THE CHALLENGING CHALLENGE
By The Pezman
"Student number 99999999999999999?" One of the ubiquitous garden faculty member dude....
things appeared out of thin air, addressing a nearby student. The student didn't respond. The
garden faculty member dude.... thing tried again. "Hey!"
"What?" responded a man in a black leather jacket with a scar across his face who stood 5'8".
"Garden Master NORG wants to... wait a minute! You're not Squall!" The garden faculty
member dude.... thing then walked off, but not before bumping into one of the pillars that held the
library corridor up. "Dammit! We have GOT to get some hats that let us see!"
"Geez," muttered Richard. "How could these guys be so ineffective in finding their own
students?"
The garden faculty member dude.... thing found Squall a bit later.
"Hey! Student number 999... WAH!!!!" The GFMD.... T was breaking garden's rules by running.
Unfortunately, his lack of vision caused him to trip and fall into the pool of water in the center of
the first floor of garden. Squall either didn't notice or didn't care, but either way he kept on
walking. The GFMD... T eventually pulled himself out of the drink and waited. He knew Squall
was on NPC mode right now, and that he'd keep walking around the hallway, as all NPCs in that
area did. Sure enough, Squall soon completed his revolution around the fountain and could be
seen again. "Hey! You didn't help a garden faculty member dude.... thing in trouble! That's a
violation of garden rule #4959784567001!"
"So's speeding," Squall answered nonchalantly, knowing full well that the garden rules only
numbered to 1000.
The next sound the GMFD.... T made was uninterpretable, but it sounded like this: "Grrrragh!"
"What do you want?" Squall asked. "I have a lot of NPC walking to do."
"Garden Master NORG wishes to see you."
"Y'know, I've always wondered this. What's with the emphasis on Norg?"
"It's not emphasis. He just always has his name in capital letters. So we verbally recognize it by
saying NORG a bit louder than the rest of the sentence. You try. NORG."
Squall just stared at this overly-talkative GFMD... T. "I will do that the day Zell and Raijin make
out passionately on a cafeteria table."
"Who?"
Squall sighed. He hated speaking in garden-facultese. "Students number 7874936936141294 and
number 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001."
"Oooooooh!" exclaimed the GFMD... T in realization. Then, after thinking about it for a
moment, he recoiled back in disgust. "Ewwwwwwwwwwwww!"
"Anyway, should I get Rinoa and Quistis?"
"No. Only the leader of the get-Balamb-Garden-in-trouble.... err, Sorceress Assassination mission
should come."
"You sure? Cuz Selphie, Zell, and Irvine are off in the missile base that launched those missiles. I
have no idea if they're alright or if I'll ever see them again, and..."
"No, only the leader should..."
"I heard the base exploded. D'you think they're al..."
"NO!!! ONLY YOU!!! JUST YOU!!!! SOLAMENTE TU!!!! CON NON OTROS!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" The GFMD.... T then ran off in a
blind rage, quickly falling back into the fountain.
(A/N: The last two lines were bad Spanish for "Only you!!!!. With no one else!!!!!" )
Squall stared momentarily, then allowed himself an uncharacteristic chuckle. One less GMFD....
T he'd have to deal with from now on. Now that he had a place to go, he found himself in PC
mode once again. He decided to wait, as he was well aware that whenever he showed up, he'd be
right on time. So he chilled in the cafeteria, read in the library, played Triple Triad, slept for three
years straight, and finally remembered in the cobwebbed section of his mind that Garden Master
NORG wanted to see him.
"GRRR!!! YOU MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKER SON OF A BITCH ASSHOLE TURD
BREATH!!!" Headmaster Cid Kramer was talking trash to a GFMD.... T. It picked him up,
threw him on the ground, and walked away. Squall walked over to Cid.
"This is FFVIII, not FFVII. You're not Cid Highwind anymore."
"I know. Sometimes even old men like me lose their temper. If anyone wants me, I'll
mysteriously vanish until after your conversation with NORG. Then I'll be in the infirmary." Cid
walked into the elevator and took it up.
Squall then decided he didn't want to talk to NORG right now. So he fought monsters in the
training center and got up to level 100, ate all the hot dogs the garden had and slept for ten more
years.
"BLIBBITYBLOBBITYBLOOMBLOOMBLOOM!!!" the yellow mass in the metal pod
breathed. Squall had finally come to see the bloated bureaucrat.
"When Master NORG summons you, be sure to be there in negative ten seconds!" advised a
GFMD.... T. " I was only there in negative four, and look at me now!"
Squall looked the GFMD.... T up and down. He didn't seem out of the ordinary in any way.
"There's nothing wrong with you."
"I know. I just wanted you to look at me."
"O-kaaaaaaaaay...." muttered the scarred man, now in more ways than one.
"GIVE-YOUR-REPORT-ON-THE-SORCERESS!!!!!" bellowed the thing from which dialogue
accents for both Zoah and Grobyc were taken.
"We..."
"YOU-MUST-DIE!!!! THIS-IS-MY-GARDEN!!!! YOU'RE-TRYING-TO-TAKE-IT-AWAY-
FROM-ME!!!! CID-AND-EDEA-ARE-MARRIED!!! MARTINE-USED-YOU!!! OKAY!! I-
THINK-I-COVERED-ALL-OF-THE-PLOT-POINTS!!! LET'S-FIGHT!!!!"
"Hmmm," muttered one of the GFMD... T to another. "Do you think we're going to be needed
anymore?"
"Why would we?" the other responded. "As soon as it changes to battle mode, we get one line
and then we vanish." As if on cue, the swirly-gig happened, and everyone appeared as slightly
less well-rendered polygon combinations.
"You'll never defeat Garden Master NORG!" exclaimed one, and was promptly not there
anymore.
"Yeah!" added another. He was gone in 1/60th of a second.
"Y'know...." started one GFMD.... T, but he couldn't finish because he started to fade out. "Hey,
c'mon! That wasn't even a sentence! I just paused for dramatic...." But then he faded out
completely.
