Anyanka looked around the tiny apartment as the shower stopped in the background. Buffy stepped out of the bathroom a moment later, finding the demon looking at the pictures on the small table. Anyanka tried to hide the hand brushing her eyes and waved a dismissive hand at the photos.
"Stupid mortal attempt to stop time," Anyanka snapped with brittle superiority. "And the table, Goodwill perhaps?"
"Dumpster rescue actually," Buffy replied dryly.
"It's not how you thought it was going to be, is it Slayer?" Anyanka snapped suddenly. "Plucky girlfriend gets her head together and goes back to being super geek. Maybe she and safe-guy-to have-around get together after she mourns her little girlfriend. Then they're there for Slayer and Dawn the Supersister. Maybe I was supposed to go off with Giles and get all wise so I could be a tweedy magic Anya-Giles Watcher."
"I didn't hide in a tree for months while the world went to hell-" Buffy snapped, then drew a ragged breath and looked up at the dingy ceiling.
"I wasn't hiding-" Anyanka said shrilly, then stopped, head down.
"Sorry," Buffy said after a moment. "I know what it's like to lose the guy you love after-"
The demon sighed and shook her head. "Sorry, just Anya being hurt and stupid again."
Buffy crossed her arms and took a breath.
"If you thought Dawn and I caused Xander's death, why didn't you, you know-"
"Dip you both in pureed carrots and feed you to giant bunnies?" Anyanka said forcefully. "I was ready to, but when I saw you get the news from his uncle Rory, saw you just curl up and want to die, I felt, I-something came up."
"Yeah," Buffy said without conviction.
"You don't understand," Anyanka almost yowled. "In hundreds of years I knew what I was doing. Justice. Vengeance. Then I screw up and get stuck here. There's a guy and then something from a thousand years ago says He's nice and different'. Only it goes kablooey in my face."
"So you go back to vengeance," Buffy said with a bite.
"Wanted to, tried to, but one friend dies and Willow goes dark and more vengeful than I could. The world is in danger and for some reason I still care." Anya went on quietly sitting on the edge of the bed. "I don't want it to be the only thing I was good at."
"You were becoming good at magic," Buffy protested encouragingly.
"I don't know how," Anya admitted tiredly. "But Giles is there and there's something new to do. Then Willow fools us all and kills herself. And I'm sorry she's dead, I mean I even tried getting her back for him. Giles is angry cause I tried and blew it and all my new power. Giles and I fight and I leave. Xander's so busy helping you, then he's dead and it all hurts so much."
Buffy took Anyanka's hand and held it. The demon closed her hand around Buffy's and seemed to take comfort in the small warm hand. Slowly, Anyanka raised her head.
"D'Hoffryn and Halfrek were so touched by my pain," Anyanka snarled. "They went on about the moral superiority of demons. They didn't mention the superior craftiness. And I was the one who insisted on inviting them to the wedding."
"The guy-thing at the wedding?" Buffy said angrily. "That was them? What gave them the right-"
"D'Hoffryn did it," the demon said coldly. "I was hurting so badly I never thought about how Stewart Burns managed to get to Xander so perfectly. Then, after it's all too late and he's dead, some meek little ghost tells me the truth about the car wreck and I wonder. I look back, with a nicely cast spell, and I find out."
"Why?" Buffy asked sadly.
"Because Halfrek was getting political and going to make a bid for power," Anyanka explained tightly. "I was a distraction for Halfrek so she could make a move to prove to the others she should be top Vengeance demon. When Xander-" the blonde woman took a breath and started again. "Halfrek was the one that suggested I needed some time to myself after I heard about the-"
Buffy just held Anyanka's hand and let the crying slow.
"It was Halfrek who gave me my amulet back and came up with the stupid tree nymph meditation spell," Anyanka snarled. "And stupid me, I trusted her. Like those bimbos ever meditate. It was I'll come check on you' and take your time'. Then I'm stuck and I spend a month listening to sap running as I think of everything I'm going to do to Halfrek. Then I start listening to myself and thinking and thinking for months."
