Title: "There's no demon like a show demon."
Category: A merry romp
Rated: R
Characters: The whole gang basically plus one special guest!
Continuity: Continuity, one event follows another and all must stay consistent, sometimes you just have to say, who gives a smeg!
Summary: A not-so-big bad comes to Sunnydale. He kills, maims and is a general pain in the ass.
Disclaimer: all hail Joss
A man runs. He's not running to some place, he's running away from something. He's stumbling, falling, looking over his shoulder every other second. There's no one about, no one to turn to for salvation, no one to rescue him from certain death at the hands of ...
"Spike!"
The blonde vampire landed on the ground barely 2 steps away from the morbidly afraid man.
"Please don't run anymore, your death only get longer and ickier that way," Spike said to his victim in a cheerful voice, quietly wondering where he picked up the word 'icky'.
The man fell to his knees "Please, don't kill me, please!"
"Why? Don't tell me you have a bunch of brats," Spike drew closer, raising his weapon.
"Please, NO! I've got information."
Spike plunged his weapon down. A powerful hand caught his.
"Don't kill him, Spike." Buffy gasped, still panting from her run.
"Oh, Come ON! Why can't I kill him?"
"He's got information."
"They all say that, and this one's whining, I hate when they whine."
Their victim was quietly trying to sneak away. Without looking, Buffy just tripped him and proceeded to stand on him. "And now you're whining."
"Am not!"
"Spike, go lurk over there or something"
Spike slammed his hands in his pockets and trudged away, muttering "I never lurk, I'm not a lurker."
Buffy pulled the now slightly dirty vampire to his feet "OK, talk."
"Promise not to kill me?"
Buffy just glared at him.
"I'll take it with me to my grave!"
"You've already been in a grave."
"I'm still not telling until you promise."
"OK, OK, I promise"
The vampire was not yet satisfied.
"... not to stake you."
The vamp relaxed a bit "Word has it, that there's a new evil in town. And he's not here for the sights."
"Vampire?"
"No, demon."
"That's all you know? Say hi to mister pointy."
"No, No! Wait! There's more." Using one hand to put up a feeble defence against Mr.Pointy, the vamp reached inside his way outdated jeans jacket and pulled out a picture.
Buffy dropped the vamp "He's handing out autographed pictures?"
The vampire took off like a life-long bachelor whose girlfriend just caught the bouquet. But when he passed the nearest tree, an arm swung out from behind it and hit him right in the chest.
Buffy looked up just in time to see the last of him crumble to the ground "SPIKE! I promised him!"
"I didn't, besides, can't let them get away, he might attack a little old lady or a retired fireman or a ... a ... a hamster."
"If we keep doing this, they'll never tell us anything anymore."
But Spike wasn't listening, he was off somewhere in Spikeland "I know why you're peeved. That makes three for me to just two for you. Which means I take the night AND the week."
"What? He doesn't count, we both caught him."
"Tell you what, well put it before the umpire."
"Yeah right, you'd like that, Dawn always takes your side. You're impossible!"
Spike swung right in front of her, grabbing her by the hips "That's why you love me."
He kissed her. She put up a token resistance for about half a second but her tongue was seeking his soon enough.
Between the kisses she managed to produce "Don't love you". He muttered "yeah, yeah". As his hands started moving up her shirt, she said "You're lucky slaying makes me horny."
His cold hands moved up her back. She could tell exactly where they were. It sent shivers up her spine. Her bra was now undone and one hand moved ever so slowly to the front. Spike started nibbling at her neck. 'Oooh yes, I could use some of that' she thought. His hand had broken contact, where was it? Then suddenly, it cupped her breast. Buffy screamed, then she pulled away.
"I knew you were horney, but coming from some minor fondling?!" Spike said, a bit miffed at her breaking contact, yet impressed by his own lovemaking skills.
"I didn't come you pervert," she said as she redid her bra "I remembered the picture."
"WHAT? You're memory has really bloody awful timing, you know."
"Come along maniac, we need to show this to Giles."
---
Buffy was pleased to see Giles was still up, although part of her, a very specific part of her wasn't too happy. The former watcher had found a new calling in life as Williams default babysitter. The girls, who had been out on the town were just now collecting William.
