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The Twelve Things I Never Said

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Circa 2019...

The youth watched from a respectful distance waiting to be acknowledged. Years spent studying the man told him his father was not even here. He was in another time, another place. Just like the Gate Room. The young man sighed, brushing long dark hair from his eyes.

"You should just tie it back, Neil."

"Sorry, Dad. I didn't mean to disturb you."

"Just thinking. Are they here yet?"

Daniel turned and for one moment, the boy saw the man his father had been. Saw the room flashback to a time when it's walls were filled with books and the strange trappings of many peoples and many times, hung on the walls. When his eyes shone with the bright blue of a summer sky instead of the haunted smoky depths he'd become used to over his life. Golden brown hair framing a laughing face in place of the quiet man he now knew so well. Then the vision faded away leaving only the father with an amused grin flitting across his face.

"Uh, yeah. Just pulled up. You sure about this?"

"Yes, very sure."

Neil had to try one more time to reason with his father. "You would be more comfortable at home, surrounded by family. I could have your things sent..." Warm, brown eyes pleaded, 'Just this once, listen to me.'

"I am home, son."

"A lot has changed, Dad. It's been twenty years."

"So you keep telling me." Daniel gave his son a brief hug, but this conversation was over. He was home...back on Earth. He tossed his pack on the floor and began to roll up the sleeves of his tunic.

Giving up, Neil Jackson stalked from the room to greet the movers, his upset as always, short lived. By the time he had reached the men the sardonic grin was firmly in place. He had the graceful flowing movements of his mother, the bronzed tones of her people, with only his height to be attributed to his father, all six feet of him. But it was not his physical features that so endeared the youth to his heart. It was his keen wit, sarcastic comebacks, and loving nature. Dressed in jeans and light T-shirt, he acted so much like his namesake...Jack. So very much.