"Halfrek didn't come for you?" Buffy asked. "I wish I would have known-"
Anyanka quickly looked down at her amulet as Buffy's eyes grew wide when she realized what she had said. After a moment, the demon stood up and walked around the tiny room. Finally she sat down scowling.
"Now I can't get anything on this," Anyanka said dejectedly. "The magic pirates must be cutting us off from wherever D'Hoffryn or Halfrek now have the primary focus. Hey-this isn't my amulet! Look at this!"
"The really tiny squiggles?" Buffy asked in what she hoped was a helpful tone.
"They say basic power," Anyanka snapped tiredly. "Newbies get basic power'. Screwed again."
Buffy winced at those words; Anyanka looked uncomfortable as she realized what she had said.
"It worked," Buffy pointed out. "I mean the power may not be big mojo but it survived the whole slamming into the magic wall thing."
"You're alive," Buffy went on, "and that's the most important thing."
"Yeah," Anyanka wearily explained. "I mean newbies get these so they won't break them or start a disruptive flux going, things like that."
"D'Hoffryn and Halfrek, they didn't kill him, did they?" Buffy asked softly after a breath.
"No, the magic pirates did," Anyanka said just as softly, "I'm sure of it."
"Anya, you said you tried to get," Buffy faltered for a moment, "to get Willow back. What happened?"
"Something was very angry about her bringing you back, I think," Anyanka said with a shiver. "Something powerful enough to slap me back like I was a fly and take my power. Something kind of connected to the Hellmouth."
"Oh God, no!" Buffy said in horror.
The small blonde got up and started to pace in the tiny room. Suddenly, she turned to the despondent demon.
"An, you can go back in time-" Buffy started with a forced brightness.
"Not that far," Anyanka said sadly. "I can go sideways but even that's limited by these new walls. Wait a second, what about Giles? He helped save the world, the Watchers must owe him."
"The Council said well done publicly, then Travers sends me a private little message," Buffy said with barely controlled rage. "Gist of it was dear not the Slayer anymore, touch or call anything of ours, especially Mr. Giles or Mr. Windham-Pryce, and someone'll end up in a magic dungeon and we'll send you a couple of bits of them to prove it'. It was pretty, er, impressive, the way it burst into flame after I read it."
There was a moment of silent pacing then Buffy turned to Anyanka.
"Alright, we know what we can't do," Buffy said with some confidence and anger showing in her voice. "Can you find out anything about this Grey woman? Without one of her wards going off and turning you into a Vengeance Demon statue or something."
"I think so," Anyanka said with a nasty grin forming "especially since she can't stop my spy."
"Let's get to work."
Buffy arrives at the Juvenile Center just a little early. I feel Buffy; the two of them close together feels almost good. I follow the feeling and pop in just in front of her. She starts very slightly and smiles. Buffy whispers something and I bend forward, careful not to graze her.
"Go home to Anya," Buffy says quietly, her lips barely moving.
I start to follow her command but I stop. I've wanted to tell her something for a while, and something is telling me not to lose this chance.
"Buffy," I start, "Dawn didn't deserve this. She's growing up and trying so hard to stay good in here. It's h-hard Buffy but she's doing it."
"I know, and thanks," she says with a sad but proud smile.
I go with a slight unease. I've always been with the two of them on Visiting Day before, and while I tell myself I can come back, it still feels wrong. Then I'm at Buffy's and Anyanka is waiting. Her plan is simple. I move through time while she follows me, I don't know how. I just need to pick the perfect spot to bring her in without hitting a ward. I nod and go there. Once I've been somewhere I can get back, in the linear or near linear time.
It takes me a few seconds to pick the perfect spot, and then it's out and back again. Anya follows me in and smiles in a nasty way. I want to do the same, but part of me still says I have to be a good girl. But a tiny, growing part says I should tear Miss Grey apart since she's a threat to my family. That tiny part scares me.
