Fumbling Towards Ecstasy
By Ashura no Miko
Fumbling Towards Ecstasy/Sarah McLachlan
___________________________

[All the fear has left me now,
I'm not frightened anymore.]

Heero leaned back against the headboard of his bed, one hand lazily stroking the chestnut hair spread over his lap. He dragged his worn hands through it, picking it up only to watch as the silky strands slid from his fingers like water. He glanced down at the sleeping face resting on his thighs, and didn't try to resist the slight smile that tugged on the edge of his lips. In the dark, with no eyes on him, there was no point. He smiled.
The Preventer dorm room was a bit small for two people to live in, but it was new, and clean, which already made it the most comfortable place that the two had ever spent time in together. Their nomadic lifestyles during and after the war had caused mess and havoc in their temporary rooms - be they dorms or hotel rooms. Those rooms were always 'other places', something not quite their own. But this, here, was their room. With drawers, and a desk that was theirs, and a closet they could fill. And a bed that was used by no one else but them. It was... something Heero hadn't had for so long he could barely remember it, and by the way Duo acted, it was something he had never had at all. Of course, there were two beds in the room, but Duo's always remained neat and made, no matter what time of the day or night. It was more comfortable to have him nearby, even if Duo would just smile blankly and lay there.
Heero's hand cupped Duo's cheek and glanced down at the American once more. Duo shifted slightly in his sleep, but didn't wake. Heero frowned slightly, studying him with his normal intensity, but as always, the American merely ignored him, eyes shut and breathing steady. The Japanese boy sighed and leaned back again, shutting his eyes and relaxing a bit. It was hard to imagine that he had ever been frightened of the feelings this one slender boy brought him.

[It's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh.]

Heero let the silky strands drop from his fingers, absently arranging them on the sheets, until they formed something of a halo around Duo, the chestnut locks looking almost black in the darkened room. The Japanese boy's lips quirked slightly before lowering his arms to carefully lift Duo's sleep relaxed torso from his lap, to deposit the other boy on the bed. He slowly unwound his arms from the American and slipped quietly off the bed, careful not to wake his companion. Heero silently walked towards the small window that looked out over the sizable colony that Preventer Headquarters was located upon. The colony was in "night" mode, and its specially designed buildings seemed translucent in the darkness, the lights of the streets rebounding off the glasslike surfaces - it was a sight that Duo would have loved. That is, if he was even aware enough to notice it. Heero hung his head.
How long Duo had been like this, dead to the world, Heero did not know, but he swore to himself that he'd find a way to drag Duo back to him somehow, even if he was kicking and screaming the whole way. After all, it was all his fault, really.
He and Duo had begun their strange, obsessive affair during the war of 195 A.C., when the Gundams had first been created, and they had somehow managed to carry it and themselves through that, the next year, and the Marimeia incident. After all that...they couldn't just give up now. Heero couldn't just give up now, not when it hadn't been so long ago that he had forced himself to keep going. So that left them here - alone, silent, in a small dormitory at Preventer Headquarters. And yet, somehow, at some point in all of that, Duo had slipped away from him, and he couldn't figure out when or where and how that happened. What visit, what incident was it that had pushed Duo's tantalizing spirit out of his reach? Somehow, Heero didn't think that it had been pushed to a place any better than this. Even if this place was so miserable and old, Heero felt that Duo's mind was in a hellhole even worse than this world.

[It's my mouth that pushes out this breath.]

Heero sighed and turned his back to the window, leaning back against it. He stared down at his bare feet, pressed against the flat, hard carpet that covered the floor. He shut his eyes slowly, hanging his head even more, sighing for a second time before raising his head to gaze nervously at the figure on the bed. He had never been apprehensive about anything in his life. It was a strange, unpleasant feeling that made his gut ache. As though sensing Heero's uncomfortable gaze upon him, Duo rolled over, blank, wakeful eyes coming to rest on the Japanese boy. He sat up on the bed slowly, his hair sliding over the pillows and sheets with mesmerizing grace. Heero stared at him, transfixed.
"Why are you up?" Duo asked quietly, as though afraid that Heero might actually hear his question.
"Hn... I..." Heero paused, averting his eyes awkwardly. He had seen other people do it, when they had to admit something that they didn't really want to say, though he had never done it before himself. He found that it didn't really help much.
"...mm." Duo nodded faintly and lay back down on the bed, looking at Heero for a moment before shifting his gaze out to the colony beyond the window pane. Heero waited silently, hoping for the comment that he knew would never come. Only a few months ago, Duo would have started to babble quietly about the colony and its beauty, or perhaps the fragile balance of peace and war, joy and suffering, but this Duo was silent and still... and blank. He was void like a huge gaping wound that would never quite heal, and the worst part of it all was that Heero knew that it was his fault. Duo was the one thing in all the world and colonies who could make him feel human. Well...there were others, Relena, the other pilots...But Duo was the only one who really liked Heero when he was human. Duo was the only one who had valued him when no one else had. Duo was the thing-... person, he amended angrily, that he valued most. And yet, it was he who had ruined him.
He stood there, and stared at Duo, but was unable to say a word to the bed before him. Even though he knew it would only take a few words to begin to heal Duo, he couldn't say a word. There was too much between them that needed to be said, and neither of them would pause to speak. So they just sat in silence, wishing that the other would say what they were so afraid to.
[And if I shed a tear I won't cage it.
I won't fear love.]

