This first chapter, through written in third person, follows thoughts. Thus, it does go in strange directions at times. I tried to follow these thoughts the way my thoughts usually go. Whether it worked or not, you be the judge.
Warning, this fic deals with child abuse, though - at least at this point - not graphically. Though I wish it otherwise, it does happen. I'm trying to deal with it in a very realistic and mature way, but if it offends you, please do not read any further.
I do not own "Hey Arnold".
~Beyond Endurance~
"Reflection"
She sat in silence, looking out at the great expanse of blue before her. She couldn't seem to get her mind to work, everything seemed so... unreal. Yet, she had known for so long that this would eventually happen that she knew it was completely and totally truth. She just wished... she sighed, unable to finish her thought. At the moment she was so totally numb that she didn't even know what she wanted. She didn't even care.
Today had been the last day of "normal" life. She wished she had spent it a little better, participated a little more, given in just a little to the illusion that she belonged with them. It had just been so rough the last couple of days.
Olga had returned home to announce that she had qualified to enter an accelerated learning program, which was only available to the brightest and most community-active students. This would take her through every class she was supposed to have for the next three years of college and get them all done in about a year. Helga's parents had been so proud that they'd treated them all out to dinner - but they had left before she could even get her shoes on and tied. They'd forgotten her completely. What was worse was that they didn't even notice she was missing throughout the entire meal, until they got home, then Bob had yelled at her for not being there to encourage her sister, Olga had defended her through tears, and Mirriam had gone into the kitchen, made herself a smoothie, and locked herself into her room.
That had been nearly a week ago. Olga had stayed until the end of the week, then had gone back to Alaska. Since then, things had only gotten worse.
Helga shivered slightly. Fall was just around the corner. They'd started school on Monday, but Summer seemed to want to hold out for a couple more weeks. Fall was putting up a hard fight, though, and was starting to win. It wouldn't be long now, and the nip in air as the sun set in the sky was proving so.
Her shivering didn't last long. Eventually her body settled into the same numbness as her mind had and the shivering stopped.
At least now that school was in session she'd have a reason for not being home most of the day. She'd have to find something to do after school now, though.
Maybe she could get a job somewhere. Even if no one could officially hire her, maybe they'd let her "help out" after school. Harold had done it with Mr. Green. Even Arnold and Gerald had done it at a flower shop. If she did get a job, she could just buy her own lunch at school, or maybe buy her own stuff to pack for lunch. That way she'd never have to go anywhere near Bob to ask for money. She would just have to find some place where she knew no one from her class would ever go.
She tried to keep her thoughts intent on finding a job, but she couldn't. Her mind just kept going over and over the events of that afternoon.
After Olga had left, things had steadily gotten worse at home.
Mirriam would look at her in the morning and get out her blender. She always turned to her smoothies. Helga knew why. Her mother put alcohol in each and every one. Maybe not much alcohol. Not enough anyone could ever accuse her of being alcoholic, but enough to "take the edge off of things", as she'd explained to Helga after she'd caught Mirriam pouring Vodka into the mix one morning. Helga had had to promise never to tell.
After she made her drink, Mirriam would take it up to her room, where she'd lock herself in and take a handful of anti-depressant pills. Combined, these kept her constantly in a state of blissful incoherence, which Helga could do nothing to break through.
Bob, on the other hand, was all too aware. Aware of Helga's faults, that was. Since Olga had announced more of her perfection, Helga's faults had amplified a million-fold in her father's eyes. She wasn't perfect, not even close, she was a normal human, just like everyone else, and he couldn't take it. In his eyes, he was the perfect salesman, his eldest daughter was perfect in just about everything, and his wife was very docile and obedient. His life would have been perfect if Helga had just been born a boy. He could have had his perfect daughter and his perfect son. His life would have been a breeze.
If it hadn't been for Helga.
Helga was not a breeze. She was real. She was stubborn and intelligent. She knew what she wanted and she wasn't going to let anyone push her around, not even her parents. She didn't care what Bob thought a girl should act like, she'd be whatever she wanted to be.