Willow and Tara grabbed onto Spike the minute he walked in and pulled him over to William, going on and on about this and that cute thing William had done since last time the Williams had seen eachother.
Their detailed account was interrupted by Giles practically shouting "An autographed picture?!"
Giles took off his glasses "This is bad, very bad." A very dramatic look crept over his face "This is known as the Hollywood demon."
"The what?" Spike said.
Giles took off his glasses and said "They can cast spells that alter reality."
Dramatic low tones spread through the house, but only Tara seemed to notice. Giles took off his glasses and explained "They make reality into a TV show."
"It's already started" Tara observed. Everyone looked at her "Look at Giles, he just took off his glasses three times in a row without putting them back on." No one apparently got her "Don't you see, it's an editing mistake."
"Damn," Spike said, "I'd better be off, almost dawn."
"And that's a writing inconsistency, it was just after midnight a minute ago."
"How come you're getting all this and Giles isn't" Willow wanted to know.
"I suppose it's because, I'm the brain now."
"You're no brain, you're a person." Buffy said, then she added "I look pretty in orange."
Giles took off his glasses and said "What?"
"I look pretty in orange," Buffy turned to Willow and said "Should I get my boobs done?"
"Oh my god" Tara said "Buffy's the dumb blond."
"Is that bad?" Willow asked.
"It means" a suspenseful tune played in the background "Buffy's no longer the hero."
"We're all gonna die!" Willow screamed.
"And you'd be hysterical girl" Tara said.
Willow started running through Giles's place, waving her hands in the air "oh my god, oh my god, I'm hysterical girl, we're all gonna die."
Tara turned to Giles who took off his glasses "We need to figure out who the hero is, only the hero can save us."
In her panic mode, Willow ran up the stairs.
"Willow, Don't!"
But it was too late, a scream and a crash, followed by Willow going "We're doomed". Her hysteria seemed to be somewhat lessened by her fall as she emerged from the back somewhere.
Tara comforted her "Stairs don't lead anywhere in TV shows."
A voice none of them had ever heard before suddenly said "My mommy is acting funny. I hope she doesn't forget to feed me. Mommy has these two sacks of yummy milk in front of her. I have two mommies. My other mommy also has these sacks but they're broken or something. She never feeds me."
Giles took off his glasses and said "What on Earth was that?"
Tara shrugged "William, I guess ... He called me mommy." A big smile developed.
Done feeling all fuzzy inside she took charge again "Buffy, we need to find the hero."
Buffy stared blankly and said "I can't go looking, I'm a pretty girl, I'm to busy being pretty and attracting wealthy men with my prettiness ... and my boobs. Should I get my boobs done?"
"Giles, you'll have to go looking then."
Giles wanted to say something, but his right hand was moving towards his glasses. He grabbed it with his left hand and tried to push it back down, but his right arm was to strong. It inched towards his glasses. Giles threw all his weight against it and managed to get his right arm onto the desk. He put his knee on his hand and rummaged through the drawer. He found some sticky tape and proceeded to tape his hand to the desk. It still tried to get up, but Giles was triumphant. "HAHA! I beat it!"
Then his left arm shot up and pulled of his glasses. He sagged onto the chair and stared crying, but not before taking his glasses off.
"I'll go looking" said the woman in her twenties who hadn't been there a minute ago.
"Ok, Valerie, start at Spike's. I'll stay here and keep these three out of trouble"
"Who's that?" said Buffy "She's pretty. We're both pretty."
"She's the previously unmentioned character that gets added when the ratings fall." Tara explained.
"The ratings are falling? Oh my god the ratings are falling!" Willow screamed.
---
It was noon already and Val wasn't back yet from Spike's. Tara was getting worried. She had managed to keep Buffy from danger by dumping here in the bathroom where she was doing her hair, over and over again. Giles was deep into a bottle of cognac and fast developing calluses on the sides of his nose. Tara broke away from Willow long enough to call Xander and tell him to check out what was keeping Val and Spike.
Xander hurried over to Spike's crypt.
"Spike! Spike! Where are you?"
Spike moved out of the shadows, utterly naked.
"Good God!" Xander stumbled back, covering his eyes.
"It's ok Xander," Valerie said as she emerged form the same shadows, also utterly naked. "You can go tell Tara that Spike isn't the hero."
"Then what is he?" Xander whimpered from behind the TV.