"NOW-THAT-THEY'RE-GONE-WE-CAN-BATTLE!" NORG's pod closed, concealing the
fatass. "NOW-TO-GIVE-AWAY-THE-METHOD-TO-DEFEAT-ME!!!!" he forewarned Squall.
Sometime later....
"NO!!!! HOW-CAN-THIS-BE?!?!?! I'M-AFRAID-OF-YOU!!!!" NORG shuddered violently at
being beaten, but instead of collapsing into the pod, he leaned outward, toward Squall. NORG
immediately fell out and opened his mouth to its full length in a cry of protest as he fell.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Squall's scream mimicked that of NORG's. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" He tried to run away, but
since he was still in battle mode, all he could do was run in place (in a battle where he knew he
couldn't escape, no less. He could hear that funky boss music perfectly) while NORG fell on top
of him.
There was a loud, earthquake-type sound that could be heard all throughout garden.
"Hey Rinoa! Did you hear that?" Quistis and Rinoa, both on NPC mode, were walking around
the first floor aimlessly, as NPCs did.
"Definitely! And since we heard it, it has to be some kind of confrontation!"
Quistis was already dragging her to the elevator. Unfortunately, they were still in NPC mode, so
they didn't get to waste time the way Squall did.
When they reached the basement, what a sight they saw! They saw NORG.... standing upright!!!!
They'd seen him do it in his Triple Triad Card, but that was just an obvious illustration.
"But..... how?!"
"EASY-MY-DEARS!!!! SQUALL-ALMOST-HAD-ME-DEFEATED-BUT-I-FELL-ON-HIM.
MY-MOUTH-WAS-OPEN-AT-THE-TIME-AND-I-UNINTENTIONALLY-SWALLOWED-
HIM. BUT-THAT-INEXPLICABLY-GAVE-ME-FULL-HEALTH-AND-POWERS-TO-
BOOT!!! HE-WAS-WORTH-PLENTY-OF-EXP-AND-AP-AS-WELL!"
"You want whipped cream with that?" joked Rinoa. But, after a few seconds, she realized one
tiny detail of NORG's explanation that she'd overlooked.
"Omigod!!! SQUALL?!?!?!?!?!"
"YES!"
And he wasn't even a boss?!!"
"UHHHHH-I-GUESS-NOT. I-DID-GET-BOTH-EXP-AND-AP-OFF-HIM....."
"Really," interjected Quistis. "This sounds too stupid to be true. You eat some guy and suddenly
you have magical powers? Next you'll be telling me you can summon creatures from different
games!"
"Y'KNOW-I-DON'T-SEE-WHY-YOU'RE-SO-SURPRISED. WE-LIVE-IN-A-WORLD-
WHERE-A-TON-OF-NONSENSICAL-STUFF-GOES-ON-AND-WE-DON'T-GIVE-ANY-OF-
IT-A-SECOND-THOUGHT."
"Like what?"
"HOW-ABOUT-FINDING-OUT-A-CHILDHOOD-FRIEND-HAS-SOME-CRAZY-POWER-
TO-SEND-YOU-ALL-BACK-IN-TIME-FIGHTING-UFO-SHIPS-THAT CARRY-COWS-
AROUND-CHATTING-WITH-SOME-MONSTER-IN-THE-BOTTOM-OF-A-LAKE-AND-
NOT-GIVING-ANY-OF-IT-A-SECOND-THOUGHT?"
"Well aren't those things normal everywhere?" inquired Quistis.
"Y'know...." interrupted Rinoa. "There's one thing Squall definitely needs."
"HELP?" suggested Quistis through clenched teeth.
"No, a stylist. It's just not in style to get swallowed by Shumi. I thought he knew that."
Quistis looked at her strangely. "I don't think Squall MEANT to be swallowed."
"He still needs one."
Quistis just sighed and smacked her forehead.
"ENOUGH-TALK!!! WE-WILL-FIGHT!!!!"
"Why?" asked Rinoa.
"UMMMM...." NORG was temporarily at a loss for words. "YOU-PISSED-ME-OFF!!!
NOW-DIE!!!" The swirly-gig appeared once again, setting the three of them up for battle.
NORG formed a ball of energy in his hands and shot it at Rinoa, simultaneously shouting
"PSYCHO-BLAST!" It hit dead on.
"That hurt! He's right, he DOES have powers!" Rinoa exclaimed.
"No, that doesn't prove anything! He could do that from the beginning!"
"I-COULD?!"
"Yes, you could."
"GEEZ-WHY-DIDN'T-YOU-TELL-ME-THAT-DURING-MY-FIGHT-WITH-SQUALL?"
Quistis' only response was to grunt in exasperation. "ANYWAY-DIE!!!!" NORG roared as he
jumped into the air.
"My mistake, Rinoa," Quistis admitted. "He DOES have powers. No way he could have done
that under any other circumstances!"
"BANZAI!!!!!" NORG came crashing down upon the two of them. He then rolled off, leaving
the two of them hurting.
"He crushed my spinal cord!" Rinoa wailed.
"That's ok. That only translates to about 1000 damage, and you can keep fighting as if nothing
happened!" Quistis assured. Sure enough, except for some pretty numbers flashing through the
air, the women were fine.
"SO-BACK-FOR-MORE-EH?! WELL-I-HAVE-PLENTY-OF-POWERS-LEFT!!! I-
SUMMON-FAT-CHOCOBO!!!!" A large, rotund bird quickly that would have given chubby
chocobo a run for its money fell out of nowhere and landed on NORG. In typical summon
fashion, the yellow ball vanished as quickly as it had come. "OW!!" proclaimed NORG
unceremoniously. "HOW-THE-HELL-DO-YOU-CONTROL-THESE- DAMN-THINGS?!"
Evidently, he wasn't too happy about the fact that his GF landed on the wrong party.
