His heart never really was into the killings, despite his carefree attitude. It's not like it was easy for any of us, but for him, this was hard. He wasn't meant for this line of work. It made me want to scoop him up into my arms and shield him from everything bad. I wanted to save him from the world.
...Like the way he saved me...
...from myself...
Fallen Tears
::Aya and Youji Side Story::
Standard Disclaimers Apply
"I'm going out." My head snapped up from where I had been reading a book, my features already schooled into their customary scowl. My gaze settled on the lanky, blonde form making its way out the door.
"Where do you think you're going?" My voice came out cold, and I gave a mental wince at how much I sounded like a mother. "You have morning shift again." Staring impassively, I saw a lazy grin spread across his face and his hips swaying as he made his way over to where I sat.
"I know that." Even his voice is a lazy, slow drawl. He leaned his elbow onto the armrest of the chair and propped his chin on his hand. "I'll be there." With his other hand, he reached out and started idly tracing little circles on my sleeve.
"It's not you showing up that I have a question with. It's when. You always show up late whenever you go out." Gritting my teeth, I stared hard into his eyes, hoping my uncomfortableness (a/n: is that even a word? Word tells me its not.....;;) came off as disapproval. "I don't feel like covering for you." Moving my arm away from his touch, I narrowed my eyes slightly to let him know that I was not happy. If he hadn't already been tipped off. Sighing, he let his hand fall back to rest on the arm of the chair, and I could just picture his beautiful eyes rolling in exasperation behind those silly glasses he insisted on wearing even at night.
"Fine. If you don't want me to go, I'll cancel." His voice was resigned, but I could sense a note of annoyance underneath. Again, I gave an internal wince at how parentish I was acting. Then I blinked as his words processed. ::Is this Youji? Telling me that he will -cancel- a -date- if I tell him too?:: Ignoring my initial reaction to jump up and do a little dance, I settled for molding my expression into one of disbelief and annoyance. ::He can't mean it. He's just saying that to get me off his back.::
"Why would I want you to do that? Just so you can stay here all night, moping about your lost date?" There was no way that I was going to let him catch me off guard. ::I can't take the chance that he's just joking. He would never let me live it down.:: I looked away from him then, staring out the window instead, so I wouldn't have to see his joyful look that he could go on his date.
"Ne...Aya." His voice came to me after a moment of strained silence, his tone light and joking. "Could it be that you're jealous?" I turned my head and looked at him incredulously, the turmoil of feelings inside of me given a name. He had taken of those ridiculous sunglasses, and was staring at me, his gaze something I couldn't decipher. I found myself at a loss for words, knowing that anything I said would betray me. The longer I stared, the more joking his manner became. A lopsided smirk on his face, his eyes half lidded, his lips twitching a silent invitation to me. It took all of my will power not to grab his shoulders right then and kiss him.
Straightening, he smoothed his hands over his jacket as he tossed his head. Reaching over, he placed a hesitant hand on my shoulder, turning me so that my body was facing him. Leaning over quickly he gave me a swift kiss on the lips and I could feel myself responding against my will. After too short of a time he pulled back, running a finger slowly across my lips. I glared up at him, angry with myself for being weak enough to allow him so much power of me. Giving a small laugh, he turned around and continued his original journey to the door.
"I think I'll go after all. This one's a real cutie. But don't worry Aya, I was only joking about you being jealous. I know I'm only a bed warmer to you. But even you gotta admit, I'm a damn good one, ne?" I gaped after him, stunned by his words. ::Only a bedwarmer?? -Only?!-:: Left in silence, I could do nothing more than wince as the soft click of a door shutting. ::Is that what he really thinks? That he's nothing more than a bedwarmer to me? Perhaps I have been too harsh?::
Shaking my head angrily, I picked my book up again, determined not to let him get to me. ::He's just playing again. Rubbing it in my face that -I'm- only someone to fuck when he has no one else.:: My heart hurt, and my eyes stung. ::Damn him. Damn him for making me fall in love with him. And damn me for letting him know that I care.:: If he didn't know, how did he manage to hurt so much? To know just the things that would pierce my soul? Yeah, that's what I thought.
~*~*~*~
Sighing I pushed my sunglasses on top of my head and scanned the restaurant, trying to find my date. ::I can't believe I'm doing this:: At the time it seemed like a good idea, get out of the house for a while and spend time with a pretty lady. But it must have lost something in the translation. I was not having a good time. And the date hadn't even begun.
Looking down impatiently at my watch, I bit back a groan as I noticed I was ten minutes late. Normally this wouldn't be such a big deal, but I could tell from the short time that I had known Elisa, she was the type of girl to freak over tardiness.
"Youji! Over here." Glancing in the direction of the voice, I saw Elisa in one of the far booths, waving her arm. Gritting my teeth, I made my way over to where she was, silently wishing for her to yell at me for being late and storm off. ::I want this to be over:: I thought as I reached her, and sat down across from the snobby brunette.
"Sorry I'm late," I said, even though I wasn't sorry at all. She just smiled at me, her cheeks dimpling, and put her hand over mine.
"Its okay Youji. You know I'd wait for you any day." Her voice was low and seductive and she was leaning forward so that it was easy to see down the front of her low cut dress. Giving her an indifferent glance I raised my hand to signal for a waiter.
"What do you want?" I had been to this restaurant plenty of times and I knew what I was going to order already. No need for a menu. But Elisa might want one. I glanced at her, as she continued to look at me through her lashes. "Well?" Wow, I need to chill out. I was starting to sound like Aya.
"I'll have whatever you're getting Youji." She purred out to me. Resisting the urge to roll my eyes, I caught the eye of a waiter and motioned him over.
"We'll have two of the specials, please." I said, shrugging out of my jacket. It was hot in this damn restaurant. You would think that such a fancy place would have air conditioning. Glancing over at my date, I noticed that her neckline seemed to have slipped even further and I was pretty sure that one deep breath would expose her. She caught me looking over at her and blew me a small kiss. ::Tonight is going to be hell:: "Oh, and a bottle of wine as well." I looked over at her again. "A big bottle."
The waiter nodded as he wrote down our order, and then promptly left. I had half a mind to call him back, and make him sit with us, just so I would have someone other than her to talk to. I don't know why I was acting so oddly towards her, but right now the only thing I wanted was to be at home with Aya. Even if all he did was glare at me and call me an idiot. At least I'd be with him.
::This dating thing is really not working out:: I sighed, my hands playing absently with my silverware as I avoided the person across from me. ::I don't even know why I bother doing this anymore. I should have just cancelled. I don't care about going out anymore.:;
"So Youji, tell me about yourself." She was talking again. With effort I raised my eyes to meet hers and I forced a tight smile on my face.
"There's not much to tell, really. I'm a florist. I live with three other guys." My tone was uninterested and I could tell that she was figuring out that I didn't want to be here.
"Really? Are you close to them?" Her voice was sharp, and my eyes widened slightly. ::What is she getting at?::
"Eh, I suppose. I mean I live with them." I could feel my body starting to tense up and I had to keep telling myself to relax. Something about this woman was making me on guard, and I didn't like that. "Omi and Ken are a bit too young though. And plus they're always hanging out with each other. We don't talk that much. And Aya... he doesn't talk much to anyone." I let my voice trail off as my mind once more turned to my redheaded lover.
"Are you and Aya..." She was cut off by the arrival of the waiter and for that I was thankful. I didn't want to have to answer her questions. I wouldn't lie if she came out right and asked if Aya and I were lovers, but I was pretty sure that the redhead would be none to pleased if I spilled. As soon as the waiter set the bottle of wine down on the table, I grabbed it and poured myself a healthy glassful. And downed it in one gulp.
As I reached for the wine bottle to pour myself a second glass, I noticed both Elisa and the waiter giving me odd looks, but I didn't care. If I had to endure this night, I was doing to do it drunk. Maybe I could just forget all about it tomorrow.
~*~*~*~
Putting my book down with a disgusted sigh, I resisted the temptation to glance up at the clock. I knew it had only been a few minutes since the last time I had checked and we all know that time moves slower when you're watching it.
::Where is that dumbass baka?:: It was near midnight, and while I knew that Youji had stayed out much later than that before, he hadn't done it since we had become lovers. I was practically seething with irritation and worry. I wanted him home. Getting up from my chair, I began pacing the room. ::He's usually home by eleven, why is tonight any different!?:: I felt the urge to bang someone's head into a wall, preferably my own. Or that bimbo he was with right now.
I paused as a horrible thought came to my mind. ::Oh god, what if he decided to spend the night with that woman he's out with tonight?!:: My eyes narrowed as a wave a jealousy flowed over me. ::He wouldn't...would he?:: If he decided too, there wasn't anything I could do about it. We weren't anything official, even though it had been in unspoken agreement that we remained faithful to each other.