Bob couldn't stand it. He'd recognized it at a very young age, and he hadn't been about to let her get away with it. He would get her to behave his way whatever it took, and he meant whatever it took.
That had stopped at age five, when Helga had realized that most kids didn't have to pretend that their latest bruise or cut or broken bone was because they'd fallen down the stairs again. Once she realized that, she'd told her kindergarden teacher and the school had started an investigation. Bob had had to talk fast to get out of that one, and he hadn't touched her since. In fact he did his best to ignore her completely.
But lately, the situation had gotten out of hand. He realized that Helga was now at an age where she would understand that if she told, they wouldn't believe her - especially with her reputation - and if they did, she could get sent to a place good deal worse than Big Bob's house. In addition, he figured she was still young enough that he could possibly scare her into keeping quiet with threats of worse punishments. That realization and Olga's last visit had been all it had taken to get the fire raging beneath him again. She would do things his way.
Monday morning he'd decided to "set some rules". He grabbed Helga by the throat, pinned her up against the wall, and "explained" to her the way things were going to be from now on, until she started to turn purple. Then he released her and told her to get ready for her first day of school. She'd worn a turtleneck that day.
That was three days ago. She hadn't told anyone about it until yesterday. She had thought it would pass, but instead, it seemed to be getting worse. She told Phoebe in total confidence the night before over the phone. Well, she began to tell her. She started with some of the little things Bob had started doing to her again. Phoebe already knew about what Bob had done to Helga when she was little, so Helga figured she could trust Phoebe not not say anything. However, before she could really tell Phoebe anything important, Phoebe got another phone call and hung up with Helga.
Helga had thought it was weird, but didn't attach much importance to it. She'd had more pressing matters on her mind, like the sound of Bob pounding on her locked door while Mirriam yelled at him to keep it down from their bedroom.
She should have paid more attention.
Today she had tried to talk to Phoebe, all day in fact, but Phoebe was getting more popular. Helga had been working since they were three to build Phoebe's confidence without ruining who she already was. It had been hard at times, Phoebe was so smart and shy that it wasn't easy to bring her out of her shell. The only way Helga could seem to get Phoebe to tell her what she wanted was to try to be so bossy that Phoebe would retaliate. It seemed to be working, though. Phoebe seemed to be branching out. She was more willing to talk to other people, and she was starting to make her own friends. Helga was actually proud of her. She had thought Phoebe understood all this.
Apparently not. Today at the ball game after school, everything had exploded. Helga had been a little desperate. She was starting to fall into a depression, and she recognized the signs. She was hoping Phoebe could bump her out of it, as she had before. She just really needed to *talk* to someone she knew she could trust. She was in danger of breaking.
But Phoebe hadn't wanted to talk. She wanted to stay with the others, she wanted to play and be a normal kid. Helga wasn't ready for that. She wasn't used to Phoebe having her own social life - without her. They'd been best friends since preschool and she hadn't thought about things changing.
Helga swallowed a sigh as she thought about what happened next.
She'd been half crazy at that point. She was falling apart and she needed help. For once, Phoebe hadn't understood. When Helga ordered her to come as usual, she'd stood her ground and refused. Helga had tried to order her again, and when it still didn't work, she'd pleaded.
After Phoebe refused a third time, Helga's pride kicked in and she began to come back to her senses. Her hurt at the rejection of the one person who actually cared about her overtook what her family was putting her through. She felt herself turning to stone, unfeeling, uncaring. She stood up straight, and looked Phoebe in the eye. Emotionless and cold, she held contact for a moment, then she broke eye contact and walked away as calmly as she could.
She hadn't known what she was doing. She had never thought she'd be ending a friendship that had lasted over six years that afternoon. At that point she couldn't think.
Phoebe hadn't followed Helga, and as soon as she was out of sight, Helga had broken into a stumbling run. Somehow she ended up in the park two hours later. She sat against a tree and looked up at the sky. It was too bright, too... perfectly blue. She hated it, loathed it. She wanted rain. She wanted it to soak her through, to make her sick, anything to show that *something* could understand how she felt.
