Disclaimer: See Part 1.
*****
INT - CASANUNDA'S PALACE
A junction between two corridors dominates the shot. Presently, a mime stealthily approaches the corner, crouches, and peers around the corner. Another mime stealthily approaches the corner, hops up lightly to crouch on the shoulders of the first mime, and peers around the corner. A third mime stealthily approaches the corner, hops up lightly to crouch on the shoulders of the second mime, and peers around the corner. A fourth mime stealthily approaches the corner, climbs up lightly to crouch on the shoulders of the third mime, and peers around the corner.
From this vantage point, a prison cell is clearly visible. There is activity within.
GUARD #1
Right... lessee what this little twit has on him.
GUARD #2
I think we can pretty much rule out any sense of fashion.
NOBBY
Hey now...
GUARD #1
Shut up and hold still.
NOBBY
[grumbles]
GUARD #1
Okay... one Burleigh and Stronginthearm heavy crossbow.
NOBBY
That was a Hogswatch present.
GUARD #2
One blaster.
NOBBY
I have a permit for that.
GUARD #1
One bazooka.
NOBBY
Er...
GUARD #2
Blowpipe.
NOBBY
Souvenir.
GUARD #1
Thermonuclear warhead.
NOBBY
So *that's* where I left that!
GUARD #2
Sword... [low whistle] Hackmaster +18.
NOBBY
Looted that fair and square.
GUARD #1
One BFG 9000.
NOBBY
I do a bit of hunting on the side.
GUARD #2
Compact disc. [reading] "William Shatner Sings Metallica's Greatest Hits."
There is a very long, scared pause, the sort that occurs when one locks a heavy blast door against a ferocious, indestructible, and all-around unpleasant monster... only to discover that one has in fact locked the aforementioned monster in with one and that it is now breathing on the back of one's head.
GUARD #1
Well, I think that's it for the doublet. Who wants to check his trousers?
There is the sound of nobody volunteering.
The top mime in the stack motions to someone out of frame, who turns out to be two someones, Rincewind and Lady Sybil, as they round the corner occupied by the unstacking mimes. Lady Sybil is still clad in the noblewoman's dress and dragon padding, though Ferdy has elected to stay with Rincewind.
LADY SYBIL
You know, I remember taking tea with Lord Vetinari, back in the day. He was such a gentleman back then.
RINCEWIND
I expect your opinion of him has changed a bit.
LADY SYBIL
The first thing we need to do is find out where that asshole is keeping Samuel. I expect he's worried sick about me.
RINCEWIND
[sotto] I don't see why.
LADY SYBIL
[cheerfully] And of course if we encounter Vetinari along the way I could break his neck if you like.
Rincewind looks uncertainly at Sybil.
RINCEWIND
Er, that won't be necessary, M'lady.
LADY SYBIL
Oh, just call me Sybil.
Just then a guard rounds the corner and stops short at the sight of the uninvited guests. The mimes assume karatelike defensive stances, then leap forward and attack. The fight is surreally silent, punctuated only by Batman-like sound effect balloons ("Pow!" "Biff" "Wham" and the like). Rincewind and Sybil watch, caught somewhere between impressed and confused.
LADY SYBIL
Well, at least they're discreet about it.
RINCEWIND
They must be ninja mimes or something.
They continue ahead, until the sound of many marching feet force them to take evasive action by ducking into an unused cell and shutting the door.
Enter several guards, who file towards the cells immediately adjacent to the one occupied by the rescue party, unlock three of them, and retrieve the prisoners therein. Most of them have visible injuries of some sort, save for Chewbacca - who, being an orangutan, is too hairy for most bruises to show, though his knuckles are bruised, and he nurses them after three guards drag him out of the cell and shackle him.
Of the main characters, Vimes has a blackened eye, a bruised jaw, and a slight limp; Ridcully has a swollen lip and a cut on his brow; Colon has a bloody nose; and Nobby looks a bit more worked over than usual. All are in shackles as they are led away down the corridor.
LADY RAMKIN
[stage whisper] What the hell have they done to them?!
RINCEWIND
What ever it was, it looks like they're planning to do more of it.
LADY RAMKIN
All at once? [her face hardens slightly] If I know him, what he wants is an audience. He always was a bit of a conceited sonofabitch, even before.
RINCEWIND
We'll discuss the evil overlord's character flaws later. Right now, we have to get them out of here.
He tries to open the door. It's locked. His face falls, and he slowly turns to face his new cellmates.
RINCEWIND
[sheepish] Um... change of plans...
INT - CARBONITE FREEZING CHAMBER
The prisoners, with Ridcully in the lead, are led into a large room with lots of complicated machinery and storage tanks in it. The tanks are rimed with frost. Also present are Darth Vetinari, Herrenna, Casanunda, and a few anonymous Imperials.
