Charity was in front of her and Alison behind. They were chanting in a
circle.
A-na-gha-bee-yah. A-na-gha-bee-yah.
The room was uncomfortably warm.
A-na-gha-bee-yah. A-na-gha-bee-yah.
She felt slightly dizzy from the flickering candles.
A-na-gha-bee-yah. A-na-gha-bee-yah.
Or maybe it was the kool-aid. On an empty stomach. Sugar always did that to her.
A-na-gha-bee-yah. A-na-gha-bee-yah.
She started to think about Ben, and stopped herself. She had to focus.
A-na-gha-bee-yah. A-na-gha-bee-yah.
Focus was one of the things they talked about in their confession sessions.
A-na-gha-bee-yah. A-na-gha-bee-yah.
One couldn't let one's mind be filled with doubts.
A-na-gha-bee-yah. A-na-gha-bee-yah.
The devil feeds on doubts.
A-na-gha-bee-yah. A-na-gha-bee-yah.
She had to struggle with her doubts. Why couldn't she be as good as the others.
A-na-gha-bee-yah. A-na-gha-bee-yah.
She opened her eyes. No one else was distracted the way she was.
A-na-gha-bee-yah. A-na-gha-bee-yah.
Pastor David passed by her, heading towards the front of the room. She closed her eyes guiltily.
A-na-gha-bee-yah. A-na-gha-bee-yah.
She willed herself to focus on that phrase, to block all other ideas out of her head.
A-na-gha-bee-yah. A-na-gha-bee-yah.
Pastor brought the session to a close with a prayer. Make us worthy. We recognize our sinful nature. We recognize our frailty. We recognize our pride.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
She listened to Alison afterwards. The chanting was still new to her.
"It was amazing. It was like time stopped and everything just flowed."
"Then I started to hear this weird humming, and I could see little sparks of light dancing in front of my eyes even though they were closed."
" I felt almost weightless. It was as though the whole world was gone and I was just left there with God."
The others nodded, smiling at her. Mary nodded and smiled too.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Another confession session. Alison was speaking to some people who had just joined about her experiences. Mary stifled a yawn. She could see Charity throw a glance her way. She hoped she hadn't noticed.
"I was out of control. I was a servant to the demons of alcohol and drugs."
Mary wondered when that had happened. In high school Alison had been pretty straight-laced even by Camden standards.
"I broke into buildings and destroyed property."
She was surprised. Alison's father had implied that things hadn't been going well, but she hadn't realized quite how serious it was.
"And all that was by the age of sixteen. Joining the Children of the New Promise took me away from my life of crime."
Mary looked up at Alison, feeling slightly incredulous. Well, technically TPing the gym had involved breaking and entering, and it was a type of destruction of property, but . . Charity was looking at her again. Mary carefully made her expression neutral. She didn't want to be reported.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
She wore a mask. She hid her doubts. She smiled. She nodded. She listened.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"As you become more committed things will become much clearer."
"Of course, it takes real courage to change yourself."
"Some people can't accept they don't know everything."
"We love you because you are transforming yourself."
"I had trouble with that too, but then I realized that I just had get rid of all those doubts and just believe."
"Perhaps you have a problem with trust."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
They were always smiling. And hugging. She'd learned not to resist, though sometimes she had to fight not to take just one step back. Fight that impulse to have some breathing space. Feeling uncomfortable was a sign of doubt. Doubt was a sign of sin. Sin was evil and must be defeated.
I will not doubt. I will not doubt.
I must focus on what is important.
A-na-gha-bee-yah.
A-na-gha-bee-yah. A-na-gha-bee-yah.
The room was uncomfortably warm.
A-na-gha-bee-yah. A-na-gha-bee-yah.
She felt slightly dizzy from the flickering candles.
A-na-gha-bee-yah. A-na-gha-bee-yah.
Or maybe it was the kool-aid. On an empty stomach. Sugar always did that to her.
A-na-gha-bee-yah. A-na-gha-bee-yah.
She started to think about Ben, and stopped herself. She had to focus.
A-na-gha-bee-yah. A-na-gha-bee-yah.
Focus was one of the things they talked about in their confession sessions.
A-na-gha-bee-yah. A-na-gha-bee-yah.
One couldn't let one's mind be filled with doubts.
A-na-gha-bee-yah. A-na-gha-bee-yah.
The devil feeds on doubts.
A-na-gha-bee-yah. A-na-gha-bee-yah.
She had to struggle with her doubts. Why couldn't she be as good as the others.
A-na-gha-bee-yah. A-na-gha-bee-yah.
She opened her eyes. No one else was distracted the way she was.
A-na-gha-bee-yah. A-na-gha-bee-yah.
Pastor David passed by her, heading towards the front of the room. She closed her eyes guiltily.
A-na-gha-bee-yah. A-na-gha-bee-yah.
She willed herself to focus on that phrase, to block all other ideas out of her head.
A-na-gha-bee-yah. A-na-gha-bee-yah.
Pastor brought the session to a close with a prayer. Make us worthy. We recognize our sinful nature. We recognize our frailty. We recognize our pride.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
She listened to Alison afterwards. The chanting was still new to her.
"It was amazing. It was like time stopped and everything just flowed."
"Then I started to hear this weird humming, and I could see little sparks of light dancing in front of my eyes even though they were closed."
" I felt almost weightless. It was as though the whole world was gone and I was just left there with God."
The others nodded, smiling at her. Mary nodded and smiled too.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Another confession session. Alison was speaking to some people who had just joined about her experiences. Mary stifled a yawn. She could see Charity throw a glance her way. She hoped she hadn't noticed.
"I was out of control. I was a servant to the demons of alcohol and drugs."
Mary wondered when that had happened. In high school Alison had been pretty straight-laced even by Camden standards.
"I broke into buildings and destroyed property."
She was surprised. Alison's father had implied that things hadn't been going well, but she hadn't realized quite how serious it was.
"And all that was by the age of sixteen. Joining the Children of the New Promise took me away from my life of crime."
Mary looked up at Alison, feeling slightly incredulous. Well, technically TPing the gym had involved breaking and entering, and it was a type of destruction of property, but . . Charity was looking at her again. Mary carefully made her expression neutral. She didn't want to be reported.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
She wore a mask. She hid her doubts. She smiled. She nodded. She listened.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"As you become more committed things will become much clearer."
"Of course, it takes real courage to change yourself."
"Some people can't accept they don't know everything."
"We love you because you are transforming yourself."
"I had trouble with that too, but then I realized that I just had get rid of all those doubts and just believe."
"Perhaps you have a problem with trust."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
They were always smiling. And hugging. She'd learned not to resist, though sometimes she had to fight not to take just one step back. Fight that impulse to have some breathing space. Feeling uncomfortable was a sign of doubt. Doubt was a sign of sin. Sin was evil and must be defeated.
I will not doubt. I will not doubt.
I must focus on what is important.
A-na-gha-bee-yah.