Every time I look at him, my heart aches. I know that it's foolish to allow such emotions to over take me, even over something as little as a mere glance. But it's true. I love him so much that it hurts, and if it was possible to die of emotion overload, I'm sure I would. I've tried to hide it, I've tried to distance myself from him. But all of it is in vain.
...Because every time I look at him...
...my heart aches...
Fallen Tears
::Chapter 6::
Standard Disclaimers Apply.
After long hours of staring up at my ceiling until the wee hours of the morning, I came to a conclusion. My ceiling is boring.
Now I know that might sound odd to you, but you try entertaining yourself for hours by staring at it and see how interesting you think it is then. Most other people's ceilings usually have little bumps you can count, or various objects dangling down or, if they're somewhat violent or particularly run down, cracks by which they can make little mazes out of to pass the time. Or those little glow in the dark stars. The not so subtle but attractive, nightlights.
But not my ceiling. It was just plain and flat, stretching as far as my eye could see without having to turn my head. Quite boring. And after spending the vast majority of the night with nothing more to do than to stare at my boring ceiling and think about what had happened just a few hours ago, it is needless to say that I was quite irritable by the time my alarm went off.
As I rolled over to shut off the beeping machine, my mind traveled back to what I had been thinking about all night, despite my every effort not to. In one word, Omi. All night long, memories of the almost kiss with Omi played in my head, mocking me with my own blatant stupidity. ::I can't believe I did that!:: For what could have been the five hundred billionth time in the past few hours, I mentally berated myself for my near molestation of Omi.
I had gone to his room after the sounds of Youji and his date had gotten unbearable, my hand on the door to leave my room when I heard the woman flip over something. I couldn't help but feel a little sorry for Youji as the woman's voice rose in decimal the more she shrieked, but I was unable to stop the flash of relief flooding through me as I heard her stomping out of his room. Maybe things will fix themselves between Aya and Youji... I hated seeing them like that.
In the wake of the woman, I made my way to Omi's room, shutting the door behind me as I saw him at his computer, obviously working on the mission. Just the sight of him made me feel like everything would be all right and even though I knew it was a bad idea, I moved to sit on his bed. Looking at him sitting in his chair, twisted around so he could face me, I felt this indescribable urge to hug him. I racked my brain for something to say, the silence was stretching thin.
In the end I came off sounding like a mindless drone and when he came to sit on the bed as well, he made sure to keep a fair amount of distance between us. I think that, more than anything, told me that I had little less than a snowball's chance in hell at having Omi. This knowledge only made me even sadder. I tried to smile at him, to not let how sad I was at how I was slowly losing him, not that I ever had him in the first place.
When I found myself slowly sliding towards him, my breath shallow and my heart beating so loud I could hear scarce else, I was horrified. Being this close to him only brought back all the feelings and frustration that I was having while Youji and his date made their lovely little love noises and I could feel myself returning back into that state. What was I doing? I tried to pull back but found myself unable to do anything to stop my descent into heaven and hell.
Thank god Youji's date screamed before I could actually kiss him. I had wanted to. Wanted to kiss him so badly it was almost painful. And that desire was not in the least dampened by the fact that I couldn't. I started to apologize, at the same time that he started to speak, most likely to apologize as well and the tension between us disappeared. However, I couldn't stop myself from feeling guilty for what could have happened. Embarrassed and ashamed for pushing myself on Omi, I left to come back and stare at my boring ceiling all night. Oh yeah, fun fun.
With a groan I flopped back onto my bed, flinging an arm over my grit filled eyes. ::I almost kissed Omi! What was I thinking?!:: I couldn't believe I almost let myself take advantage of Omi's generous nature. ::He wanted it too. He wasn't the only one leaning in.:: That stupid voice was back , but I just ignored it. Of course he would attempt to kiss back. It was just Omi's nature. He was too selfless. ::Probably afraid of hurting my feelings or something like that:: I thought, disgusted with myself.
A pounding on my door brought me out of my self-admonishment and I knew without hearing the annoyed voice from the other side, that it was Youji. With a heartfelt sigh, I pulled myself out of my prone position and, with lazy steps, dragged myself over to the door. I opened it to find a disgruntled blonde standing in the hallway with his fist raised to pound on the door more. Leaning on the door handle I looked up at him wanly, fighting the battle to keep my eyes from shutting.
"You're late. Did you forget you have morning shift with me?" Putting his hands on his hips , he glared at me, his eyes hard. I felt the urge to roll my eyes, but couldn't find the energy to do so. ::How could I forget with him whining about it all the time?:: Stifling a yawn, I nodded vaguely in his direction and shut the door without even waiting for his response.
I stumbled over to my dresser and grabbed the first articles of clothing that I encountered and pulled them on, almost forgetting to change out of my sleeping clothes first. ::I need coffee:: My brain latched onto that thought and wouldn't let go as I made my way down the stairs and into the kitchen. I noted vaguely that the shop hadn't been opened yet and wondered if perhaps Youji was lying and had simply come and got me early.
As I walked into the kitchen, I glanced up at the clock. It read 11:30 and I stared. ::Wow. I'm really late. Why didn't he come get me earlier?:: I had been too absorbed in all my thoughts of Omi that I hadn't even realized the time and had been staring at my ceiling for longer than I had thought. I thought back to the still closed doors to the shop and my muddled mind nearly went into overdrive trying to work on reasons for that.
::Maybe he slept in?:: I would have laughed at that if I had had any energy. ::Like Aya would let him sleep in:: I stopped as I witnessed Aya sitting at the kitchen table, looking like he just woke up, a mug of coffee cradled in his hands. My eyes flitted from Aya to the fully dressed and nearly perky Youji and back again. They narrowed suspiciously. ::A late night, it seems, was had by all:: Moving over to the coffeepot, I poured myself a cup and took a large swallow.
