As promised, Chapter Two complete with guest appearance.
Tolkien: I thank you and will play nice (kind of)
Chapter Two:
What Would Anyone Want with Legolas' Rooster? Alternate title: Elf on Elf?
The wind picked up in the cool of the early, early morning. No birds sang and the forest remained in deep in shadow. The Fellowship had not yet traveled even a league from the clearing when another wave of whispers over took them. At first only Legolas, with his superior elven hearing could perceive the growing threat. He turned first to his companions
"The Voices return! Steel yourself to the madness will be upon us soon!"
And then, in a single fluid movement, sought shelter once again among the lower boughs of a near by tree.
"To me Frodo, to me Pippin and Merry" Gandalf cried, seeking to separate the little folk for the men, for the sake of their safety.
Boromir's eyes widened
"Listen!"
Aragorn stopped, statue still, waiting. Suddenly, there were hundreds and thousands of voices howling around them. Sam, Pippin and Merry hid behind Gimli and the Voices grew.
"LegolastookHaldir'shandguidingittohisthrobbingelfhood"
"AragornstoodoverBoromir,eyesglinting,cockerectashepushedhisslaveforward"
"FrodomoanedagainstLegolas'kissseekingtorubhimselfagaintheelfswillingflesh"
And thousands more foul thoughts carried like a pestilence on the very air
"It's horrible," whimpered Pippin, opening his eyes. They were met by a scene the pain and confusion of which, he would carry to the end of his days.
Merry opened and closed his mouth once and then twice, then fainted. Gimli's eyes bulged, he gasped:
"Gandalf, what has happened to them?"
Gandalf had no answer.
Gimli blinked as if to clear his eyesight.
"What manner of garb does Aragorn wear?"
Aragorn, future King of Gondor, stood before the Fellowship wearing full dominatrix gear. He was dressed as a Mistress of Pain to the smallest detail. In his hand, in place of the great sword Narsil, was a seven-foot studded bullwhip. Aragorn, the future Leader of Middle Earth, was wearing six-inch patent leather stilettos and a corset.
It took the Ranger a moment to realize the changed that had over taken him, as he did, a look of pure, unadulterated horror spread over his features, he turned to run from his friends. Unfortunately Strider had no practice fleeing in six-inch heels and so fell flat on his face.
The Voices implored
"Boromirgaspedenjoyingthekissofthewhiponhisfleshwishingthat hisloverwouldgranthimrelease"
Aragorn groaned, "What is this torture? Boromir? How fare thee my brother?"
Until this point Gandalf and Gimli had been so transfixed by Aragorn's bizarre transformation they had not noticed the son of the Steward of Gondor.
"Aragorn, I feel I am pulled at by invisible strings.."
Boromir's eyes slipped out of focus "I tremble for your touch, Mistress"
He moaned breathily. As Boromir said this he wiggled closer to the prone Aragorn. The Fellowship was aghast. Boromir was clad only in leather g- string and his hands were manacled behind his back.
"Oh my Eru!" Gandalf turned his head "I feel I may be ill."
Aragorn was doing his best to get to his feet
"Boromir, do you not remember yourself? Remove your head from my leg, Boromir, NO!"
Boromir cast his eyes downward "I'm sorry, Mistress. I've been a very naughty boy and you should punish me. Very, very hard"
With these words he wiggled his leather strapped buttocks in the air.
Aragorn made one last desperate attempt to get to his feet. He scrambled up and took several steps forward before falling, once more, on his face.
"Mistress" crooned Boromir, still wiggling
Aragorn looked on the verge of screaming " Gandalf, Gimli. I beg you come to my aid. Please Boromir is under the thrall of the Authors! HELP ME!"
Gimli hung back but after a moment he and Gandalf pulled Aragorn to his feet and the three stumbled a little ways from Boromir, who was still wiggling and cooing at Aragorn from the dirt.
