Title: Sparks 3/?
Author: Emily (check out my site collective at: http://destined.to/blinded )
Category: Buffy/Angel, Angel POV
Rating: PG 13
Summary: Angel realises what he always knew.
Timeline/Spoilers: Spoilers for season 3 of Angel in a vague way. Set sometime in the future, Angel's human, a few years on from the current seasons. You can find parts one and two at fanfiction.net if you haven't read it.
Disclaimer: If they were mine then I wouldn't even have to write this story. Blame Joss/Marti/Zombies or whoever you want for the C/A of AtS last season. Me, I wouldn't have put that on TV *g*.
Feedback: I'm a feedback ho. Yes. Pipergal33@yahoo.co.uk
Distribution: Fanfiction.net, B/A lists, Blinded by the Light if I ever put my fic up instead of using links to ffnet. Anywhere else that wants to archive just let me know where it's going up and take the other parts too.
Dedication: To Paris for the feedback - and then for the mucho bitching over what's happened recently on the shows, 'cause that was fun :D. Drop me a line sometime, chica and I hope you enjoy this part :)
AN: Yes I want to know what you think, if you liked, what you'd like to see happen next (and I promise I'll listen even if I don't do it ;) ) and how you'd like it to turn out. I don't know if this fic will have a happy ending like Sweet Misery will. At the moment I'm leaning towards misery and angst.
~~**Sparks**~~
Part 3
I open the car door and that's a start. Then I close it. I really don't know what I'm going to say or what the point to this is. I need to see her. But Buffy, Buffy probably doesn't want to see me and I don't blame her. I open the door again, decisively and step out the car.
It's a pretty neighbourhood. You'd never know you were in LA until you drive back on to the freeway. The house is small and shaded by a couple of trees. Two storeys. There are flowers twining wistfully up the south facing wall. White, delicate and a few fallen petals are on the ground. I bend down and pick a couple of them up. They're a little wilted but still pure white. All of a sudden this sadness creeps over me. I can't explain it but there's something about this place that touches me deep within. Maybe it's because she's here, she made this and it's beautiful and yet infinitely sad. I wonder if she's the same way.
There's a sound behind me and the door opens.
" What are you doing here?" The words are soft. Questioning not exactly accusing.
I look up and she's right there. The petals slip from my fingers to rest quietly upon the ground. There's a wariness in her eyes and the accusation she doesn't show in her is voice nestled there too. Her hair is swept back off her shoulders but still long and golden like the last time I saw her and she's just wearing jeans and a pale white tank top that shows a little of her tanned belly.
" Angel?" Buffy questions again.
" Buffy" I say and her lips curve in a faint smile. Not a smile of joy or happiness. Nothing like that. It's almost bitter.
" What are you doing here?" She repeats, the smile fading and anger coming into her eyes.
" I needed to see you."
" Why..." She starts to say and stops. " It doesn't matter why. I don't need to see you, Angel. I haven't needed to see you in the longest time." Buffy states, her words level and her voice almost emotionless.
They cut deep. Deeper than I'd thought possible. And words like that, I never knew Buffy was capable of words like that. I don't bother to try and hide that it hurts. We've known each other too long for that. The longest time. And deeper still.
She lowers her gaze a little after looking at me for a few seconds with those clear relentless eyes. Her teeth scrape across her bottom lip and that's the only sign I have that she feels anything.
" Can I come in?"
Buffy shrugs. " You don't have to ask anymore, do you? If you want." She says and holds the door open as I follow her in.
She leads me into the kitchen and sits down at the table, folding her arms across her chest.
" What is it?"
" I wanted to see you again."
" You've seen. You saw me that other time too. You've seen it *all* before, Angel. Why did you have to come here?" She demands.
" That other time...where is she?"
" She?" Buffy looks puzzled.
" Your daughter."
And then she laughs. It's like her smile, bitter. " Not my daughter. Sophy is Anya and Xander's. I was just showing her some of LA"
" Oh" I say, feeling a strange kind of relief wash over me.
" You came to check if she was mine?" Buffy asks slowly. " She's not. I'm not married or in a relationship. I live in a house by myself. Alone. Happy?"
" Buffy that doesn't make me happy." I tell her, shocked at these words. " I didn't come here to see that you weren't or that you were. I...I want you to be happy."