:: "I know I'm only a bed warmer to you. But even you gotta admit, I'm a damn good one, ne?":: Youji's words echoed in my head, mocking me with their double meanings. ::Did he say that because he was trying to make me feel guilty? Or did he say it because he was expecting something to happen tonight and was just rubbing it in?::
Glaring at nothing in particular, I threw myself back into my chair, picking my book back up just so it could rest uselessly in my lap. Pacing was going to do no good and it would probably freak Ken and Omi out if they came down and saw it. Plus it would wear the carpet down. ::Why:: Even as I tried to clear my mind of all thoughts of the blonde haired baka, I couldn't stop myself from dwelling. ::Why do I let him do this to me?:: I knew that answer, I just didn't want to admit it even to myself.
::I'm such a coward:: I had no right to get so worked up about him being out. I couldn't even tell him that I loved him, much less that I wanted a relationship with him. An exclusive relationship. Not that I thought he would agree, but the fact that I couldn't tell him was enough to make me despise myself. At first it was enough to just watch him from a distance, I had always admired his open personality. But then he started expressing an interest in me back, and I though I could be content with just lovers. He could never be mine fully, so I should just be happy with the nights we spent together.
Everything was perfect for the first week of our...pseudo relationship... I was happy. I had him all to myself and he seemed content to just leave it there. And then he started going out again. I never said anything about it, I was too afraid that he'd break off the little we had, and he never brought them home. But even then, I thought I could handle it. The nights were still mine and to Youji, that was the most important part right?
::I wish I had never fallen in love:: Even as I thought it I knew it was untrue. Even at its worst, on nights like this, I never regretted what I felt for Youji. Especially at night, with the lights off and me just holding him, listening to his sweet voice in my ear telling me things that no one else knew, I could fool myself into thinking he loved me... and that feeling made everything worth it.
The silence grew deafening as I waited, my body tense and my hands sore from clenching them so hard. I almost wished for Ken or Omi to come down and play their horrid music or bother me with their pointless chatter. But they were both up in their rooms, probably thinking about this new mission they had. ::Hah! Some mission:: It was the same one Youji had used on me, tricking me into going out with him. A small smile graced my face as I remembered that night and I couldn't help but sigh. ::I miss him::
Ken had asked me if I knew anything about the target, showing me a picture of the familiar 'target'. I had stared at it for a long moment, before deciding that whatever Youji was up to, I didn't want to get involved. So I had simply told him no and moved on. Omi knew better than to ask me, my mood was already foul from the thought of Youji going out that night.
If I listened hard enough I could almost imagine the sound of computer keys clicking as Omi tried to find more information on their target. Even though everything they needed was supplied already, the boy never knew when to stop. He would never find anything matching though. Youji had explained it all to me after we were done having sex and were just cuddling afterwards.
He had randomly picked the picture of an English person off of an advertisement he saw once and used bits and pieces of information from the profiles of random people off the internet to fill up the background info on the target. Adding random things from the actual person just for kicks. And of course he had to add 'Finger licking good' at the end when he was through telling me. That started up another bout of fun, and I was exhausted by the time we made it home.
Omi might be able to pull up the fellow on the computer, but the information would never match up, and he was too well trained to question Persia. Though I doubt the kid would be able to find much, being so blinded by his love for Ken to realize.
...And yes I cuddle.
Just thinking about Ken and Omi made me want Youji home all the more. I was starting to feel guilty about doubting him. ::But something about tonight...:: I could feel a small ball of uneasiness forming in the pit of my stomach and I knew I couldn't go on like this much longer. Make or break, I couldn't bear to share him any longer. I had to tell him how I felt. ::If he ever gets home that is::
Loud laughter and the sound of the door opening startled me out of my thoughts and I looked up, relief crashing through me as I recognized the laugh as his. ::Speak of the devil:: My heart was pounding in my ears as I thought of my blonde lover and confessing all to him.
Glancing at the doorway, I saw his lanky form stumbling in the hallway. I frowned as I noticed his laughter was too loud and his movements too wild. ::Is he drunk?!:: The thought confused me. Youji wasn't like this when he got drunk. He wasn't loud and obnoxious. He was quiet. Which was why I kept plenty of alcohol around.
"Youji, you are so odd!" My eyes widened as I heard the lilting voice of a woman from behind him. I couldn't see what she looked like, the doorway was obscuring my vision. He looked over his shoulder and grinned at her, that smile that he only gave to me.
"Nah! I ain't weird! Its everyone else who's different!" His words were so slurred you could barely understand them, but the woman didn't seem to mind. She came into view then, wrapping her arms around his waist and standing on tiptoe so she could blow on his ear. I felt sick. This couldn't be happening.
Standing up, the book tumbling from my lap onto the floor, I slowly made my way over to them, even though every part of my body was screaming at me to run away. Or kill her, either one. Youji happened to glance into the room at that time and saw me, his smile never faltering.
"Hey Aya! I didn't know you were up this late!" I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I don't know what I had expected, maybe for him to be at least a -little- guilty, but certainly not this. This blatant disregard for what we have. ::Had:: I corrected myself.
"Hn." I couldn't bring myself to talk just yet, I was afraid that if I started talking I would make a fool of myself, declaring how hurt I was that he had betrayed me. I felt like crying. ::Fuck you Youji. I hate you for doing this to me.:: I thought, before gathering myself up. There was no way I was going to show my emotions when he so obviously didn't care about what I felt.
"Ah, so this is Aya." The woman was speaking again, and I glanced coldly at her. I didn't like the way she was looking at me, or holding Youji. Like he was hers or something. ::He's mine damnit!:: The look in her eyes was predatory, like she saw me as some sort of competition. That made me feel slightly better, to know that she was put off just a little by me. ::What did Youji tell her:: I wondered as I looked away. ::Maybe he was making fun of me to her. Showing off that he could get even the cold Aya under his thumb.::
"Yep! That's Aya!!" Youji was getting more raucous by the second, and he threw his arm over the brunette's shoulders. Giving me a wink, he pulled her in the direction of the stairs. "See ya Aya!" He called back at me.
I stood there in the hallway, staring at the spot where they had stood, long after they disappeared up the stairs. As the sounds of the woman's soft moans floated through the house, I turned and walked back to my chair, picking up my fallen book from where it lay. Opening it to a random page, I stared down at the words, seeing them swim before my eyes. The sounds of moaning grew louder.
*plip* Suddenly a circle of wet formed on the page and I stared at it, confused. Another followed it and I touched my hand to my cheek. Feeling the wetness coat my fingertips, I pulled my knees up to my chest and buried my face in my arms, my book once more forgotten.
The moans echoed in my ears, joined by moans and gasps from a deeper, male voice. I heard the woman call out Youji's name softly and him moan in return.
In a twisted copy of what I was planning earlier, I let my emotions show through. And for the first time in a long time, I cried.
~*~*~*~
I don't know what I was thinking when I agreed for Elisa to come over tonight. I think the alcohol was making my brain fuzzy and she was being all demanding like Aya. Whatever it was, I hated it. I hated it as soon as I said yes, and I hated it when we got out of the cab (both of us being too drunk to drive safely), and I hated it even more when I realized Aya was still awake.
As we walked towards the front door, I noticed that the lights downstairs were still on, and that meant only one thing. Aya was still awake. I got this sudden urge to just shove Elisa back into the cab and, running into the house, throw myself in Aya's arms.
But she had a hold on my sleeve and was tugging me forward, even as I fought internally to get away. ::What the hell am I doing?!:: Alcohol could dull the senses, but it couldn't dull the aching guilt I was feeling at this moment.
"Oh! Looks like someone is awake." She exclaimed as she too noticed the light still on. ::Bright one aren't we?:: "I wonder if its your friend, Aya." The way she said friend implied that she thought Aya was more than one, though she didn't know just how right she was. I laughed at her, though she thought that I was just laughing because I was drunk. I pushed past her and opened the door, hoping that she wouldn't follow me.
I was acutely aware of Aya's presence as soon as I walked in, and I was drawn to it like a moth to a flame. Shrugging out of my jacket, I hung it up on one of the hooks by the door and stumbled towards the doorway to where I knew he was, the vast amount of wine I had drunk earlier making my movements slow and uncoordinated. ::I wonder if he was waiting up for me?:: The thought made me giddier than any alcohol could ever have and I felt the need to feel Aya close to me.
"Youji, you are so odd!" Damn, she had followed me. Though what more could I expect, its not like I could just leave her out on the doorstep. As tempting as the thought may have been. ::Gotta put on a show::
"Nah! I ain't weird! Its everyone else who's different!" I joked, looking over my shoulder to give her a grin. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Aya looking at us and I think that at this moment I hated her being there more than anything. She must have taken this for an invitation, because she came up behind me and put her arms around my waist. My skin crawled with her being so close, and I nearly shuddered when she stood on tiptoe and blew in my ear.