Anyanka reaches into a space of nothing and pulls out the laptop computer I saw Miss Grey use, but I don't know what kind.
"Do you remember much about computers, Tara," Anyanka asks, tearing me out of my woolgathering.
"Not much," I apologize, "I'm kinda out of practice."
"Right, right," Anyanka says as she starts to move her hands about the space around the chair in the circle. "What did you see? Any hint about the operating system?"
"Um, there was a spreadsheet and a, ah, presentation looking graph with some pictures of Willow and Dawn," I slow to a stop as I wish I had listened more to Willow and Anya.
"Hmm, no connection or ward. Let's see what we have here," Anyanka opens it up carefully and turns it on. She goes to hand it to me to hold but stops herself just in time with a muttered "Sorry," and puts it on the chair as I shrug helplessly. In a moment, a logo I don't recognize comes into view and a login box appears. Anyanka scowls and types something on the keyboard. The thing Willow called a desktop appears.
"Password is not a password," Anyanka mutters disapprovingly.
She touches the touchpad and the arrow dances around the screen. Finally she types a few things in and smiles like a pirate. Then she gets out one of those electronic data pads and chants something about transfer of knowledge and lore. I watch over her shoulder as the little pad and laptop start flashing pictures and numbers at a dizzying speed. Anya is absorbed in the download.
"Um, Anya, shouldn't lore be transferred into, you know, a book?" I ask after a second.
"Too much volume for text these days," she says in a lecturing tone. "The old lore books would burst into flame with this much data download. You've got to stop living in the past."
"I've got the stop living part down," I say as sweetly as I can.
Anyanka turns to me quickly, and then stops when she sees I'm smiling.
"You're teasing me," Anyanka snaps.
"Sorry," I say with a small smile.
"You are not sorry, ghost," Anyanka says with a pout. Then she looks at the machines for a moment. "I missed you," she half whispers.
I don't know what to say. I just wish I could hug her. She barely glances up at me and gives me a forced frown.
"You hug me and pop and I'll have to bring you back," Anyanka snaps raggedly. "I'll be cross."
Just then the pad beeps. Anyanka first takes the data pad and puts it in her pocket, then her fingers dance on the keyboard and touchpad
"That should cover our tracks," she says as she puts the laptop into the nothing it came out of. "What?" she asks mostly to herself as she removes a box made of small bones. She recognizes it. So do I, but I still fear the thing. "No wards," she says incredulously. She grabs it and holds it almost reverently.
I'm about to protest when she opens the box and we see a golden bone about the size of a small ruler. It looks real. All of a sudden the terrifying clouds are in every frame in the room. Fear washes over me like a wave. Anyanka very carefully closes the box and puts it back in the void. The clouds disappear. She turns to me, her face pale and her eyes huge and terrified.
"Guide us out of here," she says with false calm barely this side of hysteria. "Get us out getusoutgetusout get-us-out!"
I start to head for Buffy's apartment, but something stops me. I know suddenly I shouldn't lead anything back to my family. In a moment of indecision I feel everything reel. Instead I head to the Espresso Pump. It was one of our first places, Willow's and mine. I feel the same knot I get when Buffy passes it at night. Strong emotions. I can find it. Anyanka staggers a bit as we pop into the coffee shop. She quickly fakes a cough and touches her amulet, becoming Anya again.
"Tara," she whispers, "what are we doing here?"
"Not leading a trail back to Buffy," I say quickly.
"Good plan," Anya said in an angry whisper. "Let's have the forces of darkness show up in a coffee shop with lots of civilians. What are we supposed to do, beat them with biscotti and drown them in mochas?"
Anya shuts up for a second and glares at me. I shut my eyes, then open them because Willow is there, holding a mocha, and bringing me one of those obscenely rich banana with chocolate chip muffins I love. Suddenly, I hate the thought of coffee.
"Are we being followed?" I croak out.