"Silly Shumi," Rinoa admonished. "GFs are for kids! Or at least for teenagers fighting on our
side."
"GRRRRR. WELL-IN-THAT-CASE-CHEW-ON-THIS!!!! JUMP!!!" And this time NORG
leapt even higher into the air, so he didn't come down on top of them immediately.
"Great, this idiot is a dragoon too?" exclaimed Quistis.
"A what?" asked her companion. But Quistis didn't answer. NORG had come down to earth....
on her.
"AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! THE PAIN!!! THE PAIN!!!!
IT'S LIKE SOMEONE DID 9999 DAMAGE TO ME.... SIX TIMES!!"
Rinoa was indignant. "Really, Quistis, if I ask you a question, you could at least answer."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!" NORG then rolled off again, leaving Quistis in worse shape
than ever. "Rinoa!" she rasped. "I'm only at 7 health. I'm trying the triangle trick, but I'm not
getting my limit break. I could really use a....."
"Quisty." Rinoa leaned down to her partner, who appeared to be in great pain on the floor. "I'm
gonna try and slice his stomach open with my pinwheel so I can free Squally." She ran up to
NORG and prepared to fire.
"Were you listening at all to what I said?" Quistis managed to scream. But it was useless. As
usual.
"Hey NORGy, I hope you have a ripping good time!" Rinoa affectionately threatened as she let
her pinwheel fly.
"A ripping good time? That doesn't even make any sense!" exclaimed Quistis, forgetting about
her near-KO'ed situation for a second.
"YES-A-RIPPING-GOOD-TIME? YOU-REALLY-NEED-TO-THINK-OF-MORE...." NORG
was cut off as the pinwheel blade sliced right into his stomach. But, shamefully, Rinoa had
forgotten that real-world physics didn't apply in battle mode. Instead of NORG's guts spilling all
over the place like she wanted, white numbers flashed in front of NORG. "HO-HO-HO-HO-
HO!!" he laughed in typical Jabba-the-Hutt fashion. "OUI'MM-RYJA-DU-TU-PADDAN-
DRYH-DRYD-DU-VNAA-CAPTAIN-SOLO!"
"What?"
"THAT-WAS-SHUMI-FOR-'YOU'LL-HAVE-TO-DO-BETTER-THAN-THAT-TO-FREE-
SQUALL!'"
"Since when do Shumis have their own language? It sounded like Al Bhed to me! Though
'Captain Solo' is a pretty apt name for Squall..." Rinoa mused. Quistis' critical status was the
farthest thing from her mind as she continued to catch NORG's nonsensical statements.
"Rinoa!" yelled Quistis.
"Please, Quisty. I'm trying to act smart here!" the other woman assured. "If you want to talk to
me, just wait your turn."
Quistis was incredulous. Rinoa seemed to have forgotten that they were still in battle mode. It
was true that no one could act during a conversation in battle, but how long did she plan on doing
this? "Wake up, bitch! Get on the program, dammit!" Quistis would never have called anyone a
bitch under normal circumstances, but Rinoa's current attitude to their situation, as well as
Squall's, was pushing her over the edge.
"WHAT did you call me?" Suddenly Rinoa's eyes were all aflame. "Fanfic writers have been
making fun of me all my game life! I've been called an idiot, a moron, a ditz, a whore, a bitch, but
NEVER a bitch!" Rinoa paused for a second. "Wait a minute...."
"HAH! You dumb fuck!" sneered Quistis. Although she was confined to the floor in her critical
position, Quistis felt good being on top. For once. But then she pushed it too far. "I can't figure
out what Squall sees in you!"
"If I'm lucky," thought NORG (in grammatically correct sentences), "these two will finish each
other off for me!"
Rinoa was still and silent. It was as if someone had cast the "petrify-without-turning-gray" (also
known as the "stop") spell on her. "DON'T YOU EVER BRING SQUALL INTO THIS!!!! AT
LEAST HE SEES SOMETHING IN ME, UNLIKE YOU! HE NEVER TOLD ME TO TALK
TO A WALL!!!"
"HEY-YOU'RE-GOOD!" NORG interjected. "WITH-A-BIT-OF-TRAINING-YOU-COULD-
TALK-JUST-LIKE-ME!"
Rinoa had her weak point at being made fun of by writers. Quistis had her's at the whole "wall"
thing. "That's it! I'm taking you down!" She stood up and used her whip on Rinoa's pinwheel,
flicking it away. The pinwheel suffered 400 points of damage and was KO'ed.
"YOU-KO'ED-MY-PINWHEEL!!!!" bellowed Rinoa. "NOW-YOU'RE-GONNA-GET-IT!!!!"
"YOU'RE-REALLY-GOOD!" interrupted NORG again. "YOU-COULD-PROBABLY-
TEACH-ME-A-FEW-THINGS!"
Rinoa punched Quistis for a good 10 points of damage. However, everyone except the author
had forgotten that Quistis was still in her critical state of 7 health, and was thus KO'ed as well.
Suddenly, a new voice rang out at a huge volume. Louder than NORG. Louder than Zell. Even
louder than Rinoa when she was pissed off. "STOP EVERYTHING!" Sephiroth, Aeris and Tifa
walked into the room from out of nowhere (actually, from out of the elevator). Tifa and Aeris
were in their eternal game clothes, but Sephiroth was in a gray business suit and carrying a
briefcase. He briskly set the briefcase down, opened it and pulled out a table. He placed the
table, which somehow already had stacks of neat, organized papers on it, on the floor. He then
pulled out a phoenix down and threw it at Quistis. It took effect, and she got up.
"I'm sorry," Sephiroth said. "But this cannot continue. I have the copyright information of Final
Fantasy VII right here...." He paused to pick up a stack of papers. "Which states as follows:
'Final Fantasy VII reserves all rights to rivalries between any and all female A and any and all
female B for possession of any and all male C within any and all video games.'"
