Title: Not Enough
Author: Adeline
Rating: Heh. PG-13 just to be on the safe side. I tend to curse a bit.
Archive: Ask first.
Feedback: would be great.
***
Not Enough
Abby lay awake tonight, unable to go to sleep. Too many thoughts were preventing her from putting her mind at rest, tonight. Tonight... Tonight had been their first time together, hers and John's. And now, in spite of her own reluctance to accept it, as she was lying in his bed, beside him blissfully asleep and ignorant, Abby was getting a feeling like she didn't belong.
.:://::I give up...:://::.
.:://::What does that mean? What does that mean, what does that mean?:://::.
.:://::I'm done! I'm done, okay? Carter can have you!:://::.
Those were the last words he'd said to her, that really mattered. And Abby couldn't stop thinking about them, that one fight, that one night, and its terrible outcome. Carter can have you. That had truly hurt her. Many things that were said had hurt both Luka and her, but his last words had been the worst. The only thing she could think to do to attempt to hurt him in the same way, was to say nothing and walk away.
So, Carter could have her. What was Luka thinking? That she could go from one man to another without a second thought? That she hadn't had any feelings for him, that she was inhumane? Because if that's what he was thinking... if that's what he was thinking, well, he was wrong. Abby could not do that; she could never do that. Whatever it was that they'd shared, she knew she'd have trouble getting over it. Over him. And she did have trouble.
The truth is, she didn't as of yet know for a fact that she was over Luka.
Yet, she had done it. Slept with John Carter. Carter had eventually had her. God, she really had done it. Abby would not find rest in his bed.
Instead of lying there content and contemplative, as had once been her usual behavior, Abby was restless. She felt like running away.
Maybe she would. Gently brush away the sheets, and slip out of her own apartment. Wander the streets by herself. She did need the time alone, more than anything, regardless of the ungodliness of the hour. It was a little past 3am. It was raining outside. She hadn't noticed when it started, because she'd been occupied torturing her soul.
John was scheduled to work at 7. That left her a little over 3 hours. Unless she didn't come back before he left for work. If he did leave at all. Knowing John Carter, he might as well wait patiently for her return, confused as a lost puppy. Hmph, the mental image made Abby smirk despite herself. John was a big boy, and she needed the air.
***
Luka had noticed Carter looking at him strangely all day, but hadn't paid any particular attention : he knew Carter resented him, for whatever reason. He was subsequently surprised when at the end of his shift, the younger man asked him, in as casual a manner as he could try to fake, if he'd heard from Abby today.
He opened the door to the lounge as Luka was at his locker, swallowed his pride. "Hey, Luka, have you, uh..." He coughed slightly to grab attention. "Have you seen Abby today?"
Luka, confused by the very question, turned around to face the man leaning on the doorframe. "No, I..." He shrugged, "assumed she took the day off. Why?"
"Oh." Carter titlted his head back a bit, torn between relief and more worry. "I just... haven't been able to get a hold of her."
"You worried?"
This was taking more humility than Carter would normally care to show, but indeed, his worry for Abby took over. "Somewhat, yeah."
Luka nodded understandingly. "I'll call if I hear anything."
Carter looked at him for a full second. Huh, taking help from Kovac, who thought he'd see the day? "Uh, yeah." He scratched his head for effect, "Let me give you my--
Luka interrupted, with a muffled chuckle and a somewhat sheepish smile which made Carter dubious. Like they were friends or something... "She put you on my speed-dial," Luka explained.
"She did?" Carter couldn't suppress the boyish smile that had sprung up on him. "Oh, well, sure, that'd be great." He exited the lounge with a hopeful nod, "Thanks."
Luka grabbed his coat and shut his locker. "No problem," he said, barely above a whisper, more to himself than anyone else.
***
Abby stepped out of that bar she'd never been to before today, and onto the sidewalk. First drink in two frickin' months, wouldn't they all be proud? First drink, and second drink, and third drink, before the barman stopped serving her. Said she was "jus' havin' a shit day" and shouldn't "try an' drink it awaye." Why a barman of all people would ever tell anyone that, Abby didn't know. But she knew he was right.
She stopped drinking right then & there and headed out of that dump; started self-loathing instead. What a horrible person she was. She had to be truly horrible to disappear on Carter like that. He'd been nothing but good to her, the poor fool. She had to be truly awful to never once tell Luka about her alcoholism in the whole fucking year they'd dated. God knew he wouldn't have judged her for it. She had to be truly unfeeling to keep rejecting her mother the way she always did. Her childhood was in the past now.
One might say Abby was just truly confused, but Abby herself knew better than that. People say they're confused, and other people believe them and pity them and forgive them. In truth, that was just an excuse people used, to take the blame off of themselves. Nothing was ever your own goddamn fault, when you were confused. Cheat on your wife all you want, shoot up, go off your meds voluntarily, knock up a French waitress... Everybody in this goddamn town got awfully confused at some point or other. What harm was a couple drinks gonna do? She was confused, too, after all.
It only hit her after she'd walked along a couple blocks in a direction she hadn't taken since... a lifetime ago, it seemed. She had to indeed be pretty damn confused to subconsciously be heading that way, considering the place she was originally running from, and the situation which had set her running in the first place. And didn't she look like quite the hypocrite now, after that lecture she silently gave herself about confused people? But she was beyond the point of caring now, whether she was being a hypocrite. All she knew was, it was nearing midnight and she couldn't go home. She couldn't go home, and she couldn't stay on the street, with those countless shiny signs, and the inviting music oozing out of wide open doors, begging for her come through and lose control, and the...
No. Abby lowered her head to the ground, averting her eyes. She kept walking her way.