A state of nothingness is something that the human mind cannot comprehend. Blackness is what the mind imagines as nothingness, but really, even black is something.
Duo stared blankly at the mirror before him, as though expecting it to make some action or sound. He lifted one hand to rest on the smooth surface, watching as his reflection mimicked him without hesitation. He dragged his fingers over the cool glass, watching the disappearing condensation as they passed their tips across the coldness. Duo smiled slightly.
He knew what nothing was. Nothing. Nothing merely reflected something, because Nothing was there, it just had nothing that was its own. Nothing had no color, or texture, or smell, or sound, or flavor. It merely Was. It was there. Mirrors were Nothing. They could only reflect - never projecting their own image. Nothing was endless mirrors, never reflecting Something. Mirrors with nothing to reflect. Like him. A mirror too shattered to reflect anything properly. And a mirror that can't reflect has no worth - is nothing.
Duo sighed and shook his head, smiling ruefully. If he had had the energy to, he would have admonished himself. Depression was not something he could go through. 245 people were dead, who could no longer live and laugh and cry. Joy and depression were luxuries that they would ever be able to experience, so why should he? He was one of them. He was responsible for them. The less he had to feel, the closer he was to them - the closer he was to the dead without dying himself. He didn't have the right to die anymore. After all, he had to atone for all his sins, and he didn't even know how to. If he could just kill all those feelings... wipe them out of his decaying body, and let himself live in silence with Them - the ones who had already left him. Living, breathing silence, with no feeling at all. To be able to purge his body of those clawing emotions was a dream that he could only wish to come true. Then why was it that those feelings clung to him with all their strength? And he with all of his?
He watched with fascination as the tears tracked over his cheeks with determined purpose. They were soft, and clear, reflecting the room in a distorted, bulging drop, before dipping below his chin and disappearing. He couldn't even remember crying before, though he was sure that he had at some time.
He stared into the mirror in awe. He knew that he had never seen his own tears before. The way his eyes burned and turned red...the way the skin under his eyes became tender and swollen... it was breathtaking. They were there... and yet... not. They reflected, like the mirror - like nothing.
Duo lifted his hand to wipe them away, only to find his cheeks dry, and the mirror broken, his hand coated in blood.
[And if I feel a rage I won't deny it.
I won't fear love.]

Heero cursed audibly, slamming his foot into the side of the bathtub. He gritted his teeth and kicked it again, listening to the quiet groan as the synthetic porcelain began to bend slightly under the pressure. He turned from it quickly and punched the wall with all his pent up anger, the wood splintering and cracking around the blow. Beneath his feet, the shards of glass winced and scraped over the floor. He slowly pulled his fist free of the hole he had created in the wall, sighing as he let it drop to his side, the flare of rage draining away, leaving him with only the after effects of the adrenaline.
He didn't know what to do when he had arrived home, just a little while ago. He had entered the dormitory to find Duo absent. He had done a cursory sweep of their single room dorm, and had assumed that Duo had simply gone out. That is, until he had heard the crunching noises coming from the bathroom. He had opened the door, only to have his eyes widen in a mixture of anger and horror at the sight that greeted him.
Duo stood in the middle of the small bathroom, surrounded by shards of glass that reflected his image in a thousand different ways. On the wall, the mirror had been shattered to the point where the frame was almost completely empty, the brown backing quite visible. Broken, shimmering shards littered the countertop and the floor, dangerous in their razor, crystalline beauty. Also coating the floor was a smeared, russet red that couldn't be anything else but blood. Duo's blood.
After gripping Duo harshly by the shoulders and hauling him out of the bathroom, roughly depositing him on the edge of the bed, he had given his slender lover a glare that would have been a match for the shriveling glares he had given during the war. He had never been one to 'yell' exactly, but the voice he had used on Duo then had booked no argument.
"What the hell happened?" He had shaken Duo then, quite violently, watching the American's head snap back and forth like a doll's. "What the hell were you thinking, Duo!?" He had vaguely registered that his voice was rising, both in volume and in pitch. He had taken the fear and panic running rampant in his mind and quickly molded them into anger. Rage.
His hands had twisted and tightened around Duo's upper arms, releasing them only when he felt the skin pinch and twist beneath his fingers. There would be bruises there tomorrow, he was sure of that.
He had scowled down at Duo, more angry at himself than at the American. He should have foreseen this, should have seen it coming somehow. He should have prevented it, should have been there to watch over his Duo. His hands had curled into self loathing fists once he had released Duo, glaring darkly at the long haired youth.
"Stay there." He had cautioned. "Just... stay there." He had felt the terror building up in him, making him shudder slightly as he turned to march into the bathroom. The anger was fading fast, leaving the panic wide open.
How long? How long until Duo lost interest in this world and drifted away, just like that? And just disappear with all the souls of all the others Heero had killed? If Duo died... he wouldn't be able to fool himself to think that it wasn't his fault. It was. Duo's slide into depression, the blank look in his eyes, the self mutilation... Heero knew what it all stemmed from.
Him.
Which all left him standing in the bathroom, staring at the wall he had just punched, with nothing more he could do. And in that moment, the anger faded away completely, leaving only fear.
[Companion to our demons,
they will dance, and we will play.]