" So you barge into my life? What you said, those years ago in LA when I came to see you, you were right. We don't live in each others worlds. We may both live in LA but your world - " She shakes her head. " It's nothing like mine. They haven't been the same for years and you turning up won't make them."
And that, that's true. Much as I want it not to be, it's true. I love her but Buffy's moved on. Every word that cuts me tells me exactly how she's moved on. How ironic that I imagined I had moved on. Someday I'll have to ask her how she did it. Someday when she doesn't hate me.
I nod slowly. " You're right. Can we just talk?"
" About what? Us? You? Cordelia?"
I look at her in surprise. " How do you know about Cordelia?"
" Anya sometimes talks to Cordelia. I talk to Anya. I asked her about you."
And maybe she cared back then. She must have cared then. She asked about me. Me...I never asked about her. I tried not to think about her, to forget. Move the hell on.
And didn't that work out well?
" It was just a thing. I thought I loved her." I say, like saying that will make anything at all right.
" Spare me the details." She mutters.
" What about you?"
" You're asking about me now? In the sense that you actually care? I fucked Spike. He fell in love with me and I screwed him over. In all the senses of the word." Buffy tells me, not looking away this time. Her eyes are relentless on mine but not as cold before and her lips, her lips tremble once before she purses them together.
Buffy. My Buffy, with *Spike*. It's too much to be real. I can't say anything. And yet, I can't help but wonder if at the time when I've been wrapped in the arms of Cordelia, if then it would have mattered like it matters now. Or if it would have been a short sharp shock and then nothing because I had Cordelia who was beautiful and sweet and funny and what fucking else was there?
" Does it hurt?" She asks suddenly. Still looking at me.
" It hurts."
She nods a little, not looking satisfied or happy or proud or even bitter. I don't recognise the look but it's raw.
" Did it hurt for you before?" I ask. Just a little from her. Just to know that I mattered. That once I mattered, once long ago before I fucked everything up. Just a little.
" It does. It hurts." She says and the words are honest even if her eyes aren't meeting mine anymore.
* * *
tbc...and yeah definitely this time :) I'll love you forever if you feedback - pipergal33@yahoo.co.uk
Author: Emily (check out my site collective at: http://destined.to/blinded )
Category: Buffy/Angel, Angel POV
Rating: PG 13
Summary: Angel realises what he always knew.
Timeline/Spoilers: Spoilers for season 3 of Angel in a vague way. Set sometime in the future, Angel's human, a few years on from the current seasons. You can find parts one and two at fanfiction.net if you haven't read it.
Disclaimer: If they were mine then I wouldn't even have to write this story. Blame Joss/Marti/Zombies or whoever you want for the C/A of AtS last season. Me, I wouldn't have put that on TV *g*.
Feedback: I'm a feedback ho. Yes. Pipergal33@yahoo.co.uk
Distribution: Fanfiction.net, B/A lists, Blinded by the Light if I ever put my fic up instead of using links to ffnet. Anywhere else that wants to archive just let me know where it's going up and take the other parts too.
Dedication: To Paris for the feedback - and then for the mucho bitching over what's happened recently on the shows, 'cause that was fun :D. Drop me a line sometime, chica and I hope you enjoy this part :)
AN: Yes I want to know what you think, if you liked, what you'd like to see happen next (and I promise I'll listen even if I don't do it ;) ) and how you'd like it to turn out. I don't know if this fic will have a happy ending like Sweet Misery will. At the moment I'm leaning towards misery and angst.
~~**Sparks**~~
Part 3
I open the car door and that's a start. Then I close it. I really don't know what I'm going to say or what the point to this is. I need to see her. But Buffy, Buffy probably doesn't want to see me and I don't blame her. I open the door again, decisively and step out the car.
It's a pretty neighbourhood. You'd never know you were in LA until you drive back on to the freeway. The house is small and shaded by a couple of trees. Two storeys. There are flowers twining wistfully up the south facing wall. White, delicate and a few fallen petals are on the ground. I bend down and pick a couple of them up. They're a little wilted but still pure white. All of a sudden this sadness creeps over me. I can't explain it but there's something about this place that touches me deep within. Maybe it's because she's here, she made this and it's beautiful and yet infinitely sad. I wonder if she's the same way.
There's a sound behind me and the door opens.
