TITLE: Finding My Way Home

AUTHOR: Dreamcatcher

EMAIL: peacejaw@yahoo.com

RATING: PG

SPOILERS: The series itself

ARCHIVE: Fanfiction.net Only!

DISCLAIMER: ER and its characters are copyright Warner Bros. Entertainment, Amblin Television, and Michael Crichton. No infringement is intended. This original piece of fan fiction is being written for entertainment purposes only, and I am gaining no monetary compensation for it.

This is a work of fiction. All characters and places discussed are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or actual places and locations, is purely coincidental.

SUMMARY: Rachel's adjustment to Mark's death, plus some. –Part 5

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Okay, where the hell am I? I know that I'm not holding Mark anymore. I also know that I'm no longer in the hotel conference room with everyone else. It's completely dark here. Fear and panic are working overtime… it's so bad that I've never had it this bad before. And that is worrisome.

All I know is that it's dark, I'm alone, and I'm lost. That is not a good combination for me. I don't like being alone in the dark for too long.  I know that if I don't get out of here soon, the nightmares will start… and right now I can't deal with my nightmares.

I can hear a voice singing softly in the distance. It's a familiar voice, but I can't identify it. Not yet anyways. I find it troubling that there is a need to go towards that voice, especially when all I want to do is stay here and die.

Oh man! I don't think I can stay here because the nightmares are starting. I know it's the one thing that will drive me over the edge –if I'm not there already. The nightmares are apart of my demons… or are they my actual demons?

It doesn't matter. They are something that I don't think I'll ever be able to make peace with. So why are they playing all around me? There is complete chaos… and the panic and fear are making them worse… especially as image after image, sound after sound, and emotion after emotion play around me.

Many of the scenes around me are related to mom's second husband –the jackass of a bastard! They include all of the abuse, the fighting, the beatings, the drinking, the drug abuse, stealing, and whatever else that he could think of. Then there is daddy, his cancer, his attempts to reach me, and his death. Then Elizabeth and Mom enter the picture… as well as the rest of the relationships I've had in the past… as well as all the mistakes I've made, like Ella overdosing. So how on earth did these things get so big that they have become my demons and monsters?

I don't know really, and despite the chaos right now I'm alone… so very alone. I never thought that I could feel so alone in my life! And to make matters worse, I think it's getting darker in here. All my walls that I've built up over the years are falling down… all of my strings are being snapped in half… everything inside of me is breaking down. Not only can I feel it inside of me, but I can see it happening around me… which is adding to the chaos.  The only way I can describe it is that the nightmares are breaking me down… wearing me out completely.

What bothers me the most right now –with the exception of the fear and panic- is that I don't know why this is happening to me. Why is it necessary for me to go through this? Why can't I deal with this in the real world?

The more I fight this, the more things happen around me. All of my buried secrets are playing out… the scenes are getting more graphic… crap like that. Basically the chaos, the trauma, and the pain are all getting worse, which is increasing the fear and panic. Where is my daddy? He's the only one that can chase away the nightmares and the bad men.

What's the point of all of this? I already know that these things are apart of me… and that I need to share them with someone… but I also know that I can't do that while I'm here. Maybe it's to break down everything so that I can … or more to the point… will actually tell someone what's been going on in my life?

Those defenses is what was keeping me going up until now. Why can't I keep them? I need them! I can't just let them go… especially not now… not with mom's death. Yet I can't stop it from happening. It just is.

Shit! I was holding Mark when all of this started. What happened to him? What is happening with me? If I'm here –which I still don't know where that is- then where is everyone else? Is Mark and Ella alright? I hope to God that they are safe. I need them to be safe.  Those are about the only things that were truly bringing me comfort these last few months. I do hope that Elizabeth and Susan are taking good care of them. I have never told them that I love them… and I am finding that I need to. Where is that coming from? I even want to tell Elizabeth how much I appreciate everything that she's done for me the last year and a half, but I cannot find my way home. Will I ever?

I'm so tired right now… and so drained. I don't think I can do anything… and all I want to do is go to sleep forever. My past keeps betraying me –it keeps playing over and over and over. When will it stop? Will it stop?