Rinoa, Quistis and NORG just stared blankly at the newcomers for a minute. Then they began to
get a notion. A notion so horrible, so despicably evil, that it took all of their energy just to
consider it.
"Are you....." started Quistis, but she found it too painful to continue.
"A....a.... lawyer?" choked Rinoa. Sephiroth hung his head wordlessly.
"Yes," whispered Aeris, smiling sadly. "I'm afraid he is."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" screamed Quistis. The
thought was simply too much to bear.
"We're keeping it under strict wraps," assured Aeris.
"HO-HO-HO-HO-HO!!!" chuckled NORG. "IMAGINE-WHAT-ALL-HIS-FANGIRLS-
WOULD-SAY-IF-THEY-KNEW!!!" Upon hearing this, Sephiroth slumped over the table and
began to cry, being sure not to mess up the papers.
"Basically," Tifa summarized, "only Aeris and I are allowed to do what you're doing. Sorry."
Sephiroth stood up and dried his tears. He then put his table back in his briefcase. He then
approached Quistis. "I'm sorry miss, but I must leave everything the way I found it." He reached
into his suit and pulled out his Masamune. He then struck Quistis with it, KO'ing her once again.
"Come on," he beckoned to his comrades. "Our work here is done."
"Yes, I would like to get back!" Aeris exclaimed as the three of them walked toward the elevator.
"I really want to see Cloud!"
"What do you mean YOU want to see Cloud?! He loves me and you know it!"
"He loves the melons under your shirt! But I know they're surgical!"
"You're just jealous!"
"Are not!"
Sephiroth sighed, put his Masamune back in his suit, and took out two earplugs. He put them
both in one ear. Then he took out two more earplugs and put them in his other ear. All three of
them got in, and the elevator went up. As it rose, a small explosion rocked from within. Rinoa
and NORG were staring long after the elevator had risen out of sight.
"Sephiroth, a lawyer," murmured Rinoa. "Who knew? Oh my god! Quisty! Life!" Quistis got
up. "Cura!" shouted Rinoa.
Once Quistis got up, she looked at Rinoa strangely. Her eyes began to tear.
"Rinoa, you.... you helped me," Quistis murmured in an emotion-filled voice.
"Well DUH!!" Rinoa rolled her eyes. "If I'm not allowed to fight over Squall with you, it's not
gonna do me much good to leave you there! Life! Cura!" Her pinwheel returned to her hand,
and looked more battle-worthy than ever.
"Oh," muttered Quistis in an emotion-lacking voice. "I see then. Well, let's just beat this guy and
get it over it." And so they did. They each cast protect on themselves and pummeled NORG
with a barrage of magic and limit breaks. They gave no heed to what the other did, and
shouldered all attacks NORG gave them. Soon enough, NORG staggered backwards.
"AWWWWWW-CRAP!!! AND-JUST-WHEN-I-FELT-LIKE-WE-HAD-SOME-REAL-
BONDING-GOING-ON!" And with that, he fell over, KO'ed.
"Hey, we got some nice AP from this guy!" Quistis noticed. But Rinoa was concerned with the
still body of NORG. She ran up to it and, thanks to the true-to-world physics that occurred
outside of battle, successfully sliced its stomach open. Without a second thought, Rinoa dug her
hands in NORG's entrails. Large as NORG was, it wasn't long before Rinoa found Squall and
pulled him out, along with his gunblade.
"Oh no!" she exclaimed. "Squall's not breathing! I'll have to give him CPR!" She bent close to
his intestinal-fluid-covered face.
"Don't even think about it!" yelled Quistis. "He's breathing just...." But she caught herself. The
painful sight of Sephiroth in a business suit outweighed even her frustration at this whole
situation. And without another thought, Rinoa performed "CPR" on Squall.
"So that's what happened, huh?" Squall, having washed and recovered from the nightmare of
NORG's innards, listened to Rinoa's and Quistis' story.
"Yup! NORG ate you and I rescued you!" Rinoa proclaimed happily.
"You AND me!" Quistis interjected. Fortunately, this didn't warrant Sephiroth's return.
"Yeah, whatever," responded Rinoa. She looked at him hopefully to see if he'd be proud she was
using his word.
"The interesting thing is," said Quistis, to keep Rinoa from finding out, "is that when we were
working together, we ended up doing more TALKING THAN FIGHTING!" These last three
words she raised her voice at, and also leaned toward Rinoa as she them. "But when we each
fought as a single unit and didn't acknowledge the other's presence, NORG fell in no time."
"I guess there's a moral here," Rinoa ventured.
"It's what I've been trying to show everyone all these years!" Squall explained. "Don't rely on
others. Usually they'll do something wrong." Rinoa and Quistis stared each other in the eye with
intense, yet censored, hatred.
"Okay Squall! From now on, I won't rely on anyone! I'll be just like you! I'll be introverted and
self-centered!"
She got up and walked with Squall, hand in hand, out the door. Quistis slammed her fist on the
table. "Somehow...." she muttered. "I think the moral of this story got screwed up."
EPILOGUE
"Oh boy! We're finally at Nibelheim! I"m sure Cloud is anxious to see me!"
"Why would he be anxious to see you? He got to see you for the next two discs! He hasn't seen
me nearly that long!"
"All the better for him," the other replied. "Plus, we had that blackout at the end of Disc 2! What
do you think we DID during it?"
Aeris and Tifa walked towards Cloud's house. Sephiroth had dropped them off, and for some
reason he seemed insistent on a quick goodbye. He had been out of sight in three seconds flat.
But the girls had paid it no heed. Presently, they opened the door and saw Cloud on the couch.
But he wasn't alone. He had his arm around a girl.
"Hey guys!" he said they walked through the door. "This is my new friend. Her name is Quis..."
Aeris and Tifa were upon her faster than two hounds upon a carcass. A three-way catfight
formed in the middle of Cloud's living room (which he was watching intently).
"Ahhhhhhhh!" thought Quistis amidst punches and next-morning bruises. "Finally, a chance to
FIGHT for my man!"
