Disclaimers: I don't own Slayers, sadly. If I did, Xellos would have gotten maced at least once. (Just kidding. I like Xellos.) Don't bother suing me, unless you want some used textbooks that I would be altogether too happy to part with.

Motivation for Writing and Other Such Nonsense: This is basically one big parody on scientific research, science that is simply so far out there that nobody can understand it, and these annoying chemistry seminars that I have to attend every week for the next two years. (The perks of being a chemistry major. Yes, that was sarcasm.) Half of it was inspired by something that was gone over in class about every particle having an anti-particle and other such things that modern physicists love and simply confuses the life out of the rest of us, and my mind (with some help from Seigi no Hoshi) twisted it into something warped, the results of which take up the remainder of the page. Anyway, the seminars consist of people much smarter than me presenting research that probably took years to complete, is way over my head, and really couldn't interest me in the least even if I could understand it. And that which I cannot understand, I make fun of, naturally.

If you enjoy this story, review! Please? I like everything but author abuse!

Rated PG because of Filia's repeated references to killing Xellos and mass mazoku exterminations.


Filia Ul Copt's Warped Mazoku Anatomy and Physiology, otherwise known as:

Namagomi Science
By Viviane Latour

(In other words, Filia's scientific study that will eventually factor into the Dragon race's ultimate plan to wipe all mazoku out of existence, thus shifting the balance of power irreversibly, incurring the Lord of Nightmare's wrath and bumping up the date of the apocalypse by a few thousand years or so. But they don't know that, and we're not going to tell them.)

Filia looked around at the crowd filling the Seyruun town square for her little talk on mazoku. Wait a minute... why was Filia giving a speech on mazoku, of all things, in the middle of the white magic and Justice capital Seyruun, of all places? Well, it just so happened that her speech had a peculiar slant -- peculiar to the Mazoku race, maybe, not many other beings would find it too terribly strange -- in the direction of the eventual elimination of the Mazoku race, and thus, a large part of the world's problems, not to mention Lina's guilt-free Dragon Slave targets. Oh well, the bandits would still be around for a little while longer, at least until either they smartened up some or Lina got to them, whichever came first. Filia wasn't betting on the bandits.

Straightening out her various charts and diagrams, Filia took a look at her current crowd. Among the occupants of the front row, there were Phil, Amelia, and one flustered Zelgadis, whose cape was firmly caught in Amelia's hand and his eyes firmly caught in Phil's glare -- apparently, his allergy to crowded places was not an excuse for escape this afternoon. Lina, Gourry, and two oversized buckets of fried chicken were somewhere in the upper rows. The remainder of the make-shift amphitheater was filled with Seyruunian locals. The sun was high, the crowd was sleepy, Amelia and Phil were attentive, Zelgadis was cranky, and Lina and Gourry were restless: yes, it was time to begin.

"Good afternoon, ladies, gentlemen, royalty, and gloomy chimeras, I am Filia Ul Copt and I would like to share with you this afternoon my discoveries on the biology of the common mazoku. As you well know, mazoku come in many forms, some look like," she pointed her mace at a picture of Xellos making an extremely stupid-looking face, "humanoid idiots," she redirected her mace to a picture of Anne the doll, "ordinary objects," she poked a picture of a fairly ordinary chicken, "barnyard animals," she finally indicated the picture of Shabraningdo, "or something completely indescribable. All mazoku, however, have some important features in common." The crowd nodded its assent as Lina stole Gourry's last piece of fried chicken.

"Hey, Lina! That's mine!" Gourry yelled in dismay.

"Ladies first, Gourry! Ladies first!" Lina laughed.

"Ladies finished their chicken first! Gimme my chicken wing back!"

"AHEM," Filia cleared her throat rather obnoxiously as her tail indicated the pair in the back, "May I continue?"

