Title: Sparks 4/?
Author: Emily
Category: Buffy/Angel, Buffy POV
Rating: PG 13
Summary: Angel realises what he always knew.
Timeline/Spoilers: Spoilers for season 3 of Angel in a vague way. Set sometime in the future, Angel's human, a few years on from the current seasons. You can find the earlier parts at fanfiction.net if you haven't read it.
Disclaimer: God I don't want them these days. Look how they turned out in this fic! All bitter and scarred. Joss can keep them if he's not going to make things right. CtS and BtVL belong to Marti and Greenwalt. Sue them. Um yeah I'm all bitter and scarred too, lol, can you tell? :) Oh and screw fanfiction.net who got rid of NC 17 stories. Damn them too.
Feedback: I'm a feedback ho. Yes. Pipergal33@yahoo.co.uk
Distribution: Fanfiction.net, B/A lists, Blinded by the Light if I ever put my fic up instead of using links to ffnet. Anywhere else that wants to archive just let me know where it's going up and take the other parts too.
Dedication: Everyone who's reading this story and suffering with the month long breaks between parts *g*, I wish I could get them out faster.
Sparks
Part 4
It hurts, I didn't even realise that till now, that it *still* hurts. It still hurts, I still care and oh God I just don't know. Suddenly I'm not so sure about all the things that I knew yesterday. Basically I'm screwed.
"Now?" Angel asks, echoing my thoughts.
I nod and look at the table. I don't want to analyse exactly how and why and all the little ways that it hurts. Not right now, not ever.
" Is that all?" I demand, feeling vulnerable. Like he could just touch my hand and know everything that I've kept locked away, not even admitting any of it to myself.
I know it's not all. I know he has a thousand other tearing questions. This isn't all, but how I wish it could be enough for him. That he could go now and leave me here to cry.
" Buffy, you're okay?" He asks. Break my world apart just to see if I'm okay. Leave me a wreck. I know this. We've done this before. Oh we've done it all before and it still doesn't stop hurting.
" What are you doing now?" Angel asks suddenly like this is some lame high school reunion. It's a reunion and he's the ex vampire that I used to be head over heels in love with and now we're here, awkward and bitter and wasn't high school just as fucked up?
" Could you not try to make small talk with me?" I ask quietly. " I can't talk to you about what I'm doing with my life, or the weather or the latest Julia Roberts movie. Angel, I just can't."
I didn't mean to sound so desperate but I am. I'm desperate for him to leave and let me be. I can't cope with this. I've been coping with a thousand other things, alone, for years but it turns out that the one thing that's breaking me up is Angel. Ironic, considering what I'd been through with him was probably the only reason I managed to cope with everything else. Anything but this.
I suppose some things never change. I can hate him and he can screw Cordelia but he's still the only one that affects me this much.
" What do you want to talk about?" He persists, in that oh so sensitive way of his. That way he used when he looked at me and said he didn't want his life to be with me. I wanted him to cry, to yell, to make up more reasons why not, I wanted him to kiss me goodbye, to hold me again, to say he loved me and he felt the same but we couldn't. I never wanted him to look at me and tell me that he didn't want to be with me. I would never have asked for that. And even that didn't stop me loving him.
" I don't" I say flatly and he flinches and I wonder if I'm breaking his heart a little, God knows he broke mine enough. "Please just go"
He stares at me. " You don't mean that."
" I mean it." I say and stand up. He stands too. "I want you to go and get the hell out of my life."
He still looks at me in that goddamned way of his and then my arm is swinging hard at his face. I watch as my fist hits him like I'm someone else just watching a play that should be over by now. Long over. I vaguely remember the feeling of my hand trying to bruise him from a long time ago and so I hit him again. Try to grasp it. I was bitter then. Bitter and angry and hurt and yet it wasn't half as awful as now.
I hit him once more and then finally he's grabbing me, rough and tearing hands on my shoulders, slamming me against the wall. I grasp this now. A little. He keeps on shaking me and I close my eyes even though I know that darkness is going to be a long time coming. He's *warm* and there won't be any fangs sinking into my neck nor any kind of escape from this. I can't escape from whatever we've become. He can't either and he's *holding* me and I suddenly can't breathe.
My eyes are still closed. Doesn't feel like I've really opened them in forever. They're closed and then - of all the things he's kissing me. Hard lips bruising mine. Not the soft tender - *careful* - kisses we used to share. Not at all. His mouth is angry and demanding against mine - and I want him. I hate myself for it, I hate myself for my tongue tangling wildly against his, I hate myself for *still* wanting him after all these years, oh and I can hate myself all I want but it won't do a thing to help. It won't help because I'm in his arms again and I'm kissing him back like he's the only person in the world.