As the bitter liquid settled in my stomach, I looked over to where Youji had settled himself next to and nearly onto, Aya. He was staring at the moody redhead with a slight look of adoration in his eyes and I would have made a crack about how he was acting like a girl if I weren't so burnt out. Seems like I would be doing lots of things this morning. I never realized how busy I was before.
What surprised me, though, was the fact that Aya wasn't saying anything about it. Usually he would snap at the playboy or completely ignore him. But today he seemed inclined to glance surreptitiously at the blonde every once in a while and I could almost swear they were communicating with their eyes. This was decidedly odd behavior my two teammates and I was sure that something had happened last night.
That suspicion was confirmed when Aya leaned over and placed an almost chaste kiss on Youji's mouth, startling both Youji and me. ::Looks like they made up.:: I noted with wry amusement before making my way out of the room, coffee mug still clutched in one hand.
I was feeling slightly better the more I drank the brown sludge and I could almost convince myself that I could handle the masses. Of the elderly that is. ::Thank god school has already started for the day:: I was already dreading the hordes of screaming fangirls that came in the afternoon, not to mention that's the time that Omi would be getting home. I didn't think I could handle facing him again after last night. ::He'd probably just smile at me and not mention anything:: I thought bitterly. ::He's too nice to bring up something as humiliating as that.:: It was one of the reasons I loved him so much. His sacrificing nature.
Raising my cup to my lips once more, I sighed as I remembered the feel of Omi's sweet breath on my mouth. The temptation had almost been too great then. ::If we had been just a little closer... :: I cut off that line of thought before I could get it started. I didn't kiss Omi. I couldn't kiss Omi. I wouldn't ever get to kiss Omi. That was the end of it. I had to learn to let it go. Somehow.
Closing my eyes briefly, I felt myself almost give in to the exhaustion that was threatening to claim my body. I felt as though I was falling into darkness, with no one to catch me, save the sound of Omi's name. My fingers itched to touch him, and I snapped my eyes open with the fear that I would be caught daydreaming about Omi again.
"Ken," I heard the sharp voice of Aya behind me and I thanked the not so boring ceiling of the closed shop that I hadn't given into my urge to daydream. I turned around to see that Aya had changed into his day wear and that Youji was standing behind him, a grin on his face. Taking a quick glance at the casual clothes Youji was wearing, I narrowed my eyes. ::Those aren't his shop clothes:: He winked at me as he came up to put his arms around Aya's waist. I felt a twinge of jealousy clench my heart.
"We're not going to open the shop today Ken." Youji's voice was light and happy as he leaned his chin on Aya's shoulder. The redhead just looked at him out of the corner of his eye before returning his gaze to me. I blinked in confusion. ::That would explain their clothes...:: I stared at them some more. ::Okay... so they made up last night that still doesn't explain the closed shop. I don't think Aya would close the shop over something like that.::
"We're going out." As usual, Aya cut straight to the point. "Youji and I are going out for the day. Unless you want to work the shop by yourself then you have the day off." Turning on his heel, he walked out of the room, his steps stiff and precise as always. I stared after him for a moment before tearing my gaze back to Youji.
"Then why did you come get me if you weren't even planning on opening the shop?" I felt annoyed at him for having interrupted my staring contest with my ceiling, but at the same time grateful for giving me something to think about. He grinned at me and shook his head.
"It was time for you to get up anyway." A lame excuse as always, but I was too tired to press the issue. Not to mention that I was thankful for not having to work today. "Well, I'm off. Don't expect us back anytime soon!" He said cheerfully.
My sleep-deprived mind was having a bit of trouble processing all of this. Youji just flashed me the victory sign and rustled my already messy hair as he left to follow his lover. ::So he did close the shop for Youji.:: The thought baffled me and yet at the same time left me feeling hollow. I was jealous of what Aya and Youji had obviously found. I wanted that with Omi. But Omi could never want me like that.
I froze as I remembered that we had the mission tonight. ::Damnit! How could I forget?!:: I cursed myself and shook my head at my own absent mindedness. Tonight, simply put, was going to suck. ::I'm going to be alone with Omi for the entire night.:: Never mind the fact that it was an actual mission and that the bad guys would be there too. The actual mechanics of the mission were the furthest thing from my mind at that point, and whether or not that was a good thing was still up to the judges. ::Alone. With Omi.:: I couldn't seem to let the idea of it go, and I took another gulp of my now lukewarm coffee as I attempted to calm down.
As I took a step forward I felt my legs waver from under me and I grabbed onto the wall to steady myself. It appeared that the coffee wasn't enough to counteract the exhaustion I felt from the fact that I hadn't slept all night.
I stumbled out into the hallway, my legs nearly giving out completely as I thought of the long trek up the stairs. It was odd how one night of no sleep had done this to me. ::Must be all the other nights that I barely slept:: The logical side of my brain reasoned. However, the lover part of my brain wouldn't let go of the fact that I was going to be alone with Omi and the assassin side kept wanting to remind me of my upcoming mission. Meanwhile, the rest of my brain seemed to be asleep and ignoring everything else. As I dragged myself upwards, each step seemingly a mile high, I had to agree with the vast majority that was already sleeping. Sleep is good.
::Just a small nap before the mission.:: I thought to myself as I finally made it to my room after what couldn't have been any less than twenty years. ::I can't very well go in this condition:: I collapsed on my bed and closed my eyes so I wouldn't be sucked into staring at the ceiling again.
Thankfully sleep overcame me quickly and I once more found myself falling into the darkness, only this time I didn't try to fight it. I prayed that I wouldn't dream. ::Have to have energy for mission with Omi. Alone... with ...Omi:: My mind shut down as the darkness of sleep overrode my body and in the darkness the echo of Omi's name lived on.
