TITLE: Which way is out?

AUTHOR: Dreamcatcher

EMAIL: peacejaw@yahoo.com

RATING: PG

SPOILERS: The series itself

ARCHIVE: Fanfiction.net Only!

DISCLAIMER: ER and its characters are copyright Warner Bros. Entertainment, Amblin Television, and Michael Crichton. No infringement is intended. This original piece of fan fiction is being written for entertainment purposes only, and I am gaining no monetary compensation for it.

This is a work of fiction. All characters and places discussed are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or actual places and locations, is purely coincidental.

SUMMARY: Rachel's adjustment to Mark's death, plus some. –Part 4

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Could life get any worse? I never thought that it could, but it has… and things have gotten complicated.  It shouldn't be a surprise to me, though. After all, I am Rachel Greene… and Rachel Greene has never had an easy life! I just wish that life would settle down for a while so that I can finish putting my life together.

To begin with, Elizabeth –I can call her Lizzy now- has fallen into a deep depression. It's understandable, but it's gotten to a point where she refuses to get out of bed at all. She won't eat anything either. Because of that, Mark is being bottle-fed and Suzan has been helping out where she can… especially when I'm in school.

After Mark was born, Lizzy kept a half way decent schedule while I was in school –despite her deep depression. But now that it's winter vacation, she has gotten worse… which leaves me handling both Mark and Ella the majority of the time as well as the house chores.  Ella still goes to daycare –except on the holidays and weekends… and I'll have to watch her on Christmas Eve Day, Christmas Day, New Years Eve Day, and New Years Day. Not that I mind… but it does double the workload. Thankfully Suzan does help some, but it's not the same as me helping out when I can.

I didn't mind at first because it meant that I could spend some quality time with Mark and Ella. After a week, though, it's getting difficult to handle everything mostly on my own… especially the late night feedings. We are, however, finally getting onto a schedule. That's a blessing in itself… especially for Mark. If only Elizabeth would break through the staying in bed all the time. At least she used to cry… but now… I don't think she does… she isn't facing anything at all, which worries me.

At night when Mark and Ella are asleep, I go into Elizabeth's room and talk to her. Mostly it's during the time I know that she is awake, but I don't know if she is listening to what I say. I don't think that's the important thing right now… to me what is … is letting her hear the sound of my voice. Maybe that will bring her around.

I often tell her about our days, about Ella and Mark, about what they do, about our mail, and even some things about myself. I've told her how I've been dealing with facing daddy's cancer and his death, which hasn't been easy for me to do. When I run out of things to tell her, I just sit with her hoping that she knows that I'm here for her.

Sometimes, when I have worked up the courage, I even tell her some things in confidence… things like how I miss daddy, emotions, and even a couple of secrets –a few of which are of bad memories that I have. Mostly they are the ones I've already told the counselor or am about to…

It wasn't how I wanted to start sharing my life with her, but my counselor wants me to open up with Elizabeth… so I am working on it. It's just a shame that I don't know if she is listening to me or not. At least I know now that I can start to tell her things that I wouldn't have before.

Anyways, to top that off, mom and her jackass of a husband have been visiting me here in Chicago. They've been here since Christmas Eve… that was four days ago… and they are planning to stay here until New Years Day. I don't know how mommy got that much time off work… or why she would want to spend that much time with me. However we usually spend the mornings together so that they can tour the rest of Chicago on their own. Even though they are on vacation, they won't help out with Mark and Ella. I thought mom would be interested in helping out, but I guess not. She's almost got this look about her that is… well… I don't know, like she is pleased that Elizabeth isn't being the best mother that she can be. UGH!

Despite that, things have been semi okay between us. However, yesterday they left while they were in the middle of a huge argument. I had to kick them out because they were putting Ella and Mark in physical danger… and I refused to let it continue. So out they went.

It's left me feeling very concerned for mom's safety. I mean, mom had already taken several slaps yesterday before they left… and now they haven't shown up today like they were supposed to. Mom hasn't called either. I may not have always been able to count on mom showing up as promised, but at least she would call to let me know.

I've called their hotel room, but no one has answered. That was when I called the hotel manager and he agreed to go check on them and call me back. Unfortunately that was two hours ago and I'm still waiting for a call back. I don't think that waiting this long is a good thing, but I don't think I have a choice in the matter. Thankfully Mark is keeping me busy… he's been rather fussy today. I think he's sensing that something is wrong.

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Susan Lewis has gotten off work and has already arrived here to help out. I called her after I called the hotel manager… I didn't know what else to do. She's agreed to stay the night with us so that I don't have to face what's to come alone. I am so grateful for that! I'm also grateful that she has taken charge of Mark and Ella so that I can have some alone time.

I find it a bit surprising that Susan doesn't seem as concerned as what I am, but then again Susan isn't related to mom. I am. She's only now truly getting concerned with Elizabeth, but I guess she's had more success with Elizabeth than what I've had. I guess we'll have to wait and see though. At some point, though, we are going to have to do something about Elizabeth.

