She felt the sweat beads on the back of her neck as she was about to knock
on the door. The walk had been much longer than she'd remembered, probably
because she hadn't taken it in so long. Or maybe because it was cold out,
and she was lonely, and didn't everything just seem so much worse on nights
like this? She could have stood here indefinitely, pondering whether she
should enter his life again, but the looming silence of the hall made her
aware of herself. She didn't want to be stuck in moments like these anymore,
she didn't want to have any more days like these, where just one drink too
many might send her over a rail and into the lake; or God knows where else.
She didn't want to be the one she'd been in spite of herself for the past
several months. She wanted something right to happen. She wanted change.
He was profoundly surprised to see her there, but pulled his door wide open
nonetheless.
***
Carter had gotten off at midnight. He had initially been scheduled to leave
work at 8, but Deb had had to leave unexpectedly and he'd gladly offered to
cover for her. Told her he didn't mind. Which he didn't, but the reasons why
were unclear. He didn't mind not going to Abby's place and finding her
absent still. He didn't mind not going home and finding a message on his
machine, telling him she needed time. He didn't mind not waiting, hours on
end, to hear about her at last. He didn't mind not being called from the
ex-boyfriend's phone and being grateful for that.
He didn't mind having to keep focused on work, smile at patients, tell
himself he was being paranoid. He didn't mind trying to hope she'd be safe
and sound asleep in her apartment by the time he'd get off. He didn't mind
not worrying himself sick. He didn't mind not dwelling on her. He didn't
mind ignoring what he thought, with all his mind, to be the truth.
***
They stood a couple of feet apart. He was leaning against the back of the
couch and watching expectantly.
"I... I don't know why I'm here!" She told him in response.
"I didn't ask."
"I... don't love him." She started pacing anxiously and spoke loudly.
"Carter?" Luka asked.
"I mean, he's great." Abby went on. "And he does his best, but... I just...
don't."
"Hey... It's not your fault."
"But I don't even know why! God!" She shouted, more to herself than to
anyone else.
"You don't have to have a reason." Luka soothed.
"I... why am I even here, telling you?"
He hesitated a bit before suggesting a possible explanation. "Did you..." He
paused, and never finished his sentence. Instead, he gave Abby an
awkward, pregnant look.
"Oh, crap. You know, I..." She threw her hands in the air in frustration. "I
think I did. Maybe I did love you, yes."
An awkward silence ensued that revelation.
"Wow, I'm messed up." Abby exclaimed, shameful.
Luka smiled with sympathy and reached out to stroke her arm. "How are you?"
"I'm fine," came the automatic response. But he didn't buy that, she could
see it in the way he was looking at her. "What? I am!" She insisted.
"It's 1 AM, Abby. You've been off wandering all day." Luka stated with a
faux-shrug. "Nobody's always fine." He said simply, almost sorrowful.
Abby didn't know where to look. Her eyes stung, but she wouldn't let him see
her break. "I..." She looked away. "I couldn't go home."
Luka nodded in silence and watched her fatigue-ridden figure. He slowly
nodded in sympathy, then he let a few moments go by, enough time for her
to brush a strand of hair behind her ear, before he asked again,
persistent. "How are you?"
Abby looked up to his face and down at her feet again. "I'm... I'm okay, I
guess."
"You guess." Luka echoed, gently pushing for further explanation.
"No, I'm..." She gave Luka the Innocent You're-Kidding Look, "I'm
doing all right." She shrugged.
"Abby, you came here in the middle of night! Give me some credit here, I
know you're not--
Abby snapped at him. "I'm doing..." But she trailed off, seeing that Luka
was having none of her bullshit. "I'm doing," she sighed, "what I think is
best for me."
Luka merely nodded, not quite convinced. "And does that seem to be working?"
"Yeah, it's... I'm getting there."
"And where is that? You only got here, tonight."
"I," Abby was growing tired of this conversation. So he wanted her to
confess she was lost and confused and not heading any damn place? Fine! "I
don't know, Luka!"
He shook his head, crossing his arms over his chest. "You don't know!
You're doing what you think is easiest, safest... You come to me out of the
blue, and just what am I supposed to do? You want the fast way out of
whatever it is you're running from, but..." Luka paused to breathe. "I don't
have all the answers. I can't always be your lifeline."
Abby remained silent as a scolded child, and looked away and back at Luka
and away again anxiously. "Can I crash on the couch?" She eventually asked
meekly.
"In a minute."
Abby rolled her eyes and sighed, facing away. "I thought you knew me, Luka."
The disappointment in her tone was obvious enough, but very obviously not
genuine.
"And I thought I knew you." He retorted, disturbingly uneasy. "You seem to
take this all as a game, and you hurt... people. I don't want to tell you
how to live, Abby, but--
"Well then, what do you *want*?" She spat out, frustrated and almost
yelling.
