fragile3.pageI'm in control, completely and totally in control. I'm
enjoying it. I'm enjoying this control more than I've enjoyed anything in
my whole life. It's a rush, and adventure, a hellish and eternal power
trip. It doesn't matter who I'm hitched behind anymore, or how hard she's
fighting me, or how loud she's screaming. I don't care if I'm scaring her.
Let her be scared. I don't care if I kill her, break her into a thousand
shards of shattered metal. I don't care if I love her. None of that
matters. I'm in control.
I only ride her for a few minutes. That's all it takes. There's no one
around, only us. Only Dinah interrupts the complete silence, alternating
between violent struggle and infantile pleas. I hardly hear her, hardly
see her. I'm waiting, waiting for the perfect moment to derail, to end the
ride for both of us. It's something that has to be done just right, or not
at all. I've turned it into an art, an art that only I understand.
The moment comes, a perfect moment like so many others I've experienced.
The moments is a paradox, perfectly embodying my heaven, even while it
lays incased in her hell. We're going fast now, terribly fast, or maybe it
just feels like we are. Speed is a relative force. The terror in her eyes
is the most beautiful site I've ever seen. I wish she could take in from
with in her, and serve on a dish for me to eat so I could feel it grow
inside of me. A jolt moves though us both as her wheels slip of the tracks
slowly, agonizingly slowly. They move of inch by inch, trembling, fighting
to stay attached, as they are ground into the gravel besides the tracks. I
can't think anymore. I am a being made up of pure exhilaration. The world
is blue and white, mixed with a thousand other bright colors, burning and
shining like a million suns.
Then I unhitch, and everything is quiet, and I'm laughing. I don't stop
laughing for the longest time, not until I begin to feel like if I keep
laughing I'll explode. Boom! No more CB. I notice Dinah. She's quiet,
lying on the ground by the tracks. Her eyes are closed, and she doesn't
move. She's so still, battered. It looks wrong. She shouldn't be lying
still like that. She should be awake, watching for her engine, filling my
world with her presence. I don't like her this way.
"Dinah.. wake up." I whisper her name as I kneel down next to her. She
doesn't respond, even when I repeat her name much louder. Of course she
wont deign to speak to me. She's to obsessed with her engine. She still
doesn't see me. She refuses to see me, even when I'm right next to her.
She hates me. I shake her, trying to get her attention. I'm gentle at
first, but she still ignores me. I shake her harder and harder, until I
half way expect her to break in half if I don't stop.
I get up with a sigh, giving up, walking away. She still doesn't look
right, lying as if asleep next to the tracks, alone. I don't want to leave
her there, so I don't. I pick her up, managing to sling her over my
shoulders clumsily. It's strange just how heavy she is, compared to how
small and light she looks. I want to collapse under her weight, to let her
fall to the ground with a clang and a thud. I can't do that to Dinah
though. I have to take care of her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's dark in the shed. I thought that it would be the best place to bring
Dinah. I don't want to be seen with her like this. They'd think I'd done
something to her, that I was keeping her with me against her will. Nobody
would understand.
She looks awful. I can't stand it. I can't stand seeing her limp, and
covered in dents. It's not so bad. It's nothing that can't be fixed.
Still, it's terrible to see her this way. It's terrible knowing I hurt
her. But maybe I didn't. No, I can't believe that I hurt her. I would
never, ever, hurt Dinah, not ever. It must have been Greaseball that did
this to her. I would never hurt Dinah, but Greaseball would. I hate
Greaseball.
She moves. She finally moves, returning color to my life like the spring
after a seemingly endless winter. I lean in closer to her, quickly taking
her head in my lap. I love the feeling of her lying against me, and
knowing I'm truly there for her when she needs me most. She lets out a
tiny, pained whimper before even opening her eyes.
"Shhh, you were in an accident." I run a hand through her soft hair. It
feels so good. I'm so glad she's here, not trying to escape like before.
She finally opens her eyes, a confused look crossing her face, as she
tries to remember what happened and why she was here. I merely smile down
at her, enjoying having her in my possession. I like having a coach all to
myself. "Greaseball did this, but know there's me..."
"No!" She says suddenly, in a voice that seems way to loud for her current
condition. She tries to sit up, to pull away, to escape. I don't want her
to go. I wont let her. "CB, let me go... now!" She struggles for a few
moments before she gives up completely. She curls into herself, closing
her eyes as if trying to block out the world.
"Look at me." I say... more order. She shakes her head, and her eyes stay
closed. I shake her harshly, until she opens her eyes again, carefully
looking right at me. That's much better. I smile down at her, and continue
to stroke her hair. Every once and a while, a few tears escape her eyes. I
wipe them away, and kiss her forehead. She grimaces and tries to move away
when I do this, but I know it's just because she's nervous.
