People seem to be enjoying this. So I'll keep going until you get sick of
me. But be warned this isn't going to be pretty.
Tolkien: forever grateful and I'll try not to hurt anyone ( I make no promises though)
Chapter 3: "Oh, Saruman my eye is flaming with... LOVE!" Alternate title: "Redecorating Rivendell?"
Meanwhile in Mordor..
High on Mount Doom, amidst the foul vapors of a dying land, the eye of Sauron strained, searching. All his will bent on taking back that which had, so long ago, been ripped from him. His spirit was tortured by their separation and the whole of Middle-Earth would suffer ten fold for his long years of torment. The eye strained and quietly, lost in the vapors, whispers arose and began to strengthen. Sauron felt something deep in his mind begin to stir.
Saruman... He was such a nice, evil partner and kind of cute...
Saruman kicked the orc that lounged before the door to his Lord's inner chamber. He snarled as the creature growled.
In the deep, the Voices rose to a gentle cajoling.
"Get up cur, the King of Darkness has summoned his most faithful servant. I would see him now." The sentence was punctuated by several more sharp kicks. The orc moved to the door, slowly the iron-shod entrance crept open. Saruman slipped through into the sinister darkness beyond. He stood in the dank room and the silence around him was absolute. The White Wizard knelt and placed his forehead on the cold stones.
"You have called and I have come, Master. I await your command, all that I am is yours"
Saruman waited, not breathing. The moment drew out, seconds became minutes and then in a hot, blinding flash: The Eye Sauron hovered above him and a thousand unearthly voices filled his ears.
SauronlovedSarumanhesimplycouldn'tdecidehowtotellhim.
"Arise Saruman, I would look upon your charming countenance."
Saruman stood before the Eye, gazing into fire. His brow knitted; surely his eyes must deceive him... It could not be that the Master of Evil... Saruman looked hard at the flaming eye, there could be no mistake. Sauron, the Embodiment of Evil, appeared to be wearing false eyelashes. Saruman began to grow afraid.
"My Lord, I... am yours to command."
Sauron voice trembled.
"Oh Saruman, do you really mean that? Because I've been hurt before and I mean I know I'm just an eye and everything. But true love conquers all, we could make it work."
"Yes, of course torture and destroy the Ringbearer. Wait, Pardon me?"
"I've always had these feelings."
Saruman began to wonder if the pain of being separated from the ring had driven his Lord insane. Or perhaps he, himself had lost his mind. The eye was in love? That was ridiculous, with whom? That was also ridiculous. True love wasn't evil. They were evil, it was what they did, evil stuff, like betraying and plundering. Lost in thought Saurman puzzled over this turn of events. Then one thing became glaringly clear. It dawned on Saruman exactly WHO it was that the Eye loved.
"My Lord what madness is this? The ring grows ever closer. Are you feeling ok?"
"I've never felt better and the only ring I want is a wedding ring, with hearts on it or possibly teddy bears. Power and world domination are so empty. It's YOU I really want Saruman, more than anything. I've realized that all this "King of Doom, Lord of Pain" stuff is just over compensation for my lack of self-esteem. I don't believe I'm good enough to deserve love. I want you to help me help myself. My eye is flaming with LOVE, you sexy Wizard, you! Kiss me, Saruman!!"
Saruman froze. His Lord was obviously insane "Help me, help myself?!?" But to defy was death. There was some deep magic at work here. There was only one thing that he could do. Stall
"But my Lord you are made of flame and have no lips, where shall I...Um... kiss you?"
Saruman smiled to himself sure that this question would be his salvation. Sauron purred at his beloved.
"Have no fear, my love! You will kiss the mouth of Sauron for now!"
Out of the shadows stepped a cringing, armored man. He approached Sauron's "Love".
It was then that Saruman began to scream...
______________________________________
The morning turned warm, the sun streamed through the leaves and birds had begun to twitter. Legolas was listening hard. Nothing, the air was quiet save the birds' songs. Then the woods around them stirred. A sickening smell met Legolas' sensitive nose. The elf turned on his heel.