The Voices did not wane; they continued filling the ears of the Fellowship with suggestions regarding "positions"
Legolasbrushedhislipsagainstthefulllipsofthemaleelfbeforehim
During Aragorn's attempts to flee from Boromir, Pippin had been trying to revive his unconscious cousin.
"Merry, wake up. Wake UP!" Pippin shook Merry gently. Merry's eyes fluttered and Pippin shook him harder. Then he froze. From behind him came a muffled moan.
"I have seen you watching me, Haldir" Came the lusty, sing-song voice of Legolas, who had left his vantage point in the tree and was now running his fingers through the hair of a very distressed Haldir, the elf like Elrond before him, appeared out of nowhere.
Pippin's eyes widened as Legolas' long fingers disappeared under the edge of the other elf's tunic.
Haldir was struggling to free himself but Legolas had him pinned to a tree. Haldir looked around wildly.
"Prince! Recover your dignity! What sorcery is this?" Haldir's protests where cut short by Legolas' attempt to kiss him.
"Ai! Has Arda gone insane? Touch me not! I warn you, Prince of Mirkwood, leave THAT be" Haldir's eyes went wide.
Legolas' eyes refocused for a moment
"Haldir?" He seemed startled "Where came you from?"
Legolas looked down at his hand and then at Haldir again "Varda!" He let out a howl and threw himself backward. Haldir used this opportunity to draw his bow. The Prince of Mirkwood regained his feet quickly and just as quickly the haze over took his eyes.
"Ai, I see you would play Mighty Warrior and Elvish Princess.."
Legolas licked his lips flirtatiously.
Haldir's eyes grew wider and Pippin and the, by now recovered, Merry ran towards Legolas to prevent him for being shot. They were intercepted by a very flushed, shirtless Frodo, who called to the elf:
"My Prince, fear not! I am coming"
With these words Frodo dove at Legolas and they both sprawled backward. Frodo straddled "his prince's" chest and began to unlace the leather throng that held the elfs' tunic together.
"My, you are a beautiful creature" Frodo purred.
The shock of Frodo's tackle seemed to have cleared Legolas' head permanently for he was now struggling to flip the hobbit off his chest. Having successfully disentangled himself from Frodo, he leapt again into the safety of branches of the nearest tree.
Pippin and Merry each took two of Frodo's limbs holding him still on the ground. They could not, however, cover his mouth and so stop the lewd string of suggestions that poured forth.
"Hold me TIGHTER, cousins! Like that, oh yeah"
"Gandalf!" Pippin looked frantically around for the wizard. His eyes rested on Gandalf's attempts to keep Boromir at bay and also on Gimli who was acting as a crutch for the shoe crippled Aragorn.
Haldir's eyes were blazing
"What is happening? By what witchcraft have I been abducted from my realm, only to be most horrendously abused in this fashion? I would put arrows in you all, you manner of foulest beasts, you.."
The Fellowship never found out what manner of beasts they were, for Haldir vanished before their eyes.
The Voices had once again faded into nothing.
Boromir lay on the ground; dressed again in the manner of men. His eyes cleared and then bulged in realization. He reached for his sword.
"The shame! I will fall upon my sword before I live through such humiliation again"
He moved to impale himself, as he did so Gimli kicked the weapon from his hand and grabbed the man about the collar hauling him to his feet.
"Son of Gondor, you will do yourself no harm for deeds that were not of your own making."
Gandalf nodded "Boromir, be not ashamed. Aragorn does not begrudged you" The wizard turned to Aragorn, who was now also rightly clothed in the garments of men. He put up a hand.
"Boromir, let us never speak of this again."
"AARRRRRR!" The scream shocked them to their cores and they looked to see Frodo, who had just at that moment regained his senses. "Legolas, I am so sorry, I was not in my right mind.."
Merry and Pippin relaxed their grip and allowed the Ringbearer to get to his feet.
Aragorn looked around "Where is Legolas?"