In a deep sexy voice Spike said "I'm the good looking man who attracts the women to the show."
Val added "And every show has to have sex these days, so, we've sacrificed ourselves to fill that role."
Spike took Val in his strong manly arms and summoned his deepest and sexiest voice "Would you like me to fill anything in particular, dear?"
"Oh yes." Val leaned back on the big heart shaped bed that replaced the coffin that used to be there. Spike kneeled between her legs and Val guided his head to her ...
Xander yelped and bolted out the door.
---
Xander burst into Giles's home.
"Xander! Where's Spike?" Tara called out.
"He's ... erm ..." Xander's voice betrayed him "He's ... um, having sex with Val." He nodded vigorously "There were dildos and straps. There were strap-on dildos."
"Cool, Buggery is so cool," Buffy said, then off Xander's weird look "Hey, I read that in a magazine. Magazines are never wrong. I think I read it in a magazine. Anyway, I'm pretty."
Xander marched over to Giles, who was lying, passed out, on the floor, still taking his glasses off. He tore the nearly empty bottle of cognac from Giles's grasp and took a big swing.
Willow grabbed him "Spike's not coming to help? We're doomed, we're already dead."
Tara pulled him free of Willow's hold "How's Anya holding up?"
Xander nodded "Pretty well" then he shook his head "as in not at all. This morning, when she woke up, she freaked out. Kept asking how she ended up in my bed, kept demanding to be called 'Emma'."
"This is bad, we need to get out of town, regroup. You go and collect Dawn from school and I'll keep this lot from too much harm."
---
"Hey, Xan-man, Buffy too busy having smoochies with Spike to pick me up?" Dawn said.
"Come on, Dawn, we need to get out of here, something terrible has happened."
"Something happen to Buffy?"
"To all of us, some demon turned Buffy into a dumb blond ..."
"Cool"
"Not cool, Dawn, Now she isn't the hero anymore and she can't save us!"
"Oh, is that all." Dawn rummaged through her backpack and pulled out a Spice Girls CD. She stuck the CD in the air and shouted "I am Dawn, bleep of Girl Power(TM)".
A brilliant light enveloped Dawn and her school clothes morphed into a gold coloured armour. The CD changed into a magnificent sword that was way too big to wield properly and looked suspiciously like a plastic toy.
"YOU're the hero?!" Xander said. "What's a bleep of Girl Power(TM)?" he added.
"It was supposed to be 'mistress', but the censors wouldn't allow it since I'm a minor."
"Figures, Val and Spike are having crazy monkey sex but you can't call yourself mistress." Xander was on a roll "Did you know, just now, Tara kissed Willow ... AND THEIR HEADS DISAPPEARED!!! Can't have lesbians kissing, nono, can't have that!"
Dawn said "Don't feel bad, Xander." and since she was the hero now, Xander immediatly felt better.
Dawn then pointed at her backpack. A golden ray of light shot from her finger and upon impact, her backpack morphed into super-duper, rocket powered skateboard (gold coloured of course). She flew into the air and landed next to the Hollywood demon in barely enough time to air a commercial about a movie featuring lesbian kissage.
She took an heroic stance and proclaimed "You hurt my friends, now you must face the wrath of Girl Power(TM)".
"That's not in the script!" the Hollywood demon screamed.
As she ran her sword through the demon's gut, Dawn said "I'm the hero, I'm above the script."
The demon managed to gurgle "Oh shit, I knew there was a loophole." And with him, his spell died.
Dawn stood over the slain body of the demon, not quite sure what had happened. Then she saw the CD in her hand "Spice Girls? Eeeeew." and she dropped it like it was a pile of iguana droppings. Not that she had ever actually held a pile of iguana droppings.
---
"Was no biggy. No one got really hurt." Buffy said as they made their way through the cemetery.
"Nope" Spike said.
"Giles got some lotion for his nose and Willow had a couple of bruises to take care of, but other then that."
"No one."
"Exactly, well, I think Dawn would have preferred to keep her Girl Power. She's been sticking every CD she owns into the air proclaiming to be the mistress or something."
"Yep"
"But other then that, no one got hurt."
"No"
"Say, why are you walking funny?"
"Am not."
"Yeah you are, you've got your legs like miles apart" then it hit her "oh, right, Valerie."
