As the three had been speaking, time had continued its eternal march forward. The day had begun to slowly disappear, the sky fading from blue into pink and then beginning to melt into blackness. Alucard and the others had been preoccupied with their activities, and failed to notice that dusk was falling until a chilling breeze alerted them all to the fact that the light and warmth of the daylight sun was ebbing. The lack of heat was the first thing they noticed.
"It's getting cold." Maria spoke for the first time since Mori had first appeared, shivering slightly.
"Like, yeah! And dark too!" Nayra enthusiastically added.
Alucard nodded blankly. He was all too aware that night was falling. As the daylight continued to pass, he felt himself becoming more and more comfortable and at ease. He vastly preferred shadows and the night. Unlike his father and other vampires, Alucard was able to tolerate the sunlight, but he in no way enjoyed it. He was extremely relieved to be in the growing darkness.
"We should rest here for the night," Mori suggested. "Or somewhere around here...Where are we going, anyway?"
Alucard shook his head. He hadn't planned to go anywhere, had planned to just wander aimlessly until he found a place to rest. He needed to go away...he needed to extinguish his father's bloodline....He hadn't counted on having company. Although he wished they would all just leave him alone, he knew he would have a very difficult time getting rid of Mori and Nayra, with the attachment and devotion they showed for him. And Maria...Why had she followed him anyway? He couldn't deal with feelings she had towards him, if any existed..He didn't know how...he was a monster...and he didn't want his father's bloodline to be continued..
"The nearest town," Alucard responded. He didn't know where that was or what it was called...he had been asleep for so long in Castlevania...he didn't even know what year it was. He didn't want to ask, though, because he knew the others would get suspicious. He was mostly worried about Mori and Nayra, since Maria knew what a monster he was..
Shaking out of his thoughts, Alucard added, "I do not know how far away that is, so I agree that we should rest here tonight. We can sleep in the forest." Nayra made a face at this. Alucard wasn't surprised; he hadn't expected her to be an avid camper. She could deal with it, though. They weren't going to set off on an unknown road in the middle of the night.
Alucard knew the others would be hungry, and he pulled out several hard rolls that had been wrapped in his cloak. He had no desire to join their respite, but he forced himself to eat, not wanting them to worry about him. Nayra whined about how bad the food tasted, and Maria and Mori tried to make conversation, but it seemed awkward and was filled with pauses. It was probably because he was there, Alucard thought bitterly. He seemed to mess everything up.
After they had forced down the paltry meal, the group retreated under the forest cover, making sure they were out of sight of the road. Maria had a cloak she could wrap herself up in to sleep, but Mori and Nayra did not, so Alucard took his off and gave it to them to share. He wasn't sure which of them looked more disgusted at the idea of sleeping together, but both decided it was better than freezing. Alucard stood and watched them as they drifted off to sleep, and as soon as he was convinced they were asleep, he walked off by himself, trying to fight down the urges that had begun to sweep over him.
He had begun to fear himself again.
Although Alucard was much more comfortable under the cover of darkness, he despised himself for it. In the shadows, his inner demon surfaced...the genes his father had given him began to be fully utilized. His vampire half became active, predatory. He was afraid to get close to anyone because they would be potential prey when he was like this...
And he was hungry.
They smelled so good...During the day, his vampiric senses had been less acute, and the scent of the human blood was also dimmed by his turbulent emotions and his surprise at the events that had taken place. But now, in the growing darkness, his dark side reawoke. He could smell their blood and it was beginning to get under his skin, to taunt him, like it would a dog who could smell its dinner but know it would be punished if it ate.
Is that all he saw them as? Alucard mentally rebuked himself, angry to have even mentally made the comparison. They were supposed to be his friends, and he couldn't see them as more than a potential meal.
Were they really his friends?
Had he chosen them? No. They had chosen him. All he had wanted was to be left alone, and they had appeared, insisting they wanted to keep him company. What if he didn't want to be kept company?
The smell..the smell was so tempting..It was like being starved for weeks and getting whiffs of an indulgent feast..
Being only half-vampire, feeding on blood was not a requirement for Alucard. He could survive purely on the food humans ate, but the comparison was pathetic. It was like being raised on oatmeal and water when succulent delicacies were at your fingertips...
The smell...it was driving him insane...All he wanted to do was take one of them, to sink his sharp teeth in and drink until he felt full again..he had not been properly sated in a long time...
What would Mori do if she knew he was a monster? Knew his father was the reason she was imprisoned in the first place? Her admiration for him would certainly disappear. Especially if she knew he thirsted for her...He hated it in himself, wanted to slash himself to pieces if it would remove the desire from him...it stopped him from getting close to anyone because he was too scared he would hurt them, too scared he would KILL them, too scared he would have to live with his own actions for eternity..because for him it would never be over...
Alucard paced around, trying to forget. But the smell was always there, maddening, consuming him...He was cold, without his cloak, but it was more important for the women to have...Oh, how he wanted to strike...They were all so helpless, lying there unconscious...They would never even know what happened...
But the fact that they were women made it even worse. Alucard was supposed to defend them, not destroy them. He was such a monster..
Alucard sank to the ground, clutching at his silver hair with his hands, clawing at it, tearing into himself, trying to forget the smell...he wished he could go to sleep, but trying to sleep in a condition like this was futile...
And then, suddenly, it got even worse.
The smell grew even stronger.
Alucard pushed himself against a tree, allowing the bark to dig into his forehead, trying not to notice...
"Alucard?"