Her head was spinning painfully. She couldn't get over Phoebe's rejection. It was too much for her to deal with. Too much on top of everything else. Phoebe shouldn't have done it, she should have just come, she should have known Helga needed her! She was getting angrier and angrier.
At that moment Phoebe had shown up, along with most of the rest of the gang. Helga couldn't remember what happened next, but it didn't matter, she remembered what was important. Harold had decided to tease her, and Helga couldn't take it.
Seething with fury she'd turned cold, hatred-filled eyes on the entire group. "Don't ever talk to me again!" She'd hissed.
"Helga..." Phoebe had started. She hadn't finished. Helga had focused on her with the same look she had given the group. The only difference was her eyes now held a little hurt. Phoebe's words had died in her throat.
"Don't ever talk to me again," Helga had repeated, "Especially you!"
Then she left without another word. No one followed, either they were too scared or they just didn't care, it didn't matter which. They didn't come and that was all that had mattered.
Calm now, Helga sat and watched the water of the bay surge in and out. She'd done a lot of walking, a lot of running and had worked out a lot of her frustrations. Now she could think again. Now that she was empty and numb once again, she could think.
Regret. She regretted every word. But now, now she couldn't take them back, they were here to stay. Phoebe would never forgive her, and she could never forgive herself. The other kids, well now they finally had a reason never to have to deal with her again. She was completely alone.
Alone.
That word was so... It sounded so... It made her feel so...
...
She couldn't put it into words. She was barely thinking in words anymore. Somehow it all seemed a little extraneous. She knew in time her words would come back to her, but for now, all she could do was look at the sky and wish it wasn't so beautiful. Now she remembered another reason why she wished it would rain.
Maybe the rain would hide the tears streaming silently down her face.
The sun finished setting and darkness took over.
Helga went home. Big Bob met her at the door.
____________________
I'm not sure whether the next chapter will be from another perspective, but there will be more conversation in the next one.
Warning, this fic deals with child abuse, though - at least at this point - not graphically. Though I wish it otherwise, it does happen. I'm trying to deal with it in a very realistic and mature way, but if it offends you, please do not read any further.
I do not own "Hey Arnold".
~Beyond Endurance~
"Reflection"
She sat in silence, looking out at the great expanse of blue before her. She couldn't seem to get her mind to work, everything seemed so... unreal. Yet, she had known for so long that this would eventually happen that she knew it was completely and totally truth. She just wished... she sighed, unable to finish her thought. At the moment she was so totally numb that she didn't even know what she wanted. She didn't even care.
Today had been the last day of "normal" life. She wished she had spent it a little better, participated a little more, given in just a little to the illusion that she belonged with them. It had just been so rough the last couple of days.
Olga had returned home to announce that she had qualified to enter an accelerated learning program, which was only available to the brightest and most community-active students. This would take her through every class she was supposed to have for the next three years of college and get them all done in about a year. Helga's parents had been so proud that they'd treated them all out to dinner - but they had left before she could even get her shoes on and tied. They'd forgotten her completely. What was worse was that they didn't even notice she was missing throughout the entire meal, until they got home, then Bob had yelled at her for not being there to encourage her sister, Olga had defended her through tears, and Mirriam had gone into the kitchen, made herself a smoothie, and locked herself into her room.
That had been nearly a week ago. Olga had stayed until the end of the week, then had gone back to Alaska. Since then, things had only gotten worse.
Helga shivered slightly. Fall was just around the corner. They'd started school on Monday, but Summer seemed to want to hold out for a couple more weeks. Fall was putting up a hard fight, though, and was starting to win. It wouldn't be long now, and the nip in air as the sun set in the sky was proving so.
Her shivering didn't last long. Eventually her body settled into the same numbness as her mind had and the shivering stopped.
At least now that school was in session she'd have a reason for not being home most of the day. She'd have to find something to do after school now, though.