"What do you *think* I want?" He shot back. "I want..." His voiced softened.
"I want you to get what's best for you, Abby, whatever that is. I want you
to be happy."
A few moments passed by in silence, as she was visibly struggling with
herself. Her eyes were glistening.
"Have you had..." He felt almost bad asking this, but he cared, and he had
to know. "Anything to drink today?"
"I..." She was going to lie again, but found herself unable to, probably
because tiredness and this new insidious headache wouldn't let her think
clearly enough right now. "I didn't mean to." She revealed in a sigh
instead.
"Abby."
"No, I... No, you know what? You're right. *I decided* to walk into this
bar, and *I decided* to have all those beers."
He just looked at her, not knowing how to react.
"But it wasn't easy, you know. Just as it wasn't easy coming here. I thought
you'd understand."
"I do... and I don't." Luka admitted. "I don't understand what you expect
from me, and right now I'm thinking you came here just because you had
nowhere else."
"I *had* nowhere else, I guess. I could've stayed on the street, you know."
"I know."
"But I didn't want to stay on the street. And you wouldn't want me to stay
on the street." Abby felt low for that one.
"Is that a reason? Carter wouldn't want you to stay on the street. This just
isn't about either of us. It's about you."
"Can you... can you please not mention him? Please?" Abby suddenly choked on
a lump in her throat.
"I... I just don't know what you want from me here."
She looked at him for a long minute. Saw how much he cared, how confused he
felt, how helpless. She always could read in his face things others never
saw. She surrendered to the need for answers at last, taking a few steps
toward him, relieving herself. She was on the brink of tears.
But Luka stood still, unsure. This wasn't right. It didn't seem right. He
was watching her still, and saw a tear spill over. "Damnit, Luka, I want you
to
hold me!" She pushed herself into his chest again, unknowingly tugging at
his heart, so much.
"Shhh, okay..." He slowly reached out an arm to hug her close and rocked her
to a slow, comforting pace. "Shhh... It's okay. It's okay."
His voiced was soothing and his body was her shelter.
They stayed like this for almost two hours, until she fell asleep. Then he
gently carried her over to his bed, and moved out of room making as little
noise as he could. He'd take the couch tonight.
Before he could rest his mind, though, he knew he ought to call Carter, tell
him where she was. So he did.
on the door. The walk had been much longer than she'd remembered, probably
because she hadn't taken it in so long. Or maybe because it was cold out,
and she was lonely, and didn't everything just seem so much worse on nights
like this? She could have stood here indefinitely, pondering whether she
should enter his life again, but the looming silence of the hall made her
aware of herself. She didn't want to be stuck in moments like these anymore,
she didn't want to have any more days like these, where just one drink too
many might send her over a rail and into the lake; or God knows where else.
She didn't want to be the one she'd been in spite of herself for the past
several months. She wanted something right to happen. She wanted change.
He was profoundly surprised to see her there, but pulled his door wide open
nonetheless.
***
Carter had gotten off at midnight. He had initially been scheduled to leave
work at 8, but Deb had had to leave unexpectedly and he'd gladly offered to
cover for her. Told her he didn't mind. Which he didn't, but the reasons why
were unclear. He didn't mind not going to Abby's place and finding her
absent still. He didn't mind not going home and finding a message on his
machine, telling him she needed time. He didn't mind not waiting, hours on
end, to hear about her at last. He didn't mind not being called from the
ex-boyfriend's phone and being grateful for that.
He didn't mind having to keep focused on work, smile at patients, tell
himself he was being paranoid. He didn't mind trying to hope she'd be safe
and sound asleep in her apartment by the time he'd get off. He didn't mind
not worrying himself sick. He didn't mind not dwelling on her. He didn't
mind ignoring what he thought, with all his mind, to be the truth.
***
They stood a couple of feet apart. He was leaning against the back of the
couch and watching expectantly.
"I... I don't know why I'm here!" She told him in response.
"I didn't ask."
"I... don't love him." She started pacing anxiously and spoke loudly.
"Carter?" Luka asked.
"I mean, he's great." Abby went on. "And he does his best, but... I just...
don't."
"Hey... It's not your fault."
"But I don't even know why! God!" She shouted, more to herself than to
anyone else.
"You don't have to have a reason." Luka soothed.
"I... why am I even here, telling you?"
He hesitated a bit before suggesting a possible explanation. "Did you..." He
paused, and never finished his sentence. Instead, he gave Abby an
awkward, pregnant look.
"Oh, crap. You know, I..." She threw her hands in the air in frustration. "I
think I did. Maybe I did love you, yes."
An awkward silence ensued that revelation.