"No," Anya states after a moment with her eyes closed. Across from us a man is looking at us in that don't-make-eye-contact' way people use around scary people. With everything else going on it gives me pause for a second and then I smile ruefully.
"Don't answer me," I tell Anya quickly. "I don't think anyone else can see me so you're talking to yourself."
My smile fades instantly as I think maybe everyone else is right and I don't exist. All my hope drains out of my soul as I wonder what good I ever thought an insubstantial witch could do for anyone.
"Let's walk," I say quickly and step out onto the sidewalk. Anya follows me as I look down an alley then head down it. We stop in the shadows.
"Anybody following us?" I ask.
She shakes her head no after a moment.
"That box," Anya says carefully as she looks around the alley, "I've seen it before."
"When you were with Giles," I say with a nod. "You were training that day. He never trained you about binding to the earth. It snapped open and closed when you tried to bring back-"
"It did?" Anya asks in a shocked tone. "The power kind of felt like what I remember imy/i power feeling like, only more powerful."
She turns to me with a relieved smile, "I didn't screw up!" She crows. "That bitch stole- Tara?"
I'm trying to concentrate, but I can't help but see Willow. Willow as the darkness swallowed her, Willow threatening our family, broken afterwards in Xander's arms and I try to refuse to see her dead, then being taken away from me.
"The day Willow-" Anya looks at me with concern then
"You put a protective spell on me?" She asks, surprised. "You were there."
"Of course," I say, hurt showing in my voice at her question.
"I should have known you'd stick near me," Anya says with a rueful tone. "Anyone who would have worn that bridesmaid dress for me-" She paused, shaking her head.
"It was better than tangerine taffeta," I answer, trying to sound brave.
"Tangerine taffeta?" Anya gapes. "You're kidding! Who?"
"It was in one of your bridal magazines," I answer shakily. "The season's boldest color' the article said."
"Insanity is often confused with boldness," Anya smirks, "and tangerine taffeta is insane. What's binding to the earth?"
"Oh," I shrug embarrassedly, "it's just something weak magic users have to do to keep them from being h-hurt by the spells they use. My mother made me learn it until I do, um, did it automatically."
"Never heard of it," She answers. "I mean never as in centuries. How does it work?"
"You take a small bit of your power," I explain, "push it into the earth or something touching the earth, and bind that point to you as you work magic. You and Willow were so strong you probably didn't need it."
"Well I'm not strong now," Anya says flatly. "Let's see if this works."
Across the way, a garbage can catches her attention. She touches her amulet and a heartbeat later the container lifts smoothly into the air. It settles down just as easily, and that impresses me because I know down's the hard part.
"Wow," Anya softly exclaims. "That was so much easier. Your mother taught you this binding to the earth?"
I just point towards a man standing in the entrance to the alley who's looking our way with a look of concern. Anya stifles a grin and tries to look like she has serious business in an alley. The man shakes his head and scuttles off.
"Let's get back to Buffy's before I get carted off to a rubber room," Anya says quickly.
We head to Buffy's apartment as the afternoon wears on. Anya uses a key on the cheap lock and us in. The room has candles on the table and circle of salt on the tiny kitchen floor.
"I learned a few things from Giles," She answers cryptically,
Anya takes out the PDA and starts to work on the data as she glances occasionally at the battered clock radio (Buffy hates getting up) by the bed. The shrill ring of the phone makes me jump.
"That's Buffy," Anya says smugly. "Follow me."
I can feel her go away and start after her, confused and concerned.
We're back at the table again only this time there's a thin form wearing the sturdy neon orange jumpsuit of the high-risk offenders. My maybe heart skips a beat as I hear my name called out with joy. Dawn rushes past Buffy and holds out her arms to hug me. I forget in my happiness and do the same.
"Tara?" Dawn calls out with fright and despair warring in her voice a heartbeat later. "Oh God, it's just another dream. I'm going crazy in here."
Then Buffy is making soothing noises as she takes Dawn in her arms and shelters her. After a moment Dawn calms down.