"Where is my shirt?" Frodo whimpered
Gimli gestured up the tree " I know the answer to the first question. Aloft, again." Gimli called from the base of Legolas' oak "Master Elf take leave of your tree"
There was only silence as an answer. Then a shaking of leaves and a soft thump as Legolas jumped from above.
"THIS MUST STOP!" The elf's eyes flashed with a blinding light. " HALDIR!?! By the Valar, we cannot continue in this manner. My dignity was almost permanently compromised."
The elf was snow white in the face and the group could see his anger boiling just below the surface.
Gandalf placed a hand on his shoulder "You are right, Legolas! Calm yourself, take a moment to collect your thoughts."
Frodo, having recovered his tunic from a near by branch, cleared his throat softly and began
"Gandalf? This evil grows, the demands of the Voices become more insistent and bizarre. I have only a little strength to fend them off. This past episode I found my body was no longer my own and my mind was consumed with thoughts of Legolas and his cock.."
Frodo turned to the elf
" Friend, doth thou possess a cock?"
Legolas looked confused "No! No, have you seen a rooster? I have no hidden fowl in my pack."
Frodo's brow creased "I thought not. What then..?" The hobbit trailed off.
Legolas' eyes were slightly panicked " What would anyone want of me and a rooster?"
The Fellowship was silent for a moment. They were all puzzled by the cock reference.
Merry was the first to speak " What are we going to do? We have only moved a stone's throw for our camp last night. We will never reach Mordor."
Pippin, who had been deep in thought, spoke up
" Gandalf? Why do these Authors continue to do this? Why do they not grow tired of our torment? If they don't work for Sauron, why would they want Middle-earth to fall into shadow? What evil do the Authors serve?"
Gandalf looked troubled " Pippin, these are difficult questions and I fear I do not have the answers that you seek. I only know that the motivation of the Authors is amusement. They enjoy our pain, it seems, for they serve no dark gods and have only the power of the "fanfiction" at their call. No, Pippin, I am not sure why this happens but it may have something to do with some sorcery known as a "film". This "movie" has terrible power in the world of the Authors; they flock to a dark room to worship pictures that have life. They call the place they hold this twisted ritual a "Cineplex". There is no reason behind their madness. The evil simply is."
Gandalf sighed
A sorrow fell on the Fellowship, this was evil greater than even that which grew in the Shadow of Mount Doom.
Then Gimli let out a shout " Hey! We will not be broken under the weight of this burden. We must find a way to resist"
Legolas' eyes swirled blue then brown, "You are right, Master Dwarf, let us not be bowed by this threat. Come, we must press on."
Gandalf nodded "You are right but first I'm afraid we must take precautions.." The Company looked at one another in confusion. Frodo scratched his head
"What do you mean, Gandalf?"
"I mean this time we will follow the suggestion of Meriadoc. Come Gimli help me bind the men and.."
Sam who had remained quiet since the first stirrings of the disturbance, gulped.
"Me too, Gandalf? I was fine this time." Sam looked hopeful but the wizard shook his head
"I'm sorry Sam, you too"
So Aragorn, Boromir and Sam where bound at the wrist. They did not protest but insisted that all should be on alert. To be caught with one's hands tied behind one's back by a dozen or more orcs would end all their troubles with the Voices.
"Forward, To Mordor" And the Fellowship set out for the second time in fifteen minutes. Gandalf and Gimli at the head and the hobbits at the rear. They watched the woods carefully but listened hardest for the Voices that they knew would carry again on the wind all too soon.
Meanwhile in Mordor..
Sweet angry jesus, you think that being a Dark Lord is all flame eyes and bringing of Doom? Not if the Authors have anything to say about it. Next time on 'The Horror, the Pain and the Slash' (tHtPtS): Saruman is visiting his Master in Mordor and suddenly the air is filled with voices..hmmm. The next chapter "Oh, Saruman, my Eye is flaming with..LOVE?!?" OH MY GOD WHEN WILL IT END???????????????
