Streetlight
By Chash
Hai, owari! Thanks to all the readers, this is, I suppose, the last part of the Naozumi-Ken arc (which really could use a name, but… eh. I'm lazy.) Later.
'It never snows like this back in Tokyo… Not this hard,' thought Naozumi, looking up at the spiraling flakes in the around the streetlamp above his head. 'It's just another advantage to never going back.'
She was married. It was something he was trying desperately to forget. He was all alone. Not even Ken remained, because this was not Ken's home. This was not Naozumi's home either, but here he was, in college in America in the snow.
"Shiawase desu ka?" asked a clear voice. It was Ken. Naozumi spun around. He had the same smile as always.
"Ken? Why are you here?" replied Naozumi, blinking.
"You didn't answer my question," said Ken, also switching to English.
"You didn't answer mine."
"I asked first."
"I suppose I am."
"I'm here because I worry about you. If you're happy, why are you so sad?"
It always disconcerted Naozumi the way Ken could read him and know exactly what he felt. "What makes you think I'm sad?"
"You ran away from here to this far off place and now here you are, walking in the snowy night and thinking about her. How could you not be sad? Besides," Ken walked up and brushed the bottom of Naozumi's right eye, "you're crying."
"It's just melting snow," replied Naozumi without thinking. He had not noticed, but now that Ken pointed it out, he realized the other boy was right. He was crying.
"All right," said Ken, smiling again. Naozumi knew the tone as well as the smile; Ken did not believe him for a second, but was going to let it slide.
"It doesn't get this cold back home," they walked on in silence for a moment. Ken stopped under the next streetlamp, but it took Naozumi a little while to notice. He turned finally, a streetlamp ahead. In the darkness between them, the snow disappeared into nothing.
"It does in Hokkaido," replied Ken.
"Do I really worry you so much that you followed?"
"No one else worries enough because they believe your face," he pulled something out of his pocket. "Do you read shoujo?"
"Sometimes. Why?"
"I'm a CLAMP fan; got it from my sister. That's why we went to Ueno Park. According to Card Captor Sakura, the greatest happiness is when the one you love is happy."
"So?"
"So Sana-chan is happy. Why aren't you happy?"
Naozumi said nothing and looked away.
Ken smiled gently. "It's crap, Nao. The girl you love more than anything just got married; you have every right to be sad."
"But…"
"Anata o shiawase ni shitai no ni, anata no mono ni wa narenai."
"What's that from?" asked Naozumi. It sounded familiar.
"Clover. It's truer than the other one. The greatest happiness is to be with the one you love, but if they don't love you…"
"I want your happiness…"
Ken smiled. "Knowing I can never be yours to share it."
"What about you, Ken?"
"I only want your happiness, knowing I can never be yours to share it. That is all I want."
"Me too. But it's hard. Is she happy?"
"No."
"If she were, would you be?"
"I would not be completely happy, but I would be happier."
"I'm glad for her, but I don't know what I'll do. I've loved her for as long as I can remember, and I've known forever that I couldn't have her. But…"
"But you love her," said Ken. There was an amazing, aching sadness in his voice that Naozumi had never heard. In the streetlight, Ken's eyes were cast on the ground. "You love her more than anything in the world, so you can't give her up."
"You know how I feel."
"More than you'll ever know."
"Do I know her?" asked Naozumi finally. Ken's eyes were still fixed on the ground.
"Nao… if you keep asking me things, you're going to learn things you never wanted to know."
"I want to know, Ken. You help me out so much, I owe you."
"Don't ask out of debt, Kamura."
It was the first time in a long time Ken had called him by his last name.
"You're my best friend. Tell me about her."
Ken swallowed and looked up, his golden eyes damp. It disconcerted Naozumi more than he could describe.
"Him. Are you sure you want to hear more?"
"How come you never corrected me?" there was no malice in Naozumi's voice, only curiosity and sadness. "I don't care what gender they are."
Ken shrugged. "It never really mattered. Once you want to know more about him, then it matters. I just never confirmed or denied your assumption before."
"Do I know him?"