Chaos. That's always been my life –especially in the last few years. I guess that's why it's all I can see right now… that and the darkness. I came from within that darkness and I refuse to go back there. That's no way to live. How do I know that? That's exactly how I've been living the last two years… at the very least. I cannot go back there… there is no room for anything there… anything good anyways. What I want the most is love and peace… and I cannot get that living in darkness.

It's only now that I can give all that a name… anger and depression. I've been carrying a heavy load for so long that I'm not sure what it would take for me to be happy. How the hell can I be happy when I cannot have my daddy here to help chase away the monsters of my dreams… or my past? He was my anchor and my life. I knew that I could always be safe with him. He is my hero.

I think I can see a different path now… one that daddy wanted me to take. I can help Ella and Mark chase away their monsters in the dark. I guess that leaves me with one option here… wherever 'here' may be. I have to go through the chaos if I want to find any peace from it. God I'm so scared, though.  I've lived this way for so long that I don't know how to live any other way. How can I be sure that I'll make it? How can I put my life back together? What's out there for me?

I guess that's what scaring me the most … that nothing in life is a guarantee. Whatever is waiting on the other side of the chaos has to be better than this. This I know, but I don't know why. God I have enough fears to last anyone for a lifetime.

I know I cannot stay here… there is no point to it. This is no life… and what's surprising me is that I actually want my life back… I want to see Mark and Ella grow up the way daddy isn't able to. I just hope that I will be able to.

That singing is coming through to me again. It's closer than what it was, but it's still a soft singing… it's a lullaby. I don't know which one, though. Why do I know that voice? I want so much to go to that voice because I know that it's a wonderful source of comfort. Why do I know this, though? It's almost as if… no it couldn't be… but it's almost as if it is daddy that is singing… and from the other side of the chaos.

But it couldn't be, could it? Daddy is dead… he's not supposed to be here. Is that why I still feel the need to go through the chaos and face whatever lies ahead? I don't understand this… does this mean that daddy is always looking out for me? Does this mean that there is life after death? God this is so complicated! But yet it's bringing me a source of peace that I didn't know existed within me.

There is another reason why I need to go through this chaos… the promise that I made to daddy before he died. I know I promised that I would get my life together and to deal with everything that comes along. The only way I can do that is to face my past and then look forward to the future.

And to do that, I must start from the beginning. Although the fear and panic are still gripping me very tightly, I say a prayer for courage and I wish that my daddy were here with me. Then I start my long and trying journey through the chaos, pain, and trauma of my past.

With each step, I watch the world around me and pray a simple prayer that I'll come to know: Thank you for that step, now please help me with the next.  Every few steps I remind myself to breathe… as if my life depended on it.

During the journey, none of the images or scenes are nothing knew to me. The first ones are of my youngest childhood… the ones I can remember when I was apart of a whole family. These are the easiest to deal with… even though some are a disappointment. I know that I must continue to face my past… so I look at what's next. There are still scenes from my childhood, but from when I was a bit older. Moms move to Saint Louis… my parent's divorce… grandpa's death… these leave me in distress. No one in my life, though, can see that… and I was in distress even back then. Despite being painful, they aren't devastating… not like what's about to come up.

I don't want to go on, but I force myself to anyways. Mom and daddy are both dating other people now… and now comes the horrible part… mom's second husband. Even then he was horrible to me, but mom never noticed. How could she when she was spending so much time working? When she is around, he treats me like an angel… but the moment she's gone… look out. The verbal bullshit he put me through… all the degrading crap… and it worked too. He meant for me to feel ugly about myself and to turn me against my own mother. Then he started lusting after me. The asshole. And mom was a bitch too. How could she not know what was going on under her nose? It took the creep quite awhile before he even attempted to lay his hands on me, but I could always feel his eyes on me. He got away with raping me once… and only once. Two days later I was almost always out of the house… and started my bullshit around Saint Louis… which ultimately brought me to Chicago.

That's pretty much my teenage years so far, with the exception of daddy's cancer… and I find myself facing his cancer… Ella's overdose…me sleeping around with older men… daddy and Elizabeth's separation… daddy's cancer again… Elizabeth moving home… and daddy's final time on earth spent trying to reach me. God I was such a loser for waiting for so long to say goodbye to him… and to let him know that he made a connection with me - more than one connection actually.