"Gimli" he cried. "Release the men, there are Orcs in these woods or I'm a fool."
The dwarf, who heard and smelt nothing, knew better than to question. With a swift slice of his dagger freed both Aragorn and Boromir.
"Friends, Legolas senses trouble! (A/N: Legolas got Spidey sense;) Draw your swords and find stout hearts, battle approaches us from the east. Pippin! Cut Sam's bonds and then you four be on most careful guard."
Gimli hefted his axe and crouched low to the ground, finding his place beside the two humans and behind the archer of their Company. Gandalf drew Glamdring and turned his back toward the backs of his companions. The Fellowship stood in a circle so there was no blind spot for the enemy to exploit.
Frodo's eyes darted through the under brush. There was a flash of black metal and then the sound of wood splintering. Terrifying howls and chilling speech, the enemy was upon them!
The battle that followed was gruesome. Aragorn moved with the speed and strength of ten men, Orcs falling before him like leaves in the autumn. Boromir and Gimli fought back to back until there was a pile of the foul soldiers surrounding them. Legolas emptied his quiver, each arrow finding it target until he too was surrounded by the dead. The clash of metal and the screams of the dying and wounded drowned out the sound of Voices.
Hissing and whispering Voices which began to grow.
Legolascouldn'tbelievewhathadhappenedhesatdownandbegantocry
FrodoandSamwerereadytotakethenextstep.Theywerereadytocommitfortherestoftheir lives.
The hobbits were fighting in a tight knot. Gandalf stood to their right and he slew many of the Orcs' numbers. The Fellowship was victorious.
A cry in the Black Speech went up suddenly and as quickly as it had begun the battle was over. The living goblins fled into the woods, running for their pathetic lives, they knew the battle was lost.
Aragorn was the first to leap after the deserters, bent on pursuing them and destroying the last of the rank. Boromir followed him closely. Legolas, who had drawn his two long knives, over took them. They caught up quickly with the fleeing Orcs and the battle was renewed, Gimli tore up from behind, crashing through the brush and with a mighty cry chopped the head from the shoulders of the closest orc. As the head went flying, another orc had at him from the side, before he had the opportunity to turn, it laid a long wound upon his arm. The orc paid for the insult with its life and Gimli, enraged turned to his fellows to aid them.
This time the battle was truly over, Aragorn pulled his sword from the chest of the last of the goblin company. There was silence for a long moment and then out of silence there came a great rush of sound. The battle was over but the war with evil raged on.
GandalfcoundfinallyadmitthathetruelylovedCeleborn
"Legolassmiledandbentdowntopickaprettydaisy."
"The Voices are upon us!" Aragorn looked around wildly at the other three "I apologize in advance!"
The Voices grew louder and there were too many to be discerned. Aragorn shut his eyes and waited. After several minutes, he cautiously opened one eye and then the other. Strange, no embarrassing erection, he didn't have the urge to remove any clothing; he was still wearing pants and only carrying a sword... He looked at Boromir who was still standing with eyes shut.
"Boromir? Are you yourself?" Aragorn held his breath and waited.
"I seem to be secure in my senses, Gimli how fare you, good dwarf?"
"I stand among the bodies of my foe, and save a tiny scratch, am whole. I feel ONLY the joy of victory. The Voices have not touched me!" The dwarf smiled; perhaps the thrall of the Voices was wearing thin. They all seemed to be fine in spite of continued howling in their ears.
The dwarf's smiled faded as a wet sniffing sound emerged from behind him. The sound grew louder and wetter.
"Where is Legolas?" Gimli enquired cautiously. The three automatically looked up, expecting to see their friend perched in one of the trees. The boughs were empty.
"I'm over HERE" Legolas sobbed. Boromir, Gimli and Aragorn turned to meet a very unusual sight.
The Prince of Mirkwood was sitting on the ground about three ells away, cradling his quiver, crying like a child and wiping his nose on his sleeve. His tears left salty tracks down his porcelain cheeks and there was a growing wet patch on the front of his tunic.