"Heero?"
The young soldier turned back to address his commanding officer.
Sally Po watched him with relaxed, worried eyes, different from the severe, stern eyes from just a moment ago, when she had been debriefing him.
"Yes?" Heero replied, not one for using names, even to his superiors.
"... How are things?" She smiled slightly, but the concern didn't leave her face. Her curls shifted as she quirked her head slightly.
"... Fine." He answered cryptically, unable to keep the hint of wariness from entering his voice. Sally's smile faded, and Heero admonished himself. She was only concerned. He should be appreciative, not irritated.
"I've noticed that both you and Duo have been looking a little... overtaxed, lately." She paused and wet her lips, debating whether to pursue the issue further or not.
She was unsure of how exactly to take care of her five best, but emotionally troubled agents. As of late, she had noticed gradual improvement with Wufei, who had practically become part of her family, and had been encouraging and helping him as best she could. As for Quatre and Trowa, she had been pleased to note that the two had been helping one another along quite well, and needed little encouragement to begin rebuilding their lives.
Her brow furrowed as she watched the Japanese boy, noting the dark rings under his eyes that normally weren't there. His piercing blue eyes met hers, as though to challenge her to say anything. Had she been anyone but who she was, it might have ended there, but Sally Po was not to be intimidated by a 17 year old boy - ex-Gundam pilot or no. She merely smiled at him, as though his superior strength and speed meant nothing to her, yet there was no mockery or snideness in her expressions, only respect and concern.
"Heero, you're an idiot..." She shook her head slightly, and her face softened. "I'm not your enemy, and I don't intend to be." She sighed and turned away slightly. "Just... if you or Duo are in any trouble, please tell me. You know that I'd do my best to help. At the very least, I could relieve you of some of your missions-"
"We'll be fine." He cut in, almost quietly, pausing for a moment before tacking on a quick, "Thank you."
She blinked, then smiled slowly. With a slight nod, Sally turned and walked back down the long corridor to her office without another word, knowing that their discussion was now quite closed.
Heero watched her go with a puzzled expression. Her concern was founded... and that was what bothered him. Had he become that transparent? How much self-control had Duo caused him to lose? How far had he slipped? He sighed softly and began to make his way back to their room, feeling like he was dragging his feet slightly.
'Duo...you are my imperfection.'
[With chairs, candles, and cloth,
making darkness in the day.]

The stone walls were built high and thick, each stone transported from Earth. The glass in the windows was recent, but the pictures and colors used in it were old and sacred. Each pew was carefully spaced, with hard, upright backs to ensure that the congregation wouldn't fall asleep during the sermon. At the end of the center walkway lay a table, supported by one, thick stone pillar in the center, rather than by four legs, one at each corner. Laid over the stone table was a pure white cloth, and placed on that were two tall candles, flames flickering at the top and golden holders at their base. The pale light that filtered through the stained glass spilled over the sanctuary, giving it the ethereal feel that was intended.
Duo just laughed.
"Can I help you?"
Duo turned to face the speaker, a middle aged man in a simple, black, clerical robe. The American was not wearing his own clerical clothing, having abandoned it for his Preventer's uniform, his jacket slung over his shoulder.
"Hmm?" He questioned vaguely.
"I said, can I help you?" The priest asked again.
"Oh..." Duo paused, as if processing the question, then smiled brightly. "No, thanks. I'm just looking around."
"I see." The man also smiled, but did not move away. Duo's smile faded.
"I said, I'm fine."
"Yes, I know." The man just smiled and nodded. Duo frowned.
"So what was it, old man? The long hair? The soldiers uniform? The smile? Or maybe my voice? Or was it just my manner in general?"
"Ah?" The man blinked, face bewildered.
"That set you off, I mean. What was it that made you assume that I'm just an idiot that needs to be watched over in case he decides to trash the church?"
"Now...young man, I- "
"'Cause the way I see it, the only idiot around here is you. You see, there is no God. And even if there was, then He's dead, isn't He? Because if He wasn't, then He'd look after his followers, right? But here you are, despite all that sitting around and blindly believing, and for what? So that you can baby-sit possible believers when they come to around your church? Now, let's say I'm wrong, just for argument's sake, and God is real, and He is alive, and I'm just one of the unlucky sods who's never seen His good grace. Why would you be out here, looking after your precious sanctuary from big, bad soldiers like me, when your God should be able to keep His house safe? Shouldn't your faith in Him be as big as a mustard seed and all that crap? 'Cause right now, it's struggling to make the size of a skin cell. You don't deserve those clothes, or this church. To you, this is just a game where you light these candles everyday and lead poor fools like yourself around by the nose. You don't know what real faith is. You don't know what sanctity is. You just play your little game and pretend to pray to a God who doesn't give a damn. Well, I'll do you a little favor. I'll end it for you." Duo smiled a bit and reached behind himself to draw his hand pistol from his waist band. With unnatural steadiness, he aimed the gun at the man's gut, shutting one eyes for a moment to sight it, then opening it again with a crooked smile. The priest was visibly shaking. "Bang." Duo's cynical smile widened very slightly. "I just killed your faith."
With that, Duo calmly tucked the gun back into his waistband and turned his back on the priest, who's knees had given out. Leaving the priest on the ground, Duo exited the church without a backward glance. Once outside, he leaned back against the cold stones of the outer wall.
"Forgive me, Father..." He swallowed hard. "For I have sinned."