DARTH VETINARI
As you can see, the Ecksians have devoted many years of research into various methods of preservation. Most of them involving the long-term cooling of beer. Ahem. [gestures to the machinery] This, as you might expect, is the latest method to be used commercially - carbonite, which preserves cargo at an approximate temperature of 400 degrees below zero. Of course, it has never been tested on a living subject... may I have a volunteer?
[A guard with a shock-stick jolts Ridcully forward.]
Ah. Thank you.
Chewbacca roars his protest at what Vetinari is obviously planning to do, and he attacks the guard with the shock-stick, clobbering him in the stomach with his shackled fists. Several other guards draw their weapons, aiming at the ape. Ridcully turns at the commotion.
RIDCULLY
Chewie!
Chewie stops abruptly in the process of choking the guard, looking mournfully at his friend.
RIDCULLY
This won't do any of us any good. Now listen to me - *listen to me, Chewie!* Let him go, or you'll get us all killed.
[Chewie releases the guard, who stumbles back, grateful for his renewed access to oxygen]
Now, I expect that I have some business to take care of right now. I'm putting you in charge of the Falcon while I'm gone. And I want you to keep the others safe, all right? I'll be back as soon as I can.
Chewbacca wails.
Vetinari pinches the bridge of his nose.
DARTH VETINARI
[looking a bit nauseated] Oh, this is all very touching. [to the guards] Just get him in the damned freezer before I get sick.
The guards, as per their orders, pull Ridcully back, away from Chewbacca and the others and into the device. Ridcully sets his face in the sort of expression that is meant to reassure others that he's not concerned but nonetheless looks like he knows this will be unpleasant. The platform he is standing on begins to lower into the floor.
The Rebels watch him sink from view, helpless to prevent his fate.
When he reaches the bottom of the shaft, the carbonite hisses out around him, obscuring him in a freezing white cloud. He makes no sound.
Several interminable seconds later, the cloud dissipates, and a large mechanical claw reaches down into the narrow shaft and extracts a single frozen slab, setting it upright next to the freezing chamber. Right now we only see the rear part of it as everyone else regards the Empire's handiwork critically, including Vetinari himself.
GUARD #1
Well, it certainly makes a statement...
GUARD #2
Should we do it over, sir?
There is a thoughtful pause.
DARTH VETINARI
... no. You're right, it does make a statement... one that rather aptly sums up my opinion of Jabba. [to Herrenna] What do you think, my dear?
HERRENNA
For one thing, I'm not your anything. For another... I estimate my employer would not be so amused if he knew of your opinion of him.
VIMES
[aside to Colon] At least Ridcully got the last laugh...
ON THE CARBONITE BLOCK
which has done a remarkable job at preserving the old smuggler, down to the individual strands of his hair and beard, the stick-that-in-your-pipe-and-smoke-it grin on his tortured face, and the defiantly upturned middle finger now immortalised in carbonite.
DARTH VETINARI
[to one of the dwarves manning the carbonite freezer] Is he alive?
The dwarf in question checks a few readouts on the frame of the slab.
DWARF #1
He's alive... and in perfect hibernation. He's ready to transport whenever you're ready.
DARTH VETINARI
Good. You, you, and you, take the popsicle to Herrenna's ship. The rest of you - except you - take the prisoners back to their cells.
Exeunt all expect for a few random dwarves busy shutting down the freezer, Darth Vetinari, and one officer.
OFFICER
You wanted to see me, sir?
DARTH VETINARI
My moment of triumph is at hand - I can almost taste it... but there seems to be something missing. Something that would make the moment more complete.
OFFICER
[helpful] You could try a villainous laugh, sir.
DARTH VETINARI
A what?
OFFICER
A villainous laugh - you know, the sort of full, echoing laugh of borderline maniacal triumph that signals the lowest point in the heroes' lives. [beat] I read about them.
DARTH VETINARI
That seems a bit much, doesn't it? I mean, aren't madmen and megalomaniacs the only ones who use villainous laughter?
OFFICER
[diplomatically] I understand they're very therapeutic.
Vetinari looks at him askance.
DARTH VETINARI
Oh, very well... but I'll practice in my room.
[turns and walks away down a corridor]
[sotto] Villainous laugh... pfah. The very idea is laughable. On the other hand... Hm. [experimentally] Hehehe. [frowns] Hahahaha. [tries again, summoning the reserves of his villainy] Hahahahaha... [more villainous]*hahahahahahahaha*.... [really putting some effort into it] HAAA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA...
The officer listens as this villainous laugh echoes for a few more seconds before something apparently catches in Vetinari's throat and he explodes into a coughing fit. The officer winces.
OFFICER
[sotto] So close...