By The Pezman
"Student number 99999999999999999?" One of the ubiquitous garden faculty member dude....
things appeared out of thin air, addressing a nearby student. The student didn't respond. The
garden faculty member dude.... thing tried again. "Hey!"
"What?" responded a man in a black leather jacket with a scar across his face who stood 5'8".
"Garden Master NORG wants to... wait a minute! You're not Squall!" The garden faculty
member dude.... thing then walked off, but not before bumping into one of the pillars that held the
library corridor up. "Dammit! We have GOT to get some hats that let us see!"
"Geez," muttered Richard. "How could these guys be so ineffective in finding their own
students?"
The garden faculty member dude.... thing found Squall a bit later.
"Hey! Student number 999... WAH!!!!" The GFMD.... T was breaking garden's rules by running.
Unfortunately, his lack of vision caused him to trip and fall into the pool of water in the center of
the first floor of garden. Squall either didn't notice or didn't care, but either way he kept on
walking. The GFMD... T eventually pulled himself out of the drink and waited. He knew Squall
was on NPC mode right now, and that he'd keep walking around the hallway, as all NPCs in that
area did. Sure enough, Squall soon completed his revolution around the fountain and could be
seen again. "Hey! You didn't help a garden faculty member dude.... thing in trouble! That's a
violation of garden rule #4959784567001!"
"So's speeding," Squall answered nonchalantly, knowing full well that the garden rules only
numbered to 1000.
The next sound the GMFD.... T made was uninterpretable, but it sounded like this: "Grrrragh!"
"What do you want?" Squall asked. "I have a lot of NPC walking to do."
"Garden Master NORG wishes to see you."
"Y'know, I've always wondered this. What's with the emphasis on Norg?"
"It's not emphasis. He just always has his name in capital letters. So we verbally recognize it by
saying NORG a bit louder than the rest of the sentence. You try. NORG."
Squall just stared at this overly-talkative GFMD... T. "I will do that the day Zell and Raijin make
out passionately on a cafeteria table."
"Who?"
Squall sighed. He hated speaking in garden-facultese. "Students number 7874936936141294 and
number 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001."
"Oooooooh!" exclaimed the GFMD... T in realization. Then, after thinking about it for a
moment, he recoiled back in disgust. "Ewwwwwwwwwwwww!"
"Anyway, should I get Rinoa and Quistis?"
"No. Only the leader of the get-Balamb-Garden-in-trouble.... err, Sorceress Assassination mission
should come."
"You sure? Cuz Selphie, Zell, and Irvine are off in the missile base that launched those missiles. I
have no idea if they're alright or if I'll ever see them again, and..."
"No, only the leader should..."
"I heard the base exploded. D'you think they're al..."
"NO!!! ONLY YOU!!! JUST YOU!!!! SOLAMENTE TU!!!! CON NON OTROS!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" The GFMD.... T then ran off in a
blind rage, quickly falling back into the fountain.
(A/N: The last two lines were bad Spanish for "Only you!!!!. With no one else!!!!!" )
Squall stared momentarily, then allowed himself an uncharacteristic chuckle. One less GMFD....
T he'd have to deal with from now on. Now that he had a place to go, he found himself in PC
mode once again. He decided to wait, as he was well aware that whenever he showed up, he'd be
right on time. So he chilled in the cafeteria, read in the library, played Triple Triad, slept for three
years straight, and finally remembered in the cobwebbed section of his mind that Garden Master
NORG wanted to see him.
"GRRR!!! YOU MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKER SON OF A BITCH ASSHOLE TURD
BREATH!!!" Headmaster Cid Kramer was talking trash to a GFMD.... T. It picked him up,
threw him on the ground, and walked away. Squall walked over to Cid.
"This is FFVIII, not FFVII. You're not Cid Highwind anymore."
"I know. Sometimes even old men like me lose their temper. If anyone wants me, I'll
mysteriously vanish until after your conversation with NORG. Then I'll be in the infirmary." Cid
walked into the elevator and took it up.
Squall then decided he didn't want to talk to NORG right now. So he fought monsters in the
training center and got up to level 100, ate all the hot dogs the garden had and slept for ten more
years.
"BLIBBITYBLOBBITYBLOOMBLOOMBLOOM!!!" the yellow mass in the metal pod
breathed. Squall had finally come to see the bloated bureaucrat.
"When Master NORG summons you, be sure to be there in negative ten seconds!" advised a
GFMD.... T. " I was only there in negative four, and look at me now!"
Squall looked the GFMD.... T up and down. He didn't seem out of the ordinary in any way.
"There's nothing wrong with you."
"I know. I just wanted you to look at me."
"O-kaaaaaaaaay...." muttered the scarred man, now in more ways than one.
"GIVE-YOUR-REPORT-ON-THE-SORCERESS!!!!!" bellowed the thing from which dialogue
accents for both Zoah and Grobyc were taken.
"We..."
"YOU-MUST-DIE!!!! THIS-IS-MY-GARDEN!!!! YOU'RE-TRYING-TO-TAKE-IT-AWAY-
FROM-ME!!!! CID-AND-EDEA-ARE-MARRIED!!! MARTINE-USED-YOU!!! OKAY!! I-
THINK-I-COVERED-ALL-OF-THE-PLOT-POINTS!!! LET'S-FIGHT!!!!"
"Hmmm," muttered one of the GFMD... T to another. "Do you think we're going to be needed
anymore?"
"Why would we?" the other responded. "As soon as it changes to battle mode, we get one line
and then we vanish." As if on cue, the swirly-gig happened, and everyone appeared as slightly
less well-rendered polygon combinations.
"You'll never defeat Garden Master NORG!" exclaimed one, and was promptly not there
anymore.
"Yeah!" added another. He was gone in 1/60th of a second.
"Y'know...." started one GFMD.... T, but he couldn't finish because he started to fade out. "Hey,
c'mon! That wasn't even a sentence! I just paused for dramatic...." But then he faded out
completely.