"Master Elf, are you taken of a hurt?" Aragorn was worried he'd lived in Rivendell for close to thirty-five years and he'd NEVER seen a male elf cry. Perhaps Legolas was hurt to death.
"I'm not PHYSICALLY wounded if that what you mean. But those Orcs!!!" Legolas broke into fresh, bone wracking sobs.
Gimli jumped to his friends side "What Legolas? What have the Orcs done to you?"
The elf looked up at Gimli with sodden eyes and snuffed
"They put a HUGE scratch on my quiver!" His friends' eyes nearly popped. Aragorn was first to speak.
"Legolas you do us a disservice! Shame, sir we thought you dying!"
"You weep over your quiver? Master Elf, this foolishness becomes you not!" Gimli shook his head; he'd never seen the equal, a scratched QUIVER?
Legolas scrambled to his feet " I KNEW you wouldn't understand, not one of you is sensitive to my needs as an archer. I LIKE this quiver. It brand NEW. You're all pigs! You don't care about my feelings!"
Gimli backed away from Legolas slowly " I don't think Legolas is feeling well. The Voices have changed his nature. He behaves like a spoiled child and an insane woman combined."
It was true, Legolas had been transformed from the wise, reserved and valiant warrior that he, in reality, was into a...flaky wuss. His friends looked on, worried, as he used the corner of his cloak to polish out the scratch on his quiver. His head snapped up at Gimli's comment.
"THAT is SO like you, isn't it? You're just like Elrond! NO ONE cares about my feelings. This is just like that time about seven hundred years ago. When Elrond was going to redecorate Rivendell and I had some very valid suggestions about sponge painting and he was all, like, Blah, Blah, Blah nine thousand years old, Lord of an Elf realm, Mr. 'I can pick my own accent color'. He was utterly insensitive to my interior design suggestions and was totally dismissive of that decorating course I took at Lothlorien's Community College. You are all the same. You don't care that I'm hurting, you talk like I'm not even here." Legolas' rant was cut short went he was over whelmed by a fresh batch of tears.
As the Elf was once again consumed with his "pain" his companions began to edge away in the opposite direction.
"I think Legolas has gone insane" Boromir shook his head " He sounds like a woman I use to take dancing back in Minas Tirith and I can guarantee she was insane." He shuttered. Aragorn was sweating.
"What are we going to do with him? We have to go back and find Mithrandir and the hobbits. They may need our help. He's useless in this condition."
Gimli was watching Legolas carefully. The elf had stopped crying and had sat back down. He was now braiding bits of stick into his hair and singing softly to himself.
"It's getting worse." Gimli groaned as he watched his friend use the blunt edge of a knife to push back his cuticles.
Aragorn fell silent for a moment. His mouth set itself into a line.
"We must move. Legolas' affliction cannot keep us from our other companions. Gimli, get him up."
Gimli scowled and stalked over to his crazed friend.
"Have you seen any flowers around here?" Legolas looked hopeful "I want to put them in my hair, I think they'd be pretty. Much nice than sticks, don't you think? Do you like my hair this color? I'm thinking of putting a henna rinse in it. You know for a change, what do you think Gimli?" Legolas batted his eyelashes and twirl a piece of hair around the tip of his finger.
The dwarf was wary; he'd heard this kind of riddle before. From a human female, if he wasn't mistaken. This might be a trap. The elf might start CRYING again.
"Suuuuure, that would be nice, very nice" Gimli cleared his throat "Get you up Master Elf, we must away." Legolas smiled and cooed
"Where? Are we going on a picnic? Or to the mall, I love the tunics this year. Green is SO my color" Then he frowned, Gimli winced and waited for tears. Legolas looked like he was thinking hard. "Wait ! I don't wanna run around, I'll get all sweaty and my hair'll get mussed. I'm going to have a bubble bath instead of going shopping. Okey dokey? I LOVE bubbles! We can give each other facials!"
Gimli frowned as well, Did elves even sweat? " A what? To where?"
He reached down to pull Legolas to his feet, as he did so there was a high- pitched scream. Aragorn and Boromir nearly jumped out of their skins.