~*~*~*~
I never before realized how fascinating the blinking cursor on my computer screen could be. And after spending almost the entirety of the night staring at it, I realized why that was. Because it's not.
It just sits there, blinking in time with my heartbeat, mocking me with its simple life. Now don't get me wrong, its not that I'm jealous of my computer or anything, its just that sometimes I wish I could sit and blink for a while without having to worry about love or missions or anything. All night long, just blink on. Blink off. Blink on. Blink off. Quite mindless, I assure you.
And I sat there, in my computer chair, not moving, not speaking, just staring and trying not to think of what had just happened a few hours before. ::I ...almost... kissed... Ken:: Despite my efforts, my mind refused to let go on the humiliating scene of the night and I was helpless to stop it. ::I can't believe I almost let myself take advantage of Ken's giving nature. :: I thought for what must have been the hundredth time that night.
The blinking on the monitor ceased as my screen saver took over and I reached out to touch the mouse. It was almost an automatic reaction to me now, having done it all night long. Not two minutes after Ken had left my room earlier, I had sat up from my prone position on my bed and moved to sit in front of my computer, intent on working on the mission to take my mind off of what might have happened.
::I should probably get ready for school:: I pondered absently as I sat back in my chair to watch the blinking commence once more. Resting my chin in the palm of one hand, I scrubbed at my gritty eyes with the back of the other. I had no idea what time it was, and personally, I didn't care. ::Aya will probably come up and yell at me if I get too late:: I racked my brain trying to think of who had morning shift today and let out a small mental groan as I realized that Ken was one of them.
::Maybe school isn't so bad...:: I thought as I attempted to hoist myself out of my chair without much luck. My mind brought up images of the screaming girls at school and the questioning looks of my teachers. ::Then again, maybe I can feign sickness and Aya will let me stay home from school and I can just hide in the basement for the day:: If I had had the energy, I would have laughed. ::Right. Aya let me stay home?:: I could see that happening. Uh huh. The day that Ken and I confess our love and have mad passionate sex in a motel. Right.
A pounding at my door snapped me out of my reverie and I slowly turned my head towards the noise. The person on the other side stopped their knocking after about ten seconds and I thought they had left. I started to return my gaze back to my computer when it started up again, this time more insistent. With a small sigh, I picked myself up out of my chair and, with slow forceful steps, made my way to the door.
Opening it slightly, I blinked up at Aya, only slightly surprised to see him there. ::I must be late for school:: He stared at me for a second before turning and walking away. I looked after him for a second and shut the door, figuring that I had better get ready for school. ::Looks like no staying home for me::
Walking over to my dresser, I grabbed my school uniform and pulled it on, not caring if it was wrinkled or not. Running my hand through my spastic hair, I stumbled slightly as I exited the room. ::So... tired...:: I needed caffeine, even willing to settle for coffee if it could wake me up. I could only hope that Ken wasn't downstairs yet, though knowing my luck he would be.
As I walked down the stairs I noticed that the shop was still dark and I frowned slightly. ::I can't be early. Aya wouldn't have bothered coming to get me if I wasn't late:: My sleep deprived brain was tying itself into knots trying to figure out what was going on, but the rest of me didn't care. I headed towards the kitchen with the single thought of coffee on my mind.
Glancing up at the clock as I walked in, I blinked. Eleven o'clock?! I stopped where I stood and stared up at it. ::There's no way that it's eleven. The shop isn't open yet and Aya isn't telling me that I missed school:: I looked around the kitchen and saw that Aya had already made his way in before me and was standing by the coffeepot pouring himself some of the bitter drink.
"Ne, Omi..." I heard Youji's lazy drawl from off to the right of me and I turned my head to look at him. He flashed me a quick smile and raised his coffee mug as if in toast. "Me and Aya are going out for the day so we decided not to open the shop!" Youji declared, taking a quick swig of his drink. I stared. ::Wow... it seems like they made up...:: Shaking my head slightly I stumbled over to the coffeepot, pouring myself a cup with shaky hands.
I looked over at Aya questioningly as I took a big swallow and he stared back at me before allowing himself a small smile and nodding slightly in my direction. It seemed that my guess had been correct and that the little spat with the woman last night had fixed things between them. Watching as Aya moved over to stand by Youji I felt my eyes widen slightly in jealousy. They looked so perfect together, Aya resting his hand on Youji's shoulder protectively and Youji looking up at him with a slight smirk on his lips. I wanted that with Ken. I wanted it so bad.
"You don't have to go to school today either, since we're taking the day off," Youji continued, tearing his eyes away from Aya to look at me. I blinked once in acknowledgement and turned to walk out the door. The sound of the playmate's voice stopped me and I felt my forehead crease slightly in confusion at the concern in his voice. Turning around seemed to be too much effort and I stood with my back facing them. "Ahh... Don't forget about the mission tonight." He said, sounding as if he wanted to say something else. I nodded once and walked out of the room, towards the basement.
The stairs back up to my room seemed too daunting and also that at least on the stairs down to the basement, I had gravity on my side and didn't have to work as hard. Not to mention and I wasn't sure if I would encounter Ken up there or not. I didn't think I could face him after last night. Knowing him he'd probably just make a quick joke about it and not bring it up again. He was too sweet about those things. It was one of the reasons I loved him, he knew what to say to make someone feel better.
Making my way slowly down the stairs, my hand gripped tightly to the railing, I remembered my last real encounter with stairs. That had been a bad experience, falling down the stairs, though it had ended up with me sleeping in Ken's arms so I couldn't complain that much.
As my foot left the last step, I found myself already heading towards the chair in the far corner, my favorite spot whenever I was down here. Reaching the worn piece of furniture I blinked as I realized a book was on the cushion. I picked it up and looked at it, noting with some surprise that it was a book of poetry. ::Who's is this?:: I thought and then remembered having seen Aya reading it a few weeks ago, though what it was doing on my chair was beyond me.