I saw Aya stand up and make his way over to where we were, and I wanted nothing more than to pry her off of me and go to him. Seeing his expressionless face and looking past him, I saw a book lying discarded on the floor, my heart dropped. ::So he wasn't waiting up for me. He was just reading his damn book:: I thought bitterly, though what reason did he have to wait up for me? We didn't have a relationship, I wasn't anything more than a quick fuck for him, not that I could expect someone like Aya to love me. People like Aya didn't deserve someone like me. I was too low for him. He deserved someone better.
Looking over at him I kept my smile on my face, not wanting to show him how much his cold indifference had hurt me. His expression never changed. He still had that same look of not caring in his eyes.
"Hey Aya! I didn't know you were up this late!" I kept my voice cheerful and was amazed at how slurred they were. I wasn't that drunk was I? My thoughts didn't seem that cloudy. Though it kinda looked like there was two Aya's. Not that that was a bad thing. Two of him just meant more fun for me.
"Hn." Was that all he could say? I couldn't help the disappointment I felt. I don't know what I expected, maybe a little bit of anger, jealousy maybe, but not this blatant disregard for what was happening. Though who was I kidding? I was the one with the woman hanging on me. More than ever, I wished she was gone.
"Ah, so this is Aya." She was talking again. Didn't she know how to be quiet?! I didn't like the way she said his name. Or the way she was looking at him. Like he was an enemy or something. I wanted to shake her and point to my forehead where I was sure 'Property of Aya' was stamped on my forehead. That's what it felt like. I liked it. I didn't like her.
"Yep! That's Aya!" I was getting louder the more this went on, my attempts to cover up my hurt and uneasiness pitiful. I just wanted to get away from what was happening right now. Escape Aya's coldly beautiful eyes. Escape the guilt I was feeling right now, even as Elisa snuggled closer to me. Throwing my arm around her shoulders, so I could lead her away from Aya, I gave him a wink. To show that this was all fake, that I really didn't want this to happen. Right? It wasn't like I was trying to make him jealous. "See ya Aya!" I called back to him as we made our way up the stairs.
As we passed by Omi's room I could see the kid in there at his computer and I gave a little smile. He was probably working on the 'mission' I had given them. Aya and my relationship, if you could even call it that, may be going down in flames, but at least theirs would pull through. I hoped.
Walking into my room, I flipped the light on and made my way into the middle of the room, watching as she followed. By staying away from the bed, I hoped she took my hint that I didn't want anything to happen, but as she walked up to me and placed her lips over mine I knew she hadn't.
The kiss meant nothing to me. It didn't have the raw passion and feeling behind it that Aya's did, and it felt just like someone was pressing their lips against mine. Which was what it was. Nothing more. It didn't mean the same that anything, even the slightest glance of recognition, from Aya did.
When she started to remove my clothing, I let her. I just didn't care anymore. I figured that after my display downstairs Aya wouldn't want anything to do with me for a long while, if ever. ::Maybe he'll come storming in here in a fit of jealous rage and stop this.:: My mind was fantasizing about Aya, even as Elisa slid my shirt off.
Looking down at her, I knew that Aya would never do anything like that, and an overwhelming wave of sadness overtook me. Things would never be the same with Aya after this. Because of her. It was more than likely that I would never again get to feel Aya's sweet kisses, or be able to run my fingers through his soft hair. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to run downstairs and throw myself at Aya, begging for forgiveness.
Looking down at the tool of my destruction I felt something in me give and with a lazy shrug I leaned down to kiss her. ::I hate myself.::
~*~*~*~
"Mmm...Aya...." The words were mumbled and so soft I could barely hear them, but hear them I did. I looked down in shock at the blonde man under me, and felt my eyes narrow. ::How dare he do this to me!:: Drawing back my hand, I slapped him. His eyes snapped open at the force of my blow and he stared up at me in shock, his eyes slightly unfocused.
That look told me all I needed to know and I climbed off of him, grabbing for my clothes as I went. He sat up in bed, his hand raised to his rapidly reddening cheek and I felt a small surge of victory. :Hah! Take that you two timing little bitch!:: My mind shouted furiously at him, as I struggled to pull on my dress.
"Elisa, what are you doing?" He sounded confused and more than a little annoyed. Well, I just didn't care anymore. I hadn't had any fun on the date, all he did was talk about Aya. It seemed Aya had an opinion on everything. It was always 'Oh, Aya thinks this about that' or 'Aya would never do that' or whatever. Everything had to be all about Aya. And the drunker he got, the more he babbled. I was sorry I had ever mentioned anything about it.
I thought we were finally getting somewhere when he responded to my moves down there in the hallway, I thought that I was just mistaken about how he seemed to feel towards this Aya person, but I was wrong! He was just using me to make Aya jealous! And now he had the audacity to call out his name in the middle of sex.
If you could call it sex that is.
I was the one doing everything! Sure he kissed me, but that was only one time and it wasn't even all that good. His mouth was lifeless against mine, and afterwards he returned to his mechanical state, just going through the motions. He only seemed to respond truly after we turned off the lights. ::But that was probably to make it easier for him to fantasize about Aya::
I thought I could help him. It was obvious that red headed block of wood didn't feel anything for him, and yet here he was, calling out for him. It disgusted me.
"You bastard!" I whispered angrily from between clenched teeth. My face twisted angrily and I looked around for something to throw. Seeing a picture of the two of them at the park, I snatched it up off the desk and hurled it at him. He caught it easily and I marveled once more at his grace. "You...you..." I couldn't find the right adjectives to describe what I was feeling. There just wasn't a word for complete and utter contempt.
He didn't even look at me anymore, he was too busy staring down at that damned photo. And something told me that even if the London marching band came bursting in here, he wouldn't have even noticed. Giving a growl of frustration and anger, I turned and stormed out of the room, glaring at the little blonde kid as he peeked his head out to see what was going on.
As I stomped down the stairs, I could hear a door closing behind me but I didn't care to find out who's it was. I just wanted to leave. Forget about the man who had just made a fool of me, who had used me.
Just as I reached the front door, I looked into the room where the red head still was. He was still sitting in that blasted chair his head leaning back limply against the cushions behind him, his eyes listless. That book he was reading earlier was still on the floor. For a second I thought he was dead, until I saw the rise and fall of his chest. I felt anger and resentment boil up inside of me and I walked stiffly over to where he sat.
"You!" I shouted, my eyes were little more than angry slits now and I had to remind myself not to grit my teeth. He blinked and looked at me, his expression confused. I noticed that his eyes looked a little puffy and red rimmed. ::Must have been crying. Serves him right!:: Pulling my hand back, I slapped him across the face as hard as I could, the force of the blow leaving my hand stinging. I could only imagine what it did to his face.
He stared at me, his eyes full of disbelief quickly fading to anger. As I looked into his eyes, I began to feel a little afraid but I reminded myself that -I- was the one wronged here, and he couldn't do anything to me.
"This is all your fault! Everything is your fault! I had a chance at a decent evening tonight! But no! Everything had to come back to you! All he did was talk about you." I couldn't stop myself. I didn't care if I was being redundant or sounded stupid, I was too enraged to care. "Everything was Aya this or Aya that! Even sex!" I clenched my hands into fists at my side and I could feel my fake nails digging into my palms.
"What are you talking about?" His voice was cold fire and it sent shivers down my spine. He certainly was beautiful, but too cold for my tastes. Though why I was checking him out after everything he had done to me was beyond my comprehension.
"HE CALLED YOUR NAME WHEN WE WERE HAVING SEX!" I screamed as loud as I could, my face growing red from exertion. I tightened my fists and felt one of my nails pop off but I was too angry to care. He stared at me, his eyes wide with shock and I curled my lip at him. "Fucking assholes."
Turning on my heel, I walked out of the room, my back ramrod straight, taking the time to kick that blasted book on my way out. Grabbing my coat as I left, I slammed the door behind me. Remembering that I had taken a cab over here, I groaned. Looks like a long walk for me. Looking down at my hands I sighed in disgust as I started walking in the direction of my apartment.
"And I just got my nails done."
~*~*~*~
I stared in shock at the retreating back of the woman Youji had brought home. ::Youji... called... my name?!:: She couldn't be serious! Why would he do that? It was obvious by him bringing her here that he wanted to break off our 'affair'. Right?
I raised my hand up to the cheek where she had slapped me and lowered my eyes. ::He talked about me all night?:: The thought was enough to make me want to jump for joy, but my disbelief covered it like a wet blanket. There was no way that Youji would do that. Not over me at least. But I couldn't stop myself from hoping, wishing that what the crazy woman had said was true. I was desperate for any excuse to keep Youji. I didn't want to lose him.