"What!?!" They cried rushing to Gimli's aid.
Legolas turned white and screamed again, pointing at Gimli's injured arm " BLOOD" and then the Prince among Elves fainted dead away. Gimli was exasperated. He was getting frustrated with this foolishness. He took Legolas around the waist and threw the elf over his left shoulder.
"Let's move out!" he grunted, shifting his friend's weight to get a better grip. Aragorn looked uncertain.
"Should we not try and wake him?" Gimli sighed "Why? So he can begin to cry again? So he can call us insensitive pigs? So he can find flowers for his hair? So we can go 'shopping'?"
Aragorn nodded, Gimli had a point. "While this lasts, it is true Legolas is much more pleasant unconscious. Very good Master Dwarf, we must find the others." He picked up Legolas' pack, it was strangely light, he slung it over his shoulder. Strider called to Boromir. "Take the front, Friend and be watchful, we will need all the warning we can get if there are more Orcs about."
The three set out in the direction from which they'd come. Legolas' hair dragged in the leaf litter, his head bouncing against Gimli's knee. The Voices continued to rustle in the trees. Quiet but constant. Boromir wondered what horror might await them when they found the rest of their company. What evil had the Authors inflicted on the remaining five? Boromir shivered, thinking of his own experiences and walked on.
What is waiting??? Nothing that makes sense, that's for damn sure! The madness will only be greater and more cringe worthy. Run, mortals. Run now before it's too late, AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Next time on tHtPtS: Two weddings, a flower arrangement and an unwilling Bridesmaid. It all coming up as well as another Elven cameo in: "But Seriously, Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat?" Alternate title " I Can't Believe You Think Sam is Cuter Than ME!". Check it out.
A/N: I would like to thank Chris who inspired me to make Legolas cry and S.C: your review makes me blush *squeals and explodes*. It's high praise from one so funny. Spastic Pen MUST POST MORE SOON. Thanks to everyone else who reviewed; what would I do without the ego trip?;)
REVIEW OR DIE!! *gigglez*
Tolkien: forever grateful and I'll try not to hurt anyone ( I make no promises though)
Chapter 3: "Oh, Saruman my eye is flaming with... LOVE!" Alternate title: "Redecorating Rivendell?"
Meanwhile in Mordor..
High on Mount Doom, amidst the foul vapors of a dying land, the eye of Sauron strained, searching. All his will bent on taking back that which had, so long ago, been ripped from him. His spirit was tortured by their separation and the whole of Middle-Earth would suffer ten fold for his long years of torment. The eye strained and quietly, lost in the vapors, whispers arose and began to strengthen. Sauron felt something deep in his mind begin to stir.
Saruman... He was such a nice, evil partner and kind of cute...
Saruman kicked the orc that lounged before the door to his Lord's inner chamber. He snarled as the creature growled.
In the deep, the Voices rose to a gentle cajoling.
"Get up cur, the King of Darkness has summoned his most faithful servant. I would see him now." The sentence was punctuated by several more sharp kicks. The orc moved to the door, slowly the iron-shod entrance crept open. Saruman slipped through into the sinister darkness beyond. He stood in the dank room and the silence around him was absolute. The White Wizard knelt and placed his forehead on the cold stones.
"You have called and I have come, Master. I await your command, all that I am is yours"
Saruman waited, not breathing. The moment drew out, seconds became minutes and then in a hot, blinding flash: The Eye Sauron hovered above him and a thousand unearthly voices filled his ears.
SauronlovedSarumanhesimplycouldn'tdecidehowtotellhim.
"Arise Saruman, I would look upon your charming countenance."
Saruman stood before the Eye, gazing into fire. His brow knitted; surely his eyes must deceive him... It could not be that the Master of Evil... Saruman looked hard at the flaming eye, there could be no mistake. Sauron, the Embodiment of Evil, appeared to be wearing false eyelashes. Saruman began to grow afraid.
"My Lord, I... am yours to command."
Sauron voice trembled.