*****
End Part 12.
*****
INT - CASANUNDA'S PALACE
A junction between two corridors dominates the shot. Presently, a mime stealthily approaches the corner, crouches, and peers around the corner. Another mime stealthily approaches the corner, hops up lightly to crouch on the shoulders of the first mime, and peers around the corner. A third mime stealthily approaches the corner, hops up lightly to crouch on the shoulders of the second mime, and peers around the corner. A fourth mime stealthily approaches the corner, climbs up lightly to crouch on the shoulders of the third mime, and peers around the corner.
From this vantage point, a prison cell is clearly visible. There is activity within.
GUARD #1
Right... lessee what this little twit has on him.
GUARD #2
I think we can pretty much rule out any sense of fashion.
NOBBY
Hey now...
GUARD #1
Shut up and hold still.
NOBBY
[grumbles]
GUARD #1
Okay... one Burleigh and Stronginthearm heavy crossbow.
NOBBY
That was a Hogswatch present.
GUARD #2
One blaster.
NOBBY
I have a permit for that.
GUARD #1
One bazooka.
NOBBY
Er...
GUARD #2
Blowpipe.
NOBBY
Souvenir.
GUARD #1
Thermonuclear warhead.
NOBBY
So *that's* where I left that!
GUARD #2
Sword... [low whistle] Hackmaster +18.
NOBBY
Looted that fair and square.
GUARD #1
One BFG 9000.
NOBBY
I do a bit of hunting on the side.
GUARD #2
Compact disc. [reading] "William Shatner Sings Metallica's Greatest Hits."
There is a very long, scared pause, the sort that occurs when one locks a heavy blast door against a ferocious, indestructible, and all-around unpleasant monster... only to discover that one has in fact locked the aforementioned monster in with one and that it is now breathing on the back of one's head.
GUARD #1
Well, I think that's it for the doublet. Who wants to check his trousers?
There is the sound of nobody volunteering.
The top mime in the stack motions to someone out of frame, who turns out to be two someones, Rincewind and Lady Sybil, as they round the corner occupied by the unstacking mimes. Lady Sybil is still clad in the noblewoman's dress and dragon padding, though Ferdy has elected to stay with Rincewind.
LADY SYBIL
You know, I remember taking tea with Lord Vetinari, back in the day. He was such a gentleman back then.
RINCEWIND
I expect your opinion of him has changed a bit.
LADY SYBIL
The first thing we need to do is find out where that asshole is keeping Samuel. I expect he's worried sick about me.
RINCEWIND
[sotto] I don't see why.
LADY SYBIL
[cheerfully] And of course if we encounter Vetinari along the way I could break his neck if you like.
Rincewind looks uncertainly at Sybil.
RINCEWIND
Er, that won't be necessary, M'lady.
LADY SYBIL
Oh, just call me Sybil.
Just then a guard rounds the corner and stops short at the sight of the uninvited guests. The mimes assume karatelike defensive stances, then leap forward and attack. The fight is surreally silent, punctuated only by Batman-like sound effect balloons ("Pow!" "Biff" "Wham" and the like). Rincewind and Sybil watch, caught somewhere between impressed and confused.
LADY SYBIL
Well, at least they're discreet about it.
RINCEWIND
They must be ninja mimes or something.
They continue ahead, until the sound of many marching feet force them to take evasive action by ducking into an unused cell and shutting the door.
Enter several guards, who file towards the cells immediately adjacent to the one occupied by the rescue party, unlock three of them, and retrieve the prisoners therein. Most of them have visible injuries of some sort, save for Chewbacca - who, being an orangutan, is too hairy for most bruises to show, though his knuckles are bruised, and he nurses them after three guards drag him out of the cell and shackle him.
Of the main characters, Vimes has a blackened eye, a bruised jaw, and a slight limp; Ridcully has a swollen lip and a cut on his brow; Colon has a bloody nose; and Nobby looks a bit more worked over than usual. All are in shackles as they are led away down the corridor.
LADY RAMKIN
[stage whisper] What the hell have they done to them?!
RINCEWIND
What ever it was, it looks like they're planning to do more of it.
LADY RAMKIN
All at once? [her face hardens slightly] If I know him, what he wants is an audience. He always was a bit of a conceited sonofabitch, even before.
RINCEWIND
We'll discuss the evil overlord's character flaws later. Right now, we have to get them out of here.
He tries to open the door. It's locked. His face falls, and he slowly turns to face his new cellmates.
RINCEWIND
[sheepish] Um... change of plans...
INT - CARBONITE FREEZING CHAMBER
The prisoners, with Ridcully in the lead, are led into a large room with lots of complicated machinery and storage tanks in it. The tanks are rimed with frost. Also present are Darth Vetinari, Herrenna, Casanunda, and a few anonymous Imperials.