Maybe she could get a job somewhere. Even if no one could officially hire her, maybe they'd let her "help out" after school. Harold had done it with Mr. Green. Even Arnold and Gerald had done it at a flower shop. If she did get a job, she could just buy her own lunch at school, or maybe buy her own stuff to pack for lunch. That way she'd never have to go anywhere near Bob to ask for money. She would just have to find some place where she knew no one from her class would ever go.
She tried to keep her thoughts intent on finding a job, but she couldn't. Her mind just kept going over and over the events of that afternoon.
After Olga had left, things had steadily gotten worse at home.
Mirriam would look at her in the morning and get out her blender. She always turned to her smoothies. Helga knew why. Her mother put alcohol in each and every one. Maybe not much alcohol. Not enough anyone could ever accuse her of being alcoholic, but enough to "take the edge off of things", as she'd explained to Helga after she'd caught Mirriam pouring Vodka into the mix one morning. Helga had had to promise never to tell.
After she made her drink, Mirriam would take it up to her room, where she'd lock herself in and take a handful of anti-depressant pills. Combined, these kept her constantly in a state of blissful incoherence, which Helga could do nothing to break through.
Bob, on the other hand, was all too aware. Aware of Helga's faults, that was. Since Olga had announced more of her perfection, Helga's faults had amplified a million-fold in her father's eyes. She wasn't perfect, not even close, she was a normal human, just like everyone else, and he couldn't take it. In his eyes, he was the perfect salesman, his eldest daughter was perfect in just about everything, and his wife was very docile and obedient. His life would have been perfect if Helga had just been born a boy. He could have had his perfect daughter and his perfect son. His life would have been a breeze.
If it hadn't been for Helga.
Helga was not a breeze. She was real. She was stubborn and intelligent. She knew what she wanted and she wasn't going to let anyone push her around, not even her parents. She didn't care what Bob thought a girl should act like, she'd be whatever she wanted to be.
Bob couldn't stand it. He'd recognized it at a very young age, and he hadn't been about to let her get away with it. He would get her to behave his way whatever it took, and he meant whatever it took.
That had stopped at age five, when Helga had realized that most kids didn't have to pretend that their latest bruise or cut or broken bone was because they'd fallen down the stairs again. Once she realized that, she'd told her kindergarden teacher and the school had started an investigation. Bob had had to talk fast to get out of that one, and he hadn't touched her since. In fact he did his best to ignore her completely.
But lately, the situation had gotten out of hand. He realized that Helga was now at an age where she would understand that if she told, they wouldn't believe her - especially with her reputation - and if they did, she could get sent to a place good deal worse than Big Bob's house. In addition, he figured she was still young enough that he could possibly scare her into keeping quiet with threats of worse punishments. That realization and Olga's last visit had been all it had taken to get the fire raging beneath him again. She would do things his way.
Monday morning he'd decided to "set some rules". He grabbed Helga by the throat, pinned her up against the wall, and "explained" to her the way things were going to be from now on, until she started to turn purple. Then he released her and told her to get ready for her first day of school. She'd worn a turtleneck that day.
That was three days ago. She hadn't told anyone about it until yesterday. She had thought it would pass, but instead, it seemed to be getting worse. She told Phoebe in total confidence the night before over the phone. Well, she began to tell her. She started with some of the little things Bob had started doing to her again. Phoebe already knew about what Bob had done to Helga when she was little, so Helga figured she could trust Phoebe not not say anything. However, before she could really tell Phoebe anything important, Phoebe got another phone call and hung up with Helga.
Helga had thought it was weird, but didn't attach much importance to it. She'd had more pressing matters on her mind, like the sound of Bob pounding on her locked door while Mirriam yelled at him to keep it down from their bedroom.
She should have paid more attention.