Category: A merry romp
Rated: R
Characters: The whole gang basically plus one special guest!
Continuity: Continuity, one event follows another and all must stay consistent, sometimes you just have to say, who gives a smeg!
Summary: A not-so-big bad comes to Sunnydale. He kills, maims and is a general pain in the ass.
Disclaimer: all hail Joss
A man runs. He's not running to some place, he's running away from something. He's stumbling, falling, looking over his shoulder every other second. There's no one about, no one to turn to for salvation, no one to rescue him from certain death at the hands of ...
"Spike!"
The blonde vampire landed on the ground barely 2 steps away from the morbidly afraid man.
"Please don't run anymore, your death only get longer and ickier that way," Spike said to his victim in a cheerful voice, quietly wondering where he picked up the word 'icky'.
The man fell to his knees "Please, don't kill me, please!"
"Why? Don't tell me you have a bunch of brats," Spike drew closer, raising his weapon.
"Please, NO! I've got information."
Spike plunged his weapon down. A powerful hand caught his.
"Don't kill him, Spike." Buffy gasped, still panting from her run.
"Oh, Come ON! Why can't I kill him?"
"He's got information."
"They all say that, and this one's whining, I hate when they whine."
Their victim was quietly trying to sneak away. Without looking, Buffy just tripped him and proceeded to stand on him. "And now you're whining."
"Am not!"
"Spike, go lurk over there or something"
Spike slammed his hands in his pockets and trudged away, muttering "I never lurk, I'm not a lurker."
Buffy pulled the now slightly dirty vampire to his feet "OK, talk."
"Promise not to kill me?"
Buffy just glared at him.
"I'll take it with me to my grave!"
"You've already been in a grave."
"I'm still not telling until you promise."
"OK, OK, I promise"
The vampire was not yet satisfied.
"... not to stake you."
The vamp relaxed a bit "Word has it, that there's a new evil in town. And he's not here for the sights."
"Vampire?"
"No, demon."
"That's all you know? Say hi to mister pointy."
"No, No! Wait! There's more." Using one hand to put up a feeble defence against Mr.Pointy, the vamp reached inside his way outdated jeans jacket and pulled out a picture.
Buffy dropped the vamp "He's handing out autographed pictures?"
The vampire took off like a life-long bachelor whose girlfriend just caught the bouquet. But when he passed the nearest tree, an arm swung out from behind it and hit him right in the chest.
Buffy looked up just in time to see the last of him crumble to the ground "SPIKE! I promised him!"
"I didn't, besides, can't let them get away, he might attack a little old lady or a retired fireman or a ... a ... a hamster."
"If we keep doing this, they'll never tell us anything anymore."
But Spike wasn't listening, he was off somewhere in Spikeland "I know why you're peeved. That makes three for me to just two for you. Which means I take the night AND the week."
"What? He doesn't count, we both caught him."
"Tell you what, well put it before the umpire."
"Yeah right, you'd like that, Dawn always takes your side. You're impossible!"
Spike swung right in front of her, grabbing her by the hips "That's why you love me."
He kissed her. She put up a token resistance for about half a second but her tongue was seeking his soon enough.
Between the kisses she managed to produce "Don't love you". He muttered "yeah, yeah". As his hands started moving up her shirt, she said "You're lucky slaying makes me horny."
His cold hands moved up her back. She could tell exactly where they were. It sent shivers up her spine. Her bra was now undone and one hand moved ever so slowly to the front. Spike started nibbling at her neck. 'Oooh yes, I could use some of that' she thought. His hand had broken contact, where was it? Then suddenly, it cupped her breast. Buffy screamed, then she pulled away.
"I knew you were horney, but coming from some minor fondling?!" Spike said, a bit miffed at her breaking contact, yet impressed by his own lovemaking skills.
"I didn't come you pervert," she said as she redid her bra "I remembered the picture."
"WHAT? You're memory has really bloody awful timing, you know."
"Come along maniac, we need to show this to Giles."
---
Buffy was pleased to see Giles was still up, although part of her, a very specific part of her wasn't too happy. The former watcher had found a new calling in life as Williams default babysitter. The girls, who had been out on the town were just now collecting William.
Willow and Tara grabbed onto Spike the minute he walked in and pulled him over to William, going on and on about this and that cute thing William had done since last time the Williams had seen eachother.