Settling myself down in the familiar cushions I opened it to a random page, intent on reading some to take my mind off of Ken and the upcoming mission, and blinked at the title of the poem. I took a small sip of my rapidly cooling coffee and stared at the words on the page.
A cry on deaf ears
It is to him that I write this lyric,
Though these pages he will never see
He will never know that because of love
The eyes of the world are my enemy
If the age old saying still holds truly
You always hurt the ones you love dear
Even though he holds the knife unknown
He kills me whenever he is near
It is impossible for me to speak of
Of everything he's done and said
It would take too long, I'm lost in his eyes
Forever alive, eternally dead
Just once I wish I could tell him,
Falling for love, I've already fell
I'm gazing at the highest of angels,
From the lowest bowels of hell
And though he will never know my love
For me to know him is to feel blessed
And so unworthy of him
Is this heart that beat within my chest.
~ Author unknown.
It was a love poem, written for a secret flame, and it clenched my heart with its tragedy. It reminded me too much of how I felt for Ken and I blinked rapidly as tears stung the corners of my eyes. ::Great way to take my mind off of Ken:: I thought bitterly, closing the book. Any hope of peace down here had been shattered and I set the book and my now cold coffee down on the floor next to the chair.
My eyes drooped closed of their own violation, despite my efforts to keep them open. I had to stay awake, had to try to find more on the mission. The darkness rushed up to claim me and I knew my battle was fruitless, that even if I had been able to stay awake, it would have been stupid to do so. I could only pray I didn't dream. ::Gotta have energy for the mission::
::The mission with Ken:: That evil voice was back and reminding me again of the reason I both loved and dreaded this upcoming mission. I was too tired to do anything more than acknowledge the truth in the statement before I was swallowed up by the darkness, the sweet voice of Ken calling my name echoing in my dreams.
TBC
Author's notes: Right, so um...sorry that this took so long to write! I was in a major slump for a while and then after I figured out what I wanted to do with this chapter, I had a few motivational issues, not to mention that things around my house have been strained... x.x my brother is a total jerk. *nod nod* Ah well... :D Its not so bad... sorry about the rushed ending...I have five minutes left on the computer and I so wanted this to be done. ^_^
Ahh...if you couldn't tell, the poem was written by me, thus proving that poetry is yet another thing I should add to my list of "I CANNOT DO SO DON'T EVEN TRY" ^^ not that it's a new development or anything... I've known that I can't do poetry since the 6th grade when they made us do this poetry assignment... I'm just too lazy to look up a good poem on the net and I wanted a poem in there somewhere *nod nod* It was written on a whim (can't you tell? ^___^) and really, as sad as this is, is one of my better poems...lol, ahh... poetry...
So yup, sorry that I took so long getting this out...and um... feedback is always appreciated!! Ja bai bai~!!
Next Chapter: The mission
And possibly and epilogue after that. *possibly*
Thankies to my reviewers:
H-grey: *mwaha* Yes! Aya and Youji are the best!! I'm tempted to write a AxY fic after I finish this one... ^_^ They're very cool! I feel the ideas starting already!
Tmelange: Hehe, again! Love the Aya and Youji!! They're my second favorite couple! (not that there's many to chose from) and gahh... the more I write these the more I want to write an AxY fic... yes... that is definitely next on my list...
Ayako: Awww...you're great!! Hehe, ehh... its not that great...I could have done wayyyyy soo much better, but thank you!! *glomps* you're the greatest!
Ms. C: Ariga~tou... It was hard to write Elisa... I kept wanting to make her be all nice and forgiving ...but, for the sake of Aya and Youji, I pressed on and made her flip... gotta love it ne?
Ka.Mu.I!!: hehe, of course I wrote the AxY thing....you asked (commanded) it of me! How can I refuse one such as you...? ^_^ Thanks for reviewing...and remember! I still love you!
Link621: Discomfort! Yes!! I shall remember that!! Next time I get the urge to use Uncomfortableness, I shall instead use discomfort! All because you informed me of such! *flying glomps* Thank you so so much for always reviewing...you're the best!
Yami no naka e: ^____^ that Aya and Youji thing took me a while to write...and I still think that I could have done SO MUCH better... well, I know I could have...but I try not to re read it much... it just...pains me sometimes to think of it....lol
Strawberry Goodness: *silently points to the above chapter* There's Ken and Omi!
Deathwing: hehe, I see that you're one of the new KenxOmi fans... (or not so new, but then again, its late and don't mind me) Thank you for reviewing!! And here is more KxO for you!
Lumos Nox: Yes! One day we shall band together and set those funny little hats on fire!! (I used to live in England) But for now! I must thank you for reviewing! You're the greatest! And aren't Ken and Omi so cute? Yes, WRITE MORE KENxOMI
Manie Coon: Wai~!! Hehe, thank you !! I'm working on my writings... I still have a loooong way to go... but at least I'm making the chapters longer ... that's a good thing right? Hey hey! Don't roll your eyes at me... *hrmph* hehe
Shime: *siiiigh* you only review because I was complaining... hehe, but thank you!! *glomps* come back! I wanna read more of your fic! *hard stare* WRITE MORE ! (and of course no lemons) x.x
Aphrael: Ahh...don't apologize! The more reviews the better!! I'm honored you read this fic *nod nod* You write such good ones yourself! So very cute !! ^____^ *encourages* Yes... review alll you want... ^^ my friend made a bet with me that I couldn't get 50 reviews for this story (Me: *stares* 50!?!?!) so um....lol... please don't make me have to walk around school with a cane pretending I'm blind... (the terms)
And of course, Lady Cosmos: One day... ONE DAY I shall get you to leave a review... but for the time being... *major glomps* Thank you for 'encouraging' me through the writing of this chapter.. it sure took a while...lol, hope you like!