"This is real, isn't it?" the teen finally asks hopefully.
I start to explain but stop when I see Buffy looking for me. Tara the witchy soap bubble. I forgot and I've frightened Dawn.
"Yes," Buffy explains gently but firmly. "Tara is here but we can't touch her or she pops out of where we can see her."
"Who thought up that stupid rule?" Dawn asks truculently. She glares at Anya.
"Don't look at me that way," Anya warns as she touches her amulet and seems to strain. "I'm holding you two here and keeping Tara in focus with an amulet that's no fun to wear at all."
"Dawn?" I whisper hopefully.
"Tara!" Dawn squeaks with wide smile, then her smile falls and she forces it back, only her clenched fists showing how hard it is to hold herself back.
"Are you alright?" we both ask at the same moment.
"Are you an angel?" Dawn asks quickly.
"No, she's cursed," Anya explains helpfully.
Dawn glares at her and tenses her body. Buffy touches her arm and Dawn takes a deep breath then sits down. Dr Humphries would be proud.
"We don't know what she is, Dawn," her sister interjects.
"A geas!" Dawn says brightly, almost dancing in her seat. "All we have to do is find out what Tara needs to do and-"
"And she fades away." Anya points out. "That's not going to happen here. I think it's a curse. That's why you feel the need to follow us obsessively and, well, the trying to help is just you being you."
"You've been with us all this time?" Dawn asked incredulously. I just nod.
"We couldn't see or hear her, Dawn" Buffy explains gently. "And Tara can't touch anything here."
Dawn's not taking this easily and is trying to come up with some answer she can accept. Buffy squares her slim shoulders and takes on the stance that always makes me feel better. My protector of old is back.
"Dawn, as much as I know Tara means to you, I didn't have Anya give herself a magical hernia for a reunion," Buffy says gently ribbing her sister. Dawn rolls her eyes. "You're in danger, and, well, you're grown up enough to hear the whole truth."
"A Juvenile Center vampire?" Dawn quips with false bravado.
"Someone wants to use the Key to drain all the magic out of the Hellmouth," Buffy says dryly.
"Oh," Dawn says suddenly attentive and nervous. "Who?"
"We don't know," I try to explain, "They're very powerful and ruthless-"
"They make power focuses out of the bones of their enemies children," Anya interrupted. Dawn's eyes widened.
"They're the ones who attacked Xander and maybe Spike," I explain as Buffy frowns at those words. "And they've been testing Buffy for a-awhile, with vampires and demons and stuff."
"But you're alone-Xander and Spike! Buffy y-you've got to get out of here, get somewhere safe-" Dawn starts to babble, her fear for Buffy almost palpable.
Buffy wraps her arms around her sister and pulls her close. Anya looks at them with all too human sadness, then at me-
Something unknown is closing near the young one, and her frightened scent fills me. White-hot rage burns away the fatigue poisons in my blood as my sisters and I race across the cold ground-
"Um, guys?" Dawn's voice breaks the image, "you were all growling." Dawn looks puzzled. "But it wasn't scary, really".
"Wait a minute," Dawn looks up at Anya. "They killed Xander? He didn't-"
"You didn't hurt him," Anya says with sad certainty.
Dawn almost sags with relief, then looks up at me and I dread the next question she's going to ask. But she's been growing up. She looks at me with too much sadness and composes herself.
"I know that answer, Tara," she says quietly. "It's yes, at least partly."
"You weren't guilty of anything," I start.
"Bad judgment," Dawn snaps. "Stupid choice of friends-" She chokes the rest of the words back with a tear.
"It was my stupid letter that-" and then I'm fighting tears of my own.
"Tara," Buffy starts softly, "it wasn't your letter. It was the letter from your scholarship committee. They approved your request about your dorm fees going to me. She knew you were coming home for real."
It's too much and I lose it. She knew how much I wanted to be with her. I hear a chair move and Dawn is standing next to me.