Their detailed account was interrupted by Giles practically shouting "An autographed picture?!"
Giles took off his glasses "This is bad, very bad." A very dramatic look crept over his face "This is known as the Hollywood demon."
"The what?" Spike said.
Giles took off his glasses and said "They can cast spells that alter reality."
Dramatic low tones spread through the house, but only Tara seemed to notice. Giles took off his glasses and explained "They make reality into a TV show."
"It's already started" Tara observed. Everyone looked at her "Look at Giles, he just took off his glasses three times in a row without putting them back on." No one apparently got her "Don't you see, it's an editing mistake."
"Damn," Spike said, "I'd better be off, almost dawn."
"And that's a writing inconsistency, it was just after midnight a minute ago."
"How come you're getting all this and Giles isn't" Willow wanted to know.
"I suppose it's because, I'm the brain now."
"You're no brain, you're a person." Buffy said, then she added "I look pretty in orange."
Giles took off his glasses and said "What?"
"I look pretty in orange," Buffy turned to Willow and said "Should I get my boobs done?"
"Oh my god" Tara said "Buffy's the dumb blond."
"Is that bad?" Willow asked.
"It means" a suspenseful tune played in the background "Buffy's no longer the hero."
"We're all gonna die!" Willow screamed.
"And you'd be hysterical girl" Tara said.
Willow started running through Giles's place, waving her hands in the air "oh my god, oh my god, I'm hysterical girl, we're all gonna die."
Tara turned to Giles who took off his glasses "We need to figure out who the hero is, only the hero can save us."
In her panic mode, Willow ran up the stairs.
"Willow, Don't!"
But it was too late, a scream and a crash, followed by Willow going "We're doomed". Her hysteria seemed to be somewhat lessened by her fall as she emerged from the back somewhere.
Tara comforted her "Stairs don't lead anywhere in TV shows."
A voice none of them had ever heard before suddenly said "My mommy is acting funny. I hope she doesn't forget to feed me. Mommy has these two sacks of yummy milk in front of her. I have two mommies. My other mommy also has these sacks but they're broken or something. She never feeds me."
Giles took off his glasses and said "What on Earth was that?"
Tara shrugged "William, I guess ... He called me mommy." A big smile developed.
Done feeling all fuzzy inside she took charge again "Buffy, we need to find the hero."
Buffy stared blankly and said "I can't go looking, I'm a pretty girl, I'm to busy being pretty and attracting wealthy men with my prettiness ... and my boobs. Should I get my boobs done?"
"Giles, you'll have to go looking then."
Giles wanted to say something, but his right hand was moving towards his glasses. He grabbed it with his left hand and tried to push it back down, but his right arm was to strong. It inched towards his glasses. Giles threw all his weight against it and managed to get his right arm onto the desk. He put his knee on his hand and rummaged through the drawer. He found some sticky tape and proceeded to tape his hand to the desk. It still tried to get up, but Giles was triumphant. "HAHA! I beat it!"
Then his left arm shot up and pulled of his glasses. He sagged onto the chair and stared crying, but not before taking his glasses off.
"I'll go looking" said the woman in her twenties who hadn't been there a minute ago.
"Ok, Valerie, start at Spike's. I'll stay here and keep these three out of trouble"
"Who's that?" said Buffy "She's pretty. We're both pretty."
"She's the previously unmentioned character that gets added when the ratings fall." Tara explained.
"The ratings are falling? Oh my god the ratings are falling!" Willow screamed.
---
It was noon already and Val wasn't back yet from Spike's. Tara was getting worried. She had managed to keep Buffy from danger by dumping here in the bathroom where she was doing her hair, over and over again. Giles was deep into a bottle of cognac and fast developing calluses on the sides of his nose. Tara broke away from Willow long enough to call Xander and tell him to check out what was keeping Val and Spike.
Xander hurried over to Spike's crypt.
"Spike! Spike! Where are you?"
Spike moved out of the shadows, utterly naked.
"Good God!" Xander stumbled back, covering his eyes.
"It's ok Xander," Valerie said as she emerged form the same shadows, also utterly naked. "You can go tell Tara that Spike isn't the hero."
"Then what is he?" Xander whimpered from behind the TV.