Review or don't, I never force anyone against their will. (I'm teasing I LOVE reviews, REVIEW DAMN YOU!!!) *gigglez* thanks
Tolkien: I thank you and will play nice (kind of)
Chapter Two:
What Would Anyone Want with Legolas' Rooster? Alternate title: Elf on Elf?
The wind picked up in the cool of the early, early morning. No birds sang and the forest remained in deep in shadow. The Fellowship had not yet traveled even a league from the clearing when another wave of whispers over took them. At first only Legolas, with his superior elven hearing could perceive the growing threat. He turned first to his companions
"The Voices return! Steel yourself to the madness will be upon us soon!"
And then, in a single fluid movement, sought shelter once again among the lower boughs of a near by tree.
"To me Frodo, to me Pippin and Merry" Gandalf cried, seeking to separate the little folk for the men, for the sake of their safety.
Boromir's eyes widened
"Listen!"
Aragorn stopped, statue still, waiting. Suddenly, there were hundreds and thousands of voices howling around them. Sam, Pippin and Merry hid behind Gimli and the Voices grew.
"LegolastookHaldir'shandguidingittohisthrobbingelfhood"
"AragornstoodoverBoromir,eyesglinting,cockerectashepushedhisslaveforward"
"FrodomoanedagainstLegolas'kissseekingtorubhimselfagaintheelfswillingflesh"
And thousands more foul thoughts carried like a pestilence on the very air
"It's horrible," whimpered Pippin, opening his eyes. They were met by a scene the pain and confusion of which, he would carry to the end of his days.
Merry opened and closed his mouth once and then twice, then fainted. Gimli's eyes bulged, he gasped:
"Gandalf, what has happened to them?"
Gandalf had no answer.
Gimli blinked as if to clear his eyesight.
"What manner of garb does Aragorn wear?"
Aragorn, future King of Gondor, stood before the Fellowship wearing full dominatrix gear. He was dressed as a Mistress of Pain to the smallest detail. In his hand, in place of the great sword Narsil, was a seven-foot studded bullwhip. Aragorn, the future Leader of Middle Earth, was wearing six-inch patent leather stilettos and a corset.
It took the Ranger a moment to realize the changed that had over taken him, as he did, a look of pure, unadulterated horror spread over his features, he turned to run from his friends. Unfortunately Strider had no practice fleeing in six-inch heels and so fell flat on his face.
The Voices implored
"Boromirgaspedenjoyingthekissofthewhiponhisfleshwishingthat hisloverwouldgranthimrelease"
Aragorn groaned, "What is this torture? Boromir? How fare thee my brother?"
Until this point Gandalf and Gimli had been so transfixed by Aragorn's bizarre transformation they had not noticed the son of the Steward of Gondor.
"Aragorn, I feel I am pulled at by invisible strings.."
Boromir's eyes slipped out of focus "I tremble for your touch, Mistress"
He moaned breathily. As Boromir said this he wiggled closer to the prone Aragorn. The Fellowship was aghast. Boromir was clad only in leather g- string and his hands were manacled behind his back.
"Oh my Eru!" Gandalf turned his head "I feel I may be ill."
Aragorn was doing his best to get to his feet
"Boromir, do you not remember yourself? Remove your head from my leg, Boromir, NO!"
Boromir cast his eyes downward "I'm sorry, Mistress. I've been a very naughty boy and you should punish me. Very, very hard"
With these words he wiggled his leather strapped buttocks in the air.
Aragorn made one last desperate attempt to get to his feet. He scrambled up and took several steps forward before falling, once more, on his face.
"Mistress" crooned Boromir, still wiggling
Aragorn looked on the verge of screaming " Gandalf, Gimli. I beg you come to my aid. Please Boromir is under the thrall of the Authors! HELP ME!"
Gimli hung back but after a moment he and Gandalf pulled Aragorn to his feet and the three stumbled a little ways from Boromir, who was still wiggling and cooing at Aragorn from the dirt.