"Wow, I'm messed up." Abby exclaimed, shameful.
Luka smiled with sympathy and reached out to stroke her arm. "How are you?"
"I'm fine," came the automatic response. But he didn't buy that, she could
see it in the way he was looking at her. "What? I am!" She insisted.
"It's 1 AM, Abby. You've been off wandering all day." Luka stated with a
faux-shrug. "Nobody's always fine." He said simply, almost sorrowful.
Abby didn't know where to look. Her eyes stung, but she wouldn't let him see
her break. "I..." She looked away. "I couldn't go home."
Luka nodded in silence and watched her fatigue-ridden figure. He slowly
nodded in sympathy, then he let a few moments go by, enough time for her
to brush a strand of hair behind her ear, before he asked again,
persistent. "How are you?"
Abby looked up to his face and down at her feet again. "I'm... I'm okay, I
guess."
"You guess." Luka echoed, gently pushing for further explanation.
"No, I'm..." She gave Luka the Innocent You're-Kidding Look, "I'm
doing all right." She shrugged.
"Abby, you came here in the middle of night! Give me some credit here, I
know you're not--
Abby snapped at him. "I'm doing..." But she trailed off, seeing that Luka
was having none of her bullshit. "I'm doing," she sighed, "what I think is
best for me."
Luka merely nodded, not quite convinced. "And does that seem to be working?"
"Yeah, it's... I'm getting there."
"And where is that? You only got here, tonight."
"I," Abby was growing tired of this conversation. So he wanted her to
confess she was lost and confused and not heading any damn place? Fine! "I
don't know, Luka!"
He shook his head, crossing his arms over his chest. "You don't know!
You're doing what you think is easiest, safest... You come to me out of the
blue, and just what am I supposed to do? You want the fast way out of
whatever it is you're running from, but..." Luka paused to breathe. "I don't
have all the answers. I can't always be your lifeline."
Abby remained silent as a scolded child, and looked away and back at Luka
and away again anxiously. "Can I crash on the couch?" She eventually asked
meekly.
"In a minute."
Abby rolled her eyes and sighed, facing away. "I thought you knew me, Luka."
The disappointment in her tone was obvious enough, but very obviously not
genuine.
"And I thought I knew you." He retorted, disturbingly uneasy. "You seem to
take this all as a game, and you hurt... people. I don't want to tell you
how to live, Abby, but--
"Well then, what do you *want*?" She spat out, frustrated and almost
yelling.
"What do you *think* I want?" He shot back. "I want..." His voiced softened.
"I want you to get what's best for you, Abby, whatever that is. I want you
to be happy."
A few moments passed by in silence, as she was visibly struggling with
herself. Her eyes were glistening.
"Have you had..." He felt almost bad asking this, but he cared, and he had
to know. "Anything to drink today?"
"I..." She was going to lie again, but found herself unable to, probably
because tiredness and this new insidious headache wouldn't let her think
clearly enough right now. "I didn't mean to." She revealed in a sigh
instead.
"Abby."
"No, I... No, you know what? You're right. *I decided* to walk into this
bar, and *I decided* to have all those beers."
He just looked at her, not knowing how to react.
"But it wasn't easy, you know. Just as it wasn't easy coming here. I thought
you'd understand."
"I do... and I don't." Luka admitted. "I don't understand what you expect
from me, and right now I'm thinking you came here just because you had
nowhere else."
"I *had* nowhere else, I guess. I could've stayed on the street, you know."
"I know."
"But I didn't want to stay on the street. And you wouldn't want me to stay
on the street." Abby felt low for that one.
"Is that a reason? Carter wouldn't want you to stay on the street. This just
isn't about either of us. It's about you."
"Can you... can you please not mention him? Please?" Abby suddenly choked on
a lump in her throat.
"I... I just don't know what you want from me here."
She looked at him for a long minute. Saw how much he cared, how confused he
felt, how helpless. She always could read in his face things others never
saw. She surrendered to the need for answers at last, taking a few steps
toward him, relieving herself. She was on the brink of tears.
But Luka stood still, unsure. This wasn't right. It didn't seem right. He
was watching her still, and saw a tear spill over. "Damnit, Luka, I want you
to
hold me!" She pushed herself into his chest again, unknowingly tugging at
his heart, so much.
"Shhh, okay..." He slowly reached out an arm to hug her close and rocked her
to a slow, comforting pace. "Shhh... It's okay. It's okay."
His voiced was soothing and his body was her shelter.
They stayed like this for almost two hours, until she fell asleep. Then he
gently carried her over to his bed, and moved out of room making as little
noise as he could. He'd take the couch tonight.
Before he could rest his mind, though, he knew he ought to call Carter, tell
him where she was. So he did.