In a deep sexy voice Spike said "I'm the good looking man who attracts the women to the show."
Val added "And every show has to have sex these days, so, we've sacrificed ourselves to fill that role."
Spike took Val in his strong manly arms and summoned his deepest and sexiest voice "Would you like me to fill anything in particular, dear?"
"Oh yes." Val leaned back on the big heart shaped bed that replaced the coffin that used to be there. Spike kneeled between her legs and Val guided his head to her ...
Xander yelped and bolted out the door.
---
Xander burst into Giles's home.
"Xander! Where's Spike?" Tara called out.
"He's ... erm ..." Xander's voice betrayed him "He's ... um, having sex with Val." He nodded vigorously "There were dildos and straps. There were strap-on dildos."
"Cool, Buggery is so cool," Buffy said, then off Xander's weird look "Hey, I read that in a magazine. Magazines are never wrong. I think I read it in a magazine. Anyway, I'm pretty."
Xander marched over to Giles, who was lying, passed out, on the floor, still taking his glasses off. He tore the nearly empty bottle of cognac from Giles's grasp and took a big swing.
Willow grabbed him "Spike's not coming to help? We're doomed, we're already dead."
Tara pulled him free of Willow's hold "How's Anya holding up?"
Xander nodded "Pretty well" then he shook his head "as in not at all. This morning, when she woke up, she freaked out. Kept asking how she ended up in my bed, kept demanding to be called 'Emma'."
"This is bad, we need to get out of town, regroup. You go and collect Dawn from school and I'll keep this lot from too much harm."
---
"Hey, Xan-man, Buffy too busy having smoochies with Spike to pick me up?" Dawn said.
"Come on, Dawn, we need to get out of here, something terrible has happened."
"Something happen to Buffy?"
"To all of us, some demon turned Buffy into a dumb blond ..."
"Cool"
"Not cool, Dawn, Now she isn't the hero anymore and she can't save us!"
"Oh, is that all." Dawn rummaged through her backpack and pulled out a Spice Girls CD. She stuck the CD in the air and shouted "I am Dawn, bleep of Girl Power(TM)".
A brilliant light enveloped Dawn and her school clothes morphed into a gold coloured armour. The CD changed into a magnificent sword that was way too big to wield properly and looked suspiciously like a plastic toy.
"YOU're the hero?!" Xander said. "What's a bleep of Girl Power(TM)?" he added.
"It was supposed to be 'mistress', but the censors wouldn't allow it since I'm a minor."
"Figures, Val and Spike are having crazy monkey sex but you can't call yourself mistress." Xander was on a roll "Did you know, just now, Tara kissed Willow ... AND THEIR HEADS DISAPPEARED!!! Can't have lesbians kissing, nono, can't have that!"
Dawn said "Don't feel bad, Xander." and since she was the hero now, Xander immediatly felt better.
Dawn then pointed at her backpack. A golden ray of light shot from her finger and upon impact, her backpack morphed into super-duper, rocket powered skateboard (gold coloured of course). She flew into the air and landed next to the Hollywood demon in barely enough time to air a commercial about a movie featuring lesbian kissage.
She took an heroic stance and proclaimed "You hurt my friends, now you must face the wrath of Girl Power(TM)".
"That's not in the script!" the Hollywood demon screamed.
As she ran her sword through the demon's gut, Dawn said "I'm the hero, I'm above the script."
The demon managed to gurgle "Oh shit, I knew there was a loophole." And with him, his spell died.
Dawn stood over the slain body of the demon, not quite sure what had happened. Then she saw the CD in her hand "Spice Girls? Eeeeew." and she dropped it like it was a pile of iguana droppings. Not that she had ever actually held a pile of iguana droppings.
---
"Was no biggy. No one got really hurt." Buffy said as they made their way through the cemetery.
"Nope" Spike said.
"Giles got some lotion for his nose and Willow had a couple of bruises to take care of, but other then that."
"No one."
"Exactly, well, I think Dawn would have preferred to keep her Girl Power. She's been sticking every CD she owns into the air proclaiming to be the mistress or something."
"Yep"
"But other then that, no one got hurt."
"No"
"Say, why are you walking funny?"
"Am not."
"Yeah you are, you've got your legs like miles apart" then it hit her "oh, right, Valerie."