...Because every time I look at him...
...my heart aches...
Fallen Tears
::Chapter 6::
Standard Disclaimers Apply.
After long hours of staring up at my ceiling until the wee hours of the morning, I came to a conclusion. My ceiling is boring.
Now I know that might sound odd to you, but you try entertaining yourself for hours by staring at it and see how interesting you think it is then. Most other people's ceilings usually have little bumps you can count, or various objects dangling down or, if they're somewhat violent or particularly run down, cracks by which they can make little mazes out of to pass the time. Or those little glow in the dark stars. The not so subtle but attractive, nightlights.
But not my ceiling. It was just plain and flat, stretching as far as my eye could see without having to turn my head. Quite boring. And after spending the vast majority of the night with nothing more to do than to stare at my boring ceiling and think about what had happened just a few hours ago, it is needless to say that I was quite irritable by the time my alarm went off.
As I rolled over to shut off the beeping machine, my mind traveled back to what I had been thinking about all night, despite my every effort not to. In one word, Omi. All night long, memories of the almost kiss with Omi played in my head, mocking me with my own blatant stupidity. ::I can't believe I did that!:: For what could have been the five hundred billionth time in the past few hours, I mentally berated myself for my near molestation of Omi.
I had gone to his room after the sounds of Youji and his date had gotten unbearable, my hand on the door to leave my room when I heard the woman flip over something. I couldn't help but feel a little sorry for Youji as the woman's voice rose in decimal the more she shrieked, but I was unable to stop the flash of relief flooding through me as I heard her stomping out of his room. Maybe things will fix themselves between Aya and Youji... I hated seeing them like that.
In the wake of the woman, I made my way to Omi's room, shutting the door behind me as I saw him at his computer, obviously working on the mission. Just the sight of him made me feel like everything would be all right and even though I knew it was a bad idea, I moved to sit on his bed. Looking at him sitting in his chair, twisted around so he could face me, I felt this indescribable urge to hug him. I racked my brain for something to say, the silence was stretching thin.
In the end I came off sounding like a mindless drone and when he came to sit on the bed as well, he made sure to keep a fair amount of distance between us. I think that, more than anything, told me that I had little less than a snowball's chance in hell at having Omi. This knowledge only made me even sadder. I tried to smile at him, to not let how sad I was at how I was slowly losing him, not that I ever had him in the first place.
When I found myself slowly sliding towards him, my breath shallow and my heart beating so loud I could hear scarce else, I was horrified. Being this close to him only brought back all the feelings and frustration that I was having while Youji and his date made their lovely little love noises and I could feel myself returning back into that state. What was I doing? I tried to pull back but found myself unable to do anything to stop my descent into heaven and hell.
Thank god Youji's date screamed before I could actually kiss him. I had wanted to. Wanted to kiss him so badly it was almost painful. And that desire was not in the least dampened by the fact that I couldn't. I started to apologize, at the same time that he started to speak, most likely to apologize as well and the tension between us disappeared. However, I couldn't stop myself from feeling guilty for what could have happened. Embarrassed and ashamed for pushing myself on Omi, I left to come back and stare at my boring ceiling all night. Oh yeah, fun fun.
With a groan I flopped back onto my bed, flinging an arm over my grit filled eyes. ::I almost kissed Omi! What was I thinking?!:: I couldn't believe I almost let myself take advantage of Omi's generous nature. ::He wanted it too. He wasn't the only one leaning in.:: That stupid voice was back , but I just ignored it. Of course he would attempt to kiss back. It was just Omi's nature. He was too selfless. ::Probably afraid of hurting my feelings or something like that:: I thought, disgusted with myself.
A pounding on my door brought me out of my self-admonishment and I knew without hearing the annoyed voice from the other side, that it was Youji. With a heartfelt sigh, I pulled myself out of my prone position and, with lazy steps, dragged myself over to the door. I opened it to find a disgruntled blonde standing in the hallway with his fist raised to pound on the door more. Leaning on the door handle I looked up at him wanly, fighting the battle to keep my eyes from shutting.
"You're late. Did you forget you have morning shift with me?" Putting his hands on his hips , he glared at me, his eyes hard. I felt the urge to roll my eyes, but couldn't find the energy to do so. ::How could I forget with him whining about it all the time?:: Stifling a yawn, I nodded vaguely in his direction and shut the door without even waiting for his response.
I stumbled over to my dresser and grabbed the first articles of clothing that I encountered and pulled them on, almost forgetting to change out of my sleeping clothes first. ::I need coffee:: My brain latched onto that thought and wouldn't let go as I made my way down the stairs and into the kitchen. I noted vaguely that the shop hadn't been opened yet and wondered if perhaps Youji was lying and had simply come and got me early.
As I walked into the kitchen, I glanced up at the clock. It read 11:30 and I stared. ::Wow. I'm really late. Why didn't he come get me earlier?:: I had been too absorbed in all my thoughts of Omi that I hadn't even realized the time and had been staring at my ceiling for longer than I had thought. I thought back to the still closed doors to the shop and my muddled mind nearly went into overdrive trying to work on reasons for that.
::Maybe he slept in?:: I would have laughed at that if I had had any energy. ::Like Aya would let him sleep in:: I stopped as I witnessed Aya sitting at the kitchen table, looking like he just woke up, a mug of coffee cradled in his hands. My eyes flitted from Aya to the fully dressed and nearly perky Youji and back again. They narrowed suspiciously. ::A late night, it seems, was had by all:: Moving over to the coffeepot, I poured myself a cup and took a large swallow.