::I love him:: Remembering my earlier vow to myself, I winced. There was no way I could tell him now, and the thought hurt. More than anything I wanted Youji to know that I loved him, that he was the most important thing to me, and that I wanted nothing more than to be with him. But I couldn't tell him that... not after the way his date left. He'd probably laugh at me and slam the door in my face.
I was beginning to think that I could handle that, nothing could be worse than the little display earlier. ::At least he would know how I felt:: I wanted to still be his friend, any sort of contact with him is preferable to none at all. And if I didn't talk to him now, things would be even more awkward and strained than they would be if I told him all.
Steeling my nerves, I got up from my chair, picking up the fallen book and putting it on the chair. Running my hand through my hair once, I thought briefly of how I must look. ::Probably like shit:: and I winced. I hoped it wasn't noticeable that I had been crying.
Straightening my shirt, I stood tall and made my way up the stairs. ::God I hope this isn't a mistake::
~*~*~*~
I didn't even notice when Elisa left, my mind was focused on the picture I held in my hands. It was one of Aya and I, taken one day that I had managed to drag him to the park. Thinking of that day made me grow even sadder, and gently ran my finger of the picture-Aya's face. ::God I miss him:: Even though it had been only a short while since I had seen him, it seemed like forever. Especially since I knew that I would never get to be anything closer than a co-worker and fellow assassin after tonight.
::I really fucked up this time didn't I:: If Aya ever forgave me, which I highly doubted, things would never be the same between us. I knew that it was a mistake to go out tonight, especially when I didn't want to go. ::I should have just canceled:: If tonight had taught me anything, it was that I didn't belong with anyone except Aya. Even with Asuka I didn't feel this way. Being with Aya was just right. It was how I wanted to be.
And I had just ruined everything. ::Not that there was that much to ruin anyway:: Not for the first time, I cursed myself for being too much of a coward to admit to Aya my feelings for him. After the first week of us being lovers, I was happier than I ever dreamed. But I was afraid that he was just playing with me. I didn't want to show him that I was falling for him. That I had already fell.
And so I started dating other people again. He never mentioned anything about it, and so I took it as he didn't care if I dated around. That hurt. That hurt a lot. So I continued to do it. Though I never brought anyone home. I didn't feel that way towards anyone but Aya. And tonight's disaster just proved that.
Feeling my eyes begin to feel with tears, I noticed my hands were shaking. ::Damnit! Why does it have to hurt so much?!:: I was just glad that no one was here to witness me falling apart. I don't think I could handle that right now.
Hearing a soft knock on my still open door, I gave an inward groan. ::It would figure:: I thought, looking up. My eyes widened when I noticed it was Aya and I nearly dropped the picture. I could do nothing more than stare in disbelief as he walked hesitantly into the room, to stand before me.
"Youji, we need to talk." His voice was still the same monotone, but I could hear something underneath it, though I didn't know what it was. Still in my shocked state, I could do nothing more than nod at him and scooted over on the bed to make room for him. He sat down and I noticed with sadness that there was a good foot of space between us. I had a pretty good idea of what this 'talk' was going to be about.
I saw him look over at the picture in curiosity and I resisted the urge to hide it. I'd never told him I kept the picture, I had kept it hidden on my desk under the scattering of papers. I hoped he wouldn't take it. It was one of my most precious possessions.
"Youji" His voice was soft, and was that a hint of uncertainty? My mind boggled at the thought. ::Aya unsure?!:: I could do nothing more than stare some more. He blinked at me, his hand slowly reaching out to touch the picture. As I felt a small tug on it, I looked down to see that he was trying to take it but my hands wouldn't let go.
"No." I managed to stutter out. I didn't care what he did to me, I didn't want to lose my only picture of him. "Don't take it please." My voice was begging, and I didn't bother to hide it.
"Youji." Again, he said my name. Only this time it was different, his tone still held that small bit of uncertainty but it sounded amazed. I blinked. Looking up at his beautiful violet eyes, I was overcome with a sense of loss. He was so close and yet I couldn't touch him. I had lost that right when I brought Elisa over.
He let go of the picture and instead raised his hand to my cheek. The one that Elisa had slapped. I noticed that one of his cheeks was red as well, in the shape of a handprint and I stared. ::She hit him too!? That bitch! She had no right to lay a finger on my Aya!!:: I winced as I thought that. He wasn't my Aya anymore.
"Youji." I was sensing a pattern here, but I didn't care. I loved the way my name sounded on his lips. He could say it for eternity and I'd be happy. As long as he was still there. With a sigh he let his hand drop down to his lap again and he lowered his gaze from mine. I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and I knew that this wasn't going to be good.
"Youji. I know that we don't have anything other than sex." He began, and I felt a part of me die with his words. ::I knew it. He's going to tell me that everything is over.:: "But tonight has taught me something..." He was continuing with the words that were, syllable by syllable, destroying my soul. "Youji I..." I couldn't take it anymore. I put my finger over his mouth and looked deep into his eyes.
"Don't say it Aya. I know what you're going to say and I need to say something first." He stared at me, his eyes confused. I kept my finger where it was, enjoying even this small contact. "I know I messed up tonight. I didn't like Elisa, and I don't even know why I asked her out in the first place, much less brought her back here. I don't have an excuse for what I did, I can only say that it meant nothing." I was amazed at myself for lasting this long. It was hard to not give into the urge to cry. He started to say something but I shook my head.
"No, I have to say this. Please Aya, hear me out." His nod was so tiny I wouldn't have noticed it had I not had my finger pressed to his lips. "I know that all we have is sex. And I've never regretted anything more than that." His eyes went wide and he would have turned his face away if I had not put my other hand on his cheek. "I want more. I've always wanted more." It was getting hard to speak and I lowered my eyes, trying to find my voice again.
I started as I felt his lips kiss my finger and my eyes flew to his face. He brought his hand up to cover the one on his cheek and he gave me a small smile as he continued to kiss my finger. I was so shocked I could do nothing more than stare and he smirked.
"Can I finish what I was going to say now?" He asked, his voice low and husky. I nodded slowly, to stunned and hopeful for words. He pulled my hands away from his face and my face fell. Until I noticed that he hadn't let go of them. Slowly he leaned over, his eyes never leaving mine, and pressed his lips gently to mine.
::This was what a kiss should be like:: A rush of emotions overtook me and I wrapped my arms around his neck deepening the kiss, savoring the sweet taste of Aya. All too soon he broke the kiss and brought his lips close to my ear. I shivered as his warm breath tickled and his next words shocked me to my core.
"I love you, Youji." My face was frozen in permanent surprise, my eyes wide and my mouth hanging open. I stared at him, a million thoughts running through my brain and yet only one penetrating the haze of passion that came every time Aya kissed me. ::HE LOVES ME!! HE SAID HE LOVES ME!!::
I couldn't believe it. He said he loved me. He didn't laugh at me or push me away. He actually said he loved me!! I was overcome with joy and a warm feeling in me and then all thought faded as Aya kissed me again and together we fell back onto the bed, a tangle of limbs and passion. Looking up at him, my eyes half closed from sheer pleasure, I raised my hand to the slap mark again. As much of a bitch that she was, Elisa had managed to bring them together. I owed her one. ::Maybe I won't kill her::
"I love you Aya." I murmured as he leaned in for another kiss. He smiled at me and ran his hand along my own, matching handprint. I wondered if the same thing was running through his head. I couldn't help but feel like I had been given a special gift, and I knew that I had. "Forever."
~Owari~ (for the side story at least)
Author's notes: Right. So I've so sorry that this has taken me forever and a day to write and get out...o.o I've been quite lazy and distracted... this part was hard for me to write...lol, I was having fun right up until Youji came home with the woman, and then I just sorta got stuck. As you can see ...o.o I'm very sorry that the ending is rather anti climatic and sucky, but I am So Tired right now, and I wanted to get it done and posted before I went to sleep... o.O
Oi this turned out wayyy longer than I wanted it to... It just sorta ran away without me... and I'm sorry if Youji and Aya seemed out of character (Elisa was mine, she was engineered to be a bitch) but they're hard to write! ESPECIALLY Aya... O.o and the end part... I made Youji sound like a girl... blech...but I'm too lazy to go back and fix it... I'm just happy I got this done!! Yay! Its been hanging over my head for a while..
I felt bad for the book though!! It was my favorite character in this entire story! And it kept getting forgotten and abused!! *sniff* stupid Aya... just DUMPING the poor book on the floor all the time. *Siiiiigh*
...
And I need to stop right now...because even as I write this the ending is leering at me with its utter suckiness and I reallly don't want to go back and fix it...u.u;; Hope you all liked it! *cough* even though it really sucked.....v.v....