Today she had tried to talk to Phoebe, all day in fact, but Phoebe was getting more popular. Helga had been working since they were three to build Phoebe's confidence without ruining who she already was. It had been hard at times, Phoebe was so smart and shy that it wasn't easy to bring her out of her shell. The only way Helga could seem to get Phoebe to tell her what she wanted was to try to be so bossy that Phoebe would retaliate. It seemed to be working, though. Phoebe seemed to be branching out. She was more willing to talk to other people, and she was starting to make her own friends. Helga was actually proud of her. She had thought Phoebe understood all this.
Apparently not. Today at the ball game after school, everything had exploded. Helga had been a little desperate. She was starting to fall into a depression, and she recognized the signs. She was hoping Phoebe could bump her out of it, as she had before. She just really needed to *talk* to someone she knew she could trust. She was in danger of breaking.
But Phoebe hadn't wanted to talk. She wanted to stay with the others, she wanted to play and be a normal kid. Helga wasn't ready for that. She wasn't used to Phoebe having her own social life - without her. They'd been best friends since preschool and she hadn't thought about things changing.
Helga swallowed a sigh as she thought about what happened next.
She'd been half crazy at that point. She was falling apart and she needed help. For once, Phoebe hadn't understood. When Helga ordered her to come as usual, she'd stood her ground and refused. Helga had tried to order her again, and when it still didn't work, she'd pleaded.
After Phoebe refused a third time, Helga's pride kicked in and she began to come back to her senses. Her hurt at the rejection of the one person who actually cared about her overtook what her family was putting her through. She felt herself turning to stone, unfeeling, uncaring. She stood up straight, and looked Phoebe in the eye. Emotionless and cold, she held contact for a moment, then she broke eye contact and walked away as calmly as she could.
She hadn't known what she was doing. She had never thought she'd be ending a friendship that had lasted over six years that afternoon. At that point she couldn't think.
Phoebe hadn't followed Helga, and as soon as she was out of sight, Helga had broken into a stumbling run. Somehow she ended up in the park two hours later. She sat against a tree and looked up at the sky. It was too bright, too... perfectly blue. She hated it, loathed it. She wanted rain. She wanted it to soak her through, to make her sick, anything to show that *something* could understand how she felt.
Her head was spinning painfully. She couldn't get over Phoebe's rejection. It was too much for her to deal with. Too much on top of everything else. Phoebe shouldn't have done it, she should have just come, she should have known Helga needed her! She was getting angrier and angrier.
At that moment Phoebe had shown up, along with most of the rest of the gang. Helga couldn't remember what happened next, but it didn't matter, she remembered what was important. Harold had decided to tease her, and Helga couldn't take it.
Seething with fury she'd turned cold, hatred-filled eyes on the entire group. "Don't ever talk to me again!" She'd hissed.
"Helga..." Phoebe had started. She hadn't finished. Helga had focused on her with the same look she had given the group. The only difference was her eyes now held a little hurt. Phoebe's words had died in her throat.
"Don't ever talk to me again," Helga had repeated, "Especially you!"
Then she left without another word. No one followed, either they were too scared or they just didn't care, it didn't matter which. They didn't come and that was all that had mattered.
Calm now, Helga sat and watched the water of the bay surge in and out. She'd done a lot of walking, a lot of running and had worked out a lot of her frustrations. Now she could think again. Now that she was empty and numb once again, she could think.
Regret. She regretted every word. But now, now she couldn't take them back, they were here to stay. Phoebe would never forgive her, and she could never forgive herself. The other kids, well now they finally had a reason never to have to deal with her again. She was completely alone.
Alone.
That word was so... It sounded so... It made her feel so...
...
She couldn't put it into words. She was barely thinking in words anymore. Somehow it all seemed a little extraneous. She knew in time her words would come back to her, but for now, all she could do was look at the sky and wish it wasn't so beautiful. Now she remembered another reason why she wished it would rain.
Maybe the rain would hide the tears streaming silently down her face.
The sun finished setting and darkness took over.
Helga went home. Big Bob met her at the door.
____________________
I'm not sure whether the next chapter will be from another perspective, but there will be more conversation in the next one.