" What are you doing here?" The words are soft. Questioning not exactly accusing.
I look up and she's right there. The petals slip from my fingers to rest quietly upon the ground. There's a wariness in her eyes and the accusation she doesn't show in her is voice nestled there too. Her hair is swept back off her shoulders but still long and golden like the last time I saw her and she's just wearing jeans and a pale white tank top that shows a little of her tanned belly.
" Angel?" Buffy questions again.
" Buffy" I say and her lips curve in a faint smile. Not a smile of joy or happiness. Nothing like that. It's almost bitter.
" What are you doing here?" She repeats, the smile fading and anger coming into her eyes.
" I needed to see you."
" Why..." She starts to say and stops. " It doesn't matter why. I don't need to see you, Angel. I haven't needed to see you in the longest time." Buffy states, her words level and her voice almost emotionless.
They cut deep. Deeper than I'd thought possible. And words like that, I never knew Buffy was capable of words like that. I don't bother to try and hide that it hurts. We've known each other too long for that. The longest time. And deeper still.
She lowers her gaze a little after looking at me for a few seconds with those clear relentless eyes. Her teeth scrape across her bottom lip and that's the only sign I have that she feels anything.
" Can I come in?"
Buffy shrugs. " You don't have to ask anymore, do you? If you want." She says and holds the door open as I follow her in.
She leads me into the kitchen and sits down at the table, folding her arms across her chest.
" What is it?"
" I wanted to see you again."
" You've seen. You saw me that other time too. You've seen it *all* before, Angel. Why did you have to come here?" She demands.
" That other time...where is she?"
" She?" Buffy looks puzzled.
" Your daughter."
And then she laughs. It's like her smile, bitter. " Not my daughter. Sophy is Anya and Xander's. I was just showing her some of LA"
" Oh" I say, feeling a strange kind of relief wash over me.
" You came to check if she was mine?" Buffy asks slowly. " She's not. I'm not married or in a relationship. I live in a house by myself. Alone. Happy?"
" Buffy that doesn't make me happy." I tell her, shocked at these words. " I didn't come here to see that you weren't or that you were. I...I want you to be happy."
" So you barge into my life? What you said, those years ago in LA when I came to see you, you were right. We don't live in each others worlds. We may both live in LA but your world - " She shakes her head. " It's nothing like mine. They haven't been the same for years and you turning up won't make them."
And that, that's true. Much as I want it not to be, it's true. I love her but Buffy's moved on. Every word that cuts me tells me exactly how she's moved on. How ironic that I imagined I had moved on. Someday I'll have to ask her how she did it. Someday when she doesn't hate me.
I nod slowly. " You're right. Can we just talk?"
" About what? Us? You? Cordelia?"
I look at her in surprise. " How do you know about Cordelia?"
" Anya sometimes talks to Cordelia. I talk to Anya. I asked her about you."
And maybe she cared back then. She must have cared then. She asked about me. Me...I never asked about her. I tried not to think about her, to forget. Move the hell on.
And didn't that work out well?
" It was just a thing. I thought I loved her." I say, like saying that will make anything at all right.
" Spare me the details." She mutters.
" What about you?"
" You're asking about me now? In the sense that you actually care? I fucked Spike. He fell in love with me and I screwed him over. In all the senses of the word." Buffy tells me, not looking away this time. Her eyes are relentless on mine but not as cold before and her lips, her lips tremble once before she purses them together.
Buffy. My Buffy, with *Spike*. It's too much to be real. I can't say anything. And yet, I can't help but wonder if at the time when I've been wrapped in the arms of Cordelia, if then it would have mattered like it matters now. Or if it would have been a short sharp shock and then nothing because I had Cordelia who was beautiful and sweet and funny and what fucking else was there?
" Does it hurt?" She asks suddenly. Still looking at me.
" It hurts."
She nods a little, not looking satisfied or happy or proud or even bitter. I don't recognise the look but it's raw.
" Did it hurt for you before?" I ask. Just a little from her. Just to know that I mattered. That once I mattered, once long ago before I fucked everything up. Just a little.
" It does. It hurts." She says and the words are honest even if her eyes aren't meeting mine anymore.
* * *
tbc...and yeah definitely this time :) I'll love you forever if you feedback - pipergal33@yahoo.co.uk