Abigail Wyczenski. She was never really a Wyczenski, not a real one. Sure she was part of the family but the name didn't fit. She was a mommy's girl until she realised how sick she was. Then it was "grown up Abigail". She hated the name Abigail as well. All the way through grade school, high school and college the teachers had refused to shorten it. Abby didn't sound respectable enough for the establishment she was in, so Abigail it was.
Eric was never much use around the house. He'd rather play football or hang out with the lads than look after Maggie and help Abby. But he was the first born, the favourite so it didn't matter. Nothing mattered when it came to Eric. He left home as soon as he could, leaving Abby with Maggie. Leaving her with no one but Maggie.
All the time she was on her meds it was fine. It even felt like sometimes they were normal. A normal girl at home with her normal mom. But deep down Abby knew there was always going to be a time when she had to drop everything because Maggie had had another episode. That was the time she hated being a Wyczenski most.
It brought her down. People looked at her sympathetically. "Poor little Abigail, her mom's sick and she has to look after her." She knew what they thought but she didn't care, or she never admitted she cared. Deep down she knew she did though; she used to think about running away and changing her name. If she weren't a Wyczenski maybe people would treat her differently. Maybe not, she'd still be poor little Abigail.
Abigail Lockhart. She had to admit it sounded a hell of a lot better and people could spell it. But she was never happy with Richard. She had loved him at one point, for a long time, but it had faded. Her love for Richard was replaced by her love for alcohol. He drove her to it, and she hated that. The endless nagging, the incessant moaning and the obligatory 'go' at her every night without fail about something and nothing. She'd have a drink on her way home, then one when she got home, one with dinner and a few sat with Richard watching, no doubt, whatever he wanted to watch.
She tried to stop, she really did but as soon as she was dry Richard would say something and that would be it, she couldn't carry on without the release the drink gave her. It wasn't bad, she often thought. At least she wasn't doing drugs.
Then when she quit medical school it got worse. There was no reason for her not to drink any more. She wasn't treating patients or going to lectures, so it didn't matter how much she drunk, she was no longer a danger to anyone but she and that didn't matter.
She never blamed Richard for the drink. Well not until she got pregnant and had the abortion. She always thought it was because she was weak, but even though she was weak, she had her reasons. The abortion was when she knew that she would be better off without the both of them. She kicked both of the habits, for good she hoped.
Abigail Kovac. Nah, maybe not. For a few fleeting moments she could see it but Luka was right; she was never truly happy with him. There was always something, or someone, better and they both knew it. Abby did love him, or she thought she had. She had cared deeply for him; she had trusted him and she had had respect for him. The night they broke up she discovered that it was all superficial.
The respect she had for him had vanished the split second she revealed his true interior. What he really thought about their relationship, what he really thought about her. And it hurt. It cut deeper than she knew she went. Evidently she wasn't as shallow and cold-hearted as Luka had thought she was.
Most of the time he was the perfect gentleman but there were times, just like that night they broke up, when she felt she never knew him at all. That those 12 months they spent together were a waste of time, emotion and love. But they were friends again. The memories were there but the scars had healed.
She still cared about Luka but not in the same way. She missed the way they talked sometimes but she had a new confidante now. That's probably what broke them up; in fact she knew it was. She remembered the last thing Luka said to her, "Carter can have you!" She hated him saying that, it made her feel guilty about her relationship, just like she felt about her mother; ashamed of the relationship.
Abigail Carter. Carter, the one who knew her inside out? He knew her back to front. He knew her upside down. And the worst thing was, there was nothing she could do about it. The relationship was pretty much a non-starter. Sure they'd kissed a few times but Abby was too scared to admit what she knew deep down. That she was in love with him, just like he was with her.
That frightened teenager was always around when Carter was. She longed to tell him, to hold him, to kiss him. But the same old insecurities were there. The fear of rejection, the thought of it turning out the way all her other relationships had, with broken hearts. After Richard and Luka, and all the nobodies in between she could never truly open up to Carter. He knew exactly what she was thinking and feeling but she could never come out and tell him, no matter how much she wanted to.
They'd been through so much together; addiction, break-ups, addiction, and crisis. It would never work, even if they wanted it to. For a start they knew each other too well if that was possible. She was trying to convince herself of that fact while a part of her kept saying go for it.
Just Abby. No! No matter how much she wanted to be Abigail Carter, it was never going to happen. She was Abigail Lockhart by name, locked heart by nature.