"NOW-THAT-THEY'RE-GONE-WE-CAN-BATTLE!" NORG's pod closed, concealing the
fatass. "NOW-TO-GIVE-AWAY-THE-METHOD-TO-DEFEAT-ME!!!!" he forewarned Squall.
Sometime later....
"NO!!!! HOW-CAN-THIS-BE?!?!?! I'M-AFRAID-OF-YOU!!!!" NORG shuddered violently at
being beaten, but instead of collapsing into the pod, he leaned outward, toward Squall. NORG
immediately fell out and opened his mouth to its full length in a cry of protest as he fell.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Squall's scream mimicked that of NORG's. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" He tried to run away, but
since he was still in battle mode, all he could do was run in place (in a battle where he knew he
couldn't escape, no less. He could hear that funky boss music perfectly) while NORG fell on top
of him.
There was a loud, earthquake-type sound that could be heard all throughout garden.
"Hey Rinoa! Did you hear that?" Quistis and Rinoa, both on NPC mode, were walking around
the first floor aimlessly, as NPCs did.
"Definitely! And since we heard it, it has to be some kind of confrontation!"
Quistis was already dragging her to the elevator. Unfortunately, they were still in NPC mode, so
they didn't get to waste time the way Squall did.
When they reached the basement, what a sight they saw! They saw NORG.... standing upright!!!!
They'd seen him do it in his Triple Triad Card, but that was just an obvious illustration.
"But..... how?!"
"EASY-MY-DEARS!!!! SQUALL-ALMOST-HAD-ME-DEFEATED-BUT-I-FELL-ON-HIM.
MY-MOUTH-WAS-OPEN-AT-THE-TIME-AND-I-UNINTENTIONALLY-SWALLOWED-
HIM. BUT-THAT-INEXPLICABLY-GAVE-ME-FULL-HEALTH-AND-POWERS-TO-
BOOT!!! HE-WAS-WORTH-PLENTY-OF-EXP-AND-AP-AS-WELL!"
"You want whipped cream with that?" joked Rinoa. But, after a few seconds, she realized one
tiny detail of NORG's explanation that she'd overlooked.
"Omigod!!! SQUALL?!?!?!?!?!"
"YES!"
And he wasn't even a boss?!!"
"UHHHHH-I-GUESS-NOT. I-DID-GET-BOTH-EXP-AND-AP-OFF-HIM....."
"Really," interjected Quistis. "This sounds too stupid to be true. You eat some guy and suddenly
you have magical powers? Next you'll be telling me you can summon creatures from different
games!"
"Y'KNOW-I-DON'T-SEE-WHY-YOU'RE-SO-SURPRISED. WE-LIVE-IN-A-WORLD-
WHERE-A-TON-OF-NONSENSICAL-STUFF-GOES-ON-AND-WE-DON'T-GIVE-ANY-OF-
IT-A-SECOND-THOUGHT."
"Like what?"
"HOW-ABOUT-FINDING-OUT-A-CHILDHOOD-FRIEND-HAS-SOME-CRAZY-POWER-
TO-SEND-YOU-ALL-BACK-IN-TIME-FIGHTING-UFO-SHIPS-THAT CARRY-COWS-
AROUND-CHATTING-WITH-SOME-MONSTER-IN-THE-BOTTOM-OF-A-LAKE-AND-
NOT-GIVING-ANY-OF-IT-A-SECOND-THOUGHT?"
"Well aren't those things normal everywhere?" inquired Quistis.
"Y'know...." interrupted Rinoa. "There's one thing Squall definitely needs."
"HELP?" suggested Quistis through clenched teeth.
"No, a stylist. It's just not in style to get swallowed by Shumi. I thought he knew that."
Quistis looked at her strangely. "I don't think Squall MEANT to be swallowed."
"He still needs one."
Quistis just sighed and smacked her forehead.
"ENOUGH-TALK!!! WE-WILL-FIGHT!!!!"
"Why?" asked Rinoa.
"UMMMM...." NORG was temporarily at a loss for words. "YOU-PISSED-ME-OFF!!!
NOW-DIE!!!" The swirly-gig appeared once again, setting the three of them up for battle.
NORG formed a ball of energy in his hands and shot it at Rinoa, simultaneously shouting
"PSYCHO-BLAST!" It hit dead on.
"That hurt! He's right, he DOES have powers!" Rinoa exclaimed.
"No, that doesn't prove anything! He could do that from the beginning!"
"I-COULD?!"
"Yes, you could."
"GEEZ-WHY-DIDN'T-YOU-TELL-ME-THAT-DURING-MY-FIGHT-WITH-SQUALL?"
Quistis' only response was to grunt in exasperation. "ANYWAY-DIE!!!!" NORG roared as he
jumped into the air.
"My mistake, Rinoa," Quistis admitted. "He DOES have powers. No way he could have done
that under any other circumstances!"
"BANZAI!!!!!" NORG came crashing down upon the two of them. He then rolled off, leaving
the two of them hurting.
"He crushed my spinal cord!" Rinoa wailed.
"That's ok. That only translates to about 1000 damage, and you can keep fighting as if nothing
happened!" Quistis assured. Sure enough, except for some pretty numbers flashing through the
air, the women were fine.
"SO-BACK-FOR-MORE-EH?! WELL-I-HAVE-PLENTY-OF-POWERS-LEFT!!! I-
SUMMON-FAT-CHOCOBO!!!!" A large, rotund bird quickly that would have given chubby
chocobo a run for its money fell out of nowhere and landed on NORG. In typical summon
fashion, the yellow ball vanished as quickly as it had come. "OW!!" proclaimed NORG
unceremoniously. "HOW-THE-HELL-DO-YOU-CONTROL-THESE- DAMN-THINGS?!"
Evidently, he wasn't too happy about the fact that his GF landed on the wrong party.
"Silly Shumi," Rinoa admonished. "GFs are for kids! Or at least for teenagers fighting on our
side."