"Dawn, what are you doing?" Anya asks peevishly.
"Leave her alone!" Dawn barks through her swallowed tears. "Tara, when you're ready, come back to us. We'll wait."
I look at her and realize that as frightened as it makes her Dawn has touched me and seen me disappear. She can't give any comfort but the privacy to grieve. There's a note of command in her voice. She turns and slowly moves back to her chair.
I look at Dawn, compassionate and trying to be brave in an oversized jumpsuit she doesn't deserve. Anya looks sad and drawn. She's working magic with an amulet that seems to be draining her for us, for me. Buffy looks at Dawn with a measuring look, seeing a woman, young and scared but a woman sitting where her little sister was and wondering how long she's been there, and what other things she's missed.
Not one of us born together, but they are my family, heart and soul. I'm apart from them, but I'm not alone anymore. And they need me.
"Willow, I love you, I love you but you're gone," I say to emptiness I've been carrying with me since I've seen her die. "They need me. I can't cry over what's been or might have been anymore. I've got to go on. I love you, all of you. Goodbye and Goddess keep you."
"Return," I say with shaky determination.
Dawn looks at me, worried.
"I'm finished with tears," I say with a bravado I know won't fool them.
Buffy looks at me with a welcoming smile.
"Let's finish this."
Chapter Seven
"Well that's just sloppy," Anya says as she looks at her computer. "Of course, what do you expect from someone who uses password for- hey, she didn't do that."
"What?" Buffy asks with a touch of exasperation. "Anya, we can't see."
Anya touches the screen and mutters something and then each of us has a cute flat screen monitor in front of us. Buffy scowls at her screen while Dawn and I can just keep up with Anya's electronic pilfered goods. They read like a glowing report. One with the writer doing everything perfectly after predecessors let some ignorant savages destroy the mayor. She had Adam made, had the Key distilled into human form, defeated Glory in a test of the Key's efficiency, and convinced us to bring back the Slayer to complete the mission requirements.
"This footnote here," Dawn said pointing at her monitor, "it says she killed Clem. "Why? He was just kinda nice guy in a demony sort of way."
"He helped me really accidentally one night after William..." Buffy scowls at the memory. "He bought me a second or two."
"And got really beat up," I add at the memory.
"I thought he got smart and left town," Buffy says sadly.
My family is tearing the rest of Miss Grey's report to tiny verbal shreds when I see a picture of Willow and I. I frown but keep looking until I see a phrase:
"Unfortunately the Unclassed Witch/Empath could not be preserved. Her death was needed as the trigger for the HTA."
"That explains her power!" I gasp. "When I, um, died the emotions must have boosted her power. Damn it why didn't I-"
"That's not her," Buffy says levelly, "that's you, Tara."
"N-no," I say quickly. "I can't be an Empath."
"She's right, Tara," Anya nods. "Willow is Hellmouth Triggering Agent' or HTA. You'd be the oldest witch/empath I've heard about."
"How could she trigger the Hellmouth?" Dawn asks.
"Because she and every child born in this town with any magic were already touched by the Hellmouth and in tune with its power," Buffy reads coldly. "The ones with the most latent power and most socially inept' Grey's predecessors had tied directly to the Hellmouth when they came to Sunnydale High for the last seven years. Here's Willow, Amy and Jonathan, a couple of others. They're called secondary triggers' for back up in case Mayor Wilkins didn't ascend properly and destabilize the Hellmouth."
"How can a witch destabilize some thing as old and large as the Hellmouth?" I ask out loud.
"By being the most powerful mage in Sunnydale history," Anya says in shocked tone. "According to Miss Grey if the Hellmouth loop hadn't been draining her Willow could have broken any spell we used on her. She calls her almost human.'"
I only think of Willow, pain and loss blinding her as she touches darkness itself while I watch helplessly, for a second or maybe a year.
"What's this here?" Dawn asks, now looking over Anya's shoulder.