In the mean time, I've tried calling the hotel manager again, but he was involved in an extensive meeting and would return my call within the hour. I asked if he could be interrupted –considering I thought this was an emergency- but the person I was talking to said no.

Talk about frustrating! I mean, come on!! My mother has gone missing and he is in a meeting??? It better be an important meeting because he is going to get an earful when I talk to him again!

I manage to take a shower before the manager calls back. He wants me to go to the hotel immediately with my guardian. I explained my situation, but he insisted that we go. After a few moments of arguing, I give in and told them we'd be there within the hour.

I immediately dressed and told Susan, who agreed that it was time to involve Elizabeth. She then put me in charge of Mark and Ella again and told me to get them ready to go. It's no easy chore, but I agreed anyways… knowing what she was going to have to deal with.

Susan then tackles getting Elizabeth ready to go. As I move around downstairs, I can hear them moving around upstairs… and thankfully I can hear Elizabeth coming around. She's even interacting with Suzan. That is a wonderful sign!

Just as I get Ella and Mark situated, Elizabeth and Suzan come down the stairs ready to leave. Despite losing some weight, Elizabeth looks good. A surprise came when Elizabeth started up a conversation with me… she asks me directly what is going on and stuff. I quickly fill her in on what's going on… and she wavers a bit as the news sinks in.

I think she is realizing what is lying ahead for us… and the probable consequences. I can see the fear racing through her eyes, which is send waves of panic through me. What could lie ahead that is scaring Elizabeth to death? If she is scared, things must really be bad.

Susan motions for us to leave, so we gather everything up and head out the door. Susan and I take the front seats of the car so that Elizabeth could give some much-needed attention to Ella and Mark. Of course I end up watching the trio the entire trip to the hospital and wishing I had a mother that would do that for me.

When we arrive at the hospital entrance, one of the first things we notice is the fact that there cops that are around. That's really not a good sign. I mean, if there are cops around… then something has happened here and probably to mom. To top that off, the probability that the jackass of a husband is at fault is fairly high. How do I know? I've seen it enough times at County Genera and at home.

We were immediately greeted by a cop and ushered into a conference room where the manager and two cops were waiting for us.  The two cops –one a man, one a woman- were both wearing very serious faces… something that adds to my growing suspicion.

Susan is allowed into the room with us… at the insistence of Elizabeth and I both. I think Elizabeth and I knew that we were going to need all the help and support that we could get at this point. Because Mark and Ella are so young, they are allowed in the room with us. Lizzy is holding Ella –mainly because Ella wouldn't have it any other way. I insisted on holding Mark, which Susan doesn't seem to mind.

The manager immediately took control of the conversation and asked several questions about our family. After about ten minutes of questions, I insisted he explain what happened after I had called… and finally he does tell us.

That's when I got the news that I had been dreading all along: my mother is dead. To make matters worse, it was the hands of my stepfather killed her. The panic is starting to over flow, but I manage to ask about my stepfather… where was he in all this mayhem? The look that the hotel manager gave me will haunt me until the day I die.  My stepfather took the easiest way out: He shot himself in the head before hotel security could get to him.

The bastard! He has left me an orphan and has the gall to kill himself before I could confront him.  How the hell could he do that to me? I needed the chance to confront him… if nothing else to tell him off! Besides, he needed to be punished by the law. He took the coward's way out!

My life is never going to be the same! God I need a drink! And I need it now! I know that mom hasn't been a good mother, especially in the last several years, but she has always been my mother… and in my opinion, always will be. How could the asshole take that away from me? What the hell am I going to do now?

Nothing could have prepared me for what was to come next. The woman officer dropped the bombshell: I was going to be assigned a social worker until my guardianship could be finalized in court. Elizabeth told them about the guardianship that was already in place, but they wouldn't budge on the issue. Shit! With Elizabeth's deep depression lately, would I be moved out of her home? Would she force me out because I am not of her flesh and blood? God, it's bad enough that both of my parents are dead, but the possibility of me leaving the safe home that I've come to consider as my home –and have for quite some time- is even worse. Where the hell would I go? Probably a foster home because neither mom nor dad had any other family that I know of… except for Elizabeth, Mark, and Ella.

This cannot be a good sign… especially with our family history… I think what's worse is my history with Elizabeth and Ella –and Ella's overdose. I'd hope that the courts would consider how good things have been the last several months. With all the changes my family has gone through during all this time, though, who's going to believe that I'm living in a stable home? And who's going to believe that I'm turning my life around?

I am tuning out what the officer is saying and look at Elizabeth for some comfort. Fear is written all over her… a deep fear that I have never seen before.  Is she thinking the same thing I am? Has she come to consider me family and is worried about losing me? What if she is thinking about kicking me out?

God I feel like I'm losing control! I feel as though I'm falling into a deep, black hole with no way out. It's so damn dark that I cannot see my hand in front of my face… so how can I find my way out? I know I need to because I'm sensing that danger is near… the trouble is I cannot find my way out. Which way is out? Someone, please help me!

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TBC