TITLE: The Color of Courage
AUTHOR: Dreamcatcher
EMAIL: peacejaw@yahoo.com
RATING: PG
SPOILERS: The series itself
ARCHIVE: Fanfiction.net Only!
DISCLAIMER: ER and its characters are copyright Warner Bros. Entertainment, Amblin Television, and Michael Crichton. No infringement is intended. This original piece of fan fiction is being written for entertainment purposes only, and I am gaining no monetary compensation for it.
This is a work of fiction. All characters and places discussed are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or actual places and locations, is purely coincidental.
SUMMARY: Rachel's adjustment to Mark's death –Part 9
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I'm forty-five and I'm dying. Just what I needed to deal with! It's just one more thing that I have to face in my troubled life. What's next, hell?
Shortly after giving birth to my daughter eight years ago, I was diagnosed with a rare form of Leukemia. Ever since then, I've been fighting the disease with everything that I've got. Last month, though, it was determined that all efforts to save my life were no longer effective… that it was time to put my affairs in order.
I'll be the first one to tell you that it's not a great thing to know that your actually dying… let alone knowing how you are actually going to die. It's also not a pleasant thing to know that your family and friends have to watch you die. Now I know how daddy felt when he was dying. Knowing that, it's truly amazing that daddy took the time to reach me… to really reach me. I'm actually grateful that he did –especially knowing that I wouldn't have survived my teen years had he not intervened.
Even after all this time, daddy has given me the courage to face what's happening and to prepare my family for what's to come. Nothing about this disease has been easy, but trying to prepare my children for the inevitable has been one of the hardest things that I've had to do. For daddy, it must have been pure hell to know that he was dying and I was in that destructive rut that I was in.
I also know that I have a wonderful family to help me through the time I have left. Ky, my husband, has been a big help with the children. It's still a miracle in itself, but they have been a blessing in my life. I have three of my own children now. Kyle Maurice, Zachary Allen, and Laura Elizabeth have grown accustomed to the disease and know enough of the world that I'm in the process of dying. Thankfully Mark and Ella will help out with the children.
I'm so proud of my family –especially Mark and Ella. They have made something of their lives despite their troubled past. Mark is apart of the Navel Seal Team while Ella has become a surgeon like her mother. Both live on the mainland of the States –Ella being in Chicago while Mark's home base is in the D.C. area.
I also know that daddy and Elizabeth would be proud of Mark and Ella… especially with all the accomplishments the two have done. They really have learned from their pasts and moved on with their lives. Knowing that there is something after our death has helped us grow into a close-knit family.
One tradition that I'm following is writing letters to my family –which is to be given to them on special occasions. Daddy did that with Ella and I… and it's something that we have greatly cherished over the years.
Anyways it's only been a month since it was determined that I'm actually dying and I've already been admitted to the local hospice program. Over the years, Ky and I bought the property that daddy died on and turned it into a retreat where people with a terminal illness can go to and die with dignity. It's set up with the local hospice program and is a place that allows the patients and their families to go to … and maybe find some peace. I still find that it's wonderful tribute to daddy… as this is the place where he wanted to die. Now it's my turn to die here.
There isn't that much time left for me and I let it be known that I want to be buried in Chicago near my father. Ky seems to understand this, thankfully. I also let Ky know that when the time is right, I want him to move on with his life. It will be a difficult process for him to do, but I know that it's the right thing to do.
Death is knocking at my door. I can feel it in my bones. I also know this because I've been sleeping a great deal lately. Being a doctor, I know that my body is shutting down. It's not a pleasant feeling, but I don't try to hold on to the physical world anymore. There is no point in doing so. I love my family, but I'm at a point where I've accepted that it's time to go.
Since I've already said my goodbyes, I know when I let my body go. That's when I find myself in my daddy's arms for the last time… and he escorts me to Heaven. I know that I'm safe once again. Fate, it seems, found an angel in my father.
Despite that, though, life goes on.
And I've moved on to a better place.
Know that I'm finally at peace and that I'm at home now.
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The End!
August, 2002 –Updated September, 2002