The next day, the priest resigned his position.
[It will be easy to look in or out,
upstream or down...]

Heero stared blankly at the empty room, then at the rumpled sheets on the bed, where he had left Duo but a few hours earlier.
"Duo?" He questioned quietly, but with all the coldness that had been trained into him. He paused and waited for a reply, even though he knew that Duo wasn't there. He moved forward slowly, sitting on the edge of the bed gingerly, as though afraid of disturbing something.
Strong fingers wrapped around cold, dead cotton sheets, and Heero sighed. Whenever Duo had left, it hadn't been recent. Shutting his eyes, Heero let himself fall back against the bed. For once in his restricted life, he let his mind drift. He tried desperately to recapture every expression he had ever seen on his elusive lover's face, as though to preserve those mental images for the droll days to come. Heero frowned slightly. They wouldn't be enough.
Everyday he let slip through his fingers was another day that Duo moved farther away from his waking world, and further away from him. He knew, with frightening certainty, that it was his own weakness that was preventing his lover from being his normal self.
'If I were perfect, if I didn't have this weakness, we'd be happy. Happy...is... that is a word I've never used before... you used to use it all the time, even though it never applied to you...'
He opened his eyes without blinking, and stared at the unblemished ceiling.
"Duo..." His voice sounded strange in his ears - too soft, too tender. "... somehow... soon... I'll find out how to make you happy... I... I'm sorry." He cursed and rolled on to his side.
He wasn't enough. How could he ever be enough if he couldn't even say it to himself without stuttering? The words he needed to say to Duo... yet even when he was alone, with no one else to hear him, he couldn't speak them. He didn't understand. How could Duo stand a coward like him? A coward who couldn't even take care of his own lover...
He stared at his hand, which lay in front of his face. He watched the strong fingers slowly curl into his palm, pushing down until his fist trembled with anger and determination.
'One day... I will be worthy of you... soon... I'll be able to make you smile again...'
"Duo..." He sighed and up. "...where are you?"
[...without a thought.]

"Who are you?"
"I am Shinigami."
"What are you?"
"I am Death."
"Why are you here?"
"Shinigami is here."
"What are you doing?"
"I'm..."
"What are you doing?"
Duo held his head.
"Leave me alone."
"What are you doing, Shinigami?"
"I..."
"Are you afraid?"
"St... stop it..." Blood welled in the cuts on his face as his fingernails dug into his skin.
"What are you afraid of, Shinigami?"
"Nothing. I am afraid of nothing!"
"Is that true?"
"I don't lie!"
"Is that true?"
"I run and I hide but I never lie!"
"... is that true?"
"..."
"What are you running from?"
"You..." Duo lowered his red hands and was faintly surprised to see the ground.
"What are you hiding from?"
"Myself." He huddled down against the solid surface behind him. It didn't matter if it was a tree or a wall. All that matter was that it supported his weight. "Am I... am I crazy...?"
No reply.
[And if I shed a tear I won't cage it.
I won't fear love.]