"GRRRRR. WELL-IN-THAT-CASE-CHEW-ON-THIS!!!! JUMP!!!" And this time NORG
leapt even higher into the air, so he didn't come down on top of them immediately.
"Great, this idiot is a dragoon too?" exclaimed Quistis.
"A what?" asked her companion. But Quistis didn't answer. NORG had come down to earth....
on her.
"AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! THE PAIN!!! THE PAIN!!!!
IT'S LIKE SOMEONE DID 9999 DAMAGE TO ME.... SIX TIMES!!"
Rinoa was indignant. "Really, Quistis, if I ask you a question, you could at least answer."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!" NORG then rolled off again, leaving Quistis in worse shape
than ever. "Rinoa!" she rasped. "I'm only at 7 health. I'm trying the triangle trick, but I'm not
getting my limit break. I could really use a....."
"Quisty." Rinoa leaned down to her partner, who appeared to be in great pain on the floor. "I'm
gonna try and slice his stomach open with my pinwheel so I can free Squally." She ran up to
NORG and prepared to fire.
"Were you listening at all to what I said?" Quistis managed to scream. But it was useless. As
usual.
"Hey NORGy, I hope you have a ripping good time!" Rinoa affectionately threatened as she let
her pinwheel fly.
"A ripping good time? That doesn't even make any sense!" exclaimed Quistis, forgetting about
her near-KO'ed situation for a second.
"YES-A-RIPPING-GOOD-TIME? YOU-REALLY-NEED-TO-THINK-OF-MORE...." NORG
was cut off as the pinwheel blade sliced right into his stomach. But, shamefully, Rinoa had
forgotten that real-world physics didn't apply in battle mode. Instead of NORG's guts spilling all
over the place like she wanted, white numbers flashed in front of NORG. "HO-HO-HO-HO-
HO!!" he laughed in typical Jabba-the-Hutt fashion. "OUI'MM-RYJA-DU-TU-PADDAN-
DRYH-DRYD-DU-VNAA-CAPTAIN-SOLO!"
"What?"
"THAT-WAS-SHUMI-FOR-'YOU'LL-HAVE-TO-DO-BETTER-THAN-THAT-TO-FREE-
SQUALL!'"
"Since when do Shumis have their own language? It sounded like Al Bhed to me! Though
'Captain Solo' is a pretty apt name for Squall..." Rinoa mused. Quistis' critical status was the
farthest thing from her mind as she continued to catch NORG's nonsensical statements.
"Rinoa!" yelled Quistis.
"Please, Quisty. I'm trying to act smart here!" the other woman assured. "If you want to talk to
me, just wait your turn."
Quistis was incredulous. Rinoa seemed to have forgotten that they were still in battle mode. It
was true that no one could act during a conversation in battle, but how long did she plan on doing
this? "Wake up, bitch! Get on the program, dammit!" Quistis would never have called anyone a
bitch under normal circumstances, but Rinoa's current attitude to their situation, as well as
Squall's, was pushing her over the edge.
"WHAT did you call me?" Suddenly Rinoa's eyes were all aflame. "Fanfic writers have been
making fun of me all my game life! I've been called an idiot, a moron, a ditz, a whore, a bitch, but
NEVER a bitch!" Rinoa paused for a second. "Wait a minute...."
"HAH! You dumb fuck!" sneered Quistis. Although she was confined to the floor in her critical
position, Quistis felt good being on top. For once. But then she pushed it too far. "I can't figure
out what Squall sees in you!"
"If I'm lucky," thought NORG (in grammatically correct sentences), "these two will finish each
other off for me!"
Rinoa was still and silent. It was as if someone had cast the "petrify-without-turning-gray" (also
known as the "stop") spell on her. "DON'T YOU EVER BRING SQUALL INTO THIS!!!! AT
LEAST HE SEES SOMETHING IN ME, UNLIKE YOU! HE NEVER TOLD ME TO TALK
TO A WALL!!!"
"HEY-YOU'RE-GOOD!" NORG interjected. "WITH-A-BIT-OF-TRAINING-YOU-COULD-
TALK-JUST-LIKE-ME!"
Rinoa had her weak point at being made fun of by writers. Quistis had her's at the whole "wall"
thing. "That's it! I'm taking you down!" She stood up and used her whip on Rinoa's pinwheel,
flicking it away. The pinwheel suffered 400 points of damage and was KO'ed.
"YOU-KO'ED-MY-PINWHEEL!!!!" bellowed Rinoa. "NOW-YOU'RE-GONNA-GET-IT!!!!"
"YOU'RE-REALLY-GOOD!" interrupted NORG again. "YOU-COULD-PROBABLY-
TEACH-ME-A-FEW-THINGS!"
Rinoa punched Quistis for a good 10 points of damage. However, everyone except the author
had forgotten that Quistis was still in her critical state of 7 health, and was thus KO'ed as well.
Suddenly, a new voice rang out at a huge volume. Louder than NORG. Louder than Zell. Even
louder than Rinoa when she was pissed off. "STOP EVERYTHING!" Sephiroth, Aeris and Tifa
walked into the room from out of nowhere (actually, from out of the elevator). Tifa and Aeris
were in their eternal game clothes, but Sephiroth was in a gray business suit and carrying a
briefcase. He briskly set the briefcase down, opened it and pulled out a table. He placed the
table, which somehow already had stacks of neat, organized papers on it, on the floor. He then
pulled out a phoenix down and threw it at Quistis. It took effect, and she got up.
"I'm sorry," Sephiroth said. "But this cannot continue. I have the copyright information of Final
Fantasy VII right here...." He paused to pick up a stack of papers. "Which states as follows:
'Final Fantasy VII reserves all rights to rivalries between any and all female A and any and all
female B for possession of any and all male C within any and all video games.'"
Rinoa, Quistis and NORG just stared blankly at the newcomers for a minute. Then they began to
get a notion. A notion so horrible, so despicably evil, that it took all of their energy just to
consider it.