"Oh Saruman, do you really mean that? Because I've been hurt before and I mean I know I'm just an eye and everything. But true love conquers all, we could make it work."
"Yes, of course torture and destroy the Ringbearer. Wait, Pardon me?"
"I've always had these feelings."
Saruman began to wonder if the pain of being separated from the ring had driven his Lord insane. Or perhaps he, himself had lost his mind. The eye was in love? That was ridiculous, with whom? That was also ridiculous. True love wasn't evil. They were evil, it was what they did, evil stuff, like betraying and plundering. Lost in thought Saurman puzzled over this turn of events. Then one thing became glaringly clear. It dawned on Saruman exactly WHO it was that the Eye loved.
"My Lord what madness is this? The ring grows ever closer. Are you feeling ok?"
"I've never felt better and the only ring I want is a wedding ring, with hearts on it or possibly teddy bears. Power and world domination are so empty. It's YOU I really want Saruman, more than anything. I've realized that all this "King of Doom, Lord of Pain" stuff is just over compensation for my lack of self-esteem. I don't believe I'm good enough to deserve love. I want you to help me help myself. My eye is flaming with LOVE, you sexy Wizard, you! Kiss me, Saruman!!"
Saruman froze. His Lord was obviously insane "Help me, help myself?!?" But to defy was death. There was some deep magic at work here. There was only one thing that he could do. Stall
"But my Lord you are made of flame and have no lips, where shall I...Um... kiss you?"
Saruman smiled to himself sure that this question would be his salvation. Sauron purred at his beloved.
"Have no fear, my love! You will kiss the mouth of Sauron for now!"
Out of the shadows stepped a cringing, armored man. He approached Sauron's "Love".
It was then that Saruman began to scream...
______________________________________
The morning turned warm, the sun streamed through the leaves and birds had begun to twitter. Legolas was listening hard. Nothing, the air was quiet save the birds' songs. Then the woods around them stirred. A sickening smell met Legolas' sensitive nose. The elf turned on his heel.
"Gimli" he cried. "Release the men, there are Orcs in these woods or I'm a fool."
The dwarf, who heard and smelt nothing, knew better than to question. With a swift slice of his dagger freed both Aragorn and Boromir.
"Friends, Legolas senses trouble! (A/N: Legolas got Spidey sense;) Draw your swords and find stout hearts, battle approaches us from the east. Pippin! Cut Sam's bonds and then you four be on most careful guard."
Gimli hefted his axe and crouched low to the ground, finding his place beside the two humans and behind the archer of their Company. Gandalf drew Glamdring and turned his back toward the backs of his companions. The Fellowship stood in a circle so there was no blind spot for the enemy to exploit.
Frodo's eyes darted through the under brush. There was a flash of black metal and then the sound of wood splintering. Terrifying howls and chilling speech, the enemy was upon them!
The battle that followed was gruesome. Aragorn moved with the speed and strength of ten men, Orcs falling before him like leaves in the autumn. Boromir and Gimli fought back to back until there was a pile of the foul soldiers surrounding them. Legolas emptied his quiver, each arrow finding it target until he too was surrounded by the dead. The clash of metal and the screams of the dying and wounded drowned out the sound of Voices.
Hissing and whispering Voices which began to grow.
Legolascouldn'tbelievewhathadhappenedhesatdownandbegantocry
FrodoandSamwerereadytotakethenextstep.Theywerereadytocommitfortherestoftheir lives.
The hobbits were fighting in a tight knot. Gandalf stood to their right and he slew many of the Orcs' numbers. The Fellowship was victorious.
A cry in the Black Speech went up suddenly and as quickly as it had begun the battle was over. The living goblins fled into the woods, running for their pathetic lives, they knew the battle was lost.
Aragorn was the first to leap after the deserters, bent on pursuing them and destroying the last of the rank. Boromir followed him closely. Legolas, who had drawn his two long knives, over took them. They caught up quickly with the fleeing Orcs and the battle was renewed, Gimli tore up from behind, crashing through the brush and with a mighty cry chopped the head from the shoulders of the closest orc. As the head went flying, another orc had at him from the side, before he had the opportunity to turn, it laid a long wound upon his arm. The orc paid for the insult with its life and Gimli, enraged turned to his fellows to aid them.