The Voices did not wane; they continued filling the ears of the Fellowship with suggestions regarding "positions"
Legolasbrushedhislipsagainstthefulllipsofthemaleelfbeforehim
During Aragorn's attempts to flee from Boromir, Pippin had been trying to revive his unconscious cousin.
"Merry, wake up. Wake UP!" Pippin shook Merry gently. Merry's eyes fluttered and Pippin shook him harder. Then he froze. From behind him came a muffled moan.
"I have seen you watching me, Haldir" Came the lusty, sing-song voice of Legolas, who had left his vantage point in the tree and was now running his fingers through the hair of a very distressed Haldir, the elf like Elrond before him, appeared out of nowhere.
Pippin's eyes widened as Legolas' long fingers disappeared under the edge of the other elf's tunic.
Haldir was struggling to free himself but Legolas had him pinned to a tree. Haldir looked around wildly.
"Prince! Recover your dignity! What sorcery is this?" Haldir's protests where cut short by Legolas' attempt to kiss him.
"Ai! Has Arda gone insane? Touch me not! I warn you, Prince of Mirkwood, leave THAT be" Haldir's eyes went wide.
Legolas' eyes refocused for a moment
"Haldir?" He seemed startled "Where came you from?"
Legolas looked down at his hand and then at Haldir again "Varda!" He let out a howl and threw himself backward. Haldir used this opportunity to draw his bow. The Prince of Mirkwood regained his feet quickly and just as quickly the haze over took his eyes.
"Ai, I see you would play Mighty Warrior and Elvish Princess.."
Legolas licked his lips flirtatiously.
Haldir's eyes grew wider and Pippin and the, by now recovered, Merry ran towards Legolas to prevent him for being shot. They were intercepted by a very flushed, shirtless Frodo, who called to the elf:
"My Prince, fear not! I am coming"
With these words Frodo dove at Legolas and they both sprawled backward. Frodo straddled "his prince's" chest and began to unlace the leather throng that held the elfs' tunic together.
"My, you are a beautiful creature" Frodo purred.
The shock of Frodo's tackle seemed to have cleared Legolas' head permanently for he was now struggling to flip the hobbit off his chest. Having successfully disentangled himself from Frodo, he leapt again into the safety of branches of the nearest tree.
Pippin and Merry each took two of Frodo's limbs holding him still on the ground. They could not, however, cover his mouth and so stop the lewd string of suggestions that poured forth.
"Hold me TIGHTER, cousins! Like that, oh yeah"
"Gandalf!" Pippin looked frantically around for the wizard. His eyes rested on Gandalf's attempts to keep Boromir at bay and also on Gimli who was acting as a crutch for the shoe crippled Aragorn.
Haldir's eyes were blazing
"What is happening? By what witchcraft have I been abducted from my realm, only to be most horrendously abused in this fashion? I would put arrows in you all, you manner of foulest beasts, you.."
The Fellowship never found out what manner of beasts they were, for Haldir vanished before their eyes.
The Voices had once again faded into nothing.
Boromir lay on the ground; dressed again in the manner of men. His eyes cleared and then bulged in realization. He reached for his sword.
"The shame! I will fall upon my sword before I live through such humiliation again"
He moved to impale himself, as he did so Gimli kicked the weapon from his hand and grabbed the man about the collar hauling him to his feet.
"Son of Gondor, you will do yourself no harm for deeds that were not of your own making."
Gandalf nodded "Boromir, be not ashamed. Aragorn does not begrudged you" The wizard turned to Aragorn, who was now also rightly clothed in the garments of men. He put up a hand.
"Boromir, let us never speak of this again."
"AARRRRRR!" The scream shocked them to their cores and they looked to see Frodo, who had just at that moment regained his senses. "Legolas, I am so sorry, I was not in my right mind.."
Merry and Pippin relaxed their grip and allowed the Ringbearer to get to his feet.
Aragorn looked around "Where is Legolas?"
"Where is my shirt?" Frodo whimpered
Gimli gestured up the tree " I know the answer to the first question. Aloft, again." Gimli called from the base of Legolas' oak "Master Elf take leave of your tree"
There was only silence as an answer. Then a shaking of leaves and a soft thump as Legolas jumped from above.