Right.... Leaving now.
...Like the way he saved me...
...from myself...
Fallen Tears
::Aya and Youji Side Story::
Standard Disclaimers Apply
"I'm going out." My head snapped up from where I had been reading a book, my features already schooled into their customary scowl. My gaze settled on the lanky, blonde form making its way out the door.
"Where do you think you're going?" My voice came out cold, and I gave a mental wince at how much I sounded like a mother. "You have morning shift again." Staring impassively, I saw a lazy grin spread across his face and his hips swaying as he made his way over to where I sat.
"I know that." Even his voice is a lazy, slow drawl. He leaned his elbow onto the armrest of the chair and propped his chin on his hand. "I'll be there." With his other hand, he reached out and started idly tracing little circles on my sleeve.
"It's not you showing up that I have a question with. It's when. You always show up late whenever you go out." Gritting my teeth, I stared hard into his eyes, hoping my uncomfortableness (a/n: is that even a word? Word tells me its not.....;;) came off as disapproval. "I don't feel like covering for you." Moving my arm away from his touch, I narrowed my eyes slightly to let him know that I was not happy. If he hadn't already been tipped off. Sighing, he let his hand fall back to rest on the arm of the chair, and I could just picture his beautiful eyes rolling in exasperation behind those silly glasses he insisted on wearing even at night.
"Fine. If you don't want me to go, I'll cancel." His voice was resigned, but I could sense a note of annoyance underneath. Again, I gave an internal wince at how parentish I was acting. Then I blinked as his words processed. ::Is this Youji? Telling me that he will -cancel- a -date- if I tell him too?:: Ignoring my initial reaction to jump up and do a little dance, I settled for molding my expression into one of disbelief and annoyance. ::He can't mean it. He's just saying that to get me off his back.::
"Why would I want you to do that? Just so you can stay here all night, moping about your lost date?" There was no way that I was going to let him catch me off guard. ::I can't take the chance that he's just joking. He would never let me live it down.:: I looked away from him then, staring out the window instead, so I wouldn't have to see his joyful look that he could go on his date.
"Ne...Aya." His voice came to me after a moment of strained silence, his tone light and joking. "Could it be that you're jealous?" I turned my head and looked at him incredulously, the turmoil of feelings inside of me given a name. He had taken of those ridiculous sunglasses, and was staring at me, his gaze something I couldn't decipher. I found myself at a loss for words, knowing that anything I said would betray me. The longer I stared, the more joking his manner became. A lopsided smirk on his face, his eyes half lidded, his lips twitching a silent invitation to me. It took all of my will power not to grab his shoulders right then and kiss him.
Straightening, he smoothed his hands over his jacket as he tossed his head. Reaching over, he placed a hesitant hand on my shoulder, turning me so that my body was facing him. Leaning over quickly he gave me a swift kiss on the lips and I could feel myself responding against my will. After too short of a time he pulled back, running a finger slowly across my lips. I glared up at him, angry with myself for being weak enough to allow him so much power of me. Giving a small laugh, he turned around and continued his original journey to the door.
"I think I'll go after all. This one's a real cutie. But don't worry Aya, I was only joking about you being jealous. I know I'm only a bed warmer to you. But even you gotta admit, I'm a damn good one, ne?" I gaped after him, stunned by his words. ::Only a bedwarmer?? -Only?!-:: Left in silence, I could do nothing more than wince as the soft click of a door shutting. ::Is that what he really thinks? That he's nothing more than a bedwarmer to me? Perhaps I have been too harsh?::
Shaking my head angrily, I picked my book up again, determined not to let him get to me. ::He's just playing again. Rubbing it in my face that -I'm- only someone to fuck when he has no one else.:: My heart hurt, and my eyes stung. ::Damn him. Damn him for making me fall in love with him. And damn me for letting him know that I care.:: If he didn't know, how did he manage to hurt so much? To know just the things that would pierce my soul? Yeah, that's what I thought.
~*~*~*~
Sighing I pushed my sunglasses on top of my head and scanned the restaurant, trying to find my date. ::I can't believe I'm doing this:: At the time it seemed like a good idea, get out of the house for a while and spend time with a pretty lady. But it must have lost something in the translation. I was not having a good time. And the date hadn't even begun.
Looking down impatiently at my watch, I bit back a groan as I noticed I was ten minutes late. Normally this wouldn't be such a big deal, but I could tell from the short time that I had known Elisa, she was the type of girl to freak over tardiness.
"Youji! Over here." Glancing in the direction of the voice, I saw Elisa in one of the far booths, waving her arm. Gritting my teeth, I made my way over to where she was, silently wishing for her to yell at me for being late and storm off. ::I want this to be over:: I thought as I reached her, and sat down across from the snobby brunette.
"Sorry I'm late," I said, even though I wasn't sorry at all. She just smiled at me, her cheeks dimpling, and put her hand over mine.
"Its okay Youji. You know I'd wait for you any day." Her voice was low and seductive and she was leaning forward so that it was easy to see down the front of her low cut dress. Giving her an indifferent glance I raised my hand to signal for a waiter.
"What do you want?" I had been to this restaurant plenty of times and I knew what I was going to order already. No need for a menu. But Elisa might want one. I glanced at her, as she continued to look at me through her lashes. "Well?" Wow, I need to chill out. I was starting to sound like Aya.
"I'll have whatever you're getting Youji." She purred out to me. Resisting the urge to roll my eyes, I caught the eye of a waiter and motioned him over.
"We'll have two of the specials, please." I said, shrugging out of my jacket. It was hot in this damn restaurant. You would think that such a fancy place would have air conditioning. Glancing over at my date, I noticed that her neckline seemed to have slipped even further and I was pretty sure that one deep breath would expose her. She caught me looking over at her and blew me a small kiss. ::Tonight is going to be hell:: "Oh, and a bottle of wine as well." I looked over at her again. "A big bottle."
The waiter nodded as he wrote down our order, and then promptly left. I had half a mind to call him back, and make him sit with us, just so I would have someone other than her to talk to. I don't know why I was acting so oddly towards her, but right now the only thing I wanted was to be at home with Aya. Even if all he did was glare at me and call me an idiot. At least I'd be with him.
::This dating thing is really not working out:: I sighed, my hands playing absently with my silverware as I avoided the person across from me. ::I don't even know why I bother doing this anymore. I should have just cancelled. I don't care about going out anymore.:;
"So Youji, tell me about yourself." She was talking again. With effort I raised my eyes to meet hers and I forced a tight smile on my face.
"There's not much to tell, really. I'm a florist. I live with three other guys." My tone was uninterested and I could tell that she was figuring out that I didn't want to be here.
"Really? Are you close to them?" Her voice was sharp, and my eyes widened slightly. ::What is she getting at?::
"Eh, I suppose. I mean I live with them." I could feel my body starting to tense up and I had to keep telling myself to relax. Something about this woman was making me on guard, and I didn't like that. "Omi and Ken are a bit too young though. And plus they're always hanging out with each other. We don't talk that much. And Aya... he doesn't talk much to anyone." I let my voice trail off as my mind once more turned to my redheaded lover.
"Are you and Aya..." She was cut off by the arrival of the waiter and for that I was thankful. I didn't want to have to answer her questions. I wouldn't lie if she came out right and asked if Aya and I were lovers, but I was pretty sure that the redhead would be none to pleased if I spilled. As soon as the waiter set the bottle of wine down on the table, I grabbed it and poured myself a healthy glassful. And downed it in one gulp.
As I reached for the wine bottle to pour myself a second glass, I noticed both Elisa and the waiter giving me odd looks, but I didn't care. If I had to endure this night, I was doing to do it drunk. Maybe I could just forget all about it tomorrow.
~*~*~*~
Putting my book down with a disgusted sigh, I resisted the temptation to glance up at the clock. I knew it had only been a few minutes since the last time I had checked and we all know that time moves slower when you're watching it.
::Where is that dumbass baka?:: It was near midnight, and while I knew that Youji had stayed out much later than that before, he hadn't done it since we had become lovers. I was practically seething with irritation and worry. I wanted him home. Getting up from my chair, I began pacing the room. ::He's usually home by eleven, why is tonight any different!?:: I felt the urge to bang someone's head into a wall, preferably my own. Or that bimbo he was with right now.
I paused as a horrible thought came to my mind. ::Oh god, what if he decided to spend the night with that woman he's out with tonight?!:: My eyes narrowed as a wave a jealousy flowed over me. ::He wouldn't...would he?:: If he decided too, there wasn't anything I could do about it. We weren't anything official, even though it had been in unspoken agreement that we remained faithful to each other.
