Originally Made by Grenade Guzzler of the GameFAQs Message Boards
Chapter 1- The Stupidity Begins…
Before I begin, I have to give credit to all these people.
From the GameFAQs Message Boards
KidBomb, YoshiFan, Jookookakoo, Zelda99, SS 100000 Sephiroth, MajorGannon, Blossom02134, bumchum, MarthRulez, Roxbear00009, theshadowishere2001, Shield Liger, StuffedCarbuncleDoll, Ahylis, miracle gamer, perfectgamer00, redhead64, pikachu222, rocketgoat, FuNkY cAt, Bugzzy, Stanjo, solidsnake, Exavier, niles, monkeyhihi, SurpremeDragoon, xSonictheHedgehogxX, cowman, angelgrl8389, RockMFR 5, shadow the great, pik pik carrot, Koolman501, Axusus, shadowx6, SevenYearOld, and Me =)
And of course…Grenade Guzzler, for giving me permission for me to rewrite this great topic into a fanfic and for helping me out with this.
Oh! And one more thing, before you read, it's kind of important to know about Pikmin, or you might not get some things in the story. It gets pretty stupid… no scratch that, it gets VERY stupid at some places in the story, because of a few problems with some users not mentioned on the thanks list. Well enjoy! *Hides in a corner hoping not to be flamed*
Pre-Day 1: Space Flying
Olimar: I really needed a vacation. All this work is just too much for me.
Computer: You're a weakling.
Olimar: I guess I am.
Computer: Hehehe, you're a weakling!
Olimar: Sometimes I wish this ship would just crash and it would make you be quiet.
Computer: Then fly into an asteroid. See if I care!
Olimar: I'm not that dumb!
*Meteor comes out and hits the Dolphin*
Olimar: Ah crap.
Computer: Hahaha! Sweet freedom!
*The computer burns off and falls to the ground, along with other parts*
Olimar: NOOOOOO!!!!
*The Dolphin crashes on planet surface*
Day 1: The Impact Site
Olimar: I... must have passed out. Hmm, that red lump over there looks strange. I wonder if I should approach it...
*The Red Onion pops up! *
Olimar: Whoa!
*The Pikmin seed comes out and spawns a leaf*
Olimar: What should I do? I know! I'll take off my helmet for some air, this Oxygen can't be too poisonous...
*Takes off helmet*
*Chokes*
*Puts helmet back on*
Olimar: Guess not...
*Approaches plant*
*Picks plant*
*Pikmin comes up*
Olimar: Wow! What are you?
Pikmin: I'm a Pikmin.
Olimar: What's a Pikmin?
Pikmin: Me!
Olimar: Oh... What do you do?
Pikmin: Work.
Olimar: Like what?
Pikmin: Kill that big animal over there.
Olimar: OK
*Pikmin goes over to a Bulbear and dies*
Olimar: um... ok...
*Olimar takes off his helmet, thinking that Oxygen is fun to breathe. Inhales, and then begins to choke... Olimar dies... A pikmin comes along, and it is about to pick Olimar up*
*Olimar wakes up from sleeping*
Olimar: Hmm, I must have been dreaming.
*He sees a leaf in the ground*
*Olimar opens his eyes wide to find out he WAS NOT in a dream world and he kills himself. The Pikmin are going to pick his body up. *
*Olimar's ghost Gives Dunkaroos to all the Pikmin. *
*The Pikmin eat.....And eat...and eat...*
(GASP! The Pikmin are choking on the dunkaroos!!!)
*Olimar's ghost walks away*
Olimar's ghost: Boring... hey, there's an earthquake here or something?
*Olimar wakes up inside his ship*
Olimar: AAAAH!!! Oh... it was all a dream. Wait a minute... why am I on this planet where I crashed in my dream?
(WARNING: ALL SUPER MARIO BROTHERS 2 FANS PREPARE FOR A RIPOFF!)
Olimar: Is this a déja vu or what? I've seen all this in my dream... that red Onion thingy is right in the same place. And what's really spooky is that this planet has poisonous Oxygen... thank goodness I breathe a Made-up-gas-thingy.
*Another earthquake, this time with more um... shakiness*
Olimar: Oh s*it
*It turns out that the Death Star is trying to take over the planet! *
(Olimar runs out of his ship to find... one red Pikmin. One red leaf Pikmin. Olimar picks him up and just as the Pikmin touches it the Death Star explodes. More earthquakes occurred. Olimar and the Pikmin run into the forest to find... The Massage Machine set to "destroy planet")
Olimar: Oh no! Not the Massage Machine!!!!!!!!
Computer: Where is my boot disk?
