It shouldn't be romantic watching my second-in-command go off to pee, but it is. It helps that's its night time, and a bright moon is glinting off her hair, turning it to gold, and her eyes into deep pools in a white face.
God, I get poetic at night. Or sappy. Maybe it's lack of sleep. I sleep less than I used to, which is why I volunteer for night watch. I know Teal'c doesn't need sleep, but I prefer to do it myself. Still, Teal'c is out there, patrolling the boundaries, and it means I don't have to be on my guard all night. I can just sit, and think and watch.
This is the only time I get to think. At home, if I'm alone, there's always something that needs my attention. Here, it's just me. Just me, and my thoughts.
And of course, they turn to Sam. Really, I should be thinking about Daniel. Planning tomorrow's search, what to do when we find him, and there is a faint vein of worry underneath it all. But honestly, Daniel's been through some of the worst crap in the universe and come through relatively unscathed. He blithely wanders through the universe, secure in his untouchable innocence, putting it all to rights, and arguing with me along the way, and still, no-one's actually managed to shoot him and hit some vital area. Not without a sarcophagus nearby, anyway. No, Daniel will survive again. He'll live fifty years longer than the rest of us, and die in his bed, surrounded by loved ones, and bald, according to future Cassie. It's a comfort, really, to know after I'm dead and gone, Daniel will still be around.
So, it's Sam that occupies my thoughts. Here, on night watch, I can watch her safely. No-one can see my gaze turn to her. Teal'c is around, but he carefully avoids seeing me look at her. I think Teal'c knows more than he lets on. Sam once asked me if I ever got the feeling that Teal'c already knew everything about the universe, he was just staying quiet until we caught up.
Even if Sam wakes up, and sees me, she just smiles sleepily and goes back to sleep. So I can watch her, her face pillowed in her arms, her dreams reflected in her expression, her face all silver highlights and golden strands.
It's now, at night that I dream too. I can drift away, imagine what I want. Imagine a future for the two of us. Imagine the impossible. Imagine I'm a better man than I am, someone who deserves her, instead of someone who just needs her. Imagine she forgets our 'working relationship and military ranks' and just lets us be Sam and Jack.
I can still remember that. Telling her. 'I care about her, a lot more than I'm supposed to'. I thought telling her would be difficult. I struggled so much, to find the words to say, and then to not say them. I spent so many nights like this, sitting on night watch, going over and over it in my head, going over and over her reaction to me. And I imagined so many reactions, but the only one that felt real to me is the one where she turned, and walked away.
Well, at least she didn't do that. I'm not even quite sure what her reaction was. She said so little, and I keep going back, over and over, what her eyes were saying, trying to dig beneath the surface of Sam Carter, and failing miserably. Still, she didn't walk away.
In fact right now, she's walking towards me. Smiling, confident, gentle, happily. She's never shied away from me since, never sought to avoid me, never blamed me for Martouf's death.
She's never come closer either, never talked about what I said, or talked about how she felt. But that's ok. She's here, and that's all I need.
"Teal'c says everything's ok, sir." She tells me, settling down again, not two feet away. She always sleeps near me. Does she arrange that, or do I? Either way, she's always close enough that I can reach out and touch her, wipe the bugs from crawling up her arm, the leaves that float over, the hair lying on her cheek.
"Good. Do you think Rothmans's ok?"
"Ok?"
"He seemed sluggish when I woke him up earlier."
"He's not a people person, sir. And he's not used to waking up instantly. Remember what Daniel used to be like."
"So we can look forward to a few years of Rothman getting captured every five minutes, arguing with anybody with a gun, and having a girl on every planet?"
She laughed, and said goodnight, and slept.
And I sat here, on night watch, doing nothing but watch over the people in my care, and think and dream about the woman that lies two feet and a lifetime away from me.
God, I get poetic at night. Or sappy. Maybe it's lack of sleep. I sleep less than I used to, which is why I volunteer for night watch. I know Teal'c doesn't need sleep, but I prefer to do it myself. Still, Teal'c is out there, patrolling the boundaries, and it means I don't have to be on my guard all night. I can just sit, and think and watch.
This is the only time I get to think. At home, if I'm alone, there's always something that needs my attention. Here, it's just me. Just me, and my thoughts.
And of course, they turn to Sam. Really, I should be thinking about Daniel. Planning tomorrow's search, what to do when we find him, and there is a faint vein of worry underneath it all. But honestly, Daniel's been through some of the worst crap in the universe and come through relatively unscathed. He blithely wanders through the universe, secure in his untouchable innocence, putting it all to rights, and arguing with me along the way, and still, no-one's actually managed to shoot him and hit some vital area. Not without a sarcophagus nearby, anyway. No, Daniel will survive again. He'll live fifty years longer than the rest of us, and die in his bed, surrounded by loved ones, and bald, according to future Cassie. It's a comfort, really, to know after I'm dead and gone, Daniel will still be around.
So, it's Sam that occupies my thoughts. Here, on night watch, I can watch her safely. No-one can see my gaze turn to her. Teal'c is around, but he carefully avoids seeing me look at her. I think Teal'c knows more than he lets on. Sam once asked me if I ever got the feeling that Teal'c already knew everything about the universe, he was just staying quiet until we caught up.
Even if Sam wakes up, and sees me, she just smiles sleepily and goes back to sleep. So I can watch her, her face pillowed in her arms, her dreams reflected in her expression, her face all silver highlights and golden strands.
It's now, at night that I dream too. I can drift away, imagine what I want. Imagine a future for the two of us. Imagine the impossible. Imagine I'm a better man than I am, someone who deserves her, instead of someone who just needs her. Imagine she forgets our 'working relationship and military ranks' and just lets us be Sam and Jack.
I can still remember that. Telling her. 'I care about her, a lot more than I'm supposed to'. I thought telling her would be difficult. I struggled so much, to find the words to say, and then to not say them. I spent so many nights like this, sitting on night watch, going over and over it in my head, going over and over her reaction to me. And I imagined so many reactions, but the only one that felt real to me is the one where she turned, and walked away.
Well, at least she didn't do that. I'm not even quite sure what her reaction was. She said so little, and I keep going back, over and over, what her eyes were saying, trying to dig beneath the surface of Sam Carter, and failing miserably. Still, she didn't walk away.
In fact right now, she's walking towards me. Smiling, confident, gentle, happily. She's never shied away from me since, never sought to avoid me, never blamed me for Martouf's death.
She's never come closer either, never talked about what I said, or talked about how she felt. But that's ok. She's here, and that's all I need.
"Teal'c says everything's ok, sir." She tells me, settling down again, not two feet away. She always sleeps near me. Does she arrange that, or do I? Either way, she's always close enough that I can reach out and touch her, wipe the bugs from crawling up her arm, the leaves that float over, the hair lying on her cheek.
"Good. Do you think Rothmans's ok?"
"Ok?"
"He seemed sluggish when I woke him up earlier."
"He's not a people person, sir. And he's not used to waking up instantly. Remember what Daniel used to be like."
"So we can look forward to a few years of Rothman getting captured every five minutes, arguing with anybody with a gun, and having a girl on every planet?"
She laughed, and said goodnight, and slept.
And I sat here, on night watch, doing nothing but watch over the people in my care, and think and dream about the woman that lies two feet and a lifetime away from me.