:: "I know I'm only a bed warmer to you. But even you gotta admit, I'm a damn good one, ne?":: Youji's words echoed in my head, mocking me with their double meanings. ::Did he say that because he was trying to make me feel guilty? Or did he say it because he was expecting something to happen tonight and was just rubbing it in?::
Glaring at nothing in particular, I threw myself back into my chair, picking my book back up just so it could rest uselessly in my lap. Pacing was going to do no good and it would probably freak Ken and Omi out if they came down and saw it. Plus it would wear the carpet down. ::Why:: Even as I tried to clear my mind of all thoughts of the blonde haired baka, I couldn't stop myself from dwelling. ::Why do I let him do this to me?:: I knew that answer, I just didn't want to admit it even to myself.
::I'm such a coward:: I had no right to get so worked up about him being out. I couldn't even tell him that I loved him, much less that I wanted a relationship with him. An exclusive relationship. Not that I thought he would agree, but the fact that I couldn't tell him was enough to make me despise myself. At first it was enough to just watch him from a distance, I had always admired his open personality. But then he started expressing an interest in me back, and I though I could be content with just lovers. He could never be mine fully, so I should just be happy with the nights we spent together.
Everything was perfect for the first week of our...pseudo relationship... I was happy. I had him all to myself and he seemed content to just leave it there. And then he started going out again. I never said anything about it, I was too afraid that he'd break off the little we had, and he never brought them home. But even then, I thought I could handle it. The nights were still mine and to Youji, that was the most important part right?
::I wish I had never fallen in love:: Even as I thought it I knew it was untrue. Even at its worst, on nights like this, I never regretted what I felt for Youji. Especially at night, with the lights off and me just holding him, listening to his sweet voice in my ear telling me things that no one else knew, I could fool myself into thinking he loved me... and that feeling made everything worth it.
The silence grew deafening as I waited, my body tense and my hands sore from clenching them so hard. I almost wished for Ken or Omi to come down and play their horrid music or bother me with their pointless chatter. But they were both up in their rooms, probably thinking about this new mission they had. ::Hah! Some mission:: It was the same one Youji had used on me, tricking me into going out with him. A small smile graced my face as I remembered that night and I couldn't help but sigh. ::I miss him::
Ken had asked me if I knew anything about the target, showing me a picture of the familiar 'target'. I had stared at it for a long moment, before deciding that whatever Youji was up to, I didn't want to get involved. So I had simply told him no and moved on. Omi knew better than to ask me, my mood was already foul from the thought of Youji going out that night.
If I listened hard enough I could almost imagine the sound of computer keys clicking as Omi tried to find more information on their target. Even though everything they needed was supplied already, the boy never knew when to stop. He would never find anything matching though. Youji had explained it all to me after we were done having sex and were just cuddling afterwards.
He had randomly picked the picture of an English person off of an advertisement he saw once and used bits and pieces of information from the profiles of random people off the internet to fill up the background info on the target. Adding random things from the actual person just for kicks. And of course he had to add 'Finger licking good' at the end when he was through telling me. That started up another bout of fun, and I was exhausted by the time we made it home.
Omi might be able to pull up the fellow on the computer, but the information would never match up, and he was too well trained to question Persia. Though I doubt the kid would be able to find much, being so blinded by his love for Ken to realize.
...And yes I cuddle.
Just thinking about Ken and Omi made me want Youji home all the more. I was starting to feel guilty about doubting him. ::But something about tonight...:: I could feel a small ball of uneasiness forming in the pit of my stomach and I knew I couldn't go on like this much longer. Make or break, I couldn't bear to share him any longer. I had to tell him how I felt. ::If he ever gets home that is::
Loud laughter and the sound of the door opening startled me out of my thoughts and I looked up, relief crashing through me as I recognized the laugh as his. ::Speak of the devil:: My heart was pounding in my ears as I thought of my blonde lover and confessing all to him.
Glancing at the doorway, I saw his lanky form stumbling in the hallway. I frowned as I noticed his laughter was too loud and his movements too wild. ::Is he drunk?!:: The thought confused me. Youji wasn't like this when he got drunk. He wasn't loud and obnoxious. He was quiet. Which was why I kept plenty of alcohol around.
"Youji, you are so odd!" My eyes widened as I heard the lilting voice of a woman from behind him. I couldn't see what she looked like, the doorway was obscuring my vision. He looked over his shoulder and grinned at her, that smile that he only gave to me.
"Nah! I ain't weird! Its everyone else who's different!" His words were so slurred you could barely understand them, but the woman didn't seem to mind. She came into view then, wrapping her arms around his waist and standing on tiptoe so she could blow on his ear. I felt sick. This couldn't be happening.
Standing up, the book tumbling from my lap onto the floor, I slowly made my way over to them, even though every part of my body was screaming at me to run away. Or kill her, either one. Youji happened to glance into the room at that time and saw me, his smile never faltering.
"Hey Aya! I didn't know you were up this late!" I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I don't know what I had expected, maybe for him to be at least a -little- guilty, but certainly not this. This blatant disregard for what we have. ::Had:: I corrected myself.
"Hn." I couldn't bring myself to talk just yet, I was afraid that if I started talking I would make a fool of myself, declaring how hurt I was that he had betrayed me. I felt like crying. ::Fuck you Youji. I hate you for doing this to me.:: I thought, before gathering myself up. There was no way I was going to show my emotions when he so obviously didn't care about what I felt.
"Ah, so this is Aya." The woman was speaking again, and I glanced coldly at her. I didn't like the way she was looking at me, or holding Youji. Like he was hers or something. ::He's mine damnit!:: The look in her eyes was predatory, like she saw me as some sort of competition. That made me feel slightly better, to know that she was put off just a little by me. ::What did Youji tell her:: I wondered as I looked away. ::Maybe he was making fun of me to her. Showing off that he could get even the cold Aya under his thumb.::
"Yep! That's Aya!!" Youji was getting more raucous by the second, and he threw his arm over the brunette's shoulders. Giving me a wink, he pulled her in the direction of the stairs. "See ya Aya!" He called back at me.
I stood there in the hallway, staring at the spot where they had stood, long after they disappeared up the stairs. As the sounds of the woman's soft moans floated through the house, I turned and walked back to my chair, picking up my fallen book from where it lay. Opening it to a random page, I stared down at the words, seeing them swim before my eyes. The sounds of moaning grew louder.
*plip* Suddenly a circle of wet formed on the page and I stared at it, confused. Another followed it and I touched my hand to my cheek. Feeling the wetness coat my fingertips, I pulled my knees up to my chest and buried my face in my arms, my book once more forgotten.
The moans echoed in my ears, joined by moans and gasps from a deeper, male voice. I heard the woman call out Youji's name softly and him moan in return.
In a twisted copy of what I was planning earlier, I let my emotions show through. And for the first time in a long time, I cried.
~*~*~*~
I don't know what I was thinking when I agreed for Elisa to come over tonight. I think the alcohol was making my brain fuzzy and she was being all demanding like Aya. Whatever it was, I hated it. I hated it as soon as I said yes, and I hated it when we got out of the cab (both of us being too drunk to drive safely), and I hated it even more when I realized Aya was still awake.
As we walked towards the front door, I noticed that the lights downstairs were still on, and that meant only one thing. Aya was still awake. I got this sudden urge to just shove Elisa back into the cab and, running into the house, throw myself in Aya's arms.
But she had a hold on my sleeve and was tugging me forward, even as I fought internally to get away. ::What the hell am I doing?!:: Alcohol could dull the senses, but it couldn't dull the aching guilt I was feeling at this moment.
"Oh! Looks like someone is awake." She exclaimed as she too noticed the light still on. ::Bright one aren't we?:: "I wonder if its your friend, Aya." The way she said friend implied that she thought Aya was more than one, though she didn't know just how right she was. I laughed at her, though she thought that I was just laughing because I was drunk. I pushed past her and opened the door, hoping that she wouldn't follow me.
I was acutely aware of Aya's presence as soon as I walked in, and I was drawn to it like a moth to a flame. Shrugging out of my jacket, I hung it up on one of the hooks by the door and stumbled towards the doorway to where I knew he was, the vast amount of wine I had drunk earlier making my movements slow and uncoordinated. ::I wonder if he was waiting up for me?:: The thought made me giddier than any alcohol could ever have and I felt the need to feel Aya close to me.
"Youji, you are so odd!" Damn, she had followed me. Though what more could I expect, its not like I could just leave her out on the doorstep. As tempting as the thought may have been. ::Gotta put on a show::
"Nah! I ain't weird! Its everyone else who's different!" I joked, looking over my shoulder to give her a grin. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Aya looking at us and I think that at this moment I hated her being there more than anything. She must have taken this for an invitation, because she came up behind me and put her arms around my waist. My skin crawled with her being so close, and I nearly shuddered when she stood on tiptoe and blew in my ear.