* * *
tbc :)
feedback? Pipergal33@yahoo.co.uk
Author: Emily
Category: Buffy/Angel, Buffy POV
Rating: PG 13
Summary: Angel realises what he always knew.
Timeline/Spoilers: Spoilers for season 3 of Angel in a vague way. Set sometime in the future, Angel's human, a few years on from the current seasons. You can find the earlier parts at fanfiction.net if you haven't read it.
Disclaimer: God I don't want them these days. Look how they turned out in this fic! All bitter and scarred. Joss can keep them if he's not going to make things right. CtS and BtVL belong to Marti and Greenwalt. Sue them. Um yeah I'm all bitter and scarred too, lol, can you tell? :) Oh and screw fanfiction.net who got rid of NC 17 stories. Damn them too.
Feedback: I'm a feedback ho. Yes. Pipergal33@yahoo.co.uk
Distribution: Fanfiction.net, B/A lists, Blinded by the Light if I ever put my fic up instead of using links to ffnet. Anywhere else that wants to archive just let me know where it's going up and take the other parts too.
Dedication: Everyone who's reading this story and suffering with the month long breaks between parts *g*, I wish I could get them out faster.
Sparks
Part 4
It hurts, I didn't even realise that till now, that it *still* hurts. It still hurts, I still care and oh God I just don't know. Suddenly I'm not so sure about all the things that I knew yesterday. Basically I'm screwed.
"Now?" Angel asks, echoing my thoughts.
I nod and look at the table. I don't want to analyse exactly how and why and all the little ways that it hurts. Not right now, not ever.
" Is that all?" I demand, feeling vulnerable. Like he could just touch my hand and know everything that I've kept locked away, not even admitting any of it to myself.
I know it's not all. I know he has a thousand other tearing questions. This isn't all, but how I wish it could be enough for him. That he could go now and leave me here to cry.
" Buffy, you're okay?" He asks. Break my world apart just to see if I'm okay. Leave me a wreck. I know this. We've done this before. Oh we've done it all before and it still doesn't stop hurting.
" What are you doing now?" Angel asks suddenly like this is some lame high school reunion. It's a reunion and he's the ex vampire that I used to be head over heels in love with and now we're here, awkward and bitter and wasn't high school just as fucked up?
" Could you not try to make small talk with me?" I ask quietly. " I can't talk to you about what I'm doing with my life, or the weather or the latest Julia Roberts movie. Angel, I just can't."
I didn't mean to sound so desperate but I am. I'm desperate for him to leave and let me be. I can't cope with this. I've been coping with a thousand other things, alone, for years but it turns out that the one thing that's breaking me up is Angel. Ironic, considering what I'd been through with him was probably the only reason I managed to cope with everything else. Anything but this.
I suppose some things never change. I can hate him and he can screw Cordelia but he's still the only one that affects me this much.
" What do you want to talk about?" He persists, in that oh so sensitive way of his. That way he used when he looked at me and said he didn't want his life to be with me. I wanted him to cry, to yell, to make up more reasons why not, I wanted him to kiss me goodbye, to hold me again, to say he loved me and he felt the same but we couldn't. I never wanted him to look at me and tell me that he didn't want to be with me. I would never have asked for that. And even that didn't stop me loving him.
" I don't" I say flatly and he flinches and I wonder if I'm breaking his heart a little, God knows he broke mine enough. "Please just go"
He stares at me. " You don't mean that."
" I mean it." I say and stand up. He stands too. "I want you to go and get the hell out of my life."
He still looks at me in that goddamned way of his and then my arm is swinging hard at his face. I watch as my fist hits him like I'm someone else just watching a play that should be over by now. Long over. I vaguely remember the feeling of my hand trying to bruise him from a long time ago and so I hit him again. Try to grasp it. I was bitter then. Bitter and angry and hurt and yet it wasn't half as awful as now.
I hit him once more and then finally he's grabbing me, rough and tearing hands on my shoulders, slamming me against the wall. I grasp this now. A little. He keeps on shaking me and I close my eyes even though I know that darkness is going to be a long time coming. He's *warm* and there won't be any fangs sinking into my neck nor any kind of escape from this. I can't escape from whatever we've become. He can't either and he's *holding* me and I suddenly can't breathe.
My eyes are still closed. Doesn't feel like I've really opened them in forever. They're closed and then - of all the things he's kissing me. Hard lips bruising mine. Not the soft tender - *careful* - kisses we used to share. Not at all. His mouth is angry and demanding against mine - and I want him. I hate myself for it, I hate myself for my tongue tangling wildly against his, I hate myself for *still* wanting him after all these years, oh and I can hate myself all I want but it won't do a thing to help. It won't help because I'm in his arms again and I'm kissing him back like he's the only person in the world.
* * *
tbc :)
feedback? Pipergal33@yahoo.co.uk