This time the battle was truly over, Aragorn pulled his sword from the chest of the last of the goblin company. There was silence for a long moment and then out of silence there came a great rush of sound. The battle was over but the war with evil raged on.
GandalfcoundfinallyadmitthathetruelylovedCeleborn
"Legolassmiledandbentdowntopickaprettydaisy."
"The Voices are upon us!" Aragorn looked around wildly at the other three "I apologize in advance!"
The Voices grew louder and there were too many to be discerned. Aragorn shut his eyes and waited. After several minutes, he cautiously opened one eye and then the other. Strange, no embarrassing erection, he didn't have the urge to remove any clothing; he was still wearing pants and only carrying a sword... He looked at Boromir who was still standing with eyes shut.
"Boromir? Are you yourself?" Aragorn held his breath and waited.
"I seem to be secure in my senses, Gimli how fare you, good dwarf?"
"I stand among the bodies of my foe, and save a tiny scratch, am whole. I feel ONLY the joy of victory. The Voices have not touched me!" The dwarf smiled; perhaps the thrall of the Voices was wearing thin. They all seemed to be fine in spite of continued howling in their ears.
The dwarf's smiled faded as a wet sniffing sound emerged from behind him. The sound grew louder and wetter.
"Where is Legolas?" Gimli enquired cautiously. The three automatically looked up, expecting to see their friend perched in one of the trees. The boughs were empty.
"I'm over HERE" Legolas sobbed. Boromir, Gimli and Aragorn turned to meet a very unusual sight.
The Prince of Mirkwood was sitting on the ground about three ells away, cradling his quiver, crying like a child and wiping his nose on his sleeve. His tears left salty tracks down his porcelain cheeks and there was a growing wet patch on the front of his tunic.
"Master Elf, are you taken of a hurt?" Aragorn was worried he'd lived in Rivendell for close to thirty-five years and he'd NEVER seen a male elf cry. Perhaps Legolas was hurt to death.
"I'm not PHYSICALLY wounded if that what you mean. But those Orcs!!!" Legolas broke into fresh, bone wracking sobs.
Gimli jumped to his friends side "What Legolas? What have the Orcs done to you?"
The elf looked up at Gimli with sodden eyes and snuffed
"They put a HUGE scratch on my quiver!" His friends' eyes nearly popped. Aragorn was first to speak.
"Legolas you do us a disservice! Shame, sir we thought you dying!"
"You weep over your quiver? Master Elf, this foolishness becomes you not!" Gimli shook his head; he'd never seen the equal, a scratched QUIVER?
Legolas scrambled to his feet " I KNEW you wouldn't understand, not one of you is sensitive to my needs as an archer. I LIKE this quiver. It brand NEW. You're all pigs! You don't care about my feelings!"
Gimli backed away from Legolas slowly " I don't think Legolas is feeling well. The Voices have changed his nature. He behaves like a spoiled child and an insane woman combined."
It was true, Legolas had been transformed from the wise, reserved and valiant warrior that he, in reality, was into a...flaky wuss. His friends looked on, worried, as he used the corner of his cloak to polish out the scratch on his quiver. His head snapped up at Gimli's comment.
"THAT is SO like you, isn't it? You're just like Elrond! NO ONE cares about my feelings. This is just like that time about seven hundred years ago. When Elrond was going to redecorate Rivendell and I had some very valid suggestions about sponge painting and he was all, like, Blah, Blah, Blah nine thousand years old, Lord of an Elf realm, Mr. 'I can pick my own accent color'. He was utterly insensitive to my interior design suggestions and was totally dismissive of that decorating course I took at Lothlorien's Community College. You are all the same. You don't care that I'm hurting, you talk like I'm not even here." Legolas' rant was cut short went he was over whelmed by a fresh batch of tears.
