the old man.
DARTH VETINARI
Is that so.
HERRENNA
He and I have a date with an old friend of his, later.
DARTH VETINARI
I see. Well, under the circumstances, the least I can do you is to gift-wrap him for you. Just remember that he and his friends are mine until I'm done with them.
HERRENNA
[patronising] Of course they are... who am I to argue with someone comfortable enough with his manhood to wear perfume?
Abruptly, he blurs, seizing Herrenna by the throat and slamming her against the wall just as she makes a grab for one of her daggers. Their faces are inches apart, his slightly homicidal snarl and her startled but recovering grimace.
DARTH VETINARI
Let me make myself absolutely clear, Ms. Harridan. I will not be mocked.
HERRENNA
Don't you threaten me.
DARTH VETINARI
I don't threaten.
HERRENNA
Neither do I.
There is a light tapping below frame. Vetinari, sensing something amiss, glances down.
The point of Herrenna's dagger is tapping lightly at the edge of Vetinari's armoured codpiece. There are already a few nicks in the codpiece, testament to how sharp the weapon is and what it could potentially do to his chances of reproduction.
He looks back up at her for a long moment, then abruptly releases her. She rubs her throat as Vetinari clears his.
DARTH VETINARI
[gathering his dignity] Now that we have that settled.
HERRENNA
Indeed.
INT - CASTLE UBERWALD
Evil Angua is climbing the stairs to the upper levels of the castle in search of Angua. The red glow of her exposed cybernetic eye is frequently the only bit of her visible as she passes through the abundant shadows in the stairwell.
EVIL ANGUA
I know you're up here, Princess. Come out, come out, wherever you are...
She dodges back to avoid a thrown trident from one of the archways; the weapon sticks, quivering, into the stone wall opposite the arch. Evil Angua looks through the archway, focusing in on...
ANGUA
as she darts away into a side passage.
Evil Angua grins and gives chase. As she rounds the corner--
WHAM!
Angua punches the assassin droid in the face, her fist shielded by an iron gauntlet. Evil Angua takes the hit, then retaliates with a flurry of punches. Angua falls back into a defensive stance.
They face off, the real Princess versus the robotic double.
MORTAL KOMBAT VOICE
Round one. Fight!
They leap at each other.
INT - CARROT'S SHIP
Carrot awakens with a jolt from the nap he'd been taking, on one of the fold-down bunks in the back of the ship. He looks around, still in a bit of a panic from whatever dream had awakened him, until he reorients himself.
CARROT
Threepio?
PONDER THREEPIO [o.s.]
Sir?
CARROT
Where are we?
He gets up and joins Threepio in the cockpit. The autopilot is on, so the droid's only function right now is to monitor their bearings.
PONDER THREEPIO
Did you have a nice rest?
CARROT
No. [peering through the windscreen] Where are we?
PONDER THREEPIO
We've just entered Uberwald's airspace. It's only a few minutes before we get to the castle. See, here's Artoo's homing signal. [grudging] Clever little droid.
CARROT
Is it always this stormy here?
PONDER THREEPIO
Of course not, sir. Sometimes it's hazy, or simply gloomy. In fact, the forecast for tomorrow is mostly eerie in the morning, with a 30% chance for suspenseful in the afternoon, changing to scattered creepiness tonight.
There is a long pause. Then:
CARROT
Foggy?
PONDER THREEPIO
Foggy. [beat] We should be able to land safely, all the same. The von Uberwalds have a proper landing pad installed. [beat] It's nine storeys up, but all the same...
CARROT
I just hope Angua is okay.
PONDER THREEPIO
I'm sure she's fine, sir. She can take care of herself.
*****
End Part 10.