He whirled around, the bright moonlight illuminating a figure that was standing there.
Mori.
"Why are you here?" Alucard responded, worried that he had allowed more than the usual emotion into his voice.
"I woke up when Nayra kicked me...I looked around and saw you weren't there, and I just wanted to make sure you were okay..."
Alucard silently cursed the moonlight. He wished Mori hadn't noticed his absence, wished she hadn't come, wished she knew what she was making him go through..
She smelled so good..it was so tempting...Maddening..
He now knew the feeling many men spoke of, that of being unable to control themselves..Most men used it in the context of sexual desire. Alucard himself had never felt attracted to anyone, as far as he could remember, and whenever he heard a man speak of the all-consuming nature of his desire, he never believed him, sure that it was just an excuse. He even looked down upon those who spoke of it, hating them for the weakness that allowed their selfish, self-pleasing desires to overcome them.
Now he knew differently, if it was as strong as his urge to take her was...He was just as bad as they were, he thought acidly. He, too, wanted to take advantage of her, except in his case it was even WORSE. Because with them, at least the women had a chance at pleasure too. If Alucard took her like he ached so badly to do, she would either be left dead or seriously injured; her well-being was at stake just to satisfy his cravings...oh, how he hated himself...But he wanted it so badly..wanted HER so badly..
"Mori, I...I think it would be best if you left."
"Why?" He could tell from her tone that she seemed a bit hurt, and he scolded himself for not expressing himself in a more eloquent manner.
"Just...Go..." He couldn't think...he couldn't think...the smell...he couldn't control himself much longer..
"I need to make sure you're-"
"GO!" Alucard barked, tightening his hold on one of the tree branches to try to restrain himself. Frightened by the tone in his voice, Mori turned and tried to flee, but in her haste she caught her foot on a fallen branch, crashing to the ground with a squeal of surprise and pain.
For a moment, Alucard's chivalrous instincts overrode his vampiric ones, and he leaped to his feet and ran to her side to help her up. However, as soon as he reached her the already taunting scent increased exponentially, causing Alucard to grit his teeth against it as he helped her up.
When he opened his eyes to make sure he was guiding her correctly, he realized why. She had somehow scraped herself, and an open wound on her face was bleeding profusely..
The sight of the blood was too much for Alucard to take.
"Oh..." he groaned, falling to the ground.
He wanted her..he wanted her SO BADLY..all he could think of was how enjoyable it would be...the taste of the warm sweetness that would leave him transformed..he didn't care about the consequences..he just wanted to take her and be satisfied...be full for once...he wanted it so badly..he NEEDED it..
"Mori, get out of here," he moaned softly. "GO!"
Sensing the urgency in his voice, Mori took off and ran, this time not faltering.
Alucard struck his hand against the ground, silently cursing himself for not taking advantage of his opportunity, cursing the moon for being bright enough that all this had happened...
Why hadn't he done it? It would have been so easy..he could have brought a stop to this torment, so easily...He could have been in ecstasy..If Maria and Nayra had been upset, he could have taken them too!
He hated his father, but he wanted to be like him...he wanted to have no regrets, he wanted to do what he wanted when he wanted...and he wanted to take her...
He could still smell them and it was driving him insane...What was stopping him? Why couldn't he do it? WHY? He was going to drive himself out of his mind...
Alucard cried out, softly, knowing that nobody would be able to hear him. He wanted to end this...why couldn't he?
But why did he want to do it? She was the first person who had ever trusted him. He would be lying if he said he didn't want to be trusted...Didn't want to be loved...Did she love him? He didn't know, but he seemed to hope he did...and he hated himself for that. He could never allow himself to get close to anyone..He'd just hurt them! He'd destroy them! He'd come so close just a few minutes ago, despite all these feelings of wanting her to care for him! He had never known anyone as hypocritical as himself! And now she probably thought she'd done something wrong, she was probably ripping herself to pieces for making him yell at her..if only she knew why it had happened..if only she knew he was a monster and he wanted to destroy her, to destroy everyone..
Why do I have to exist like this... Alucard shook his head, wishing he would die. He needed to die...he needed to stop his father's bloodline...but he couldn't die...even if he tried to kill himself, he would survive. That was another reason he couldn't get close to anyone, because his bloodline needed to die with him...
Why did he have to have the immortality his father had? Why couldn't he have been a mortal like his mother? At least then there would be a possibility of escape..
He couldn't let himself get close to her. But he wanted her to be close to him...but one required the other, didn't it? Didn't it? Nothing made any sense anymore...he just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up...He couldn't die, but he could sleep...
He wished he could die...he wanted to die...
Alucard curled up against the dirt, hating himself even more for indulging in the angst and self-pity, wishing he could just take his pain without whining about it, even if he was only whining to himself.
He shivered uncontrollably, wishing he could have his cloak, but he knew they had to have it...He wondered where this sense of chivalry had come from. He wondered why he had a conscience, why he couldn't just destroy everyone without thinking like his father had...he would never have been bound by this...
But..he loved Mother...
Alucard shook his head. He couldn't think anymore, didn't want to think anymore. He lay against the ground, staring at the moon, watching clouds drift across the sky. His vision blurred occasionally, but he never allowed himself to cry, suppressing the urges and hating himself even more for the weakness. Why was he so stupid and self-indulgent?
Finally, after he had mentally chased himself in circles for what seemed like an eternity, he became too exhausted to stay awake, and he drifted off silently, to an uneasy world of tortured nightmares.