As the bitter liquid settled in my stomach, I looked over to where Youji had settled himself next to and nearly onto, Aya. He was staring at the moody redhead with a slight look of adoration in his eyes and I would have made a crack about how he was acting like a girl if I weren't so burnt out. Seems like I would be doing lots of things this morning. I never realized how busy I was before.
What surprised me, though, was the fact that Aya wasn't saying anything about it. Usually he would snap at the playboy or completely ignore him. But today he seemed inclined to glance surreptitiously at the blonde every once in a while and I could almost swear they were communicating with their eyes. This was decidedly odd behavior my two teammates and I was sure that something had happened last night.
That suspicion was confirmed when Aya leaned over and placed an almost chaste kiss on Youji's mouth, startling both Youji and me. ::Looks like they made up.:: I noted with wry amusement before making my way out of the room, coffee mug still clutched in one hand.
I was feeling slightly better the more I drank the brown sludge and I could almost convince myself that I could handle the masses. Of the elderly that is. ::Thank god school has already started for the day:: I was already dreading the hordes of screaming fangirls that came in the afternoon, not to mention that's the time that Omi would be getting home. I didn't think I could handle facing him again after last night. ::He'd probably just smile at me and not mention anything:: I thought bitterly. ::He's too nice to bring up something as humiliating as that.:: It was one of the reasons I loved him so much. His sacrificing nature.
Raising my cup to my lips once more, I sighed as I remembered the feel of Omi's sweet breath on my mouth. The temptation had almost been too great then. ::If we had been just a little closer... :: I cut off that line of thought before I could get it started. I didn't kiss Omi. I couldn't kiss Omi. I wouldn't ever get to kiss Omi. That was the end of it. I had to learn to let it go. Somehow.
Closing my eyes briefly, I felt myself almost give in to the exhaustion that was threatening to claim my body. I felt as though I was falling into darkness, with no one to catch me, save the sound of Omi's name. My fingers itched to touch him, and I snapped my eyes open with the fear that I would be caught daydreaming about Omi again.
"Ken," I heard the sharp voice of Aya behind me and I thanked the not so boring ceiling of the closed shop that I hadn't given into my urge to daydream. I turned around to see that Aya had changed into his day wear and that Youji was standing behind him, a grin on his face. Taking a quick glance at the casual clothes Youji was wearing, I narrowed my eyes. ::Those aren't his shop clothes:: He winked at me as he came up to put his arms around Aya's waist. I felt a twinge of jealousy clench my heart.
"We're not going to open the shop today Ken." Youji's voice was light and happy as he leaned his chin on Aya's shoulder. The redhead just looked at him out of the corner of his eye before returning his gaze to me. I blinked in confusion. ::That would explain their clothes...:: I stared at them some more. ::Okay... so they made up last night that still doesn't explain the closed shop. I don't think Aya would close the shop over something like that.::
"We're going out." As usual, Aya cut straight to the point. "Youji and I are going out for the day. Unless you want to work the shop by yourself then you have the day off." Turning on his heel, he walked out of the room, his steps stiff and precise as always. I stared after him for a moment before tearing my gaze back to Youji.
"Then why did you come get me if you weren't even planning on opening the shop?" I felt annoyed at him for having interrupted my staring contest with my ceiling, but at the same time grateful for giving me something to think about. He grinned at me and shook his head.
"It was time for you to get up anyway." A lame excuse as always, but I was too tired to press the issue. Not to mention that I was thankful for not having to work today. "Well, I'm off. Don't expect us back anytime soon!" He said cheerfully.
My sleep-deprived mind was having a bit of trouble processing all of this. Youji just flashed me the victory sign and rustled my already messy hair as he left to follow his lover. ::So he did close the shop for Youji.:: The thought baffled me and yet at the same time left me feeling hollow. I was jealous of what Aya and Youji had obviously found. I wanted that with Omi. But Omi could never want me like that.
I froze as I remembered that we had the mission tonight. ::Damnit! How could I forget?!:: I cursed myself and shook my head at my own absent mindedness. Tonight, simply put, was going to suck. ::I'm going to be alone with Omi for the entire night.:: Never mind the fact that it was an actual mission and that the bad guys would be there too. The actual mechanics of the mission were the furthest thing from my mind at that point, and whether or not that was a good thing was still up to the judges. ::Alone. With Omi.:: I couldn't seem to let the idea of it go, and I took another gulp of my now lukewarm coffee as I attempted to calm down.
As I took a step forward I felt my legs waver from under me and I grabbed onto the wall to steady myself. It appeared that the coffee wasn't enough to counteract the exhaustion I felt from the fact that I hadn't slept all night.
I stumbled out into the hallway, my legs nearly giving out completely as I thought of the long trek up the stairs. It was odd how one night of no sleep had done this to me. ::Must be all the other nights that I barely slept:: The logical side of my brain reasoned. However, the lover part of my brain wouldn't let go of the fact that I was going to be alone with Omi and the assassin side kept wanting to remind me of my upcoming mission. Meanwhile, the rest of my brain seemed to be asleep and ignoring everything else. As I dragged myself upwards, each step seemingly a mile high, I had to agree with the vast majority that was already sleeping. Sleep is good.
::Just a small nap before the mission.:: I thought to myself as I finally made it to my room after what couldn't have been any less than twenty years. ::I can't very well go in this condition:: I collapsed on my bed and closed my eyes so I wouldn't be sucked into staring at the ceiling again.
Thankfully sleep overcame me quickly and I once more found myself falling into the darkness, only this time I didn't try to fight it. I prayed that I wouldn't dream. ::Have to have energy for mission with Omi. Alone... with ...Omi:: My mind shut down as the darkness of sleep overrode my body and in the darkness the echo of Omi's name lived on.
~*~*~*~
I never before realized how fascinating the blinking cursor on my computer screen could be. And after spending almost the entirety of the night staring at it, I realized why that was. Because it's not.