Lina tore the meat off the bone in one bite as her disgruntled swordsman friend looked on, both of them completely unaware that what they had done violated nearly every rule of etiquette ever recorded. "Yeah, sure Filia."

Gourry nodded.

"Continuing," Lina and Gourry took this opportunity to slip out in pursuit of soft-serve ice cream, "those namagomi mazoku are all alike in several ways, least of all being evil. All mazoku live on both the physical plane and the astral plane, whenever they care to irritate us just, righteous people." Phil and Amelia beamed. "Otherwise they just keep to the astral plane and out of our hair, which they should consider doing far more often, especially that Xellos." If Zelgadis hadn't been staring thoughtfully into his coffee mug at the moment, he would have taken the opportunity to make a face of disgust and utter Xellos's name in as hateful a way as he found possible. But, his attention was focused on the bottom of his empty coffee cup in total boredom, so he didn't. Besides, with both Amelia and Phil sitting next to him, he was likely to get the dual justice speech of a lifetime about proper audience etiquette -- as if staring at a coffee cup like he happened to be was polite. Oh well, at least it was quiet, unlike that meeting of Overeaters Anonymous that was held a little while earlier in the top row.

"It is uncommon knowledge, however, that mazoku must keep a certain balance of energies in order to continue to exist, and it is our duty as the good people of the world to use these facts to our advantage." Phil mumbled something about justice in his sleep, and Amelia had now resorted to crossing her eyes periodically to stay awake. Zelgadis was still focused on his cup, as if sleeping with his eyes open, as ridiculous as that may sound.

"The energies that they depend most on are anti-positive energies and negative energies, such as those," she eyed the unaware chimera in the front row, "exuded by Zelgadis on a regular basis." The man in question remained fixated on the white mug, but a local shyly raised his hand to ask a question.

"Um, Miss Filia, ma'am, but aren't anti-positive and negative energies the same thing?"

"NO! They are most certainly different!" Filia displayed all of the classic signs of irritation, hair-on-end, tail swishing like a metronome, et cetera.

Another local piped up. "Like... how?"

"Like... uh... umm... They just are! No more questions! Continuing again," Lina and Gourry slipped back in, "the average mazoku makes anti-positive energy in excess, however, it also makes anti-negative energy, which annihilates negative energy, which forces them to feed off us. Our positive energy cancels their anti-positive energy, which makes them feel weak, and in extreme cases, die, like I hope Xellos would. Of course, if they do not meet their required intake of negative energy, the anti-negative energy takes over and the mazoku essentially dies of starvation."

"Hey, Lina!" Gourry whispered excitedly, "I think I get it!"

"We've only been here twenty seconds, Gourry! Think another twenty seconds, and I bet you won't understand it when you're done."

Gourry spent twenty seconds thinking about it, then piped up again. "Nope. Don't get it."

"Told ya."

"Do you get it, Lina?"

Lina leaned back in her seat, embarrassed but trying rather obviously to hide it. "It doesn't concern me, so I don't bother with it, Marble Mind! Why you don't try the same, I have no idea."

"You don't, do you?"

"Shut up, Gourry."

"...So, basically, positive energy is poison and negative energy is food to a mazoku, but even if a mazoku is surrounded by both positive and negative energy, the two will not cancel each other out, but instead simultaneously feed and poison a mazoku, and then the mazoku will die what seems to be a sudden death, but was really quite gradual and expected." Amelia was vainly attempting to make shadow puppets while Zelgadis continued to stare at his mug. "Because, after all, only the corresponding anti-energies can cancel the energies, rather than other energies canceling each other." Lina's stomach rumbled; Gourry scratched his head. A random local snored loudly. Another sneezed. "So, in conclusion, be happy all of the time and you will kill a mazoku no matter what, and so help to further the Dragons' cause of eliminating all mazoku from the world. And that concludes..." the entire crowd, with the exception of one, disappeared in a flash, "... my lecture."

The figure started clapping.

"Xellos, don't say a word."