"THIS MUST STOP!" The elf's eyes flashed with a blinding light. " HALDIR!?! By the Valar, we cannot continue in this manner. My dignity was almost permanently compromised."
The elf was snow white in the face and the group could see his anger boiling just below the surface.
Gandalf placed a hand on his shoulder "You are right, Legolas! Calm yourself, take a moment to collect your thoughts."
Frodo, having recovered his tunic from a near by branch, cleared his throat softly and began
"Gandalf? This evil grows, the demands of the Voices become more insistent and bizarre. I have only a little strength to fend them off. This past episode I found my body was no longer my own and my mind was consumed with thoughts of Legolas and his cock.."
Frodo turned to the elf
" Friend, doth thou possess a cock?"
Legolas looked confused "No! No, have you seen a rooster? I have no hidden fowl in my pack."
Frodo's brow creased "I thought not. What then..?" The hobbit trailed off.
Legolas' eyes were slightly panicked " What would anyone want of me and a rooster?"
The Fellowship was silent for a moment. They were all puzzled by the cock reference.
Merry was the first to speak " What are we going to do? We have only moved a stone's throw for our camp last night. We will never reach Mordor."
Pippin, who had been deep in thought, spoke up
" Gandalf? Why do these Authors continue to do this? Why do they not grow tired of our torment? If they don't work for Sauron, why would they want Middle-earth to fall into shadow? What evil do the Authors serve?"
Gandalf looked troubled " Pippin, these are difficult questions and I fear I do not have the answers that you seek. I only know that the motivation of the Authors is amusement. They enjoy our pain, it seems, for they serve no dark gods and have only the power of the "fanfiction" at their call. No, Pippin, I am not sure why this happens but it may have something to do with some sorcery known as a "film". This "movie" has terrible power in the world of the Authors; they flock to a dark room to worship pictures that have life. They call the place they hold this twisted ritual a "Cineplex". There is no reason behind their madness. The evil simply is."
Gandalf sighed
A sorrow fell on the Fellowship, this was evil greater than even that which grew in the Shadow of Mount Doom.
Then Gimli let out a shout " Hey! We will not be broken under the weight of this burden. We must find a way to resist"
Legolas' eyes swirled blue then brown, "You are right, Master Dwarf, let us not be bowed by this threat. Come, we must press on."
Gandalf nodded "You are right but first I'm afraid we must take precautions.." The Company looked at one another in confusion. Frodo scratched his head
"What do you mean, Gandalf?"
"I mean this time we will follow the suggestion of Meriadoc. Come Gimli help me bind the men and.."
Sam who had remained quiet since the first stirrings of the disturbance, gulped.
"Me too, Gandalf? I was fine this time." Sam looked hopeful but the wizard shook his head
"I'm sorry Sam, you too"
So Aragorn, Boromir and Sam where bound at the wrist. They did not protest but insisted that all should be on alert. To be caught with one's hands tied behind one's back by a dozen or more orcs would end all their troubles with the Voices.
"Forward, To Mordor" And the Fellowship set out for the second time in fifteen minutes. Gandalf and Gimli at the head and the hobbits at the rear. They watched the woods carefully but listened hardest for the Voices that they knew would carry again on the wind all too soon.
Meanwhile in Mordor..
Sweet angry jesus, you think that being a Dark Lord is all flame eyes and bringing of Doom? Not if the Authors have anything to say about it. Next time on 'The Horror, the Pain and the Slash' (tHtPtS): Saruman is visiting his Master in Mordor and suddenly the air is filled with voices..hmmm. The next chapter "Oh, Saruman, my Eye is flaming with..LOVE?!?" OH MY GOD WHEN WILL IT END???????????????
Review or don't, I never force anyone against their will. (I'm teasing I LOVE reviews, REVIEW DAMN YOU!!!) *gigglez* thanks