It just sits there, blinking in time with my heartbeat, mocking me with its simple life. Now don't get me wrong, its not that I'm jealous of my computer or anything, its just that sometimes I wish I could sit and blink for a while without having to worry about love or missions or anything. All night long, just blink on. Blink off. Blink on. Blink off. Quite mindless, I assure you.
And I sat there, in my computer chair, not moving, not speaking, just staring and trying not to think of what had just happened a few hours before. ::I ...almost... kissed... Ken:: Despite my efforts, my mind refused to let go on the humiliating scene of the night and I was helpless to stop it. ::I can't believe I almost let myself take advantage of Ken's giving nature. :: I thought for what must have been the hundredth time that night.
The blinking on the monitor ceased as my screen saver took over and I reached out to touch the mouse. It was almost an automatic reaction to me now, having done it all night long. Not two minutes after Ken had left my room earlier, I had sat up from my prone position on my bed and moved to sit in front of my computer, intent on working on the mission to take my mind off of what might have happened.
::I should probably get ready for school:: I pondered absently as I sat back in my chair to watch the blinking commence once more. Resting my chin in the palm of one hand, I scrubbed at my gritty eyes with the back of the other. I had no idea what time it was, and personally, I didn't care. ::Aya will probably come up and yell at me if I get too late:: I racked my brain trying to think of who had morning shift today and let out a small mental groan as I realized that Ken was one of them.
::Maybe school isn't so bad...:: I thought as I attempted to hoist myself out of my chair without much luck. My mind brought up images of the screaming girls at school and the questioning looks of my teachers. ::Then again, maybe I can feign sickness and Aya will let me stay home from school and I can just hide in the basement for the day:: If I had had the energy, I would have laughed. ::Right. Aya let me stay home?:: I could see that happening. Uh huh. The day that Ken and I confess our love and have mad passionate sex in a motel. Right.
A pounding at my door snapped me out of my reverie and I slowly turned my head towards the noise. The person on the other side stopped their knocking after about ten seconds and I thought they had left. I started to return my gaze back to my computer when it started up again, this time more insistent. With a small sigh, I picked myself up out of my chair and, with slow forceful steps, made my way to the door.
Opening it slightly, I blinked up at Aya, only slightly surprised to see him there. ::I must be late for school:: He stared at me for a second before turning and walking away. I looked after him for a second and shut the door, figuring that I had better get ready for school. ::Looks like no staying home for me::
Walking over to my dresser, I grabbed my school uniform and pulled it on, not caring if it was wrinkled or not. Running my hand through my spastic hair, I stumbled slightly as I exited the room. ::So... tired...:: I needed caffeine, even willing to settle for coffee if it could wake me up. I could only hope that Ken wasn't downstairs yet, though knowing my luck he would be.
As I walked down the stairs I noticed that the shop was still dark and I frowned slightly. ::I can't be early. Aya wouldn't have bothered coming to get me if I wasn't late:: My sleep deprived brain was tying itself into knots trying to figure out what was going on, but the rest of me didn't care. I headed towards the kitchen with the single thought of coffee on my mind.
Glancing up at the clock as I walked in, I blinked. Eleven o'clock?! I stopped where I stood and stared up at it. ::There's no way that it's eleven. The shop isn't open yet and Aya isn't telling me that I missed school:: I looked around the kitchen and saw that Aya had already made his way in before me and was standing by the coffeepot pouring himself some of the bitter drink.
"Ne, Omi..." I heard Youji's lazy drawl from off to the right of me and I turned my head to look at him. He flashed me a quick smile and raised his coffee mug as if in toast. "Me and Aya are going out for the day so we decided not to open the shop!" Youji declared, taking a quick swig of his drink. I stared. ::Wow... it seems like they made up...:: Shaking my head slightly I stumbled over to the coffeepot, pouring myself a cup with shaky hands.
I looked over at Aya questioningly as I took a big swallow and he stared back at me before allowing himself a small smile and nodding slightly in my direction. It seemed that my guess had been correct and that the little spat with the woman last night had fixed things between them. Watching as Aya moved over to stand by Youji I felt my eyes widen slightly in jealousy. They looked so perfect together, Aya resting his hand on Youji's shoulder protectively and Youji looking up at him with a slight smirk on his lips. I wanted that with Ken. I wanted it so bad.
"You don't have to go to school today either, since we're taking the day off," Youji continued, tearing his eyes away from Aya to look at me. I blinked once in acknowledgement and turned to walk out the door. The sound of the playmate's voice stopped me and I felt my forehead crease slightly in confusion at the concern in his voice. Turning around seemed to be too much effort and I stood with my back facing them. "Ahh... Don't forget about the mission tonight." He said, sounding as if he wanted to say something else. I nodded once and walked out of the room, towards the basement.
The stairs back up to my room seemed too daunting and also that at least on the stairs down to the basement, I had gravity on my side and didn't have to work as hard. Not to mention and I wasn't sure if I would encounter Ken up there or not. I didn't think I could face him after last night. Knowing him he'd probably just make a quick joke about it and not bring it up again. He was too sweet about those things. It was one of the reasons I loved him, he knew what to say to make someone feel better.
Making my way slowly down the stairs, my hand gripped tightly to the railing, I remembered my last real encounter with stairs. That had been a bad experience, falling down the stairs, though it had ended up with me sleeping in Ken's arms so I couldn't complain that much.
As my foot left the last step, I found myself already heading towards the chair in the far corner, my favorite spot whenever I was down here. Reaching the worn piece of furniture I blinked as I realized a book was on the cushion. I picked it up and looked at it, noting with some surprise that it was a book of poetry. ::Who's is this?:: I thought and then remembered having seen Aya reading it a few weeks ago, though what it was doing on my chair was beyond me.