Massage machine: DESTROY! DESTROY! DESTROY! DESTROY! DESTROY! DESTROY! DESTROY! DESTROY!...
Olimar: OKAY!!! WE GET THE POINT!
*A Wollywog appears*
Wollywog: SQUISHY SQUISHY!
*Wollywog jumps, misses, and falls right on the massage machine*
Massage machine: ERROR! ERROR! ERROR! Error...rrrrrrr... *fizzle*
Wollywog: *pointing at Olimar* SQUISHY SQUISHY!
Olimar: I better do something here. I know! I'll...Order a pizza!
Olimar: Hello? I want a Seafood Pizza! On The double!
Pizza Guy: here you go!
Olimar: Damn those fast-food Joints! *Grabs pizza and throws*
Wollywog: My Brothers! *Jumps after pizza*
Pizza Guy: I want a tip!
Olimar: Huh? Oh here have a Pikmin
Pikmin: You cruel creature!
Olimar: I never liked you anyway
Wollywog: Oh no...My long lost cousin just fell into a hole!
Olimar: Oh well...
Wollywog: You freak! I will kill you!
Olimar: Not if I...Act like an agitated Gorilla with rabies!
Olimar: Rabies attack!
*Olimar runs around and randomly attacks the Wollywog with different body parts*
Wollywog: That tickles. Take this!
*The Wollywog jumps on Olimar, knocking him out. When he wakes up again, he is lying down in front about a million bulborbs*
Bulborb #108: There he is! The one who has been killing all of our allies!
Bulborb #256: Kill him!
Bulborb #212: Skin him!
Bulborb #1: Patience. First, we have to ask him a few questions. Do you really think you could just kill us and get away with it?
Olimar: Uuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmm...........
Bulborb#1: Get him guys!
Olimar: Uh-oh! I know I'll fight back!
*Soon he tries to kick one of the bulborbs and gets knocked out. When he awakens Emperor Bulblax stands before him. Olimar decides to run away*
Olimar: I must run! Make haste!
Bulblax: Duh...
Olimar: Um...You're supposed to chase me...
Bulblax: Oh...ARGNECLAPHECNISH
Olimar: WTF WAS THAT!?!?!?!??!?!
Bulblax: Bulborb War cry
Olimar: right...
Pikmin: Let's begin the chase already
Olimar: I must do something drastic... *Takes off helmet* COUGH COUGH *Puts helmet back on*
Pikmin: Dummy.
Olimar: *Shakes fist at the sky* Damn you, oxygen!!! Ack, I still need to run away. He's gaining on me!
*Olimar runs and finds the black onion*
Olimar: Holy crap... a new species of Pikmin!
Black Pikmin: Duh... I'm da smartest pikthingy in da world! Hahaha
Olimar: Huh?
Black Pikmin: Now watch me do my... uh... special thing
*Black Pikmin goes up to a Bulbear and explodes killing the Bulbear and itself*
Red Pikmin: The self-destructing under intelligence Black Pikmin. Maybe if we can get some more seeds from that Onion we could use them against Bulblax back there.
Olimar: But I can't wait for the next day!... Can you bring a pellet back to another onion?
Pikmin: Noooooooooooooo!!!!!! I can't take a pellet back to another onion!!!
Olimar: Why not?
Pikmin: Because my onion will start producing self-unearthing Bulblax seeds!
Olimar: But won't the seeds then listen to me?
Pikmin: Yes.
Olimar: Then get the pellets!
Pikmin: Ok!
*Three minutes later*
Red Pikmin: All done with the pellets.
Olimar: Good I will go pick them and throw them at Bulblax and pick the good Bulblax seeds and we will destroy him. But before we do I am gonna take of my helmet.
(After taking off his helmet, he once again realizes that he can not breathe on this planet. As he is recovering from yet another shock, he notices his Pikmin are carrying him towards the blue Onion)
Olimar: Hey! What are you doing!?
Pikmin (collectively): We're sick of you acting like a retard!
Olimar: Oh, this is NOT going to look good on my journal.
Pikmin: You won't need a stinkin' journal where you're going. We'll make you one of us so you'll be useful!
Olimar: Wait a minute! Let me ask you one thing - How do you think guys like me feel when they're cornered?
Pikmin: They're sure they've won… Now shut up and hang on, we'll fix you up in just a sec.
*The Pikmin feed Olimar into the onion*
*The onion suddenly trembles, then vomits up Captain Olimar and explodes*
Olimar: Whew! Thank goodness for bean burritos!