It was a sensation that was long forgotten. Too forgotten. It cleansed, but as it did, it burned. The confused young man didn't know if or how to welcome them, or curse them as they rolled lazily, then with haste down his cheeks.
'I won't hold this back anymore... These tears are for you, Duo. They are for you. If only you could see them... but I don't think I can. I'm not strong enough to let you see me cry. But... I thought that tears were a weakness... why did you have to turn everything inside out... I feel lost... I don't even know what it means to feel lost...'
Curled up in the corner of the bathroom, Heero stared up at the plain brown board that used to be the mirror. The shards had long been swept up, and the floor was so clean one couldn't imagine blood having ever been on it. Still though, every so often Heero would find a tiny splinter of glass that he'd missed.
His eyes fogged over.
'Every time that I think that I've come a little further... every time I think that I've cleaned up all the shards... I find yet another splinter to wound us... and now I wonder... even if I manage to sweep all those harmful shards away... is it too late... has the glass already cut you so badly that you can't even survive...? Hn... if anything, it was I that stabbed you, wasn't it...? Shit... I'm even beginning to think like you... I thought I owned you but... in reality, it's you who controls me... and the damage of my foolhardy assumption has already been inflicted...'
He sighed and shook his head, lifting his hands to cover his face. He slowly let the calloused, yet still sensitive pads of his fingers trace over the wet tracks on his cheeks, revelling in the knowledge that they came from his eyes, and no one else's. So many times he had seen them fall down other cheeks, and each time he saw them, he had to wonder of they would ever again grace his own cheeks. He could remember crying as a child, but it had been so long since...
And of course, only Duo... only Death, could finally bring his tears back.
He had been taught to follow his feelings, and finally, he was truly beginning to. He only hoped he would be able to learn to do so in time to help Duo.
'I'm used to sacrificing things... it was a part of my life as a soldier... but this is different... this is Duo... but why should it be any different? Why should I sacrifice myself for a mission but not for Duo? I can honestly admit to myself that Duo is more important to me now than they ever were... if I can follow my-...
'People think that I don't understand... but they're wrong. I'm not oblivious... I know what love is... what friendship is, and relationships... I know what they are, and how they work, but-... I've only ever seen others experience them. I know what is expected of me... I know what I need to do but... I've never felt them myself, I do not know how to-...'
Heero's head snapped up as he heard the faint sound of a key scraping against the lock, as though someone was having trouble centering the key. It didn't matter though. That sound meant...
"Duo."
[And if I feel a rage I won't deny it.
I won't fear love.]

Duo clawed desperately at the cold, unresponsive wall. He shrieked with anger, hitting it with even more strength as though to force a reaction for it. Why? Why couldn't he wound it? He just wished that it would scream, beg, feel silent terror... crumble. Something to show his strength over it, but all that happened was a few chips fell from its bricks and plaster, and a couple of cracks appeared.
What had he been thinking? Why had he let himself be pulled in like this? He thought he had had control over the situation. When had he pressed Heero against the wall in Luxembourg and kissed him for the first time, he had been so sure that he had total control over himself, the boy under his lips, and the situation in general. At the time, he didn't even know if Heero would respond or not. Even better - he hadn't cared if he would respond or not. It all would be so easy if he didn't care so...
He leaned heavily against the wall, his forehead connecting with the gravelly stone. His shoulders hunched up by his cheeks, and his fist rested against the brick, by his face. He shut his eyes tightly, as though to will away the world.
He felt the numbing blanket come up around him, making the world warm and distant, like an anesthetic running through his veins. It was like viewing the world through a television set. As much as he wailed and screamed inside, everything was dead and blank outside. If he could stay here, in this state, despite the pain, he could be safe.
After that, everything outside was a blur, and the trek from the cold, uncaring brick wall to the physical safety of his Preventer dorm passed in a hazy moment of elapsed time. The rain that drizzled on the dull brown hair was unnoticed by it's owner. When he stared into the prussian blue eyes that confronted him from across the threshold, Duo wondered when Heero had gotten here, as though he didn't even realize that he had walked to Heero himself. The Japanese boy pulled him into the dorm and into his arms, holding the sopping wet youth to him tightly.

[Peace in this struggle...]

Heero's hands wandered lazily through Duo's damp hair, noticing again how pale and thin Duo looked beneath him. With a soft sigh, he carefully moved the damp mass away from Duo's shivering body. He brought the blanket up around his partner's shoulders, only to be frozen in place when the violet eyes that he both feared and followed opened without warning.

[...to find peace...]

With more tenderness than he had ever used before in his life, Heero buried his hands beneath Duo's back and lifted the limp form to him. Resting Duo's head against his collar bone, Heero pressed his cheek to the soft crown of hair. The Japanese boy shut his eyes and gathered the chilled warmth of his lover to him.

[...comfort...]

Duo breathed in a scent more familiar than his own and tried desperately to remember how he had come back into Heero's arms. Those hands that could bend steel carefully tugged him closer, and Duo fell forward into the comfortable silence that thrummed between him and his partner.

[...all the way...]

Duo bent his head back, his back arched like a swan's neck, one strong hand supporting him, keeping his dip from becoming a fall. Heero held the almost fragile boy in his arms, knowing at the same time that Duo was stronger than that. They both remained silent, but Heero leaned down, pulling Duo up so that his lips grazed Duo's ear. The room was silent, still and dark.

[...to comfort.]

Heero's hand slipped beneath the loose shirt he had placed on Duo to replace his Preventer's uniform. His hand lingered over the soft skin at the delta of Duo's ribcage, then continued towards his neck, pulling the shirt with it. He carefully lowered Duo to the bed again, gazing down at the startlingly mortal boy who had willingly befriended and brought to life a toy soldier - in exchange for himself.
"Duo..." Heero couldn't say any more, but he tried his best to communicate his gratitude through the tender touch of his roughened hands that night.