As I get closer to the other side of the chaos, I sense that the singing is closer than ever… and I become even more certain that it is daddy who is singing my favorite lullaby. I also sense his presence nearby… urging me forward even when I don't want to go… or can't. I realize now that I can finish this part of the journey, so I do what I must and face the rest of the scenes playing out before me.

Returning to Saint Louis was a mistake, but mom saw that… thankfully. The struggles of the last several months … the grief… the pain… the excitement… Elizabeth's hormones… all play out. Then the final scene plays out before me… the scene of mom and my stepfather's death. For several moments I am unable to move beyond this point, but daddy urges me to continue… that it will be all right.

Daddy always knew what was best for me… so I continue through the pain. As I pass through it, I realize that I can see daddy sitting in a rocking chair holding out his arms to me. I immediately rush forward and collapse into his waiting arms. I cry myself out before I manage to fall asleep… and I stay that way for the longest time.

As I awaken from sleeping, I realize that daddy is singing my favorite lullaby. Has he been singing it the whole time? I also realize that I feel so safe here… and so at peace. That's when I realize that I don't want to leave.

He seems to know this and tells me that he will always be with me… and that I can tell him anything that I need to anytime I want to. This brings some comfort to me. He also informs me that I can trust Elizabeth with my past… she won't be judgmental with me… and that yes, she was listening to me when I talked with her during her deep depression.

We talk for quite awhile after that. We talk about everything and anything. He mostly listens to what I have to say… and asks questions when they need to be asked. He even asks about Elizabeth, Ella, and Mark despite already knowing the answers.

Finally it's time to say goodbye… until we can meet again. He reminds me that this isn't forever… something I was thinking about at that exact moment. He reminds me to keep my promise to him… and I end up making a new promise to him… to take care of Ella and Mark as long as I can.

I must choose my own path now and I see the one that I know I need to take. It doesn't look like an easy road to follow, but I know I need to follow it anyways. I realize the first step involves me going back home.

I find myself in a hospital room with Elizabeth asleep in a chair next to me. I question myself as to why I'm here, so I call out to Elizabeth –who immediately is at my bedside. She quickly checks me over and calls for a nurse, who comes in with another I.V. bag for fluids.  The nurse tells Elizabeth that she'll call my therapist and let her know that I'm awake… and to expect her at some point today.

Elizabeth nods, and then turns her attention back to me. She explains why I am in the hospital… the fact that I blacked out at the hotel and rushed to the hospital is something else. She also explains that I've been here a week already… and probably will be here for another few days for observation.  Elizabeth goes on to explain the official investigation of mom's death… and the fact that I probably won't have to worry about the social worker and the court stuff. Since mom and Elizabeth already had an agreement worked out, the adoption procedure shouldn't take too long to do. Thank God for small miracles!

She asks if I remember anything about the time I was out of it… and I want to tell her so badly. Before I do, though, I ask about Mark and Ella… and Elizabeth tells me that they are safe and with Susan and are back at home resting. Susan and the rest of the E.R. staff keeps asking about me… so I tell Elizabeth to pass on the message that I'm doing much better. She agrees… but then asks me again about what I remember… and I tell her about everything that I saw happen… and about my past.

As she listens, I can tell that she is actually listening to what I have to say… and cries whenever I cry… and even some when I don't. I feel as though I've gained a new mother… and a wonderful friend… one that will do anything to protect me.  She seems to understand me better now… and understands why I put her and daddy through so much turmoil over the last year or two. I suspect that I've opened a gateway to her past as well… because she's starting to open up with me more… and we are both able to make quite a few connections.

Then my therapist finally arrives and we finally discuss therapy options mainly because it's obvious to the both of us that we need family counseling. She agrees to the fact that I can stay with the counselor I have… and she asks for a recommendation from my counselor for herself. What's surprising about this is that my counselor agreed to take on Elizabeth as well… since there are three children involved in the unusual circumstances.

We are starting to put our family pieces back together… and I know that I've found my way home once more. I know I'm safe once more… but know that there are many more challenges waiting for me back in school and the real world.

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TBC