As the Elf was once again consumed with his "pain" his companions began to edge away in the opposite direction.
"I think Legolas has gone insane" Boromir shook his head " He sounds like a woman I use to take dancing back in Minas Tirith and I can guarantee she was insane." He shuttered. Aragorn was sweating.
"What are we going to do with him? We have to go back and find Mithrandir and the hobbits. They may need our help. He's useless in this condition."
Gimli was watching Legolas carefully. The elf had stopped crying and had sat back down. He was now braiding bits of stick into his hair and singing softly to himself.
"It's getting worse." Gimli groaned as he watched his friend use the blunt edge of a knife to push back his cuticles.
Aragorn fell silent for a moment. His mouth set itself into a line.
"We must move. Legolas' affliction cannot keep us from our other companions. Gimli, get him up."
Gimli scowled and stalked over to his crazed friend.
"Have you seen any flowers around here?" Legolas looked hopeful "I want to put them in my hair, I think they'd be pretty. Much nice than sticks, don't you think? Do you like my hair this color? I'm thinking of putting a henna rinse in it. You know for a change, what do you think Gimli?" Legolas batted his eyelashes and twirl a piece of hair around the tip of his finger.
The dwarf was wary; he'd heard this kind of riddle before. From a human female, if he wasn't mistaken. This might be a trap. The elf might start CRYING again.
"Suuuuure, that would be nice, very nice" Gimli cleared his throat "Get you up Master Elf, we must away." Legolas smiled and cooed
"Where? Are we going on a picnic? Or to the mall, I love the tunics this year. Green is SO my color" Then he frowned, Gimli winced and waited for tears. Legolas looked like he was thinking hard. "Wait ! I don't wanna run around, I'll get all sweaty and my hair'll get mussed. I'm going to have a bubble bath instead of going shopping. Okey dokey? I LOVE bubbles! We can give each other facials!"
Gimli frowned as well, Did elves even sweat? " A what? To where?"
He reached down to pull Legolas to his feet, as he did so there was a high- pitched scream. Aragorn and Boromir nearly jumped out of their skins.
"What!?!" They cried rushing to Gimli's aid.
Legolas turned white and screamed again, pointing at Gimli's injured arm " BLOOD" and then the Prince among Elves fainted dead away. Gimli was exasperated. He was getting frustrated with this foolishness. He took Legolas around the waist and threw the elf over his left shoulder.
"Let's move out!" he grunted, shifting his friend's weight to get a better grip. Aragorn looked uncertain.
"Should we not try and wake him?" Gimli sighed "Why? So he can begin to cry again? So he can call us insensitive pigs? So he can find flowers for his hair? So we can go 'shopping'?"
Aragorn nodded, Gimli had a point. "While this lasts, it is true Legolas is much more pleasant unconscious. Very good Master Dwarf, we must find the others." He picked up Legolas' pack, it was strangely light, he slung it over his shoulder. Strider called to Boromir. "Take the front, Friend and be watchful, we will need all the warning we can get if there are more Orcs about."
The three set out in the direction from which they'd come. Legolas' hair dragged in the leaf litter, his head bouncing against Gimli's knee. The Voices continued to rustle in the trees. Quiet but constant. Boromir wondered what horror might await them when they found the rest of their company. What evil had the Authors inflicted on the remaining five? Boromir shivered, thinking of his own experiences and walked on.
What is waiting??? Nothing that makes sense, that's for damn sure! The madness will only be greater and more cringe worthy. Run, mortals. Run now before it's too late, AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Next time on tHtPtS: Two weddings, a flower arrangement and an unwilling Bridesmaid. It all coming up as well as another Elven cameo in: "But Seriously, Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat?" Alternate title " I Can't Believe You Think Sam is Cuter Than ME!". Check it out.
A/N: I would like to thank Chris who inspired me to make Legolas cry and S.C: your review makes me blush *squeals and explodes*. It's high praise from one so funny. Spastic Pen MUST POST MORE SOON. Thanks to everyone else who reviewed; what would I do without the ego trip?;)
REVIEW OR DIE!! *gigglez*