I saw Aya stand up and make his way over to where we were, and I wanted nothing more than to pry her off of me and go to him. Seeing his expressionless face and looking past him, I saw a book lying discarded on the floor, my heart dropped. ::So he wasn't waiting up for me. He was just reading his damn book:: I thought bitterly, though what reason did he have to wait up for me? We didn't have a relationship, I wasn't anything more than a quick fuck for him, not that I could expect someone like Aya to love me. People like Aya didn't deserve someone like me. I was too low for him. He deserved someone better.
Looking over at him I kept my smile on my face, not wanting to show him how much his cold indifference had hurt me. His expression never changed. He still had that same look of not caring in his eyes.
"Hey Aya! I didn't know you were up this late!" I kept my voice cheerful and was amazed at how slurred they were. I wasn't that drunk was I? My thoughts didn't seem that cloudy. Though it kinda looked like there was two Aya's. Not that that was a bad thing. Two of him just meant more fun for me.
"Hn." Was that all he could say? I couldn't help the disappointment I felt. I don't know what I expected, maybe a little bit of anger, jealousy maybe, but not this blatant disregard for what was happening. Though who was I kidding? I was the one with the woman hanging on me. More than ever, I wished she was gone.
"Ah, so this is Aya." She was talking again. Didn't she know how to be quiet?! I didn't like the way she said his name. Or the way she was looking at him. Like he was an enemy or something. I wanted to shake her and point to my forehead where I was sure 'Property of Aya' was stamped on my forehead. That's what it felt like. I liked it. I didn't like her.
"Yep! That's Aya!" I was getting louder the more this went on, my attempts to cover up my hurt and uneasiness pitiful. I just wanted to get away from what was happening right now. Escape Aya's coldly beautiful eyes. Escape the guilt I was feeling right now, even as Elisa snuggled closer to me. Throwing my arm around her shoulders, so I could lead her away from Aya, I gave him a wink. To show that this was all fake, that I really didn't want this to happen. Right? It wasn't like I was trying to make him jealous. "See ya Aya!" I called back to him as we made our way up the stairs.
As we passed by Omi's room I could see the kid in there at his computer and I gave a little smile. He was probably working on the 'mission' I had given them. Aya and my relationship, if you could even call it that, may be going down in flames, but at least theirs would pull through. I hoped.
Walking into my room, I flipped the light on and made my way into the middle of the room, watching as she followed. By staying away from the bed, I hoped she took my hint that I didn't want anything to happen, but as she walked up to me and placed her lips over mine I knew she hadn't.
The kiss meant nothing to me. It didn't have the raw passion and feeling behind it that Aya's did, and it felt just like someone was pressing their lips against mine. Which was what it was. Nothing more. It didn't mean the same that anything, even the slightest glance of recognition, from Aya did.
When she started to remove my clothing, I let her. I just didn't care anymore. I figured that after my display downstairs Aya wouldn't want anything to do with me for a long while, if ever. ::Maybe he'll come storming in here in a fit of jealous rage and stop this.:: My mind was fantasizing about Aya, even as Elisa slid my shirt off.
Looking down at her, I knew that Aya would never do anything like that, and an overwhelming wave of sadness overtook me. Things would never be the same with Aya after this. Because of her. It was more than likely that I would never again get to feel Aya's sweet kisses, or be able to run my fingers through his soft hair. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to run downstairs and throw myself at Aya, begging for forgiveness.
Looking down at the tool of my destruction I felt something in me give and with a lazy shrug I leaned down to kiss her. ::I hate myself.::
~*~*~*~
"Mmm...Aya...." The words were mumbled and so soft I could barely hear them, but hear them I did. I looked down in shock at the blonde man under me, and felt my eyes narrow. ::How dare he do this to me!:: Drawing back my hand, I slapped him. His eyes snapped open at the force of my blow and he stared up at me in shock, his eyes slightly unfocused.
That look told me all I needed to know and I climbed off of him, grabbing for my clothes as I went. He sat up in bed, his hand raised to his rapidly reddening cheek and I felt a small surge of victory. :Hah! Take that you two timing little bitch!:: My mind shouted furiously at him, as I struggled to pull on my dress.
"Elisa, what are you doing?" He sounded confused and more than a little annoyed. Well, I just didn't care anymore. I hadn't had any fun on the date, all he did was talk about Aya. It seemed Aya had an opinion on everything. It was always 'Oh, Aya thinks this about that' or 'Aya would never do that' or whatever. Everything had to be all about Aya. And the drunker he got, the more he babbled. I was sorry I had ever mentioned anything about it.
I thought we were finally getting somewhere when he responded to my moves down there in the hallway, I thought that I was just mistaken about how he seemed to feel towards this Aya person, but I was wrong! He was just using me to make Aya jealous! And now he had the audacity to call out his name in the middle of sex.
If you could call it sex that is.
I was the one doing everything! Sure he kissed me, but that was only one time and it wasn't even all that good. His mouth was lifeless against mine, and afterwards he returned to his mechanical state, just going through the motions. He only seemed to respond truly after we turned off the lights. ::But that was probably to make it easier for him to fantasize about Aya::
I thought I could help him. It was obvious that red headed block of wood didn't feel anything for him, and yet here he was, calling out for him. It disgusted me.
"You bastard!" I whispered angrily from between clenched teeth. My face twisted angrily and I looked around for something to throw. Seeing a picture of the two of them at the park, I snatched it up off the desk and hurled it at him. He caught it easily and I marveled once more at his grace. "You...you..." I couldn't find the right adjectives to describe what I was feeling. There just wasn't a word for complete and utter contempt.
He didn't even look at me anymore, he was too busy staring down at that damned photo. And something told me that even if the London marching band came bursting in here, he wouldn't have even noticed. Giving a growl of frustration and anger, I turned and stormed out of the room, glaring at the little blonde kid as he peeked his head out to see what was going on.
As I stomped down the stairs, I could hear a door closing behind me but I didn't care to find out who's it was. I just wanted to leave. Forget about the man who had just made a fool of me, who had used me.
Just as I reached the front door, I looked into the room where the red head still was. He was still sitting in that blasted chair his head leaning back limply against the cushions behind him, his eyes listless. That book he was reading earlier was still on the floor. For a second I thought he was dead, until I saw the rise and fall of his chest. I felt anger and resentment boil up inside of me and I walked stiffly over to where he sat.
"You!" I shouted, my eyes were little more than angry slits now and I had to remind myself not to grit my teeth. He blinked and looked at me, his expression confused. I noticed that his eyes looked a little puffy and red rimmed. ::Must have been crying. Serves him right!:: Pulling my hand back, I slapped him across the face as hard as I could, the force of the blow leaving my hand stinging. I could only imagine what it did to his face.
He stared at me, his eyes full of disbelief quickly fading to anger. As I looked into his eyes, I began to feel a little afraid but I reminded myself that -I- was the one wronged here, and he couldn't do anything to me.
"This is all your fault! Everything is your fault! I had a chance at a decent evening tonight! But no! Everything had to come back to you! All he did was talk about you." I couldn't stop myself. I didn't care if I was being redundant or sounded stupid, I was too enraged to care. "Everything was Aya this or Aya that! Even sex!" I clenched my hands into fists at my side and I could feel my fake nails digging into my palms.
"What are you talking about?" His voice was cold fire and it sent shivers down my spine. He certainly was beautiful, but too cold for my tastes. Though why I was checking him out after everything he had done to me was beyond my comprehension.
"HE CALLED YOUR NAME WHEN WE WERE HAVING SEX!" I screamed as loud as I could, my face growing red from exertion. I tightened my fists and felt one of my nails pop off but I was too angry to care. He stared at me, his eyes wide with shock and I curled my lip at him. "Fucking assholes."
Turning on my heel, I walked out of the room, my back ramrod straight, taking the time to kick that blasted book on my way out. Grabbing my coat as I left, I slammed the door behind me. Remembering that I had taken a cab over here, I groaned. Looks like a long walk for me. Looking down at my hands I sighed in disgust as I started walking in the direction of my apartment.
"And I just got my nails done."
~*~*~*~
I stared in shock at the retreating back of the woman Youji had brought home. ::Youji... called... my name?!:: She couldn't be serious! Why would he do that? It was obvious by him bringing her here that he wanted to break off our 'affair'. Right?
I raised my hand up to the cheek where she had slapped me and lowered my eyes. ::He talked about me all night?:: The thought was enough to make me want to jump for joy, but my disbelief covered it like a wet blanket. There was no way that Youji would do that. Not over me at least. But I couldn't stop myself from hoping, wishing that what the crazy woman had said was true. I was desperate for any excuse to keep Youji. I didn't want to lose him.