[And if I shed a tear I won't cage it.
I won't fear love.]

Heero stared at the boy beside him, their bodies pressed together from shoulder to thigh. Duo slept on, oblivious to Heero's stare, his features angelic, but too gaunt and saddened to be one. A dying angel. The Japanese boy traced Duo's collar bone with one finger, fascinated by the texture of Duo's skin. It was amazing how many things he had just blatantly taken for granted. Color, texture, sound... the very warmth that Duo emitted, despite the coldness of his too-thin fingers. At the other end of the room, his computer blinked silently.
Heero stared over at it, then lowered his head back to the pillow to stare across at Duo's lax face. He scooted a bit closer to him, pressing one hand to the other boy's bare back, and pulled his limp body to him, cradling him in his arms. Ignoring the light on the computer, Heero nuzzled softly at Duo's lips, causing the other to stir slightly. Heero stroked and petted the long locks of chestnut until he heard Duo's breathing smooth out into the slow, regular pattern of sleep. With a small, hidden smile, Heero allowed himself to doze lightly on his recent lover's shoulder.
He drifted in and out of short cat naps, finally coming fully awake just after dawn. For about an hour, he just lay comfortably beside Duo's warm body, one hand resting on the slight curve of Duo's hip. He breathed in the scent that he had come to know so well, finally leaving the bed when the sun had risen over the horizon completely. With a soft sigh he made his way to the computer, flicking the mouse to bring the monitor to life. He sat down, hearing the faint sounds of Duo stirring. He brought up the new message, scanning it briefing as he heard Duo coming up behind him, leaning over his shoulder to also browse the message from their commander, Sally Po.
A small organization located on the eastern side of the South American continent was threatening to break out in a rash of unexplained, and unexpected violence. No statements had been made to the media, but Sally had had one of her groups keep an eye on them for awhile. Once missiles and other high explosives had been transported into the base, Sally had decided that it was past time for the group to be "dealt" with. She apologized for having to send them the case, but the other three were already assigned to missions, and she couldn't give such a dangerous mission to anyone else. Besides, the Preventers were not allowed to make such an open move against a faction, and she needed agents that she knew would cover their trail. She couldn't have this coming back to the Preventers. Encoded in the e-mail were their exact instructions and the coordinates of their destination.
Heero glanced over his shoulder at Duo, trying to gather the words on the tip of his tongue, but Duo just nodded and walked towards the bathroom to get washed and dressed.
[And if I feel a rage I won't deny it.
I won't fear love]

Heero stared down at the base before him, cool prussian blue eyes observing every detail. In his hand he held a final detonator, along with a hand held com-unit. He listened to the quiet buzz of the static coming from the unit's small speaker, and checked the frequency on it for what seemed like the thousandth time. Normally he wouldn't be so jumpy, but as routine as this mission was, there was an element of it that just set him on edge. Duo was in there. And he was not.
Duo was in that base with some 20 pounds of explosives that would, sometime within the next hour, blow the base sky high. And it would be detonated by the small device in Heero's own hands once Duo radioed in to report that all the explosives were in place and that he was clear of the base. Once Heero received his go ahead, the base wouldn't even be a memory - it would just be a crater in the ground. But there were plenty of threats inside that building, and as sneaky as the braided boy was, it wasn't unimaginable that he could be caught and imprisoned by the base security. Heero resisted the urge to growl slightly, and glared down at the top of the base, as though it would help. Up on this high, distant cliff, Heero was already out of the blast zone - but Duo was not.
The explosives were pre-armed, to make for the fastest drop-off time possible, so the slightest wrong move, the tiniest stumble, could result in the death of the fey boy that shared his bed and more. His hand tightened around the detonator, and he checked that the protective case was still firmly clasped shut over the deadly red button.
He grit his teeth and fervently wished that it was he who was in the base, and not Duo. But it was Duo who was more skilled at stealth and espionage. Heero could run into that base and cause mass destruction as easily as that, without even a second thought, but he couldn't sneak in there with the same guarantee of escaping without discovery, and it was necessary that this mission be carried out without any loose ends. No one could know that the Preventers were involved in this very militaristic maneuver.
Heero glanced at the frequency tuner again, then turned the volume up a bit higher, shifting uneasily. He gnawed slightly on his lower lip, a habit he had picked up from watching Duo too often, and not quite prayed for Duo's deep voice to break through the static on the other end of the line.

[I won't fear love
I won't fear love...]

