TITLE: Healing Memories
AUTHOR: Dreamcatcher
EMAIL: peacejaw@yahoo.com
RATING: PG
SPOILERS: The series itself
ARCHIVE: Fanfiction.net Only!
DISCLAIMER: ER and its characters are copyright Warner Bros. Entertainment, Amblin Television, and Michael Crichton. No infringement is intended. This original piece of fan fiction is being written for entertainment purposes only, and I am gaining no monetary compensation for it.
This is a work of fiction. All characters and places discussed are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or actual places and locations, is purely coincidental.
SUMMARY: How does Rachel move on with her life? -part 6
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It's been three and a half months since my breakdown and things are still a bit rocky for me. Initially things were going fairly smoothly, though. I spent several days in intensive in-patient therapy so that I work on a lot of the issues that caused me to have the breakdown in the first place. In the weeks to follow, I endured the intensive outpatient therapy so that I could return to school. In the last two weeks, though, I have been able to go back to my normal counseling session and group with the understanding that I must continue to go for quite some time.
Elizabeth is hanging in there. She is still fighting some depression, but the wonderful thing is that Elizabeth is fighting back. She's returned to work part-time… something that I think is doing the most good for her. If she keeps doing well, she will be able to return to full-time work sometime in June… with the understanding that she also remains in counseling for the time being.
I do think that having the social worker in our lives has been keeping us on our toes… something I quite frankly think is what was necessary for Elizabeth to start fighting her depression. If things keep going quite well for us, the social worker will start leaving us alone sometime this summer. We have made it through the final stages of the adoption procedures and we are now able to start to move on with our lives as a family. One of the conditions to that, though, was that we will have to summit progress reports from work, school, and our counselor to ensure that things remain on good standing with the courts.
I'm not entirely sure why the judge would want something like that if is okaying the adoption, but my suspicion is that he wants to ensure the emotional well-being of Elizabeth and our family. To me, that sounds like a good judge to have on our side. At least the judge has allowed me to stay with the only family that I have -Elizabeth, Ella, and Mark.
Thank God my prayers were answered in relations to me staying where I am. I don't think going into foster care would have helped me at all. Because things are starting to look better, I want to make the most of the circumstances and actually make something of myself. I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to accomplish that, but in time I know that I will.
Going through the counseling, though, sure has been an experience. Elizabeth and I go to a family counseling session once a month -something we attend together… and I'll be the first to tell you that I've been learning a great deal about myself as well as Elizabeth. That's something I don't think would have happened at this point had it not been for the counseling sessions.
One of the remarkable things that I learned is that Elizabeth still has issues surround Ella's OD. I know that I really should not be surprised at this, but quite frankly I thought we had started to move past it. After all she has been entrusting me with Mark and Ella for quite some time now… why would she if she still had issues? I think that Elizabeth wanted me to make a mistake… to fail once again… so that she could actually kick me out of the house. When my mom was killed, though, Elizabeth became terribly conflicted with herself. She wanted to hate me for what I did to her child, yet she was very worried and concerned that I would be removed from her home. Apparently she has started to consider me family despite the issues. Talk about a learning experience.
I do know, though, that we both still have a lot of unresolved issues with daddy and his death. Who doesn't when someone they love dies? Besides, it hasn't even been a year since daddy's death and so not enough time has passed to even let us think that we can actually start to really be happy again. The one-year mark, though, is coming up soon and it's a shame that we cannot go back to Hawaii this year. I would have loved to show Elizabeth around the way daddy did with me… and maybe even make some small connections with her as well. Maybe one day we will, but not quite yet.
Besides, I'd like to reconnect with the guy I was hanging around with last year. We had a lot in common -his family was just as messed up as mine… and we were able to talk about quite a few things. He even made me feel… well… special without having to sleep with him. I'm glad to know that there are real men out there who do respect women.
In the meantime, though, our counselor has been putting Elizabeth and I to work. She's suggested that Elizabeth and I write a memory journal to Mark and Ella about daddy… sharing our memories, experiences, and lessons we have learned along the way. Elizabeth and I get to write separately to Mark and Ella… giving them two different perspectives about daddy. I hope it is worth it.
I do think it's a lot of work, but at least we have a computer so that I can type up my journals. It'll be a different experience, but I've heard that it does wonders. It will be a long term project, though, because I've got a lot of memories and experiences stored up in the ole brain of mine. I suspect that I'll also be putting in the family history that daddy taught me before he died. I know that daddy will be proud that I did.
When I was in the hospital yet, my counselor started me writing in a journal just for myself. She wanted me to have a way to have a daily release from the stress and pain from living from day to day. Talk about a lot of work! Needless to say the notebooks in my room have started to pile up since it's the easiest way for me to take with me wherever I go. Oh wells. I know they have been a big help in my life.
I guess that one of the good things that has come out of my breakdown is that some of the pain and trauma in my life is starting to heal. My counselor thinks that given enough time and given the chance to, they will become old scars… scars that are closed and healed, but remain visible to me so that they serve as a reminder of what I've been able to get through in my life.
I asked her how she knows this… knowing that dealing with the rape and abuse at the hands of my stepfather is going to be very difficult to deal with. She gave me the response of a lifetime: She had been raped and abused by her stepfather for five years before she could stand up for herself.
God, what in the hell has the world come to? I would have never guessed all that, but after thinking about some of it… it does make some sense. She has been able to understand me right from the beginning… and not everyone is able to do that. Thankfully she is able to! Still, it is a shock to know she has made it through hell and back.
How is she able to be so at peace with herself despite her past? How can she be so put together? How is it possible for her not to be awaken by the nightmares every night? How can she have dealt with the issues and be able to move past them?
I have so many questions for her that we have spent several sessions on them… with many more to go. The counselor, thankfully, knows that I want honest to God answers because she knows that I am looking for a way to deal with the very same issues. I am sensing that I am getting those honest answers… and it's a good thing too because I still have a long list of questions for her.
One of the things that she has said about it is that she has been able to openly talk to others who are able to understand her and her past… people like some friends and certain family members as well as going to a therapy group that was designed to deal with the same issues. When I'm ready to, I will have a choice about going to such a group… but I know that I am not quite ready for that; at least not yet.
I also know that I would be dead now had it not been for Elizabeth, Suzan, Ella & Mark, John Carter, and my counselor. I don't think that counselors are given enough thank you 's during their careers, so I make it a point to let mine know at least once a month. She seems to take them in stride… that is a good thing.
John Carter called me the other day… something that he does every week. This time, though, he wondered if I would do him a favor. Next month he is setting up a thing at my school where those who have had to face their drug addictions will be able to have a place to go for support and what not. He is wanting me to go for the first several meetings to help set it up and to get it rolling. I'm not exactly too keen on the idea, but Elizabeth is encouraging me to help out… so I am. The first meeting at the school will be on the worst day every -in my opinion at least. It will be on the anniversary of daddy's death. Oh wells, it should give me something to look forward to besides pain and grief.
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TBC