"Are you....." started Quistis, but she found it too painful to continue.
"A....a.... lawyer?" choked Rinoa. Sephiroth hung his head wordlessly.
"Yes," whispered Aeris, smiling sadly. "I'm afraid he is."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" screamed Quistis. The
thought was simply too much to bear.
"We're keeping it under strict wraps," assured Aeris.
"HO-HO-HO-HO-HO!!!" chuckled NORG. "IMAGINE-WHAT-ALL-HIS-FANGIRLS-
WOULD-SAY-IF-THEY-KNEW!!!" Upon hearing this, Sephiroth slumped over the table and
began to cry, being sure not to mess up the papers.
"Basically," Tifa summarized, "only Aeris and I are allowed to do what you're doing. Sorry."
Sephiroth stood up and dried his tears. He then put his table back in his briefcase. He then
approached Quistis. "I'm sorry miss, but I must leave everything the way I found it." He reached
into his suit and pulled out his Masamune. He then struck Quistis with it, KO'ing her once again.
"Come on," he beckoned to his comrades. "Our work here is done."
"Yes, I would like to get back!" Aeris exclaimed as the three of them walked toward the elevator.
"I really want to see Cloud!"
"What do you mean YOU want to see Cloud?! He loves me and you know it!"
"He loves the melons under your shirt! But I know they're surgical!"
"You're just jealous!"
"Are not!"
Sephiroth sighed, put his Masamune back in his suit, and took out two earplugs. He put them
both in one ear. Then he took out two more earplugs and put them in his other ear. All three of
them got in, and the elevator went up. As it rose, a small explosion rocked from within. Rinoa
and NORG were staring long after the elevator had risen out of sight.
"Sephiroth, a lawyer," murmured Rinoa. "Who knew? Oh my god! Quisty! Life!" Quistis got
up. "Cura!" shouted Rinoa.
Once Quistis got up, she looked at Rinoa strangely. Her eyes began to tear.
"Rinoa, you.... you helped me," Quistis murmured in an emotion-filled voice.
"Well DUH!!" Rinoa rolled her eyes. "If I'm not allowed to fight over Squall with you, it's not
gonna do me much good to leave you there! Life! Cura!" Her pinwheel returned to her hand,
and looked more battle-worthy than ever.
"Oh," muttered Quistis in an emotion-lacking voice. "I see then. Well, let's just beat this guy and
get it over it." And so they did. They each cast protect on themselves and pummeled NORG
with a barrage of magic and limit breaks. They gave no heed to what the other did, and
shouldered all attacks NORG gave them. Soon enough, NORG staggered backwards.
"AWWWWWW-CRAP!!! AND-JUST-WHEN-I-FELT-LIKE-WE-HAD-SOME-REAL-
BONDING-GOING-ON!" And with that, he fell over, KO'ed.
"Hey, we got some nice AP from this guy!" Quistis noticed. But Rinoa was concerned with the
still body of NORG. She ran up to it and, thanks to the true-to-world physics that occurred
outside of battle, successfully sliced its stomach open. Without a second thought, Rinoa dug her
hands in NORG's entrails. Large as NORG was, it wasn't long before Rinoa found Squall and
pulled him out, along with his gunblade.
"Oh no!" she exclaimed. "Squall's not breathing! I'll have to give him CPR!" She bent close to
his intestinal-fluid-covered face.
"Don't even think about it!" yelled Quistis. "He's breathing just...." But she caught herself. The
painful sight of Sephiroth in a business suit outweighed even her frustration at this whole
situation. And without another thought, Rinoa performed "CPR" on Squall.
"So that's what happened, huh?" Squall, having washed and recovered from the nightmare of
NORG's innards, listened to Rinoa's and Quistis' story.
"Yup! NORG ate you and I rescued you!" Rinoa proclaimed happily.
"You AND me!" Quistis interjected. Fortunately, this didn't warrant Sephiroth's return.
"Yeah, whatever," responded Rinoa. She looked at him hopefully to see if he'd be proud she was
using his word.
"The interesting thing is," said Quistis, to keep Rinoa from finding out, "is that when we were
working together, we ended up doing more TALKING THAN FIGHTING!" These last three
words she raised her voice at, and also leaned toward Rinoa as she them. "But when we each
fought as a single unit and didn't acknowledge the other's presence, NORG fell in no time."
"I guess there's a moral here," Rinoa ventured.
"It's what I've been trying to show everyone all these years!" Squall explained. "Don't rely on
others. Usually they'll do something wrong." Rinoa and Quistis stared each other in the eye with
intense, yet censored, hatred.
"Okay Squall! From now on, I won't rely on anyone! I'll be just like you! I'll be introverted and
self-centered!"
She got up and walked with Squall, hand in hand, out the door. Quistis slammed her fist on the
table. "Somehow...." she muttered. "I think the moral of this story got screwed up."
EPILOGUE
"Oh boy! We're finally at Nibelheim! I"m sure Cloud is anxious to see me!"
"Why would he be anxious to see you? He got to see you for the next two discs! He hasn't seen
me nearly that long!"
"All the better for him," the other replied. "Plus, we had that blackout at the end of Disc 2! What
do you think we DID during it?"
Aeris and Tifa walked towards Cloud's house. Sephiroth had dropped them off, and for some
reason he seemed insistent on a quick goodbye. He had been out of sight in three seconds flat.
But the girls had paid it no heed. Presently, they opened the door and saw Cloud on the couch.
But he wasn't alone. He had his arm around a girl.
"Hey guys!" he said they walked through the door. "This is my new friend. Her name is Quis..."
Aeris and Tifa were upon her faster than two hounds upon a carcass. A three-way catfight
formed in the middle of Cloud's living room (which he was watching intently).
"Ahhhhhhhh!" thought Quistis amidst punches and next-morning bruises. "Finally, a chance to
FIGHT for my man!"