Time passes, lots of time I think, though maybe not. Dinah seems restless,
scared, despite my promises that Greaseball wont be able to find us here.
It would be perfect, if only Dinah weren't so upset, if only it wasn't
nearly painful to look at her, if only it didn't have to end eventually.
Suddenly the door bursts open. I jump up suddenly, accidentally letting
Dinah fall to the floor in my abruptness. I stand defensively over her, as
she manages to sit up. It's Rusty. Only Rusty. I can handle him. He's easy
to deal with.
"Greaseball hurt her and I..." I start to explain in a rushed voice, as
out of know where, Greaseball appears behind him. Greaseball and Rusty in
the same room, and not trying to kill each other... I've never seen
anything like it. Rusty gestures almost nervously towards Dinah, then to
me. Greaseball's eyes rest on me the longest, orbs of pure rage. Before I
can say anything, or think, he has me pinned up against the wall. He's
yelling at me, but its very hard to pay much attention to what he's
saying, as I can't breath. Out of the corner of my eye, as if in slow
motion, I can see Rusty helping Dinah to her feet. She's unsteady at best,
but he wont let her fall. He mouths something to Greaseball, and suddenly
the engine lets go of me, and is advancing on Rusty. He's angry, just
looking for someone to attack. I know the feeling.
"Greaseball... don't..." Dinah says in an impossibly sweet voice. He
listens, to Rusty's visible relief. I would listen to, if she ever used
that tone of voice with me. He takes Dinah in his arms, and she seems to
almost melt into his embrace. I want to kill him.
"Hey... um... we should probably get going now..." Rusty interrupts. His
voice is nervous, but his head is held high. He starts to duck away when
Greaseball looks at him, and then stops himself. Greaseball looks to
Dinah, who nods frantically, with a quick glance in my direction, the
traitor. "Maybe if you pushed her instead of hitching her up from
behind... it might be easier." Rusty suggests.
"Yeah.." Greaseball agrees, taking hold of Dinah's rings. He's so
gentle... more than I thought he could ever be. And then there skating
away, all three of them, leaving me. I turn to follow, but it's to late.
The door to the shed slams in my face, and it's locked.
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enjoying it. I'm enjoying this control more than I've enjoyed anything in
my whole life. It's a rush, and adventure, a hellish and eternal power
trip. It doesn't matter who I'm hitched behind anymore, or how hard she's
fighting me, or how loud she's screaming. I don't care if I'm scaring her.
Let her be scared. I don't care if I kill her, break her into a thousand
shards of shattered metal. I don't care if I love her. None of that
matters. I'm in control.
I only ride her for a few minutes. That's all it takes. There's no one
around, only us. Only Dinah interrupts the complete silence, alternating
between violent struggle and infantile pleas. I hardly hear her, hardly
see her. I'm waiting, waiting for the perfect moment to derail, to end the
ride for both of us. It's something that has to be done just right, or not
at all. I've turned it into an art, an art that only I understand.
The moment comes, a perfect moment like so many others I've experienced.
The moments is a paradox, perfectly embodying my heaven, even while it
lays incased in her hell. We're going fast now, terribly fast, or maybe it
just feels like we are. Speed is a relative force. The terror in her eyes
is the most beautiful site I've ever seen. I wish she could take in from
with in her, and serve on a dish for me to eat so I could feel it grow
inside of me. A jolt moves though us both as her wheels slip of the tracks
slowly, agonizingly slowly. They move of inch by inch, trembling, fighting
to stay attached, as they are ground into the gravel besides the tracks. I
can't think anymore. I am a being made up of pure exhilaration. The world
is blue and white, mixed with a thousand other bright colors, burning and
shining like a million suns.
Then I unhitch, and everything is quiet, and I'm laughing. I don't stop
laughing for the longest time, not until I begin to feel like if I keep
laughing I'll explode. Boom! No more CB. I notice Dinah. She's quiet,
lying on the ground by the tracks. Her eyes are closed, and she doesn't
move. She's so still, battered. It looks wrong. She shouldn't be lying
still like that. She should be awake, watching for her engine, filling my
world with her presence. I don't like her this way.
"Dinah.. wake up." I whisper her name as I kneel down next to her. She
doesn't respond, even when I repeat her name much louder. Of course she
wont deign to speak to me. She's to obsessed with her engine. She still
doesn't see me. She refuses to see me, even when I'm right next to her.