Suddenly a collection of graphs and arcane equations shows up on the monitors. They spring into motion and the waves on the graphs build and turn red.
"These are my graphs," Anya says in a tone of angry wonder. "There's more data now but these are my graphs."
"What do your graphs say?" Buffy asks pointedly.
"The Hellmouth is building up to a peak in just over one hundred hours that will tear reality just enough to let a focus drain it and every dimension it touches of every bit of magic," Anyanka says in a shocked tone. "With all the things that have happened in Sunnydale the Hellmouth has been growing. It's huge. It touches over a hundred worlds."
There's a new picture in the report. We stare at it for a second. Somehow the photo catches the malignant red and gold sheen on the darkness of an irregular pool of onyx.
"It's," Buffy gropes for a heartbeat, "changed."
"She said it would drain thirty eight worlds," I say quietly after a moment.
"I don't think someone who makes magic thingies out of kids' bones can be trusted," Buffy says tightly. "Besides it says thirty eight Class Three or better' worlds. Gucci™ world isn't equal to K Mart™ dimension. Just the best for these Arcadians'."
Anya trembles for a moment: Buffy and Dawn look up quickly as she tries to recover. The sisters look to each other as I watch silently.
"How much time do we have until magic meltdown?" Buffy asks calmly.
"A bit over a hundred hours." Anya answers.
"Research is over for now, An," Buffy says softly. "You're too important to burn out."
"I'm fine," She says, stifling a yawn.
"This is a new fine, right?" Buffy asks sweetly.
"One where the mage gal falls over and the room collapses and Dawn gets to explain why we're here and not in Jack,'" Dawn adds pointedly.
"All right, we'll stop if you'll take Tara as scout tonight," Anya insists. "I'm not facing some super witch without a Slayer backup. You get carved up and we all get dead."
"I can keep watch over Dawn through the night, help Buffy and still keep watch over Anya," I explain. "I used to watch five of you."
"But you can't go past your death?" Anya asks in a puzzled tone. "That's not how it should work."
"As long as it works," Buffy says quickly. "Let's get going. Tara, lead the way."
I take them first to Buffy's apartment. Anya sits down on the bed and gathers her wits. Dawn looks around the tiny space. She opens the window and takes a deep breath of the cool night air as greedily as she once drank huge milkshakes. She reluctantly closes the window when Anya huddles in Buffy's one blanket.
"You have your own bathroom, right?" Dawn asks almost quivering. "With your own shower and everything?"
"That door there," Buffy says with a tired smile, "but it's small."
"How long do we have before you have to get her back?" Buffy asks Anya wistfully.
"A quick shower can be made to fit in.," she says softly.
Dawn makes a happy noise and darts into the washroom. Water begins to run.
"Make it fast, the water heater's tiny," Buffy calls through the door. Then the Slayer turns to me.
"You can go anywhere with her," Buffy starts.
"Buffy, I would never-" I start to explain with a rush.
"I know Tara," Buffy says and I know she trusts me with herself and Dawn. The moment is almost too bright when Anya pipes up.
"I can see the blurb on the video," the reluctant demon drawls with a gutter-sounding giggle. "Lesbian ghost witch in the girls reformatory. See the young things go running past her as she covers her eyes and blushes."
"Anya!" I squeak (I admit it). "I don't blush."
"Good imitation though," Buffy quips as I gasp for words.
I'm not prudish; I'm just trying to be good. I think of all the times I've looked away or tried not to listen to the constant usage of the F-word. The two of them laugh for a moment and I feel myself start to laugh with them at the contortions I've gone through to give Dawn (and the other girls) privacy from someone she never knew existed. I feel the laughter in the room for a moment as we just enjoy each other's company.
Dawn steps out after a "short shower" drains Buffy's water heater. Buffy and Dawn fuss over Dawn's hair while Anya and I critique hairstyles. For a little while, I almost feel alive. Then Anya stands up and touches her amulet reluctantly. Time to go. Buffy runs her hand through Dawn's long hair sadly. Dawn suddenly hugs Buffy and then Anya. She looks into Anya's eyes and says "Thanks, for everything."