Well, time to get to work. He might be 'gettin on in years' as his son liked to say, but there was life left in this old man yet. At fifty-five he still had the body of a forty year old. The only thing missing was his hair. And what was left...well that had turned grey within five years of moving to Abydos. The deliverymen coughed, and Daniel shook off his wayward thoughts, proceeding to direct traffic for the next three hours.

~~~

"Oh lord, am I glad that's over! I've got to run some errands then I'll be back later tonight. You need me to get anything before I run off, Dad?"

"You know what I want?" Daniel looked up from the box he was currently 'excavating', an expression of remembered bliss on his face.

"What?" Ice cream? Chocolate? Donuts? This planet was just full of the interesting things to eat and Neil planned to try them all. And if it had sugar, so much the better.

"I want one *very* large cup of coffee." Daniel purred the word like some sort of personal mantra, a beacon of light in a storm tossed sea.

Laughing, Neil grabbed his keys. "I'll run down to the 7-11. I'm sure they'll have some."

"Hey! And grab some sandwiches while you're at it."

"Sure thing, Dad. Be right back."

Daniel picked up the ever-growing pile of personal items next to his leg and headed off toward his new bedroom. The apartment was nice in a sterile sort of way. Functional. Covered the basics, living room, kitchen, bedroom, and bath. It's not as if he would be entertaining that much, just Neil and maybe Sam or Teal'c once in while. After all, they were still around. It would be good to see them again. Sam was retired now, but Teal'c...he was still happily traipsing about the Universe. Commanded his own team in fact. And after Neil finished his stint with the Air Force Academy, he'd be working with the SGC.

'Following in his father's footsteps. Well, not mine, Jack's.' Neil had the heart of a warrior and had wanted to go to Earth for as long as Daniel could remember. Wanted to be out among the stars, exploring, protecting, living. Going so far as to drag Teal'c off to the training rings on the infrequent visits the Jaffa had made to Abydos. As king for books from Sam so that he would be prepared for college. This is what Neil lived and breathed for and Daniel could only teach the active young man so much. It was time to bring him to Colorado Springs. Without Sha're's presence, well there was nothing to hold him to the arid desert lands any longer. Yes, time to go home.

So caught up in his thoughts, Daniel tripped over a carton sending the items in his hands flying. "Great, just great." It wasn't enough that the apartment was littered with cardboard, but he had to add to the mess. Irritated, he ended up kicking a small shoe box that fell open spilling its contents all over the floor. Paper, odds and ends, and a single yellowed photograph scattered over the carpet.

Shaking, Daniel reached for the box. It had been Jack's. Thought lost with everything else from Jack's house. Daniel found it hidden it in the furthest corner of his closet. Somehow he never found the nerve to open it after his death. Just left it behind with all the other memories he wanted to forget.

And now, twenty years later, the wound was still as fresh and raw as the day he found Jack's body. He didn't want to know what was in here. It was enough that it *was* Jack's. A piece of him. His handwriting on the aging pages. Things that were important to *him*. Even after years of being locked away in climate controlled storage, the spicy scent of his cologne still clung to the box. In that moment, Daniel felt closer to Jack than he had in a long time. The way he did when Jack was alive. He could almost feel the warmth of Jack's arms around him. His lips against his.

"Is that him?"

Startled, Daniel fell back on his haunches, his hold loosening on the box once more. "Wha...What?"

"Sorry. The picture...." Neil plucked it up effortlessly handing his father his coffee in the process. "Colonel O'Neill?"

"Yes."

"You look...happy. Good day?" Neil handed the picture back.

Snorting, Daniel let the memories wash over him. "I looked like I was hit by a truck! I, um, was trapped on a planet, wounded and half out of my mind when Jack found me. After I got home, Janet had me on pain killers that made me, well, er, *happy*. And Jack volunteered to play nursemaid. For four solid weeks. Sam captured the whole thing in pictures."

"Ah, blackmail." Neil leered as he sorted through some of the other things on the floor.

"Um, Neil. Just leave it. I'll get it. You have things to do. Remember? Air Force Academy? Plane ride tomorrow?"

"Uh, Dad? What's this?"

Too late. Oh well, the best laid plans of mice and men. Daniel cringed afraid of what his son might be holding now. This little trip down memory lane was not exactly his idea of a fun.

In his palm nestled a small silver chain.

'Oh no, no, no, no, no.' The coffee fell from nerveless fingers, hitting the carpet with barely a noise. Daniel never noticed, his brain finally 'seeing' what had been in front of him all along. Three years. Three years of his life. Of Jack's life. Of their life, together. "I can't do this, Neil. Just put it away."

"Dad?"

"Just put it in the box!" Trying to distract his raging emotions, Daniel righted his coffee, dabbing at the minor spill with an old T-shirt. It could have been worse. The lid could have come off. "Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell."

"Hey, it's okay. He was your best friend. I understand."

No, he didn't understand! How could he!? Fire flashed in Daniel's eyes before slowly fading away. It was not Neil's fault. "Yeah..."

"Um....Dad?"

"What?"

"I..uh...I...ah...think you should read this. It's addressed to you." Neil keep his eyes glued to the floor, his face flaming as he handed the paper to his father. "And I think you really *need* to read it. I'm just gonna...go...do... something."

"Neil..."

"I know, I love you too. I'll be back later tonight."

"Thank you." Daniel squeezed his son's hand tight.

"No problem....Pops." One last cheeky grin and the young man disappeared.

~~~

That damn box sat in the middle of his bed while he finished cleaning up the rest of the room. The furniture polished, all traces of dust and grime, gone. The clothes, freshly laundered, folded and put away. The boxes broken down and tossed into the other room. All the while, the innocent little piece of cardboard tortured him with its presence. He stopped several times, sitting on the bed, his hand fluttering over the lid before jumping back up to pace the room and clean some more.

He had to stop this. It was just a box for god's sake. Just bits and pieces of the past. 'Just gonna hurt like hell.'

Daniel lifted the lid.

'See, Danny Boy, the world didn't end.' So nice of his conscious to use Jack's voice over the years. Or when he needed a good smacking around. Breathing a sigh of relief, Daniel pulled out photo first. He'd left out a few very important details. Like the fact that the thought of Jack playing nursemaid still sent him into stitches.