::I love him:: Remembering my earlier vow to myself, I winced. There was no way I could tell him now, and the thought hurt. More than anything I wanted Youji to know that I loved him, that he was the most important thing to me, and that I wanted nothing more than to be with him. But I couldn't tell him that... not after the way his date left. He'd probably laugh at me and slam the door in my face.
I was beginning to think that I could handle that, nothing could be worse than the little display earlier. ::At least he would know how I felt:: I wanted to still be his friend, any sort of contact with him is preferable to none at all. And if I didn't talk to him now, things would be even more awkward and strained than they would be if I told him all.
Steeling my nerves, I got up from my chair, picking up the fallen book and putting it on the chair. Running my hand through my hair once, I thought briefly of how I must look. ::Probably like shit:: and I winced. I hoped it wasn't noticeable that I had been crying.
Straightening my shirt, I stood tall and made my way up the stairs. ::God I hope this isn't a mistake::
~*~*~*~
I didn't even notice when Elisa left, my mind was focused on the picture I held in my hands. It was one of Aya and I, taken one day that I had managed to drag him to the park. Thinking of that day made me grow even sadder, and gently ran my finger of the picture-Aya's face. ::God I miss him:: Even though it had been only a short while since I had seen him, it seemed like forever. Especially since I knew that I would never get to be anything closer than a co-worker and fellow assassin after tonight.
::I really fucked up this time didn't I:: If Aya ever forgave me, which I highly doubted, things would never be the same between us. I knew that it was a mistake to go out tonight, especially when I didn't want to go. ::I should have just canceled:: If tonight had taught me anything, it was that I didn't belong with anyone except Aya. Even with Asuka I didn't feel this way. Being with Aya was just right. It was how I wanted to be.
And I had just ruined everything. ::Not that there was that much to ruin anyway:: Not for the first time, I cursed myself for being too much of a coward to admit to Aya my feelings for him. After the first week of us being lovers, I was happier than I ever dreamed. But I was afraid that he was just playing with me. I didn't want to show him that I was falling for him. That I had already fell.
And so I started dating other people again. He never mentioned anything about it, and so I took it as he didn't care if I dated around. That hurt. That hurt a lot. So I continued to do it. Though I never brought anyone home. I didn't feel that way towards anyone but Aya. And tonight's disaster just proved that.
Feeling my eyes begin to feel with tears, I noticed my hands were shaking. ::Damnit! Why does it have to hurt so much?!:: I was just glad that no one was here to witness me falling apart. I don't think I could handle that right now.
Hearing a soft knock on my still open door, I gave an inward groan. ::It would figure:: I thought, looking up. My eyes widened when I noticed it was Aya and I nearly dropped the picture. I could do nothing more than stare in disbelief as he walked hesitantly into the room, to stand before me.
"Youji, we need to talk." His voice was still the same monotone, but I could hear something underneath it, though I didn't know what it was. Still in my shocked state, I could do nothing more than nod at him and scooted over on the bed to make room for him. He sat down and I noticed with sadness that there was a good foot of space between us. I had a pretty good idea of what this 'talk' was going to be about.
I saw him look over at the picture in curiosity and I resisted the urge to hide it. I'd never told him I kept the picture, I had kept it hidden on my desk under the scattering of papers. I hoped he wouldn't take it. It was one of my most precious possessions.
"Youji" His voice was soft, and was that a hint of uncertainty? My mind boggled at the thought. ::Aya unsure?!:: I could do nothing more than stare some more. He blinked at me, his hand slowly reaching out to touch the picture. As I felt a small tug on it, I looked down to see that he was trying to take it but my hands wouldn't let go.
"No." I managed to stutter out. I didn't care what he did to me, I didn't want to lose my only picture of him. "Don't take it please." My voice was begging, and I didn't bother to hide it.
"Youji." Again, he said my name. Only this time it was different, his tone still held that small bit of uncertainty but it sounded amazed. I blinked. Looking up at his beautiful violet eyes, I was overcome with a sense of loss. He was so close and yet I couldn't touch him. I had lost that right when I brought Elisa over.
He let go of the picture and instead raised his hand to my cheek. The one that Elisa had slapped. I noticed that one of his cheeks was red as well, in the shape of a handprint and I stared. ::She hit him too!? That bitch! She had no right to lay a finger on my Aya!!:: I winced as I thought that. He wasn't my Aya anymore.
"Youji." I was sensing a pattern here, but I didn't care. I loved the way my name sounded on his lips. He could say it for eternity and I'd be happy. As long as he was still there. With a sigh he let his hand drop down to his lap again and he lowered his gaze from mine. I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and I knew that this wasn't going to be good.
"Youji. I know that we don't have anything other than sex." He began, and I felt a part of me die with his words. ::I knew it. He's going to tell me that everything is over.:: "But tonight has taught me something..." He was continuing with the words that were, syllable by syllable, destroying my soul. "Youji I..." I couldn't take it anymore. I put my finger over his mouth and looked deep into his eyes.
"Don't say it Aya. I know what you're going to say and I need to say something first." He stared at me, his eyes confused. I kept my finger where it was, enjoying even this small contact. "I know I messed up tonight. I didn't like Elisa, and I don't even know why I asked her out in the first place, much less brought her back here. I don't have an excuse for what I did, I can only say that it meant nothing." I was amazed at myself for lasting this long. It was hard to not give into the urge to cry. He started to say something but I shook my head.
"No, I have to say this. Please Aya, hear me out." His nod was so tiny I wouldn't have noticed it had I not had my finger pressed to his lips. "I know that all we have is sex. And I've never regretted anything more than that." His eyes went wide and he would have turned his face away if I had not put my other hand on his cheek. "I want more. I've always wanted more." It was getting hard to speak and I lowered my eyes, trying to find my voice again.
I started as I felt his lips kiss my finger and my eyes flew to his face. He brought his hand up to cover the one on his cheek and he gave me a small smile as he continued to kiss my finger. I was so shocked I could do nothing more than stare and he smirked.
"Can I finish what I was going to say now?" He asked, his voice low and husky. I nodded slowly, to stunned and hopeful for words. He pulled my hands away from his face and my face fell. Until I noticed that he hadn't let go of them. Slowly he leaned over, his eyes never leaving mine, and pressed his lips gently to mine.
::This was what a kiss should be like:: A rush of emotions overtook me and I wrapped my arms around his neck deepening the kiss, savoring the sweet taste of Aya. All too soon he broke the kiss and brought his lips close to my ear. I shivered as his warm breath tickled and his next words shocked me to my core.
"I love you, Youji." My face was frozen in permanent surprise, my eyes wide and my mouth hanging open. I stared at him, a million thoughts running through my brain and yet only one penetrating the haze of passion that came every time Aya kissed me. ::HE LOVES ME!! HE SAID HE LOVES ME!!::
I couldn't believe it. He said he loved me. He didn't laugh at me or push me away. He actually said he loved me!! I was overcome with joy and a warm feeling in me and then all thought faded as Aya kissed me again and together we fell back onto the bed, a tangle of limbs and passion. Looking up at him, my eyes half closed from sheer pleasure, I raised my hand to the slap mark again. As much of a bitch that she was, Elisa had managed to bring them together. I owed her one. ::Maybe I won't kill her::
"I love you Aya." I murmured as he leaned in for another kiss. He smiled at me and ran his hand along my own, matching handprint. I wondered if the same thing was running through his head. I couldn't help but feel like I had been given a special gift, and I knew that I had. "Forever."
~Owari~ (for the side story at least)
Author's notes: Right. So I've so sorry that this has taken me forever and a day to write and get out...o.o I've been quite lazy and distracted... this part was hard for me to write...lol, I was having fun right up until Youji came home with the woman, and then I just sorta got stuck. As you can see ...o.o I'm very sorry that the ending is rather anti climatic and sucky, but I am So Tired right now, and I wanted to get it done and posted before I went to sleep... o.O
Oi this turned out wayyy longer than I wanted it to... It just sorta ran away without me... and I'm sorry if Youji and Aya seemed out of character (Elisa was mine, she was engineered to be a bitch) but they're hard to write! ESPECIALLY Aya... O.o and the end part... I made Youji sound like a girl... blech...but I'm too lazy to go back and fix it... I'm just happy I got this done!! Yay! Its been hanging over my head for a while..
I felt bad for the book though!! It was my favorite character in this entire story! And it kept getting forgotten and abused!! *sniff* stupid Aya... just DUMPING the poor book on the floor all the time. *Siiiiigh*
...
And I need to stop right now...because even as I write this the ending is leering at me with its utter suckiness and I reallly don't want to go back and fix it...u.u;; Hope you all liked it! *cough* even though it really sucked.....v.v....
Right.... Leaving now.