The Japanese ex-pilot leaned back against the uncomfortable stone behind him, not really noticing the uneven pieces of rock jutting into his back. 'Comfort' was not something a soldier required.
The entire situation was already beyond ridiculous. He and Duo had certainly achieved the status of 'love' by now. Heero hadn't directly experienced love before, but something in his gut just told him that this was it. This constant, agonizing need to not only be around the other person, but to ensure their happiness. Which was exactly what the problem was - Duo wasn't happy. Rather, he was the complete opposite. He was completely miserable. Suicidal, in fact. Heero was just thankful that it went against all of Duo's beliefs to commit suicide, because if it didn't, Heero was sure that by now Duo would be no more than another headstone among the many. The Japanese boy couldn't hold down his deeply felt shudder.
He couldn't stop the soldier's logic from taking over his mind and analyzing the situation coldly. In a way he was thankful for it. Perhaps it would lead him to the answer that he needed.
Now that he knew what the problem was, he had to work out the solution. How could he help Duo? To smooth out things between them would take a long time, but the first step was to get Duo's cooperation. And Heero couldn't think of any other way of getting that than to admit to the braided boy what his feelings were. The idea was more than a little nerve racking. Sitting down and talking to people just wasn't something he was accustomed to doing. It just wasn't necessary in his world before all of this. But it was his only hope of achieving the happiness that he had hoped for, silently, all through the war.
He nodded resolutely to himself. After this mission, all of this would end. He'd sit Duo down, and tell him exactly how he felt, even if it did take all of his emotional courage to do so. Duo deserved the truth. Duo deserved to be happy.
[And if I shed a tear...]

Duo carefully set the final charge, hiding it on top of one of the rafter's that supported the roof of the central building in the base. Dressed completely in black, only his face and braid were visible in the shadows. As it was, the people wandering carelessly through the base never even glanced up at him. He could have easily made a fake I.D. and snuck in here with a uniform, but if someone looked closely into the bombing, they might be able to drag it back to the Preventers, so Duo and Heero had opted to send the Shinigami in unnoticed. Unfortunately, that meant that the slightest wrong movement could betray his presence and ruin the mission.
Duo slid down once of the support beams and landed silently, slinking along the floor like a panther stalking its prey. He paused when he heard voices, then leapt back to a safe hiding place without a sound, watching the guards pass him by, unaware. Duo silently tsked the security system here. It was absolutely horrid.
He slowly navigated the maze like network of hallways and tunnels, finally coming to what his map indicated was an exit. Leaping up, he grabbed hold of a pipe in the ceiling and hoisted himself up into the uncovered pipes, wires and vent shafts in the exit's final security system. He reached back and pulled two knives from his waist belt, staring at the two guards that prevented his dash to freedom. With a quick, deadly flick of his wrist, the knife was buried to the hilt in one of the guard's heads, penetrating the metal of his helmet. Before he could even cry out, the second guard shared his partner's fate. Duo smirked grimly, though there was really no morbid mirth behind it. He prepared to jump down, feeling something catch and tug on his neck. He laughed silently. That would be so like him... to complete the mission then jump down and hang himself accidentally with a wire. With a slight tug, the wire broke and he jumped down and quickly made his way from the base. He pulled up the com-unit from his waist.
"01, this is 02 - I'm clear." There was a moment of static before the nasal voice hailed him.
"Roger - 02, you have 45 seconds to find cover."
"Understood." He clipped the unit back onto his waist and continued running towards the cover of the forest. He was almost there, almost safe, when he noticed something felt very wrong. Something was missing. He paused, knowing he shouldn't, noticing that there was a feeling of bare skin on his neck that had previously covered by a thin necklace, and there was not the light tap of the ornament on his collar bone when he ran. With trembling hands he reached for his neck, where the wire had been, where the crucifix had been...
With a hoarse cry and whirled around and sprinted back to the base, mindless of the explosives he had set just a little while ago. With fervent hands he searched the floor desperately, finally clutching at the tiny golden chain, the edges of the cross digging into his hand, even through his gloves, with the tightness of his fist. With a strangled gasp of breath, he forced himself to his feet, turning to dash out of the base.
A scant five seconds later, the explosions began to blossom from the base.
[I won't cage it.]

The door of the safehouse slammed shut, and the boy let out a weary sigh, almost sinking to the ground right there, but managed to hold himself up, and walked towards the kitchen to prepare something to drink after the long evening.
Duo poured the cold coffee into a cup, then placed it in the microwave to heat it. As the machine whirred, Duo reached up and felt for the damp spot on his arm. He pulled his hand back and looked at the blood on it, knowing he'd have to bandage his arm up later, but he had been lucky to have even gotten out of that alive. The blast itself has sent him flying nearly fifty feet... if he were a normal human, he'd probably be dead. As it was, he felt pretty crappy, but he hoped the coffee would change that.
With an exhausted huff, the American fell back on the couch, holding the coffee mug in his cold hands. He felt so, so weary. It was worse than anything else he had felt before this. Physically he could barely manage to stand up, mentally he couldn't even process simple thoughts, and emotionally... emotionally he had worn himself down to nothing. Nothing at all.
He placed the coffee mug on the table before him and leaned back against the sofa. It was easier just not to think of anything at all. If he could be dead to the world without actually dying... If only...
He shut his eyes for a moment, staring at the blackness on the back of his eyelids, ignoring the faint throbbing in his arm from the wound. If only...
This love was his sin.
[I won't fear love.]