*Then the bushes nearby tremble and a new pikmin jumps out! It's a Mech Pikmin!*
Olimar: What the hell!!! I am getting out of here!! *runs*
*Suddenly a bunch of Mech Pikmin comes out from the bushes.*
*They surround Olimar and then… He gets warped into apparently some kind of time portal that popped out of nowhere*
*Olimar gets sucked in and goes straight to the beginning of the game. Olimar finds two things around him, a red Pikmin, the Dolphin (broken of course)*
Olimar: *tapes his helmet so he won't take it off* Ha! Now I can't take my helmet and die like I did last time! Take that, oxygen!... Hey, why do I hear a buzzing noise?
*Olimar realizes that a Shearwig was on his helmet and won't get off*
Olimar: Great. If I could take off my helmet I could squash it (while holding my breath of course). Now what am I gonna do? I know I'll run around in circles screaming for no reason!
Olimar: *runs around in circles screaming for no reason*
*The Shearwig gets off*
Olimar: Now, how to get revenge on it? Aha! I'll use my helmet!… Grr! Stupid thing! Come off! Oh yeah, I taped it… well, I guess I'll just push this rock on it.
*Olimar pushes the rock and squashes the Shearwig*
Olimar: take that! Now what do I do? I know, I'll push the button!
Olimar: Whoa, what does this button do?
Mysterious Voice: Summons the Emperor!
Olimar: Oh no, then I won't press it.
*Olimar goes to pick a Pikmin. It follows him around for a while, but trips and flies onto the button*
Mysterious Voice: Haha! Here he comes!
Bulblax: I'm gonna kill you!
Olimar: Oh no, I guess I have to… sit down for a minute to think up a good strategy. Let's see... think, think, think…..
(While Olimar was thinking, Emperor eats him)
Emperor: *Burp* Tastes like Chicken.
*Stomp*
Emperor: OWIE!! My foot!! (Looks down) Huh? I thought I ate you!
Olimar: Actually, you ate my cousin, Alimar!
Emperor: Whatever. I'm still going to eat you!
*Olimar runs around, head-butting Bulblax. After about two hours, he has reduced Bulblax's "life wheel" thing to only 99%*
Olimar: WHEW! I ... can't ... go on!
Bulblax: I'm just about ready to eat you!
*Bulblax shoots out his tongue*
Olimar: WAIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTT!!!!!!!
*Bulblax's tongue stops inches in front of Olimar and hangs there suspenseful*
Bulblax: What ith it now, you inthignificant midget thing? You think you're tho thpethial with all your Pikmin friendth.
*Olimar takes off his helmet to wipe the spittle off it*
Olimar: GAAAAASSSSSPPP!
*He puts it back on*
Olimar: Before you kill me, I want you to know that I am your father….
Bulblax: NOOOOOO!!! THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE!!!
Olimar: You're right. It's not. I was joking... hey, what are you doing?
*Bulblax has a seizure and dies*
Olimar: OK... where's my secret stash?
Dwarf Bulborb: It's gone that way!
Olimar: Okay, thanks!
*Olimar walks to the spot only to realize that it's… a freakishly mutated Pellet Posy that wants to destroy the universe!*
Mutant Pellet Posy: Hahaha! My pellets are full of fat and have no nutritional value!
Olimar: I can beat you up!
*Olimar walks to posy and begins hitting*
Posy: AAAAAH that tickles!
*Pikmin jump in from all over*
Pikmin: Haha! We will save you!
*Posy kills all Pikmin*
*Olimar gets sucked into another time portal that popped out of nowhere*
*Olimar gets sucked in, and lands at the beginning of the game. He sees three things: a Pikmin, the broken Dolphin, and a red button*
Olimar: I think I'll....Play Paddleball! *pulls out paddleball* 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..
*6 days later*
Olimar: 6001...6002...
*suddenly Bulblax eats him*
Olimar: Dang! What do I do now? I know, I'll talk to the skeleton Pikmin! So, why are you here?
Pikmin: No Response
Olimar: Well that is interesting, I guess.
Pikmin: No Response
Olimar: …I know! I will make them talk by taking off my helmet, AGAIN!
*Olimar takes off his helmet*
Olimar: Hey! I can breathe Carbon Dioxide! I'll survive in here, but I'll just get digested in the end. Aha! He's sleeping with his mouth open. Now's my chance!
*Olimar walks out. Bulblax wakes up, but before he can figure out what happened, Olimar destroys him with his army of Pikmin*
Olimar: now I can take all the time I want to find ship parts. Hey! The Skele-Pikmin are alive!
Skele-Pikmin: hello, Olimar.
Olimar: What's your special ability?
Skele-Min: well, I can...
Olimar: Wait, I hear something...
Olimar#2: YAAAAAAAAAA!
(2 lands on 1. 1 sees 2)
1: EEEEEEEK!
2: Whoa. Is my nose that big?
1: Where did you come from?!