'You *had* to be there, Neil.'

Jack, too deliriously happy to have Daniel back, tripping over things because he couldn't keep his eyes anywhere but on Daniel. Daniel trying to walk and several times they both ended up on the floor. The stolen kisses. The feather light touches. The sponge baths where they both ended up soaked and well, needing yet another bath. Especially toward the end of his convalescence.

He put the photo to the side, lifting the aged letter out next. He had no idea what this was, but Neil said it was addressed to him. Something Jack never mailed? The words were nothing more than a spidery blur. Between the shaking of his hands and the water flooding his eyes Daniel was never going to be able to read the damn thing. Several steadying breaths later, his body stilled and the words began to make sense.

Hey ya, Daniel.

(Hey, Jack.)

I guess if you are reading this I'm no longer around.

(No shit.)

I know you've seen this box a time or two, but I want you to understand what it means to me. What everything in it means. I hope that in our life together I finally managed to tell you myself, but just in case, this is my back up.

(Oh, Jack...)

The Things I Never Said (or said Enough).

1. You are my life. Everything that was ever good and decent about me was because of you.

2. You saved me, Daniel. Saved me from myself. Gave me my life back.

3. You showed me what it really meant to love and be loved. And it isn't measured in 'things' but in how much you give of yourself.

4. I belong to you. Always have, always will.

5. I've never met anyone who gave me trust the way you do. It was always there, even from the beginning.

6. And I always did love how your eyes would just light up at the smallest thing. Like when I took you out to dinner one night for no reason.

7. How you never took us for granted. Always questioning, reminding, doing. Thank you for that.

8. And did I ever tell you how much I admired your intelligence? Yeah, you were 'way smarte'r than me, but it was one of the first things I loved about you.

9. Can't forget your courage. I've never met anyone who could stomach half the shit you do on the job and still stay sane, all without training. You are one brave man.

10. Happiness is found in a box of Chocolate pudding. You make me do the craziest things.

11. I love you, Daniel Jackson. I know I've said that before, but not nearly enough. So I'm saying it again.

12. Finally, I'm sorry. Sorry for a lot of things. For the times *I* didn't trust you. Or for not letting you take things at your own pace. Pushing when I should have pulled back. And I'm sorry you have to read this instead of hearing it from me yourself. I should have told you long ago, I just didn't know how.

Awe hell, Daniel. I'm no good at this mushy stuff. I know there's more. I'll just add them later.

Always,

Jack

~~~

Daniel folded the note, placing it back in the box. Now he knew why he'd never opened this box. Somehow it had never been the right time or it hurt too much. Filled with too many reminders of the past. The picture. A piece of fabric torn from his old robes. A length of chain from a set of old nipple clamps. Jack's sunglasses. A child's drawing saved from one of their missions, among other things. And concealed on the bottom loving wrapped in cotton cloth...a set of tags...the missing one from the set he had given Jack as a joke and one Jack had made himself. Property of Daniel Jackson, Property of Jack O'Neill, side by side.

'Oh god.'

Each a bread crumb into the private thoughts of a man once known as Colonel Jack O'Neill, his former lover, former lifemate. All the old memories came crashing down. The nights they fell asleep holding each other, loving each other. The dangers they faced side by side every time they walked through the Stargate. The fights. The laughter. Cradling Jack as he slept off the effects of yet another attack of some bug. Jack doing the same for him. The games they played with their hands when they thought no one was looking under the table in the mess hall. The silent touches of comfort and the erotic darting caresses designed to tease.

Tears poured down his face as Daniel put the last of the memorabilia away. He tucked the box safely in the farthest corner of his closet shelf. These were memories of a time best left alone. It would never be a good time to take them out to play. It hurt too much.

'I never meant to make you sad, Daniel. I just wanted to leave you a piece of me.'

'I'd of rather had you, Jack.'

~~~

The End