***
Author: Adeline
Rating: Heh. PG-13 just to be on the safe side. I tend to curse a bit.
Archive: Ask first.
Feedback: would be great.
***
Abby lay awake tonight, unable to go to sleep. Too many thoughts were preventing her from putting her mind at rest, tonight. Tonight... Tonight had been their first time together, hers and John's. And now, in spite of her own reluctance to accept it, as she was lying in his bed, beside him blissfully asleep and ignorant, Abby was getting a feeling like she didn't belong.
.:://::I give up...:://::.
.:://::What does that mean? What does that mean, what does that mean?:://::.
.:://::I'm done! I'm done, okay? Carter can have you!:://::.
Those were the last words he'd said to her, that really mattered. And Abby couldn't stop thinking about them, that one fight, that one night, and its terrible outcome. Carter can have you. That had truly hurt her. Many things that were said had hurt both Luka and her, but his last words had been the worst. The only thing she could think to do to attempt to hurt him in the same way, was to say nothing and walk away.
So, Carter could have her. What was Luka thinking? That she could go from one man to another without a second thought? That she hadn't had any feelings for him, that she was inhumane? Because if that's what he was thinking... if that's what he was thinking, well, he was wrong. Abby could not do that; she could never do that. Whatever it was that they'd shared, she knew she'd have trouble getting over it. Over him. And she did have trouble.
The truth is, she didn't as of yet know for a fact that she was over Luka.
Yet, she had done it. Slept with John Carter. Carter had eventually had her. God, she really had done it. Abby would not find rest in his bed.
Instead of lying there content and contemplative, as had once been her usual behavior, Abby was restless. She felt like running away.
Maybe she would. Gently brush away the sheets, and slip out of her own apartment. Wander the streets by herself. She did need the time alone, more than anything, regardless of the ungodliness of the hour. It was a little past 3am. It was raining outside. She hadn't noticed when it started, because she'd been occupied torturing her soul.
John was scheduled to work at 7. That left her a little over 3 hours. Unless she didn't come back before he left for work. If he did leave at all. Knowing John Carter, he might as well wait patiently for her return, confused as a lost puppy. Hmph, the mental image made Abby smirk despite herself. John was a big boy, and she needed the air.
***
Luka had noticed Carter looking at him strangely all day, but hadn't paid any particular attention : he knew Carter resented him, for whatever reason. He was subsequently surprised when at the end of his shift, the younger man asked him, in as casual a manner as he could try to fake, if he'd heard from Abby today.
He opened the door to the lounge as Luka was at his locker, swallowed his pride. "Hey, Luka, have you, uh..." He coughed slightly to grab attention. "Have you seen Abby today?"
Luka, confused by the very question, turned around to face the man leaning on the doorframe. "No, I..." He shrugged, "assumed she took the day off. Why?"
"Oh." Carter titlted his head back a bit, torn between relief and more worry. "I just... haven't been able to get a hold of her."
"You worried?"
This was taking more humility than Carter would normally care to show, but indeed, his worry for Abby took over. "Somewhat, yeah."
Luka nodded understandingly. "I'll call if I hear anything."
Carter looked at him for a full second. Huh, taking help from Kovac, who thought he'd see the day? "Uh, yeah." He scratched his head for effect, "Let me give you my--
Luka interrupted, with a muffled chuckle and a somewhat sheepish smile which made Carter dubious. Like they were friends or something... "She put you on my speed-dial," Luka explained.
"She did?" Carter couldn't suppress the boyish smile that had sprung up on him. "Oh, well, sure, that'd be great." He exited the lounge with a hopeful nod, "Thanks."
Luka grabbed his coat and shut his locker. "No problem," he said, barely above a whisper, more to himself than anyone else.
***
Abby stepped out of that bar she'd never been to before today, and onto the sidewalk. First drink in two frickin' months, wouldn't they all be proud? First drink, and second drink, and third drink, before the barman stopped serving her. Said she was "jus' havin' a shit day" and shouldn't "try an' drink it awaye." Why a barman of all people would ever tell anyone that, Abby didn't know. But she knew he was right.
She stopped drinking right then & there and headed out of that dump; started self-loathing instead. What a horrible person she was. She had to be truly horrible to disappear on Carter like that. He'd been nothing but good to her, the poor fool. She had to be truly awful to never once tell Luka about her alcoholism in the whole fucking year they'd dated. God knew he wouldn't have judged her for it. She had to be truly unfeeling to keep rejecting her mother the way she always did. Her childhood was in the past now.
One might say Abby was just truly confused, but Abby herself knew better than that. People say they're confused, and other people believe them and pity them and forgive them. In truth, that was just an excuse people used, to take the blame off of themselves. Nothing was ever your own goddamn fault, when you were confused. Cheat on your wife all you want, shoot up, go off your meds voluntarily, knock up a French waitress... Everybody in this goddamn town got awfully confused at some point or other. What harm was a couple drinks gonna do? She was confused, too, after all.
It only hit her after she'd walked along a couple blocks in a direction she hadn't taken since... a lifetime ago, it seemed. She had to indeed be pretty damn confused to subconsciously be heading that way, considering the place she was originally running from, and the situation which had set her running in the first place. And didn't she look like quite the hypocrite now, after that lecture she silently gave herself about confused people? But she was beyond the point of caring now, whether she was being a hypocrite. All she knew was, it was nearing midnight and she couldn't go home. She couldn't go home, and she couldn't stay on the street, with those countless shiny signs, and the inviting music oozing out of wide open doors, begging for her come through and lose control, and the...
No. Abby lowered her head to the ground, averting her eyes. She kept walking her way.
***