Settling myself down in the familiar cushions I opened it to a random page, intent on reading some to take my mind off of Ken and the upcoming mission, and blinked at the title of the poem. I took a small sip of my rapidly cooling coffee and stared at the words on the page.
A cry on deaf ears
It is to him that I write this lyric,
Though these pages he will never see
He will never know that because of love
The eyes of the world are my enemy
If the age old saying still holds truly
You always hurt the ones you love dear
Even though he holds the knife unknown
He kills me whenever he is near
It is impossible for me to speak of
Of everything he's done and said
It would take too long, I'm lost in his eyes
Forever alive, eternally dead
Just once I wish I could tell him,
Falling for love, I've already fell
I'm gazing at the highest of angels,
From the lowest bowels of hell
And though he will never know my love
For me to know him is to feel blessed
And so unworthy of him
Is this heart that beat within my chest.
~ Author unknown.
It was a love poem, written for a secret flame, and it clenched my heart with its tragedy. It reminded me too much of how I felt for Ken and I blinked rapidly as tears stung the corners of my eyes. ::Great way to take my mind off of Ken:: I thought bitterly, closing the book. Any hope of peace down here had been shattered and I set the book and my now cold coffee down on the floor next to the chair.
My eyes drooped closed of their own violation, despite my efforts to keep them open. I had to stay awake, had to try to find more on the mission. The darkness rushed up to claim me and I knew my battle was fruitless, that even if I had been able to stay awake, it would have been stupid to do so. I could only pray I didn't dream. ::Gotta have energy for the mission::
::The mission with Ken:: That evil voice was back and reminding me again of the reason I both loved and dreaded this upcoming mission. I was too tired to do anything more than acknowledge the truth in the statement before I was swallowed up by the darkness, the sweet voice of Ken calling my name echoing in my dreams.
TBC
Author's notes: Right, so um...sorry that this took so long to write! I was in a major slump for a while and then after I figured out what I wanted to do with this chapter, I had a few motivational issues, not to mention that things around my house have been strained... x.x my brother is a total jerk. *nod nod* Ah well... :D Its not so bad... sorry about the rushed ending...I have five minutes left on the computer and I so wanted this to be done. ^_^
Ahh...if you couldn't tell, the poem was written by me, thus proving that poetry is yet another thing I should add to my list of "I CANNOT DO SO DON'T EVEN TRY" ^^ not that it's a new development or anything... I've known that I can't do poetry since the 6th grade when they made us do this poetry assignment... I'm just too lazy to look up a good poem on the net and I wanted a poem in there somewhere *nod nod* It was written on a whim (can't you tell? ^___^) and really, as sad as this is, is one of my better poems...lol, ahh... poetry...
So yup, sorry that I took so long getting this out...and um... feedback is always appreciated!! Ja bai bai~!!
Next Chapter: The mission
And possibly and epilogue after that. *possibly*
Thankies to my reviewers:
H-grey: *mwaha* Yes! Aya and Youji are the best!! I'm tempted to write a AxY fic after I finish this one... ^_^ They're very cool! I feel the ideas starting already!
Tmelange: Hehe, again! Love the Aya and Youji!! They're my second favorite couple! (not that there's many to chose from) and gahh... the more I write these the more I want to write an AxY fic... yes... that is definitely next on my list...
Ayako: Awww...you're great!! Hehe, ehh... its not that great...I could have done wayyyyy soo much better, but thank you!! *glomps* you're the greatest!
Ms. C: Ariga~tou... It was hard to write Elisa... I kept wanting to make her be all nice and forgiving ...but, for the sake of Aya and Youji, I pressed on and made her flip... gotta love it ne?
Ka.Mu.I!!: hehe, of course I wrote the AxY thing....you asked (commanded) it of me! How can I refuse one such as you...? ^_^ Thanks for reviewing...and remember! I still love you!
Link621: Discomfort! Yes!! I shall remember that!! Next time I get the urge to use Uncomfortableness, I shall instead use discomfort! All because you informed me of such! *flying glomps* Thank you so so much for always reviewing...you're the best!
Yami no naka e: ^____^ that Aya and Youji thing took me a while to write...and I still think that I could have done SO MUCH better... well, I know I could have...but I try not to re read it much... it just...pains me sometimes to think of it....lol
Strawberry Goodness: *silently points to the above chapter* There's Ken and Omi!
Deathwing: hehe, I see that you're one of the new KenxOmi fans... (or not so new, but then again, its late and don't mind me) Thank you for reviewing!! And here is more KxO for you!
Lumos Nox: Yes! One day we shall band together and set those funny little hats on fire!! (I used to live in England) But for now! I must thank you for reviewing! You're the greatest! And aren't Ken and Omi so cute? Yes, WRITE MORE KENxOMI
Manie Coon: Wai~!! Hehe, thank you !! I'm working on my writings... I still have a loooong way to go... but at least I'm making the chapters longer ... that's a good thing right? Hey hey! Don't roll your eyes at me... *hrmph* hehe
Shime: *siiiigh* you only review because I was complaining... hehe, but thank you!! *glomps* come back! I wanna read more of your fic! *hard stare* WRITE MORE ! (and of course no lemons) x.x
Aphrael: Ahh...don't apologize! The more reviews the better!! I'm honored you read this fic *nod nod* You write such good ones yourself! So very cute !! ^____^ *encourages* Yes... review alll you want... ^^ my friend made a bet with me that I couldn't get 50 reviews for this story (Me: *stares* 50!?!?!) so um....lol... please don't make me have to walk around school with a cane pretending I'm blind... (the terms)
And of course, Lady Cosmos: One day... ONE DAY I shall get you to leave a review... but for the time being... *major glomps* Thank you for 'encouraging' me through the writing of this chapter.. it sure took a while...lol, hope you like!