She hates me. I shake her, trying to get her attention. I'm gentle at
first, but she still ignores me. I shake her harder and harder, until I
half way expect her to break in half if I don't stop.
I get up with a sigh, giving up, walking away. She still doesn't look
right, lying as if asleep next to the tracks, alone. I don't want to leave
her there, so I don't. I pick her up, managing to sling her over my
shoulders clumsily. It's strange just how heavy she is, compared to how
small and light she looks. I want to collapse under her weight, to let her
fall to the ground with a clang and a thud. I can't do that to Dinah
though. I have to take care of her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's dark in the shed. I thought that it would be the best place to bring
Dinah. I don't want to be seen with her like this. They'd think I'd done
something to her, that I was keeping her with me against her will. Nobody
would understand.
She looks awful. I can't stand it. I can't stand seeing her limp, and
covered in dents. It's not so bad. It's nothing that can't be fixed.
Still, it's terrible to see her this way. It's terrible knowing I hurt
her. But maybe I didn't. No, I can't believe that I hurt her. I would
never, ever, hurt Dinah, not ever. It must have been Greaseball that did
this to her. I would never hurt Dinah, but Greaseball would. I hate
Greaseball.
She moves. She finally moves, returning color to my life like the spring
after a seemingly endless winter. I lean in closer to her, quickly taking
her head in my lap. I love the feeling of her lying against me, and
knowing I'm truly there for her when she needs me most. She lets out a
tiny, pained whimper before even opening her eyes.
"Shhh, you were in an accident." I run a hand through her soft hair. It
feels so good. I'm so glad she's here, not trying to escape like before.
She finally opens her eyes, a confused look crossing her face, as she
tries to remember what happened and why she was here. I merely smile down
at her, enjoying having her in my possession. I like having a coach all to
myself. "Greaseball did this, but know there's me..."
"No!" She says suddenly, in a voice that seems way to loud for her current
condition. She tries to sit up, to pull away, to escape. I don't want her
to go. I wont let her. "CB, let me go... now!" She struggles for a few
moments before she gives up completely. She curls into herself, closing
her eyes as if trying to block out the world.
"Look at me." I say... more order. She shakes her head, and her eyes stay
closed. I shake her harshly, until she opens her eyes again, carefully
looking right at me. That's much better. I smile down at her, and continue
to stroke her hair. Every once and a while, a few tears escape her eyes. I
wipe them away, and kiss her forehead. She grimaces and tries to move away
when I do this, but I know it's just because she's nervous.
Time passes, lots of time I think, though maybe not. Dinah seems restless,
scared, despite my promises that Greaseball wont be able to find us here.
It would be perfect, if only Dinah weren't so upset, if only it wasn't
nearly painful to look at her, if only it didn't have to end eventually.
Suddenly the door bursts open. I jump up suddenly, accidentally letting
Dinah fall to the floor in my abruptness. I stand defensively over her, as
she manages to sit up. It's Rusty. Only Rusty. I can handle him. He's easy
to deal with.
"Greaseball hurt her and I..." I start to explain in a rushed voice, as
out of know where, Greaseball appears behind him. Greaseball and Rusty in
the same room, and not trying to kill each other... I've never seen
anything like it. Rusty gestures almost nervously towards Dinah, then to
me. Greaseball's eyes rest on me the longest, orbs of pure rage. Before I
can say anything, or think, he has me pinned up against the wall. He's
yelling at me, but its very hard to pay much attention to what he's
saying, as I can't breath. Out of the corner of my eye, as if in slow
motion, I can see Rusty helping Dinah to her feet. She's unsteady at best,
but he wont let her fall. He mouths something to Greaseball, and suddenly
the engine lets go of me, and is advancing on Rusty. He's angry, just
looking for someone to attack. I know the feeling.
"Greaseball... don't..." Dinah says in an impossibly sweet voice. He
listens, to Rusty's visible relief. I would listen to, if she ever used
that tone of voice with me. He takes Dinah in his arms, and she seems to
almost melt into his embrace. I want to kill him.
"Hey... um... we should probably get going now..." Rusty interrupts. His
voice is nervous, but his head is held high. He starts to duck away when
Greaseball looks at him, and then stops himself. Greaseball looks to
Dinah, who nods frantically, with a quick glance in my direction, the
traitor. "Maybe if you pushed her instead of hitching her up from
behind... it might be easier." Rusty suggests.
"Yeah.." Greaseball agrees, taking hold of Dinah's rings. He's so
gentle... more than I thought he could ever be. And then there skating
away, all three of them, leaving me. I turn to follow, but it's to late.
The door to the shed slams in my face, and it's locked.
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