Anya hugs her back and gruffly tells me to lead the way. Dawn squares her shoulders like Buffy and steps behind me back in an instant into the girls' rest room. The clock starts to move. Dawn seems to deflate and gives me a sad little smile. On top of everything else Tuesday is macaroni night and it's not one of her favorites.
"We better get going," she says as she hears the dinner bell ring and the girls start to line up.
It takes just a little while for Dawn to finish. I only tell her to slow down once.
She smiles a little. One of the girls at the table is about to ask a question about that smile with a snort when Dawn looks at her with a cold stare. Her reputation holds the questioner in check. After dinner it's homework in the very supervised study area. Instead of television she works out in her cubicle. She doesn't vary her routine. Only when the cubicle door is secured for the night does she talk to me in a whisper.
"What are you, Tara?" Dawn asks in a whisper. "How did this happen?"
"I don't know, Dawn." I answer wearily. "I made some promises I didn't keep. I didn't do some things that I should have, and did what I knew was wrong."
"Warren shot you," Dawn says carefully. "It's not your fault you weren't there for me. I know that. That's what you really care about."
"Yes," I say trying not to cry.
"I made a little place for you in my heart," Dawn admits. "I never really thought you'd be looking out for me."
"All I could do is watch and feel h-helpless," I admit in my own whisper.
"Did you watch us all?" Dawn wonders. "Even Willow?"
"Yes, even her," I answer steadier than I hoped.
"She was hurting when she did those things," Dawn says calmly. I can feel her remembered fear again. "It wasn't her fault. They tied her magic to the Hellmouth. No one could have helped her."
"I should've..." I drop the thought. Should have catches no fish, my mother said. Right now Dawn doesn't need a recitation of my shortcomings. She'd argue them away anyway.
"I know that now," I say quietly. I realize Dawn now knows it too. I'm not the only one with should'ves.
She's quiet for a while, stretching her body and her mind, trying to make things fit.
"How did you find the time?" Dawn asks.
"Time found me, Dawn," I say as she moves to stretch a different muscle group.
"And you think it's running out," Dawn whispers flatly after a pause.
"Yes," I can't lie to her.
For a moment the cubicle is quiet except for the young woman stretching. A sudden yawn catches her off guard.
"Tara, if Buffy has to make a decision this time about the Key..." Dawn's voice trails off.
"I'll be there for her as much as I can," I promise.
"Don't look so sad, Tara" Dawn whispers. "Buffy will come through."
This time the yawn was huge and she blinked slightly.
"Too much excitement today," I observe.
She shrugs, smiles and crawls into bed. I close my eyes until she's under the covers. For a second she looked at me, puzzled.
"Don't you sleep?" She whispered lazily. I just shake my head.
"I know there won't be rounds or funny shapes in the morning," Dawn whispers sadly. "Could you sing for me?"
She's already half asleep when I start an old song my mother sang for me. The lights go out. I don't breath, I think, but the music requires it. Then I just stop worrying and start.
Sleep, my child, and peace attend thee
All through the night
Guardian angels God will send thee
All through the night
Soft the drowsy hours are creeping
Hill and dale in slumber steeping
I my loving vigil keeping
All through the night.
While the moon her watch is keeping
All through the night
While the weary world is sleeping
All through the night
O'er thy spirit gently stealing
Visions of delight revealing
Breathes a pure and holy feeling
All through the night.
Dawn is asleep and peacefully so. She looks younger this way. She stirs and the last verses come to mind. I close my eyes and see the most beautiful green eyes in the world. I sing to them and remember her warmth as Willow slept beside me that last night.
Love; to thee my thoughts are turning
All through the night
All for thee my heart is yearning,
All through the night.
Though sad fate our lives may sever
Parting will not last forever,
There's a hope that leaves me never,
All through the night.
Dawn sleeps through the night for the first time since I died.