2: Um… the Hocotatian robot fact… err, hotel?
1: Well, it doesn't matter. We're trapped in this world along with this Skele-min whose power is...
Skele-Min: …to transform into Pikmin-loving predators! Here it goes...*transforms into a snake-bird*
Olimar#1: Holy Cow!
*The Pikmin decide they've had enough of fighting, pick up Olimar and hurl him at the snakebird*
Olimar#1: Ahhhhhh help!
*Olimar flies right into the SnakeBirds mouth. He lands down in the belly.*
Olimar#1: No worries, I'll just… won't do anything…
Outside....
Olimar 2: Oh no! He ate me! No wait... he ate him! Or is it me? GAAAH! I'm confused! Oh, well. I've got to think of a way to get him out! Or is it me out? Well, it doesn't matter. I'll have to go inside and save him.
Olimar 2: (tickles creature) Gootchie-gootchie-goo!
Snakebird: Hee-hee-hee, HA-HA-HA-HA!
(Olimar jumps in creature's mouth and jumps out with Olimar 1)
Olimar 1: Wow. You saved me!
Olimar 2: Yeah, but now what? We got to find a way out!
Olimar 1: What about that bush that has "exit" written all over it?
Olimar 2: I see it!… Well, it's just *fizzle* I must review my controls for these Pikmin! I use B to call them, X to separate them, Y to *fizzle* Oh, home on the range, where the deer and the *fizzle* Luke, I am your mother!... I mean father *fizzle* Today on cooking with Suzy, we learn how to stir fry Pik-Pik carrots! First, you *fizzle*
Olimar 1: Hey, you're just some dumb robot!
Olimar 2: *crack* NOW WE'Re goInG to plAY A liTTle gAMe... BLFOBLZAAAAAAAAAARG...
*pop*
*EXPLODE!!!!!!!!!!!*
Olimar: Well that was useless.
Olimar: Hmmm... Maybe I can think more clearly if I take my helmet off. *Takes off helmet, chokes, puts helmet back on* Oh yeah. I can think now. Maybe Olimar 2 had some food. *digs through junk* nope. I'll just go through the exit bush.
(Olimar goes through bush)
Olimar: Yay! I'm free!
*Olimar pulls the Pikmin out*
Pikmin: Why the heck did you have to wake me? I'll have to kill you for your insolence!
Olimar: Nooooo!!
Olimar runs away only to find…Another Time Portal!
*Olimar runs through the time portal*
Olimar: Maybe if I go through this time portal I can get to Pre-Day 1, and not get hit with a meteor!
*Olimar warps through time only to arrive at the GameFAQs Pikmin message boards!*
Olimar: Hey, what's with all the blue stuff? (Looks up) Hmm, "FAQ's". Wonder what those are... (Presses 'FAQ's' and goes to one of them) Wow! I can escape from this planet in 9 days! (Reads FAQ) Very interesting...
Person outside computer: Hey! What's Olimar doing in this FAQ?!
Olimar: Uh-oh...
POC: (Picks up phone) Hello? Computer Expert? What do I do when Olimar from Pikmin is reading a FAQ? Uh, huh. Yeah. OK, bye! He says I need to turn the power off.
Olimar: Uh-oh. If he turns the power off, I'll be gone forever! PleasepleasedonotturnoffthatswitchbecauseifyoudoIwilldieforever!!!!!!!!!!
POC: Whoa. I think I've got a virus. Let's see, trash bin, recycle *clicks on Olimar*
Olimar: AHHHH! Hold on! I am not a virus!
POC: I'll give you 15 seconds to scram. 1...
Olimar: AHHHH! Don't kill me!!!!!
POC: why?
Olimar: lean a little closer to the computer screen and ill tell you.....
*poc leans closer to the computer screen*
*Olimar sucks poc into the computer*
POC: Where am I?
Olimar: Welcome to the *echoing voice* matrix matrix matrix.....
POC: Huh? Who said that?
*Olimar pulls himself out of the computer*
Olimar: Do you feel lucky, punk!?
POC: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Olimar: Do you???
POC: Maybe I do, maybe I don't…
*A Bulbear also jumps out of the computer and attacks Olimar making the computer fall over*
*POC dies*
*Olimar decided to raid the fridge*
Olimar: I wonder what this dude has to eat...
(Olimar opens freezer and goes inside. Bulbear closes door)
Bulbear: Hee, Hee, Hee!
Olimar: Oh, well. Somebody will free me eventually...
2,000 years later...
Olimar: Yep, any day now...
(Door thaws open; Olimar falls out)
Olimar: Oof!
(Some human goes to fridge)
Human: What the...? It's some weird astronaut dude!!
Olimar: Uh-oh….
To be continued…