Ken's eyes burned into him. "Yes."
"Really? Who is it?"
"You haven't guessed?" Ken walked over, crossing the point in the middle of the space between streetlamps and disappearing completely. He looked so serious that it scared Naozumi. For the first time, he noticed that Ken stood a few good inches taller than him.
"No. Ken…?" something about this seemed familiar, and also…
Warm lips. Naozumi stopped in his thoughts as Ken kissed him. It was not like the other kisses, it was not chaste. It burned.
I love you more than anything.
It had been Ken's voice in that dream. Unaware of his actions, Naozumi shut his eyes and opened his mouth, allowing Ken to deepen this kiss into something more than Naozumi had even dreamed. He put his arms around the other boy's neck, thoughts vanished from his mind.
Ken kissed him as if he was dying and this would keep him alive. Then he pulled away.
"It's always been you, Nao. I love you more than anything."
"Ken…"
Ken still had that sad look. It scared Naozumi because he had never seen it before. It scared him because it had always been there and he never noticed.
"See ya, Nao."
"Ken… don't leave. This is why you came back, right?"
"I came back because I worry about you, Nao."
"I still want you here. I was so sad when I realized I left you."
"When you realized you left her," Ken corrected gently.
"I won't lie to you and say I missed the thought of you more, but I still missed the thought of you… God, Ken, you're my best friend! I don't care how you feel about me; I still never want you to leave…"
"Thanks, Nao. But…" Ken stopped to consider something. "Did you ever tell Sana-chan what you felt?"
"Yes."
"Did it hurt to be near her for a while?"
"Yes."
"Then you understand."
"Yes, but… You're the only one I know here, Ken. I thought I was alone, and then I wasn't. I don't want to be alone anymore."
"Neither do I, Nao, but it's the life we've chosen. You chose to come here and be all alone and I chose to follow you and maybe not be alone, but… you still love her."
"Don't go…" Naozumi murmured again. "I don't know what I'll do without you."
"Live on. Nao…" Ken was in that streetlamp one down again. "I want to stay too. But it's different after it's said. After I…"
Ken was quiet for a long time, and Naozumi thought.
Sana did not love him. Sana would never love him. She was married and she was happier than he had ever seen her. He was not, though, because he was alone. Ken was also alone.
If two people were together… then maybe they were still alone, but they were in good company.
But how would he have felt if Sana went to him simply because Hayama would not have her? How would it feel to be wanted only as second best? He would feel as if anyone would do.
He wouldn't ask anyone to make him feel less alone, though.
"I do feel something for you, Ken," said Naozumi, talking with a halt every word as the sentence came to him. "I do not feel what I feel for Sana-chan for you, but…" he faltered suddenly. "What I feel for you is just as strong."
Ken turned to him, disbelief clear even at a distance.
"I don't love you more than anything, but I do love you as much as I love her… and I want you to stay. I want us to be together, if… if you give me a little time to make sure that I won't be lying to you."
And suddenly Naozumi realized he was running and jumping and his arms were around Ken's neck.
"Thank you… God, Ken, I don't know what I'd do without you…"
Ken wrapped his arms around Naozumi without hesitation.
"Dakishimete… hanasanaide… dakedo hitokoto mo tsutaerarenaide…" Ken sung softly.
"You're singing again."
"Don't you ever feel so happy you have to sing?"
"No," Naozumi buried his head in Ken's shirt, "never."
"Well," Naozumi could hear the grin in Ken's voice, "we'll have to work on that then."
They stayed like that for a long time, just holding on to each other.
Owari.
Japanese dictionary:
Shiawase desu ka? – Are you happy?
Anata o shiawase ni shitai no ni, anata no mono ni wa narenai – I only want your happiness, knowing I can never be yours to share it (that's the Clover English translation)
Dakishimete/ Hanasanaide/ dakedo hitokoto mo/ tsutaerarenaide – Hold me/ Don't let go/ But don't utter/ even a single thing (from Hikari no Naka e; from translation at www.animelyrics.com)
Ueno Park shows up mainly in CLAMP's series Tokyo Bablyon and X.