Heero tried to dispel the smell of blood surrounding him, hoping to look a little better than the dusty, worn soldier when he entered the cramped safehouse. He was tired and weary, but he was too determined to finish this now to let his exhaustion stop him. He never let his physical state get in the way of missions, and Duo deserved more effort than a mission did. Missions benefited people. Benefited a cause. Duo was far greater to him than that. With more hope than resignation, Heero entered their safehouse, shutting the door behind him.
The lights were out, and there was an odd heaviness in the air, as though the room was anticipating what was to come. The living room, which was adjacent from the door, was lit only by the faint light of the moon outside. In the living room, sitting silently upon the couch was the long haired boy that Heero was waiting to see.
The Japanese boy sighed in a relief, and smiled, then bit his lower lip and felt his muscles tense slightly. This was where it ended.
"Duo..." Heero gritted his teeth together at the blank look in his partner's eyes, and sat down on the chair opposite him. "Ne Duo... I... need to talk to you. I know that sounds odd, coming from me, but let me speak." Silence answered him, and for a moment Heero entertained the idea that it might be too late as it was, that Duo would be unwilling to listen to him, but he desperately dismissed it. "Sou... I don't know how to start this... Aa... I know I did things wrongly. I know how things should be... but it's hard for me to make them like that. At least, just now it is. But you need to know that you have made me happy... I think...no... I know... You've done more for me than anyone else even tried to do... and... I'm more grateful to you than I can express... so... all I can do is beg you to forgive me. Just... stay here with me. I'm sorry for everything, and I know I hurt you a lot... and hurt myself... but I want to try and make things better. That is... even if I don't know how. Just stay here... please? Even though I'm still learning... I'll try and do my best. I never thought I'd be begging you... but I am. Because I guess I love you. I don't know how or why, but I know that these feelings can't be anything else but..." He found, surprisingly, that he could say it again, as though saying it the first time had freed him. "...love. If it's not... then maybe love doesn't exist." He cursed himself - that wasn't the way to go. "It has to... because that's all there is right now. So... if it's possible... we can try, right...?"
There was no response.

[And if I feel a rage...]

"Duo?" Heero questioned, his brow furrowed. "Duo, didn't you hear me?" There was still no response, and Heero frowned. "Duo... this is immature... at least reply to me." Still nothing. "Duo!" Heero felt his temper rise, and he almost stood up then. He reined it in though, remembering what this was supposed to be. If Duo refused him then... it was his choice. And Heero had already decided that he'd bow to Duo's will in this. He'd done enough damage already.
But the blank stare in Duo's eyes as he stared across at Heero chilled the Japanese boy to the bone. The glazed eyes... lax face... uncaring expression... Heero wrung his hands nervously. He didn't know what to do if Duo had already given in and let the spark inside him go out. Heero supposed that he would care for the shell of a body that Duo had left behind, feeding and looking after him, hoping that his lover would return to himself one day, but he fervently prayed that it wasn't like that yet. That he wasn't too late.
"Please... Duo... please reply... tell me what you think..." Heero couldn't keep the concern from spreading across his face. "Please... even if it's just to tell me to get out, I'll understand. Just... say something. Don't you care...? I love you..."
Duo didn't even blink.

[I won't deny it.]

Heero stared at Duo's unmoving form, worry creasing his brow. He slowly lifted himself, as to not spook the seemingly comatose boy. He moved from his chair over to the couch that Duo was sitting on and knelt down on the floor, looking up at the American.
"Duo...? Why won't you answer me...? Please answer me... I know I'm an idiot... even if I never told you... I always knew I was an idiot all the time... and I'm sorry that I made you suffer for it. I know I'm too late with all of this... but please just answer me... anything..." But there was no response.
Heero reached out and touched Duo's shoulder, and jumped back when Duo suddenly fell forward, remaining on the couch, but leaning forward. Heero blinked in surprise, and moved back to Duo, this time sitting next to his limp partner, lifting his body to a normal sitting position on the couch. Heero blinked again when he felt a cold wetness on his hand, and pulled it back to inspect it. In the darkness, it was impossible to see what it was, but it was dark on his hand. He sniffed it experimentally, and jerked his head back at the familiar metallic scent.
"Shit... Duo, you're hurt. Why didn't you tell me before? We need to treat that... at least show me where the wound is." Heero leaned forward to look for himself when Duo made no motion. "How'd you get hurt, anyway?" He checked over the American's back and blinked slowly. The dark stain was covering his lover's entire back, his clothing saturated in it. "Damn... Duo... this is really... bad..." He felt himself shudder, and tried to shake his head in silent denial. He lifted one shaking hand to brush against Duo's unnaturally cold and stiff cheek. "Du...o...?"

[I won't fear love.]

"....Duo?"

[I won't fear love.]

"Duo?"

[I won't fear love.]

"Duo!?"

[I won't fear love.]

".........DUO!!!"

[I won't fear love.]

I love you

>>>>>>>>>>>

"I do not know if God exists.
I do not know if I exist.
But I know that love exists."
-J. Watson




Fin Fumbling Towards Ecstasy