DARTH VETINARI
As you can see, the Ecksians have devoted many years of research into various methods of preservation. Most of them involving the long-term cooling of beer. Ahem. [gestures to the machinery] This, as you might expect, is the latest method to be used commercially - carbonite, which preserves cargo at an approximate temperature of 400 degrees below zero. Of course, it has never been tested on a living subject... may I have a volunteer?
[A guard with a shock-stick jolts Ridcully forward.]
Ah. Thank you.
Chewbacca roars his protest at what Vetinari is obviously planning to do, and he attacks the guard with the shock-stick, clobbering him in the stomach with his shackled fists. Several other guards draw their weapons, aiming at the ape. Ridcully turns at the commotion.
RIDCULLY
Chewie!
Chewie stops abruptly in the process of choking the guard, looking mournfully at his friend.
RIDCULLY
This won't do any of us any good. Now listen to me - *listen to me, Chewie!* Let him go, or you'll get us all killed.
[Chewie releases the guard, who stumbles back, grateful for his renewed access to oxygen]
Now, I expect that I have some business to take care of right now. I'm putting you in charge of the Falcon while I'm gone. And I want you to keep the others safe, all right? I'll be back as soon as I can.
Chewbacca wails.
Vetinari pinches the bridge of his nose.
DARTH VETINARI
[looking a bit nauseated] Oh, this is all very touching. [to the guards] Just get him in the damned freezer before I get sick.
The guards, as per their orders, pull Ridcully back, away from Chewbacca and the others and into the device. Ridcully sets his face in the sort of expression that is meant to reassure others that he's not concerned but nonetheless looks like he knows this will be unpleasant. The platform he is standing on begins to lower into the floor.
The Rebels watch him sink from view, helpless to prevent his fate.
When he reaches the bottom of the shaft, the carbonite hisses out around him, obscuring him in a freezing white cloud. He makes no sound.
Several interminable seconds later, the cloud dissipates, and a large mechanical claw reaches down into the narrow shaft and extracts a single frozen slab, setting it upright next to the freezing chamber. Right now we only see the rear part of it as everyone else regards the Empire's handiwork critically, including Vetinari himself.
GUARD #1
Well, it certainly makes a statement...
GUARD #2
Should we do it over, sir?
There is a thoughtful pause.
DARTH VETINARI
... no. You're right, it does make a statement... one that rather aptly sums up my opinion of Jabba. [to Herrenna] What do you think, my dear?
HERRENNA
For one thing, I'm not your anything. For another... I estimate my employer would not be so amused if he knew of your opinion of him.
VIMES
[aside to Colon] At least Ridcully got the last laugh...
ON THE CARBONITE BLOCK
which has done a remarkable job at preserving the old smuggler, down to the individual strands of his hair and beard, the stick-that-in-your-pipe-and-smoke-it grin on his tortured face, and the defiantly upturned middle finger now immortalised in carbonite.
DARTH VETINARI
[to one of the dwarves manning the carbonite freezer] Is he alive?
The dwarf in question checks a few readouts on the frame of the slab.
DWARF #1
He's alive... and in perfect hibernation. He's ready to transport whenever you're ready.
DARTH VETINARI
Good. You, you, and you, take the popsicle to Herrenna's ship. The rest of you - except you - take the prisoners back to their cells.
Exeunt all expect for a few random dwarves busy shutting down the freezer, Darth Vetinari, and one officer.
OFFICER
You wanted to see me, sir?
DARTH VETINARI
My moment of triumph is at hand - I can almost taste it... but there seems to be something missing. Something that would make the moment more complete.
OFFICER
[helpful] You could try a villainous laugh, sir.
DARTH VETINARI
A what?
OFFICER
A villainous laugh - you know, the sort of full, echoing laugh of borderline maniacal triumph that signals the lowest point in the heroes' lives. [beat] I read about them.
DARTH VETINARI
That seems a bit much, doesn't it? I mean, aren't madmen and megalomaniacs the only ones who use villainous laughter?
OFFICER
[diplomatically] I understand they're very therapeutic.
Vetinari looks at him askance.
DARTH VETINARI
Oh, very well... but I'll practice in my room.
[turns and walks away down a corridor]
[sotto] Villainous laugh... pfah. The very idea is laughable. On the other hand... Hm. [experimentally] Hehehe. [frowns] Hahahaha. [tries again, summoning the reserves of his villainy] Hahahahaha... [more villainous]*hahahahahahahaha*.... [really putting some effort into it] HAAA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA...
The officer listens as this villainous laugh echoes for a few more seconds before something apparently catches in Vetinari's throat and he explodes into a coughing fit. The officer winces.
OFFICER
[sotto] So close...
*****
End Part 12.